Chapter 25: In Which Lily Remembers Who She's Fighting For

Lily stared at the door to the Heads' dormitories for several minutes after it shut behind James. She wanted to go after him, but their final exchange was ringing in her ears. He didn't really mean they were done, did he? One fight, and he didn't want to be her boyfriend anymore?

That was too much to contemplate. So, she stared at the door. He would come back any minute now and they would finish this conversation. Any minute now.

He did not come back.

Lily wasn't sure how long she stood there before her legs turned to liquid beneath her and she sank onto the sofa with a choked sob. Her heart was pounding like she'd just run a marathon, and it felt hard to breathe. She went back over the evening's events in her mind, trying to figure out exactly when things had gotten so twisted.

Everything had been fine before the Slug Club, but being in the same place with James while trying to pretend he meant nothing to her had been harder than she'd expected. Obviously, he must have felt the same way, since he left without even telling her.

But tonight's fight had been about more than the party. James had kept something important from her and put himself in danger, and she still wasn't sure that he hadn't done it, in part, because he was frustrated by her desire to be cautious with their relationship. Spying on the Death Eaters was the sort of thing he would always want to do. Angry with her or not, he had always hated Dark magic, and he was brave to the point of recklessness, not to mention talented and all-too-aware of it. But after their talk earlier in the year, she had thought they were on the same page about dealing with any Death Eater nonsense together. So, for him to sneak out of the castle without telling her, now, there had to be something more in play. Didn't there?

"We're not done here!"

"I think we are."

"He didn't mean it," she said out loud, her voice only a little wobbly. The answering silence mocked her.

Slowly, Lily rose from the couch and walked to her bedroom, moving as if she were surrounded by a dense fog. She was not conscious of stripping out of the dress she had worn to Slughorn's party or putting on her pajamas. She plaited her hair mechanically, her fingers moving purely by instinct, then brushed her teeth and washed her face the same way. By the time she climbed into her bed, she was half convinced the whole evening had been a dream.

Her sleep was restless.

In the morning she lay in bed, trying to sort her nightmares from reality. But the reality was, she and James had had a huge fight, and he did not want to be with her anymore.

For the first time since James had walked out of their dormitory last night, Lily let herself really, truly, cry.

The worst part of the whole argument, she thought, was that he had accused her of using him. Their flirtation may have started out as a game, a harmless distraction from real life, but, in just a couple of short months, James had become an integral part of her life. The boy she had started spending time with to get over one heartbreak had come to mean far more to her than the source of the original heartbreak ever had. In fact, it was because he meant so much to her now that she did her best to show him that when they were alone, and then did whatever it took – even ignoring him – to protect him in public. The fact that he took her private displays of affection to mean she only thought him good for one thing hurt more than she could say.

Wiping the wetness from her cheeks with her fingers, she took a determined breath and sat up. She was going to have to find him and talk to him. It would be difficult, and if he didn't want to hear what she had to say, she wouldn't force the issue. She wanted James Potter in her life, but getting him back might require some humility – on both their parts. She could apologize for hurting his feelings at Slughorn's, but he needed to apologize for making decisions about the Death Eaters without her. And if he couldn't do that, if he really didn't want to be her partner in every sense of the word, she would just have to figure out how to let him go.

A pain shot through her chest, as though her heart flinched at the very idea of losing him.

She took another deep breath and heaved herself out of bed. This day required a plan. First, she would check on her velvet beans. Then, she would shower and dress nicely – looking good was good for her confidence. And then she would talk to James.

The mucuna puriens plant was doing well. The flowers – bluebells with an attitude, she thought, and smiled – were big, droopy, violet things, and most of the seed pods looked full near to bursting. The plant looked healthy and strong, though Lily did notice a few smaller brown pods toward the bottom of that looked a bit shriveled and neglected. She would have to pay extra attention to those over the next few days. When so much of the plant was flourishing, it was easy to miss the small signs that not everything was perfect.

