A/N: This is a Bess and Sirius heavy chapter, apologies if it's a bit boring eek. I know I said there'd be more Order member chats, but when I decided to focus on Sirius and Bess, I realised they needed limited distractions. I'm hoping that it'll just be a couple of chapters before we're at the summer and seeing the Order again. I have big plans!
I'm always skipping over the bits where Bess and Sirius have proper deep chats about their childhoods and about what she's learnt in a vision etc because I find them so hard to write because they make me so emotional! But I wanted to show one for once. Because I don't want anyone to think that they don't talk, or don't have arguments, or don't walk away from each other. They're both still human, trying to hold on to their love as tightly as possible during a war which neither thinks they'll survive.
xXx
That night, Bess, Sirius, James, Remus and Lily stayed over at the Order headquarters. By midnight the older crowd had begun to leave, and Remus and James had been found on a sofa, James' head on Remus' shoulder as they both snored. Bess had made sure to take a picture, and then allowed Sirius to wake up the boys.
"Thanks, Moon, always a pleasure," James said as he stretched and stood.
"Does this happen a lot?" Lily asked, wrapping her arms around James' middle. The taller boy blushed and carefully snaked his arm around her shoulders, as if sure that she'd push him off at any moment. When she didn't, he squeezed her closer and sighed in happiness.
"All the time. They say I'm... cuddly? Yeah, cuddly the week after the full moon," Remus replied, rolling his eyes as Sirius grinned and nudged him.
"Best shoulder to nap on, this one. James' are too firm, can't nap on my own, and Peter drools too much," Sirius declared. "Now, sleep, I think!"
Bess smiled as Moody gruffly ordered for someone to show them all upstairs, and announced to the room at large that he'd be downstairs on the sofa if the Order needed him.
The five students were then led upstairs by Fabian, who explained that the house belonged to Edgar Bones and his wife, who were just down the hall. They had three spare rooms, as they didn't have children yet, and leant them to Order members who couldn't go home for whatever reason.
He winked at Sirius and Bess as he pointed them towards their room, directly across from James and Remus', and next to Lily's. "Behave, you two," he said before he left.
Sirius rolled his eyes at the raised eyebrows and looks, and said, "Not happening tonight. We need to have a chat about Bess' deathwish..."
Bess pursed her lips together, and watched as their friends' expressions turned from 'wink wink nudge nudge' to understanding and serious.
They'd barely closed the door when Sirius turned to Bess and asked, "What did you remember, love? Why did you say you couldn't let me stay with you?"
Bess sighed and shook her head. "Without knowing everything else, it won't make sense."
"Then tell me everything?" he asked quietly.
Bess frowned at the ground and shook her head. "I don't... I don't want to."
"Because you'll have a vision?"
"No. Because you'll hate me if you know how much I know."
Sirius nodded and reached a hand up to Bess' chin. He gently tilted her head until her eyes met his, and said, "I think it's time that there were no secrets, don't you? Because I need to know why I should be okay with you throwing your life away. I need to know why you don't want me locked up. And don't think I've forgotten that you've still not told me how I die."
Bess inhaled a short sharp breath and licked her lips. "Okay."
"Honesty bubble ground rules?" Sirius asked, and Bess nodded. "One, if you feel yourself getting any indication of a vision, you stop."
"That's it?" she asked.
"That's it."
"Okay, then I have my own. If I answer everything, and if you still want to be with me, you have to promise that we'll stay at the flat over the summer."
"Yes. I promise," Sirius said quietly.
Bess didn't know who was making the larger sacrifice - her, in telling him, or him, in allowing the woman he loved to be reckless in the face of death.
They didn't bother to change out of their clothes as they lay down on the freshly made bed and stared up at the white ceiling, not looking at each other.
After a while, Sirius cleared his throat and asked, "Do you know who Padfoot is?"
"Yes."
"Did you know Uncle Alf was gonna leave me an inheritance?"
"Yes."
"What else did you know about me before we met?"
Bess continued to stare at the ceiling as she answered. She told him everything she remembered, sparing only one detail - the name of the person who would betray Lily and James. She also couldn't tell him much about his family, or about Regulus as her memory only skimmed across his life, and she could tell he was relieved that it had been him who'd told her about their abuse and their views, and not the books.
She was surprised when he hadn't immediately stormed off when she'd explained what she did know - nothing of his schooling apart from two instances of him meeting Snape. Then, only of a chase with James which she didn't go into detail about, the picture of him laughing at their wedding, the night of James and Lily's murders when he tried to save Harry and gave up his motorcycle. And after that, his imprisonment. It had been his harsh intake of breath when she'd told him about Grimmauld Place that had proved that he was still beside her as she spoke, the words tumbling out of her mouth as if willing themselves to be spoken.
