Severus calmed you as best he could, being careful not to touch you, he managed to get you to sit in Albus's office chair. Once you were relatively safe from falling or any other fits of confusion, he watched as you rested your arms on the desk and your head on your arms. Even though you had been frantic just minutes ago, you were now silent.
His fists tightened, trying to formulate a quick plan. Taking his wand from his robe, he reluctantly turned from you to the Pensieve. The marked bottles lay strewn on the floor around the stone structure, void of the memories they once held. Severus knew why you had done it, why you had been so compelled but knowing the weight of the memories Albus had left you with, mixed with his own experience of abuse, worried him; he had wanted to protect you from whatever other agony Albus relieved you of for as long as possible and in his mind, it hadn't been long enough. But he knew It was inevitable and it was your choice and as angry as he might be that you sneaked out in the middle of the night to do so, he would rein in that anger, keep it at bay the best he could.
Wordlessly he raised the bottles from the floor and they took up their old places in the cabinet. Severus noted that you'd missed out over half a dozen vials, the memories still present inside of them. The cupboard closed itself once it was neatly arranged.
You stared at the bookshelf across the room from your slumped position, the words seemed meaningless, incomprehensible. The rushes of waves through your mind were overriding any outward distractions, bar Severus, you were more than aware of his presence in the room and you were still reeling from attacking him. Raising your head, you caught the Pensieve closing, enshrining your memories behind the ornate wood.
Severus turned and locked eyes with you, he was surprised you were watching. He did not look angry, for which you were greatly relieved.
"Did I hurt you?" You asked quietly, wracked with guilt, your eyes falling from his. Albus's office didn't feel warm to you anymore, in any sense of the meaning. You wriggled your slipper-covered toes under the desk, to bring them back to life, apprehensive of his answer.
"Only my pride," Severus replied trying not to look too serious as you sheepishly looked back at him, he knew you responded better to humour than most other things, "remind me never to duel you."
Though you tried to laugh, the jolt to your body quickly had you creating fresh tears. Severus was at your side as fast as he could be; his back didn't matter now, that would be easily solved once he returned to his quarters and could access his potion stock.
"Let's get you back to your quarters, you'll feel better there. The Pensieve can be a jarring experience." He relayed from experience and was mindful not to touch you again, though he desperately wanted to take you in his arms; the past 3 months had been a cycle of cruelty on your mind and body and he felt a compulsion to fix them all. There was also the selfish part of Severus that wanted to know if your bond had been re-sparked. "Albus is a ridiculously early riser, let's not have that showdown now."
Finally, you looked at him, and his eyes matched the sorrow of your own. What he had seen through your touch had been brief but it was enough to know that it was horrifying and he could more than relate to every feeling of anguish inside of you. He even found himself not being shocked at the hue of your eyes and the stark streak that ran down your hair. You'd never love it, he knew that, but he could. He would if it stayed that way.
Swiping the tears from your eyes, you nodded your head, you were ready to get far away from Albus's office now. "Okay. Thank you for coming for me...again."
"No thanks necessary," was all he replied and he genuinely meant it, too.
Severus rose from his crouched position next to you and winced slightly at the pain in his lower back, though he did his best to hide that from you. Neither of you chanced another glance at the Pensieve as you walked past it and out of the large door to the staircase.
The castle was still. Sunrise peaked through wherever it could. It was a new day. A warm spring to awaken your winter heart.
Needing the privacy of your room, you stayed silent on your walk to the dungeons. Severus remained a few paces behind you, giving you space, watching you carefully. You felt like you were floating, like your feet didn't quite connect with the ground below them. Deep breaths, you thought, deep breaths. You had to think logically before your emotions spiralled even further and you accidentally lashed out once more.
Did you regret looking into those old memories? No, it was opening up other memories you had repressed for years, not just horror, but happiness. You could see the games you used to play with your mother more clearly now, how she was strengthening those early signs of your powers. Never underestimate a muggle. Though you were sure there would have been some type of support from your Grandma, where she could, where Amos wouldn't find out. How they had weaved their lives to protect yours replaced the sadness in the pit of your stomach with awe. Good. Look for the positives.
Watching it so closely, so vividly had shaken your body to unimaginable painful heights but now you were back down from that hurting, the shock was leaving your body slowly. Amos was a disgusting wizard; an abuser, a murderer….a rapist. Aside from the last offense, you had always known that's who he was; it didn't matter more that he had done it to yourself over someone unknown, and you were sure there were many unknown victims. Pain is pain and he loved inflicting it. How could he have done that to any child? But you really didn't need to ask that; he didn't care who he hurt, you knew that first-hand. He'd hurt everyone you'd ever loved, both directly and indirectly, the only exception to that being Severus.
