Illusion is Reality

Chapter 149

-For he's a jolly good fellow-

"Ugh. I can't believe I messed that up." I groaned, facing the wall and lying myself flat against it.

Xanthar poked my back and pressed me further against the wall, applying some pressure and slowly sliding me up and around said wall. Pyronica was still cackling, "-right onto the ground! Ahahaha! Like… just tossed it and it just splatted! Ahahaha!"

"It was really easy to get in. Like, I think their security's gotten worse." Kryptos muttered. "I've noticed that the guards weren't even really paying attention."

"Duh. They've gotten complacent since we've left them alone for so long." Pyronica drawled. "A mistake on their part."

"Well… considering we've gone from pranking them once every few weeks to maybe once every few decades… er… actually… I think that's the first time we've directly gone to Time Baby's place in… fuck, I don't even remember..." Teeth sat down and trailed off. "Wow. I feel old now."

"""Same.""" Everyone else chorused.

My bricks slid against the walls of the house as Xanthar slid me around. He was very entertained by it, so I didn't bother moving away. He slid me down from the wall and onto the ground, where he pushed me to slide across the floor. This is why I kept the Death Star so clean. I wouldn't have allowed such a thing otherwise. I slid over and bumped into 8-Ball's foot. He chuckled and reached down to push me back at Xanthar. The loaf pushed me back at 8-Ball.

Teeth joined in, intercepting me from getting to 8-Ball and shoving me over in Pyronica's direction. She used a hand to flick me towards Keyhole, who squeaked and dodged out of the way. Xanthar stepped over to catch me in hand and push me off again.

"...are we seriously doing this?" Kryptos twitched. "Bill's not a toy?"

"He's not complaining." Teeth laughed as he caught me by a corner and spun me across the floor. I let out an, "AwaaAawaAaaAwaaaa~" As I spun around.

"Just feels undignified." Kryptos watched me slide past him.

"Dude, you've watched Bill wear maid uniforms out in public."

Kryptos blushed. "That's different."

I slid past him again. "This is actually kinda fun-" I was caught by 8-Ball and then pushed past him again. "Like a less intense roller coaster."

Pyronica picked up Kryptos with one hand. "Do you slide around like that too?" The compass sputtered. "No! I'm thicker than Bill is!"

"And far less frictionless." Ammy noted, running a hand down Kryptos's back. The compass shuddered. "What about you?" Kryptos shot back. "Could we slide you around?"

"..." Ammy stared at Kryptos before laying himself down on the ground. "Push me."

PaciFire hesitantly nudged Ammy with a foot. He slid a few inches, his various different blocks getting caught up on each other and slowing him down. "...it appears I am not quite as frictionless as mother." Ammy concluded. "Pity."

"Well you all have fun, I'm gonna watch tv. We didn't get to beat anyone up, and I'm annoyed." Pyronica paused to fling me off back to Xanthar before plopping herself down on the couch and clicking on said tv. "If we're going out, call me. Otherwise, I'm gonna be catching up on the newest porn streams from the Penis Planet."

I allowed myself to remain limp as everyone started up a game of Bill Ball, eventually picking me up and tossing me through the air at each other. I closed my eye and enjoyed the sensation of being flung around. It was almost like playing on a swing set, but more directional. "Just gonna say, if any of you drop me, you're all grounded." I told them as I flopped into 8-Ball's hands. "And by that, I mean I'm gonna bury you in my garden for a few hours."

"Sure thing." 8-Ball grinned easily enough. Keyhole huffed. "You guys better not mess up your throw, I don't wanna get buried again. It's so cold down there."

"Says you, I think it's actually pretty comfortable." Hectorgon raised his arms and caught me when 8-Ball tossed me in his direction. He held me up with his hands under my armpits and bounced me up and down. "Yup." Hectorgon noted. "Bill's been shrinking a little each time we toss him."

