A/N: The kimono outfits for team RWBY are based on sumiwow's art designs on Tumblr. Kudos to the creator of the Japanese-style RWBY artwork.
P.S.: Takes place a couple hours after the last review episode.
In this thirty-seventh non-canon review episode, after team RWBY and the others return to the Samurai Kingdom after their visit the Glade of Ninjas, Blake and Weiss now decide to review another movie and collaborate with Natsume whilst in Baiken's castle called Forest Warrior, involving Chuck Norris' character turning into a bear. Nuff said.
EDO ISLAND
1:30 PM
After RWBY, Baiken, Ibuki and the others return to the Samurai Kingdom after their visit to the Glade of Ninjas and had lunch at Kuradoberi Jam's restaurant (which was now finished rebuilding after Baiken's battle against Jack-O' last night), they decide to spend time exploring the kingdom while team RWBY, Ohana, Natsume, Baiken and the latter's friends spend time in the female samurai's castle home.
At this time, Baiken, Ibuki, Jam, May, Millia and Inori had helped team RWBY find wonderful outfits to wear for their stay on Edo Island, as Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss go and decide to try them out in their washitsu guest room on the castle's second floor while Natsume and the other girls wait outside the room.
"Okay, girls. How's it going in there?", asked Natsume.
Ohana anticipates, "Almost done?"
"In a moment...", Ruby said from inside the room, "Okay... They fit. Looks like we're all good to go."
Baiken said, "Let's have a look."
"Here we go.", Ruby said before she opened the shoji door for Baiken, Ibuki, Natsume, Ohana, Jam, May, Millia and Inori to see Team RWBY's kimono outfits.
Ruby's kimono was dark-bluish and had a floral design with long drooping sleeves up to her wrists, while she wore a lovely green Japanese hairpin with small roses adorned on it, as well as white socks and waraji sandals on her feet.
Yang wore a yellow obi wrapped around her breast area, and while she had no kimono covering the top part of her body and her arms, she had yellow bandages wrapped on her upper arms and a orange patern-like scarf wrapped around her neck. Her hair stayed intact, and her kimono was also a floral design with red, orange and yellow colors (mainly grey-green) with a blue sash with white circles is wrapped around her abdomen. Yellow bandages even were wrapped on her legs, ankles, heels and part of the arches of her feet, leaving the other half of her soles and her toes completely barefoot.
Blake's was purple with a dark floral pattern seen on her kimono's extensive sleeves and is adorned with two purple wildflowers added and attached to a red obi wrapped around her outfit. Though her hair was also intact, she also had a dark ribbon with a bell wrapped around her neck, black ribbons are wrapped around her legs, and she had worn geta sandals on her bare feet.
And lastly, Weiss' outfit was the most graceful out of all them. While she had wore a purple Japanese hairpin with a yellow lotus attached to it, her kimono was sky-blue while the white floral design was on the extensive sleeves like Blake's, with a tan pattern-like obi having three sunflowers of different colors and a fan and a pink ribbon packed inside her obi, and also wearing white socks and geta sandals too.
"So? What do you think?", Ibuki, Inori and Baiken question in unison.
Ruby examines her outfit, "They look amazing! I love it!"
"So do I! The bandages seem neat and it's been a while since I last went barefoot despite the bandages wrapped on my feet.", describes Yang.
Ibuki ensures, "Yang, I wear bandages on my feet and legs. I got used to it after I worn my kunoichi outfit for the first time."
"Despite that, I love it as well.", the blonde huntress impressed.
Blake and Weiss rose their hands after liking their outfits whilst they held hands, "Same as above!"
"Glad you all like it. It's part of the culture here on Edo Island.", Millia Rage smiled.
May and Jam giggled, "Although we sometimes wear our kimonos, our initial outfits like your usual ones are still fine by us!"
"Even I liked my kimono.", Inori said, examining her orange kimono, "Like I said before, it's one of the beautiful things we have here on this island."
Natsume thumbs up with her prosthetic arm and Australian accent, "No wuckers! Now we're sure to have a g'day spending time here."
"Yes, of course.", Blake and Weiss nodded.
