XOXOXOXO
Chapter 17
Sofia
I sat up, startled by the sound of the shower.
The room was dark, and I was light-headed.
"Sofia?" James whispered, taking my hand quickly, "how do you feel, baby?"
"Um, okay? I think. What time is it?" I asked groggily, moving my hair out of my face.
"5:20 in the morning, you've been asleep for a long time," he kissed my hand.
"Why?" I tried to focus on him in the dark.
"You had another nightmare; the nurses had to sedate you, baby," he explained, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Oh," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.
"Is Sofia awake?" Roland asked, walking into the room.
"Yeah, dad, you can turn the light on," James said, not moving from his spot.
The overhead lights came on, and I snapped my eyes shut, throwing the blanket over my head.
James chuckled, "Sorry, baby,"
"James, you need to go for a run," Roland stated, and I pulled the blanket around my nose.
"Yeah, I know, dad," James sighed, standing up, "I won't be gone long, Sof,"
"Okay," I pouted, moving my bed to a sitting position, "I love you,"
"I love you too, baby," he kissed me and hurried out of the room.
"How are you feeling, Sofia?" Roland asked, taking James's chair.
"Hungry, dizzy, kind of nauseous," I sighed, looking at the white tiled ceiling.
"Yeah, they had to sedate you last night, so that accounts for the dizzy and sick feeling. Hungry though, hungry I can fix," he smiled, squeezing my hand and standing back up, "I'll be right back,"
"I'll be here," I groaned, earning a chuckle from him.
The bathroom door opened, and Anne emerged in her scrubs.
"Good morning, sweetie," she smiled, rushing to my side, "can I get you anything?"
"Good morning, Anne," I smiled back, "Roland went to get me food, so I think I'm good,"
"Did he? He'd better not try to feed you something from the vending machine; I'll be right back!" she ran out in search of her husband, and I was alone once again.
I reached for the TV remote and flipped through the channels, landing on How It's Made.
A half an hour passed before a male nurse announced himself.
"Come in," I called, keeping my attention on the TV.
"What are they making?" he asked, walking to the side of my bed.
"Jellybeans," I replied, smiling at him.
"That's cool; I heard your mom is going to be your nurse today. That must make you happy," he smiled.
"Future mother-in-law, and yeah," I stated, giggling at the fact I just called Anne my mother-in-law.
"Oh, aren't you and that guy too young to be married?" he asked, taking my vitals and handing me a cup of pills and a paper cup of water.
"James and I are engaged to be engaged," I smiled, showing him my ring.
"Congratulations," he chuckled, admiring it.
"Thank you," James smiled, kissing me, "Hey, baby,"
"Hey, how was your run?" I giggled, wiping his sweat off my face.
"Good, but it would have been better with you beside me," he pouted, grabbing clothes out of the suitcase.
"I don't have to run for the whole weekend!" I exclaimed happily, realizing I got to take a break.
"Don't be too excited; I'm going to work you double time the rest of the week to make up for missing today and tomorrow," he stated firmly.
"You're mean, I want a new trainer," I huffed, crossing my arms.
"I assure you no other trainer is as good looking as I am," he flexed his muscles seductively, "and no other trainer would put up with your constant complaining," he smirked, throwing a towel over his shoulder.
"You've got me on the good-looking part," I said, raising an eyebrow as I watched him, "but as for my constant complaining, you wake me up at 4:45 every morning, make me run a mile, and don't let me have snacks! Jellybeans, James, I want jellybeans!" I grinned playfully, pointing at the TV.
"If you want them, you've got to earn them, baby," he laughed, kissing me again before walking into the bathroom.
I laughed, putting my hand to my forehead.
"Damn," Marcus whispered, and I jumped, forgetting he was there, "you two are cute,"
"Thanks," I blushed, wishing our intimacy wasn't seen by a stranger.
"Don't forget to take your medicine," Marcus instructed, clearing his throat.
