They were never able to try out Tony's gift that weekend. Steve didn't even see him again until Monday. Jarvis informed them that there was an SI emergency that he had to deal with and he flew off without saying goodbye. Steve tried not to worry about it for the rest of the day, since it was just business stuff. It wasn't like Tony was off fighting monsters as Iron Man without him. But his brain wouldn't be convinced.
He got cocky, thinking one night and a nap worth of good sleep would fix him and he went off to sleep in his bed alone. The nightmares proved otherwise. Steve dreamt of getting the call from Pepper that Tony never made it to his destination, that he'd been shot down in an attack. He listened to her cry and scream that Steve should've been there to have his back and trusting him was the biggest mistake they'd ever made. Steve woke up sobbing, stumbling back to his normal area in front of the windows of his living room. He'd been so focused recently on his fear of leaving everyone behind that he forgot his fear of being left behind as well. But now it was back in full force.
If Shield called right now with a need for immediate assistance, would they even let Steve join? Was there some sort of mental health evaluation he'd have to pass before he was let back out into the field? They hadn't heard a single word from anyone at Shield since he moved back, as far as Steve knew. Was the team giving Fury updates on what was going on? Would they tell him if they were? He didn't think they'd get too personal, but a simple thumbs up or down didn't seem like too big of a stretch.
He didn't know what to do with himself and the idea of spending another night awake and alone after experiencing the opposite was almost unbearable. It was only midnight, which wasn't terribly late, but he didn't want to wake anyone up just to take care of him. That sounded too much like a little kid crawling into their parents bed in the middle of the night.
"Jarvis, is- is anyone else awake?" Steve asked, curling up around his knees. They wanted him to ask for help if he needed it, right? They weren't just saying it at the time to make him feel better?
"Ms. Romanoff and Mr. Barton are currently awake," Jarvis answered. "Would you like me to relay a message?"
"Are they busy?" Steve asked. He wasn't trying to be nosy, but he didn't want to interrupt if they were doing something private. He still wasn't sure what kind of relationship they really had.
"Would you like me to ask them?"
"I guess," Steve whispered.
"Ms. Romanoff requests that you come to her floor and to bring your blanket if you'd like." So, there definitely wasn't any hiding what this was about then. Steve hoisted himself off the floor and shuffled back into his room to grab the weighted blanket. He still wasn't sure if he liked it or not, but he was willing to try it again. He wrapped it around his shoulders and trudged over to the elevators, feeling completely juvenile. Steve kind of wished someone on the team needed him for something, so it didn't have to feel so awkward. Nothing dangerous, but maybe slightly embarrassing to even the score a little.
"Perfect timing," Natasha said right as the elevator doors opened on her floor. She was as dressed down as Steve had ever seen her, in an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants. That kind of helped. "I was just about to have Jarvis see if you wanted to join us."
"Right," Steve murmured, appreciating the lie.
"No, really. Clint told me about your Mr. Rogers marathon and I got jealous. Decided I wanted one too," Natasha insisted, coaxing him out of the elevator and toward her room. The bed was already turned down and looked amazingly comfortable, with stacks of pillows lining the back. Not really what he imagined Natasha's bed would look like, but the more pillows there were, the more places to hide weapons probably.
"Where is Clint?" Steve asked, letting himself be situated in the center of the bed. Natasha laid his blanket over his lap and he felt like an old maid.
"Just getting a couple drinks," Natasha said, sliding into the bed next to him. This was kind of weird. It was one thing to fall asleep next to someone on a couch, but sharing a bed was intimate. That was going into something with specific intent.
"Planning on trying to get me drunk?" Steve asked, dipping his head down toward her.
"Oh, I wish I could. I bet you would be the sweetest," Natasha cooed, reaching up to pinch his cheeks. Steve could feel himself blushing, but he grumbled under his breath to try to cover it up.
"I'm back," Clint announced as he walked back into the room carrying three mugs.
"Clint, I thought I told you to put on pants?" Natasha glared, pointing at the man who was only wearing boxers.
"You all are lucky I put these on. I usually sleep nude," Clint snorted, handing over the drinks before sliding into the bed on Steve's other side. That was a lot of skin, but Steve tried to ignore it.
"What's this?" Steve asked, peering into the steaming mug. It didn't look like the tea from the night before.
"Warm milk with a little bit of cinnamon and honey," Clint grinned, taking a sip of his own. Steve really felt like a baby now, but at least the others were drinking it too. Steve took his own sip, moaning in appreciation as the comfort slowly spread down his body.
"S'good," Steve murmured, closing his eyes and leaning back into the pillows.
"See, guess I should've been invited to your little kitchen experiments. You obviously needed my guidance," Clint smirked.
"Warming up milk is a bit more simple than what we were doing," Natasha defended.
"Do you know how much technique goes into warming up milk properly? Making sure you don't burn any. Checking for hot spots. Getting rid of any of that weird skin that likes to form on top. And then adding the perfect amount of honey and cinnamon. Don't belittle my craft!"
"Your craft? Please. You probably just put it in the microwave."
"I've never heard something more blasphemous in my life!" Clint gasped, going on a tirade about what, Steve didn't know. He let the warm drink and voices soothe him and blur his consciousness.
