Re:Start

by qwerty19

Sage If. A rash decision in the Corridor of Memories sends Subaru back to Zero. Subaru/Emilia.

29. If

AN: I've been waiting forever to write some of these scenes.

The sheer length of this chapter (21K+ words) has really thrown off my schedule, so I'll be taking another week off to get ahead. Keep in mind that this is a break from posting, not writing. I write every day because I love doing it. All I'm doing is removing arbitrary deadlines.

Then, I'll come back with a wholesome one-shot set in the Re:Start Universe. I've been really excited about it.

Also, we have fanart for the last chapter! It's called "Two Halves of a Whole," and it's by u/emilianatsuki on Reddit. It's incredible, so go check it out!

Special thanks to my fiancé for keeping me on the right path.

Chapter 29 – If

The Authority of Envy, Return by Death, allowed the user to travel back in time upon reaching their end.

Many mythological beings have a sort of "partial immortality." They would not die of old age, but they could fall in battle. Subaru Natsuki was the opposite; he wished to die at the end of a long, happy life, but was constantly murdered along the way.

Dying never got easier. The pain never dulled, and the despair in his final moments always increased. Every time the Witch's Hand grasped his heart, his mind decayed further, driving him to the brink of insanity. Subaru often worried that the next use of Return by Death would finally push him to his breaking point.

As he lay on the cold, wooden floor of the loothouse, choking on his own blood, he realized that he was close to reaching that point.

"Does it feel good?" Elsa asked playfully. "The smell… It's utterly delectable. You must have taken good care of your bowels, no?"

Just like before, he couldn't say anything. As Emilia walked through the door, calling his name, he couldn't warn her. All he could do was grasp her cold, dying hand and mourn all that he had lost.

He had been engaged to Emilia. Beatrice had called him "Daddy." He had saved Meili. He was so close to freeing Shaula. He had already saved Geuse. Now, by opening a single door, he had closed a dozen others.

At least this time, he would be able to save Meili earlier. Maybe he could prevent Crusch from battling the White Whale at all, or even remove Fortuna's Witch Factor.

He closed his eyes for the final time... but the Witch's Hand did not grasp his heart. He did not Return by Death. Instead, he opened his eyes, and found himself negotiating with Felt and Old Man Rom.

'What the hell?' he thought but could not say aloud. He simply parroted a speech that he had used many lifetimes ago. 'What's happening to me?'

He had no control. It was like he was watching a movie from his own eyes, but he felt every sensation, every bit of fear.

He was absolutely terrified when Elsa appeared. He tried to do something, anything, but he couldn't stop her from murdering Felt and Rom. He simply hid in the exact same spot as last time.

Just as he remembered, he was forced to fight Elsa head-on. Instinctively, he tried to call forth a Guiding Hand, but his body aimed a kick at her face, instead. She barely even flinched.

"My, my, there's no need to do that," she reprimanded. Then, as her gaze drifted downward, her face flushed the color of blood. "Then again, those bowels… They're so… juicy."

She eyed them like a delectable treat as he writhed in pain on the dusty, wooden floor. He tried to call for Beatrice, for Emilia, for Satella, but there was only the Bowel Hunter.

He died, and he hated that he woke up again.

Pathetic. He was so pathetic. He needed to find Reinhard, or even Julius. He needed to get to the mansion, to get help. People were dying, and he needed to do something.

But he couldn't. He simply stood there in the alleyway, screaming nonsense at some lowlifes.

Subaru had been decapitated, mutilated, and tortured, but a rusty knife to the gut still hurt like hell. His mouth spewed vitriol, but his mind wept at his uselessness. He needed to escape this cursed loop, but he couldn't. Would he see every death? Some of them? Future deaths? Would he have to repeat it all? Was he trapped?

'Why am I seeing this?!'

Then, a brief reprieve. There was no pain, even though he was tired. He meandered around his old room in the mansion, preparing for bed.

Part of him panicked, knowing that he was about to die again. The rest of him wondered what the hell was happening.

'Is this a Trial?' he thought as his body tucked itself into bed. 'Who's orchestrating it? Is it Echidna? Why is she only showing me my own memories? Why am I aware of what's going on?'

He didn't have time to think more of it, for the curse took hold of his body, feeding his life force to the mabeasts.

His limbs were like iron as he dragged himself through the moonlit halls. He needed help, needed Beatrice to heal him. With all his might, he willed his body to turn to the nearest door… but nothing happened. He couldn't move, couldn't do anything.

Then, the sound of chains approached him.

'Help me, Rem!' he wanted to cry, but he knew that nothing would come of it. She had every right to hate him, Cultist or not.

With his dying breath, he watched his bloody eye roll across the red carpet.

That very same eye watched with horror and betrayal as his friend appeared from within the trees. She held her flail loosely in her right hand while clenching her left into a fist, as if she was fantasizing about strangling him. He tried to escape, but demons were faster than humans.

He tried to tell her about his scent, how it wasn't because he was a cultist. There had been an attack from a Sin Archbishop, and it left an imprint on him.

But no. He couldn't. This vision… no, this reality was cruel. It wanted to break him, punish him for his ineptitude. As such, he could do nothing but spout nonsense about working hard for Emilia's smile.

For hours on end, he was tortured. She tore his limbs from his body, healing the stubs so as to prolong his suffering. She kicked him between the legs, watching with sick satisfaction as he cried out in pain. Rivers of blood poured from his severed limbs, but it was never enough for her. Her thirst for revenge could never be sated, her bloodlust unquenchable.

For a year, he had loved Rem. He had despaired over her loss, and she had been one of his greatest motivations. He wanted to be her hero, make her proud.

"Show me how awesome you can be, Subaru!"

Then, she stomped down on his throat, telling him to shut up as he wheezed.

This girl – sweet, kind, beautiful Rem – had once helped him start over from zero. She had loved him with all her being, and he had loved her, too. Now, she couldn't see him as anything but a Cultist.

In a wretched, pitiable manner, he mentally thanked Ram for granting him the mercy he didn't deserve.

However, she would accept no such thanks from him, for Rem lay before them, dead. Subaru couldn't tell if it was from a curse or the Authority of Gluttony.

He stammered and threw out excuses but couldn't give a solid answer. He wanted to beat the shit out of himself for being unable to save Rem, for hiding in the Forbidden Library for days on end.

But he couldn't. He had no control.

And so… he ran. He ran, and he ran, and he ran.

Her scream of rage echoed through the trees, alerting the crows to their next meal. He ran from his fate, not allowing his friend to avenge her sister. He tried to turn, tried to give Ram the peace she sought, but he fell to his knees by the cliffside, instead.

"I finally found you, I suppose."

Beatrice gazed down at him with glassy eyes. He was another person leaving her, and she was hiding her sadness with cold, tactless logic.

...No. That wasn't what was happening at all.

Beatrice glared down at his prone, vulnerable form, condemning him for his weakness.

"I'm sorry!" he wanted to cry but couldn't. He merely sat there, bemoaning his situation.

"At least die where I can't see you, I suppose."

His body stared blankly back at her, but his mind reeled. He wanted to burst into tears, knowing she had once viewed him with such apathy.

"You are Betty's reason to live, in fact. Every day, Betty wakes up, thankful to be by your side, I suppose. Betty loves her Subaru more than anything else."

Now, she held out her hand, telling him to die. He wanted to take it.

Then, he heard it again: Ram's cry of anguish. Her grief thundered through his mind, and he broke alongside her.

For once, his mind and body were as one. Without an ounce of hesitation, he threw himself off the cliffside and onto the sharp rocks below.

He sent a silent apology to Satella, for he had undoubtedly made her cry that day.

But Satella was not the only woman that Subaru had failed. Emilia, crying beside his injured form, made sure he knew how worthless he was.

"Why do you always push yourself so hard for me?"
"Why can't you save anyone?"

"I don't like that you keep getting hurt because of me…"
"You embarrassed me in front of the other Royal Candidates, and knights!"

"I just wanted you to keep your promise!"
"I hate you, Subaru Natsuki!"

"And so… I'm ending this."
"I never want to see you again!"

With that, she left him behind, just as he deserved.

And yet, he was unable to let her go.

"They're in danger!" he spat at Crusch.
"I'm sorry!" he wanted to cry, for he had let her die.

"You'd be a dictator," he snarled.
"You'd be an incredible queen," he thought emphatically. "If I weren't loyal to Emilia, I would have voted for you."

With that, he dragged Rem behind him, not even thanking Crusch for her hospitality.

Rem brought him to an inn, not once criticizing him for his outburst. "Sweet dreams, Subaru," she whispered with an adoring smile. He tried to call out for her, to beg her to stay, but he fell asleep.

She was gone in the morning.

'There's no point!' he thought as he gave all his money to Otto. 'They're gone! Dead! Sloth already killed them all!'

But his body didn't listen. It merely walked through Arlam village, gaping at corpses like an idiot.

'Pathetic piece of shit,' he snarled. 'Can't even look at a couple dead bodies without acting like one yourself.'

Then, hell froze over, and Subaru gladly accepted another punishment.

'Well, this is just wonderful,' he thought bitterly, for his traitorous body could not move. 'Rem tortured you for hours, yet this is your breaking point?'

He had no idea how anyone could even pretend to admire him.

Then, he was captured by Sloth. The Archbishop was a madman of Subaru's own creation, and they all had a merry laugh at the situation.

"You are truly slothful!" Petelgeuse Romanée-Conti screeched. Subaru couldn't find the energy to deny it.

However, he did have the energy to scream as Rem was tortured. Her body twisted and contorted as the sound of snapping bones filled the air. Her organs were crushed by Unseen Hands, and the stench of stomach acid invaded the cavern. She took one final, rattling breath, and Sloth left the cavern, intent on performing a ritual of Subaru's creation.

Hours passed. Rem crawled over to him, utterly mangled. Her porcelain skin was stained with crimson, and her perfume was drowned out by the scent of iron.

"Y-you're my hero," she choked out. "I love you, Subaru."

He didn't bother convincing his body to follow her in death. He knew it wouldn't. Instead, he found himself carrying Rem's lifeless carcass into a frozen hellscape, swearing to kill a man that, in another life, he had called a friend.

Then, he saw it: the Beast of the End.

"Sleep," it whispered, "along with my daughter."

Gladly. He would happily sleep if it meant avoiding this pain… and there was no greater torment than being forgotten by those you love.

"I have no sister," Ram said, brushing off Subaru's desperate pleas.

So, he took it all out on Emilia, letting her know how much of a failure she was. Despite all the pain, all the suffering, she would fail again and again. She was useless, weak, pathetic. She –

"Subaru… who are you talking about?"

Himself. He was talking about himself.

His selfish, miserable, worthless self was terrified of being alone. Despite his mind knowing the consequence, he spat in the face of the Witch of Envy and told Emilia that he had Return by Death.

Even after seeing it in countless nightmares, it tortured him when she died in his arms.

'Why are you making me see this?!' he shouted at no one, though he didn't expect such a cruel yet simple answer.

"You're a poison, Subaru Natsuki," the Beast of the End growled. "You're the reason Lia is dead."

Ah.

That was it.

Retribution. This was his punishment.

It wasn't a mistake with Door Crossing or some kind of hallucination. It wasn't a Witch's Trial.

He simply needed to be reminded of how much he had failed everyone.

"I am a Sin Archbishop of the Witch's Cult, representing Sloth… Petelgeuse Romanée-Conti."

Those words were spoken by Subaru, for he had failed to predict Sloth's movements.

"I don't want to do this," Julius croaked. "I… I had so much to say to you, my friend."

But Subaru was a wretched, slothful being, and he begged for death. He did not crave mercy, and his mind reveled in how the blade ended his life.

He chose Emilia. He failed Rem. He stared down at her prone, comatose form, for he was the only one who remembered her.

His body stabbed himself in the throat. His mind broke his promise to Satella.

'How fitting,' he thought ruefully. 'A lying promise-breaker. That's all I could ever be.'

He couldn't save a single damn person.

"My, oh, my," Elsa cooed, taking him out of his thoughts. She licked her lips and brandished her knife, eyeing him like a delectable piece of meat.

"Go ahead!" he wanted to shout. "Stab me! End my pain!"

He almost thanked her as he met a swift, bloody end. He just wished it hurt a bit less.

Instead of waking up in the tomb, he found himself in the Forbidden Library. He felt relieved, safe. Everything would be –

"Don't touch me, human! I hate you! I hate you!"

With strength unbefitting her stature, Beatrice struck him with her Gospel, launching him into the bookcase. Blood spurted from his mouth, but his heart was shattered.

For the second time, he thanked Elsa for killing him. This time, however, he appreciated the pain. It was exactly what he deserved.

