Welcome to Chapter 21 – and as a minor note, we are also heading into the final chapters of "How Many Roads Between Your World and Mine"
Not much to say for this chapter – obviously, standard disclaimers apply. Another title I didn't exactly incorporate into the story, however it comes from Skillet's "Monster" which I obviously don't own, nor do I own "Cups" which is also featured in this chapter; however, I have purchased copies of said songs from iTunes.
I hope you all enjoy the next installment; constructive criticism is always appreciated.
Sam walked into the VA building the following morning, ready to start the day of meetings and group sessions armed with two boxes of doughnuts and a gallon of orange juice. He was surprised when he saw the large accordion doors to the meeting room open a few inches, and with a frown he peered inside.
The room was empty save for Case, who was seated in one of the empty chairs, knitting needles in her hands, turning strands of dark blue yarn into what Sam assumed was going to be a scarf. The yarn came from a plastic bag at Case's feet advertising a local craft store, and she was tapping her toes to the beat of the song she was singing.
"I got my ticket for the long way 'round, two bottle of whiskey for the way. And I sure would like some sweet company, and I'm leaving tomorrow, what do ya say?"
Sam smiled as he nudged the door open wider with his foot, carrying everything to the table set up at the back.
"When I'm gone, when I'm gone, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone," Case continued, "You're gonna miss me by my hair you're gonna miss me everywhere, oh you're sure gonna miss me when I'm gone."
"Hey Case," Sam called to her as he deposited his items.
"Hey Sam," Case said looking up from her knitting. "You got a minute?"
"For you? Anytime," Sam said with a smile as he turned back toward her. "Also…since when do you knit?"
Case bundled up the yarn and needles and stashed them in the plastic bag before getting to her feet, "I dunno, since the thirties maybe? After deeming me absolutely hopeless in the kitchen – and I'm talking covered in flour and smelling like a scorched pie crust hopeless – Winnie sat me down at her kitchen table, brought in a ball of yarn and some needles and basically said 'shut up and do as I do'…gotta say, I've got a real knack for it."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah," Case nodded as she approached him. "Knitting and sewing actually…you should've seen the faces the girls made at me in my home ec class…if looks could kill man."
Sam's eyebrows went up, "You upstaged them that much?"
"Highest grade in the class…for that section anyway. It made up for me burning or undercooking meals," Case explained. "I mean how could a tomboy like me succeed at sewing dresses where the flouncy girlie-girls struggled? It made no sense to them." She looked back at the bag, "Stopped at the craft store on a whim as I made my way over…thought what the hell. Figured I could make scarves for everyone for Christmas."
"That'll be a good use of your time," Sam agreed. "Gives you something to fill the downtime with."
"Yes, I certainly thought so," Case nodded. Then she took a deep breath like she was steeling herself for something, then added, "So…some things came to light recently…and I promised Bucky I would talk to you about them…"
Bucky? Sam almost said the name out loud then thought better of it, deciding to bookmark that for later. She was willing to be more open about things, he didn't want to disrupt that. "And what things would those be?"
Case sighed, and shifted on her feet as she said, "So…my guilt over Bucky isn't because we left him behind."
Bullshit, Sam thought, but said out loud, "Oh, it's not?"
Case's cheeks turned pink, "Well…I mean it is but…"
Sam watched as she opened her arms, but held her hands about chest height, clenching her fists and occasionally rotating them in small circles around each other. "But…?"
Her hands stilled and she opted to shove them in her pockets, "So…as we've already discussed, our mutations presented themselves when we were five…and I stabbed Ryder in the back."
"Yes, I'm very familiar with the story," Sam nodded.
"Right…well…" Case rocked back and forth on her heels, "My mom left three days later."
"Shit…" Sam blurted, then almost cringed, Real professional Wilson.
Case gave snort of laughter, "Yeah, seems to be the common response."
"So that's why you feel responsible for what your mother did to him," Sam continued. Maybe Bucky needs to push her more often if he's getting her to open up about her mother issues…
Case gave a nod, "Yeah, pretty much."
Sam hummed at that, "And why do you feel that way?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Case asked. "Clearly I was the reason my mother left. Ryder's mutations weren't particularly visible, while mine were…and are…" She clenched her hands into fists, "All I need is something to push me over the edge and snikt." She blushed as she said, "Made for some awkward moments with Bucky too…"
Sam frowned as he thought that one over, and said, "So are you saying when you—"
"Really trying hard not to say it, Wilson," Case said in a pointed tone.