The ginger-haired girl then came over to the Faunus and the Schnee girl, "Girls, there's something I was hoping we could do for a crossover review. If it's not a bother."
"Uh, Ruby? Yang? I think it's our turn for another review.", Blake and Weiss said to Ruby, Yang, Baiken, Ibuki and the other girls.
Ruby groaned, "I thought the four of us could go out and meet the others in our temporarily new apparel..."
"Well, I reviewed a movie earlier today with Ann and Futaba while you guys explored, so...", recounted Yang.
Ohana said, "Reasonable."
"We're not bludgers, love. You guys and I tend to review stuff just for the fun of it all.", says Natsume in her Australian accent.
The leader of team RWBY sighed after hesitation before deciding, "Okay. Meet us over near the castle once you're done and we can go on with our afternoon with the others."
"Fair enough.", Blake said, "Wish we could go but how could we say no to friends like her and these?"
Weiss nodded, "Plus, since I and Blake are in love, I think it'll be the perfect opportunity to have a private time together as well, if possible."
"I'm not LGBT myself, but I respect that yet I found out unusual at first when I saw you two kiss.", reminded Natsume of the time they arrived on the island, "But you make very good lovebirds, to be honest."
Ruby's elder sister tells them, "Glad to see we're all getting along. Anyways, you girls have fun. We'll be going around for a bit, so you can meet up later."
"Alrighty then. See ya!", Blake and Weiss smiled as they saw Ruby, Yang, Ohana, Ibuki, Baiken and the latter's friends go off downstairs and out of sight; the latter white-haired heiress then turned to Natsume and asked as they were walking to the Japanese-Aussie's chosen washitsu guest room, "So, what movie are you recommending this time, Natsume?"
Natsume pondered, "I was thinking we could do a Chuck Norris film for once, by any chance?"
"Chuck Norris? You mean the legendary action star that many people made claims of impossible feats he can do?", the black-haired Faunus presumes, "We've heard he's one of the greatest action stars of all time..."
The ginger-haired girl nods, "Indeed he was. Action films like Missing in Action, Expendables 2, The Delta Force and Silent Rage, as well as some martial films back in the 70s and 80s."
"Not to mention, Ruby, Miria, Mika and Celty told us they made a reference about him during their Alone in the Dark review.", said the female Faunus.
Natsume also reported, "Besides that and the fact he hasn't made a lot of films lately, at one point he was sort of gay bashing."
"Gay bashing?", the Schnee heiress asks, "What do you mean?"
The Japanese-Australian teen said, "Yeah, he wanted to keep gays out of the boy scouts, he hated same-sex marriage, and he lashed out against what he calls pro gay school propaganda?"
"What?! Preposterous! How could a legendary action star hate same-sex marriage. We both are in love, and we're not even close to getting married yet!", Blake and Weiss opposed.
Natsume scratched her head with her prosthetic right arm in her Australian accent, "Nah yeah, I wouldn't call the Yankie martial artist a flog though..."
"Well, we gotta say... We think he's just misunderstood! Everyone's jumping to conclusions here and there.", the black-haired huntress presumed as she places a hand on their friend's shoulder, "Natsume, we have got to cement this image of Chuck Norris that everyone grew up with!"
The ginger-haired girl wondered, "How?", as the three of them enter her chosen washitsu guest room.
"If only the world knew he just wants people to be as perfect as he is.", sighed the white-haired huntress.
Natsume said as she rested her head on her hand in consideration, "Yeah, I guess. Maybe he just wants everyone to have a little Chuck Norris in them."
"We suppose so... I think everyone is trying to do well in restoring dignity back to his name with all his feats and cult followings.", said Blake and Weiss.
The Japanese-Aussie teenager then proceeded, "So, let's take a look at one of his underrated films known as Forest Warrior, or if you prefer, Chuck Norris wants to put himself in hard wood."
"I do prefer, Film Brain. I do prefer.", smiled the Faunus and the Schnee girl, before they turned the TV on to set up the movie Forest Warrior for them to review.