Thinking of him made the admiration you already had for Eleanor swell; she was strong, she fought him, she did all she could to shelter you from him but he was weakening her in those years. Her body was breaking, her psyche probably much the same. Remembering the words he said to you sent a sickening shiver through your body. "Break the body, the mind will soon follow." He had broken Eleanor's simultaneously. You screwed your eyes shut briefly, trying to stop the images of him but it was a struggle. Shaking your hands nervously at your sides, you rid yourself of some of the pent-up energy. Come on, keep moving forwards.
Your Grandma was the logical option, you thought, she was a powerful witch, she could keep you safe in a way your mother never could; with magic, and she had, for the most part. It was your Father's deceit and childish naivety that had lead to that last memories' confrontation between you and Amos. In that final encounter as an adolescent, you watched yourself push your young, burgeoning power to its limit but even you couldn't deny the strength behind it. Every encounter you used to remember with your father made you feel weak, but you had almost ended his life, you saw it, felt it and you had tried your hardest to protect your mother, even before you knew it. At that moment, even though you carried his most defining visual characteristics, you were assured that you possessed nothing else of him. That assurance physically calmed you.
These women had been strong for you. Now it was your turn to embrace the strength they had nurtured. Months...no, not just months, years of self-doubt, fuelled deeply by Amos and the fear of him, of being like him, had kept you restrained. What you have to do is relearn how to use it all, you told yourself; control it, strengthen it. Maybe one day you could find Eleanor.
Pushing back your shoulders and raising your head as you neared your room, you felt a semblance of clarity. Something you had been dearly missing in your life for as long as you could remember. It was the right thing to do. It was.
Severus debated talking but bit his tongue, he watched your slow, anxious strides become stronger, quicker ones, and the lull in your shoulders widen, your back lengthening. He'd not seen your stance so confident since before Christmas.
When he entered your room behind you, you shut the door wordlessly before he could and turned on him.
"I have one question before we go any further with anything." You said seriously.
Severus froze, he wasn't sure why except that the tone of your voice suddenly made him wary all over again.
"Okay," he replied, as composed as he could, interlocking his fingers in front of himself.
"My father, Amos Aaronson, was a Deatheater. I'm going to ask you one last time, did you know that?" The quiver in your voice was evident, you were still not sure how he was a Deatheater, how you never found out and you were even more amazed that he hadn't bragged about it because it seemed to you like it was Amos' main goal in life.
Severus frowned, he had not known that and he found himself suddenly hurt by your doubts. "No, I did not know your father was a Deatheater, y/n. I thought you believed me the first time."
"It just seems awfully convenient that you didn't know. If Lucius knows who I am, then I'm sure he knows who my father is. The Ministry has scrubbed my records clean apparently, there would be no paperwork linking me to my last name and certainly not to him. So he found out some other way."
"We were criminals, y/n, there wasn't a directory to look us up. It would not have been unlike the...Dark Lord…"
"Don't call him that," you interrupted, "Lord is something to be revered, he was not and will never be."
Severus sighed, he couldn't deny you were right, but it wasn't that simple, it was ingrained into him. "Voldemort, even knowing his followers were loyal, was still paranoid beyond belief. Though I did not know it for sure, it is of no surprise we did not all know of each other. The thought of him may be revolting to you, but he was a great wizard; smart, tactical, revealing his hand completely was not in his methods. War is as much about deceit as it is intelligence and he would have deceived us all for his own gains. I have no doubt about that."
Severus only relaxed slightly as he watched your facial expression soften, he was many things, but he did not appreciate being accused of things he had no hand in. He had enough offenses to his name. This clarified something within Severus though. Sectumsempra; that's how your father knew the curse. Lucius himself had probably fed it to him. He clenched his jaw and quickly shut down that line of thought, pushing it far, far away in fear he would reveal it.
"There were and still are a number of Deatheaters who have lost immense faith in me for being here," Severus admitted, somewhat sadly. "Even Lucius. We are all as mistrusting as each other." He paused briefly and his shoulders softened, "The trust you place in me, is the kindest and truest I have ever known."
The sentiment made your heart clench, sometimes you forgot how vulnerable he truly was. How little good and healthy human interaction he had come across in his 33 years.
"Severus," you whispered, not in regret but out of a general sadness that you had questioned him again, "I'm sorry, I just had to know. I didn't know he was but...I saw his Dark mark in one of my memories."
