Chapter 20: The Skeleton Who's Super Low Maintenance
It was a sunny day in Riverview City, and the locals were all getting ready for the morning.
Within a perfectly ordinary suite room, Papyrus the Skeleton and Undyne the Fish-Thing were sitting on a couch while chatting about nothing in particular.
Because that's what monsters do when they have nothing better to do… as befitting of a loose collection of NPCs.
They just stand around and talk.
That's all they do.
That's all they ever do.
That's what they were doing last week.
That's what they were around five minute ago.
Five minutes from now, they'll still be standing around and talking.
And yet people wonder why they're viewed as a bunch of lazy jackasses.
Ahem.
Though… I suppose it would be pointless to mention the conversation between the two young monsters without actually showing the contents of that conversation.
"SO, AS I WAS SAYING ABOUT… UNDYNE?" Papyrus spoke, only to trail off.
The skeleton noted that his friend was staring up at the ceiling with a blank look and a faint scowl.
"UNDYNE?" Papyrus asked.
"What?"
Papyrus breathed a sigh of relief.
He wasn't quite sure why he had started to mention something about Undyne to the monster in question.
Perhaps he was thinking of a prior conversation with his brother.
That particular moment seemed so far away.
As if five years had passed since that fateful day.
Papyrus shook his head, as he didn't want to dwell on that thought for too long.
"Do you ever get the feeling that somebody's talking shit about you?" Undyne muttered.
Ignoring his friend's harsh language, Papyrus shook his head again.
"Cause I think that somebody's talking shit about me." Undyne insisted.
Papyrus couldn't think of anything to say to that, aside from a rather low-effort pun about sneezing.
"W…WOWIE, UNDYNE! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU SECRETLY DESIRED TO… BE… A… CA…SHEW?"
Undyne slowly turned her head to look at her friend, and Papyrus winced upon hearing a rather nasty creak.
"…What?"
"NEVER MIND, UNDYNE. I WAS JUST THINKING OF A VERY IMMATURE PUN THAT SANS MADE A WHILE AGO. THE JOKE IS THAT PEOPLE SNEEZE WHEN SOMEBODY IS TALKING ABOUT THEM, AND THE OTOMPOPEIA OF A SNEEZE IS 'ACHOO', WHICH HAPPENS TO SOUND A LOT LIKE…"
Papyrus quickly realized that Undyne wasn't interested in what he was saying, going off of the dour look on her face.
"IT'S A VERY STUPID PUN, AND I HONESTLY DON'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT LIKING IT." Papyrus bluntly stated.
"eh. look on the bright side. it's a good thing we never knew any vampires in the underground. otherwise, you'd have to put up with me constantly making references to a neighbor who goes by 'nosferatchu'."
The two monsters quickly turned around in surprise, as they weren't expecting a third monster in the room.
"everhood reference." Sans shrugged. "and now that that's out of the way…"
"Sans… quick question. Were you the asshole that called me a fish thin-"
Undyne shut her mouth upon seeing the shit-eating grin on Sans's face.
She never liked that grin of his.
Why would she?
It's the look of a man who believes that he's both the smartest and the funniest comedian on the planet.
A man who takes great pleasure from the fact that everybody in the community listens to everything he says with delusional fervor.
A comedian who ironically toots his own horn with unironic intent.
As Sans continued to smile, Undyne was suddenly overcome with some rather powerful feelings.
Here she was, a noble heroine of monsterkind, forced into trudging along a pre-determined path directed by a cruel, unseen hand…
And here Sans stood, perfectly aware of everything that she desperately wished she understood… and what of it?
Deep down, Undyne had always had a sinking suspicion that Sans had keeping things from her for a very long time.
The unanswered mystery of where the two brothers had come from.
Sans's ability to travel great distances in the blink of an eye.
His devil-may-care attitude towards everything in life, from the issue of the Barrier to his brother's own safety.