I stared at the oblong pills in the cup and reluctantly dumped them in my mouth, taking a swig of the water.
"Breakfast time," Anne announced, bringing me a tray of food with Roland close behind her.
Marcus moved the table across my lap for her to set the tray down, and I looked at the plate of pancakes, Jell-O, and orange juice happily.
"This looks good," I beamed, picking up my fork.
"I got you gummy bears," Roland whispered, hiding the plastic bag under my blanket.
I mouthed a thank you to him before digging into my breakfast.
"I'm going to go home and check on the dogs; I'll be back later," Roland said, kissing Anne goodbye.
"Okay, honey," She kissed Roland goodbye, "I'm about to start my shift, so I will see you soon, sweetie," Anne kissed my forehead.
"Bye!" I waved at them, watching them leave with Marcus behind them.
I ate my breakfast, watching TV, and opened the bag of gummy bears, shoving a handful in my mouth.
God, I missed sugar.
The bathroom door opened, and James sat back down in his chair.
"Why do I smell gummy bears?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"What?" I asked innocently, covering my mouth, "I don't smell anything; maybe you're hallucinating," I shrugged, dipping my spoon in the Jell-O.
He felt around me, and his hand landed on the hidden bag, pulling it out from under the blanket, "This is a pretty complete hallucination, Sofia,"
"James, can I have them back, please?" I pouted, taking a bite, "They were a gift,"
"A gift, huh?" he asked, turning them over and reading the nutrition facts, "how many have you eaten?"
"Six," I grinned sheepishly.
He groaned, "take two more, and I'm taking the bag,"
He fished them out and put them, upright, on my tray.
"Can I have a blue instead of a yellow?" I asked hopefully.
"Do you not like yellow?" he asked, pulling a blue out of the bag.
"No, I like yellow, but you gave me a green, and I want a perfect pair," I explained, taking another bite.
"You are something else," he smiled softly, placing the blue one next to the green one, "there, a perfect pair,"
"Yeah, we are," I nodded, taking his hand and kissing it.
He leaned over and kissed me, caressing my jaw and biting my lip.
I slid the tray table to the side and moved over, giving James room to lay next to me.
We sat, cuddled together, watching TV for a while before someone knocked on the door.
"Come in," James called, moving back to his chair.
"Miss Benson, Good morning," Doctor Hathaway and his two trainees walked in enthusiastically.
"Good morning, Doctor Hathaway," I smiled.
"I heard you had a rough night," he frowned, looking at my chart, "do you have night terrors often?"
"She had one Monday night but no others before last night," James explained, holding my hand.
"Odd, did anything change in your sleeping habits through the week?" Doctor Hathaway asked, looking at me.
"Well, umm," I blushed, "James started sleeping with me," I whispered.
"Sexually?" he asked, and I felt like I was going to implode.
"No, just sleeping," James answered, rubbing his neck, "she can't sleep in a bed by herself, and me holding her seems to help,"
"I see," he wrote something down on my chart.
"Please don't tell Anne!" I held my hands in front of me.
"Doctor-patient confidentiality," he and the trainees chuckled, "Your secret is safe with us, plus it's common to need physical contact to sleep,"
I exhaled, pulling my knees to my chest and putting my chin on them.
"Have you been given your medicine yet this morning?" he asked.
"Yes, sir. I just took them a little while ago," I nodded.
"Good, the psychiatrist is going to be up soon," he stated, putting my chart back.
"What time will I get to go home tomorrow?" I asked.
"I'll have you out here by seven, as long as everything goes smoothly the rest of the day," he smiled, "I'll see you in the morning, Miss Benson,"
"Okay, have a good day, Doctor Hathaway," I smiled back.
"You too," he said, walking out.
"Twenty-four more hours, James," I sighed, falling back on the uncomfortable pillow.
"Not much longer at all," James said, sliding back on the bed with me.
I laughed, "I guess you're right,"
"I usually am," he shrugged, and I playfully shoved his shoulder.