"I understand but know I am on your side. No matter where my feigned allegiances appear to be, they are truly with you. Infallibly." It sounded like a vow but you knew the danger those words held. He had a heart of service but it was so full and confounded already that you did not want to make it more difficult.
"You shouldn't say such things," you uttered as you shook your head softly. The motion quickly reminded you of the headache the Pensieve had left you with and you breathed in deeply to combat the slight pulsing that ran through the right side of your head.
"Why not? If they're true, I will say it…but maybe this conversation is for another time," he reasoned, seeing how tired and pale you looked. "I'm sorry. May I ask, how you feel? Forgive me for saying this, but after how and where I found you, I thought you'd be far more upset."
"It was terrifying," you said, careful to keep your voice as even as possible, "and I feel nowhere near to being good and I ache for the torment we...mainly my mother was put through but it's sort of given me some visibility in what was a very clouded, jumbled mess of childhood memories. It explains so much...the dreams, the fear...I'm going to need some time to piece bits together, to heal the new wounds but even if I didn't know for certain what lay in those vials, I had some inkling and warning from Albus."
Severus was somewhat eased, though still concerned. He didn't know what you had seen, he didn't know what you'd need and he was fairly sure he was completely out of his depth to aid you, but for Merlin's sake if he buggered this up as well, he was likely to do something stupid.
"Do...do you think I am out of control, Severus? Tonight is the second time I've hurt you and I've been hurting myself..." You asked, looking down at your right hand, remembering the shards of mirror protruding from your skin. Comprehending your next actions, you wondered whether the ruminations of your mind were reckless. He hated the reckless side of you.
"I do not. Some of your actions were rash, but I have already told you so and for the most part, they were justifiable. I know how I have acted in the past but I'm not going to act in a temper this time, I promise." He answered softly, searching your eyes for the intent behind the question, hoping his answer was satisfactory and comforting.
"Do you trust me?" You asked further, stepping closer to him, he did not step back. What he saw back in Albus's office was vile but he would endure your pain for the pleasure of being close to you.
"I trust you, y/n," His voice was low and his jaw tight as it often was, but his declaration was unwavering.
Stopping inches from him, you peered deeply into his dark eyes. Eyes that so many feared, but you saw no malice in them, only acceptance and love. Although the eyes that stared back at him were not the ones he had become so drawn to when you joined the school, when he would become entangled in a brief, needful glance, Severus lost himself in them.
"I know what you saw in Albus's office but I have so much more to show you. Not just from the Pensieve, things are opening up even as we speak. My head is quite overwhelmed at the moment and I know I have already kept you awake for most of the night; I apologise for that and I'm so sorry if I've scared you and hurt you. We'll be due at breakfast in a few hours, so I will let you sleep but once we're less tired, less panicked, will you let me show you? I can try to control the worst scenes."
"You can show me everything, I want to know it all." If he knew everything he had a fighting chance at helping, he thought, because as calm as you seemed to be in that moment, he knew it wouldn't just go away.
"I love you, Severus. I don't for a second think everything is fixed but something feels different in me...I am so grateful you continue to endure my craziness. I have never allowed myself to rely on a person as I have with you, it's left me feeling quite vulnerable if I'm honest."
"Crazy is completely the wrong word," he admonished, "and, I love you, y/n. Where you see vulnerability, I see your strength."
His hand clenched at his sides, turning his knuckles white; he so badly wanted to touch you, kiss you, remind you he was wholly yours.
"Soon, I promise," you answered to his unspoken plea, he raised his eyebrows but you just smiled wryly at him and shrugged your shoulders.
"If you are already seeing my mind why can't I touch you?" He asked, edging forwards.
You laughed, "I can't, you're just very predictable, dear."
Severus' heart fluttered at your usual term of endearment and he growled lowly but It soon turned into a smirk at your cheekiness. He briefly watched you shuffle tiredly towards your bedroom before following; he had less than 2 hours to sleep but it was worth it and thank Merlin you were okay. Or as okay as he could hope for, he thought.
Severus eventually lay on the bed that he had widened on your request. It was now big enough that you could sleep comfortably together but still apart.
"I do not like this," he protested as his eyes closed of their own volition. He very much liked falling to sleep peacefully with his chest pressed into your back and his head nuzzled into your neck, not on his aching back, slightly cold and deprived of your comfort. You watched him sleep for a brief moment before being pulled down by your own weariness.