His 'ironic' persona of not giving a shit.
His refusal to use his knowledge and abilities to help anyone, choosing to be unhelpful at best and detrimental at worst.
And despite that, people were still inexplicably drawn to him, not in spite of, but because of his personal qualities.
Undyne had never liked any of it.
That is to say, she had never liked him.
As Sans continued to smile, Undyne slowly stood up to leered down at the short skeleton.
"sup?"
The jackass hadn't changed at all over the course of five years… and that was precisely the way he wanted it.
"You think you're funny, don't you, Sans…" Undyne growled.
"well, what can i say? i love using my funny bone."
Undyne grabbed Sans by the collar of his hoodie… and slowly lifted him into the air.
The skeleton did not offer any resistance, as he saw no reason to.
"Sans… do you know something that I don't know?" Undyne hissed.
"why bother with asking when you already know the answer, captain?" Sans cheerily replied.
Undyne began to tremble.
"there are so many things you don't know, which isn't that surprising when you're the female example of toxic masculinity. you act first and ask questions never. you beat up mailmen in your spare time. you're a meathead who does nothing but toot her own horn about how cool and heroic she is."
"That's… different."
"how so? it's easy for you to complain about how selfish i am, but the truth is that you've got no right to judge anyone yourself."
"Judge? I don't…"
"yes, you do. you judge me for being lazy. you judge papyrus for being too nice. you judge asgore and the kid for being wimpy losers, and you judge the humans just for the heck of it."
"I look up to Asgore because he's cool. I took Papyrus under my wing because I wanted to do him a solid. I hate humans because they're nothing more than a bunch of racist bigots. And Sans… you're a hypocrite. You judge people all the time."
"yeah, but at least i didn't send my brother on a snipe hunt because i didn't want to directly tell him that he wasn't cut out for the royal guard."
"Well… that's… I… why didn't you intervene when Papyrus could have died fighting the human!?"
"for the same reason you didn't intervene when Papyrus tried to stop a murderous child's rampage… and pointless died for it. it's all pointless, in the end. this is all going to be reset, after all."
"And what does that mean, exactly?"
Undyne had begun to hyperventilate.
She still had the physical strength that she had prided herself on for so long… but she had nothing to do with it.
Sans didn't answer the question… merely opting to ask a question of his own.
"it's not hard to read the writing on the wall. you've never been the one in control of what's going on. and since it's pretty clear that alphys was nursing a crush and you and king fluffybuns at the same time…"
A choking noise came from Undyne's throat.
"do you really think that you can stop the local furfag from having his way with-"
SNAP.
Undyne vigorously shook her head.
"UNDYNE?"
The fish woman checked her surroundings… and found that nothing was out of ordinary.
She was still sitting on a couch with her girlfriend, and Sans was nowhere to be found.
"what's up, fishcake?"
Oh, wait. Never mind.
Undyne took a long look at Sans, who was lounging on a chair.
Sans raised his eye ridges at Undyne, and she snapped the fork in her hand.
Also, there was a fork in Undyne's hand.
"ATTENTION, EVERYONE! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS… HAVE PREPARED OUR LUNCH."
Papyrus walked into the room with three plates of homemade spaghetti.
He handed a plate to Alphys, and she shyly accepted it with a nod.
He handed a plate to Undyne, and she roughly yanked it away from him.
He handed a plate to Sans… but the other skeleton refused to lift his arms, so Papyrus put the plate on top of his brother's head instead.
"SANS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE ANYTHING?"
"nah, i'm good."
Undyne grabbed a nearby water bottle and threw it in Sans's direction in a petty attempt get a reaction out of him.
Sans did not react.
He could have used his magic to catch the bottle, but he didn't.
The bottle hit the carpet and slowly rolled away.
"it's okay. i'm chill."
"U-um… Sans? That chair looks pretty uncomfortable. I could p-pull up a m-more comfortable chair…" Alphys offered.
