Any More Pent Up Emotion I Think I'm Gonna Explode

They kept driving, next to the World's Largest Rhubarb in Aledo, Illinois where they ate strawberry rhubarb pie until they felt sick. Then they visited a "True Mysteries" attraction about Trolls in Washington, Wisconsin. Finally, they stopped for the night.

Jack laid on the floor, coloring in the book Dean bought him and half watching Paw Patrol. His blonde hair hung over his eyes and the clothes Dean had gotten him were a little too big but he was the cutest thing Dean had ever seen.

"I'll go pick up some dinner for us, I saw a Chinese Food place back in town." Dean's heart ached at the sweetness of the little family standing before him and wished, not for the first time, that it was really his. He walked out of the motel room, but before the door could close behind him, Cas grabbed his arm and stepped out with him, letting the door shut quietly.

"What's up, Cas? You need something else while I'm out? I was thinking about stopping at the big box store in the same area and getting Jack some more clothes, maybe a toy or something to keep him occupied in the car. I don't think I have any more stories in me, man. Unless he wants to hear the ones about those twins I met back in the day. That was a hell of a night."

Dean's mouth ran. He didn't know what to say to Cas out here under the neon motel lights when there wasn't a little boy listening or about to wake up. It felt like they had shared so much, like he understood Cas so well now, but still like they hadn't had a single moment together since he arrived in Massachusetts.

"Dean." Cas interrupted his ramblings.

"What? Yeah, what?"

"Shut up." Cas pulled him tight against his chest burying his face into his neck. The flutter of his breath against Dean's skin drew out goosebumps, making him shiver.

Dean released a deep breath, one that he'd been holding in for days. His exhale was shaky as he wrapped his arms around Cas and dropped his face into the other man's hair. He smelled like motel soap and cheap laundry detergent, but underneath it all, it was the smell of Cas. Sweet and light, a scent that lingered just outside of his awareness. "Jesus, Cas. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to or..." He squeezed tighter.

Cas dropped a kiss onto Dean's neck, pressing his cheek against Dean's jaw. His lips were soft, gentle with no intention other than to be close, to sooth their souls through touch.

"It's okay. You're okay. I'm here." Dean cooed, repeating it like a mantra, indulging in the smell and feel of Cas. He ran his hands up and down the other man's back, offering warmth and support and devotion like a prayer.

Cas leaned against Dean, letting him take the weight he bore for a moment, relieving him of having to hold all the responsibility alone. He let out a sigh that almost felt like a sob breaking from his chest.

They stood like that for a long time, just breathing each other in, Dean finally having the chance to hold Cas and soothe him the way he's wanted to this whole time. Eventually, it was long enough Dean started to worry about Jack being inside alone, but he couldn't stand to let go. He couldn't bear to pull away from Cas now that he finally had him back. The idea of Cas leaving again made his heart stutter and all his fears swirl in his head until he was clinging to Cas as much as he was to him.

Who was saving who?

Cas leaned back, arms still around Dean, and locked blue eyes with green before pressing his lips against Dean's for the first time since they were reunited.

It was slow and sweet. One beautiful kiss made up of thousands of delate brushes of lip against lips and skin tingling from touch. Cas hummed and mewled against him and Dean became dizzy with it, with the gentle press of soft lips and breathy gasps. He wrapped an arm up around Cas's back, curling his body around the smaller man's. He ached to touch, to feel, but he revelled in what he got. Dean pushed the fingers of his other hand into Cas's hair, feeling the soft, short hair shift under the pads of his fingers. Cas leaned into his touch, soft breath exhaling against Dean's lips.

Dean moved his hand to cradle Cas's face, brushing his thumb against the thick beard. He wanted to memorize Cas's every feature with his fingers and lips. To memorialize him in his memory and keep his close forever. Cas's lips melted into liquid warmth against his, warm and perfect against his own. He took and took whatever Cas would give him, too afraid to ask for more, too afraid that if Cas was willing to give it he wouldn't be able to stop.

"Dean," Cas's voice was breathy and deep, digging under all of Dean's self-control. "I have to go back inside."

Dean pulled away, steadying himself by leaning his forehead to Cas's and setting his hands on the other man's too pronounced hips. "Okay, yeah. I understand. I'll, um, I'll be back soon, okay?"

Cas nodded and pressed his lips to Dean's again before slipping back inside the room.