"Hang in there, little beans," Lily said, as she sprayed them gently with water. "You're doing great. Don't give up now."

She showered and dressed as planned, choosing a yellow, collared dress and adding a wide orange belt and her tan Mary Janes. She looked good in yellow. Her hair she wore loose, letting the wavy strands tumble over her shoulders so they stood out bold against the dress. She applied a bit of her favorite cherry lip balm to her lips and some mascara to her relatively light-colored eyelashes, and she couldn't help smiling at the effect. She was absolutely not above using her gorgeous green eyes as a weapon.

Armor donned, Lily prepared to go slay last night's dragons.

She held her breath as she opened her bedroom door. Unsurprisingly, James was not in the lounge. She released her breath with a sigh. Even though she hadn't really expected him to be there, it would have been such a relief to find him waiting for her with an apple (or a packet of sugar quills) and a crooked smile.

But that was okay – she had put on her big-girl pants this morning. She marched over to his bedroom door and gave it three rapid knocks before letting her hand drop to her side, fist clenched. After thirty seconds of silence, she knocked again, harder this time.

There was still no answer, nor even the sound of movement behind the door. He was not there.

Well, then. She would just have to go find him.

She crossed the lounge and made for the door, intending to do just that. But when she opened the main entrance to the Head's quarters, she was surprised to find her path blocked. She let out a little "Eep!" and Remus' eyes met hers, his expression amused. He was sitting sideways on the top step just outside the dormitory, his gangly legs crossed at the ankles, as though it were the most natural place for him to relax on a Saturday morning.

"Morning, Lil."

Lily approached him with eyebrows raised. "'Lo, Remus," she said cautiously. "Are you here to prevent me from leaving or James from coming back?"

"Neither." Remus put his feet on the step below him and stood up, brushing his palms on his corduroys. "Or maybe both." He shrugged. "I wanted to talk to you before he did. May I come in?"

"Of course," Lily said. Her mouth felt dry. Talking to Remus was not part of the plan. The plan was to confront James, make him talk through whatever was really troubling him. But Remus didn't want her to talk to James yet. Why? Was he here to prepare her for the worst, perhaps offer some comforting words meant to cushion the final blow?

She gestured for Remus to follow her back into the Heads' lounge, where she sat down gingerly on the sofa. He did the same. When he didn't speak right away, she blinked at him expectantly. "So…"

Remus' expression, amused before, was full of concern now, his brow furrowed and his lips curved in a hesitant smile. "Are you all right?"

Lily blinked again, tears welling in her eyes. She hadn't expected the question, although she should have; Remus was the most empathetic of her friends, even more than Dorcas. He was an excellent listener, and he noticed everything and accepted everyone else's pain as if it were his own. She had not realized how scared she was that no one would understand how she was feeling, that she not only feared she might not be able to convince James to take her back, but a small part of her feared for her friendships. Marley and Sirius and, yes, Remus. But now that he was here, asking after her well-being, she felt immensely relieved.

With a deep breath and a bit of effort, Lily willed her tears away. She had cried enough already this morning. The smile she offered Remus was weak, but sincere.

"I've been better," she admitted. She chewed on her lower lip for a moment. "What did he tell you?"

"A lot." Remus hesitated. "He's pretty hurt about the way you've been avoiding him in public, Lil. And he's not wrong about that. But it sounds like he said some pretty hurtful things, too."

"Yeah." The tears prickled behind Lily's eyes again. "He said we're done. He doesn't want to be with me anymore."

Remus waved his hands. "Wait, hold on. He broke up with you?"

Lily nodded. "I mean, I think so! He didn't say anything to you?"

"No," Remus said slowly. He rubbed his temples, thinking. "He said...well, he told us he said some horrible things and you said some horrible things and then he just walked out. But he never said he broke things off."

"His last words to me were, 'We're done.' Or something. I said we weren't done, and he said he thought we were." As she recounted it now, it seemed less clear than it had last night. "And then he left and hasn't been back."