A frozen wasteland, devoid of life. No bodies, no flesh, no blood, no people, no Emilia, no Ram, no Otto, only Subaru and one, two, five, twelve, a hundred, a thousand Rabbits swallowing him in a writhing sea of white. His arms, his legs, chunks of his torso were torn out as his sides were ripped to shreds. He screamed, and a Rabbit crawled into his open mouth, squirming down his throat and eating his windpipe from the inside. His nerves were alight as pain receptors fired into a mangled spinal cord. Every limb, every extremity, every single appendage had been devoured. He screamed past the Rabbit in his trachea as another tore out his eye and another ate his right lung and another shredded his heart and another sunk its teeth into his brain and –

Empty. He felt empty.

The Witch of Envy, swaying and chanting, approached him with her arms outstretched.

"I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you"

His mind accepted her, for at least he felt something, even if it was the Witch's love.

It was all for naught. His body stabbed himself in the throat, and he found himself stumbling into the tomb. He didn't see the point in moving forward, but his body pressed onward.

"Subaru! You've come back!"

His body could barely understand her. He had lost so much blood. All he could do was drown in her love.

Love? She didn't love him. He was just a replacement.

Her cold, frozen lips tasted like death, and he felt nothing but self-loathing.

Then, it all went away. The hatred disappeared, replaced by rapture. The crowd shouted and cheered, extolling Sirius Romanée-Conti, for their joy was hers! The boy, the wondrous child, fell from the tower! He was performing so well! He was –

Subaru wished that he could have stayed in that loop for a bit longer, for where else could he find joy in such a twisted world?

Unfortunately, all good things must come at a price, and he was overtaken by fear. He lay in a pool of his own vomit as a maniacal Sirius danced around him. Neither he nor the child next to him had ever felt so scared, so terrified. The emotion bounced off him off the boy off him off the boy off him off the boy off –

Ah. So, this was where they had killed Sirius.

'Such a shame,' he thought as he was sliced from shoulder to hip. 'I would have liked to feel for a little bit longer.'

Centuries ago, he had screamed at Shaula. He had said what he knew would hurt the most before trapping her in the Pleiades Watchtower. It was only fair that she repeatedly hit him with Hell's Snipe in return. She had every right to sit by and watch as the Hungry Horse King set him aflame.

He observed his melting body with detached interest, wondering how this was the first time he had been burnt. Surely, he was deserving of a repeat performance?

Then again, perhaps he should experience a taste of his own medicine. His body glared down at Ram as his fingers crushed her throat.

"You stupid bitch! You, who wears Rem's face… I hate you! I hate you so much!"

She struggled, flailing against his grip, so he pinned her down with Invisible Providence.

"You will never be as good as Rem! Never! You bitch, you fucking slut! You're nothing like her!"

She forced him off her as the miasma increased their loathing. They despised each other, their resentment magnified into murderous intent.

"Detestable Barusu! Less than garbage, a deplorable sex freak, I'll kill you myself! You're a dead man walking, an abhorrent waste of air! I won't let your perverted hands touch my sister!"

"You disgusting whore, lusting after that piece of shit clown!"

They lunged for each other once again, but Anastasia stopped him.

That was her downfall.

A blast of wind magic, and Anastasia was split in half. For half a minute, her upper body clung to Subaru as they both fought off Ram. It was only when Patrasche bit his head off that the miasma's effect was dispelled, and he was overcome with guilt.

The wind whistled in his ears as his scarf fluttered about. His skull shattered as it collided with the ground. He wondered when Meili would grow to resent him in this timeline; he doubted she would grant him such a merciful death such as pushing him off the stairs.

'Why am I yelling at you?' he asked himself as he spat vitriol at Emilia. 'It doesn't matter if I'm the true Subaru Natsuki. The shadows will devour us anyway.'

Emilia's lips trembled as she began to say something important. He didn't stay long enough to hear it. It was most likely a confession of resentment, anyway.

It seemed that Reid resented him, too, judging by his impaled heart. He supposed that Reid was yet another person trapped by his pride.

In the fog of his mind, he honestly couldn't remember if he had ever viewed the swordsman as a friend, or if they were sworn enemies.

As he threw himself off the Tower, he realized that no one could ever be friends with a monster like him.

Then came his last death in the timeline.

The first loop back, he was an utter wreck. The memories trampled through his psyche, eating away what little self-esteem he had left. Her wide eyes, filled with betrayal… The anguish on Satella's face…

"I'm sorry," he whispered in the streets of the capital. Upon receiving no response, he threw his head back and gave a wordless scream before slamming his head into the nearest wall. Fragments of his skull pierced his cerebellum, killing him instantly.

"Hey, kid, are you all right? You look like –"

But the appa seller couldn't finish his sentence, for Subaru had begun strangling the stronger man.

"Don't you see?!" he shouted, even as he was thrown to the cobblestone streets. "Everything I had! It's all been reset! Don't you see how much I fucked everything up?! It's all my fault!"

"Are… are you all right?"

His head shot up as a silver bell chimed. Emilia, looking as unsure of herself as the day they had met, was gazing down at him in concern.

His mouth dried up. "Emilia," he croaked. "You're okay."

She took a step back, a bit fearful. "H-how do you know my name?"

"I just do!" he yelled, startling her. "And… shit, you look so much like her, it hurts like hell! Does… is that why I love you? No, that's not, but… fuck!"

He groaned in pain and pulled back his hand, mangled and bloody from when he had punched the brick wall.

His racing thoughts were somewhat calmed by a soft glow. "You shouldn't hurt yourself," Emilia scolded, even as her tone became slightly more distant.

After all, he had likened her to the Witch.

He slid down the wall, placing his head in his hands. She kneeled before him, his frostiness dissipating to be replaced by worry.

"What's wrong?" she asked, and the subtle inflections were so much like Satella's and –

His wife. Satella was his wife, and the world hated her because of him.

Emilia had lived a cursed life because of him.

She didn't reach out to comfort him – likely because she thought no one wanted to touch a half-elf – but she could clearly see his distress. At a loss, she changed the topic. "How did you know my name?"

'Because I love you. Because you're my entire life. Because I fight for you. Because I'd kill myself the moment you're hurt. Because I can be myself around you. Because I promised to save you. Because I'm your knight. Because I devoted my existence to your soul. Because I love you as much as I love Satella. Because you are Satella, even if you're not. Because you're Emilia, and you're everything to me. Because I love you.'

"I just do." He pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face from the world. He had lost her, and there was no way to get her back.

Her lips parted for a moment as she saw that her questions were going nowhere. Then, resolve shone on her face as she gave an instruction. "Tell me your name."

He gave her a strange look. His body experienced a plethora of emotions that he didn't understand. However, his mind was a husk – a detached observer – and understood it perfectly.

It was just like how he had said it during his first loop.

It was just like how she had said it in the collapsing Tower.

Emilia and Subaru were right here… even if all their progress had been lost.

"We'll do it all over from zero," Rem had said.

His body was overwhelmed and was not able to articulate such things. However, he knew what he had to do.

He lifted his head up and looked at her with haunted eyes… but at least they held a purpose now. "My name is Subaru Natsuki," he whispered, "and I will make you queen. I love you."

With that, he slammed his cranium into the wall, shattering Emilia's innocence.

Now, he stood before the appa salesman with boundless determination and a mockery of a smile.

He was useless, pathetic. He was undeserving of this life that he had so cruelly stolen from others. He had nothing to his name, no skills of note.

The only thing he had to offer was his life, so he'd gladly die a million times for her sake.

"Don't worry about any debt," he told Reinhard before running off, for he had long ago lost the right to ask for assistance.

"Go back to the place we met," he told Emilia upon nearing the loothouse. He couldn't bear it if she got hurt.

She refused. Expected, but disappointing, nonetheless.

His body explained to Felt and Rom how his "metia" worked. His mind mocked every detail, nitpicked every word. Neither knew why they put up this charade, for Elsa would arrive at any moment.

The wind whistled as a blade sliced through the air, carving out his insides. Lying beside the corpse of the girl he loved, he watched as Elsa reached into his stomach, pulling out his intestines.

"It's so… warm," she whispered in awe. She held it just under her nose and closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. "For so long, I've searched… and I've finally found them. Such a shame they will soon grow cold; I would have liked to share them with Meili."

Bloody and on the verge of death, he took his last, rattling breath, and spat, "Get the fuck away from my daughter, you bitch."

His mind, ever the tactless viewer, remarked that he held no claim over Meili, for he had left her to be raped and tortured.

In the Mathers mansion, he turned around in his chair, casually slinging an arm over it as he looked to the doorway. Rem stared at him blankly, her flail in her hands.

"You're here to kill us, aren't you, Cultist?"

He knew the words to say. He knew how to avoid such a situation.

She deserved to take revenge after he failed her.

"I-I'm not a Cultist, I swear!" he stammered, gazing at her with guilt.

He was more than happy to give her the catharsis she so desperately sought.

'How odd,' his mind mused, even as his body drowned in self-pity. 'I can't think of anyone else who committed assisted suicide four times.'

Even when his body resolved to make it through the loop, it didn't matter, for Elsa had killed him yet again.

"The Gospel knows all. You haaave no secrets."

And yet, his mind knew that was wrong. 'I do, Roswaal. That's why you need me. You're trying to get me to remember.'

But… remember what? He didn't know, didn't have the energy to think about it.

Then, his final death in this timeline. Emilia followed his plan and was pierced with her own magic. Regulus's hand tore through his heart and into the ground, instantly killing a heartless monster.

He couldn't find it in himself to care.

When he finally opened his eyes of his own volition, he found himself in a familiar place.

A grassy field, stretching endlessly in all directions. A pale-blue sky with white, fluffy clouds in small patches. A single table set for two. The domain of an unbelievably powerful woman. It was just like Echidna's Castle of Dreams… but it wasn't. There was no woman of white and black. There were no other Witches waiting in the shadows. Instead, there was a young lady of platinum and sapphire, eagerly awaiting his company.

Pandora, the Witch of Vainglory, had invited him for tea.

Typically, the mere thought of her was enough to instill white-hot fury in him. He had often daydreamed about ripping her head off her shoulders a thousand times, just to see her squirm.

Now, he was a mere corpse.

Silently, he strode up the hill and took a seat at the table, watching her out of the corner of his eye. As always, she appeared to be about a year or two younger than him, though he doubted that meant anything. She was almost vibrating in excitement, for no others were here to dampen her mood. She would not hold back her love. She would not wear a mask. It was simply Pandora and Subaru, just as she had always wanted.

Neither spoke.

Two cups of steaming-hot tea sat in front of them. They gave off the same fragrance as Echidna's nasty body fluids, but Subaru couldn't muster the energy to feel repulsed, let alone bother questioning how Pandora got access to it. After all, when playing with reality itself, one often defied logic.

He was not entirely positive that she knew about Return by Death, or if she had merely manipulated his memories to force him to have a vision. The latter was not unlikely, especially as he was slowly unlocking tidbits of information she had hidden from him, but he had a feeling it was the former.

It was safe to assume that Pandora both knew about the Authority of Envy and that they could discuss it without worrying about the Witch of Envy.

With glassy eyes, he gazed off into the distance, reliving his torment yet again. Pandora placed her elbows on the table and held her chin in her hands, admiring him like a lovesick schoolgirl.

"You're beautiful, my treasured one," she murmured, barely breaking the silence. "It is not your face, limbs, torso, muscles, or any part of your body, really. Something so… superficial, I suppose, could not entice me. No, it is your wonderful, delectable soul."

He didn't even glance at her. "Thought you hated me," he mumbled, unable to muster the energy to speak clearly. To die almost fifty times in mere minutes… One does not remain human after such an experience.

"Some days, I do," she admitted with a tinge of regret. "Most days, however, I remember how much I adore you, and the harsh feeling flows out of my body with every breath. It ebbs and flows, just as the moon pulls the tide. In the end, though, I always forgive those whom I love. It is what you taught me, after all."

He gave her a blank look. "The only lesson I taught you is how much you make me want to vomit."

She blushed furiously at the insult but changed the subject. As polite and demure as ever, she said, "Please, look at me, my treasured one. Your eyes… I cannot get enough of them."

A spark of irritation flared up; it was the first sign of life he had felt since entering this cursed place. Even so, it was pushed down by the weight of his deaths. "Couple days ago, you said you don't like my eyes."

A small smile danced upon her lips. "Well, I've never cared much for scary eyes. I'm just a sweet little girl, and such things frighten me." Her smile widened as he growled at her. Without a trace of levity, she said, "As for why I want to see them... The eyes are the gateway to the soul, are they not?"