"Jesus," Dean kicked the curb as he pulled out his keys. That man was going to be the death of him. Fuck if he didn't lo…

Dean froze. The thought was not a surprising one but one that still shocked him to his core. Of course he did. He knew it. He'd driven all the fuck out here and spirited him and his kid away from a goddamn cult in the middle of the night for fuck's sake. No one in their right mind would do that if they weren't… Fuck.

Dean turned off his brain for a while, climbing into Baby and switching into auto-pilot. He had shit to get done and he couldn't spend time in the middle of a parking lot having some emotional revelation. No one had that kind of time unless they were in a chick-flick, and he was pretty sure chick-flicks didn't have crazy ass cults in them.

When Dean returned to their motel room with a bag of treasures in one hand and delicious smelling Chinese in the other, Cas had Jack suspended in the air on his hands and feet.

"Dean! I'm an airplane!" The boy cried out, the wheee almost audible. Cas flew him around for a minute while Dean laughed and set down his bags.

"You do it!" Jack yelled. "Dean, you do airplane!"

With a crooked smile, Dean let Cas put his feet on his hips and took his hands before jumping into the air. And for a moment, he was flying. For a few seconds, everything lightened and gravity shifted and all that existed were the sounds of Jack and Cas laughing. This was freedom.

And then, he lost his balance and fell onto Cas, catching himself with his hands at the last second. "You did that on purpose."

Cas smiled and this time, it was his full toothy grin that ignited Dean's heart. "Maybe." He leaned up and kissed Dean on the nose before flipping him over and getting up to eat.

"The beard looks good on you," Dean breathed against Cas's ear before getting up.

Chinese food was a hit. Jack ate more of Dean's moo shu pork than his own chicken and snowpeas and got more of it on himself then he did in his mouth. Dean cleaned up while Cas gave him a bath, another night of surprising family ease. They fell into these roles of domesticity so natural it felt like they'd been doing it all along. When his bath was over, Jack took up jumping on the bed while Castiel grumbled.

"What's the matter?" Dean asked over his shoulder.

"Jack's pajamas are dirty. Covered in food and juice. You should know, I blame you entirely, especially since you let him eat breakfast without a napkin."

"Oh yeah, I'm the problem. I'm not the one who let him drink juice in bed." Dean laughs before grabbing his purchases. "Hey Jack, wanna see what I found?"

Dean pulled out a set of pajamas with fire trucks on them.

"These are for me? Thank you, Dean!" He leapt off the bed and grabbed them, pulling them on mostly by himself with glee, but his real joy came when Dean pulled out the matching pajama pants he'd gotten for himself and Cas.

"I'm not putting those on." Cas frowned giving Dean a look of abject horror.

"Daddy!" Jack whined, only to be joined by Dean (now wearing his pair) in chanting "Daddy! Please!" ad infinitum until Cas gave in.

"You two should not be allowed to combine your powers." Cas frowned, grabbed the pants, took off his jeans, and pulled them on right there. "Happy now?!"

Jack clapped and danced and jumped at Cas until he picked him up and threw him on the bed in a fit of giggles.

"Daddy, if Dean is a safe people, does that mean he's family?" Jack asked as Cas tucked the blanket up around him.

Jesus these nighttime talks were intense. Were all kids like that?

"Yes, Dean is like family."

"So, like Aunt Hannah? Is Dean my uncle?"

"No," Cas smiled and chuckled lightly, running his fingers through the boy's hair. "Dean is more like Uncle Tobbias, Aunt Hannah's husband."

"Are you and Dean married?"

"No, but he is my boyfriend." Cas through a look at Dean and sent a soft smile.

"Oh. Papa wouldn't like that." Jack's face scrunched up as he thought about that and Dean could feel the silence in the air as Cas stopped breathing.

"No, he wouldn't. What do you think about that?"

Jack rolled toward Cas and the two studied eachother's faces like some kind of mime in a mirror act. "I like Dean," the boy shrugged. "Buuuut… does that mean you give him smoochies?"

Dean tucked his head and turned away to keep from laughing. The boy was just too sweet for words.

"Yes, Jack, I do give Dean smoochies."

"That's gross."

"Why?" Cas asked gently.

"Smoochies go on the lips. Yuck." Jack snuggled down into his blankets, "I don't want smoochies ever." He wished them both a good night and was asleep in minutes. Cas barely had time to climb out of the bed and meet Dean at the little table where they had eaten dinner.