"Huh…" Sam blinked for a moment, "Guess I shouldn't be surprised…sounds like when you lose control over 'em it's when you're running high on adrenaline, so it makes sense that you would let 'em loose when you…right, never mind," He cut off when he saw Case's glare.
Case's glare softened as she rocked back on her heels, then said, "You should've seen the look on Bucky's face when he caused it…every time it happened, he would walk around with this huge shit-eating grin on his face."
"Can you blame him?"
Case thought that over, then her mouth curved up in a grin as she gave as she shook her head, "No, not really."
"You do know what I'm gonna say next though, right?"
Case seemed a little lost in thought, and hummed as she looked up at him, "What?"
"Actually, first I'm gonna say you need to get a leash on your hormones, considering how far you're drifting," Sam told her. "Second…you know what I'm going to say about your mother, right?"
"Yeah, I know," Case sighed. "It's not my fault, my mother acted of her own accord when she turned tail and ran for the hills."
"Plus, your mom's not who you're really mad at," Sam added.
Case frowned, "Come again?"
"Well, you are mad at her," Sam corrected, "But you don't hate her, at least not the way you say you do."
"Enlighten me."
"The one you really hate is Zola," Sam explained. "He tortured Bucky, left him to die, then found him and tortured him some more. Your mother, on the other hand, did not."
Case's confusion grew, "Sam…you do remember what we've been talking about, right? My mother was one that signed the orders to have his memories erased. She was one of his handlers!"
"No, I remember that. What I mean is while your mother did a lotof messed up shit to Bucky, she's not the one that turned him into the Winter Soldier, Zola did that. It doesn't excuse what she's done, both abandoning you and continuing what Zola started, but as far as we know she didn't do anything extra to him. Unless she did some hypno-voodoo thing to him, that I dunno."
Case gave a little laugh at that, which Sam counted as a win. "Still…it…I'm just angry. Sometimes I don't even know who I'm angry at…at myself, at Zola…at my parents…" She sighed and sat in one of the chairs, "You know…when Bucky first found out about what I was…his exact words were 'what the hell kind of freak are you'?"
"Wow…"
"Yeah…I mean, he regretted it instantly, but it took me a long time to be able to let it go," Case admitted. "There were…so many times I wanted to tell him, even tried to tell him, despite what my father always said about keeping it quiet. But…I never wanted to tell him about my mother, about the way she left. Steve neither…I just felt…"
Sam took a seat in one of the empty chairs beside her, "You thought they'd see you as the monster you thought you were because she disappeared."
Case simply nodded at that.
Sam was quiet, he wanted to choose his words carefully. "Your mutation doesn't make you a monster, and neither did stabbing Ryder in the back. You were five, you were just kids and an accident occurred, and thankfully nothing bad happened."
"Yeah, but I've done other things that make me feel like a monster."
"Well, war can do that to people, plus what you've gone through with the Avengers—"
"Not that…" Case got to her feet and started pacing. "After…toward the end of my stay in Siberia, my mother led Bucky out of the room, said they needed him." She hugged her arms around herself, "What she really meant was they needed to wipe his brain and put him back into cryo-freeze."
Sam hummed but otherwise said nothing.
"I was still doped up on pain meds or something…I'd never felt that way before, it was quite a nice feeling actually…but it also made me a little fuzzy on the details," Case admitted. "I just remember a loud thunk sound, like a body hitting the wall, and suddenly Bucky screamed, and I was moving. I didn't even have enough time to register the feeling, I just reacted."
"Did you remember what that feeling was?"
"Mine."
Sam frowned, and repeated, "Mine?"
Case ejected her claws, and suddenly a dark look washed over her face as she stared at them, "My dad has a saying, 'I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn't very nice.'" She took a couple of practice swings in the air around her, slashing and spinning. "Adamantium cuts through almost everything…from thick metal to human flesh."
Sam suddenly felt uneasy as he watched the mood swing occur, "Human flesh?"
"Oh yeah, these slide through that like butter," Case told him. "After the fusion, my mother told me that Bucky was a sore spot for me, something that Hydra could use to their advantage." A small smirk stretched across her face, and she said, "And she was right…albeit turned out to be a disadvantage for them in the end."
Sam cocked his head, "Forgive me, Case…but I've seen that video your mom gave to Ryder. I wouldn't call that—"
"Oh no," Case shook her head, retracting the claws. "That's not what I meant, although she used that to her advantage when it happened."
"Then I don't follow."
"Ryder told me when I burst through the door, I'd basically reduced a squad of thirty Hydra soldiers down to three," Case admitted, shifting back into the personality Sam recognized. "At first…I didn't really remember much. Just that my claws were out, I cut through the door, and then…blood. Screaming and blood…and then, quiet." She rubbed at her temples with her thumb and middle finger before meeting his gaze again, "Originally, I saw it as an act of desperation…all I wanted was to keep Bucky safe. But the more I remember, and the more I think about it…I enjoyed it."
