The Feelings

Trevor waited in bed for Olivia to finish drying her hair. He'd helped himself around her apartment and managed to find where she kept spare sheets and bed covers and remade her bed knowing that fresh sheets and bedding always made for a much better sleep.

He made sure he was fully covered up and had brought some gym pants to sleep in just in case Noah came in to the room during the night. It was a little stifling to sleep in gym pants; he wasn't used to being so fully clothed during the night.

He played with his phone a little while he waited.

Olivia opened the door that sat ajar and let herself in, closing it quietly behind her. She was wearing a white tank and a pair of black underwear. He admired her thick thighs has she made her way to the other side of the bed, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Oh," she gave him a surprised smile as she realized the bedding had changed. She rose an eyebrow at him – "did you put fresh sheets on my bed?" she asked with a little laugh of shock.

"Sure, I didn't want your room to get a weird stale smell," he smiled, his cheeks pinking a little.

Olivia made a face but laughed. "Thank you… I'm kind of impressed."

"Why?" he asked, watching her pull back the comforter, "you think I don't know how to change a bed?"

She felt bad but that was exactly what she thought. "It's not really a man's job, you know…"

He laughed, "as if you care about stereotypical gender roles…" he teased her as she got in beside him.

"Well no, but… I dunno, I guess it was above your call of duty, so thanks… clean sheets always feel nice," she smiled and kissed his cheek.

"You're welcome", he replied, covering her hand that rested upon his chest. He slid his fingers between hers.

He rolled on to his side to face her. "Can I tell you something super cheesy?" he asked under the soft light of the lamp on his side of the bed.

A tiny smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, "I'm an incredibly big fan of cheese, did I ever mention that?" she asked smartly.

He let his eyes sweep over the sprinkle of freckles over her nose before settling back upon her weary gaze. "You are the absolute most beautiful when you're natural, without make up…" he told her bravely, hoping that like other women, she wouldn't find a way to extrapolate an insult from what he had remarked.

"That's actually one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me but I have to remind you, you're not wearing your glasses," she chuckled a little bashfully.

He turned on to his back and reached to the bedside table for his clear-framed glasses. He slid them on to his face and rolled back over to face Olivia and laughed, he studied her seriously for a second and then nodded as if coming to his own conclusion. "Yep," he added out loud with confirmation on something he hadn't bothered to share, "I have my glasses on and my comment still stands."

"Well then I stand by mine…" she replied, finding his words causing an overwhelming shift within her, as though he made it hard for her to breathe, but in a way that she welcomed. "Thank you…"

He took his glasses off and put them back. He rested his hand on her cheek and ran his fingers across the smattering of freckles. He smiled at her. "I think I love you," he blurted out.

"Don't-" she said quickly, flinching away from him, taken completely by surprise. She pushed his hands from her face, jerking her face away from him as though his words had bitten her.

"Don't what?" he asked calmly, also surprised by her immediately defensive reaction.

"Don't say things that you don't mean, Trevor, don't do that to me. We've just had sex, you're just sex-drunk-" she sat up, looking like she'd been burned – that she was in pain.

He hated that her instant reaction to hearing the words was to feel terrified by them. "How is this surprising to hear?" he asked gently. "I told you a week ago I was falling for you."

She just shook her head again as if trying to shake what she had heard from her mind.

He realized she was looking for an escape route from the situation because it was a little too much for her to hear.

He worried that if he let her, she would get up and make way for the door.

Trevor knew once again his patience and assurances were necessary. "Olivia," he rose his voice just a few octaves louder than hers and placed a hand on her wrist, enclosing his fingers around her firmly.

"Trev-"

"Stop it," he said calmly, "just pause for a moment," he commanded. "Olivia please-"

Olivia had heard the words before from the last man she'd been with but they'd always brought her pain and the words conflicted with the actions. The idea of Trevor loving her brought upon a swell of sadness that he would turn out to be just like the rest of them.

She'd so desperately wanted him to be the one she could share her heart with, that she could unburden herself with the stories locked up inside her so tightly that on some days she spent her time alone fighting her demons in the dark; in tears, in nightmares, in an unwanted solitude that she ached for the warmth of a man like Trevor to just … be there.

It was too much.

Too much to ask, too much to deal with, too many emotions to wade through until she reached comfort.