"Smoochies huh?" Dean whispered with a raised eyebrow.

Cas rolled his eyes. "Hannah's doing. I would just have said kissing. She's so repressed."

Dean chuckled and then settled back down into a comfortably uncomfortable silence. It's the way it always was between them now when they were alone, until one of them broke the silence.

"Look, Cas… the thing is-"
"-Dean, I hope you know…"

They sighed at the same time and Dean raked a hand over his face. He set his elbows on the table and lowered his head into his hands, taking a few deep breaths, waiting. Always waiting. The quiet should have been stifling, it should have been rife with tension and anger. But no matter what else was going on, he was here with Cas. And Cas, fuck, he made everything better. He was happier out here on the road doing nothing with Cas and Jack than he'd been in months.

"I'm so fucking mad at you," Dean finally ground out, his eyes still trained downward. "Do you know that? Do you understand how completely furious I am at you? The last six months have been hell." He peeked up through his lashes to look at the dark haired man sitting across from him.

Cas sat with his arms wrapped around himself, shoulders slumped forward. His shirt hung a little too big and his bones were too prominent in his face and shoulders. Dean didn't want to have this talk. He wanted to feed Cas with his fingers and kiss him in every sharp corner and deep crevice until they were healed, but that wasn't going to actually solve anything.

"Yes, I know." Cas said.

"And I get it. I do. I look at Jack and I can't say I wouldn't have done exactly what you did. Really. But why couldn't you tell me? That's what I don't understand. Didn't you trust me?" The last words come out with a choking sound and Dean's voice breaks. His skin feels too tight, like he's trapped inside his own body, inside his own fear. The way burn victims must feel as their skin tightens and hardens into scar tissue.

"Dean…" Cas looked down at his hands and folded in on himself a little more. The kind of protective move a beaten animal would make.

"Did you think I wouldn't help you? Or that Jack would change how I feel about you?"

"Please," Cas whispered, a tear dripping from his face and free falling to the table.

"You gotta talk to me, man. I'm here. I'm in this thing. With you. WIth Jack. I'm in it. I'm not going anywhere, no matter how mad I am right now." Dean's voice was raw as he tried to push his heart out through his words. He needed Cas to feel it, to know that he meant what he was saying. But as usual, he didn't have any idea what Cas was thinking. "I don't want to be mad at you anymore, but you hurt me. You scared the shit out of me. I don't know what to feel.

"Dean, I was born into a dangerous world. One where violence and cruelty were the consequences of any assumed wrong. A world where compassion and understanding had no place. You knowing about Jack... It wasn't that I didn't want to tell you. Of course, it affects you and I had no right to keep something so big from you when we were… building something together."

"No shit," Dean grumbled.

Cas nodded and picked at his cuticles.

"Stop that, you're gonna bleed."

"Right, sorry." Cas stopped and laid his hands in his lap. "No matter what I may have done, I'm sorry I hurt you, that was never my intent. And yes, I know you deserved better, I… I don't know how else to say it but I didn't have any choice. If Ishim found out I had told people anything about home, he would have hurt Hannah. He would have hurt Jack. And what would have happened if I'd told you? You would have told Sam and Charlie, and then Jody would have wanted to see pictures and Eileen would ask about his mother and when he could come visit and there was no end to it. And Jack would be vulnerable."

"So you didn't tell me because you didn't think I could keep a secret? That's bullshit." Dean's brows came together, the line wrinkled in his forehead. He was so hurt by the suggestion he forgot to be mad.

"No, I know you would have, but it wouldn't have been fair to ask that of you."

"So now you're just making excuses, finding ways to try to make this my fault instead of the fact that you didn't trust me? That's a dick move, Cas."

"That's not what I meant. I was scared and I couldn't risk that you could end up hurt because of me. I couldn't have anyone else hurt because of me." Cas finally looked up, his liquid eyes bluer than the sea. "Don't you understand? Kelly died because of me."

"No, Cas. Kelly died because of the fucking assholes in charge of that cult. And no one is going to hurt me without some serious consequences, except you. You're the only one who has hurt me here. You were wrong not to tell me. And when you left like that, you were wrong."

"I know that, now. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but everything I did, I did because I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you all." Cas splayed his hands open between them as if his sincerity alone could fix what he'd broken.

