Tears so desperately wanted to fall but my water ducts had longed stopped hours ago. Dawn was soon to rise with the sun and I had yet to get a wink of sleep. Everything ached; lungs, muscles, wounds, throat, and mind. And all of it was my fault, it always was.
The reason for my lunges aching wasn't from the teargas, that had passed once the darkness of the night consumed the light. No, they hurt from sobbing almost all night long, including my throat. By now, my voice had to be hoarse, probably unable to understand whatever I said.
Ratchet had yet to make his appearance once the sky started to brighten. Was he going to send Ironhide to bring me to the brig? Surely he had heard of my… animalistic actions. How could I let that happen? A simple flick of my wrist would've been enough but no. I had to tear into that soldier like some sort of… predator. No, worse and much more dangerous.
When the hangar's owner appeared to start his day, he greeted me. Not necessarily his normal, cheery-ish way but I perked up in reaction. "Morning, Ratchet. How's your morning so far?" Unlike my usual personality and hating talking, I tried to carry on a conversation. I didn't feel much emotion but I still needed to have some interactions with him.
"Fine." Nothing else. My entire mood deflated quicker than a balloon popping. I curled back up into my pile of blankets, wanting to feel something else besides the cold and emptiness within me. The mech sounded like he was getting out a couple of data pads and beginning his day of work.
I swallowed my pride and sat back up to face the backside of Ratchet. "Um… Ratchet?" My voice wavered, fear dripping into my hollow form. It hurt to talk from all of my crying.
He didn't say anything and only hummed for me to continue. "Did… d-did you talk w-with, William?" The doctor shook his head, confusing me. "Then… why, why are ac-acting so distant with me?"
"You asked for me to shut up last night. I am breaking that request as of right now but I'm not that rude to ignore you completely," he answered and typed on a data pad.
Oh. Guilt replaced the fear yet it wasn't as strong as it should've been. "I'm, I'm s-sorry, I wasn't in the right head space. Please, talk with me." My voice made it sound like I was begging, maybe deep down, I was but it wasn't something I would admit so easily.
He put down his hand yet kept his back to me. "All I ask is to tell me what happened yesterday. The twins don't know, and they're worried but I had them stay away from the Med. Bay to give you some time and space." So it wasn't part of my imagination that I felt them through the connection. As if they would listen to him.
A wheeze escaped as I attempted a sigh. "R-Ratchet, I… I-" flashes of yesterday's scenes appeared behind my eyelids when I blinked. "I was, I was fine with the killing. But the sight of William and his team watching me spill blood one-eighty-ed that thought. And, and, and the kids. They were screaming, in fear of me. One cried monster. That shattered me. I've, I've been trying to get better but I'm nothing but a monster. Ratchet, nothing can change that fact."
Said bot grumbled and scoffed at my words and brushed them off with a waved of his hand. "You're not a monster, Azar. We all know this. And the sparklings were scared, not of you though. They've been there for a while, in an unknown place after being kidnapped." He tried to soothe my antsy thoughts, failing in the end.
"Yes. I. Am. I'm a monster who should be locked away or better yet, put down. Like an animal because I sure acted like a wild one while in there," I nearly snarled, feeling the pent up anger from yesterday fester like a wound.
But Ratchet did something I thought he would never do. The mech whirled around and stomped his foot down, hard, causing the nearby tables to shake. "You're not!" His voice rung out through the hangar. "And if anyone dares hurt you will have to face me," he snarled, literally snarled with a fierce look on his face.
My mouth hung open, yet not a sliver of fear burst through at his booming voice. Then he realized what could've been a mistake and tried to apologize but I stopped him. "You, you, you really mean that?" Tears threatened to fall as I questioned him. The only other person who pledge something like that was Zayden.
Without any hesitation, he stared me in the eye, not breaking eye contact. "Yes." I sobbed, again for the millionth time in the past twenty-four hours. My throat ached in reminder. Someone who wasn't family truly cared about me.
He strolled over to me and wiped a few tears away for me. His finger rested underneath my chin as he brought my gaze back up to him. "I do, Azar, I truly do. I don't need to know anything about your past to know that you're an amazing kid. And if anyone says otherwise, point me towards them." I leaned into his touch, feeling a need for it.
At this point in my life, Ratchet had taken the position as my second father.
A growled rumbled in his chest as his other hand tapped the side of his head twice. "Those idiotic twins have been comming me every three cycles." He sighed and removed his hand. "They're really concerned for you. As your chief medical officer, I would suggest you go check up on them soon before they cave in the door." Right, I had that to deal with.