"That refers to hidden feelings."

She shook her head. "Not for those sensitive to such things," she explained. "I see your soul, and it…"

At the thought, her lips parted and her face turned red. Breathlessly, she said, "It does… things to a Witch."

Subaru scoffed. "Bullshit. Dona hated me the first time around."

"Then she saw your eyes," she reminded him, forcing her embarrassment under control. "The moment your soul was revealed to her, Echidna saw what I see now."

He hated to say it, but she was right. Echidna had never looked into his eyes, but the second she did, she had become obsessed with him. It was as if her "love" for Satella was immediately transferred to him; suddenly, she viewed him as a more valuable asset.

But why? What was so valuable about his soul?

Geuse held the same misguided beliefs; the spirit seemed to revere his soul as much as Satella's, even though his power came exclusively from Satella's artificial body.

"You're wrong," Pandora chided, for his thoughts were an open book in this domain of her own creation. "My princess gave you a body of the world's love, yes, but your power comes from the world's loathing. The two are equal in power, yet undeniably opposing forces. Love and loathing, hot and cold, light and dark, Sol and Luna.

"Of course, as the Sage, you have an aptitude for absorbing foreign substances. Ideally, those are the Factors, but taking in Satella's magic was not outside the realm of possibility. Your loathing did not destroy the world's love, nor was it overwhelmed by the invading presence. Instead, you adapted it into yourself, changing your gate and affinity to fit the new body. This clearly did not happen immediately, for it was a barrier through which you needed to break. Once you did, however, your power was unmatched… yet you still were not at your full potential."

The words rang true, but he still had his doubts.

"Then what about now?" he shot back. "I broke my gate after a few Shamacs. Why can't I use that power in my own body, huh?"

Her ever-present smile widened slightly. "Because I won't let you."

He could almost believe that. Almost.

At no point in his story was Subaru Natsuki powerful. All he could do was use others' abilities. He could fight with Beatrice, and, in his past life, he had used Satella's artificial body filled with the world's love. His current Authorities were useful, yes, but he was the least capable member of Emilia's Camp.

Power of his own? Unthinkable.

Like a wind chime on a summer breeze, Pandora said, "It seems you still do not accept the truth, my treasured one. You are one of the two Champions of the Od Laguna: The Sage, filled with its loathing. Your counterpart is the Sorceress, filled with its love. Once you absorb the remaining Witch Factors, you will be perfect, and your potential will be limitless."

He couldn't help it: he laughed. "So, what, is that your goal?" he asked mockingly. "Well, you're doing a pretty shitty job. You want to turn me into some kind of god, yet you lock my supposed powers away. You want me to take the Witch Factors, yet you stole them from Geuse. What the hell kind of plan is that?"

A spoon appeared in her hands, and she used it to stir her tea. Her peaceful demeanor had not lessened in the slightest. "Once upon a time, you confessed your love to my princess on a grassy hill. It was after much hardship and suffering. Was that not more satisfying than a simple 'I love you' on a random day?"

He couldn't help it; he gaped at her and muttered, "Huh?"

She smiled brilliantly, but all he saw was a smirk. "You received great renown for your defeat of Sloth and Greed, and you earned it. Didn't it feel lovely to see their broken bodies at your feet?"

He shook his head in denial. "Th-that's –"

"Last time, you were unable to defeat Lust. Now, on the verge of death, you saved your spirit from her isolation and vanquished your foe in one fell swoop. You defeated Greed, but this time, you were also able to save his wives. Previously, you defeated the Great Rabbit, but no one knew. Now, because of my intervention, the Dragon Tablet projects your achievements to the entire country, and you've received quite the reputation.

"The mabeast user clings to you and will never even consider leaving your side. My princess is dependent upon you, even more so after facing her mother's corpse. The blue-haired demon has a life of her own. Her older sister has collaborated with you, despite her master's wishes. The Hand of Orion is on the path to sanity.

"That is what I do for you. I bring you satisfaction and joy to stave off the suffering. I make you stronger, both physically and mentally. When a payoff could exist, I make it even greater.

"Your gratitude, your fulfillment… With careful cultivation, such feelings can turn to love. That is what I desire above all else."

All was silent in the clearing. Then, Subaru broke down laughing.

It was not joyful mirth. His emotions had begun to return, but his laughter was filled with pain and anger.

"You're insane!" he exclaimed with a mad giggle. "You think making me suffer will cause me to love you? Do you understand emotions at all?"

"I understand just fine," she said serenely. "Every day, I experience love of the highest order. I love you more than anything, my treasured one. You own my heart, mind, body, and soul. I surrender myself to you like a wife to her husband, a daughter to her father, a sister to her brother, and a mother to her son. I desire to control you, to make you mine. I crave your touch, your arms around me as we become one."

Her eyes glistened as she poured her heart out to him. "I love you… my treasured one."

But he wasn't listening. He was too busy laughing. "You don't understand anything! If you want me to be grateful, why did you make me relive every death?!"

Unperturbed by his implicit rejection, she sipped her tea before making a face and gingerly setting it down. "You could not pass your Second Trial. I thought that some practice would do you good."

"The deaths weren't why I failed!" he shouted. "It was leaving everyone behind! All you did was cause me pain, and I hate you more than ever!"

For the first time, he saw her frown. If anything, she looked… ashamed, or even guilty. "Oh," she breathed, taken aback. "I'm very sorry. I thought…"

She averted her eyes, looking genuinely remorseful. "I just wanted to help," she whispered. "I thought that it would make you happy, my treasured one."

"Happy?!" he screeched. She flinched at his tone, but he didn't care. "Being around you is sheer agony! You've orchestrated most of my suffering since coming here! You've led my loved ones to their demise because you think I'd enjoy the payoff!"

He reached across the table and grabbed her by her cloth, pulling her close to him. Her breath hitched at the proximity and his ire increased.

"You will never make me happy," he spat. "I will never love you."

Lidded, enraptured sapphire eyes stared deep into dark brown for a moment. "You will, my treasured one. One of these times, it will work, and I will make you mine."

He roughly pushed her back into her seat with a scowl. His disgust increased as her eyes begged for more. Scathingly, he asked, "The hell does that even mean? You said it before, too."

She gathered her thoughts but did not look away from his eyes. At length, she mused, "I once believed that Crusch Karsten was the best Royal Selection candidate."

He narrowed his eyes and asked, "Huh?"

But Pandora was lost in another world. "With my assistance, she won by a landslide. Due to your collaboration in defeating the Great Mabeasts, you and my princess were venerated and lived happily ever after. You did not love me, even after I revealed myself to you. So, I erased that world."

"Erased that world?" he echoed. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Anastasia Hoshin was the same," Pandora continued, not bothering to answer. "After the Royal Selection, your friend, Otto Suwen, helped you build a successful business in Kararagi. No matter how many times I appeared and tried to make you happier, you merely hated me more."

Subaru had a sinking feeling in his gut. He had an idea where this was going, and he didn't like it at all.

She bit her lip as she was overcome by memories of yet another world. "The lost princess, Freya Lugunica, was a strict yet fair ruler, beloved by her kingdom. You became the Captain of the Royal Guard and led a crusade against me. Our battle was legendary, and you were so close to being perfect… but you would not accept me into your heart. So, I reset the world once again, and I now aim to make Priscilla Barielle the queen."

A happy ending. He had a happy ending. She had torn it away from him.

Her eyes filled with pain, but she pushed onward. "Of course, I have crowned my princess in countless worldlines, but it does not end well. It does not matter if I remove all obstacles or grant you a payoff; you both reject me and call for my destruction." Her voice cracked as she whispered, "I… I could not live with that. So, I tried again, and again, and again."

She wrung her hands together like an anxious child. "We made such a good pair, my treasured one. Your plans, your tactics… I could only attempt to emulate them, but it manifests as mere trial and error. Do I lock your powers? What about your gate? What order do you get the Authorities? Do I not reset the worldline, but merely the timeline? Do your Books of the Dead remain intact? Do I erase your memories? Do I bury them, only to be resurfaced at the proper moment? Do I reveal myself to you, or let you find me? What obstacles do I place in your path? What do I remove? When do you arrive in Lugunica? How many lives are spent here? When is the perfect vessel created? Is a perfect vessel needed? How do I behave around you? What about my princess? How much do I say? How much do I omit? I… What do I do, my treasured one? How do I make things right?"

She looked so… lost. It was if she had relied on him for countless years, only for him to have been ripped away from her.

"Every worldline begins as a carbon copy of the last," she explained in the same soft, vulnerable voice. "However, I make changes, both subtle and sweeping. This specific worldline, fine-tuned over millennia, is the closest we have ever been to once again becoming one. Every detail, every backstory, every historical event… That's my doing. Even the changes in this timeline have all been for your sake. I… I need to do this. I need to keep trying, to find the perfect worldline. I can't… I…"

She gulped and whispered, "I can't live without you… S-Subaru."

Suddenly, tears filled her eyes, as if his name alone had caused her great pain. They were not the ones that she had shown Geuse when he took in the Witch Factor, or those that she had given Emilia while committing perverse actions.

She was genuinely heartbroken.

"Don't you see?" she pleaded, begging for him to understand. "Don't you realize what I do for you? Do you know how long I've lived, trying to get you to love me?"

It was not possible… and yet, he believed her.

Finally, she began to cry. "I've worked so hard, my treasured one... I just want you to be as you once were, and I'll keep trying until you are."

Trial and error for millions of years… and it was all for him.

For the briefest of moments, his heart went out to her. Immediately after, he remembered who he was looking at.

She had murdered thousands. She had orchestrated his entire life and manipulated him at his lowest. Now, she revealed that she had destroyed entire universes just to get what she wanted.

She gave off the appearance of a sorrowful, innocent girl… but she was a monster beyond comprehension.

A beast. A devil. An eldritch abomination.

A Witch.

His face twisted with hatred and disgust. "I will never love you! Just give up! Let me live my life!"

She shook her head slowly and wiped the tears from her eyes with her bare arm. They both knew that she would never relent.

Vainglory. Vanity. Futility. There was no point in resisting because she would keep trying for an eternity.

"I just want to go back," she whispered. "I want what we once had."

His eyes flashed as he growled, "We never had anything."

She shot out of her seat, her eyes burning with passion. "Yes, we did! You loved me unconditionally! I was your number one, above everyone else!"

"You're lying!" he shouted back, though her words struck harder than he would like to admit.

Pandora moved closer with every word until she was standing over him. "I'd never lie to you, my treasured one! You taught me that lying is wrong! You loved me! Every action you take proves it! Your greatest desire is to hold me, to have my love again!"

They continued to argue, with Subaru screaming and Pandora pleading. Every word unnerved him more and more, for he could never love a monster such as her.

After what she had shown him in that vision, he didn't think he could love much of anything.

Eventually, she clenched her fists, and her pale knuckles turned ever whiter. He had never seen her display such anger. "Let me prove it to you," she said coldly, her tears having long run dry. "I will show you our love, and the joy we shared in each other's arms. I will show you my hatred, for you no longer know me. I will show you my reverence, for your soul is intoxicating. I will show you my loneliness, for you have sealed my only companion. I will show you the kiss we shared under the cover of darkness. I will show you… all that I am."

She shot out her hand before he could react and placed her forefinger on his temple.

Nothing happened.

Her face settled into realization and acceptance as she muttered, "I see. Silly me, having forgotten that one. How fortunate, then, that it has not manifested fully."

One moment, she was standing before him, her index finger pushing against his forehead as if trying to phase through it. The next, she was straddling him, pinning him to the chair.

"Relax," she soothed, ignoring the way he squirmed. He called upon a Guiding Hand, but it was effortlessly batted away.

"You know you crave this," she said softly, her lips inches away from his. She stared into his wild, fearful eyes, feeling truly at peace. "Let your soul remember. Open your heart to me. Love me as you once did, my treasured one."

She moved her head even closer as their breaths intermingled. He kept telling her to stop, but it was futile to resist. For all her claims about his strength, it was easy for her to overpower him.

"I cannot show you my emotions," she whispered. "However, at this point, your protection is mostly skin-deep; the rest of your body is ripe for the taking. I can still show you what happens to worldlines where we are not as we should be."

With a feather-light touch, she pressed her lips to his, and he was trapped in an unthinkable present.

He stood at the edge of a cliff, watching the sunset with sorrowful eyes. A single step would end it all. A single step would bring her back.

He couldn't do it.

He ran. He ran, and ran, and ran.

From his fate. From his mistakes. From her.

A pink-haired demon out for his blood.

"I hate you!" she screamed, and he agreed wholeheartedly.