Sam's eyebrows went up, "You enjoyed hurting them?"
"Yeah…not in the way that says I'm going to go one some killing spree or anything," Case admitted. "I just…"
"Mine…" Sam said under his breath, and suddenly it clicked into place, "He's yours."
Case's shoulders slumped, "Yeah…"
Sam frowned, "Case—"
"Look, I know he's not a possession…" Case admitted. "It's just…yeah, in the basic sense of the word, it felt like they were trying to take away what's rightfully mine…and they hurt him, were hurting him. And I just…" She chewed on her lip, then added, "I can remember snippets like 'protect him, keep him safe, can't lose him again'…but a lot of it was possessive. Best way I can describe the feeling was, 'Bucky is mine, you can't have him. He's mine, he's mine, he's mine!'"
Sam mulled that over for a few moments, "Selfishness aside…you did it to protect him. I'm sure you did things during the war that had similar results."
"Yeah, but putting a bullet in a guy's head in service for my country is a lot different than tearing him limb from limb because he tried taking my lover away from me again," Case pointed out in a deadpan voice. Then she cocked her head with a thoughtful frown, "Although it was more said lover who was putting the bullets in their heads…I was more of a shoot 'em at center mass kinda girl, you know? Bucky was usually up high with the sniper rifle, scowling because I was in the middle of the fight with Steve."
"I can imagine," Sam chuckled.
Case managed a weak smile, then sighed, "I guess there's times when I'm alone…it just gets to me, you know? I mean…I'm…familiar with my Uncle's work, and my Dad's…and my Dad tries but things just have a tendency to explode in his face sometimes. And my mother…not even sure where how to approach that. And my brothers…sometimes I think Ryder's the sanest one out of the bunch, truly. Only one reported incident of losing control and using his mutation for evil…although that one was also to protect someone so…"
"Speaking of your younger brother though," Sam interjected. "How do you feel about Bucky's role in that?"
Case shrugged, "I never met Itsu, so I'm neutral on the subject. As far as I'm concerned Daken may be a product of his environment but the asshole's made his choices, and happily dove off the deep end with moves that would earn him tens across the board at the Olympics."
"At least you don't kill for the sake of killing," Sam reminded her.
"True," Case admitted. "As for Daken and Bucky…look, it was horrible that Itsu had to die, and one can argue Bucky's a monster all they want because he murdered a pregnant woman, and maybe they're right," Case shrugged, "But I know Bucky, and I know words cannot express how much regret he has for that kill especially…although he's also afraid my dad's gonna hunt him down and force feed him his intestines."
Sam's stomach churned a little on that one as he repeated, "Force feed him his intestines?"
"Yeah, I'm not sure where he pulled that one from," Case frowned, "I guess he's always had this fear that if the Wolverine ever found out what he was doing to his little girl he'd get eviscerated. And that was long before Itsu."
"Bit of an overprotective parent huh?"
"Just a bit yeah," Case nodded. "Not to mention when you know a guy has six blades that he can eject from his knuckles at will…you gotta admit that's a bit intimidating."
"True."
Case rocked on her heels, "So that's my story. I've blamed myself for my mom leaving because my dad lied to me and my brother all these years. Because I have bone claws and nearly killed my brother I felt like a monster, and then the second someone hurt Bucky the claws came out and I attacked. Kinda just feel like I fit right in with the feral mutant side of my family…I'm usually in control but underneath I'm just a vicious animal like the rest of them."
"Okay, that one's not you," Sam interrupted with a firm voice, "That's those asshole politicians that are pushing for mutant registration and the rest of that bullshit."
Case shrugged, "I'm not exactly proving them wrong, Sam…just proves that all Howletts have a trigger, it just needs to be found."
Sam frowned, "This isn't just about that, is it?"
Case sighed, "I'm just tired Sam…if it's not mutant haters, it's the missions, if it's not the missions it's the fuckin' media—"
"The media?"
Case walked over to her bag and lifted out a stack of magazines, "These talk about my outfit for Pepper's charity ball two weeks ago. This one—" she held up the top one, "—Loved my dress said it was simple yet elegant. This second one hated my dress because I showed too much cleavage, and I should be setting a better example for young women everywhere. And the third one thought my outfit didn't match my purse."
Sam frowned, "Your purse?"
Case flipped through the third one, and showed him the pictures, "Do you even see a purse in any of these?"