"That's the problem though, ain't it? You always think you're doing the right thing but you're doing the selfish thing. Not telling me about Jack was easier for you. Not telling me before you left? That was easier for you. You got to leave and not have to look back and I had to get left without knowing where the fuck you went or if you were okay. I mean I guessed you went home, but to just take off like that without even a note? It was fucked up, Cas. And honestly, it fucked me up."

Dean stood, his frustration and anger needing an outlet. He'd held it in for so long, wallowed in misery just to keep him from tearing his hair out and ripping the room apart with his hands. He'd been so focused on getting Cas and Jack safe, he hadn't let himself feel completely yet, but that kiss outside in the parking lot had broken him, it let the chink in the damn crack and spread until it tried to drown him.

He leaned forward, voice quiet to avoid waking Jack. "I could have loved you, Cas. I could have loved you and Jack. I could have been there for you. But you'd rather be alone."

"I understand." Cas dropped his head.

"What?"

"I understand, Dean. Jack and I will find somewhere to stay until the court date and then we will leave. I can never pay you back for what you did, coming to get us, but anything I can do, I will."

"What?" Dean shook his head, like he could unclog his ears.

"Why do you keep saying that?"

Dean's eyes widened, incredulous. "Because you make no fucking sense!" His voice rose and he ran both hands through his hair. "I just told you that you broke my heart by leaving and your answer now-again-is to leave me? What the fuck?"

"Isn't that what you want? For me to stop hurting you?" Cas's eyes were filled with water, making his blue eyes waver before Dean.

"Yes, No. Dammit, Cas. Stop hurting me by staying." Dean grabbed Cas's shoulders and pulled him up out of his chair and against his chest. "Stop hurting me by being with me. Really being with me."

"Oh." Cas said and Dean tightened his grip on his shoulders, staring into his eyes, willing him to understand.

"Yeah, oh." Dean drank in the sight of him, he carried so much guilt and and fear and sorrow in every movement, every word. How had Dean not seen it before? How had he not realized the cloud of sadness and regret that hung, draped around him. It softened Dean, but it didn't make things okay.

Cas's eyes flitted down to the floor between them before bringing a hand to Dean's cheek and running his thumb over his strong jaw. "That is what I want. To be with you. If you'll have me." Cas turned and looked at the sleeping child in the bed on the far side of the room. "I don't come without complications though, responsibilities."

"Obligations," Dean smiled leaning into Cas's touch.

"Yes.

"I like kids, Cas. I like Jack. I want to get to know him. I like watching you with him and I want to be a part of that if you'll let me. Stop deciding what I want and what is fair without even talking to me. Let me be in this with you. Haven't I proven that I want to be with you yet?"

Cas made a strangled sound and Dean ducked down to catch his lowered eyes. "What is it?"

"I have a lot to unlearn. I'm so used to being alone, I don't know how else to be."

"Yeah, I get that.

"I've never had anyone to talk to. Even Hannah and Kelly. They were good friends, my only friends, but there were parts of me I had to keep from them. Even though they cared for me, who I am was never something they could fully accept. And then in Seminary I just didn't talk about anything personal. And then I met you… And I know I hid a lot, but I feel more myself with you than I ever have before. And I felt free. Free to exist as a person, not the shadow of someone others disapproved of, on the best days."

Cas looked up and pressed a hand to Dean's chest. "I've missed you so much. I've missed the church and having real friends and movie night and Garth. But more than anything else I've missed you." Cas came closer. He rubbed his hands up and down Dean's arms. "I've missed seeing you in the morning and touching you and talking to you. I've missed dinners together and taking care of you. And I'm so sorry." He took a deep breath and stopped rubbing Dean's arms, just held on like if he didn't he might be ripped away. "When you said you could have loved me…"

Dean blushed and Cas looked down.

"Did I ruin it? You came for me, you rescued us like our own knight in shining armor, without even knowing what you were walking into and you just rolled with Jack being a part of the deal, you are a good man, and I don't deserve it after I've hurt you. But I can try to be good to you. I want to be. Do you think you still could?"

"Fuck Cas, I already do. You know that." Dean pulled Cas in for a slow, gentle kiss.

The next morning, they headed to the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota in Darwin, Minnesota, and then to the Quietest Place on Earth which thrilled Cas almost as much as it bored Dean and Jack who decided to play on the playground and be as loud as possible instead. Just an hour outside of Sioux Falls they spent one more night in a motel before going to see a large statue of Buffalo Bill Cody that looked out toward the interstate.

And then, finally, they headed home.