The next time Kokoro took a good look at her dad was a few days later as he laid in a hospital bed, occasionally shaking and screwing his face together in pain. She stared at him blankly with clenched hands and tense muscles. His usually gravity-defying silver hair was deflated and clung against his sweaty forehead. His usually calm and calculating face exuded suffering and intense emotion. His muscles were tense and every now and then would unscrew themselves from her touch. While she was hanging out with Haku, contemplating the Mizukage's offer, and pretending like the only family member she had was a cousin, her dad was fighting two S-rank missing nin, one of them Itachi Uchiha. Whatever genjutsu that bastard had put on her dad had him bed bound and helpless to what seemed like an eternal coma. No one could figure out how to free him. She supposed this was what she got for ignoring him and acting like he never existed.
She sighed and pushed herself off of the wall opposite his hospital bed. The other people in the room - Gai, Asuna, Genma, and Kurenai, to name a few - watched her move about with grim expressions on their faces. She pulled a chair over to his bedside and wiped the hair from his head. He was still hot to the touch and sweating profusely. She stood up and walked out of the room to get a cold, damp cloth to try and bring his temperature down. The nurses continuously checked in on him to take note of his vitals and refill his fluids, but did nothing else. Kokoro took it upon herself to take it a step further. With wet cloth in hand, she made her way back to her dad's room. She rounded the corner to enter the room when she was suddenly rammed into. She fell to the floor in a heap and opened her mouth to yell at whoever bumped into her without apologizing. She closed it when she saw a black-haired boy wearing the Uchiha symbol run down the hall impatiently.
She entered the room and raised an eyebrow at the sheepish jounin littered throughout the room. She shook her head silently and placed the cold rag on her dad's forehead. He seemingly sighed in relief and let go of whatever fit he was having while she was out of the room. She paid no attention to the others as she gripped her dad's hands in her own and silently prayed he would wake up soon. No matter if she was upset with him or not, she was too used to having him in her life to not feel gloomy. She stayed with him day and night until Haku had to force her home to shower, eat, and properly rest.
A day later, she caught wind that Sauke was in the same predicament as her dad. She switched between visiting the both of them as she wanted to make sure they were both taken care of. She often ran into Sakura, who found time between training with her team to give Sasuke flowers and talk to his unconscious body. Sasuke's health was just as bad as her dad's, if not worse. His face was in a constant twist of pain and his body was so tense she worried his joints would lock up and remain that way forever. She always worried for Sasuke and his dream, his goal. Revenge was a tricky thing and if someone wasn't careful, they could get too caught up in it. She feared that would happen to Sasuke. While she by no means liked him as much as she liked Naruto and while she wouldn't really list him as one of her closest friends, he was her teammate.
A week later and Kokoro was ready to faint from fatigue. She sluggishly got up from her seat beside her dad and walked to the adjoining bathroom. She shut the door and relieved herself before flushing the toilet and washing her hands. She gripped the edges of the sink and stared into the mirror. Black circles under her eyes reminded her of a certain redhead and she had to physically shake her body to rid herself of the thoughts of him and to keep her eyes open enough to see. She turned the faucet on and cupped her hands under the steady flow of water, splashing it in her face and slapping her cheeks to force energy into her body. She sighed and righted herself. She jerked the door open with more force than she anticipated and slightly wobbled. She took one step out of the bathroom before falling face first towards the floor. Two arms caught her.
Kokoro wondered why the floor wasn't moving towards her face anymore and blinked several times. Almost as if she were in a daze, she looked up. Her eyes widened to the size of plates and her mouth popped open with a gasp. Blonde hair split into two ponytails cascading down beside a slender neck and over a big bust, two warm, honey brown eyes framed by thick lashes and filled with concern, and a small, purple diamond centered in the middle of a forehead belonging to none other than Tsunade Senju filled Kokoro's vision and practically blinded her from her sleepiness. Her mouth repeatedly opened and closed by itself and she couldn't help but goggle at the woman holding her.
"You look worse than Kakashi," Tsunade commented in concern. She ordered someone to pull up a spare bed and picked Kokoro up bridal style in her arms. She gently placed her on the bed and placed her hand on her forehead before muttering to herself. "The same gray eyes and hair. You must be Kakashi's daughter."
Kokoro took a moment to process her words before nodding her head vigorously in confirmation. Her vision dimmed and her eyes rattled in her head, causing her to hit the bed underneath her with a quiet sigh from exhaustion. Her eyes closed only to reopen when a callous hand gripped hers tightly. A familiar voice started talking to her in a loud and crass way.