Once she'd reached The Veil, her tears had created their tracks from the corners of her eyes to her ears, and she'd paused to wipe them away before, in a choked voice, she'd explained his death.
If she thought that offloading it all would make her feel better, give her some sense of catharsis, she was wrong. When she finished, tears streaming down her face, eyes still focussed on the expanse of pale darkness above her, they fell into a long silence, punctuated only by their deep breaths. Occasionally Bess would hear Sirius shift, or she'd move her hands slightly, resting them in different places on her belly. She wanted to reach out and hold his hand, turn her head to the side and look at him, roll over and kiss his lips. But she didn't.
She waited for him to say something, anything.
After an agonising ten minutes, he spoke in a deep, gravelly voice. "That's everything?"
"Yes. That's everything I knew about you."
"And you knew all of this when we met last year?"
"I- I didn't remember everything, I only recently remembered Grimmauld Place, but everything else, yes, I think I knew everything I just told you."
They lapsed into silence again, both still staring up at the ceiling as thoughts whirled around their minds.
Finally, Sirius spoke again. "Do you love me because of the books?"
"No. No, Sirius... I... In Diagon Alley when we met, I practically ran away because I couldn't handle meeting you all. I thought it would be weird, and odd, and... god. I- I looked at you and... B- before, I loved Sirius in the books in a kindred spirit way. I had a literary crush on him because he reminded me of myself, and it was almost proof that I could run away and live my life too... And then I met you, and it was... I couldn't have stayed away if I'd tried. I mean, I did try... you just kept finding me."
Silence filled the room again, and Bess tried to make as little noise as possible as she listened to his breathing which was alternating between choppy and slow.
After two minutes, Sirius spoke again, whispering in a low and strained voice, "Why didn't you walk away? Why didn't you leave us alone?"
Bess let out a sob. She wanted to look at him. Every fibre of her being wanted to turn her head and look at him, but he hadn't turned to her, so she didn't want to go against the grain. He needed time, especially after what she'd told him.
When she'd got her breathing under control, she said, "Even if we'd never met, if I'd been a Hufflepuff, or something... I would've been fighting to stop Voldemort. I would've changed things. When I realised I wasn't going home, I spoke to Dumbledore, and I put a plan in place in my head. Even if I'd avoided you, you would be the reason I was ended all of this. Because I want to believe that people like us, people with parents like ours, can survive and live."
"Why did it take you so long to be with me? If you knew who I was?"
"I wanted to get to know you. I only knew the shadow of a character I read about through the gaze of a parentless boy. I loved you because Harry loved you. And then we met and I got to know you and I fell in love with you. Not him. I can't imagine living without you," she whispered, pausing for a moment before she added, "and also because you were only sixteen and I was twenty and I was worried it was weird."
"Did you mean anything you said about not betraying me?"
"Everything. I meant everything."
And then Sirius moved. He rolled over and stood up, facing away from Bess, who stared at his back, willing him to turn around. She watched as he walked over to the door and opened it. Without looking back, he said, "I need time to think."
And then he was gone.
Bess couldn't blame him. So instead she cried, and blamed herself. She knew he wasn't breaking up with her yet, she knew that he was trying to get his head around everything, but she couldn't help but feel lost without him there. She'd only just got him back and then she'd managed to drive him away again.
About half an hour later the door opened and Bess turned towards it, hoping it was him.
"Sirius, James and Remus just left," Lily whispered as she walked into the room and crawled into the bed behind Bess, who was facing the wall. "Sirius sent me in. He said you told him everything you knew about him?"
Bess nodded and shook as she sobbed. Lily snuggled up behind her and propped herself up so that she could wrap one arm around Bess, and use her other hand to gently stroke her hair.
"He said he just needs some time," Lily whispered as Bess cried.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours, huddled together, until the sun began to rise and light began to flood into the room.
It was the middle of the morning before a knock at the door roused the girls, and Lily crossed the room to answer it. Bess could hear James' low tones, before Lily looked over and said, "I'm sorry, I have to go. I'm meant to be meeting Petunia's boyfriend today."
Bess could see the pain and reluctance on her friend's face, but she nodded and sent her an encouraging smile all the same. "I wish you didn't have to go, but I'm hope it'll be okay."
Lily nodded and, just like Sirius had hours before, she left.
xXx
A few hours later, Bess returned to the castle with Jasper. She didn't know if he sensed her upset, knew that Sirius had left, or could still see the tear tracks which felt sticky on her face, but he didn't joke, didn't try and chat, and left Bess to her silence.