Too much.

She avoided his eyes.

He sat up beside her and could feel her hands trembling with panic. He could almost visibly see her retreating. "Lay back down, Liv…" he murmured.

She did as he said but did so wordlessly, lost in her own head.

Trevor gave her a second, letting her process his words in silence before he spoke again. He leaned over her, half-covering her body with his, twisted slightly beside her. "Do you really believe you're hard to fall in love with?" he asked with seriousness.

"It's too much," she murmured out loud, staring directly at the off-white ceiling above.

"You don't believe me, you think I blurted it out without thinking…" he could see her point, it did seem like something that could pop out of someone's mouth as lust smoldered after sex.

"I don't know what I believe," she replied bluntly.

"You said you're a fan of cheese…" his voice trailed off, trying a different approach but finding it difficult that she refused to look at him. "Liv, please look at me."

It took a second for her. She gathered her composure and dared to glance at him. He looked crestfallen; sad – hurt even and she hated that her reaction had caused him that.

"I fell in love with your heart when I watched your conference back in Chicago," he admitted. "I'm one of those losers who falls in love pretty quickly although I'm fairly unapologetic about it," he told her, "I fell in love with you bit by bit over the time we've spent together and then just now, laying here with you and feeling completely and utterly content, I fell in love with all of you all at once and I don't care if you say it back or not and I don't care if you believe my words right away but just like everything else, I will prove it with time."

He noticed that her brown eyes were covered by a film of tears that she blinked away. He watched her swallow hard.

He dared to press his lips against hers, nearing slowly to give her a chance to protest if she needed to, but she didn't. His lips rested against hers lingeringly and so softly that at first they barely touched. He took her face gently back in his hands as he pulled away.

"My Olivia," he added with a weak smile, "I love you." She flicked her eyes away briefly while she blinked back tears before meeting his gaze again.

She didn't have words to say, she didn't quite know what to say. She just lifted her hands and cupped his cheeks in her palms and stroked the roughness of his 5 o'clock shadow.

It was enough for him; enough for now.

He desperately wanted to hear that she loved him too but he was painfully aware that she may not have felt as comfortable sharing her feelings as quickly as he was able to.

"Why are you so emotional?" he wondered, stroking her face, his eyes searching hers. "Talk to me… tell me what you're thinking…"

He felt her expel a shaky sigh beneath him.

"I'm sad because… I should feel different about hearing you say you love me but I-" she paused, blinking back more tears.

"Do you not think you'll eventually feel the same?" he asked, it suddenly striking him that perhaps to her he wasn't anything more than someone she was keeping around because he was nice to her. He felt a pang of hurt.

"No, it's not that-" she said quickly, "it just makes me feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself."

"What!" he exclaimed, "why?" he was shocked by her admission. "What on earth could make you feel guilty about someone telling you he is in love with you?"

"I don't deserve it…" he watched a tear roll down the side of her face. She broke eye contact again.

He felt his stomach drop, heart broken for her. "I don't know why you feel that way. You definitely deserve it. My God, Liv… all you do is love everyone around you with your whole heart in every fucking single thing you do. Do you realize how deeply you are loved? All of your friends, your co-workers, the survivors who owe their healing to you…" he continued, "answering every single one of their phone calls no matter the time, the day or what you are doing in your life – Liv that's unheard of."

"Why hasn't anyone ever stuck around then?" she challenged him.

"Because your job is a lot," he said. "I'm not going to lie about it to you, I'm going to be honest. The amount of heart you put in to your job is as much heart as you put in to a relationship and you would rather help someone and suffer personally just to save another person's suffering—I see that in you, you can correct me if I'm wrong, but it would take a strong man not to feel second best."

She gave a half-laugh and a half-sob and looked at him. "How do you always fucking figure it out?" she wiped her eyes.

Trevor finally chuckled. "I get you…" he said softly. "I'm the dumb shit ex-husband who funds a ridiculously expensive lifestyle for his ex-wife while she gallivants around town with her new fiancé—still don't have the balls to say enough because I don't want to hurt her," he admitted with a half-laugh, realizing how ridiculous it was that his ex would feel hurt but didn't give a shit about how he felt for all the years that she avoided his needs.

Liv stared at him, wondering what other things had gone on in that marriage that he had suffered. Despite how nicely he spoke about his ex, Olivia couldn't help having already judged her.