Remus sighed. "I don't think he meant it. He said after you told him to fuck off he just left, but I don't think he meant to end your relationship." He shook his head. "You need to talk to him, Lily."

"I know that, that's what I was about to go do." Lily's nerves made her just a touch defensive. "I want to get us back on the same page."

"Good. But you can't just ream him out for going to the Death Eater meeting, all right?"

"But we've talked about this before, before we were even together! I don't want him trying to keep me out of the fight against Voldemort!"

"You're right, and he should've told you." Remus' amber eyes were intent on hers. "But even though you told him you want to fight Voldemort together, you also told him you don't want the junior Death Eaters to know you're dating him. So, is that your way of trying to protect him, or do you just not want to be with him? Because you're making him feel like you don't even want him around."

"What? How could he say that?" Lily demanded, her voice cracking. She took a deep breath. "I know I ignored him too much at the Slug Club, I'll admit that. His being there made me nervous. But he knows I always want him around! All I ever want to do is spend time with him!"

Remus gave her a reproachful look. "You won't even sit next to him at breakfast or give him a hug between classes."

"I'm trying to protect both of us."

Remus' expression gentled. "Isn't that sort of a double standard, then, Lil?"

"How do you mean?"

"You don't want him protecting you from the Death Eaters by not telling you about their plans, just like he doesn't want you protecting him by pretending you don't know him when you're in public."

Lily scowled. "It's not the same thing. If the Death Eaters are planning something at Hogwarts, I need to know about it just as much as he does. But that doesn't mean we should take out an ad in the Prophet reminding them not only am I the Mudblood Head Girl, but I'm dating the only son of a well-respected pureblood family!" She shook her head. "You've seen the rise of anti-Muggle rhetoric this year, and the way those Slytherin bullies pick on half-bloods and Muggle-borns. I've got to deal with them as Head Girl, but I don't want to put myself in the path of their wands any more than I've got to. Surely you understand that."

"Of course I do," Remus said, sighing. "I completely understand feeling like you should hide yourself. But at what point do you stand up and claim your right to exist?"

"I—" Lily paused. She had been confused as to how James could possibly think she was ashamed of him or that she didn't want to be with him, but Remus' words cast everything in a different light. She swallowed hard. "I don't know."

"I'm not saying it's easy, Lily. I was sure the lads would stop being my friend when they found out—what I am." There was only a small hint of bitterness in Remus' voice. "And then I was sure I'd get kicked out of school, or that I'd hurt someone. Especially one of them. I still worry about that."

"I know," Lily said softly.

"But what I've realized—what they've made me realize—is that I deserve to be here. I deserve to have friends. I'm not just 'Remus the dangerous werewolf,' I'm a wizard and a decent person and also a werewolf. One part doesn't erase the others."

Lily reached out to squeeze his hand. But before she could say anything else, the door to the Heads' Quarters banged open.

Remus and Lily's heads both whipped towards the sound. James stepped inside with a cautious expression on his face, hand already in his hair. "Alright, Evans? Moony?"

"Hey, Prongs," Remus said.

Lily tried to smile, but she wasn't sure she achieved it. She nodded a hello without speaking. James frowned, his hand dropping to his side.

Remus cocked his head thoughtfully at Lily, then patted her knee. "I'm going to let you two talk. See you later."

"Later, Moony," James said, nodding at his friend.

"Bye, Remus. Thank you."

"Of course, Lil." He gave her an encouraging smile before she shut the door behind him.

James folded himself into the spot Remus had vacated and stared at Lily for a moment. His hands fidgeted in his lap and his eyes were bright with nervous energy. Lily wasn't sure if it was a good sign or a bad one that he looked as nervous as she felt. She held her breath.

"Hi," he finally said.

"Hi," she said quietly, on an exhale.

James gave her a half-smile, a shadow of his usual grin. "So, I—" he began, but Lily interrupted him.

"Are we broken up?" she blurted, and then instantly wished she could take it back. She sat up straighter and pressed her shoulders back to project a confidence she did not feel.