I giggled, feeling more like myself. "As your stubborn, not-good-at-listening patient, I possibly will listen to your suggestion." He sighed, acting disappointed but I knew the undertone of it he really wasn't. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I might go listen to what you suggest." My wings unfurled to glide down.
Ratchet moved his hand in front of the perch, palm up. "No flying until you are no longer wheezing and the stab wound on your back is healed." I couldn't help the nostalgic smile gracing my lips. There's the Ratchet I know.
After making my way out of the Med. Bay, I followed where the connection lead me. My thoughts were going crazy. The doubt bubbling up wasn't helping at all, yet I still felt mostly hollow as if I lost a piece of myself back in that fight. Heh, maybe I did.
The twins rounded the corner of a hangar, most likely feeling me get closer to them. Their faces brightened up and Sides rushed over to me. Excitement dribbling into the connection from the mech. He attempted to swipe me off of the ground but I stepped back from him and shook my head.
When Sunstreaker reached us, he gave me a confused and concerned looked. His twin glanced back at him with the same emotions written all over his face. "What happened, Azar? Whose face plates do we need to cave in?" Sides threatened and sat down on his hunches in front of me.
Nervously, I scratched at the underside of my arm and stared down at the ground. "How much have you heard?" My voice was hoarse and quiet, afraid.
"If you're talking about you killing a few meat bags, it doesn't matt-" Sunstreaker started.
To everyone's shock, including mine, I interrupted him loudly, feeling partially angry. "It matters to me! I'm trying to show those who are afraid of me that I'm friendly. But out there, I just gave them an easier and better reason to be terrified." I stumbled back from them and stared wide-eyed at my hands. What was I becoming?
Sunstreaker, strangely enough, snatched my hands in one of his and drew me close to his face. I could feel his exhale ruffle my hair as his bright blue eyes bored into mine. It felt like he was looking straight into my soul. "If it wasn't for you, a lot more of Will's soldiers wouldn't be returning to base with small amount of injuries that they had. Sometimes you have to kill to survive." And I knew that, it was the reason I was standing in front of them.
While in his grasp, I savored the calming affect that had washed over me. "Now, please tell us what happened in there. No one will tell us and that worries Sideswipe, a lot." The named mech bumped his shoulder into Sunstreaker.
"And you too. I can feel it over our bond in gushing waves," Sides teased his brother who in returned smacked him while still holding my hands.
Then the golden mech turned his attention back onto me and tugged me even closer. I felt the heat coming off of his face. "I won't let go until you tell us."
"Alright, but could we go somewhere… more private?" I requested. The lower end of my tail twitched nervously, unsure on how this was going to go. Neither know me well, they only have heard bits and pieces but not enough to make light of my background. Just my parents and what this war between the two is going on about: me and my deadly abilities.
Sides smiled kindly and nodded. "Of course." He motioned with his head to follow him. "Come on, let's go to our berthroom and we can talk." Sunstreaker seemed content enough to rise from his kneeled position but refused to release his hold. The mech kept both hands in one of his, easily, and lead me over to the tall building with his brother in front. Sides opened and closed the hangar door for us.
I tugged at Sunstreaker's grasp once we were inside for him to let go, but he continued to refuse. It was futile to fight with him about it so I gave in. Sunstreaker pulled me along with him and stopped in front of a Cybertronian sized metal bed that stopped at mid-thigh for him. He easily and carefully hoisted me up and settled me on the thing. Then and only then did he let go but didn't move from his spot in front of me.
At the lack of distance between us, I took note of the bond acting up. His touch made it crazy. His energy and aura drove it wild. It felt like he was feeding that energy into it, forcing it to be this way. Sideswipe, on the other hand, held an atmosphere of calm. Quite the opposite of his brother. I could feel both over the bond, stronger than usual. My guess due to the strength they held behind their emotions and the short amount of space. Sunstreaker seriously wanted to get his point across.
"Talk."
Unlike his other times, Sunstreaker pressured me severely. An aura of authority rolled of him. He desperately wanted me to tell them what happened. And, with hesitance, I did.
Much to my surprises, neither twin was disgusted or terrified but instead was understanding and comforting. If I had any tears left to shed, I would've broken down and held onto them. This is what I exactly needed to help heal myself, or as much as I could with the amount of damage.
By the end, my throat ached from strenuous use over the past twenty-four hours. Sunstreaker didn't release me though, instead hauled me up and deposited me on his shoulder. "How about you stay with us until you're feeling better?" Sides offered and stroked the area between my horns.
This wasn't fake. It couldn't be. It surely felt real like the sun kissing my scales and wind rushing through my hair while I flew.