"Naruto, please stop yelling," Kokoro whispered. She could feel a headache coming on and didn't want the blond to make it worse.
"Koko, you're okay!" Naruto exclaimed. "When you feel and Granny Tsunade had to catch you I thought you had gotten hurt or something!"
"I'm fine, just tired."
"The brat needs sleep," Tsunade said firmly. She was diligently healing Kakashi and spoke without taking her eyes off her patient. When she finished, a groan spewed from Kakashi's mouth and his eyes opened blearily. He looked around the room before settling his gaze on Tsunade. His eye widened and he sputtered a little at the surprise appearance of someone he hadn't seen in years.
"Lady Tsunade," he managed.
"Don't ask," Tsunade grumbled. "Once you're all healed up, make sure you take care of your brat." She pointed in Kokoro's direction. "She nearly fainted from exhaustion."
Kakashi stared in the direction of her finger with hidden concern and sternness, all of which Kokoro didn't see as she was preoccupied with Naruto. Sluggishly, she pushed Naruto away from her and tried evading his attempts at hugging her. Finally fed up, she glared at him stonily and yelled at him with a fierceness the blond had not seen. Naruto yelped and backed away sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head and giggling nervously.
"Sorry, Koko," Naruto apologized. "I was just worried."
Her glare softened and she waved him over for a quick hug. He sprang at the opportunity and enveloped her in a hug before backing off and smiling brightly. She huffed in false indignation and shook her head. She rolled her eyes and glanced away from the blond. In doing so, her eyes connected with her dad's. She held his stare for a while before she frowned and broke eye contact. She sighed, closed her eyes, and laid back against the bed, only to spring back up in a frenzy.
"Is Sasuke okay?" she asked.
"He's fine," Naruto reassured her. "He's got Sakura keeping him company, so don't worry about going to visit him right now. You should focus on resting first."
Kokoro let out a sigh in relief and laid back against the bed. She smiled at Naruto and told him she would visit him later before she closed her eyes and promptly passed out from exhaustion. Without her conscious holding her back, she couldn't help but to dream. She was standing in a beautiful, lush forest filled with trees, bushes, and flowers.. The leaves on the trees and bushes were painted scarlett and created a wall of red as far as the eye could see. The flowers were dusted with oranges and yellows, and the bark on the trees were cedar. The sky reflected a sunset. She walked through the forest, taking care to not touch or disturb anything for fear it would all disappear. Without knowing it, a thick stick laid in her path and tripped her, causing her to stumble and throw a hand out to steady herself. Her hand connected with the bark of the tree and she was surprised to feel how hot it was. She pulled her hand back in surprise and placed her hand on it again, pulled back and touched it, pulled back and touched it. She wondered why the bark was so warm and wondered if the flowers would feel the same way. She crouched to the ground and placed her legs on a visible patch of dirt. She leaned back on her legs and knees to ground herself before she leaned forward and reached to softly pet the petals of the burning flower. Wind picked up around her and a soft whisper warned her not to touch the flower, but she ignored it and continued to get closer and closer to it. Her finger barely touched the tip of the petal when she recoiled instantly.
Pain shot up through her hand and a warmth she had never known latched onto her finger. She must have done something wrong or activated some sort of trap fore as soon as she touched the flower, the whole forest surrounding her lit on fire. She scrambled to her feet and looked around, frantically trying to find a way out to avoid her untimely demise. All she could see was big, bright flames dancing around her, mocking her and beckoning her to them at the same time. Smoke billowed in her face and suffocated her, her lungs cried out in protest, her eyes started drowning. She cried out in anguish and began running in a random direction. She covered her eyes with her arm to shield them and ran with her head facing the ground. Sweat built up on her body and she could feel her skin start to melt under the intense heat radiating from the fire. Her heart beat in her chest and her breath clogged her throat and prevented her from screaming from the pain of her skin blackening and dripping off. She dropped her arm from her face and began throwing her arms in front of her wildly, desperately pushing all the flaming leaves away from her and out of her face, desperately trying to find a way out. She saw an opening up ahead and almost fell due to the immense happiness she felt at the opportunity presented in front of her. Her feet picked up as she ignored her body's protests and barreled through the inferno.