He stared at her for a moment. His smile had dropped away – in fact, his expression was now remarkably blank for someone usually so emotive. Then he shrugged. "You tell me."

Lily's shoulders sagged a bit. "Well, I'm not sure, that's why I asked. Last night, you said we were done."

"I—what?" James' expression went from blank to shocked. "No, I didn't!"

"You did!" Lily clenched her fists in her lap and tried to keep her voice even. "Right before you left, I said we weren't finished and you said we were. And then you went downstairs and never came back!"

His face softened. "Aw, Evans," he said gently, and for a second Lily thought he might hug her. She wished he would. His hand flew to his head instead. "I meant we were done for the night, done arguing. Not done with" —he gestured between them— "this." He paused, his fingers clenched in his hair. "Unless you want to be."

"No." Lily's response was immediate, her chest heaving with relief. "I don't want to break up."

"Okay. Good." James nodded, his lips quirking in a small, crooked smile. But it disappeared quickly, and he took a deep breath, appearing to steel himself. "But you've got to talk to me, Evans. You say you want to be with me, and I know I want to be with you, but something's off between us. Like at Sluggy's party—"

"I was wrong to ignore you," Lily said quickly. "I got nervous about who might be there, who might see us—"

"But that's just it, Evans! You care more about what they think of us than about how we actually feel! Or at least, how I actually feel." He ruffled his hair again. "I just don't understand why."

Lily bristled. "It's not that at all! Of course I care how you feel. It's because I care about you that I'm trying to protect you!"

"But you don't need to protect me," James argued. "Just like you don't want me to try to protect you by going off to fight the Death Eaters without you. We're supposed to face them together. You don't have to fight them alone."

"I know, but—" Lily cut herself off as Remus' words came rushing back to her. Yes, she was Muggle-born. Yes, that made her a target. But she was more than just the "Mudblood Head Girl," as she'd so bluntly put it to Remus. She was a witch, dammit, no matter her birth, and she deserved to go to Hogwarts just like every other witch. She deserved to have friends who would stand up for her as fiercely as she would for them.

She blinked up at James, who was watching her intently. With a rueful sigh and a smile to match, she nodded. "You're right."

"I—" James paused, his expression quizzical. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she said softly, shrugging one shoulder. "It is hypocritical of me. But, for the record, I don't agree that I shouldn't try to protect you. I can't stop trying to protect you any more than I can stop caring about you. And you can't ask me to."

"Evans." His eyes crinkled at the corners like he might smile. "I'm not asking you to stop caring about me. And I understand you want to protect me, but can we at least agree that this isn't the right way? Ignoring me, pretending we're not even friends when anyone else is around?"

"James, the Death Eaters don't want people like me to go to Hogwarts, they don't want me to be able to work in the Wizarding world, and they certainly wouldn't want me to marry a pureblood. The more they see us together, the more they'll target us—both of us—to do us harm."

James was quiet for a moment. Then, with a barely-suppressed smile, he asked, "You've thought about marrying me?"

"James, I'm being serious!" Lily cried, throwing up her hands. "I don't want you to get hurt because of me! And I don't want to get hurt, either! I want us to face them together, but I'm scared! If they have their way, I'll lose everything I care about!" She shook her head rapidly, nearly frantic. "I don't want that. I can't lose Hogwarts, I can't—" She cut herself off abruptly and looked up at James with wide eyes. "I can't."

"You won't." His grin was gone, and he scooted closer to her and put one arm around her shoulders. She relaxed into his hold and felt his body relax in turn. A shiver rippled through her when he kissed the top of her hair. "That's why we're going to fight them, right?"

She nodded, blinking to fight the tears that were welling behind her eyes. "Yeah." She had never quite admitted before how scared she was, not even to herself. But Remus' words had made her realize that she wasn't just acting like she was ashamed to be with James – she was acting like she was ashamed to simply be who she was. "I guess I thought I was making things easier for us. But maybe I've just been a coward."

