NOTE: Thank you guys for the suggestions on where to place the "Return of Cooler" movie and your understanding of "History of Trunks" getting moved back a bit. Both of those movies will be soon, but not after this chapter, so once again thank you all for the support.
Enjoy and review. :)
Chapter 50: Revenge of Cooler
(cut to an outside shot of Cooler's spaceship in space and then inside showing Freeza killing Bardock and destroying Planet Vegeta on the monitor)
"Ugh! We're still not done with Frieza!?" Lucy complained.
"Guess we still had some loose ends to tie up with his family," Levy sweatdropped.
SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother Freeza is destroying ze Planet Vegeta!
"Jeice," Juvia mumbled.
COOLER: Very impressive. Killing off a bunch of monkeys. Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could have done that at the zoo…
"So, the whole family is racist. Nice to see a connection," Kagura spat. Her attention turned to Erza who had shivered a bit when Cooler talked.
"Something wrong, Erza?"
"N-nothing."
SAUZA: Wait, sir! (the monitor shows a single spacepod in space) It seems he has missed one ship. We are within range to intercept-
"Is that Goku?" Freed asked.
"Yes."
COOLER: No, let it go.
SAUZA: But, why?
COOLER: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat, then he's going to accept the responsibility. If this comes back to bite him, that's his fault.
"It did in fact bite him in the ass. Twice in fact," Gajeel said.
(The monitor shows Planet Vegeta exploding. Cut to an outside shot of an unknown planet with a text reading "27 YEARS LATER" at the bottom. Cut to inside the planet, which is shown to be a deserted wasteland and Cooler's spaceship is seen on the ground.)
SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler!
COOLER: Hmm?
SAUZA: Your brother, Lord Freeza! He has been...le killed!
"Shocking!" Sting made a shocked face.
COOLER: Oh, is that right? And who Sauza killed him?
SAUZA: It was a...Saiyan!
"A very Natsu-like Saiyan," Lucy responded and Natsu grinned triumphantly.
COOLER: Well, I sure hope somebody picks up that phone. (gets up from his chair)
SAUZA: The what?
COOLER: Because I f**king called it!
"I wanna use that," Laxus admitted.
(Screen zooms in on Cooler's face and turns black and white. "DragonBall Z Abridged" logo appears on the screen and then disappears to show "Revenge of Cooler".)
(cut to Kirllin, Gohan, Oolong, and Icarus in a camping area on Earth)
KRILLIN: I can't believe your mom's letting you go camping with us after that whole Namek thing.
"I can't believe you're camping when you should be training to fight two cyborg terrors," Erza brought up.
"There's nothing wrong with taking breaks now and then," Mira said to the knight.
"I'm aware, but that doesn't mean you should be too lax," Erza responded.
GOHAN: Well, I have to make the excuse that I'm studying fauna. I have to chart down twelve different species of fern.
Romeo made a disgusted face. "I would hate to do homework while camping."
"I've never had to do that," Wendy told him.
"Because, you've never gone to school."
OOLONG: Wow! That smells fantastic! What's in there?
KRILLIN: Oh, you know. Just some essentials: carrots, potatoes, pooor...poise.
"You are the worst," Yukino was appalled.
(cut to a outside shot of a lake with a giant fish emerging, being held in the tail by Goku)
FISH: Halt stalwart stranger! If you let me go I shall grant you one wish.
"A wish granting fish!?" Happy drooled.
GOKU: I wish for you to be my dinner.
"Yes, be my dinner!" Happy danced around.
FISH: (in background as Goku punches it off-screen) Help! Help! Help! Heeelp! Heeeeelp!
"You think all fish scream for help when caught?" Natsu asks.
"I rather not think about it," Lucy answered.
GOHAN: Huh?
KRILLIN: Who-hoah! Sounds like Goku caught a big one this time.
GOHAN: Actually, something feels...off. (a green figure appears standing behind him)
"Gohan! Watch out!" Mira cried.
KRILLIN: Gohan! Look out! It's the Hul- (gets knocked out) lololololo…
"Goddammit Krillin," Lucy swore.
GOHAN: Krilli-Uh?! (gets his tail grabbed) (thinking) Goodbye, muscle control.
"Wait his tail? When did his tail grow back!?" Lisanna cried.
DOORE: (revealed to be the person holding Gohan's tail) Hey! Look what I got right here. Cute little thing, innit?
"Put the boy down," Mira glared harshly.
SAUZA: As a space Frenchman("Like a Space Australian?" Juvia wondered), I must say I find this food completely detestable! Ze pork is completely overcooked!
OOLONG: (as Doore swings a screaming Gohan by his tail) Rot in hell, Krillin! I almost ate that!
"Screw that pig! That big lump is treating Gohan like a plaything!" Mira shouted.
GOKU: Hey! You get away from my food, my friend, my two emergency foods, and my son! In that order!
"Goku's here!"
"With his priorities not as straight as they should be," Jellal sweatdropped.
"We're gonna ignore that he sees his friend and his son's pet dragon as emergency food?" Lector asked, concerned.
SAUZA: Well, well. I believe zat is ze monkey we are looking for.
GOKU: Wait, what did he just say?
DOORE: Oi! He said you're the monkey we're looking for!