"So he'll get harder to catch over time. Got it." PaciFire raised his hands, motioning for Hectorgon to toss me in his direction. I was thrown, spinning through the air and caught in his hands. Then he tossed me to Teeth. This continued for a while, with me shrinking smaller and smaller. "Um…" Keyhole stared at me in his hands. I was around the size of a quarter now. "I think we need to stop. Soon we won't even be able to see him anymore."

"Quit being a little bitch and toss 'em." Teeth held his hands up, taunting him. "Or are you scared that you're gonna be the one to drop him~"

"I don't know why you're so confident considering you're freaking blind." Keyhole muttered before tossing me through the air. I let out a high, squeaky, "Weeeee~!" as I spun.

"Dude, Bill glows." Teeth easily moved his hands to watch me. "He is the EASIEST thing to photo-recept." Teeth glanced around to the other people he could easily 'see'. Pyronica wasn't playing, so she was out. But Ammy glowed too. "Ammy, catch!" He tossed me in my son's direction.

Ammy raised his hands, and missed as I flew past the tiny round tassels. "Ah." Ammy glanced down as I landed in one of his blocks. And then I was somewhere else. I plopped down, flying out from a block that Ammy had discarded…. Somewhere, in the multiverse. I landed with a little splash into the water. "The heck?" I kicked my little legs and swam up to the surface. "Where the heck am I?"

The area was almost entirely water, aside from a small island with one of Ammy's blocks perched on the rocks facing the ocean. It was a lovely place. I wonder when he came here? I swam over to the island and climbed out onto the beach. It was quiet here, aside from the sound of the wind and waves. I sat down on the sand and just looked out into the ocean. It was… nice. I closed my eye and felt the warm breeze on my bricks. Hm. Have to ask Ammy if we can bring everyone here for a swim day. I grew back to my usual size and relaxed.

I Flickered to see what everyone was doing in my absence.

8-Ball was reaching into one of Ammy's blocks, all the way up to his shoulder. "I can't feel him…"

"Wait, did Bill fall into a storage block… or a transport bloc- ouch!" Hectorgon was reaching into another one of Ammy's blocks, wincing and pulling back to show that he got his fingers caught in some thorns. "Where the heck did you leave this one?!"

"Ah. The dimension of sharp things." Ammy tilted his 'head'. "I meant for that one to be how I defend myself from enemies." (I silently approved.)

"You don't think Bill went there… do you?" Keyhole worried. Pyronica, it seemed she'd been dragged back into the conversation, sighed. "If he did, he would have been back by now."

"So where could he be?" Kryptos looked like he wanted to reach into one of Ammy's blocks to help search. "...um… aside from the dimension of sharp things, do any more of your other blocks lead to anywhere… dangerous?" He asked slowly.

Ammy stared. "Define, dangerous?"

"Yeah, I'm not reaching my hand in there." Kryptos deadpanned.

"Ok, get the grabby stick." Hectorgon, wise with his age, hopped off to click a few buttons on a screen against the wall to make a panel slide open, revealing various tools and equipment. A new security feature we added to the Death Star in case of attack. He flipped through the items, sliding them away until he found the grabby stick.

It was merely a long stick with a handle you could squeeze to make the dinosaur head on the other end open and close its mouth. He stuck the toy long distance object retrieval tool into one of Ammy's blocks and moved it around. "I don't feel any resistance, so there's nothing dangerous…. right?

"False. The threats could simply be too small or low for you to reach." Ammy floated there, not helping any of them to find me at all. Keyhole let out a frustrated sound. "You could just tell us which ones are dangerous or not?"

Ammy stared unblinkingly at him. "I don't want to."

"Auuuugghhhhhh!"

"Well… since Bill's not back yet, it's either someplace that's perfectly fine, and he's having a good time there… or he's been captured or something?" Kryptos got another grabby stick and poke it into another block. Everyone jumped when it let out a BRRRRRRRR grinding sound and Kryptos pulled the stick back to find the end was gone. "...Ammy…"

"Ah. The Shred-a-tron is still there." Ammy looked down at that particular block. "Be careful not to stick your hand in that one." He said, pointing at a block that looked no different from any of his others.