"I will never indulge myself in any kind of jealousy of your job or your son, that is one hundred percent, my promise."

"I wish I could tell you how I feel, but I want to be sure and I want to mean it with every bit of me and I don't want to tell you I love you for the sake of words," she responded slowly and carefully.

"That's all I want too, it's okay – there are no expectations," he murmured, caressing the frame of her face.

"I hope you know that every bit of my time spent with you is me trying not to freak out, trying to lean in to you and panic less, but sometimes that bit of PTSD, of anxiety – it all just freaks me out and it can leave me as fast as it arrives, but at times it sticks around."

"And when that happens, you'll just have to tell me what you need from me…" he informed her with an easy shrug. She nodded slowly, averting her eyes. "But at the same time, Olivia, I don't want to be the person who is solely responsible for you feeling as though you can't relax, I don't want to cause you stress or anxiety, so if it's all too much – you just have to tell me to back off."

And just like that, she thought, it wasn't too much anymore.

"I don't want you to back off – I'm just so…" she breathed a sigh, "so fucking scared of … everything and I hate feeling like this because I know it's a lot for you."

He shrugged, "You're worth it," he replied as if it were all simple. "I'm just happy to be in your company." He paused and thought for a second before easing back down beside her, sliding an arm around her, slipping his hand beneath the hem of her shirt so he could caress her back. "Tonight I had so much fun cooking with you… I like that we can laugh together," he smiled.

"And that our sense of humor is pretty on the same level," she added, finally smiling. "I love that about you, you can take a joke even if I'm dead-pan."

"I have to admit, a few times you made me sweat in the beginning," he laughed, "but I like it – that almost-mean banter, its fun and you're very witty."

"Thanks, you're not far behind," she winked.

They shared smiles for a moment and Olivia felt better; he could bring her undone with his words in a matter of moments but also held the capacity to put back her pieces just as fast with his comforting words and his patience and his presence that was persistent enough to show her that his actions matched with his words.

"Remember when we got to Chicago that night and we had all those jokes about how bad my hotel was?" she asked, circling her arm around him as well.

He nodded, "yeah, I was so mean that night," he chuckled, "but I liked that you were so good-natured about it."

"I didn't think you were being mean, I thought you were really funny," she countered, "there's nothing I hate more than when someone has zero sense of humor, it's such a turn off."

He smiled. "Imagine what our jobs would be like if we didn't choose to find humor in the dark or the unintentionally stupid?" he remarked thoughtfully. "I need to laugh and attitudes rub off on to me, it's one of my worst traits, I seem to let other people's energy bring me down."

"Oh jeez… I'm sorry," she started lifted her arm from around him and covered her face.

He laughed, "No Liv, not like that… you don't have an attitude and you're not moody, you just have shit going on, you wouldn't be human if you didn't but I love that amongst it all, you're still able to laugh, that's important."

"I agree, imagine what a basket case I'd be if I didn't?" she replied, inching closer to him. "You manage to surprise me every day… I know I am continually flipping out over stupid things but what surprises me most is how easy this has all been – I've never second guessed how I feel, I've never thought to myself, 'hm, do I prefer staying in on my own or seeing Trevor tonight?'" she confessed, "I always want to see you, you're interesting and smart and so kind—how could you not already have a piece of my heart?"

She felt his fingers grazing the soft skin of her back, up and down absently.

A smile adorned his thin lips and grew bigger, registering that she was sharing her feelings and it made him feel grateful for her vulnerability.

"Thanks for saying that... I will protect your heart at all costs and I don't take your words lightly." He kissed her, feeling relief, knowing that they were both headed in the right direction.

Liv was tired and she knew that he was too, she could see it on his face that he was struggling to stay awake. "I should let you get to sleep, it's almost 11," she glanced at the clock on the wall.

"I know when I go to sleep it means I have less time with you and tomorrow afternoon I have to pick up Eloise until the weekend because Helena is off to The Hamptons with her fiancé to see his mother and I don't know when I'll be able to see you…"

"Its okay, maybe I can meet with you for coffee or lunch or something when you feel like you are able to get away," she tried to seem like she didn't mind but she knew it would be awful to have to go days without seeing him.

