A/N: Howdy everyone! I am in such a better place than I was last week. Your support has meant so much to me. I did quite a bit of supplying last week and remembered why I love teaching. It's going to be an uphill battle to get me to full time (what with my anxiety and Covid and all that) but I'm getting there.

Thanks to Crystal (x6), bagelcat1, Iowa Cat, Blodeuwedd (I've PMed you), TwistedDuck, shadowhuntingdauntlessdemigod, waitingforAslan, ThornsHaveRoses, and Algernon23 for the amazing reviews to the last chapter! I love you all so much!

This chapter is tagged to episode 12x03, American Nightmare. I hope you enjoy where I've taken the episode.

Disclaimer: Nothing recognizable belongs to me.

The Lost Year

"So, a Gifted Child, huh? Wow, we haven't heard from one of them in like a decade," Dean chuckled.

Sam turned his gaze from the rapidly changing scenery out the open window back to his brother. "Well, it's not like you don't work with one every day, man."

Dean shrugged. "Eh, you were always gifted. Didn't need freaky visions to tell me that, Francis." Sam grinned a little at the use of the extremely outdated nickname. "You don't…you don't still have visions, do you? I mean, we never really talked about it after…"

Sam was already shaking his head. "No, Dean. No visions, no telekinesis, no demon blood cravings. I'm good. You don't have to worry about me." He let his arm float on the passing air for a moment before adding quietly, "I'm clean."

Sam heard his brother heave a long-suffering sigh and turned to see Dean rubbing the back of his neck. He wished he could see through the black plastic of Dean's sunglasses so he could tell what Dean was feeling.

"Jesus, Sammy…You don't think…I…" Dean let his head drop heavily before rolling his shoulders and trying again. "You still don't get it, do you?" At Sam's confused shrug, Dean chuckled sadly. "Wow, and they call you the smart one. I wasn't afraid of your 'powers' or whatever, you dumbass. I was scared that they would get you into trouble that I couldn't get you out of. I mean, yeah, the visions were helpful. And Chuck knows you saved my ass a couple of times by yanking demons out of vessels. But knowing that they could get you into trouble with the angels, or the demons, or with other hunters…" Dean sighed sadly before chuckling for a moment. "Well, I think I've shown what I'm willing to do when someone tries to hurt you, kid."

Sam grunted in reply, turning so he was facing Dean instead of the open window. "Yeah, but it doesn't change the fact that you were right. They did get me in trouble with the angels, and the demons, and freaking Lucifer. And then those hunters…" Sam shook his head. "I guess I just wish I had listened to you about not using them. I mean, at least you helped me figure out how to control them, and you never blamed me for having them. Magda, she…her family condemned her. They blamed her for what was happening, even though she was scared and confused. That…that could've been me, you know?"

"Sam…" Dean dragged his hand over his mouth tiredly. "I know I was a dick back then. Hell, I know I'm still a dick, but I know I was a major dick to you after I went to Hell—"

"Dean, I'm not blaming you! I deserved it, and after what you went through—"

"Would you shut up for a second and let me talk? Jesus, bro!" Dean glanced over at the passenger side to make sure Sam would keep his mouth shut. "Okay. Thank you. I'm tryin' to say that what happened to Magda, what her family did to her…even on my worst day, post Hell, post Purgatory, or even with the Mark, I never woulda done that to you. Ruby? Hell yeah. But not you. Wasn't your fault."

Sam's mind flashed to the look on Elijah's face when he jumped in front of Magda to intercept his Mother's knife. A little brother protecting his big sister. Something he could definitely see Dean doing. Something Dean had done, on multiple occasions, demon blood be damned.

"And before you start in on him, Dad wouldn't've done that either. Neither would Mom, even if she was born a hunter. And if they tried, they would've had to go through me," Dean continued as an afterthought.

"But Dean…" Sam trailed off as he thought about it. It didn't do to dwell on 'might have beens', but he couldn't help himself. Finding out what Magda could do was a blast from the past. The whole case had brought back those feelings of angst that plagued him whenever he thought about what he privately called 'The Lost Year'. He had lost so much while under the sway of the demon blood and Ruby. He'd lost his innocence, his ideals, and his control. He'd almost lost his brother, and he still had nightmares about what Alistair had done to Dean. He'd lost Dean's respect for a time, and that had ached more than knowing it was his fault Lucifer was free.

Now, Lucifer was free again, because of his desperation to keep Dean close. Sam did his best to stay as far away from demons as possible, just in case his cravings came back. Mary was alive, but she had walked away from them. Was it his fault? Could she somehow sense that the baby she had left behind had become dirty? Tainted? As much as he tried to put on a brave face for his brother and claim that their mother only needed an adjustment period, he still felt a niggle of self-doubt within him.

"I can hear the thoughts rattling around in that big-ass head of yours, Sammy. You wanna share with the class?" Dean commented, smoothly changing lanes to go around a logging truck.

Sam shifted uncomfortably. "Just thinking about how things would have gone if Azazel hadn't come into my bedroom that night, you know?"

Dean shook his head and sighed. "I've seen that life, remember? That Djinn dream? You and Jess, happy and healthy. Dad dead of natural causes. Mom happily alive and planning for grandchildren. Me dating a nurse and working as a mechanic. It was a good life, Sammy, but there's no use chasing it, okay? Besides…you and me, we do good work. It's thankless and hard and Chuck almighty, sometimes I wish it wasn't on us. But it is and it's worth it."

Sam gazed at Dean out of the corner of his eye and found he could not argue. The work was thankless and bloody and damn hard. They didn't get paid, they got in more trouble legally than any blue-collar criminal, and they had to live off the grid for their own safety. But they had each other, and maybe that made all the difference in the world.

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed! I would love it if you could drop me a review. They really do make my day. Much love and take care of yourselves!