Everyone took a collective step back.

"Why does Bill let him keep that?"

"Well. I think we should always be using grabby sticks when inspecting Ammy from now on." Pyronica drawled. "And also… can we use the shredder for cleaning?"

"It is meant for self defence or food preparation. It would be too much trouble to clean if you put all the take out containers in there." Ammy floated a little farther from Pyronica. She laughed. "Awww~ does Ammy not want a baaaath~?"

"I have no issue with bathing. It's simply too much trouble emptying the water out."

I wondered if I should head home so they stopped worrying?

"Mew?"

I blinked back to myself. I looked around and found…

"Omigosh!" I gasped. There were catfish poking their heads out of the ocean, mewling at me. I scooted closer, crawling through the sand to reach the water's edge. "Hello widdle guys~"

"Mew~" The catfishes waved their fins at me. I crept closer. "Hiiiiii babies~" I reached into the water and one of them swam up to nibble on my fingers. "Ehehehe that tickles~"

I scooted closer to start petting them. Because they were right there. And adorable. And I wanted to. "Who's a sweetie? You are!" I cooed at them. More and more of them came up to me and began nuzzling and nibbling on my hands. "Aww… you can't eat me you little sillies!"

I guess they thought my fingers were worms?

One of them leapt out of the water and landed on me. I squeaked as it closed it's mouth all the way over my hat and part of the top of my head.

...this was fine...

I continued petting the other catfish while this one gnawed on my head. Yup. Perfectly fine.

Gnaw. Gnaw. Gnaw.

Doesn't hurt at all.

A-ah… it's so cute… but it's teeth are sharp...

I pet them until they got bored of not being able to eat me and swimming away. The one on my head eventually let go and leaped back into the water as well. Did… did it take my hat?!

I sighed. "Fine. Keep it. I'll make a new one."

I figured I'd spent enough time here so I should head back now. I floated back over to Ammy's block, shrinking down to fit inside. I poked myself through with a "BOO!"

To my delight, several of them screamed and jumped back. Ammy, on the other point, merely glanced down. "Welcome home, mother." He looked me up and down. "I see you met the catfishes?"

I chuckled. "Yeah, cute little buggers."

Kryptos had a hand on his front, frowning. "Wait… Ammy… does this mean you knew where Bill went?!"

"Naturally, yes."

"""YOU TOLD US YOU DIDN'T KNOW!""" Everyone screamed. Ammy blinked slowly. "Ah. I lied."

PaciFire and 8-Ball held Pyronica back. "Lemme go, Imma strangle the smug son of a bitch, all the offence, Bill."

"Please don't kill my son, Ronica." I patted her shoulder. ("You've got like three more, just let me strangle this one...")

"Bold of you to assume I need to breathe." Ammy's eyes curved.

"Ammy, quit messing with her. They were all worried." I reached out and took his hand. Ammy looked down at his hand, then up at me, then over at everyone else. "Were you all really that worried?"

"Well, the chances of you actually getting hurt were low, but…" PaciFire said solemnly. "...the worse case scenario would have been, you getting killed and having to take 1000 years to get back to us."

"I'm not that delicate."

"Physically, no." PaciFire poked my side. "Though… if you recall, I shattered you with a single punch."

"That was below the belt and you know it!" I turned orange for a few seconds. He laughed. Keyhole came over to tug on my hand. I glanced down.

"Hey Bill? I know you can't fully die, and all… but please don't let yourself get killed. I would miss you." And then Keyhole did this wobbly mouth expression with his eyes all big and pupper-snuppy-

"Seriously guys. I'm fine." I stretched my arms around to pull everyone in for a hug. "I'm… admittedly suicidal… but I haven't really tried to actively do anything about it for a while. I'm fine."