Even so, he would not let himself die.

They grappled with each other, a fire in their eyes. Self-righteous anger stared down selfish wrath as they fought to the death.

Then for a moment, he found himself enchanted by her features. Her rouge irises – it was a disservice to merely call them "pink" – were filled with an unquenchable thirst for revenge. He trusted those eyes more than anything else in the world, for he knew how she felt.

Then, she collapsed. Her transformation could not last. He took advantage of her vulnerability and smashed a rock over her head.

...But he could not kill Ram.

He threw her over his shoulder and took the path of Wrath.

He passed multiple villages, idly remarking that they looked so… dull. Lifeless. Grayscale. They were untrustworthy, full of masks and false smiles. He never knew the emotions that lie within.

"Let me down now, Barusu! Let me kill you!"

Ram was safe. Ram was trustworthy. He knew Ram hated him, and that made him feel secure.

He threw his fist back and struck her nose, knocking her out. Looking around wildly to make sure no one was around, he lay her down in a grassy clearing and reached into his pack. He pulled out a mana crystal – stolen, of course – and placed it on her forehead. He could never do this while she was conscious, but he always took the time to care for her after knocking her out.

He used his free hand to sweep her hair to the side. Her rouge eyes were not open, but he knew of the vibrant colors they brought. Crimson blood flowed from her nose, trailing down her pale, pallid skin.

"Beautiful," he murmured, utterly enraptured. He had never seen such stunning colors.

When she finished absorbing the mana, he replaced the crystal with his lips, giving her temple a gentle kiss. On the outskirts of civilization, completely alone, her resentment was his saving grace, and he loved her for it.

But it wasn't enough to survive. He needed food, water, shelter. So, using Return by Death, he gathered allies and resources. The Blue Lightning, Cecilus, and the Admirer, Halibel, pledged their fealty to the fallen man.

Thus, the Purge King was born into a world of black and white.

"Your colors are so beautiful," he whispered, hand outstretched to a weeping Beatrice. They were not quite as stunning as Ram's, but they were vivid and clear, soothing his twisted soul.

Beatrice gulped, trembling in fear. "Are you… 'That Person,' I wonder?"

It was clear what she wanted his answer to be. It was obvious that she would surrender herself to "That Person."

Could he truly take advantage of such vulnerability?

As he took out his knife and answered in the affirmative, he wondered why he bothered asking himself such pointless questions. He had long ago forsaken the righteous path.

"I am 'That Person,'" he stated, taking out his knife.

She cried more. She smiled widely. She allowed him to stab her in the chest, feeling betrayed yet at peace.

Deeply disturbed, he returned to the Pleiades Headquarters. There, he began a ritual that occurred every ten days.

Dismissing his guards, he went to a room of white and played with his toy, his doll. There was no other place where he could let himself feel at ease. It was the only room where he allowed himself to cry. He bawled into her lap, eventually falling asleep.

Then, he left, without even bothering to say goodbye to Emilia.

The Purge King did not display emotion. He did not show that he cared.

He did not listen to anything but his coin.

"Heads. Leave my presence."
"Tails. Kill him."

His coin landed on tails over a hundred thousand times.

However, one death was not decided by his coin, for his life belonged to one other. As Emilia devoted her broken heart to him, he panicked.

He had ruined her life. She couldn't love him. She was a liar. She could not be trusted.

She had lost all color.

Once more, he ran, and ran, and ran…

"Have you come to die, Barusu?"

...to the one person he trusted.

Subaru gasped, having been pulled out of the vision, but he had no time to process it. Pandora threaded a hand through his hair with practiced ease, exactly the way he liked it. He tried to push her off, but she held firm, unwilling to give up this opportunity.

All was silent in the grassy clearing. On one side, the Witch of Greed stood with her arms spread wide, a smile on her face. On the other, Subaru contemplated the ramifications of this decision.

"A contract with Echidna… It doesn't sound so bad."

He would have to die a few extra times, but he'd already died… what? Almost twenty times? If it meant saving his loved ones, he was more than happy to use his life as a resource. After all:

"I would die a million times for her."

Echidna met his eyes – she seemed quite fascinated with them – and shivered. "Ah, such wondrous words… You truly have come back for me."

Then, they clasped hands, and their contract was complete.

It was the worst decision of his life.

He slapped his hands on the table, glaring into those angry, empty eyes. "What the fuck do you mean, let's do it again?!"

"Why, exactly what it sounds like," she said. "I think you could do even better."

He pushed off the table and paced back and forth, no longer able to look at the Witch. "I died thirty times! I did everything I needed to do! Emilia beat the Trials, I contracted with Beatrice, Garfiel isn't afraid of the outside world, Roswaal's Gospel is destroyed, Elsa was killed, Meili was captured, and the Great Rabbit was sent to another dimension! What the fuck could I possibly do better?!"

She sipped her tea, returning the fluids to her body. "The Trials," she said simply.

"The Trials?" he echoed, bewildered. "Emilia did amazing with them!"

She frowned at the name but continued onward. "I wonder… if you completed the Trials, how strong would you be? How many more burdens could you take?"

He hated it, but he saw her logic. After all, if possible, he was the only one that had to suffer.

And so, he returned to the real world, and stabbed himself in the throat.

His First Trial passed in moments. He waved goodbye to his mother and walked to school, meeting Echidna in an empty classroom.

"How do I look?" she asked, twirling around in an even shorter skirt than the one she had previously worn. "Do I entice you? Excite you?"

Absolutely not. He thought she looked disgusting.

"But Emilia would look damn sexy in it," he muttered.

Suddenly, Echidna's face twisted into something truly ugly, as it always did when Emilia was mentioned. "Instead of me, you would rather see the half-demon? The Witch's daughter? The vessel's spawn? Even in this life, you seek the Sorceress: a pitiful, dependent, ungrateful, disloyal, disgusting whore."

Enraged by her verbal abuse, he darted forward and tackled the Witch, crashing through the window. Her anger melted as she saw his eyes, but it only fueled the fire burning within him.

They crashed head-first into the concrete outside, and he woke up in the tomb.

He stomped outside, still upset. There, he met Emilia, who barely looked up. His bad mood faded as he kneeled before her and placed a hand on her shoulder, giving a soft smile as he did so.

Emilia was wonderful, strong, kind, and beautiful. Emilia was a good person. Emilia could easily blaze through the Trials, given the proper motivation.

However, because of Echidna, he needed to go one loop without giving her that chance. She would remain stagnant and broken, but that was okay. In the end, she would go back to normal. He would save her.

'You hear that, Dona?' he thought, sending it into the crystal around his neck. 'I may become stronger because of the Trials, but this is not my desired future.'

Even so, he would have to keep going to prove it.

"Hey, Emilia-tan," he said quietly. "I passed my First Trial."

She jolted a bit and looked up at him, her eyes filling with tears. Then, she leaned into him, and he wrapped his arms around her, for he was the only one who could bring her comfort.

He knew why she was acting in such a way: her First Trial had destroyed her. She had tried multiple times to no avail. Now, Subaru came and passed it on the first try. She felt pathetic, but he knew that she was capable of growing. He would prove to her that she was a success story just waiting to happen. He would prove that she was capable of anything she set her mind to.

Soon after, he finished the Trials – he had passed the Second Trial around eight loops ago, and the third was merely a future death – and he stepped outside, telling Emilia the good news. She bounded up to him and remained locked to his side, vowing to never let him go.

It was strange; her previous despair had faded, turning into a strange sense of… excitement.

Was this how she truly felt? Was she actually happy?

Or was she merely acting like some kind of lovestruck fangirl because she thought that's what he liked?

With a sinking feeling, he realized it might be a third option. Her First Trial had not merely broken her but changed her permanently.

He didn't want that at all. He loved Emilia, but that was his Emilia, and not a broken girl. So, without waiting a moment longer, he stabbed himself in the throat.

He opened his eyes to a giggling, blushing Emilia, holding onto his arm like a lifeline.

Subaru burst into tears when he came out of the vision. Pandora cupped his face and stroked his cheek with her thumb in an attempt to soothe him, but he almost vomited in her mouth. She didn't notice, and she laid a hand on the back of his neck, devouring him.

Ripped, torn, shredded. His mind was scattered in the wind, and he could not patch it together.

But these people…

Surely, they could bring back "Subaru Natsuki"?

Julius. Ram. Anastasia.

And, of course, the one who had given him the idea: Meili.

All their Books of the Dead would be quite useful… but they would not be enough to bring back "Subaru Natsuki."

He opened eyes that belonged to a hero and gazed down at a blonde child with butterfly pupils.

"Wh-what happened, I wonder?!" she asked nervously, looking into his glassy eyes. "You don't… That despairing expression does not fit Betty's Subaru, I suppose."

He contemplated her words for a moment. "You're right," he whispered at length. "'Subaru Natsuki' would never let you look so sad."

He kneeled to her level and placed his hands on her shoulders. With fierce determination, he said, "I will bring him back. Just trust me."

She shook her head in denial. "Y-you are Betty's Subaru, in fact! Let Betty help you! Let –"

He snapped his fingers, and a flash of light filled the room. Not a trace of the great spirit remained.

However, a new Book of the Dead had appeared.

"Let's go, Shaula," he ordered, walking to the library at a brisk pace. He wanted to bring Beatrice back as soon as possible.

Four hundred years – or perhaps four minutes – later, he collapsed to the floor, clutching his head in pain.

Loneliness. Isolation. Grief. She had pleaded for death, only for it to be granted by the one who had taught her to live.

"Subaru Natsuki" could have saved her. "Subaru Natsuki" would have made her happy. He would bring back –

"Master? Are you dooone yet?"

He whirled around at the sudden noise, and the harsh sound of flesh hitting flesh filled the room. Shaula reeled back from him, holding her reddened cheek.

However, it was clear that her pain was not physical.

"I'm sorry!" his soul shouted, but his body fumbled the words. "I-I was startled, and –"

"It's okay, yup!" she said, wiping off all traces of her previous hurt. "Not the first time that Master's hit me when he's angry, nope!"

Part of him felt utterly horrible. The other wondered just how much she knew.

He hungered for her knowledge… but she was too useful, for now.

Then, a silver bell chimed, "Subaru?"

He faced the sudden noise but managed to stop himself from lashing out. In front of him was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. His mind told him how important she was, that she should not hurt her, but his body could not hear it.

Without taking his eyes away from the glittering amethyst jewels that he was slowly falling for, he flatly said, "'Subaru Natsuki' isn't here yet."

Emilia looked into his eyes, undoubtedly wondering whom she was speaking to, if not "Subaru Natsuki." He would bring back her hero.

Judging by the way she looked at him, the way she was always so close, holding his hand at every opportunity and treating his words like a treasure… Perhaps "Subaru Natsuki" was even her lover.

He approached her wary form slowly. "You're important to him… to me. I can't let this be done by anyone else."

She bit her lip. "What are you talking about, Subaru?"

He paused, gazing at her in anticipation, in sorrow. Through the lump in his throat, he asked, "You trust 'Subaru Natsuki,' don't you?"

She shook her head. "I trust you."

He brushed off her words. "So, you trust 'Subaru Natsuki' to do what's right, even if it seems strange?"

She nodded furiously, a slight smile on her face. "Always, my knight. I will follow you until the end."

'My knight,' he thought.
"Until the end," he whispered.

His resolve was now firm. He closed the distance between them, wrapping his hands around her. She returned his embrace, and he felt her smile into his shoulder.

His resolve was now firm.

"Shaula… kill her."

Heartbreak. Pure, utter anguish passed between them… but she did not resist. She said nothing, did nothing.

She trusted him, even as she was turned to dust.

Hours later, as he looked for her Book of the Dead, he wondered why he still hadn't stopped crying.

Killing became easier after that. He had let Anastasia go, only to devour her memories later. The remainder of the Emilia Camp had been wiped out in one fell swoop. Anyone who had even the slightest relation to "Subaru Natsuki" was erased with a simple "Hell's Snipe."

It was all thanks to the incredible woman beside him.

"Master, I'm so booored," Shaula whined. "Can't you at least kiss me, or something?"

His lips curled downward in disgust. The mere thought of intimacy with Shaula made his stomach churn, as if his very soul rejected the idea. So, he ignored her, and said, "There are a few people in the Royal Capital that know 'Subaru Natsuki.'"

She scoffed but didn't seem to be more than slightly irritated. "I know Master, and that should be enough, yup!"

He closed his eyes and took a breath. Gathering the strength to look at her, he said, "Shaula, you do realize… that I'll have to kill you, too, right?"

He expected shock, or maybe tears. However, he wasn't as smart as "Subaru Natsuki," so he was taken aback when she giggled.

