Alex didn't know what to do. She knew she shouldn't just be sitting around waiting; she had to be active and help in some way. But what was there for her to do exactly. She had already reached out to her mother, she had just sent the file on Cassandra to the team, and she didn't have any Alexandra Udinov performances or press conferences to attend. It was all about waiting and planning for their next move. However, what the next move was exactly she had no idea. Never in a million years did she ever think she would get that far. She was so close to avenging her father and reuniting with her mother; her family was within sight, and it seemed too good to be true. Yet she had slammed into a standstill. Semak was still alive, and Katya was nowhere to be seen. God, she just wanted things to finally be over.
Honestly, Alex thought she was in way over her head. Ever since she had joined the team, she felt as though she wasn't equipped to handle anything. Everything that had occurred was too much. Discovering the conspiracy that had killed her father, learning people she once trusted had been the reason for her pain, lying and spying and fighting and even killing, it was enough to drive her insane. In dark moments, she wondered if she would've been better off not knowing any of that shit; if she had kept working as Senator Pierce's assistant, living in a crappy apartment, completely unaware that her whole life was a lie, could she have been happier. It was certainly a question that caused her to toss and turn during sleepless nights.
Because what was she fighting for if not the return to that normal, blissful life. She knew she'd never have the life she had as a child again. That kind of innocence had been lost countless times over, from the death of her father, to the brothels, to the streets, and to the drugs. Yet Alex had gotten clean. She had escaped and carved out peace for herself. She had a job and a home, she made friends, and she even had the inklings of a romance. That all had the opportunity to flourish and grow into something so real and substantial, the hell she had gone through wouldn't have excited anymore. It would be like paradise.
However, it was all a lie. Alex wasn't herself. She had to hide her real name, her real past, all in some vain attempt to protect herself. She would've imploded eventually. And there was no telling what would've happened to that perfect bubble of a life when things fell apart. It was better for her to know the truth- the whole truth. She got to be who she was always meant to be, and she got the chance to reunite with her mother. She also got to be a part of an amazing team that was attempting to erase the world of its evil. That was probably a more positive spin on their destructive path of revenge than some of the actions they had performed. Except, the statement was true to some extent.
Despite all the pain and heartache the team seemed to suffer, there were victories to celebrate in that fucking war. They had saved innocent lies, and they had revealed the truth. The truth hurt, and left damaging scars, but at least it wasn't a lie. At least people weren't deceived and ignorant and made stupid mistakes. That was the good Alex clung to. She was making a difference in people's lives, and for the better. It was difficult to believe at times, but she was a hero. Well, a hero by association. She knew her team was without a doubt. They were strong and determined; they protected the innocent. Being a part of them was probably the best worst decision she had ever had.
Following Birkhoff into that alley with Nikita wasn't the smartest thing she could've done. She knew that at the time. And with all of the things she was aware of then, she knew how easily she could've been killed. Fortunately, that action turned out well for the whole team. The things they had accomplished had been because they were working together. Not a single one of them could've done it alone. Which was why Alex had to do something at that moment. They had been running and gunning since that alleyway, so they couldn't just stop- she couldn't just stop. If the team was going to confront Cassandra, then she had to help in some way. All she was doing was waiting to find her mom. So she could be of some use.
"Alex, Honey, it's okay. We can just sit for a moment," Sean, however, grabbed hold of her hand and pulled her back to the couch. She had been pacing, but at his movement and words she stopped. Maybe it was the slip of a term of endearment that made her freeze. Or maybe because in all her wondering and raging thoughts, she knew Sean was the best thing to come from her rash decision to join the crusade. The two might've gotten together in that fake life she was living. Yet in reality, what they had was so connected and real. They knew one another; they understood one another. And when they spiraled out of control, they could help each other breathe, "What do you want to do when we find your mom?"
"Get her somewhere safe," Refocusing, Alex stated. She could put all her attention and energy into planning for the future. There was always something productive to do, even if she thought the team needed her elsewhere. Sean got her to sit right next to him, their shoulders touching. It was alright for her to only focus on her side of the war. Gogol and Semak were just as much of a threat as Division. Her mother was also an innocent that had to be saved. Above all else, that was what the team did. They would do anything in their power to ensure no one else ended up like them.
"Where? And then do what?" Sean only asked to get Alex to think. Her heart was in the right place when it came to her mother. She was able to forgive her and love her, even after what she had done. If he was being honest with himself, he was still struggling with that when it came to his own mother. He loved her, and he wouldn't deny that she was his mom. But he wasn't sure if he could forgive her for being so corrupt. The things she had let happen was inexcusable. And the fact that she had raised him and his sisters to be honorable and fight against injustices was dizzying. He thought his mother was someone steady to hold to as the world turned insane. Yet he had been so terribly wrong.
Looking at Alex, though, he could have hope that things would get better. Sean could be as strong and as forgiving as his girlfriend. That term shot a thrill of excitement up his spine. The two weren't used to the step in their relationship. However, it was such a wonderful step. They felt at ease and peaceful in each other's presence. It helped them calm and continue forward. And it helped them visualize a beautiful future ahead of them. One where they could have all they wanted. For Alex, that was having her family and friends together in her life, "A private island with someone watching her, while I kill Semak. Then we can be a family again."
"And what about Zetrov?" Sean had no doubt they could dismantle Gogol and Division. Oversight was already out of the way; the other two organizations could burn to the ground as well. Zetrov, on the other hand, was a billion dollar company. What was going to happen to it when its leader was gone. It couldn't fall, someone else would just fill the role of CEO and potentially continue the corruption. There was a chance neither Alex nor Katya would've been safe with that outcome. They had to be able to do something to prevent that. Once Semak was gone, how were they to ensure no one like Ari took over.
"Hand it over to someone we trust, and have them disband Gogol," That seemed simple enough to Alex. And maybe with hers and Sean's combined skill- along with their team- they could do it. She was feeling more confident and in command of herself by the second. It was possible that all she had to do was sit, breathe, and think for a moment. But she knew it was all because of her boyfriend's (how exciting was that) help. She leaned closer into his side, and he smiled brilliantly at her. An easy grin etched it's way across her features, allowing her to fully relax. She could do it. She could put the skills she recently learned to use and really be a hero.
"Now that's a plan," Nudging her, Sean praised. The two of them needed to continue thinking and scheming to make that plan come to fruition. First they had to secure Katya's safety, then they had to find a Zetrov board member that was trustworthy. But it wasn't anything out of the realm of possibility. Alex nodded in excitement, and let positivity wash over her. There was no use in letting everything weigh her down; nothing could have the chance to drag her underwater, and cause her to drown in all the insecurities and feeling of helplessness. She could raise above her fears and anxieties with Sean and her team by her side. She was going to have a life once more. After all, she was already half-way to happiness.