"You sure?" Kryptos frowned. "Cause all it would take is someone hurting your feelings bad enough-"

"It's fine." I hugged everyone closer. "Seriously, how did we even get on this topic? It's ridiculous. Come on, let's go do something fun instead."

"...yeah. We should." Hectorgon gave everyone a nod. It was a weird nod, with his head bobbing and tilting somewhat. Whatever it meant, the others nodded back. "Maybe play some Maids."

I couldn't help the way my bricks glowed at that. "Can we be in costume?" I asked, eager as could be. Hectorgon paused. Kryptos twitched. Keyhole rolled his eyes, "Are you gonna custom make an outfit for all of them?" Teeth cackled. "Sure."

"""Uuuuuughhhh…""" the other members of the Maid party groaned. Pyronica cackled. "Well, you boys have fun. I'm gonna go back to my porn."

"...can I join you?" Hectorgon asked. "I think I would like some wholesome pornstream and chill." He began hopping towards the couch but Kryptos planted himself in his path with an annoyed set to his frown.

"You're the one who suggested we play Maids." Kryptos accused.

"Well. Yes. But I didn't say I was gonna play this round. You're gonna be starting a new session after Ammy got all of us killed last time anyway."

"In my defense." Ammy blinked. "I didn't realize reanimating the skeletons in the Master's basement would lead to the undead uprising."

"Ok. Ground rules for this next session," Keyhole deadpanned. "Ammy isn't allowed to raise the dead."

"Oh darn." Ammy almost sounded disappointed. "There goes my necromancy build idea."

"Dude, we roll to get our Skills anyway. If you DO get Necromancy again, you're just going to have to roll a new character."

Ammy was suspiciously silent. Keyhole poked his side. "Ammy…" He said slowly, "Have you been cheating your rolls?"

"It's not cheating if I know how to roll whatever numbers I want. It's merely an application of physics, momentum and probability." Ammy corrected.

"You damn dirty cheater!" Kryptos gasped. He leaned in. "Teach me how you do it."

"Nope! No one should be cheating their rolls! That's not fair!" Teeth complained. I nudged him with an elbow. "You're just annoyed you still haven't gotten to play a Demon Maid yet."

"I wanna be a demon so baaaad~" Teeth wailed.

"I mean… It's not like they get anything super cool in relation to their stats?" Kryptos rolled his eye.

"It's the principle of the thing!" Teeth pointed at me. "Like, Bill doesn't even look like a demon, but he's still one."

"The horns and stuff only apply to certain species… and any demonic looking 'traits' don't necessarily mean Demon." I waved a hand between where PaciFire and Pyronica were. "Case in point, Paci's a demon-imp. And while Pyronica LOOKS like a demon, her species isn't technically classified as such."

"Hang on." PaciFire spoke up. "Speaking of classifications, are your children demons too? I didn't think Ammy was a demon?"

"No one knows what Ammy is. Even Time Baby's records just list him as [?] in all their databases." Hectorgon turned somewhat on the couch to follow the conversation. "They're not worrying over it so much because they consider him harmless."

"I could try to be harm-more?" Ammy blinked.

I patted his shoulder-ish area. "It's fine if they don't see you as a threat. Makes you more effective at espionage."

"What if I stole their keys? Would they take me seriously then?" Ammy asked, entirely solemn.

Hectorgon chuckled. "Probably? But I think Bill is right. The less they know about you, the better."

"...Ah… then I should return these…" Ammy held up a lanyard with keycards. I… Didn't even question how he got them. I spotted the name, [Dundgren] and giggled. He stole from a time police officer. I'm so proud.

"Well anyway, I should get the dresses out and-" I was interrupted by something that hadn't really happened in a while. My bowtie buzzed in a summoning from Time Baby. I glanced down and groaned. "Damn. He probably wants to yell at me for throwing soup all over his floor."