"No. You'd be a fool to not be a bit frightened of them," James said firmly. "Just…let me be your partner. I understand why you don't want them to know that we're dating, I've always understood that. But that was never supposed to mean we couldn't talk to each other. I'm your friend, I promised you that, remember? Don't push me away."

"I never meant to." She looked up at him. "I won't anymore."

"Good." He pressed his lips to her forehead, then leaned his cheek against her hair.

"And you shouldn't keep secrets like that from me, either. Not about them."

He nodded. "I won't."

"Good. I—" love you, James, she thought. But the words froze on her tongue. "I'm glad we're okay."

His hand slid over her shoulder and down her arm until it covered hers. He laced their fingers together and squeezed. "Me too, Evans."

Lily would have loved to stay cuddled up on the sofa with James for hours, but, unfortunately, he had Quidditch practice. It was probably for the best – she had never made it to breakfast, and her stomach was now registering its objections rather loudly. After she ate, she wandered out to the Quidditch pitch with her Charms textbook so she could pretend to revise while watching the team run drills.

Out there, the rest of the sunny autumn afternoon flew by in a blur, much like the Quidditch players overhead. Marlene kept the team late, so Lily and Dorcas went to supper together and jokingly groused about the woes of dating an athlete. Between supper, a trip to the girls' dorm to see Dorcas' new boots, and the long shower he took upon returning from practice, Lily did not see James again before she left for rounds that evening.

She usually enjoyed rounds, but tonight she just wanted to get back upstairs and spend more time with her boyfriend. She smiled as she thought about it – her boyfriend. She was so glad she could still say that.

Her expected patrol partner that evening, Damocles Belby, was not known for being thorough in his duties, so Lily expected they could finish quickly if she wanted to. But when she stepped into the prefect's office to meet him, she was faced with an unwelcome sight. She froze where she stood.

"I'm supposed to be patrolling with Belby tonight," she said in place of a greeting. "Why are you here?"

"We traded shifts." Severus Snape's black eyes watched her steadily from his pale face, and his worn, overlong robes looked like something plucked from the Grim Reaper's wardrobe. "There's no rule against trading shifts, is there, Lily?"

His low, oily voice made her shudder involuntarily. It was like she could feel his words, his gaze, his intent oozing all over her skin. She drew herself up taller and narrowed her eyes. "Not technically, no. But you should've notified me or James, as the Head Students—"

Severus gave a derisive snort. "So, he's James now, is he?"

"Yes." Lily's voice was tight, and her face felt warm. "He's my co-Head, and he does a great job at it. We're partners and we're friends. I can call him by his given name."

"Friends," Snape said flatly.

"Yes, friends."

"I don't know why I'm still surprised that you were taken in by his spell."

"Yeah, well he grew up," Lily retorted. "You should give it a try."

"Ha!" Snape flung his arms out to the sides, the sleeves of his robes flapping like wings. "You think he's grown up? You think he's changed? He's the same arrogant, pig-headed, manipulative—"

"For Merlin's sake, get over it, already, Severus," Lily said, rolling her eyes. While Lily had agreed with Severus that James was cocky and overly-aggressive when they were younger, once she had gotten to know him better, she had realized most of his antics were for show. After that, the fact that she didn't hate James Potter had been a constant source of tension between her and Snape. It had bothered her when they were friends. But ever since Snape had shown her the true depths of his prejudice, she had completely stopped caring what he thought about anything.

She turned on her heel and marched out of the prefects' office. "You don't know anything about him. Let's just do our rounds and be on our way."

They patrolled in near silence, exchanging the barest pleasantries ("Oh, I insist—after you") and otherwise speaking only once, to dock points from a wayward Hufflepuff. But when they finished their tour of the castle and were about to part ways, Snape grabbed Lily's arm. "Lily, wait."

She yanked it back. "Don't touch me," she growled.

Anger flashed in Snape's eyes, but he held up his hands and nodded quickly. "My apologies. I just need to speak with you for a moment."

She folded her arms over her chest. "Go on, then."