"You alright, kid?" he asked as he dropped her off at the gate, pulling her into a tight hug, and placing a gentle kiss to the top of her head.
Bess looked up at him with watery eyes and shook her head. He held her for a few minutes, his deep breaths steadying her. Finally, she pulled away, kissed him on the cheek, and began the long trudge up to the castle. She refused to say goodbye - she couldn't handle the idea of uttering that word. The worry that he too would leave her, weighing heavy on her heart.
When she walked into the girls' dorm, Jo asked how her day had been, and said that McGonagall had mentioned that she'd gone to see her parents' graves to pay her respects. Bess thanked McGonagall silently, as it was a brilliant cover for her tears as well as her prolonged absence.
Jo, like Lily and Jasper, held Bess as she cried, and told her everything would be alright.
Bess couldn't help but wonder how she'd ended up with such sweet friends, who would do anything for her, even though they had no idea what was going on.
"I'm so- so sorry I'm such a trainwreck," she sobbed.
"No, Bess, you're grieving. It's okay," Jo replied.
xXx
Over the next few days, Bess alternated between lying in her bed, wolfing down sandwiches from the kitchens, and going for two or three hour aimless walks around the grounds. She'd walk until she was stumbling over her steps, tired enough to sleep.
She felt like she was in purgatory, waiting and wandering until Sirius came back to her.
As if he knew that she'd be thinking the worst, Sirius sent her a letter each day which said the same thing every time:
I'm still thinking.
I love you,
S x
These were the only things giving her any semblance of hope that he would one day forgive her for trapping him into a relationship. Even though she knew in her heart that he wouldn't see it that way. It was, she knew, a lot to process, and on top of everything else.
On Friday, just a few days before term began again, Jo announced that she was pulling an all-dayer in the library, only surfacing for, in her own words, "Food, pee breaks, and maybe a chat if you're here at six-thirty. I've got a five minute break then."
Having turned her nose up at Jo's invitation of joining her intense study session, since she'd already completed all of their assigned work in the first week of break, Bess spent the morning walking, had lunch, a nap, and then found herself in the bathroom, having a long and luxurious bath - the first time she'd had time alone to have one since she'd joined the school.
She was just about to add in some more warm water when she heard the main door to the dormitory creak open. She sat upright immediately, and when she heard the door shut, carefully left the bath, grabbing her towelled robe as she went. She wrapped it around herself and tied it at the waist before she picked up her wand and tip toed towards the bathroom door.
When she opened the door she gasped, and launched herself at her bed where a gigantic bear sized dog was sitting proudly, panting and staring at her.
She wrapped her arms around its neck and held it for a while until it barked and snarled. She moved back and watched in awe as Sirius changed in front of her, turning from Padfoot to himself.
He reached into his pocket and locked and silenced the door, and then placed his wand on her bedside table and brought his hands together on his lap, his face neutral.
"What's my favourite colour?" he asked.
"What? Uh- I..." Bess stammered, frowning up at the ceiling in concentration. "I would say green like the forest, but I remember you said a few months back that Peter puked last year and it almost put you off grass... and, you know, the whole Slytherin thing. Uh- your favourite sweet treat is chocolate but brown reminds you of shit, so not that. Christ. Why've we never talked about this before? Uh- okay, is it red or gold? Because funnily enough you're predictable?"
"Wasn't in the books?" he asked, and Bess' eyes snapped to his.
"No."
"My first memory?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Bess exhaled loudly through her nose. "I don't... Sirius, how'm I meant to know that?"
"Fine. My first girlfriend."
"Oh! Lily told me this! It was... uh-" she said, waving her hand in the air and snapping her fingers. "I know this. It was... Madeleine Darkholt! She was the year above you and you were in third year. You took her to Hogsmeade and broke up with her in the street because she wanted to go into Madam Puddifoots. Bit of an arsehole move if you ask me..."
Sirius let out a breathy laugh before he asked, "Where was I when I fell in love for the first time?"
"A motorcycle shop?"
"No," he said, shaking his head. "Okay... Where did I spent my first Easter away from my parents?"
"Which parents? If you mean your birth parents, Euphemia said you stayed with the Potters in your first year at Hogwarts. If you mean your first Easter away from Euphemia and Fleamont, then this is the first one, I think."
"First time I got drunk."
"Oh come on! I don't know!"
"First time I had sex."
"You told me that the night we had sex-"
"Made love," Sirius corrected.
"What?"
"I told you about it after the first time we made love."