"You could just ignore the summons?" Keyhole looked worried. Everyone looked rather disgruntled actually.

"He'd be even more annoyed if I did. Might as well get this over with." I grumbled. I blinked away to where the summons was coming from and found myself in Time Baby's personal chambers. I glanced around. We were alone. Of course. As per usual. "What?"

But he wasn't screaming at me. He was just… watching me. It was starting to get uncomfortable. "What? I'm busy! Just tell me what you want so we can get over this."

"WHY DID YOU STOP RAMPAGING?"

I was a little taken aback. "What?"

"WHY DID YOU STOP RAMPAGING?" He repeated.

"Cause I didn't feel like it anymore." I muttered.

Time Baby gave me an incredulous look. "I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LYING."

"It's only half a lie." I amended. "I just… didn't know… what I was allowed to do anymore."

He looked even more incredulous. "YOU'VE NEVER CARED ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE OR WEREN'T ALLOWED TO DO."

"Well, I decided I should."

Time Baby looked deep in thought. I got bored of watching his dumb face and went to sit down on his desk, idly playing with one of his paperweights.

"I SHOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS. BUT WHY DOES THIS FEEL WRONG?" He finally said.

I shrugged. "Hell if I know how you feel about shit."

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT ALLOWANCES."

"You're the one who always yelled at me to stay in line." I shot back. "Why're you complaining when I actually do?"

Time Baby struggled. "I…."

I didn't care anymore. I stopped caring about what Time Baby thought of me ages ago. When I gave up on him ever being Family. "If you're just here to complain about finally getting what you wanted, and not liking it, then I'm leaving." I floated off his desk and debated if I should fuck up his room just for the heck of it. Then I sighed. Nah, it wasn't worth the effort.

"I NEED YOU TO MESS WITH MY SOLDIERS!"

I turned. "ExCUSE me?!"

"THEY'VE GOTTEN COMPLACENT AND LAZY WITHOUT YOU KEEPING THEM ON THEIR TOES!" Time Baby told me. I just stared. "...um...deal with your own problems. The competency of your staff is not my responsibility."

"THE MULTIVERSE IS STAGNATING!" Time Baby continued. "YOU NEED TO GO OUT THERE AND PUSH THEM! BOTHER THEM. SCARE THEM. GET THEM TO STOP BEING COMPLACENT!"

"...what… the literal fuck…" I rubbed the bricks around my eye. "First, you yell at me all the time about how much trouble I'm causing, and call me evil for doing what I do, and tell me that I should just fall in line and follow orders and-" I stopped, I mimed a deep breath. "You know what? No. I'm not doing this. Fuck you. You don't get to tell me that I shouldn't do a thing, and then come right around and tell me, 'oh heeeeey Bill~ how about you actually do that thing that I've been treating you horribly for doing now that it's actually USEFUL to me?!'" I spat. "Train your men yourself!"

"YOU… YOU LIKE MESSING WITH MY SOLDIERS! YOU LIKE MESSING WITH PEOPLE!"

"..." I couldn't believe this. "Fuck you. Bye." I turned my back on him and Blinked away.

I was in a really terrible mood. And my friends all noticed immediately. Teeth winced. "Um… you wanna take some time to cool off before the game?"

I was gonna snap about how I didn't care, then I rubbed my eye. "You might be right… I'm in no mood to socialize right now…"

Xanthar shuffled over and enveloped me in his fur. I sighed. "Ok… I'm… I'm gonna…" I twitched. "No, I don't think I can handle cuddling right now either… I'm… I need to leave… I should be back soon…" I was so irritated. The unhappy feelings were roiling inside me in a way that I knew from experience meant I was only a hair away from a meltdown. And I wasn't going to do that here, around them. I Blinked away before they could say anything else, safer that way. They wouldn't have time to evacuate.

I reappeared in the middle of the Nightmare Realm. A few Nightmares were roaming around, carefree and filled with rage as always. I floated there for a moment.