When you awoke, it was already midday, Severus had roused you, regrettably with the news that Albus was waiting in your living area for a "chat." Severus hoped it would be brief, he only had an hour before needing to be back in the classroom and he didn't feel comfortable leaving you alone with Albus.
"Thank you for dealing with Lockhart," you said as you wiped the sleep from your eyes and threw on the clothes that levitated from your wardrobe and onto your bed.
"Trust me, darling, it was my pleasure," he replied wickedly and you couldn't help snorting at his devilish side.
Severus hovered a hand over your head and smoothed out your sleep tousled hair, then sighed loudly as he nearly stroked his hand along your cheek. It had always been difficult to keep your hands off of each other but now it seemed impossible. He grunted and pulled himself away from you, opening the bedroom door for you to leave first, though he was right behind you. Just as he had promised.
"Good mo...afternoon, Albus. Can I get you anything? Tea, water?" You asked as he looked up from the book he was reading. Your book, to be precise.
Albus eyed you carefully, "No thank you. You seem…"
"Awfully chipper considering I ravished through the memories you left for me, last night? Well yes, I do feel...surprisingly okay." Okay was the best word for it. You could survive having seen it but it had set an even harder, disgusting hatred for Amos inside of you. Something you had never thought was possible.
"I told you so," Severus said smugly behind you as you sat down on the sofa opposite Albus, he joined you, your legs dangerously close. An immense pride ran through Severus, at your strength, your resilience to push on. He did not know what memories had been revealed to you in the Pensieve yet, but he had seen witches and wizards break down over much smaller violations, he was sure of it.
"It's not that I am not relieved," Albus said, "though I do wonder if the magnitude of them has not hit you yet?"
"It has, they all did. In fact, I'm sure you will have already realised that I could not withstand them all but I think I've seen what I needed to." You had no reason to tell him that other memories had surfaced since, that was your business, and Albus didn't need to know all of your business. Now you understood what he had meant though, he hadn't been able to find much of your mother in your memories and he certainly hadn't been able to remove as much as he should have.
"I hope you can see why your Grandmother thought it best to remove them now. I'm sorry it all had to be done like this. It was a fine line of what to keep and what not to. Have you realised how strong you are now?" He questioned, far too eagerly. Severus didn't quite understand what he was referring to yet but he didn't like the way Albus had posed that question. Call it spy intuition. Or maybe Severus was being generally overprotective of you. Either way, it got his back up.
You nodded your head in understanding, "I needed to remember enough to know why I should fear him and why my mother left but not enough to permanently damage my growing mind, I understand. Though I am curious...the memories ended when I was with Amos. I thought you said you removed 2 memories of me locating my mother."
"That's correct," he replied uncomfortably.
"Where are they?"
There was a pause, Severus crossed his leg over the other and tapped his finger impatiently on his knee, sensing he was not going to like the answer Albus was about to give to you.
"I destroyed those," Albus admitted quietly.
"And why would you do that?" Severus asked before you could, only he sounded far angrier than you had this whole time. He'd fucked up in the staff meeting, he wouldn't do it again, he promised himself.
Albus's eyes wandered over to Severus. "Y/n asked me to. Pleaded with me in fact and then I removed the locations from my own memory and destroyed those too, again, as you asked; so no one would ever find out."
Severus just hummed lowly in response. Albus was a drip feeder of information, not a blatant liar, he had come to find. He hoped this was the last of his secretiveness concerning you and your family history.
The Headmaster's eyes fixed back to you. "Are you feeling well enough to work? What will you do about your appearance? Not that it is offensive, of course."
You cleared your throat, you supposed he would have to ask the more formal, work-related questions at some point. He was still a headmaster of a school after all and you a teacher. "Whilst I do not feel like I cannot teach, I would imagine walking into a classroom looking like this will raise a few eyebrows and even more questions. The pupils asked and whispered about my scars enough, this would be too much, I think."
"I agree," Albus added.
"I know I have already taken time off but if you would give me until Monday. I will...I will have this sorted out."
"Y/n, 3 days isn.."
"It's enough," you stated firmly to Severus and both men looked sceptically at you, "Trust me, it's enough...and if it isn't...I will step down. I will no longer allow my personal life to interfere with the pupil's schooling and I am no longer comfortable with the amount of personal time I have required since joining the school."
She can't mean that! Severus inwardly panicked. He couldn't believe you had thought it let alone said it out loud. You would step down and leave? What would that mean for the two of you? Where would you go? You surely wouldn't stay with him if you left; Severus realised that the convenience of living practically on top of each other helped him keep you. Hogwarts was a time capsule. Out there you would have ample opportunity to meet far more interesting people with far less dangerous lifestyles and he was bound to the school for the better part of the year.