Finally, it stopped. She didn't feel hot anymore, rather she felt a cooling sensation envelope her body. She bent over and placed her hands on her knees. She couldn't keep her body balanced, so she went crashing down to the ground. She thought she would for sure face plant into a patch of dirt and grass. Instead, water rushed up her nostrils and caused her to shriek from unexpectedness. She laid face down in the water for a moment before she pushed herself up into a sitting position. She wondered briefly why her body didn't hurt anymore, so she analyzed her body and found that none of the injuries she had sustained in that forest were visible. In fact, not even her clothes were damaged. She jumped up and examined herself again, twirling in a circle and pulling her outfit this way and that to find the damage she knew had to be there. But everything was perfectly normal. There was no damage to her clothes or her skin, no sign that she had almost perished in a deadly forest fire. The air was quiet, and as she observed her surroundings, she felt a shiver run down her spine. A light drizzle picked up around her and slowly soaked her from head to toe. Goosebumps raised along her flesh and she rubbed her arms in an attempt to heat herself up. Her gray hair looked closer to black than silver, and it stuck to her face in an annoying manner.
She squinted her eyes to see through the water droplets and saw a hazy image of an animal. Cautiously, she walked towards it. It walked up to her and she held a hand out to it. It licked her hand, its tongue felt small and pointy, like there was a slit right down the middle of it. She let the wriggling animal lick her more and she giggled at the weird sensation. She pulled her hand back, but the animal latched onto her and bit her. Kokoro yelped in pain and flung the animal to the side. She held her hand to her chest and started walking forward. She made it twenty steps before she saw something tall and ominous come rushing toward her. She froze in her spot, turned around and began running. Unfortunately, she wasn't fast enough and she felt her back soak with water. She looked back in fear and saw a huge wave towering over her. Before she could let out a noise of surprise, the water crashed into her and tossed her around. Her lungs burned with the need to breathe. She opened her mouth in habituation and struggled as more water entered her mouth and remained there. Panicked, cold, and wet, Kokoro began swimming as hard as she could toward what she thought was the surface. But no matter how hard she swan, she kept getting farther and farther away. The blue water around her grew murky and dark and black spot began to dance around the edges of her vision. Just as she passed out, the last bit of light faded away and she was submerged in darkness.
Suddenly, she gasped and sputtered water out of her mouth. She coughed and struggled to breathe. She moved her hand in a shaky motion to try and get herself out of the sketchy area when she felt a familiar grittiness. She opened her eyes and saw she was laying face down on a beach. But the beach expanded for miles and it looked more like an endless desert than a tourist attraction. She gripped the sand in her hand as she evened out her breathing and threw it away from her in a fit. It stuck to her body but not in the way she thought it would. She wasn't wet anymore. Like before, there was no evidence of her ever drowning in the water. No, the sand stuck to her like a magnet, like it was starving and needed something to leech off of. She wanted to rub the itchy substance off, but somehow she knew if she rejected the sand, she would go through another rough situation. She stood up lethargically and started trekking through the desert away from the water. The sun beat down on her as it sat high in the sky. There was nothing but sand all around. It looked like she was standing in a huge puddle muddied by dirt and minerals. She sighed and silently wondered if she was stuck in a continuous and heinous loop. She dropped her chin to her chest and began trudging ahead. Her eyes eventually grew tired and her body began to give out on her. She lifted her head to see if she had made any progress and was surprised to see a different color in the distance. It was blue, no green? Maybe a little bit of both? It grew larger and larger as it moved towards her and she felt warmer and warmer as it approached. Not warm as in heat but warm as in comforting. She reached a hand for it, and just as she touched it, she woke up.
She sat up in her hospital bed and loudly gasped. Wildly, she looked around the room and sighed in relief when she realized she was back in Konoha. Her head dropped as her muscles relaxed and she worked on getting her breathing back to normal.
"Bad dream?"
She jumped in place and let out a quiet shriek. She stared openly at her father, who was sitting up in his bed and watching her with a calculated gaze. She glared at him for startling her and looked away from him, crossing her arms across her chest and pouting. She decided she was going to ignore him, until she realized she shouldn't. She remembered how scared she was that he wouldn't wake up, and she remembered how relieved she was when he did. She couldn't deny that she was still angry at him and his actions, but she was more thankful for the health of her dad. She sighed and uncrossed her arms. She returned her gaze to his and replied to him.
"Yeah," she whispered softly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," she said firmly.
There was some silence before Kakashi spoke up and said, "I'm sorry I upset you."
"Are you really sorry," she asked him dubiously, "or are you just saying that so I won't ignore you anymore?"