And then I snapped.

"A̱̞̝͎̗̙͚H̸͇̟̝̗͙̳H̡͉͙̜͈͎̭̭H̛̖͕̠ͅH̪̬̮͖H͍̪̤͢͢H҉͚͖̮̼̰Ḩ͚H̡͔̗͈̝̦̺͠ͅH̬̓̃̽̇̌͛͒ͅH͇̞̪͉̯̙͒̈ͨ̽͌̆ͨ̆̚H͍̳̫̥͈͙̠̉ͧ̈͜H͂͆̓ͨ͆̇̔ͥ̽҉̶͇̫̪͇͘ͅͅḪ̛̻̯̯͇̜̤͓̼͖̮̖̥̮̏̇̒̈ͭ̎͐ͩ̃̂͆̊ͩͧͪͦ̀̃̓͡ͅH͌ͯ͊̆ͮ̊̎̅ͯ͋ͧ̂ͦ̽̓̚҉̢̗̪̞̤̠͙̥̥̦͙̖͍̙H̢̢͇̩͈̘͊ͧ̑ͮ̎͆̍ͮ̈́̐̎ͭ͝H͔̜͙̗̤̤͈̱͉̥̲̤̭̗͚̙̋ͤ̅̽̔͑͆̈̊̅̿̂̋̔͘͢͝ͅ!"

I screamed and flames burst out, scorching the land around me before it immediately grew back to be burned to dust once more. I punched the upside-down mountain and screeched when it didn't fully disintegrate under my touch. I raged and raged, destroying every-sing-last-thing in here over and over and-

-and eventually, I calmed down.

I sat on a floating rock, heaving and shaking.

I looked down at everything I destroyed. I laid down on my back and closed my eye.

I haven't gotten any better at all.

Still unable to find a non-destructive way to handle my emotions. I just… needed to break things. And that wasn't good. I knew it wasn't good. I felt better, my energy was calm after getting to be used. But I still felt awful. I stared up at the vibrant sky and wondered what I was supposed to do?

...maybe talk to Linda...

...yeah, that… might be good...

"Miz?" Linda blinked when I called her. "Hi…" I said dully. She frowned. "You're… a triangle?"

"This is my true-ish form, I guess…" I closed my eye, feeling tired. "Hi. I'm Bill."

Linda made a soft sound. "Are you alright?"

"...no…"

"Well, if you want to talk, or just have me here to be here…"

"...I just feel really mad at everything." I told her. And it was like a damn broke, "I kept telling myself I should be on good behavior, and my friends were trying to be on good behavior, 'cause if I didn't cause trouble, Time Baby wouldn't get mad at me, and threaten me, or blackmail me, and I found other stuff to do. And it was frustrating, but it was better than catching his attention and getting ordered to kill people. And I was working so hard to be good. And I even tried my best not to kill anyone. I haven't killed anyone in so long. And I tried not to mess with them in a negative way either… I wanted to try and do some good in whatever twisted way I could…"

Linda didn't say anything, I continued. "And after all that, Time Baby has the gall to tell me that, actually, he wants me to run around messing with people. The thing he always punished me for doing! And he's asking me to do it now. Even though he always yelled at me about how much he hated it when I did it! And I'm just… so MAD."

"That does seem frustrating. Do you know why you feel this way?"

"Because it means everything I've been doing for the past few millenia was utterly pointless! I just- wasted my time and energy and everything was for nothing and fuck him for doing this to me-"

Linda sat and listened to me rant for a good several minutes. "Does he know you feel this way?"

"No point talking to him. He doesn't listen to me. He's NEVER listened to me!" I huffed.

"Try writing it down. The things you want to tell him. The things you want him to hear and understand."

I huffed and kicked my feet. Linda was patient as always. "Miz? Would you rather say aloud what you want to tell him, or write it down?"