Severus didn't even hear Albus say he didn't think it was necessary to leave entirely and dispensations could still be made. Though you were still adamant, partly because you needed the pressure; you worked better under pressure. It was impossible to miss his fingers twitching as he became lost in his thoughts. As best you could, you tried to concentrate on Albus's words but Severus' panic was too loud. Slowly you placed your hand over his as you kept your gaze on Albus.
I'm not going anywhere.
Severus stopped twitching, in fact, he stopped completely. His breath caught in his chest and he found himself briefly closing his eyes at the intensity of your connected hands. Feeling much like Severus, you let go, no longer being able to process Albus's words but you looked at Severus and smiled shyly. You hadn't meant to invade his rambling thoughts, but he was hurting, and you could feel that radiating through the small space between you.
"I should leave the two of you some time to eat," Albus said as he stood, "we'll talk Monday then? If you need any assistance before then, please do let me know."
No assistance necessary you thought but smiled politely enough then saw him out of your quarters. Severus hadn't moved from the sofa.
"That felt amazing," Severus said staring at the fireplace, a smile broke out on your face. Joy and relief. Though he had mentioned on occasion missing the ability, the bond, you always worried the idea had been far more burdensome to him than it had to you.
"I'm glad you think so," you said as you rejoined him, "and I said I'd leave the job, not leave you. After everything, do you really think I could be parted so easily from you?"
The look of relief on his face said it all. For a moment, even though his thoughts were volatile and rushed, he really did believe he could lose you easily. Too easily. Severus wanted to thank you for your reassurance but the sentiment got stuck somewhere between his heart and his throat. So instead he spoke practically, "You controlled it."
"I did, although I think that was more luck than anything."
"So, what's your plan?" Severus asked nervously.
"I think the first port of call is some serious reflection. Reevaluating the new information. Being open with you because you're a part of this, too. I'm afraid you're stuck with me." You scrunched up your nose and smiled.
He let one breathy laugh through his nose and shook his head. "However will I cope?" He replied sardonically.
You spent the next day in the quiet of your room, completely ridding yourself of distractions, and it was needed. You sat with your thoughts and memories. Of your mother's games, your grandmother's wise words, your father's vitriol. There was so much that your young mind hadn't understood.
The emotions your meditations evoked were vastly different. Anger turned into glee, which turned into tears falling from your sensitive eyes; which still remained in the image of Esther. You'd taken a long time to look at yourself the night prior and the same again that morning once Severus had left for work, reasoning that you might have to accept the change. He, of course, had been wonderful about it as he faced you in bed before you both slept, telling you that you were exquisite to him no matter what. It had helped placate your anxious thoughts for a spell and you slept with relative ease. This had you suspicious. The Pensieve wasn't going to suddenly make everything better; clearer, yes but no less traumatic or painful, so why had your nightmares stopped? Maybe it was just a moment's reprieve you thought as you lay in bed that morning, whilst Severus snored lightly next to you; he'd inched closer in his sleep. You dreaded their return.
Severus didn't arrive back to your quarters until late into the evening but you had anticipated that; he'd had some business to attend to outside of Hogwarts after the school day. He did not elaborate too much and you did not question more than you needed to, you had to accept that sometimes life would have to be like that. It was by no means easy though.
He saw you crossed-legged on the floor, the fire's orangey hue bouncing off your face, the candles darted around only lit the room dimly. You stayed like that for long enough that Severus had time to remove his shoes, robes, and jacket. He undid a few of his shirt buttons at the time and rolled up his sleeves.
"Come join me, please, Severus?" You asked as you opened your eyes to see him sipping on some water. Taking a large gulp to finish the glass, he came to sit down opposite you. The fire now warming the left side of his body.
"How's your day been?" He asked, picking at the fabric of the rug to stop himself from reaching out.
"Good. I think. Enlightening in a way, but I'm still none the wiser on how to control the cloaking. It would be so much easier if I could just get some contact lenses and hair dye but I have a sneaky suspicion they wouldn't work either." You joked.
Severus tutted quietly.
"Enough of that. You're half a muggle, too." You stated as you rolled your eyes.
"Yes. The part of me I'd rather forget." His voice was sombre. If his father hadn't been such an abusive bastard, you guessed that Severus would have been far more at peace with his muggle blood but it was difficult for him to associate anything good with muggles. You understood that completely because you had, at times, felt the same way about your witch side.