"I love how modest you are," I giggled.
"You should; it's one of my best qualities," he chuckled, laying his head on mine.
"Sofia Benson?" A woman's voice filled the room, and James moved back to his chair again.
"Yes?" I called back, watching the woman move to the middle of the room.
"I'm Doctor Bentley, the hospital psychiatrist," she introduced herself, a sweet smile crossing her red-lipsticked lips.
"Hello," I nodded.
She sat in the chair opposite James and rested her clipboard on her thighs.
"Who is this?" she asked, pointing at James.
"My boyfriend," I replied quickly.
"James," James said, shaking her hand.
"Nice to meet you both. Sofia, do you want James to stay while we talk?" she asked, shaking my hand.
"Yes," I nodded, pulling James's arm around mine.
"Okay," she laughed, "Have you ever seen a therapist before?" she started, staring at me.
I shook my head.
"All we're going to do is talk," she shrugged, "I want to get to know you,"
I looked over at James, and he smiled encouragingly, "Okay, what do you want to know?"
I was getting tired of explaining everything over and over again.
I had to do it again with the college therapist on Monday, too.
I felt hollow, and my words felt meaningless.
After an hour of telling her everything, answering her questions, and avoiding the sad looks James kept giving me, she finally left.
"You did great, Sof," James squeezed my hand.
"Did I?" I asked sourly, "I feel like I'm reciting the plot to a bad movie every time I explain my life to people,"
"I'd watch that movie, if only for the part when I show up and turn it into a romantic drama," he smiled, poking me in the ribs.
"You show up at the end of the first movie, but the sequel is nothing but our relationship," I giggled, "you can just watch that one,"
"And miss all the context in the first? Hell no, I want to see it all," he kissed me, sitting back on the bed.
"Where did Anne put my journals?" I asked, putting my head on his shoulder.
"I'm not sure. Do you want me to go ask mom?"
"Yeah, if you don't mind,"
"Not at all, baby," he kissed the top of my head and ran out of the room.
I sighed, wishing I was at home.
A few minutes later, James came back in and opened the suitcase, pulling my notebooks out.
"Got 'em," he grinned, joining me.
I took them from him and ran my hand along the bright, happy covers, knowing damn well what dark, disturbing, hateful memories lurked inside.
"I started writing these at school after Seth died," I sighed, opening the first one.
"It looks like they've seen some better days," James commented, touching the burn marks.
"Yeah," I chuckled, "I've almost destroyed these a few times, but I knew destroying them wouldn't destroy the memories,"
"Can I read them?" he whispered, gently touching my face and staring into my eyes.
"I haven't read them in years; who better to revisit past trauma with than the man who wants to spend eternity with me," I shrugged, flipping open the cover of the first book.
"That's the spirit," he said, getting comfortable.
I flipped through the pages, deciphering my nine-year-old chicken scratch and blushing at him seeing my failed attempts at drawing.
"We can skip this part," I hid the notebook from him, flipping past ten or so pages.
"Why?" he asked, craning his neck above my head.
"It's a story I wrote, Sofia and Seth's Fantastic Adventures," I chuckled, "I went through a creative writing phase; they are primarily about us living in a house in the woods. I may have read all the Little House on the Prairie books when I was in third grade," I blushed.
"Why is that embarrassing?" James asked, laying my head back on his chest, "I used to watch the show with my grandma; it was peaceful,"
"Right! It made me want to live back then, but when you think about the fact people died from colds and splinters, it's probably just better to fantasize about,"
"For sure, it's like that Family Guy episode when the guy is about to go to town for supplies and is telling his wife goodbye and giving her instructions on where to bury him before the bear busts in and carries him off. No, thank you," he laughed, sending comfortable vibrations through my body.
"Knock, Knock," Anne called, walking in, "you two look comfortable," she raised an eyebrow.
"We are, thanks for noticing, female parent," James smiled, not moving.