"Thank you." He stared into her eyes as though he could see into the depths of her soul. She fought the urge to look away. "I just wanted to ask what you're planning to do after we leave Hogwarts."

"What do you care?" She glared at him, clenching her teeth against the urge to ask him if he agreed with Lord Voldemort that people like her shouldn't be able to work in the wizarding world at all. As far as Snape knew, she had no way of knowing about Voldemort's plans, and it was best she never let him know otherwise.

But as she held her former friend's dark gaze, an image of being in James' bedroom before the Slug Club, when she told him she might need Slughorn's connections to find employment, flickered behind her eyes. She could see the moment clearly, James' easy smile and then his look of surprise when she told him how hard it was for Muggleborns to find work. But the image disappeared quickly, and her mind flashed to this morning, when James scooted closer to her on the sofa and reminded her that they would fight the Death Eaters together. She could see his lips twitching with a held-in grin at her passing reference to marriage.

Suddenly, she felt dizzy. She reached for the wall of the corridor to steady herself, her head pounding.

Lily gasped and whipped her wand out, pointing it at Severus. "What'd you do to me?"

"Nothing," he said smoothly, but his cheek twitched slightly as he spoke. "I simply asked you a question."

She shook her head, her mind still reeling. "You did something to me," she repeated, her voice shaking. "Did you try to use Legilimency on me?"

"Of course not." Snape's face was a mask. "Flitwick hasn't taught us how yet, has he?"

"Oh, come off it, Sev. You're clever, you'd love to work it out yourself. It's not like you haven't made up your own spells before." She backed away from him, hoping he would not be able to tell that her hands were trembling. "That's a violation of school rules, you know. Not to mention wizarding law."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. Stay away from me, Snape, I mean it!"

He took two steps towards her, his eyes cold, taunting. "What are you afraid of, Lily?"

"I'm not afraid of anything!" It wasn't true, but he had seen too much already. She could not let him see any more. "But it's illegal—not to mention creepy—for you to poke around in my mind without consent! I should report you to Dumbledore."

Severus narrowed his eyes, then relaxed his face and shrugged. "But I haven't done anything," he said impassively. His tone changed slightly as he added, "You should know I'd never do anything to harm you."

Lily shook her head. "I don't know that at all."

"Yes, you do." Now Snape's mouth twisted in a sneer. "So, what, you think Potter can protect you now?"

"Protect me from what?" Lily kept her wand trained on him and continued backing down the corridor. "I thought you just said you wouldn't hurt me."

"Not from me," Snape said, his low voice once again making Lily's skin crawl. "I wouldn't. But I know you see the way things are changing. If you were with me, I could make sure no one touches you. Potter won't be able to protect you from what's coming."

Lily burst into maniacal laughter. He couldn't be serious. After the way he'd treated her, after joining forces with Lord Voldemort, somehow he still thought she might turn to him for protection? Like she had when she was a ten-year-old girl, just learning of magic for the first time? Back when she felt so alone? Never again.

She could see Snape seething at her dismissive response. She composed herself, folding her arms over her chest and giving him her haughtiest glare. "I'd rather die fighting next to him than team up with the likes of you. Get away from me, Severus. I mean it."

Snape's eyes widened in outrage, then went completely dead, as if he'd flipped a switch. "Fine. But you'll regret this," he muttered through clenched teeth. He turned to leave. "Soon, you'll see. You'll wish you had listened to me. The world is changing. And Potter is nothing. Nothing!"

He sounded, Lily thought, completely deranged. Fighting her instinct to get away from him as quickly as possible, she forced herself to treat him like she would a wild animal. She remained still as a statue – shoulders back, arms folded, gaze steady – not risking any sharp movements as she watched him stalk away. Soon, he reached the end of the corridor and swept around the corner in a swirl of dark robes.

As soon as he was out of sight, Lily turned and began to run back to Gryffindor tower.

...

AN: Sorry for the long wait, but I hope it was worth it! I like this chapter a lot :)