"I was hoping you'd say that…" he smiled. "by the way, I told Len about you and I meeting up at the park by chance and that you'd spent some time with Elly and that I'd met Noah and she didn't seem too bothered by it, which I was a little surprised by…"

Olivia understood why his ex-wife might have taken issue with her spending time with their daughter, she would have felt the same way if Noah had an active father in his life.

"That's something, but I get it if she is weird about it."

"Well," he started, "it came up again when she asked me to take El, she said she had been bothered by it, but I'd caught her off-guard so, she asked that I not involve you and Eloise until she's had the chance to meet you whenever you're ready and honestly, I know its rude and-"

"No, no Trevor, it's not rude," she stopped him, "she's just being a protective Mom, I don't begrudge that, I get it—totally."

He looked sheepish. "Really?" He breathed a sigh. "I thought you might be offended."

"No," she smiled, "I'd probably feel the same if I was in her position… I'm happy to meet her whenever."

"Its just that we had a deal that we'd both introduce each other to any one we thought things were serious with before we allowed them around our daughter and she stuck to that, so it's only fair for me to as well."

"I'm fine with that, Trevor, really… when you're both ready, I'm sure it'll be fine."

Trevor smiled, "I'm ready for you to hang out with us whenever you like, Noah too. It's all a just a courtesy really, I don't have to agree, but my friendship with my ex-wife means something to me."

"I know," she agreed, "And I want a drama-free relationship, Trevor, I don't want to do anything that would upset things with her, so we can slow our roll when it comes to Eloise, it's totally fine."

He seemed pleased by her words. "Thanks, Liv…" he leaned over and kissed her lips before turning to shut out the bedside lamp.

He closed the short distance between them and took her in his arms. It was the nicest part for her, having someone that made her feel safe in her own bed. She remembered feeling like there was an ocean between herself and Brian right after him. She remembered willing for him to stop asking if he could touch her and just put his foot down and fight for his own right to protect the person that he apparently loved as much as she had loved him.

The ocean between them grew so wide that she knew nothing could salvage it.

She let out a breath so slowly so that Trevor didn't take it as a troubled sigh.

"Goodnight," he murmured in to her ear, his lips briefly brushing over the skin at her neck.

"Good night…" she replied. She rolled over, nesting her back against his hard chest. She moved her hair out of the way so it didn't get in his face. He pulled her closer, circling his arm across her stomach. She felt his hand slipping beneath the fabric of her top, covering her breast.

She smiled to herself, not minding one little bit – in fact, she quite liked it.

"How does it feel to be batting for the other team?" Kara asked him, sitting at his desk beside him, nodding toward the open files. Trevor looked at the victims with fresh eyes and suddenly understood why exactly Olivia had felt so off after the body of the youngest victim had been discovered.

"A lot less concerned about my moral compass," he admitted, glancing away, wincing as though he was in pain. Maybe he was, he thought. He wondered how it would feel to be the parents of the little girl – one day Eloise would grow up in to a beautiful teenager and he only hoped he could protect her.

"How are you with looking at these photos?" his new boss asked, staring at him pointedly. She could tell that it made him uncomfortable and a little apprehensive by the way he had tensed, glanced only at them fleetingly and flinched each time his eyes passed over them.

"I don't love it," he replied, "I'm not queasy, it's just that… I know what this man is capable of and the conflicting matter for me is that I helped get him back on the streets and this…." He lifted the photos and forced himself to look at them, "this is … blood on my hands…" he thrust them back down with disgust.

"You were just doing your job and now we are going to put this bastard away…" she replied, sensing the guilt heavily weighing upon his shoulders.

He drew in a breath and nodded slowly.

"I know one of the detectives working on this case," he told her slowly, "Stabler…" he added, "I'm just forewarning you, he doesn't like me, I'm not his biggest fan either, but he really doesn't like me. I just want you to be aware."

"Oh?" Kara rose an eyebrow. "Do you know him from dealing with SVU?" she wondered.

He nodded, "Yeah, Olivia and Elliot were not my biggest fan and to be fair, they were probably within their right to believe I was a scumbag lawyer."

"Thanks for letting me know, but unfortunately Elliot Stabler is going to have to just work it out, we all evolve and change, Trevor, you need to just let go of your guilt, it is what it is and we're going to get this piece of shit…"

He gave a tight smile, "I know."