"Are you tired? I...thought I could maybe share some stuff with you now? If you're feeling up to it, that is."
"Whatever you need, remember?" He reassured, "I'll open up and…"
"No. I want to do it...our way. I want to learn how to control it." You said with a small smile on your face, hoping he would agree to your proposal.
Our way. There was something about the way that sounded that filled Severus' chest with what he could only describe as satisfaction and elation. He liked that it was something that, bar your mother, only the two of shared together.
"Do you want me to do this?" You asked, your fingers flexed ready to touch him, your entire body was ready to touch him again. Part of you was worried if it was actually going to work, if this was all too well thought out, but it had to, you told yourself. You weren't prepared to lose it again.
"I do," his reply was a whisper as he shuffled closer, his knees now a breath from your own.
Lying your arms on the top of each knee, your palms faced upwards ready for him to take them. "When you're ready, Severus," you said as you smiled reassuringly at him.
There was no hesitation from him as he grasped both of your forearms, near the crease and your hands clamped down in a similar fashion, transporting him into your childhood memories. Severus could feel his walls still stable and impenetrable but he could see all that you were showing him. Stronger than he could have ever believed.
There she was, your mother, the first memory you had ever projected onto Severus. Only this time, he had more time to take her in. To see the many features that you shared, though poor Eleanor's body was thinner than your own and that reminded Severus far too much of his own mother. Their name's eerily similar, also. But Eleanor was attentive and affectionate despite her plight, and he could tell that she went without so that you wouldn't have to. That you were clean and dressed in clothes that were appropriate for you. That when Amos was out of sight and mind, you were a happy child and that was down to Eleanor, and the love she had for you. And Eleanor, she was a very smart woman, stuck in an awful circumstance but Severus watched as she encouraged your talents and strengthened them in probably the only way she could.
The memories of your father were harder, Severus struggled through them, watching him throw his magical weight around the muggle home you lived in. There was a slight reassurance in seeing him though because it fully confirmed that he really hadn't ever known him. His black hair, with the silvery, grey streak was always slicked back and though you had inherited his unusual eyes, they were nothing alike; Severus could see the evil behind his, the look of a Deatheater, where he only saw softness in small Esther's and now yours.
Not fully aware until he was doing it but he felt his hands clench harshly into your arms as he watched more of the abuse Amos inflicted upon your mother and then you. His head was beginning to hurt and outwardly, sweat had begun to drip from his forehead. Amos had used an unforgivable on you, a child and there you were still walking, still fighting back. He had you cornered until he fell to his knees. Severus' head began to pound, he could hear the blood rushing through his entire body but he could not let go or escape the memory.
"Esther, stop! Bi..iitch" Amos screamed and Severus could have joined him. He was losing sight of everything in front of him but the shaking body beneath his hands pulled him back. It was you who was shaking, violently and uncontrollably.
Severus' head was flooded with him now. With Amos. How he had ambushed you one night, ripped open your shirt to expose the pregnant belly that lay underneath it. He raged.
"You dirty little whore. Just like Eleanor. Opened your legs for a filthy muggle." He slapped you across the face and you bit back the yelp of pain, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.
Moments later, as you had escaped him, he attacked and you fought back. So hard, you fought so hard. Then in a cowardly move, he had managed to apparate behind you, taking your footing, so you fell to the ground. Your wand flew across the floor and you struggled in pain as you held your belly.
"Amos, stop!" You panted but he did not.
"Sectumsempra," he shouted, his yellow teeth baring in spite.
The onslaught kept coming and Severus felt powerless as he watched you with Amos again. Some abandoned building, this time, somewhere dank and dark in the wizarding community.
"Gods, you really are stubborn aren't you Esther?" Amos asked sadistically, "Not as powerful as you used to be though, it would seem."
Severus noted how tired you looked, you were pale, thin, your eyes dull. He had seen this look in you all too recently. The outward signs that you were ever pregnant were completely gone.
"Don't you dare call me that, you disgusting piece of shit! You killed her, you killed her!" You screamed and it echoed around the empty building. It was late, dark, freezing. Severus could feel just how cold it was as his body began to shiver.
"You're lucky it was just that bastard child that I killed." He replied coldly. Your wands were pointed at each other. He attacked first. Severus remembered you had told him that you were not strong enough for the fight, though you did admirably. Fending off his spells, but the tiredness hindered your counterspells.
"Y/n, are you in here?" A man's voice echoed through the space.