"I am truly sorry, Koko. I never meant to make you feel that way."
"What way?" she asked. She wanted him to admit to it.
He sighed and said, "I never meant to make you feel like I wasn't spending time with you, like I was disappointed in you. It was never my intention."
"Then why did you act that way?" she asked. "Why did you play favorites? You put Sasuke before me, your own daughter."
"I didn't put him before you, I simply trained him over you. Sasuke doesn't have any family, Koko. There isn't anyone who can train him except me. It is my duty as his sensei to make sure he can advance in his studies," he answered in that condescending tone she hated. She balled her hands into fists and clenched the sheets tightly.
"It's your duty as Team 7's sensei to train all of us. All three of us made it into the finals, yet you only focused on Sasuke. I missed out on days of training with a sensei because Haku wasn't in the village yet."
"You still had someone to train with. Sasuke didn't have anyone."
"Yeah, and what about Naruto?" she asked heatedly. "You think that guy wanted to train him? You know that almost every adult in this village despises Naruto for something he can't control, yet you paired him with a stranger. Naruto doesn't have family either, but I don't see you trying to train him!"
"He needed to learn the fundamentals," Kakashi reasoned.
"That's just an excuse and you know it! Naruto doesn't need to learn the fundamentals! He already knows them, he just can't explain it in terms we're used to. Naruto is capable of so many things, but you're too blinded by Sasuke's natural talent that you can't see anything else!"
"Kokoro, we are in a hospital and I am your father. Lower your voice," he warned.
"What are you going to do, push me out of the room just like you pushed me aside? Well, go ahead! I'm already used to it!" Kokoro shouted.
"That's enough, Kokoro!" Kakashi raised his voice. Kokoro was not used to him yelling at her and recoiled in on herself. Her fists unclenched and she stared down at her lap. Tears welled in her eyes and her fingers moved about anxiously.
"Do you even love me anymore?" she mumbled heartbreakingly. Kakashi was stunned into silence. She heard a rustle of sheets being moved and a faint grunt. Sock-clad feet connected with the smooth floor and padded over to her side of the room. A hand found its way onto her head and patted it a couple times. The hand stopped and smoothed down her hair before pulling her towards a firm chest. She cried into his chest and wrapped her arms around him, trying to find comfort in him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her to him, soothing her quietly and rubbing circles on her back.
"I do love you, Koko," he whispered reassuringly. "I always have and I always will."
She cried even harder in response to his words and clung to him tighter. She had had doubts in her mind about her dad's affections, whether or not they were fake and full of lies. She felt like she was slowly turning to her friends more than her dad in times of need. That meant she was slowly drifting apart from her dad and she was scared of that. She didn't want to feel like her dad was a stranger and she didn't want to ever feel uncomfortable talking to him about her problems. She had had doubts about the honesty of her dad's affections, but being held in his arms and treated with such care and love, she knew she didn't have to.
"I'm sorry I ever caused you to feel this way, Kokoro," Kakashi apologized. His voice sounded strained and he was a bit tense. He pulled away from her and kept her at arm's length. He motioned for her to scoot over, and she did, allowing him to enter the bed with her. He pulled her to his side with one hand and grabbed the blanket and covered them with the other. "I want to tell you something, something I've never been comfortable talking about, but I think you need to hear it. You know about my father and his situation that brought about the whispers regarding our family, but I never told you how I felt about it. "
Kokoro waited for him to gain the confidence to say it.
"I was young at the time, younger than you and very confused. I didn't understand why everyone was so upset with his actions. At the time, I thought it made sense to save those around you rather than to continue and let them die. That's what I thought, but no one else in the village thought that way; at least, no one in the village had made it public knowledge that they thought that way. Everyone scorned him and in return scorned me. My father grew distant and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I felt lonely, like I had to deal with the problem by myself. People would shout at us every time we went out together to buy groceries. My father remained as silent and emotionless as a board, I, however, grew upset. I didn't know why he wouldn't respond or why he was putting distance between us if it wasn't me who was causing such upheaval. He avoided my questions and eventually began avoiding me.