"Well, duh," she said playfully. "I'll do whatever it takes to get Master to love me, yup!"

"But I won't love you!" he said heatedly. "You'd just be dead!"

She smiled as if he was a silly child who would understand when he grew older. "Well, it'll make Master happy, right? That's what matters to me, yup!"

Tears pricked at his eyes, but he managed to whisper a simple, "I'll bring you back, too, Shaula."

In the end, he used Return by Death over a hundred times, but he always opened his eyes to Shaula's smiling corpse.

His eyes shot open, leaking hot tears. He was horrible, disgusting, cruel, despicable. He was an absolute monster, but he had no way of voicing his grievances, for his mouth was otherwise occupied. Pandora increased the pressure on his lips ever-so-slightly, even as his attempts to push her off intensified. She melted into him, gently pressing down on his left arm. The bone snapped in half, piercing through his skin from the inside. He screamed in pain, but her lips lovingly caressed his, and he was silenced.

He did not speak. He did not move. He merely watched the three thugs approach with detached interest. It was like watching the same movie for the eighty-eighth time, and he had gotten sick of it.

He didn't know the middle one's name, or the one on his left, or even the one on his right. He only knew how to kill them efficiently.

A jab to one's stomach, followed up by a knee to their groin. He tore the knife out of one's hand and stabbed it into another's throat. He used the large one's momentum to knock them to the floor before stepping on their neck. Then, without any hesitation, he grabbed the smaller one by the throat and strangled them.

It was messy and gross, but it was the most efficient way to remove the obstacles.

Then, he paused. "Might as well try something different," he muttered.

He tore open the large one's shirt and carved words into their back.

"Come to the loothouse in the slums."

He grimaced, disgusted by his own actions, but he was fine with giving up his humanity if it meant that he'd have a chance of saving Satella. Besides, he didn't have a pen, nor any paper.

Then again, his actions were moot. If he couldn't stop Elsa after nearly a hundred loops, then surely some random guard could do nothing.

He was right, of course. Elsa decimated an entire platoon or Royal Knights with ease, laughing all the while. He was just glad that Satella was able to avoid the conflict, even if it was only for a little while.

Then, he came.

The Sword Saint.

Confident. Kind. Generous. Merciful. Handsome. Elegant. Prestigious. Famous.

Strong.

Reinhard van Astrea was everything Subaru wanted, needed to be, but couldn't.

As if he was swatting a fly, Reinhard twisted his sword, and the loothouse collapsed. Elsa was turned to dust.

Satella was saved.

Subaru was worthless.

...No. No, he had worth, for he could help Satella! He would protect her from the shadows, help her reach her goals!

At least, that was what he told himself as he ran away, crying. He stopped at the side of an abandoned shack, panting.

"My, oh, my," a voice whispered in his ear, making him shiver. "You're running awfully fast, no? Perhaps… running from me?"

He whirled around and punched Elsa in the face, despite knowing it would do nothing. "I will kill you," he spat. "One day, Elsa, I will stand over your corpse with a smile on my face."

She met his gaze with a curious tilt of her head. "How strange," she murmured. "You're an interesting young man, are you not?"

He did not answer her. Instead, he surprised them both.

"I have a job for you, Elsa."

Thus began their toxic, disgusting, gruesome, bloody, but undeniably useful partnership.

Elsa was not the only one he had partnered with. One day, while he was hiding out in a decrepit, abandoned shack, a woman of platinum and sapphire appeared before him.

He shot up, instantly on guard. "Who are you?" he asked, already thinking about alternative hiding places for the next loop. "What do you want with me?"

The woman – she looked to be about sixteen or so – looked at him sadly. "My name doesn't matter," she whispered. Her voice washed over him like a wind chime on a summer breeze. "I… I am not sure why I am here. This worldline is not the one and does not have much longer."

He did not know what she meant, but her voice entranced him, soothed him. He stayed silent, hoping to hear it again.

She wore naught but a snow-white cloth and a blue ribbon, but she collapsed onto a dusty sofa, nonetheless. She placed her chin in her hands as she stared into space. "I suppose… I wanted to see you. Perhaps I wished to apologize for setting you on the wrong path. Maybe I could grant you assistance to reach your goals, even if it prolongs my loneliness."

Somewhere, deep in the depths of his soul, he felt sorry for her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and never let her go. He wanted that more than anything else in the world.

The rest of him, easily dominating such weakness, cared only for Satella.

Even so, he could use this girl. "Assistance, you say? How so?"

Sapphire eyes flicked to his for a moment. Then, she tore her gaze away, as if what she saw pained her greatly. "How greedy of you," she whispered. "Truly, I have made many mistakes."

Before he could ask what she meant, she stood up and held out a black book. "This is a Gospel," she explained, her eyes trained directly on the wooden floorboards. "It will lead you to your desired future. It is the least I can do for you."

He glanced down at the book and took it gingerly. It was heavy and had a strange sort of aura around it.

It felt like the woman in front of him.

"Thank you," he said, at a bit of a loss. "I don't –"

"The cabinets are stocked with food," she interjected, her voice empty. "They will not run out. I will provide a new wardrobe. The villagers will not disturb you. Goodbye, my…"

But she did not finish her sentence. She merely hunched over as if weighed down by sheer despair.

With that, she disappeared, and Subaru felt inexplicably lonely.

A couple of days passed. As promised, he had unlimited food and clean clothes. No one bothered him.

The former, he could believe; this world's magic system often disregarded inconsequential things like the conservation of energy.

No nosy neighbors? Now, that was just impossible.

Paranoid but curious, he made his way outside for the first time in days and gasped in shock.

Dozens, no hundreds of bloody, mangled corpses lined the lifeless streets.

None of the bodies had heads.

Through the shock and panic, he noticed that it was not mere decapitation. They were not clean cuts, for the spine was still sticking out. No, it was as if everyone's head had simply… imploded.

From within his robes, the Gospel grew warm. He whipped it out and tore through the pages, looking for an inkling about what could have happened.

In pitch-black calligraphy were the words, "I do it all for you."

Subaru Natsuki had lost his humanity months ago. However, that day, something inside of him broke, never to be repaired.

The next two months were a blur. He looted the now-empty village, stashing all the valuables in his "home." He searched neighboring towns and eavesdropped in taverns, but there was no word of Satella or silver-haired half-elves.

Eventually, he heard it: a hushed lesson told to a child, explaining a taboo so dangerous and so vile, it had destroyed half the world.

Satella, the Witch of Envy. A silver-haired half-elf with amethyst eyes.

"Satella" had given him a pseudonym. "Satella" had likely wanted to push him away so that his reputation wouldn't be harmed by her.

He was more in love with "Satella" than ever before.

He spread his arms wide and reveled in "Satella's" majesty, only to be cruelly interrupted by the Gospel. Not bothering to hide his annoyance, he pulled it out and casually flipped through it. Then, upon viewing the hauntingly beautiful script, he smiled.

Finally, he could help "Satella." Finally, he could be useful.

"Thanks a bunch, Mystery."

He had no better name, for the platinum-haired girl had never introduced himself.

She terrified him. She was even more of a murderer than he was. She filled his soul with inexplicable, alien affection.

He hated her.

"...but I really appreciate you."

Filled with newfound hope, he pulled out the communication mirror that he always kept with him. He smirked at the face that was revealed.

"Elsa, I have another job for you."

He stood back and watched as Elsa demolished a nearby bandit caravan. Dozens of mabeasts chased down those attempting to flee. Soon, he would be led to someone who could give credit to "Satella," improving her social standing.

But right now, as unbelievable as it may be, he was focused on something else.

He hid behind a carriage, sitting next to a crying, purple-haired girl. He tried to reach out, to comfort her, but she shied away.

Of course, no one would want to touch a monster.

It was not the first time that Elsa had brought the girl along. There had been other obstacles that Subaru had needed to remove, and mabeasts were always useful to have around.

Using her Divine Protection, the girl could act as a mabeast's horn. She'd give a wide smile and act like a miniature Elsa, but something was always off about her. She was different from her "big sister."

Now, he had learned what it was on their third mission, when a bandit broke free and pursued her. She had taken out a dagger and threw it with alarming precision, embedding it into the bandit's chest.

As the light left his eyes, she ran. Subaru followed, eventually finding her behind the carriage where they now sat.

Suddenly, everything clicked. He understood why she was acting like this.

"You never look at your victims, do you?"

She lifted her head off her arms and gazed up at him, not saying anything.

"You let your mabeasts do the work," he continued. "That way, you can pretend that you're not a monster, even if it's only for a moment."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her flinch, and he knew he was on the right track.

He pulled out a dagger and twirled it between his fingers with practiced ease. "But that one bandit escaped, and it was your life or his. You chose your own, and you were faced with your crimes. Then you ran away, all in an attempt to hide from yourself." Finally, he met her eyes and asked, "Am I right?"

She nodded, but he didn't need the confirmation. He had also broken down when he first killed the thugs.

He stopped spinning the dagger and held the grip tightly, his knuckles turning white. "Well, no more." She looked fearful at the thought of more killing, so he elaborated. "You will only call mabeasts to defend me. You will keep your eyes on me, not our targets. So long as we're in the same battle, I'll be the monster. You can just be… Meili."

Without a word, she dove into him, burying her face into his chest.

'Are you proud of me?' he thought to "Satella," even knowing that she couldn't hear him. 'I am bringing you the glory you deserve… but I won't let a child be hurt along the way, promise.'

Mere weeks later, Meili gave him a massive smile, having recently killed Sloth's Fingers… on Subaru's orders.

"Emilia," he murmured, walking along an empty road. "Emilia. Emilia. Emilia. Not 'Satella.' Emilia."

He had learned her name four hundred deaths ago. The euphoria had not died down.

"I will save you," he vowed as he burned Greed's mansion to the ground.

"I will grant you prestige," he promised as he crushed Lust into nothingness.

"Everything I do is for you," he confessed as he defeated Gluttony.

"I will make you queen," he swore as he ordered Elsa to kill Wrath, knowing full well that the Bowel Hunter would survive the backlash.

He said nothing as Mystery bestowed Pride onto him. He merely smiled, hoping that it conveyed his gratitude. The platinum-haired woman wept, for he was not the person whom she loved.

That was fine. He was doing this for Emilia's love, not Mystery's. He killed all the candidates and their knights for Emilia. He eliminated every obstacle for Emilia. He made sure that the public knew that the hero was Emilia. He became the villain for Emilia.

Now, he faced down Reinhard, all for Emilia.

He hated the Sword Saint. Reinhard was everything Subaru could not be: strong, kind, handsome, well-loved, successful. The kind of person whom Emilia would easily fall in love with.

Reinhard, ever the gentleman, offered mercy. He asked Subaru to come quietly.

Subaru spat in Reinhard's face before throwing a punch. He died mere moments later.

He brought Elsa along next time. Nothing changed. Reinhard blocked her dagger with his arm, and the dagger shattered. Even his sleeve was unblemished.

Dozens of tries later, he tried bringing Blue, too. However, even the Immortal King's Sacrament did nothing, for Return by Death activated first.

Hundreds, thousands of tries. Nothing worked. Reinhard could not die.

Then, Subaru threw his head back and laughed, for he finally understood. He could not kill Reinhard… but he could kill "Reinhard."

With every death, the flames engulfing Lugunica burned brighter. More people were killed, and Reinhard broke further.

Finally, Reinhard appeared before Subaru with hatred in his eyes.

"Happy birthday, Reinhard!" he exclaimed. "It's a brand new you!"

Meili stood by his side, a bat-like mabeast on her shoulder. Even as the others were spread throughout the country, he always kept her by his side. "I didn't knooow it's his birthday," she said with wide eyes.

"That's because it's not," Reinhard said in a low voice. He glared daggers at Subaru, feeling hatred for the first time.

Subaru didn't see what happened next. All he knew was that Reinhard had thrown some kind of projectile, killing Subaru in the blink of an eye.

He tried again, and again, and again. He was so close, so very close to reaching Emilia. His plan was almost complete… but Reinhard was too fast. If only Subaru had a few more seconds, then Elsa would appear, and he could seek out his death.

Three thousand loops. Three thousand deaths. Three thousand failures.

All to buy a few seconds.

"Happy birthday, Reinhard! It's a brand new you!"
"I didn't knooow it's his birthday."
"That's because it's not."

Then, a single instinct, not even a thought. All he knew was that he had to get to Emilia.

He grabbed Meili and used her as a shield.

He fell to his knees in shock, cradling her smoldering corpse to his chest. The tears fell, but whether it was from grief or hatred, he did not know.

Besides, who was there to hate but himself?