"Oh. Uh- yeah, yeah you did. You uh- you said that it was in... fifth year? Maybe?"
Sirius looked down at his hands and nodded slowly. "You punched me in the face. You knew I was Padfoot and you punched me in the face."
"What? No I- oh. Uh- yes, yes I did. But to be honest, you were incredibly scary. The only person you definitely wouldn't scare is yourself and that's because you probably don't look in the mirror when you're Padfoot..."
"It really hurt."
"I'm sorry. I really am."
"I know," he replied. "I just... I was painting when I realised that there's so much more to me than my bike, or being a Marauder... and you know so much about me because... because you got to know me. You're right. I'm not that guy in the books."
He gently tugged at her gown, pulling her towards him, and wrapped his arms around her middle as he buried his face in the soft fabric at her middle. Bess circled her arms around his neck and placed kisses to the top of his head as he pulled her in tighter.
The silence which fell was broken by Bess, who whispered, "I thought you'd hate me if you ever found out the truth."
"You wanna know what I'm really thinking?" he asked, looking up at her.
"Always."
"I'm angry. I'm angry that you didn't tell me. I'm angry that you've been keeping so much from me. And I'm hurt. I knew you knew more. I knew it. I just- I just didn't know how much. And now I do... it's hard. And I know that you're still keeping things from me, because you only told me about my life. Not the others', and not about Voldemort."
"You can't know the rest. If you did..."
"You don't trust me?"
"No, I don't trust the other person. I know they deserve a chance," she said, thinking about Peter.
"But if it comes to it, you will?" he asked, and sighed as Bess nodded. "Good. I don't like the idea that you're being so good to someone so evil."
"It's more complicat-"
"No it's not, love, no it's not," he replied firmly. After a moment he sighed and pulled her even closer, if that was possible. "I couldn't sleep last night, I just kept thinking over everything. You know what I keep circling back to?" he asked, and Bess shook her head. "If you hadn't called me a prick, we would've celebrated our year anniversary on Tuesday."
"No we wouldn't."
"Oh yeah, we would've. You're underestimating how attractive I thought you were when we first met... if you hadn't've called me a prick, I would've started up a conversation about books... and you would've given in to my charm, and I would've realised so so quickly how special you were. I'd've taken you for ice cream the day we met, and then visited the Alley every day to see you," he said, as he pulled her down onto the bed and lay her down beside him, closing the curtains around them with a flick of his wand. He propped himself up, his chin on his hand, and stared down at her. "Then I would've snuck out of the castle every night to see you in the Three Broomsticks and help you with your revision. Over summer, you would've stayed at the Potter's', or we would have met up every week for dates in Muggle London. I would've taken you for dinner to celebrate your OWL results, and then you would've joined us on the train, and we would've had two extra months of school romance."
"No... you would've told me I was crazy, and a liar, and sent from your parents to ruin you," Bess whispered. "That's what you thought when I joined Hogwarts. And I wouldn't have been able to lie to you for that long."
Sirius stared down at her for a long while, until he moved a curl from her cheek and whispered, "Tell me about the books. About what they really mean to you."
Bess sighed and tilted her head to the side as she looked up at him. "Right. You know about my parents. I uh- I haven't really told you about school though. I- I think it's why I can't stand seeing you in fights, or... or why I think of it as bullying... Sirius, you've always been popular."
"Bess-"
"No, please, it's all... it's all context. Okay, you need to know this. At school, you really don't know what it's like to be the bullied one. To have people physically and verbally attack you because of how smart you are, or the colour of your skin, or because you've got spots, or a big nose, or glasses, or just because you're an easy target. But I- I know that you know what it's like to feel like you're alone in the world, like no one cares about you, and like no one is there for you physically. But I- I don't think you know what it's like to be truly alone.
"You know me now, which means that you know a... a scared, but fun loving, joy filled person who doesn't wear glasses because I got my eyesight corrected, who doesn't have spots because of these brilliant things called blemish potions, and I've grown into my nose. At least I assume I have," she said, raising a hand to her nose and wriggling it. "And also, this is all assuming that this is my body and not Daphne's... But anyway... if you'd met me back in school you would have met a geeky, shy, thinks-she's-not-worth-a-damn, shell of a person, so beaten down that I couldn't see the light through the trees.
"I felt like I had no one. But... but I had my imagination, and I had Harry. I had the Harry Potter books to get me through. That's why I know so much. Because I used to read them and dream that I was in this world. Dream that I was meeting the Marauders, or Harry and the Weasleys, and Dumbledore...