Blake Belladonna, Weiss Schnee and Natsume's Commentary of Forest Warrior (Part 1)
Natsume began in her Aussie accent, "This movie was produced at the height of action stars making movies with environmental messages... Well, Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal anyway. You might recall Seagal directing On Deadly Ground where he blew up an oil rig for the good of the environment. Yeah, you try and figure that one out."
"This film, however, is not directed by Chuck Norris, but rather his younger brother Aaron, the director of the humble and meek classic Sidekicks. I can just see how that conversation went.", Blake then told.
The ginger-haired girl prepared, "So are you ready to give yourself to the spirit of the mountain like the outback?"
"Only if Chuck Norris is putting himself in it.", said Weiss.
Natsume giggled, "This is Forest Warrior.", as they play the movie.
Forest Warrior
"We open with a bunch of 90s haircuts listening to a story told by the narrator of Babe.", introduced Blake as the movie's narrator told about an Indian girl who fell sick while waiting for Chuck Norris' character at a cabin in the mountain, as the film showed Chuck Norris' character wearing a Native American outfit, "Yes, after picking up a costume from Epcot Native American World. Seriously, his name is Jedediah McKenna, but I think Jedediah Springfield had more dignity than him in that getup."
Natsume assumes in her Australian accent, "He doesn't seem to be carrying any medicine either. What, was the water jug medicine? Do they have liquid either profane back then?"
"Don't worry, she's not actually a character.", composures Weiss as the movie cuts to a night scene with a rainstorm whilst the narrator recounted a gang of cutthroats hired by timber agents were waiting for the girl so that they wanted to use their trees for railroad ties, "Yes, and as we all know, there's no other trees in the Pacific North West."
The Aussie-Japanese girl answered, "Well, none were stable. Not to mention The Happening, which was completely far out.", before they listen to the movie's narrator as he said McKenna could sense danger but he was too late, "He sensed the danger because it was right next to him! How could he miss that guy? Is Chuck Norris too manly to slightly look down? Might be blind drunk if you ask me."
"Thankfully, he has the Native-American kung-fu to fight them off with.", summarizes the female Faunus as the narrator told he fought the way of the Indian by plunging, spinning, grappling and swirling.
Natsume confused, "Isn't that also the way that ballerinas fight?", before she tried holding in her laughter.
"And all those poor cutthroats have are their useless guns.", disappointed Blake.
The Schnee heiress sighs, "I suppose they could hit him with their handles or use them as spears, but, I'm sorry, they're completely useless against Chuck's fists of awesomeness!"
"I'm just amazed he ran a marathon, yet somehow, he's still able to take on six armed men.", commented the ginger-haired teen.
The black-haired huntress punctuated, "Well, it's Chuck Norris. For him, fighting six guys is like the water you drink in the middle of a run."
"But in a strange twist, Chuck Norris ends up dying in the first five minutes.", described Natsume when the cutthroat shot McKenna.
Blake and Weiss shockingly exclaimed, "WHAT?!"
"Yep. He gets axed off pretty early when they finally remember how to use their guns. Crikey! I mean, what is that crap?!", the Japanese-Australian exasperated in her straya accent.
The white-haired huntress doubted, "Oh, gods. Tell me he doesn't spend the rest of the movie pursuing Demi Moore like the Best Picture-nominated Ghost and somehow winning Whoopi Goldberg an Oscar..."
"Nup. Instead, a bear drags him to Ferngully, where forest magic literally brings him back to life. Although, in reality, this bear would probably be using his beard for dunny paper.", Natsume spoke in her Aussie accent again.
Weiss said, "It does look unnaturally absorbent.", as the three watch the animals bring McKenna back to life.
"I think the narrator is like, 'Oh, sorry, children. I accidentally mixed this up with the story of Manimal, but while we're at it, did you want to hear about a hero so powerful he only lasted one season?'", imitated the ginger-haired teenager.
Blake then mimicked when they watch the narrator dismissed his story with the kids listening, "Lamest meeting of the Midnight Society ever.", while one of the kids in the film ask what a shapeshifter meant.
"Well, I'll give you a clue. It's in the bloody word.", replied Natsume, just when the narrator tells them McKenna could transform into the animals that saved him and one of the kids saying it was sad that McKenna never saw his wife again yet smiling when saying it; she, Blake and Weiss looked confused as they all said in unison, "Then why are you smiling?"