...Reinhard. He hated Reinhard. He hated Reinhard as much as he loved Emilia.

He would try again.

He took out his dagger and stabbed himself in the throat. He had a few days to modify his plan, and then he –

He was on his knees, cradling Meili's smoldering corpse to his chest.

He had bought himself those precious few seconds. Elsa had arrived to distract Reinhard. The Guiltylowe had come to bring him to Emilia. His goal was complete.

So, why did he feel so empty?

Then, it all went away, replaced by childlike giddiness, for he saw her: the most beautiful woman in the world.

Emilia, the silver-haired half-elf.

He did it all for her.

He rambled on and on, proving himself to be the villain whom she had thought him to be. He pleaded for her to remember him, begged for her to forget him.

But above all, he needed her to know his title, bestowed upon him by a weeping woman of platinum and sapphire.

"I am a Sin Archbishop of the Witch's Cult, representing Pride… Subaru Natsuki."

He dashed forward, his ecstasy drowning out the pain of the spears of ice that pierced his abdomen. He collapsed, and she fell to her knees before him, crying. Desperately, she asked, "Why?! Why did you do this?!"

It was such a silly question. The answer poured out as easily as his hatred for Reinhard.

"I love you."

When he took his last breath, he awoke from the vision, but he was still dead.

Pandora intertwined their fingers, disfiguring his hands. She leaned her forehead onto his, cracking his skull. Her tongue delicately caressed his, destroying his psyche.

...Love. He felt her unbridled, uncontrollable love. He felt her desire to be with him, to have his strong arms hold her close once again.

She just wanted to go back.

She broke away, gasping for breath. Ignoring his injuries – or perhaps unaware of them – she tenderly stroked his cheek as she lovingly whispered, "You have seen my heart, my treasured one. You know we are meant to be together."

He could not answer, scream, nor condemn her, for he was a mere husk of his former self. The images and the Witch's Touch had broken him.

He didn't know where or who he was. He just wanted the pain to end.

He was afraid to die, afraid of the devil before him.

He was afraid of himself, for he was a monster.

Slowly but surely, his mind shut down.

She giggled. "Speechless with affection, hmm? I'll make sure that you have a wonderful payoff, my treasured one."

With that, he disappeared from her realm, and found himself in darkness. A single candle lit up a corner of the room, but he could not make out his surroundings. He couldn't feel, couldn't think. He only knew one thing.

'I'm dying.'

He couldn't die. His life wasn't over yet. He had so much to do, so many people to save.

Who was he saving? He didn't know. He had so much to atone for. He couldn't die.

He was losing feeling in his arms. He needed to feel. With his fractured right arm, he scratched at his equally broken left arm, trying to draw blood.

He couldn't. He couldn't scratch hard enough. The skin wouldn't break.

The bone. Bone was sticking out. He reached for the wound and peeled off the skin from the inside, reveling in the pain.

Pain meant feeling and feeling meant living. If he felt, he wouldn't be unfeeling, and he wouldn't die. He needed to feel the pain to atone for his grievous sins. Nothing mattered. He only needed pain. He only –

"Ah! Wh-what – S-Subaru?!"

A silver bell chimed in front of him. Good. That meant he could hear. He needed to keep going.

His broken arms screamed in protest. Fire coursed through his veins; he was alive, but only barely. His nails dug into his muscles, and he tried to yell in pain, but his skull was shattered, and he could not open his mouth,

He heard a woman scream in terror, panic, and agony. If he kept going, he could move, and he could save her.

His right arm was torn away and pinned to the wall. He groaned in agony as platinum hair flashed before his mind's eye.

The pressure on his arm retracted and a soft glow filled his vision. The pain faded to mere discomfort, and he began to panic. He reached over to scratch it again, but he was pinned once more.

"S-stop it!" the silver bell pleaded. With a wavering voice, she repeatedly begged him to stop hurting himself. He would not. He needed to live. He couldn't shut down.

She said that she was trying to heal him, that she loved him. He didn't know who she was, but if she really loved him, she would let him live.

…Why did he want to live again?

Fire. Hell's Snipe. Dead in his arms. Violated by platinum and sapphire. The Great Rabbit.

He didn't see the point.

Something warm and wet fell onto his arm. The voice that had once pleaded with him now repeatedly cried out a name: Puck. She begged Puck for assistance, to help heal her love.

Nobody came.

She swore, and, in a fit of desperation, shouted, "Beatrice!"

That name…

Blonde. Butterfly. Spirit. Books. Choose me. Daughter.

He remembered Beatrice.

She appeared in the room moments later and rushed to his side, working with the other person to heal him. "What happened?" she asked, her voice filled with hysteria. "Th-the pain and… Wh-why didn't he call for Betty, I wonder?!"

"I don't know!" the other voice said back, "I w-woke up because of… and he's…"

"Never mind! No time, I suppose!" Beatrice snapped. "Heal his skull, Emilia! His brain is exposed, in fact!"

Emilia…

Silver. Amethyst. Kind. Laughter. Forever. Angel. Save. Love. Wife.

Emilia. Satella.

"H-hold on, Subaru!" Emilia cried out. "Y-you can't die! Don't leave me! I love you! You p-promised we would have a family together!"

Family.

Purple. Olive-green. Dolls. Mabeasts. Daughter.

Chestnut-brown. Forest-green. Scorpion. Apprentice. Mabeast. Daughter.

Meili. Shaula.

He may not have a baby, but he already had a family, and he would fight for them.

What little remained of his senses was failing. He was dying, almost dead, but he wouldn't give up his last chance.

A dream… no, a memory, locked away long ago. It pulled away from the shadows and revealed itself to him, and he greedily devoured the information within. Slowly but surely, the pain in his body receded, concentrating in his chest.

His heart exploded in agony. The sensation alone made him want to die, but he couldn't.

And so, he pushed onward. The pain in his chest was excruciating, he could not last much longer, and there was no way he could move…

...but he had stopped bleeding, and his organs did not fail.

The healing magic passed over him, but this time, it took hold. His wounds began to close, and the throbbing in his heart steadily lessened. Managing a slight smile, he deactivated Cor Leonis, Third Shift, and drifted off into unconsciousness.

He dreamt of vague images and blurry memories, unlocked in his struggle with the Witch of Vainglory. He did not remember all that the Od Laguna had taught him, but he knew enough to move forward.

The fact he even had that information…

Were Pandora and Geuse correct? Could "the Sage" really be more than just a title?

Soon, he would learn the rest. Soon, he could finally save her.

For now, he waited in the Shadow Garden.

A blonde child, no more than five years old, ran towards him as fast as her little legs would carry her. With a joyous cry of his name, she gave a toothy grin and allowed him to show his True Face.

A youth with white hair and golden eyes flashed a confident grin and placed his hand over his heart, allowing Subaru's to beat with love once more.

Then, like a silver bell, a warm voice whispered, "I love you."

Her angelic presence, full of love and laughter, danced through his fractured mind. Humming the tune they had sung on their wedding day, she gingerly took the fragments of his psyche and healed it with her love.

In a soothing, melodic tone, she whispered, "Thank you… for giving me light."

With that, she gave him the strength to open his eyes.

Concerned, red-rimmed, amethyst jewels gazed back at him from above. Below him was an uneven pillow of unbelievable softness.

"Been a while since I woke up to a lap pillow," he muttered. His throat – his entire body, actually – felt great. Emilia and Beatrice truly were incredible healers. Of course, it helped that he had at least four hours of sleep.

Emilia did not respond to his statement. He had hoped that she'd quip back, "You get these every night, you ninny," and he'd call her an old lady for using such outdated phrases.

Instead, tears fell from her eyes, making him feel even worse. She always hated seeing him get hurt. It must have been even worse to not know the cause. He reached an arm up to wipe the tears away and froze.

He was in his brightly lit bedroom… and he had no sleeves. The scars on his arms were clearly visible.

She knew.

Her gaze followed his and she choked up. Cradling his head in her hands as if afraid his skull would shatter again, she gulped and asked, "Why?"

He flinched. He had never prepared for this conversation, even though he had often been warned about it. So, at a loss, he broke down.

"I'm weak. I'm useless. I don't know how to cope. I don't feel alive without it. I deserve it. I'm not stable. I can't deal with reality. I can't –"

She placed her finger on his lips. "You dummy," she said with a forced, watery smile. "I'm not asking for your wrong opinions."

He had not expected her to believe him, but that didn't mean that he understood what she was really asking.

She bit her lip and asked, "Why didn't you tell me that you were hurting yourself?"

'Oh.'

That was the easiest answer. "I didn't want to hurt you."

She shook her head vehemently. "We're a team, Subaru," she reminded him. "We suffer together, not alone."

She deserved better. She didn't deserve to suffer. She shouldn't be with a mess like him.

"Stop it," she scolded, recognizing the look on his face. "You're not allowed to push me away, remember? It didn't work when we just started dating, and it won't work when we're about to get married."

She threaded her hand through his hair, and he stiffened for a moment before relaxing; she made sure to be extra gentle after that. She didn't understand his reaction, but she also knew that he wasn't stable at the moment.

Then again, it seemed that he hadn't been stable to begin with.

"How can I help you?" she asked softly. "How can I make the pain go away?"

He closed his eyes, but the Great Rabbit was fresh in his mind. They were burned into his eyelids for the rest of his life.

Emilia, dead in his arms. Beatrice declaring her hatred of him. Using Meili as a human shield. Shaula smiling as he stabbed her.

The Great Fire… He had burnt Lugunica to the ground.

"You can't," he confessed. "There's too much."

She nodded slowly as if she had expected that. "Then... at least tell me when you're feeling this way. Let me help you through it."

"How?" he asked, upset. "What, are you going to tell me to take deep breaths and count to ten?"

She managed a wry grin. "I was going to suggest kissing you until you forgot you were sad, but deep breathing works, too."

"Wait, no!" he said quickly. "The kissing one sounds much better!"

She didn't laugh, not really, but she exhaled in a way that implied that she found something humorous. He considered that to be a win.

They sat in silence for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. Eventually, she said, "You can't ever hurt yourself again."

He sighed and grumbled, "Yeah, yeah, I know."

She frowned at his dismissive tone. "Subaru, you…" She paused as if unsure she wanted to reveal something. "When you hurt yourself, you hurt me, too."

He knew that. Beatrice had said the same thing.

Then, Emilia pulled back the sleeve on her left arm, and his mind shut down.

Lines of fresh scars ran down her arm… perfectly matching his own. There were multiple hastily-closed wounds and holes from when he had torn off his skin from the inside.

He had hurt Emilia.

That was his fault. He did that, and he hated himself more than ever.

"When you hurt yourself, you hurt me, too," she echoed, unnecessarily. "That's what woke me up, actually."

"But… how?" he asked in bewilderment.

Then, it hit him.

He looked deep within his soul and entered the Shadow Garden. He walked past a young, innocent Capella and a kind, generous Regulus. He strode past Satella, who was smiling and laughing at a joke. Finally, he reached Geuse.

The man was crying, for in front of him was Sirius Romanée-Conti, apologizing furiously while proclaiming her love. Fortuna was nowhere to be found.

Subaru had taken in the Witch Factor of Wrath, but he had not overcome the Sin. He may have made great progress on his anger issues, but self-hatred was a form of wrath. So long as he held no love for himself, his Authority would hurt those whom he cherished most.

Mindless, pointless, unnecessary pain. What was that, if not Wrath?

He opened his eyes in the real world. In a flat, dead voice, he echoed, "When I hurt myself, you get hurt, too."

She nodded. Her red-rimmed eyes stared down at him with compassion and pity. It was clear that she had taken a long time to process what had happened, but it hadn't dulled the pain. Her mind was still a whirlwind of emotion, only held together by his weight in her lap.

"I'm sorry," he choked out. "Shit, Emilia, I'm –"

"You're okay," she interjected softly. "That's all that matters to me."

That just made him feel worse. She lost her mother for the second time and he scarred her, yet here she was, comforting him.

He knew how horrible she felt. He knew that she was drowning in misery, but she was hiding it all for him.

'Pandora calls this a payoff?' he thought ruefully. 'All she did was make everything worse.'

He hated that Witch almost as much as he hated himself.

"Who else was affected?" he asked at length, though he already knew the answer.

"Aside from me, it was Beatrice and Meili," Emilia answered softly.

He had scarred those who were number one in his heart.

"Beatrice told me a bit about… your scratching," she continued, her voice barely above a whisper. "As for Meili… the poor thing isn't handling it well. She woke up to the cuts and started begging for 'Mama' to stop."

She eyed him warily, hoping for an answer, but it was not his story to tell. "I want to give those children good lives," she confessed, "but they need you for that, my love. They… no, we don't know what we'd do without you."