I began to grow frustrated with him and soon started resenting him, too. I started avoiding him, too. Until, one day, I couldn't. He killed himself, committed seppuku, honorable suicide," he sneered just enough that she picked up on it" in the living room where I would find him. I looked down at his body and realized that I was truly alone. I had no one, no family. I felt empty inside. And even though I had spit such malicious words in his face, I never meant them. I wanted him to realize how badly the situation was hurting me and do something, say something. But he didn't, and the image of his body laying in a pool of his own blood has forever tainted my mind. He left me alone in this world and allowed those around him to taint his character. By committing seppuku, he allowed the villagers to confirm that what he did was wrong. I buried myself in the rules and memorized them so I could live by them, so I wouldn't ever feel the village's shame like my dad did. I do not know if I truly forgive him, even after all this time."
He was quiet for a moment before he said, "I never thought I would ever have a child, but I am glad I had you, Kokoro. I don't think anything can compare to the joys of fatherhood. The reason I confided in you was because I don't want us to drift apart like my dad and I did. I don't want you to grow up like I did, and I don't ever want you to feel any of those intense and negative emotions I felt as a child. I can empathize with you. I know what it feels like to have a father ignore you. I never thought I would reverse roles, but I never wanted to. I never went out of my way to purposefully ignore you for someone else or for something else. I never had a father to grow up with. I don't know what it's like to be a father, and I never had any guidance. I'm trying, Kokoro, to be a good father, but sometimes I'm going to slip up. I will make mistakes, so please forgive me when I do."
"I understand. You are human, after all," Kokoro said with a small smile.
"Exactly," Kakashi agreed. "We all make mistakes, and that's okay. I am glad you brought it to my attention, though. I never want to hurt your feelings or invalidate them. You matter to me, Kokoro, so don't be afraid to tell me anything."
"Do you think you'll ever forgive him?" she asked.
"I am not sure," he answered honestly. "It's hard to forgive him when there are those within the village that remember him and remember his actions. Have you ever wondered why there aren't many Hatakes left in Konoha?"
"I've thought about it before," she answered, "but I've never been able to come up with a good answer."
"Most of them married into other families and took up their spouse's last name, some even changed their last name altogether. The shame my father brought upon the Hatake name still remains today. I've tried so hard to clear it, but no matter how hard I try, it won't clear. That is why I am not sure if I can forgive him."
"I think you should forgive him," Kokoro supplied. "He never talked to you about his feelings about it, so we don't know how much he was suffering from the whole situation or how he felt about the whole thing. He might have thought it would have been better to leave you alone without him so you didn't face any more ridicule than to live and force you to face it. He probably thought all of it would have gone away if he died."
"How do you suppose?"
Kokoro shrugged and fiddled with her fingers. She looked up at him and said, "It's something I would do, risk or take my own life if there was a possibility the lives of those closest to me improved. I used to be scared of death, I think I still am, but I think I would be willing to die for my friends and family."
"Those words comfort me and scare me at the same time," Kakashi confessed. "I'll think about forgiving my father, if you think about forgiving your father."
"I think a part of me has already forgiven you," she said. And she wasn't lying! A very small part of her had forgiven her dad solely based on the fact that they were related and she couldn't see herself playing the ignoring game any longer. The other 90% of her was scared he would revert back to his ways once they were out of the hospital. Her dad was a man of his word if it fit his own views and agenda. As sad of a thought it was, there was a major possibility of him reverting back to his favoritism and ignorance of Kokoro and Naruto. On top of that, he'd admitted to his favoritism, but he hadn't talked about missing her battles or only cheering on Sasuke. But she knew her dad and how closed off he was. This talk would suffice for him and he'd think everything was fine between them. Kokoro wasn't like that. She liked to talk about everything so that no lines of communication were broken.
She didn't know how to bring it up, either. Her dad was probably emotionally exhausted from recounting how he felt during the events leading up to and after his father's death. He was done talking and she could tell by the way he patted her head twice before moving back to his own bed. She laid down and pulled the covers over her entire body, shielding herself from the world and from her dad. She just hoped that whatever dream she was pulled into, she'd see that seafoam object again.
A.N.
I am so sorry for the late update. Side note: I feel like I'm always apologizing in these author notes. Anyway, my internet was out for almost a month and then I got really depressed, and then college got crazy busy. Only one-ish more months to go before I graduate, which means only one-ish more months until I update regularly again. I've been so tired lately, too, so if there are any grammar mistakes in this chapter, I do apologize. It took me almost twice the amount of time it usually does to type up chapters this time due to having to backspace so many times and having to give my eyes a break.
The next chapter will be such a delight to write as Gaara and Kokoro will reunite! I also want to point out that I will be skipping the Land of Tea escort mission as I am okay with not writing about it.
Stay Awesome!