"Ohhh, Esther, someone is here for you." Amos laughed evilly, his next stupefy missed, as you blocked it and then countered, knocking him back into the wall.
"George, get out of here," you shouted as you saw him enter through the rickety door, "I told you not to follow me!"
He didn't see Amos in the darkened corner and beyond Severus' understanding, you began to scream. George ran to you as you dropped to the floor and Amos raised his wand in your direction.
"George, no!" You managed before the ceiling of the building collapsed, bricks and steel beams flew down onto your partner and crushed him. He didn't scream. He didn't fight. He was gone in an instant, right before your eyes.
Then it crashed onto your body, the agony ran through Severus as it did you. He thought it would be the end but you had hung onto consciousness. Amos stopped the destruction and walked over to you, he twirled his wand in his hand and whistled to himself as he got closer. You struggled for your wand, it was so near; if only you could move slightly more. Your fingers clawed at the floor, gathering dust that had been created from the falling ceiling.
"Tut tut, Esther. Call yourself an Auror," he ridiculed, then kicked your wand further out of reach. You didn't have the power to do anything without it.
"Just kill me, Amos. It's wh...what you want," you struggled, tears running down your dirty face.
"Oh come on, where's your fight now?" He asked, a sadistic smirk on his face, he leaned down in the rubble that surrounded you, "Anyway, you're very mistaken, my daughter. I need you."
"F-fuck...you. I would never h-help you. Soon, they'll find you and you'll…" You breathed in deeply and closed your eyes, the pain was becoming too much to bear, your body was going into shock "be back in Azkaban."
He grabbed you by the hair and made you look at him, your eyes unfocussed and your breath becoming shallower. "Look at you. This won't do at all."
Pushing his wand into the side of your forehead, he muttered some incantation Severus was unfamiliar with. Then he cut his own hand with the end of his wand and did the same to yours. The pain your body was already in meant you barely registered the cutting.
"Get o...get off me," you moaned and tried to take your hand away from his but he was too strong.
"You've forgotten whose blood runs through your veins, let me help remind you, Esther." He joined the cuts and your hand felt like it melted into his with such heat that you felt your teeth struggle under the force of your clenched jaw. He kissed your lips and you shook your head to escape it, keeping your mouth firmly clamped shut. Amos carried on the incantation and slowly your hair began to change and your eyes mirrored his. He lowered his voice into a whisper, "One day, you will be who you're meant to be. Your struggle only makes it more pleasing for me."
Before you could reply or even try to comprehend what he had said or done he threw your head back into the concrete floor below you.
You jumped from Severus' body and flew to your feet, Severus followed as fast as he could. "Don't fucking touch me, you fucking…how could you? You killed my baby! You killed my baby!" You were hitting his chest, your eyes wild and not there until he managed to clamp them down at your sides and hold you tight. Your fists hadn't hurt him but your words purged his heart. You writhed painfully between his arms. "I will never help you! Never!"
Try as he might, Severus knew you weren't hearing the words he was trying to speak over your anger.
Y/N it's me. It's me, darling, it's Sev. He thought over and over again, hoping to the gods that you'd eventually hear him.
"Sev?" You whimpered into his chest as your body calmed, his familiar scent filling your senses and the feeling of his body and his mind close to yours. You buried yourself there for a moment until you were moving, but not because either of you wanted to.
Severus was light-headed, he felt like the floor was about to crumble under his feet at any moment and if he didn't sit you both down, he was likely to fall onto you. He stumbled back into the sofa and you managed to steady yourself so that you didn't fall onto his lap. Sweat soaked his forehead and he slumped back in the chair and closed his eyes. He felt nauseous, the experience had taken far more from him than he expected.
Fuck. Look what you've done to him. Is that what you call control, y/n? What even was that? That's not how you'd ever remembered it. Maybe you should leave.
"Don't leave," Severus pleaded softly. "It's him, y/n."
Quickly you removed your hand that had been resting on his knee, you didn't want him hearing anymore. You stepped back from him, his eyes were now open and he was staring at the ceiling. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and his Adam's apple bobbed harshly as he swallowed.
"I didn't remember him doing that. I've…" you looked at your left hand, there were scars there of course, but nothing like the cut he had produced with his wand. You then touched your lips and felt physically sick at the thought of his lips being against yours. They were rough and dry and cold. "Stephanie was right, all the memory altering has really fucked me up."
"It's him, y/n," Severus repeated, finally looking at you again. You stood with your back to the fire, hands on your hips, biting at your bottom lip. "Your mind has been shielding you. Think about what he did, y/n."