Anne laughed, shaking her head, and checked my vitals.
"Everything is looking like you will be out of here in the morning; there is a group meeting soon. Doctor Bentley has requested that you join them," Anne explained, running my blood pressure cuff.
"Group therapy? Where people sit around in a circle talking about their feelings?" I asked, the scenes from The Fault in our Stars playing in my head.
"Something like that, they meet a couple of times a week, it wouldn't be a bad idea to hear other people's perspectives," Anne kissed my forehead, "go this once to see if you like it,"
"Yes, ma'am," I sighed.
"Okay, it starts in thirty minutes; why don't we walk down so you can meet everyone?"
"Can I go with her?" James asked hopefully.
"No, James, it's a closed meeting," Anne shook her head, "but it's only for an hour,"
"You can go get lunch, baby," I suggested, feeling his body tense.
"Are you sure?" he asked, pulling my hair back, "I can stand by the door or something,"
I shook my head, pulling the blanket off of me.
"I'll be okay, promise," I turned my head and kissed him, "go eat, I'll be back soon,"
I followed Anne out of the room and into an elevator.
"Don't be nervous, Sofia," she squeezed my hand.
"I'm trying not to be," I half smiled at her, tapping my foot.
We got off on a different floor, and she led me to an auditorium-style room with a circle of chairs in the middle.
Called it.
Doctor Bentley was standing on the side, organizing a table of coffee and cookies.
"Sofia, I'm glad you decided to join us," she smiled, motioning me to the table.
"I'll come back to get you in an hour," Anne whispered before walking back out.
I slowly walked over to the table.
"Would you like a cookie?" Doctor Bentley asked, grabbing a napkin.
"No, thank you, I risked my life for eight gummy bears earlier," I giggled.
She flashed me a quizzical look.
"James is a health nut, so I am too now, apparently," I shrugged.
"I understand that; I dated a vegetarian for a while," she laughed, "a little indulgence is good, in moderation of course,"
"I lived off convenience store food for a year and a half; it's nice to have someone so concerned about my eating habits,"
"I'm sure. James seems to love you very much," Doctor Bentley sighed, "many people go their entire lives searching for the level of commitment you have for each other. Cherish that,"
"I will. I love James, but I don't deserve him," I frowned, "but I hope that I can become someone who does,"
"I can't believe that, but you're here, so hopefully, we can change your outlook,"
"He got us promise rings three days into our relationship and asked me to be his at the top of the St. Louis arch," I raised an eyebrow, showing her my ring, "and then he took me to Six Flags so that I would have a good memory of Missouri,"
Her eyes went wide as she admired my ring, "He's seventeen?" she asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"Oh, no reason, men twice his age could take a page from your boy's playbook," she chuckled, blushing slightly.
I set my jaw and subtly glared at her.
I didn't want to start anything with the therapist because she could easily make me stay longer, but I felt like shoving her face in the cups of hot coffee.
"Yeah, MY boy is pretty special," I emphasized on the 'my' with my hand on my hip.
Other patients began filing in, and she directed me to a chair.
I took a deep breath, trying to shake away the insecurity gnawing in the back of my mind from that look in Doctor Bently's eyes while she was talking about James, especially after I made that whole speech about jealousy being pointless.
Sofia Benson was officially a hypocrite.
"Welcome, everyone," Doctor Bentley smiled, "we have a new member today,"
She motioned for me to stand up, and I reluctantly moved to my feet.
"Tell everyone your name," She urged, and I sighed.
"I'm Sofia," I mumbled, letting my hair veil my face.
"Hi, Sofia," everyone said in unison, sending chills up my spine.
I sat back down quickly, staring at my knees.
Ugh, this was embarrassing.
I listened to the stories the others told, hoping that I wouldn't have to tell mine.
"We still have fifteen minutes, Sofia. Would you like to speak?" Doctor Bentley asked sweetly.
I groaned, conflicted, but I stood up.