After the long hours of crying, there weren't any tears left to give. But the twitch of a frown on my lips gave away what I was feeling. Sunstreaker's hardened expression completely washed away. He knelt on one knee in front of me to be eye level with my sitting form and used a finger to tilt my head up at him. Warmth brushed against me over the bond. "We're here for you. If you would like to talk some more, you can. Our audio receptors are open."
"And so are our sparks. Whatever you need, we'll give it," Sides offered strongly and skated next to his twin. My lips wobbled again, a reaction to their words. This couldn't be fake. Their words sounded so sincere.
Our eyes met as I stared at the two them. Sunstreaker's fierce look returned but something told me it wasn't directed at me. Would it help to tell them? Could I open up to them? Their expressions told me everything I needed to know. "Could I tell you a few things? Simple things?" I felt so vulnerable at that moment, even if they already offered to talk.
Sides laughed softly knelt next to Sunstreaker, no longer towering over me. His hand timidly rested on my thigh. "Of course. We would love to know about you. Even if its colors or movies. Whatever you want to say."
With the two so close, I felt at ease, like I could put my guard down. Of course, as the monstrous, creature I am, I didn't, fully at least. These two… something pulled at my heart strings. Okay, okay, simple things; like he said, color or movies. "Okay… well, um, my favorite color is purple… hence the color of my scales. As for movie, I don't know. I haven't watched many," I answered to the best of my abilities. It's over a decade since I've watched a movie in theaters, I think. The years have gone by, I don't know anymore.
Both raised a questioning brow. "Purple? I bet it would be red! Ya know, because of your favorite twin's paint," Sides teased and removed his hand to place it over his chest in fake hurt. Sunstreaker scoffed at Sides's words and rolled his eyes.
"That would a strange color to wear all the time though. It's usually represents anger. Well… some would say I'm fiery ball of anger, I just prefer purple. As for yellow, I'm definitely not happy all the time. That would very weird if I was." Sides hummed at this new information.
"So you're saying the color of your scales when they change mean something?"
"Yeah. It's a visual way to express emotions without body language."
"Interesting." I furrowed my brows at him but decided it was best to brush it off.
"Anyway… I don't know if you knew this since I don't talk about him much, but I have a brother." This surely caught their attention. They froze as they sensed unease in the undertone of my voice. Neither spoke up and gave me time to ready myself. I want to tell them, but it was hard. It's not something I willy-nilly tell anyone. "He's older than me. I think by five years, it been awhile since I've seen him. Kind of… I see him but he doesn't see me, for reasons."
Thinking about that struck a sore nerve. Jeremy has a kid on the way as well, my niece or nephew. The last time I heard from Zayden about the kid, it was too early to tell. "And he has a kid on the way. I don't remember much about him but what I do remember was he's amazing. He's going to be a great parent one day." My water ducts had long dried.
Sunstreaker moved the finger under my chin to stroke the area between my horns. "Does… does he know you're alive?" Sides questioned. I flinched and lowered my head away from Sunstreaker's touched. The mech understanding the action and let his arm return to his side. "Slag, I'm sorry, Azar, I didn't mean to hurt you."
The corner of my lips twitched in a tiny smile, appreciating his apology. "It's alright. But to answer your question… no, he doesn't. He believes I'm either kidnapped or, by this time, dead. I was seven when my mother, Rue, took me away. I don't know long how it's been. The years have ticked by. Remembering time wasn't on my mind while with Jasper. Just to survive and see my family again." My shoulders slumped noticeably. Oh Zayden how I miss you… If only time could reverse and we could be whole again.
Neither of the twins looked like what they knew how to comfort me without touching me. Thankfully they didn't try. I didn't want to be touched. "Azar…" Sides's voice sounded pained. "I'm so sorry." Guilt and anger sparked to life. This is why I don't like spilling my guts to others. They pity me and I hate to be pitied. I survived to live another day, not to be pitied.
I brushed his words off with the flick of my wrist and sat up straighter. "It's in the past. Nothing can be done. I, now, just survive to defeat Jasper to let my brother and father live in peace."
"What do you mean by that?" Sunstreaker said, speaking up.
"Jasper has attempted to kidnap my brother, Jeremy, ever since he has become a big time musician. He could be used as leverage against me. If that were to happen, I couldn't promise innocent blood won't be spilled by me. Jerms and Zayden have been through enough during this war. Once Jasper is taken down though, freedom for me and for them. The best thing I could ask for."
Their emotions swirled around the connection we held. "And we'll be right beside you, helping you. Whatever you want, we'll help," Sideswipe stated strongly. I smiled forlornly, grateful for them, for them just being there whenever I needed.
"Thank you, I meant it. You don't understand how grateful I am… It's been a while, actually, a lot longer than that since I've been able to talk with someone… about those things."