The Faunus synopsizes, "We see later a town meeting going on about a lumber company who's looking to, what else, cut down the trees.", as the film's villain, Travis, tells the townsfolk about bringing prosperity to Tanglewood and then suggesting a harvesting proposal that he would believe would benefit the town as the audience applauded before it cuts to a country band playing, "That guy must be thinking, 'Hey, now, I ordered a hoedown. I'm pretty sure this is a hootenanny.'"
"That's Terry Kiser from Weekend at Bernie's as the bad guy, making it clear there are worse roles you can get than playing a dead guy throughout an entire film. He even has Bulk and Skull-style sidekicks.", the Aussie-Japanese girl informed before the three see the narrator attending the party Travis and the community were holding as he retold that Travis was driven with nothing but greed, "Bringing in the streets when he can help a dead town?", scoffing, "What a wanker."
The heiress replied when the kids that were listening to the narrator's story were present at the party, "Boy, these kids seem bizarrely interested in the politics of lumber labor."
"What kid would give a crap about this? They're more concerned about what Pokémon they're going to trade next. Unless the woods are Sudowoodo trees, I don't think they would care much.", Natsume conjectures in her Australian accent, while another snippet showed a girl named Austen meeting with her father.
"While the kid's father, played by Michael Beck, shows up late as apparently he's been getting drunk all night.", Blake outlined.
The ginger-haired teen said in her Australian accent again, "Yeah, I'd be drink with the flies too, if I was in Xanadu."
"She takes him home, sits him on the couch, and prays to...not the gods, not Buddha, but the mountain to help her in her time of need.", Weiss describes the next part of the film.
The black-haired huntress imagined, "I bet the mountain itself would be saying to her, 'Sorry, kid, but I'm a mountain. I just kind of stand here.'", adding, "Even the constellation of stars in the same scene would say, 'What do you think? Shall we send Clarence again?', 'Uh, you know you destroyed space and time with that old reality shit?', 'Good point. Let's just send one of our dollar store spirits.', 'Oh, you mean like Chuck Norris?', 'Ah, that's still one.'", as McKenna in the film listened to Austen's prayers and said amen.
"So we see the kids are going up for a hike to the mountain...unsupervised, because, any kid can handle a fucking mountain...as her mother watches in confusion about why she has a mushroom cut.", the white-haired huntress continued.
Natsume pointed out, "Now to be fair, that is more of a jellyfish cut."
"I'll name the stupid 90s haircuts around here.", the white-haired girl told.
The Japanese-Australian resumed, "This, of course, leads to our villains with their amazingly cartoony musical theme.", as the girls listen to the villain's cartoony-like theme.
"Wow. I've heard more subtle music when Wile E. Coyote is thinking up a plan.", reacted Blake.
Natsume shrugs, "Well, of course, it doesn't help the villain is just as cartoony as the music is.", as they saw another scene with Travis in the film, "Could we just cut to the Rich Texan guy from The Simpsons or whenever he's onscreen?"
"Now like our kids going through their trip is anything less subtle...", Weiss recounted before they witness the kids hiking before they saw the girl stop to tie her shoes as the others look at her and smiled, as she and Blake reacted, "What the hell was that?"
The female Faunus imitates, "I think the girl's like, 'Wow! I'm tying my shoe! Can you believe I'm actually tying my shoe? Oh, what a wonderful adventure that was!'", making her Schnee girlfriend giggle happily as the two kiss shortly whilst Natsume rolled her eyes in amusement.
"But then, suddenly, one goes walkabout from the group...only to literally be found a few seconds later. What was the point of that? He loses them despite the fact they were only three steps behind him, and he just locates them a moment later.", problematically said the ginger-haired teenager.
The Schnee heiress guessed, "Maybe they were building up he was about to be surrounded by Ewoks or something."
"So on their Playground to Terabithia, they seem to come across something growling inside.", summated Natsume as they saw the kids stumble to the ground and scream constantly as they saw something mysterious was scanning across the treehouse.