"You won't ever have to find out," he said stubbornly. He would not die until the end of a long, fulfilled life.

"Good," she whispered. She struggled with her words but eventually said, "Stay alive, Subaru. If you ever died, I don't…"

She had held herself together up until that point, but the mere thought of losing her beloved drove her to tears.

"You almost died again," she said. "It feels more harrowing every time."

"You never get used to it," he concurred as his eyes lost their focus. "The blades get sharper, the torture even longer, the injuries more severe, the falls even higher…"

His words alone caused her to shake in grief, so he stopped himself before he said anything too specific.

"H-hey, I'm right here, yeah?" It sounded weak, even to himself, but the reminder seemed to help somewhat.

"Y-you are now, but…" With sorrow, she looked at the wall opposite her. Subaru followed her eyes and jolted at how much blood there was. "...I-I didn't take any of those injuries, so what happened?"

His mouth dried up at the memories. "Pandora," he said quietly. Emilia's grip on him tightened and he winced, causing her to instantly release him. He barreled onwards before she could apologize. "She kidnapped me and showed me these… visions."

He would never forget them, for he was a monster and did not deserve ignorance.

He was an utterly disgusting menace who empathized with the devil.

He was a coward and didn't want to burden Emilia further.

Unfortunately for him, she would have none of that. She knew that there was something wrong, and she wouldn't let him brush it off. "What did you see?"

He wouldn't tell her. If she knew he had died, even if it was in a vision, she might break.

But what could he say? That he saw alternate futures? Alternate presents? What about –

Her delicate fingers, threading their way through his hair like always, took on new life. It was a subtle yet noticeable change; it brought with it both familiarity and loss… but, above all, it was soothing.

It was exactly how Satella used to do it.

Taking advantage of the lull in his anxiety, Emilia murmured, "You've been through so much, haven't you?"

"So have you," he said weakly, but his mind threatened to succumb to the sensations on his scalp.

"Subaru." She said his name like a prayer. "Please, let me be there for you… like you are for me."

She was there for him. Through every timeline, she was a constant. She tethered him to the edge of sanity. He wanted to see her succeed, and he'd do anything to reach that goal. He would live for her, in the same way that she did for him.

Then, she leaned forward and whispered something familiar in his ear; they were not as flowery or loving as the words that preceded them, but the association brought such a profound sense of relief to him.

They were the words that had broken him down, just to build him back up again. They had caressed his fragile mind and caused him to fall in love with her.

She leaned forward, pressed a soft kiss to his temple, and whispered, "It's been rough, hasn't it?

In an instant, every death flashed before his mind's eye. He saw every alternate worldline and all of his horrific crimes.

Would that happen in this worldline, too? Would he cease to exist?

He didn't say any of that. He merely cried on Emilia's lap and muttered incoherently. Her deft fingers gently massaged his scalp, coaxing out the words that he had never been able to say.

He didn't want her to know about Return by Death, but it felt wonderful to cry in the arms of an angel.

She didn't know what he was mumbling about, but he was opening up to her, and that was important progress.

However, the moment his words became understandable, her sense of peace crashed down on her.

"Pandora… told me ridiculous things," he muttered, barely audible in his exhaustion. "She said she loved me, and that she'd do anything to make me hers, including changing reality. She would cause great suffering just to give us a payoff, claiming that I'd fall for her out of gratefulness."

Emilia's arms tightened around him, and she held him like a stuffed bear. He struggled to breathe somewhat, but he knew she needed comfort as much as he did.

Then, as the room grew colder, he revealed what Pandora had done to him.

She had overpowered him, violating his mouth with a kiss. She had shattered every bone in his body with a mere thought, bringing him to the verge of death. She had forced herself upon him, breaking his mind with her mere touch. He had never felt so used than when he was around Pandora.

If it weren't for his Witch Factors healing his mind, he might have stayed in that state forever.

Suddenly, he yelped in pain, for his arm was encased in icy flowers. He could feel the life draining from him as his breath turned to frost. His shoulder threatened to snap under the pressure of Emilia's grip. He called out her name, but she couldn't hear him over the blizzard of her own creation. If it were anywhere but the Forbidden Library, the room would have been destroyed. As it was, the only one affected by the snow was Subaru.

"I hate her!" she shouted as tears poured down her cheeks. He had never seen her look so furious. "Hate, hate, hate her!"

'I shouldn't have said anything,' he thought helplessly. Still laying in her lap, he tried to reach an arm up, but it was weighed down by icy flowers. He tried to stand, but she had wrapped her arms around him as if to shield him from further harm.

Completely oblivious, she cried, "She can't hurt my Subaru! I won't let her! She can't take you! You're mine, not hers! I-I'll protect you, I promise!"

Then, her tears increased in intensity as she began apologizing profusely. She had not protected him, or Geuse, or Fortuna, or Crusch, or anyone she cared about.

She couldn't protect her knight, and she begged for his forgiveness.

She didn't realize that she was freezing him solid.

If he was being honest, he only had a vague idea of how he was alive at all; normal humans could not survive at such low temperatures without the proper preparation. Still, he doubted he could last much longer without permanent damage.

He didn't know what to do. He was running out of time. He couldn't lift his arms up, nor could he stand. He couldn't do magic without Beatrice.

…But he would never give up. He reached out with a Guiding Hand and grasped the collar of her nightgown, yanked her down, and smashed her lips to his.

Emilia froze, but the snow stopped falling.

With titanic effort, he managed to keep his head from shaking. He moved the Hand to the back of her head, gently pushing her into him while he conjured another to stroke her hair. At length, she reciprocated his kiss, and his frozen limbs slowly began to thaw.

Little by little, she pulled back, a bit dazed. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I don't… I don't know what happened. I was just so angry, and –"

"It's okay," he soothed, hoping she wouldn't look away from his face for at least a few more minutes. "Your coping strategy sounded great, you know? Felt like I had to try it out."

She gave a wan smile, and he thought things might be okay. Then, she noticed the ice covering his body. Her eyes widened and self-hatred corrupted her visage. "Subaru, you're –"

"Don't worry about it," he said quickly. So long as she remained calm, the ice would melt. If she blamed herself, then she would –

"Goa."

A single word, filled with power, brought forth horrid memories to the forefront of his mind. This time, however, he was not burned. A gentle flame hovered over his body, thawing the ice that encased him.

Emilia was a fire mage, and she was finally using her power to express the flames of passion and fury that smoldered within her heart.

"I'm so sorry," she said emphatically. "I didn't mean… I'm sorry, Subaru, and I would never…"

"None of that," he said, aiming to pacify her; he couldn't bear for her to look at him with those sorrowful eyes any longer. "I'm okay, yeah?"

She could kill him, and he would still love her. Her getting mad on his behalf was nothing to get upset over.

She shook her head, saying, "But it's not okay. I hurt you when I should have been helping you heal."

He continued to console her, but it wasn't doing much. He was on the verge of hypothermia and was still recovering from Pandora's assault. Emilia had just killed her mother and hurt her lover in a fit of uncontrollable magic. Neither of them were okay in the slightest.

Although parts of his body were no longer encased in ice, Emilia decided that he wasn't thawing quick enough. Scooping him up bridal-style, she carried him to the door and ordered, "Take us to the baths. Now."

Taken aback by her abrupt mood swing, he activated Door Crossing – part of him preparing himself for another horrid vision – and brought them to the baths. It was the middle of the night, so no one else was there.

"Goa," Emilia murmured once more, creating another fireball, and shooting it into the center of the large, circular pool. It spread throughout the water, filling the magic stones with energy and bathing them in a warm, red-tinted glow. "There. That should be warm enough."

She gently lowered him into the tub – though, considering its size, it was more of a pool – and he immediately protested; his tracksuit wasn't meant for bathing, after all.

As the scalding-hot water contacted his frozen skin, he realized that he wasn't just sleeveless; he wore nothing but underwear, for he had sustained grievous wounds throughout his entire body and needed to be healed.

He began to panic. It was bad enough that she knew he self-harmed; there was no way she'd want to be with someone who was so damaged.

As his thoughts spiraled even further, it never once crossed his mind that she had looked upon his scars for hours and had never commented on them. He had never processed that she had better sight than him and had traced every scar the night before. Instead, all he felt was the all-encompassing anxiety of being revealed.

Oblivious to his thoughts and focusing solely on her task, Emilia kneeled on the floor tiles and started pouring hot water on his exposed skin, trying to warm his freezing bones.

"There we go," she comforted, soothing his aching muscles. Her voice warbled, as if she were holding in tears but was staying strong for him. "I'm… I'm so sorry, Subaru. What I did was unforgivable. I know that nothing I do will make it okay, so let me at least make you feel better, all right?"

He didn't respond. He was too busy lowering himself into the water, hiding as much as he could.

She frowned at his actions. "What are you doing?" she probed gently. "Are you having trouble sitting up?"

He shook his head as the water reached his chin. "I'm fine," he said flatly. "Please, just bring me some clothes and a towel."

She eyed him strangely before realization settled on her face. She gazed at him in pity and murmured, "The scars."

He said nothing.

"You should be proud of them," she said, causing him to scoff.

"Nothing to be proud of," he said bitterly. "It means I couldn't avoid a dangerous situation. It means I failed to protect someone. It means I fucked up. It means I'm a broken, mangled wreck."

"They mean that you're a survivor," she said gently. "You've overcome so much, my love."

She lightly placed her fingertips on his cheek and tilted his head so their eyes met. For a moment, it looked like she was debating with herself. After an excruciatingly long silence, she declared, "I love you, but sometimes, you're a pain."

His eyes widened. She had never said something like that before. He had no idea how to respond.

Steeling herself, she said, "I know this is unfair to say, especially because you just got hurt by myself and Pandora…" She cut off his inevitable protest. "…but you make things hard for me."

Tears pricked at his eyes as his fists clenched. "Don't you think I know that?" he snapped. "I throw you into danger nonstop!"

She shook her head. "I'm not talking about that, you dummy," she explained patiently. "We face danger as a team. I'd never fault you for that."

His anger dissipated into confusion. "Then, what –"

She placed a finger over his lips. "Let me talk," she instructed gently. "I'm saying that you only listen to yourself."

His body had long since returned to a healthy temperature, but nonetheless, she resumed rubbing his shoulders. "Every day, I tell you that you're amazing. I make sure you know that you're kind, brave, handsome, strong, intelligent, determined, and reliable. I tell you about how I feel from the bottom of my heart, but you treat my words as meaningless. You ignore them, brush them off, and compliment me instead."

As she reached a particularly tense muscle, she said, "It's annoying, my love. I know accepting compliments isn't easy – I'm reeaally bad at that – but you take it to another level. Beatrice and I constantly tell you that we love you, and you still don't understand why, even when we clearly state the reasons."

He averted his eyes; he couldn't bear to look at the raw emotion on her face. "Let's say you're right, and there's something actually worth loving about me. There's still no way there's anything good about… you know…"

As he gestured to his torso, Emilia sighed and shifted herself so she was sitting at the edge of the pool. Her legs lazily dangled into the water as she asked, "Do you think I'm a bad person?"

He reeled back. "When have I ever given you that impression? Of course, I don't!"

She appeared satisfied by his answer. "Do you think I'm weak? Pathetic? Worthless?"

No, no, and no. She had killed the White Whale and was the only one that had resisted Sirius's Authority. She had held off the Witch of Envy with her sheer mental fortitude. She was one of the strongest people he had ever met.

She cupped her hands to her chest, hiding the dangling crystal that had been inactive when she had needed it most. "I would have continued believing such things had you not come into my life. You showed me light and hope. You revealed to me my potential and my worth. I believe that I'm worth loving because you proved that it's true."

Having anticipated those answers, she grabbed his arm and lifted it out of the water, holding his hand the moment she could reach it. He winced as his scratches came into view, but she ignored it. Not caring about how it would soak her dress, she placed his hand on her side, saying, "We match."

The loothouse. Elsa.

He felt a knife slashing at his bowels and the intense fear that accompanied her presence. He had experienced death by her blade countless times, and that number had been doubled today.

And yet… Elsa had inadvertently created a connection between Subaru and Emilia in the form of their matching scars.

"I suppose we do," he said, echoing Emilia's words from what felt like forever ago. "We saved each other, didn't we?"

"We did," she confirmed. "Have you ever considered my scar to be something shameful? What about Satella's scars?

He hadn't, and she knew that.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Subaru," she said with the same gentle tone as before. "You're strong. You're a fighter. I want you to listen to me, to believe that. I want you to truly hear me when I say that you're incredible."

