Chapter 41.
Cas woke to soft lips on his and briefly thought he was at home, with Jules. He opened his eyes and instantly knew that he was not and for a moment, the pain of the loss was all he could think about. Then he turned his attention to the witch who was regarding his confusion with a smile.
"Why did you kiss me?" he said.
"Curiosity." she said, "Opportunism. Also, I think I hoped you might say the name of your mysterious lover."
"No, that will never happen." he said, "She is no longer in my life. Her name is no longer in my thoughts." Dean always said he was a poor liar, but he felt if he injected enough celestial coolness into his words, she might believe them.
"Well, I had to try. Sorry that I had to wake you, but we have a problem."
"With the crystals?" he said, sitting up.
"No, with the Winchesters. Dean knows you called me last night. He called demanding to know where you were and threatening my life, actually."
"If it comes to that, I'll protect you." he said.
"Oh, that's sweet, but you're not exactly at full power, are you?"
"I'll talk to him." said Cas.
"Now, if only you'd done that in the beginning, like I suggested." she said.
"What did you tell him?"
"That you called me about Michael, asking how I was doing on finding a way to kill him."
"Did he believe you?"
"Not for an instant." she said, "He's a shrewd one. It would have been much better if they didn't have access to your phone."
"I left it with the car." he said.
"Well, that was a mistake."
He got off the bed. "Are the crystals ready?"
"Almost. The current spell is working on binding the stone to the silver and the grace to both. It will take another hour. How long do you think we have before they burst in here with witch-killing bullets and an air of grievance?"
"About as long as it takes them to trace your phone and drive here."
"Shame. I was going to suggest you stay here tonight, regain a little strength."
"I feel that would be unwise, even without the possibility of a raid." said Cas.
"I've done a lot of unwise things in my time and so have you." She gestured to the table, still covered with magical tools. "Case in point." She smiled at him. "If I can't seduce you, would you at least tell me something?"
"What?" he said.
"Why you've gone from ultra-cautious to devil-may-care with no steps in between. Why are you acting as if your life is already lost?"
"If you breathe a word to the Winchesters ... "
"Castiel, I have secrets I have kept for centuries. Discretion is my middle name."
"So is perfidy." he said.
"You want to talk, I want to listen. You say no risk matters now, so how can you be afraid of loose lips?"
"Because the only thing I have left is protecting them." he said.
"I promise, I won't tell them. I promise on my own self-sovereignty and you know there is nothing more sacred to me than that."
"I do." he said.
Suddenly, he heard, in his head, "Castiel, if you are still in this world, tell me now. Otherwise, I have to assume you have been taken and I have to tell Sam and Dean everything."
"Jack!" he said aloud.
"Jack?" said Rowena.
"He's praying. I need to reply, or he'll tell them the truth."
"Go ahead." she said, "I'll be out in the hall. When I come back, you can tell me the truth."
When she had gone, Cas said, "Jack, I'm alive and safe and will be back soon. Please, tell them nothing."
"Are you with Rowena?" said Jack.
"I'll be back soon." said Cas, "You can tell them that."
"Be careful." said Jack. He sounded alone and afraid.
"I'm safe." said Cas. He went to the door and called Rowena back in. "If you break your promise ... "
"No threats, please. I will keep it." she said, "My curiosity demands answers. If I have them, I won't need to share them."
"Very well. When Jack died, he went to Heaven."
"Obviously. A more innocent soul could hardly be imagined."
"But the Empty ... do you know about the Empty?"
"Enlighten me."
"The Empty is where angels and demons go when they die."
"Both to the same place?" she said.
"Yes."
"I'd heard rumours of a void where demons went. I assumed angels had a better deal."
"Well, we don't. It's a terrible place. There, you sleep an unbroken sleep as your mind replays every mistake you ever made from every possible angle."
"Not a good place for you to be."
"Not good for anyone." said Cas, "Because Jack is half archangel, the Empty thought it had a claim on him and it invaded Heaven to make that claim. I was there to return his soul to his body. The Empty seemed likely to destroy Heaven to get to him."
"I had no idea Heaven could be destroyed."
"Maybe it can, maybe it can't. It's not a risk we should take and if the Empty took Jack, we could never have taken him back. The only one who has ever brought anyone back from the Empty is Jack. I went there the last time I died and he was able to awaken me there. I would not have been able to do the same for him."
Rowena was watching him intently. She took his hand and he felt a momentary dread, as if he had picked up a venomous snake, but also another feeling, of connection and sympathy. He distrusted witches on principle and this one for excellent reasons, but sometimes he felt she could be more friend than foe.
"Who'd have thought the most righteous of angels would feel such unbounded love for the child of Lucifer?" she said, "That child is everything to you, isn't he?"
"My life, my hope, my salvation." he said.
"Your son." she said, releasing his hand.
"That too."
"I wish I had been half as good to my son as you are to the son that isn't yours. How did you save him and Heaven? What did it cost you?"
"Nothing of consequence. I offered myself in place of him. I assumed the Empty would take me at once. It didn't. It said it would come for me when I allowed myself to be happy. But it will come and when it does, no power on Earth or in Heaven can save me. I will be gone and the people I love will be alone."
"And you won't tell the Winchesters because you feel they can't save you and you don't want them to try and fail?"
"I honestly don't know if they can save me or not, but if they fail, they will blame themselves and if they succeed, the Empty may yet take Jack." He didn't add the other thought that entered his head - that they might not try and that would confirm that he no longer mattered to them and explain why Dean was always so irritated by his very existence.
"Does Jack know what you did for him?" she said.
"He knows. He was there when the deal was made."
"That poor child!"
"I would have kept it from him if I could." said Cas.
She looked at him sadly. "Yes, I believe you would. If you bled to death in front of them, you'd apologise for the mess."
"Actually, I can't bleed to death." he said.
She looked at the crystals on the table. "As soon as these are done, we must get you on the road again. Do you feel any stronger?"
"Not really."
"Dean really will kill me if he knows I took your grace."
"If I have to explain it, I will. I just hope he doesn't guess the rest."
"I still think you should tell him everything." she said.
"I can't." He smiled. "I don't even know what would happen to the universe if Dean found a way to destroy the Empty."
She smiled too. "He does have a way of disrupting the cosmic order."
"They both do." said Cas, "And I'm really not worth it."
"When Dean called me, that didn't seem to be his assessment."
"His anger is mostly with me. I disobey. I do stupid things."
"Dean doesn't seem the type to insist on obedience." she said.
"He does from me."
She nodded. "Or maybe you expect those around you to expect obedience when what Dean and Sam want is your trust."
"With respect, you really don't understand about the Winchesters and me."
"Maybe not. I am a simple witch, unable to grasp the high affairs of angels."
"Quite so." he said, uncomfortably sensing that she might be mocking him.
"But if you need help with any baser affairs, I'm your woman." she said with a twinkle in her eye.
"My dabbling in such things is at an end." he said.
"You really got hurt, didn't you? You know, the best cure for a broken heart is revenge. The right hex bag, in the right place ... "
"No! I wasn't hurt. Mine was not the heart broken."
"You may as well tell me. What difference can it make now?"
"I've told you the Empty thing, everything else, I am keeping to myself."
"Does Dean know about her?"
"Rowena, nobody will tell you anything."
"That's not why I asked."
"I have nothing to say about her or our relationship."
"And you say you weren't hurt? Because you seem badly wounded to me."
"She did nothing to hurt me. I hurt her in ways for which I can never make amends."
"Tell me her name."
"She has no name. She is gone from my mind."
"But not your heart."
"Angels have no heart."