Sam's brows went up, and he looked at the pictures of Case in the low-cut black dress, "No…but what problem did they have? You're basically wearing a dress that has straps that are like a tank top."
"A tank top that's cut down to my ribs and shows off more of my cans than they would like," Case rolled her eyes. "Remember, I'm the poster child for female chastity. According to those idiots I don't date, I've never done anything more than a kiss on the cheek, and I've absolutely never seen a naked man."
"You're kidding."
"I wish I was," Case shook her head. She sighed, "The others talk about how when I go out in my favorite jeans and flannel shirt I look like a lumberjack, and they're all taking bets on when I'll hook up with you, or Tony, or Steve."
"They're still on that?"
"Unfortunately," Case pinched at the bridge of her nose. She shoved the magazines back into her bag, "But hey, every once in a while, it's nice to read about who I'm dating lately."
But Sam saw the forced smile on her face, and he asked, "Not a fan of the spotlight, huh?"
Case shook her head, "Nah…I mean I never really wanted to disappear in the crowd, if I'm being honest…" She sighed, "But having every step I take scrutinized just because I'm an Avenger…hell getting criticized over showing cleavage or a purse not matching my outfit…I mean, I never even had a purse. The benefit was in the Avengers' Tower – my stuff was in my apartment!"
"Can't please everyone," Sam sighed.
"No…no you cannot," Case sighed as well. She looked at her watch, then added, "So…I think I'm going to disappear for the weekend…"
"Oh?"
"Yeah…I just need a break to clear my head," Case nodded. "Work on some knitting…just have time to myself, you know?"
"Is this your way of asking me to get the word out?"
Case's shoulders slumped, "Could you?"
Sam gave her a weak smile, "Yeah, I can…though why don't you just text Ryder or Steve?"
Case shrugged, "I just need some space I guess…I'll see you on Monday, Sam."
"Be safe out there, Case," Sam told her as she headed for the door, "I've seen the way you maneuver on that motorcycle."
"Yeah, yeah," He could practically hear the eyeroll.
Sam turned and watched Case walk to the doorway, then called out, "One more thing, Howlett!"
Case slowly turned around, "I promise, I'll text Steve and Ryder before I go—"
"No, not that," Sam shook his head. He chewed on his lip, then took a deep breath.
Case frowned, "You okay, Sam?"
Does she really not know she slipped? Sam wondered, as he tried to gather his words, "Look…we've been doing this for a while now. And…I'm glad that you're finally opening up about the deeper things that are eating at you. It's great that you're making progress."
Case's frown deepened, "Um…thank you?"
"That being said…you're not doing him any favors."
"I'm not sure I follow…"
"Case, don't do that," Sam said, "Not to me."
"Do what?"
"I get that you're trying to protect him," Sam told her, "But he's not alright, and I think you knows that as well as the rest of us."
"Sam, I…" She was looking for a sarcastic comment, something to shrug it off, Sam could tell. She came back into the room, "I forgot my stuff…can't knit when there's nothing there to knit with…"
Sam watched as she grabbed the bag then raced to the door, "Case…you know I'm right."
Case gripped the door frame in a white-knuckled grip, then she turned around, "He's fine, Sam."
"Then why won't he go to Steve or Ryder?"
"He's not ready."
"And how long has he been not ready?" Sam asked. He could see the tears filling Case's eyes, and he said, "How long do you think this can last? He's not getting the help he needs!"
Case sniffled as the tears rolled down her cheeks, "You know, Sam, this really isn't any of your business."
Sam's eyebrows went up, "None of my business? Case, you made it my business when you came to me for help! Steve made it my business when he started that damn manhunt! Does he even know you've been seeing Bucky?"
Case sighed, "No."
"So, you've been lying to Steve for how long now?"
"Sam, we are not having this discussion!" Case snapped. "I came here to talk about my mother issues—"
"Yes, exactly," Sam nodded. "But let's be honest here – you're helping him stay hidden, saying he's fine and that he's not ready to talk to Steve or Ryder. But how much of is that on him, and how much of it is you enabling the problem because you feel guilty about what your mother did to him?"
With a hiss of pain, Case's claws shot from her knuckles, the silver metal gleaming in the light. Her hands trembled as she gasped out, "Fuck!" she retracted the blades, putting the bag on the ground as she rubbed at her knuckles.
"Case…"
"Don't."
"But—"
"I said no."
Sam scrubbed a hand over his face, "Look, I know—"
"Goodbye Sam," Case interrupted as she grabbed her bag and about-faced out of the room.
Sam cringed as he heard a door slam, and he collapsed into one of the folding chairs, "Dammit…"