She relinquished her hold on his arm and left him to his thoughts for a moment. He leaned back and closed his eyes, wondering if there was any truth to her statement. She wouldn't call him a pain for no reason, right? Normally, she would…

'Wait, is that a rustling I hear? Is she… No, she couldn't be…'

Tentatively, he opened his eyes to find two gleaming amethysts mere inches in front of his face. He was pretty sure that her thin, silk underclothes weren't meant to be used as a swimsuit, but she didn't seem to care at all.

Part of him wanted to call her out for running away from her problems and choosing instead to focus on his. The rest of him was sprinting right alongside her.

He plastered a grin on his face. "You know, if you were trying to set the mood, you did a pretty poor job of it."

She gave a sly smile and said, "Don't get the wrong idea. It's just reeaally cold out there."

He scoffed playfully. "Yeah, right, Miss 'I can do fire magic.' I see through your tricks!"

She rolled her eyes and pecked his lips but didn't try to advance the situation. The memories, the alien information coursing through them exacerbated their pain and grief.

Even so, as they held each other tight and sunk lower into the water, they finally felt safe.

She reached out and tenderly touched a scar on his left shoulder. "Where did this one come from?" she asked softly.

He took a deep breath. He had come this far, hadn't he?

"Capella tossed me through a window." He could tell that Emilia was putting in a lot of effort into not tightening her grip on him. "Lots of glass shards, you know?"

She paused for a moment. "Thank you for telling me," she said calmly; she wanted to discuss this like it was any other bad memory, and not something to be ashamed of. She traced a thick one on his upper arm. "Is this…"

"Regulus," he answered flatly. She didn't seem to know whether to be angry at the late Archbishop or feel relieved that it wasn't self-harm. "He used Stillness of an Object's Time. Nearly cut it off."

She placed a light kiss on his forehead; a silent gesture showing that she knew how hard this was for him and appreciated him all the more for it.

Her hand moved to his bicep and the small burn that laid there. To her utter astonishment, he let loose a faint smile.

"I was six or so," he reminisced. "It was Mother's Day, and I wanted to make her favorite soup. 'Course, I was too short to reach the stove, but I also had zero common sense, so I didn't think to get a stool or something. I thought, 'If I stretch really hard, I'll grow taller, and I can reach it!' Nope. Managed to turn the damn thing on, but the pot tipped over, covering my arm in boiling water."

Emilia winced. She didn't understand everything he was saying, but she understood that hot water could burn. She circled the mark, not wanting to put any direct pressure on it. "Then what happened?"

His smile widened, sending the butterflies in her stomach into a frenzy. "My mom heard me cry out, and she was worried as hell."

She felt a pang in her heart, though his smile eased the pain ever-so-slightly. "A good mother, then."

"The best," he agreed whole-heartedly. "I got my intelligence from her, you know. She decided to treat my burn by smushing mochi ice cream all over it. Er, well, cold food."

Emilia giggled. "She sounds like a funny lady."

"That's one way to say it," he muttered, but his voice was filled with nothing but fondness. "My dad ended up coming downstairs, sighing, and gave me an ice pack. He then whined that we finished his favorite flavor of ice cream and took us all out for some more. Honestly, I may have been hurt, but it's still one of my favorite memories of them."

The entire time he spoke, she didn't take her eyes off him. He often talked about his past life as the Sage, but he almost seemed to pretend that his current one didn't exist. She knew almost nothing about her knight, and it saddened her.

She knew that she should be satisfied with what she had just been given, but she feared that she'd never get a chance like this again. "What were their names?" she probed gently.

He leaned back against the wall of the pool. "My father's name is Kenichi," he answered with a fond smile. "I always looked up to him. Imagine me, but a hundred thousand times cooler."

"That's not possible," she chided, but, inwardly, she was proud of him for talking about it. "I've never met a cooler person than you."

He scoffed and reminded her that she'd met Julius and Reinhard. She still thought he was better.

Neither mentioned Crusch or Wilhelm. Subaru did not ask about Fortuna, and Emilia offered no information.

"What about your mother?" she asked, lest they spiral again.

He paused for a moment. "Her name is Naoko," he murmured. "She's… the woman I admire the most in the world. Got my eyes from her, you know."

Her smile widened. They both knew how she felt about eyes like his.

She tucked her head under his chin and brought her knees to her chest, settling herself firmly on his lap. As the warm water lapped around them and his arm locked her in place, she marveled at how she felt so safe in his arms.

"Do you miss them?" she asked, already knowing the answer. She just needed him to say it.

He buried his lips in her hair, giving it a soft kiss before saying, "More than anything. I thought I missed them before, but now…"

He thought he could learn to forgive himself for not appreciating them. Then, he learned how horrid life was without them.

"It's okay to miss them," Emilia soothed, gently tapping the scar that had sparked this discussion. "After all, I... I-I mean, they sound reeaally nice."

"They were," he said with a sigh. "I just… I always lived in their shadows, you know? I wanted them to be proud of me."

She hummed and held his hand but didn't move from her spot.

"But I've killed so many," he mourned. "I've condemned my loved ones to horrible fates. Just today, I killed Crusch, Wilhelm, Felix, and their entire Camp. What the hell kind of parent would be proud of me?"

She traced a wide scar on his upper abdomen, half of which was hidden by the water. "That was mo- Sirius," she murmured, trailing off at the name and hastily wiping her eyes. "B-but about your parents… Subaru, they would be sooo proud of you. You always manage to understand the reasons behind people's actions, and I'm sure you learned that from your mother and father."

He chuckled ruefully. "Your faith in me is blind," he said gruffly. "You say I'm difficult? Please, you're a stubborn pain in the ass, Emilia-tan."

She snuggled closer to him and smiled at his words. She'd heard similar things before, and it made her happy to know that he believed in her.

She had always been kept stagnant by Puck – she forced down the anger ignited by that name – who, despite her glaring faults, believed that she was fine just the way she was. Subaru, on the other hand, believed in her potential, misguided as he was. He opened doors for her and let her grow as a person. She vowed to do the same for him.

"Your parents would be proud," she reiterated, "though they might think they're too young to be grandparents."

He jolted, almost throwing her off his lap, so she hurriedly clarified, "I-I meant Beatrice! I'm not pregnant! I mean, probably not? Definitely not! Uh-huh! Not for a few years!"

He cut her off with a laugh. "I'm not sure whether to be relieved or disappointed."

"Maybe both?" she suggested, her face red from her rapid-fire speech.

"Both," he agreed before a silly grin spread on his face. "Beako called me 'daddy.'"

Emilia matched his expression, falling in love with their little family all over again.

She relaxed, placing her head on his heart and listening to the life flowing through him. Her fingers tentatively reached out, dancing on his arm as she asked, "What's this scar from?"

She hoped that it would be another story from his homeland.

It wasn't.

"Bad night," he muttered. "Couldn't sleep. Didn't know how to cope with the memories. I needed to feel alive, you know?"

She didn't know. She didn't want to know. She just wanted to help him.

They continued for some time, going over all the scars she could find, whether they be from injury or self-harm. Revealing them never got easier, but they comforted each other after every detail, and he felt a bit better about them.

Then, she arrived at the last one; she had avoided it up until that point. Warily, she lifted her head off his chest and laid a hand upon his heart, causing him to gulp. He had never told her this specific detail.

He didn't want to say it. He didn't deserve to be comforted. He didn't deserve catharsis. He didn't want to drive her into a rage again. He didn't want to burden her further. He didn't want to cause her more grief than she was already experiencing. He didn't want her to hate herself even more than she would after her battle with Sirius.

…But they were always there for each other. They suffered together, for they were useless on their own.

He exhaled deeply and stated, "Capella stabbed me in the heart."

At his words, Emilia gave a light gasp. Tears that she didn't think she had left fell from her eyes. "H-how are you –"

"Beatrice saved me," he said plainly. "Capella's dagger had just punctured my heart, but Beako knocked her off and healed me."

He would have said more, but Emilia cut him off with a searing, desperate kiss. She threw her arms around the back of his neck as her legs wrapped around his waist, as if pulling him closer would keep him safe.

"I'm so glad you're alive," she was saying.

Honestly, he was, too.

She may have kept him in a vice grip, but he felt comfortable, secure. He knew that the moment he tried to pull away, she'd let him. She treated him like glass, as if afraid that he'd shatter under her touch. She wanted to take away his guilt with her love.

It was odd how similarly they treated each other.

A nasty voice in the back of his mind pointed out that this was probably the "payoff" that Pandora had talked about. By enjoying this moment, she was getting what she wanted.

He didn't deserve a moment like this when he had led his allies to their demise. He didn't deserve to feel this warm unless it was in the fire that had burnt Lugunica to the ground. He didn't deserve to remember this moment, for he had left Emilia broken in the Trial.

The rest of him shoved that voice into the corner where it belonged; he and Emilia had earned this after their horrendous day.

They needed this, lest they be driven mad by the shock, grief, and guilt.

He was kissing a beautiful woman whom he loved unconditionally. If this was what Pandora had orchestrated, so be it. He'd just have to prove that he could have moments like these in the future without having suffering precede them.

It also happened to be Emilia's suggested coping strategy, but that was neither here nor there.

She pulled back reluctantly; her face was painted a brilliant red from the lack of oxygen. Her hair was drenched and curled around her shoulder as it lay heavily on her skin. Her mouth tried to form a smile, but she was too busy panting from exertion. He had no room to judge, for he could breathe even less.

She looked down and circled the scar around his heart as if unsure whether to curse its existence or thank it for the situation it had brought about. Eventually, she settled on saying, "You're such a pain, my betrothed; always making me worry for your safety."

He chuckled at her language. "I never thought I'd hear the word 'betrothed' spoken aloud. Seriously, it wasn't even used four hundred years ago!"

She gazed at him with a playful smile. "My betrothed," she echoed. "My beloved knight. My one and only. My fiancé. My soulmate. My king. My husband. My love. My Subaru."

He was sure that he resembled a tomato, but he managed to tease her, saying, "If I didn't know better, I'd say you're being a bit possessive."

"Because I am," she said huskily. "Countless suitors will clamor for the King's hand. I need to claim you before anyone tries to whisk you away."

He smirked at her. Without warning, he grabbed her by the waist and spun them around, pinning her to the wall of the pool. She gave a surprised yelp at the sudden movement but fell silent upon seeing the intensity in his eyes.

For what felt like forever, she had fueled their heated encounters. Now, as she watched the fire dance in his eyes, she realized that he was finally reaching out to take what belonged to him.

She had instilled this confidence in him, and it was driving her wild.

"You've got it all mixed up," he whispered in her ear, reveling in how his simple actions had turned her to mush. "I'm the one who needs to worry, so I'm staking my claim, right here, right now."

Soon enough, she found herself giggling at how earnestly he spoke, and her smile widened to impossible proportions. She laid a hand on the back of his neck and asked, "How will you do that, I wonder?"

He didn't bother responding, for she had already closed her eyes in anticipation. He took her lips once more and pulled her body flush to his as they let their surroundings fade to nothingness.

A half-hour later, Emilia pulled back, blushing like crazy. "So, um, I have a reeaally weird question."

He gulped. That was never fun to hear; he much preferred their previous activity. Nonetheless, he forced out, "Sure, ask away."

Gathering her thoughts, she asked, "The way you take me… When we free my other half, you won't neglect her, right?"

His mind reeled at the question. He knew that Emilia and Satella were okay with each other, and he had already resolved not to choose between them, and he would save both of them, but that was a really weird question and there was no right answer and –

'Wait.'

The way she had worded that, and the smile on her face…

"Uh, Emilia-tan?" he asked hesitantly. "Was that… a request?"

She beamed at him and giggled. "What else would it be? Honestly, you're so silly, Subaru."

He was at a loss for words, but he managed to mumble something along the lines of, "Um."

She gave him a look, as if he were the strange one, and explained, "Something tells me that she's watching over us and feeling left out. She deserves a turn, too, you know?"

He gaped at her for a moment before grumbling, "My life is ridiculous… Yes, if she so wanted it, and you were okay with it, then I would. I'll help her heal the same way you helped me."

"Thank you," she said, as if this was somehow more beneficial to her than to him. She gave him another quick kiss before teasing, "But no one else! I'm not about to share my Subaru with someone who's not my other half!"

He laughed, saying, "Please, I'm not some harem master. I'm fine with my silver-haired half-elves."

She leaned her forehead against his and stated, "Good. It wouldn't do to make your wife jealous."

He didn't know if she was referring to Satella or herself in the future. He started to wonder if it mattered in this context.

All he knew was that, as they lost themselves in each other yet again, he felt lighter than ever before.