Early Sunday morning had you feeling anxious in your bed, you left Severus to sleep but left him an enchanted cup of coffee on the bedside table for when he woke. It would remain the perfect temperature for him. Slipping on your cloak and shoes, you went for an early morning walk before the rest of the castle would wake. So no one would see you. You'd still not made progress with your appearance. By midnight you might not be a teacher here anymore, you thought.
Stopping on the old wooden bridge, which looked like it could collapse but never had, you sipped your coffee as you watched the sun slowly begin to rise. Yesterday had been far more successful than Friday night; you managed to project to Severus without completely exhausting him or yourself. You took it slower, stopping more frequently, and there were no more nasty surprises. Instead of going anywhere near Amos, you stayed close to happier memories; some of your mother, your grandmother, times at school, and in turn, you saw bits of his. Though, not much, as they were often painful and that's when your control started to struggle. The emotional response between you was proving to be the biggest hurdle. But, despite that, Severus was an immense help and by the end of the tiring day, you trusted yourself enough to touch him, though it was just that. Touching, in bed as you fell to sleep.
You felt dirty, knowing what Amos had done. How he had forced himself into your mind, into your body with his blood, and how he had stopped the cloaking spell. By the time you woke up in St Mungo's after that final attack, it had reversed and nobody had made mention of the change. You'd never known about it, until Friday night, so it must not have even lasted that long, otherwise a healer would have told you.
Screaming felt like the best option as you looked into the water beneath you. Screaming or jumping. Don't be so stupid. You stepped back from the railings. Severus would be left alone, he'd never forgive you. And you'd never get the quiet life you want with him. You'll never have kids, but maybe one day you can have a house and a dog. Maybe.
It was a few more minutes before you decided to return to your quarters; you didn't want to risk being out too much longer, you lied to yourself. Really, the more you looked at the railings the more tempting it was. When you got back, Severus was forcing his foot into his shoe and hopping towards the door. He stopped upon seeing you.
"What are you doing?" You asked, taking off your own cloak and shoes.
"What do you mean, what am I doing? Have you forgotten the little game of hide and seek we played yesterday? I woke up to a cup of coffee and the image of you standing on the bridge. What were you doing?"
"Nothing. Just thinking." You said defensively, though you didn't mean to. You didn't want to be short with him, he had been so patient with you yesterday. "I'm sorry, it's going to take some getting used to. Hopefully, I'll be able to control it better soon enough. I didn't mean to alarm you. Can we go back to bed for a bit?"
He sighed, the images were enough for him to know you were feeling distressed when you were on the bridge. The thought of what could have happened terrified Severus, but you had come back to him and he had to trust that you would continue to come back to him.
Severus let you work things out by yourself for much of the day, mostly on your request, but he made sure you knew he'd be on hand if and when you needed him. You didn't push yourself too much more; your mind was tired, you didn't want to overwhelm yourself and end up feeling worse. So you ate well, went to Severus' bathroom to use his bath, and read up on cloaking spells again; it didn't help, again. You conceded this was beyond magical theory.
It was evening when you asked Severus to join you in your bedroom. Severus sat behind you, his chest to your back, his arms around your stomach, and his legs cradling yours. He had placed the living room rug in front of the full-length mirror in your bedroom and sat quietly as you looked at yourself. At times he would stroke your stomach or your thigh, place a kiss or two on your shoulder.
You can either let him keep controlling it or you can fight him. You thought as you looked at yourself. For the first time, you weren't repulsed or angered by the way you looked because that's what he wanted.
"Your struggle only makes it more pleasing to me," he had whispered into your ear, as you lay half-conscious in some rundown, old house.
But you let the words of Eleanor conquer his. Severus had sat with you as you found another memory of your mother yesterday, one where you had cried to her that you looked like him. That you hated that you looked like him. Whilst your mother may not have liked it, she wasn't a liar, and as she wiped away your sad tears, she told you were that you were beautiful just the way you were.
With Severus' heart beating against your back and the acceptance of Eleanor in your head, you stopped hating yourself. This is who you were and that was okay. If it meant you had to start again in another job, so be it, it wouldn't change what you had found in Severus and it wouldn't beat you. Amos wouldn't beat.
And slowly the silver started to disappear from your hair, you didn't dare move, or smile, or breath too heavily for fear of losing the control you had found. Severus watched intently, he too, completely still of emotion and movement. Until it was all gone and you were back. He hugged you tighter and kissed your neck.
I did it.
You did it.