I grumbled a little more before I waved a hand and a little notebook appeared. I scribbled for a while and then held it in front of my Com's camera so Linda could read it. She was quiet as she did. Then she told me, "Thank you for sharing with me."

I mumbled and laid on my side. "How are you feeling?" Linda asked gently.

"Still kinda mad."

"Alright." Linda didn't press me more. But that was fine. I felt a little less mad. Still mad, yeah. But a little less mad. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" She asked. I mumbled again. "Would you mind if I asked a few things?" She asked next. I hummed and rolled over onto my back.

"Alright." Linda smiled. "Would it be rude to ask what you are? You're… a triangle? Demon-god…?"

I snorted. "Yeah, kinda." Linda was curious, huh? Then again, she also asked Lucifer all about demon stuff after she found out what he was. "I'm a triangular demon-god. One of the three pillars of my native Reality." I grinned. "God of Knowledge, Master of the Mind, Lord of Nightmares, yadda yadda. All that cool stuff." I blinked. "Oh, just 'cause I'm master of the mind doesn't mean I know how to handle myself. I kinda… broke too many times. Lost the ability to regulate my own emotions and shit. That's why I've got you." I said cheerfully.

Linda raised an eyebrow. And then she took off her glasses, cleaned them, and put them back on. "There's a lot to unpack here. Let's start with your lack of ability to regulate…"

"Eh… I tend to… feel my emotions really strongly." I shrugged. "I'm a being of pure energy, with a major focus on emotional energy. I… well, I tend to Feel things with my entire BEING. It gets muted when I'm in one of my other forms, but it's still a nearly all encompassing thing, when I feel. And for the more intense emotions like anger, or sadness… it kinda… makes it hard to think properly…"

"Well… we can work on ways for you to handle that. Along with everything else." Linda paused. "How have you been doing on the exercises I've already shown you?"

I twitched. "...I'm awesome…."

I could tell that Linda knew I hadn't been practicing that at all. I sighed. "I swear I used to have self confidence."

"What made you lose it?" She prompted gently.

"Just… stuff."

"You're deflecting."

I wiggled. Truthfully… I did want to talk about it. Complain about it, more like. But at the same time, I didn't want to acknowledge it. This unsettled feeling inside me was uncomfortable. Like something unfinished, unresolved… I was left adrift with no closure. "I… feel like a bad person… to be saying this…" I muttered.

"What do you feel bad about?"

"...talking bad about someone who's been nothing but kind to me…" I mumbled.

"...well." Linda said plainly, "I know that there's a lot about you that I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I know you well enough to know that you have reasons for stuff you do. Even if they won't make sense to me. And… there's a reason here too, for why you feel the way you do about whoever this is. If someone was really kind to you, I doubt you'd have anything bad to say about them."

I wiggled. "...I mean… he's a jerk sometimes. But he's nice to me…" Except when he wasn't.

"Ok, that's already sending up red flags for me." Linda took a deep breath. "You don't have to name, names. But if you want to say anything…"

It took some more gentle coaxing before I said anything. I told her about how someone I cared about was… not the nicest person, to the other people in my life. And how they'd gone and trampled their way through every social link I had with everyone else in my life and asserted themselves, and how I didn't stand up for my friends and family when it happened and I felt like shit for that. And then I told her about how I felt jealous when I learned that they had a partner now who was cool and awesome and got along great with them, and with other people, but they didn't like me and I knew part of that was my own fault, but I kept of misstepping with them, all of them, both of them, and then I felt like shit and everything hurt and they both were pissed at me, definitely pissed at me and-

"...and I know they don't mean to do it… but sometimes… I just… feel so stupid, after they point things out to me. They're just trying to help, I know that. They just want me to do well, and be safe and stuff. But when they say things to me… I just… I feel inferior." Like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm not good enough, compared to them. Which was stupid, I shouldn't have been comparing us to begin with. But when I looked up to Blue that person so much… it just… hurt.