When he woke up the next morning, he was curled up in a ball between them both, with his face pressed against Clint's shoulder blades and Natasha wrapped around his back. Steve wanted to kick up a fuss about how awkward it all was, but he was just too comfortable. Was this how married couples felt, waking up to the comfort of your partner being right there? If so, Steve wanted that.
Clint and Natasha were very careful not to joke or bring up anything that happened that night. If they acted like it was normal, maybe it would start to feel that way. Steve went off to go through the rest of his day, spending most of his time in the gym with Thor or watching TV with Clint. And when the time came to go to sleep, Natasha just took him by the arm and led him to her bed. They at least made it through a few episodes before Steve passed out again. And he didn't have a single dream.
It was finally Monday morning and Jarvis informed him that Tony's flight was due to arrive within the hour. Steve was on his floor, trying to act like he wasn't counting down the minutes until he saw the other man again. He knew Tony had been fine all along, but until Steve saw it, he couldn't fully believe it. And if this is how he felt after Tony went to a work meeting, Steve didn't know what he'd do if Shield sent Natasha and Clint on a mission. Just the idea of it made him want to throw up. He needed to get serious about getting better, so he would be ready in case the team was needed. And that meant putting some of his affairs in order to give him peace of mind.
Steve had been thinking about this since he first woke up and found out that all of his personal belongings that had survived to this point were in various museums around the world. There were old pictures he could find online, and someone at Shield along the way had explained how to print them, but it wasn't the same as having something from your past that you had touched. And he still didn't have many material things that mattered to him, but he hoped that would change.
Steve walked over to his dresser, which he still hadn't started using for his clothes, and reached into the back of one of the drawers. He hadn't looked at his papers since he'd put them there, but they were the only things he could think of that he had to tuck away. Maybe one of his sweaters, but he wanted to keep wearing them. He traced his fingers along the edge of Peggy's picture, trying to think of what she would say about how he was living now. He avoided thinking about her when he was at his apartment, because he knew she wouldn't approve of what he was doing to himself. But now, he thought she might be happy for him. She always seemed to be able to see him, even before the serum.
"Hey Steve," Tony said softly from the doorway. Steve hadn't even heard him come in, so focused on the items in his hands and the thoughts of what could've been.
"Tony," Steve whispered. He had an overwhelming urge to rush over and hug the man, but that felt wildly over the top. "I'm glad you're back."
"Glad to be back, pal. Sorry I had to leave so abruptly, but duty calls, you know? It was nice seeing Pepper again though. I think I made some real progress on that front. Trying to convince her to come visit, but she's so swamped right now, hence me having to go and put out fires. But we'll see. Maybe around Christmas," Tony babbled, rocking back and forth on his heels.
"Right," Steve said, just to have any sort of response. The relief of seeing Tony was great and confusing and painful, all at the same time. It was the moment he'd always wished had happened so many times in his life, but rarely did. And this was nothing like when Steve thought all was lost and he needed a miracle to be reunited with the person he cared about, but his desperate brain couldn't help but draw the parallels. He'd had that moment with Bucky once, but he wasn't going to be lucky enough to have it again.
"Hey, bring it in here big guy," Tony said, spreading his arms open for him. Steve didn't hesitate, taking the few steps over and practically collapsing into the other man's arms. Steve gripped Tony with a desperation that would mortify him if he was in his right mind, but this was exactly what he needed in this moment. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing now," Steve mumbled into his shoulder. And while that wasn't really true, having the whole team safe and in one place was probably as good as it ever was gonna get.
"You wanna talk about it?"
"Not really," Steve murmured, because he couldn't really articulate what was going on in his mind. Or maybe it was that he didn't want to. He was already planning on talking to Tony about something that had the potential to be difficult and he didn't need to add extra onto that.
"Did you take care of the kids while I was gone?" Tony asked when Steve finally pulled away.
"They mostly took care of me," Steve admitted, feeling more appreciative than embarrassed by that fact.
"Good, now I won't have to ground them," Tony chuckled, stepping back. "So, I got you something." Tony jiggled the bag Steve hadn't noticed hanging from his wrist.
"What is it?" Steve asked, taking the bag from Tony and peeking inside.
"Ah, you're one of those people. The kind that asks what a gift is while they're opening it, instead of just waiting the two extra seconds," Tony noted, shooting him a smile. Steve didn't mention that the last gift he'd gotten had been from the man himself and had exploded with confetti in his face. Tony wasn't like that anymore.
"It's a… snow globe?" Steve asked, pulling the glass ball out and peering inside. "Of New York City?"
"I had to go into the airport when I got back for some stupid paperwork issue and saw this as I was passing by. Made me think of you," Tony explained.
"Because of the snow?" Steve deadpanned, feeling more fondness instead of irritation. If that was the joke, it didn't bother him as much for some reason now.
"No! Well, yes, but that wasn't the only reason. Look closer," Tony instructed. One side of the globe showed the bustling, bright city you'd expect from one of these, but as you turned it, the other side showed the city as it used to be. How Steve remembered it. "Both of your homes."