"I read them so many times that when my eyes shine gold, it's not a vision, it's just me remembering passages from the books. Harry and those characters were my salvation from everything I went through. When I was locked in my room, Harry, Hermione and Ron were there too. You were there."
"There's the bit in the books where you tell Harry that you escaped to live with the Potters when you were sixteen, and I uh... god it sounds so sad now, but I uh... I used to think about that passage a lot. When I left home at eighteen I imagined you being so proud of me. Which seems ridiculous now that I'm here, with you... But... but they uh- you know my parents locked me up in the house?" Sirius nodded. "That's why the idea of being locked in a tower in this world for a summer is... the idea of not having access to fresh air? Or to see people when I want. Not being able to do anything? Yeah, just... it's not going to happen. And I couldn't do that to you either. I couldn't do that, knowing what you'd go through at Grimmauld Place."
"I was there when you needed me?" Sirius asked so quietly that Bess barely registered what he'd said.
"Yeah."
"I don't want to- I don't want to talk anymore. Not right now. Okay?" Bess nodded in reply, and then he gently rubbed his nose against hers and as he withdrew, he said the words she'd used whenever she was vulnerable and wanted to make love. He said, "I love you, and I want you."
Bess couldn't help her relieved smile. "Sirius."
"Only if you do too. If not, I want the worlds longest hug and a shite ton of chocolate."
Bess let out a small giggle and shook her head. "No, I do. I really, really do. I just... I want to make sure this is really what you want."
He nodded and leant in to rub his nose against hers again. "I'm yours, and you're mine. I'm not going anywhere again."
She nodded and leant up to capture his lips in a slow kiss as she pushed him onto his back, her hands trailing down his chest. He groaned as her fingers brushed the exposed skin between his t-shirt and jeans, lightly tugging at the hem of his top.
"Are you sure about this?" she asked as he pulled his top over his head. "I don't want to push you."
He reached up a hand to cup her jaw. "I'm sure. Are you?"
"Always," Bess whispered, her brown eyes fixed on his grey ones. She allowed herself to stare at him for a few moments as she traced her fingertips over his muscular chest before she leant down and kissed him again.
That night, after making love, they fell asleep entangled in a tight embrace, as if neither wanted to let the other go. They'd not even moved when Jo had returned to the dormitory at nine.
However, when Bess woke up, the curtains around her bed were pulled open, and the side of the bed that Sirius would have been in was empty.
She began to think that she'd dreamt it all, until she saw a little origami bird sitting on her bedside table. As she looked at it, it jumped up and flew over, hovering in front of her. She pulled her wand from underneath her pillow and tapped it. It unfurled itself to reveal Sirius' handwriting. The note was short. So short that Bess thought there'd been a mistake, until she realised that Jo was snoring in the bed across the room, and understood that Sirius would have wanted to make sure that the note didn't fall into the wrong hands.
I didn't want to wake you, but I have to get back to the flat.
D is putting the charm in place today.
James still.
See you tomorrow.
S x
Bess lay back against her pillows as she thought over his note, and wondered how he knew that she'd want to make sure that James was still the secret keeper. She hadn't given him the password to her diary yet, so he couldn't know that the person close to them all who'd betrayed them was Peter. She wondered if he suspected everyone now.
In that moment, she was glad that she'd already added an additional protection spell to Peter's name in her notebook, so that they wouldn't be able to stumble across it by accident when she did allow them all access.
With that worry sorted in her mind, her thoughts turned to something heart-breaking - she remembered that tomorrow, when the students flooded back to school, she'd have to publicly break up with Sirius, and it would start two and a half agonising months of sneaking around until they could be together in the summer.
Unless they catch Delbert first, she thought, as she rolled over, clutching Sirius' note, and fell back to sleep, safe in the knowledge that although she knew their conversation wasn't over, on some level, he understood why she'd kept everything from him. She was also incredibly relieved that Sirius now knew everything that would happen to him - if she did die this summer, he would be able to, hopefully, take the correct steps to ensure his future didn't involve Azkaban.
So that if everything went wrong, if the last Horcrux remained hidden and Dumbledore had no choice but to allow the timeline to continue as it should have been, at least Sirius would know to be the main secret keeper, and not swap with anyone else.
At least she hoped he would.
xXx
A/N: Over the next few chapters we'll be skipping time quite quickly, I'm thinking there'll only be three or four... maybe five? Chapters covering their third term, and then we'll hit the summer. Yay!
Thank you to everyone who's favourited, followed and read, and thank you to everyone who's left reviews since I last posted: Ghost Claw 001, idreamtosmilealways, Guest, CharlotteGryffindor, AvalonRivers, HorseGirl16, ameliaweber6!