"And I've pissed off and offended everyone in their social circle too." Heck, I think that Stanford hates me because of what I did to him. And I couldn't even blame him for that, but… the fact that he goes around distrusting every single thing I do, or say- and even straight up letting me know that helping people is bad if I'm the one who's helping people, because everything I do is automatically wrong-

I wrapped my arms around myself, shaking.

"And… it hurt your feelings, didn't it?" Linda asked. I nodded. "And I'm so… angry. But I'm not allowed to get angry about it, or else that's just more proof of what a terrible person I am!" I spat.

"Well, you're not a terrible person. But you do need to sort through what you're feeling right now, and find a healthy way of expressive or releasing it." Linda said, calm and gentle. I groaned. "I normally self-destruct. Just… literally, physically, explode and die."

Linda blinked. "...well… don't… do that?

"I'm not. I haven't… done that in a while." I muttered. And was it stupid that I kinda miss it? Nothing worked better for releasing stress than blowing yourself up and spending a thousand years in a daze.

Oh, but I can't do that anymore. Not allowed to. No hurting or killing myself. Even though I knew I wouldn't die from it.

"...What do you do for stress relief that doesn't involve… bodily destruction?" Linda asked. "I know you've mentioned singing and art. Do they not work here?"

"I'm not always calm enough to be able to do such things. I mainly need something quick, violent and physical when I'm super stressed in the moment."

"Reacting to stress with violence… is something you will need to learn to handle." Linda told me. I sighed. "You don't have to sugar coat it. I know that reacting to being stressed by attacking other people is a bad thing. Heck, half the reason that St- person hates me is because I responded to him hurting my feelings by sniping back at him…"

"That's not good." Linda told me. I winced. "I know. I can't help it."

"Saying you 'can't help it' is another deflection of blame." Linda told me patiently. "You have impulse control, that is true. You can also work to find better ways to handle it." I whined, kicking my little noodle legs. "Miz, it's hard. It's annoying or irritating, but the only person who can change you is yourself. If you really want to get better, you have to start somewhere. And even if it's simply changing the language and words you use, it'll still have an impact."

I held back a groan. Sounded like effort.

"I know that groan. It's the 'but I don't wanna do it' groan." Linda pointed out.

I groaned again. "Aren't we getting off topic?" I complained.

"You're right. Let's go back to talking about how that way that person has been treating you is incredibly abusive."

"Hey, self improvements! Let's chat about that." I chirped.

"You're deflecting again. It's getting more blatant." Linda seemed to be realizing something. "You're doing that on purpose. Your deflections, and the way you handle them. You're deliberately being blatant about it." She began inspecting me. "You want me to notice, and call you out on it."

I didn't respond to that.

"This is your way of crying for help." Linda told me. "You know something's wrong, and you want to fix it, but you don't want to outright ask for it. So instead, you joke. You go about it sideways. You say the opposite of what you mean and hope that others can read between the lines to find the true message."

I looked away.

And Linda had the oddest look on her face.

And she took her glasses off to rub at her eyes.

She put her glasses back on and told me, in an entirely serious tone, "You can tell me what you want to tell me. You can ask me for help. That's my job. I am here to help you. I am here to help you learn to help yourself."

I still wasn't looking at her. "What should I say instead?"

"You can ask people to back off to give you some space and time to settle yourself." She suggested. "For you, from what I've learned of you, you have trouble thinking clearly when in the moment. So leave and go back to finish what you're handling once you've calmed down."

I sighed. I knew that. But knowing it and doing it weren't...

...I was making excuses again.

"I'm… going to call Time Baby back." I said slowly. "If… if he really does want my help, he's gonna have to beg for it though."

Linda looked like she was trying to keep a straight face. "I don't know your whole relationship with him, but I will suggest having someone you can trust with you for that talk."

I blinked. Oh. That was a good idea. "...thank you for always Linda." I eye-smiled. She smiled back. "Of course. Good luck Miz."