"Wow Tony, I don't know what to say. Thank you," Steve said quietly, setting the gift on the dresser so the older side faced the room.
"Nah, don't mention it. And I really mean don't mention it, since I didn't get anything for anyone else," Tony laughed. Steve tried to smile at that, but all of his attention was back on his papers. "Well, I'll let you get back to what you were up to when I got here. We're still on for our jacuzzi date, right?"
"Actually, I was wondering if you could help me with something?" Steve asked hesitantly, keeping his eyes away from Tony.
"Anything," Tony answered immediately.
"When they first found me, I had nothing. The only things of mine anyone bothered to keep were sent off to be preserved for 'historical purposes,'" Steve started, letting a little annoyance leak into his words at the end. Even from the beginning people only cared about the symbol, not the person. "I know that no one ever expected me to come back, but since we know that's a possibility now, I wanted to do something so that wouldn't happen again."
"Steve-"
"I know you want me to believe that I won't lose time again, but we can't be sure. And if I'm going to go back to living my life, I need to know I'll have something waiting for me, just in case."
"Okay. Go on."
"I want to find somewhere safe and secure that I can trust will still be there, no matter how much time passes. It's not like I'll ever have a family to pass things on to, and that would be way too much pressure anyway. But that's where you come in," Steve explained. "I was wondering if you could help me set up a trust that could guarantee and oversee a safe deposit box indefinitely?"
"Um, yeah. I've got some lawyers who'd be able to handle all that stuff."
"Great! Because I have all that money that Shield gave me, so I think I can afford to keep it as long as I need. I just want to make sure we use a place that's been around a long time and least likely to go under. We should probably have a backup just in case, but I don't really know much about banks and all that. And I don't have much, so I don't think I'll need a lot of space," Steve stammered, excited by the idea of having this security blanket waiting for him, just in case.
"What do you have so far?" Tony asked, visibly recoiling at the sharp look Steve gave him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business."
"No, I'm sorry. Of course I can show you. You're helping me after all," Steve sighed, kicking himself for having that reaction.
"You don't owe me anything just because I'm helping you with something. You are always allowed and encouraged to tell me to screw off whenever you want to," Tony insisted, taking a deep breath to calm his frustration. They'd made big strides in their relationship these past few days, but there were always going to be these little moments until they finally hashed everything out. Steve still wasn't ready for that, but this could be a good first step to getting there.
"Really, it's okay," Steve said, picking up the welcome note and passing it over to Tony. "I don't have a lot yet, but what I have so far is important to me."
"You kept this?" Tony whispered, rubbing the back of his hand over his mouth as he read the two simple words he'd written down not so long ago.
"Yeah, I did. I honestly didn't want to be here when I came back, but seeing that note, seeing you refer to this place as home when it came to me, it meant something. I can't really explain it," Steve said, fingering the other paper that would be joining the welcome note in the box. This was the one that would be hard to get through. Steve handed it over, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Tony's reaction.
"Oh God," Tony muttered, taking in a sharp breath. Steve could tell the second Tony read the date on the paper. "Oh God!"
"I wasn't planning on telling anyone. I got the letter the day of the mission and-"
"No, no-"
"It probably wouldn't have changed anything-"
"Steve-"
"With how injured I was, who knows if I would've made it in time anyway? It might've been worse if I was awake and couldn't go."
"Do not make excuses for what I did!" Tony shouted, setting the papers back down on the dresser and pacing away toward the wall. "God, how can you stand to be around me?"
"Tony-"
"What kind of fucking monster am I?"
"You didn't know-"
"I knew enough! I knew everything you went through and that didn't stop a single thing I did. Hell, it was my inspiration!"
"Tony stop, please," Steve whispered, just now realizing he'd started crying at some point. He didn't want this and now he was going to lose everything because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. "I didn't want this to happen when I showed you that paper."
"I deserve everything I'm feeling and more. What kind of person am I?"
"You're the kind of person who opens his home to strangers when you didn't even have to. The kind of person who fills a closet with clothes for someone you didn't even know would come back. The person who sat with me all night in silence after my nightmare, even after I yelled at you. Who sat with me in that hospital when I cried and never left my side. One mistake doesn't define you," Steve proclaimed, fighting through his own tears and the ones he saw trailing down Tony's face.
"It wasn't just one mistake," Tony mumbled, swiping a hand over his cheeks. "I was awful to you."
"That's not who you really are. The Tony I know and care about wouldn't do that now."
"Do I even deserve that trust? You don't know how much it means to me that you gave me another chance."
"Everything you've done has shown me you do. I wouldn't even be here right now if it wasn't for you," Steve stated resolutely. Now it was Tony's turn to rush into his arms and they clung to each other like they were the only thing holding the world together. Steve knew there was still more to talk about, but this conversation was important. For the both of them.
"Have you gone yet?" Tony asked, tipping his head toward the papers.
"Not yet," Steve sighed, rubbing his face on Tony's shoulder. "I can't say goodbye to my past until I'm secure in my present, you know?"
"Do you want me to go with you when you're ready? For support?" Steve pressed his face into Tony's neck, letting his lips twitch in appreciation.
"I think I'd like that."