The black-haired huntress responded, "Just get up, you fucking idiots!"
"Does your fear rend your legs immobile? I dunno, but I don't think it would.", supposes the Japanese-Aussie.
The white-haired huntress then says, "But it turns out it was just a baby bear the whole time. Boy, good thing he wasn't covered in shit."
"By the way, have you noticed something kind of important missing from this Chuck Norris movie?", thought Natsume.
Blake and Weiss ask, "Chuck Norris?"
"Chuck Norris!", argued the ginger-haired teen, "He's only gone a few minutes of screen time and hasn't even had any dialogue yet. If I wanted to see kids play with a bear cub, I would've rented The Amazing Panda Adventure."
Both huntresses said in unison, "No, you wouldn't have."
"Well, I would've in spirit. It is a Warner Bros. Family Entertainment movie and did have the Carrotblanca short when it first came out.", Natsume proved.
Blake continued nevertheless, "But it looks like the evil loggers have located him.", whilst they saw three loggers with guns searching for something in the forest as they had a conversation about poaching fishes.
"Oh, so those loggers also double as random poachers, too? Clearly part of the hiring criteria for this company.", the Australian-Japanese girl mistaken.
The Faunus said, "Oh, no, Natsume. Clearly you should know that when you hire evil henchmen, you need to have all your bases covered."
"So while the bear makes the sound that Chuck Norris makes when he puts himself into every man...", Weiss summarized as they heard the bear in the movie's following excerpt groaning in pain, "...Not getting that sound out of your head anytime soon...", continuing, "...the kids stop the loggers from killing the bear."
Natsume describes next when the kids try to save the bear as the loggers were about to shoot the girl protecting it, but an eagle swoops in and transforms into McKenna, attacking the loggers; "Not if Eagle Chuck Norris has anything to say about it, as because this movie doesn't have the budget for shapeshifting, we have to be impressed by Chuck's magical jump-cutting power."
"Look at this kid. She doesn't know if she's supposed to look blown away or disturbingly confused. She would be like, 'Neat, I guess.'", the black-haired huntress noticed when they saw Austen watching McKenna fight the loggers.
The ginger-haired teenager synopsized, "The loggers run away as Forest Warrior comforts the girl by telling her about the bear.", as McKenna sits next to Austen as she petted the bear.
"I bet he'd say, 'It's okay. Your fairy beard mother is here.'", mimicked the white-haired heiress huntress.
Natsume included, "And also, 'And when he grows up, you'll be his dinner, but until then, this is perfectly serviceable.'"
"Meanwhile, our villains continue to tear down the forest.", abstracts Blake as a later scene had a guy meeting up with Travis as the latter told him of the memories where he used to play in the treehouse the kids were in before he told him that they will get rid of it.
The Japanese-Australian shocked, "Whoa! There was almost character development there. Oh, well! Back to your darting and shooting guns off."
"Speaking of which, we see the Get-Along Gang making their oath to the mountain. Again, as kids do.", Weiss suggests to her friends.
Natsume then confessed in her Australian accent, "I also love how the shots of the mother is just taken from the earlier scene of her outside the servo. Has she just been standing there for hours?", when seeing shots in the film of the narrator and the petrol station mother from earlier.
"Wonder where we've seen that before...", the Faunus pondered before advancing, "They continue just to do what normal kids do...but made an oath to do so, so somehow, it seems more important...as they all go fishing."
The ginger-haired teen recapitulated, "So while the children go fishing, Chuck Norris saves a raccoon. Just in case you've forgot, he was Forest Warrior. While the loggers set explosives to blow the treehouse up, because nothing beats a good bit of potential manslaughter."
"Seriously, he sees them playing in the lake, so he assumes they're not gonna be back there.", the heiress worried during this part.
Blake supported Weiss' opinion, "But it's, like, a good while before it finally goes off. How does he know fucking anybody that couldn't have gone back there by that point?! He wouldn't be able to get away with this anywhere else! It's like someone in a demolition crew being in the blast zone after detonation!"
"People should really follow workplace guidelines nowadays. Happens everytime...", Weiss sighed, with Blake and Natsume nodding.
To be continued...