"Of course, Azar. Anything you need. You can go on if you need to but please don't feel pressured to do so. You can stop now and continue on whenever you feel like," Sides offered and timidly placed his hand back on my thigh. This time, I rested my own on his and gripped onto his point finger.
As I opened my mouth to speak, our plans were interrupted by the two getting a com. Scowls adorn their faces and they grumbled irritated. "Will wants you," Sides explained and seemed to be having a secret conversation with his twin.
The content feeling expanding to take over the empty hollowness inside of me skidded to stop. Fear easily took over. They must felt or seen it because a protective aura surrounded us within moments. "Screw him, we have better things to do," Sunstreaker spat and turned to head towards the personal hangars.
"But, Sunstreaker, it might be important," I argued and stood on his shoulder, feeling a few of my wounds aching at the moment.
Both of them scoffed. I rolled my eyes at their antics and unfurled my wings to glide down. But a red bot stopped me from doing so. "Let me go and talk with him to see what he wants. It'll be quick." Sides grumbled, boarder line acting like a child. All he needed was the pushed out lip.
Even with the cold, harsh fear grasping my heart, I knew it was better to get this over with so he doesn't hunt me down.
Sunstreaker, thankfully, listened and rolled towards the main hangar where William stays most of his time there.
On our way there though, neither twin wouldn't let their guard down. They kept me in the 'middle' of them with Sides to my left and Sunstreaker below/to my right.
Inside of the hangar, there wasn't another bot besides the ones I drug in. The main man sat talking with his daughter and another soldier I had yet to meet. I did not like the situation set up in front of me. Why did William request for me with Anna as his audience?
No one could truly ignore the bright red and yellow twins skating into the hangar, including William. He turned and dipped his head in a greeting. Anna rushed to the guardrail excitedly and jumped, rattling the metal below her feet. "Nighty!" her voice carried out in the hangar. Great, now everyone in here knew that ridiculous nickname.
The twin I was sitting on, set me down next to Anna. The kid wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tightly. "Guess what?" She didn't let give me enough time to answer. "I'm going home in a few days. You finally get to meet my mama!" I'm sorry, what?!
William joined us over by the railing. "Yep, once Ratchet gives you the go-ahead, we'll be leaving." Again, excuse me?
I stared in completely shock. "B-but, what ab-about yesterday?" Did he just suddenly forget? And where's his fear? Not a whiff or look from him showed what he felt about my killings.
"You did what you had to, Azar. And I understand that. I may not agree with it but death in war is unstoppable." Once more, I'm sorry, what? "You're here to help win us this war on your own accord and I can't order you. You aren't one of my soldiers as I keep forgetting sometimes."
What was happening? "Has Ratchet told you when you'll be ready to hit the road? Decepticon activity has declined to a level we like to see so we want to head out as soon as possible."
"Uh, no. But, but three days or so and I'll be fine." He nodded his head to acknowledge my statement.
"Who's going with you guys?" Sides spoke up, gaining our attention.
"Just Hide. You two aren't, don't even ask. Last time you were at my house, you left a three foot hole in my wall. So no, don't even think about it." Sunstreaker glared daggers at the human, a warning in his look. Wait a minute, how would the connection react at a far distance? I guess we'll figure that out once we leave.
Sides glanced at his twin. "I don't think that's a good idea." His brother smacked on the back of his head and turned the glare at him, another warning.
William narrowed his eyes at him. "And why's that?" He doesn't know...? He doesn't know. Crap, no one has told him about the connection. Wouldn't Ratchet tell him? And hasn't the CMO done that?
The red mech nervously played his hands, trying to think up a good reason or excuse. "Well, um, you see-" he was interrupted and mostly saved.
"It's private information," Ratchet stated and came to our rescue. How does he do that? William glared up at the mech, as if challenging him to continue.
"And why do those two know?"
"Because it only concerns these three. Now, if you'll excuse us, I need to change Azar's bandages." I took his offer and jumped up onto his hand. Sides and Sunstreaker also left with us, not wanting to deal with William.
"He not going to be happy," Sides joked and rolled closer to the side Ratchet carried me on. "Thanks for the save Hatch."
Ratchet raised a hand that suddenly had a wrench in it and brought it down on the mech's head. Sides had no time to dodge the hit and rubbed at the injured spot. "Shut it. He can't know about it. Humans aren't very accepting to things outside of their 'norm'. You see how they treat her, and she was once like them."
Neither twin spoke up, knowing he was right. "Keep it between the four of us, for all of your safety." All three of us agreed to his terms and silence blanketed us from speaking any more.