"i know. this is totally cool. i'm chill."
"ARE YOU SURE? THAT CHAIR DOES LOOK RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE."
"that's okay. i'm pretty low maintenance, so i don't really care about stuff like food or comfort or anything like that."
"You don't care about anything?" Undyne questioned.
"no." Sans shrugged.
"W-what about your family and friends? I know you care a lot about Papyrus, at the very least... r-right?" said Alphys.
"eh. papyrus is cool. i'd probably be slightly annoyed if somebody killed him… but i honestly wouldn't do much to stop somebody from trying to kill him in the first place." Sans replied, having slid a few inches down the chair.
"UH… WHAT ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?" said Papyrus, pointedly ignoring the implications of what his brother had just said. "I KNOW YOU GREATLY CARE ABOUT YOUR TRADEMARKED HOODIE."
"oh, this? I found it at the garbage dump while alphys was busy sweating over some sapphic romance manga she had just found… and i put it on because i was bored." said Sans, who was now lying flat on the chair.
The three other monsters shared a look.
"K-k-ketchup? You care about k-ketchup at the very least…" said Alphys, who couldn't stop thinking about the garbage dump in question.
"not really."
"SANS, YOU ONCE HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WHILE YOU WERE HOLDING A VINTAGE BOTTLE OF KETCHUP."
"welp, the bottle and i were at the photo booth at the same time, so…" said Sans, who was leaning back against the chair from his sitting position on the ground.
"Hey! I found this YouTube video of you fighting Frisk over the deaths of everybody in the Underground, for fuck's sake! YOU CAN'T BE TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT OUR VERY EXISTENCE, SANS!" Undyne blurted out, turning the laptop in her lap around and showing Sans the final boss fight of Undertale's Genocide Route.
Alphys and Papyrus said nothing, silently questioning where Undyne had managed to obtain a laptop.
"i mean, that was kind of an accident. i was just walking along the judgement hall… and i tripped. and then suddenly, i was fighting to save the universe or something." said Sans, who was now lying on the floor.
"SANS… BATTLES DO NOT HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT. THEY ARE DELIBERATE ACTIONS THAT NEED TO BE HANDLED WITH CARE."
"You care about something! Everybody cares about something!" said Alphys, forgetting her stutter.
"i really don't. i need not a thing in this world. i am low maintenance, and i live in a void… free of hang-ups, and tension, or anything dear…" said Sans, with a look utter apathy… or perhaps it was serenity?
"That sounds awful." Undyne muttered.
"i don't mind."
"Grrrrrr… okay then… how about this? You seem to care a lot about being low maintenance." Alphys growled.
"nah, if i woke up high maintenance… i'd be perfectly fine with it."
PCHOOOOOOOO.
Papyrus, Undyne and Alphys all recoiled as dust began to trickle from Sans's prone form.
"Oh my god… Sans! You're melting!" cried Alphys.
"SEE, BROTHER!? YOU CARE SO LITTLE ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT YOU'RE VANISHING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!"
"oh, really? huh… i didn't notice."
"OH, FUCKING HELL, SANS! YOU HAD TO HAVE NOTICED, YOUR BODY IS DISAPPEARING!" Undyne shouted.
"oh… weird…"
As Alphys held her hands to her mouth, Papyrus calmly walked over to the dusty hoodie and slippers on the floor.
"Huh. He was so chill… he died." mumbled Undyne.
"UM… I DON'T MEAN TO BE THAT ONE SKELETON… BUT IS IT TOO EARLY TO DISCUSS WHERE TO SPREAD THE DUST?"
oh… honestly, anywhere. it really doesn't matter to me.
"welp, this guy really gets me."
The three monsters looked at the dusty clothes.
They looked at Sans the Skeleton.
They looked back at the dusty clothes.
They-
"I'MMMM BACK! DID YOU GUYS MISSSSS ME!?" said a very familiar creature of both ice and death.