GOKU: I-I don't-
NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible gibberish)
"Yeah they're all idiots," Laxus said.
GOKU: ...Alright, just tell me who you are.
SAUZA, DOORE & NEIZ: (with Neiz speaking unintelligible gibberish) Cooler's Arrrrmored Squadron! (all three of them strike a pose)
"So, a bootleg Ginyu Force," Lily deadpanned.
"That's just what we needed," Carla said, sarcastically.
GOKU: I am having the worst case of déjà mustard right now.
"You're not the only one," Natsu said.
(Cooler's Armored Squadron all charge at Goku. Goku ducks to avoid a punch from Sauza, leaps over a punching Doore, and evades an incoming kick from Neiz.)
SAUZA: Le suck it, bitch! (fires a ki blast at Goku, who blocks it and redirects it towards Neiz, who barely dodges it by ducking his head)
"Yeah! Kick their butts Goku!" Sting cheered.
"That retracting head thing was weird though," Wendy grimaced.
NEIZ: (roars and then shrieks) (he along with Sauza and Doore land on the ground)
SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! We have zis under control!
COOLER: It took us three months to get here. I am not staying in the ship.
"I feel the same about long quests," Laxus grumbled.
(Goku turns around and gasps upon seeing Cooler)
GOKU: Freezer!
"Wrong," Levy said.
SAUZA: Hah! You zink zis is Freeza? No. He is Cooler!
GOKU: Cooler than Freezer? You must be ice cold.
"He had to have done that on purpose," Carla said.
COOLER: No, that would be my father.
"Not even perturbed by the joke," Rogue said, astonished.
GOHAN: (from the sky arriving to the battle) Daaaaad! We're coming to help!
"You will get in the way, child!" Makarov warned.
COOLER: Oh! Is that your son?
GOKU: Yeaaah.
COOLER: I'ma kill it.
"Nononononono!"
GOKU: Don't you do it.
COOLER: I'ma do it.
GOKU: Don't you do it! (Cooler fires eye beams at Gohan) Dang it! (flies up and protects Gohan by taking the blast, and then falls into a lake and down a waterfall)
Both relief and concern coursed through the audience as Goku and Gohan descended down the waterfall.
COOLER: So, who thinks he's dead?
"I hope not," Sting said.
SAUZA: Dead.
NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible gibberish)
"Going take a guess that he said, dead," Gildarts chuckled a bit.
DOORE: That boy's dead as mud!
COOLER: Well, too bad. I sign your paychecks. Search the forest.
SAUZA: Qu'est-ce que f**k.
"What did he say?" Levy questioned.
"He said, What the fuck," Juvia translated.
(screen goes black as licking sounds can be heard)
KRILLIN: Oh... Yeah... (shows him getting licked in the face by Icarus) That's right, Maron... Lower... Lower... (wakes up and Icarus makes a sound) Wha?! ICARUS?!... I didn't say stop.
The audience shows visible disgust at Krillin's actions.
"I don't think I should've heard that," Romeo blanches.
"Me too," Wendy agrees.
(Icarus makes a confused noise)
"You're not the only confused one, dragon," Kagura heaves.
(cut to Goku and Gohan inside a cave)
GOHAN: Dad! Wake up! Please!
"Gohan…" Mira's heart hurt seeing the boy desperate.
"I'm sure your dad will recover," Yukino hoped.
GOKU: Oh. Hey, Gohan. Do you have Icarus? 'Cause I'm staaaaaaaarvin'.
"Food should be the last thing on your mind at the moment," Gray said.
"No way! Food always helps recover my strength when I'm down!" Natsu told the ice user. Gray rolled his eyes, not wanting to start a fight at the moment.
"Proper rest and a meal is good for recovery. I'm not too sure how good dragon meat tastes," Mira said.
GOHAN: Uuuuuhhhh...
GOKU: Where are we anyway?
GOHAN: We're hidden in a cave. No one can find us, so we should be safe- (Cooler's Armored Squadron fires multiple ki blasts at the forest, with the falling rocks trapping him and Goku inside the cave) (muffled) Ah, crapbaskets.
The guild watches in horror as the father and son are under fire.
"Guess that proper rest won't be happening anytime soon," Romeo chuckled, nervously.
"Those poor animals," Lisanna mourned.
(shows the entire forest being destroyed)
SAUZA: And now, ze perfect place for a shopping mall! It will have a cigarette shop, a baguette restaurant, ze Napoleon Museum, and a movie theatre only showing films starring Jean Reno. Ho ho! I'm French!
"I really hate deforestation," Lisanna huffed. Too many forests were being taken down for stores and roads nowadays.
COOLER: Ah, I see a bunch of idle hands just standing around. So, (clears throat) where's the body?
SAUZA: Well, Monsieur Cooler. He has most likely been vaporized, much like a good portion of ze forest.
"The laziest answer to give your boss. The Ginyu Force would've done a much cleaner job," Laxus complained.
"I hate that you're correct about that," Erza groaned into her hands.
COOLER: Really? Because until I see a body, I believe my brother did a better job at killing him than you.
"Frieza would make sure to kill with his own hands rather than shooting up a forest," Makarov said.
COOLER: By the end of this I'll have someone's corpse tied to the bumper of my ship.
(Cut to nighttime with Doore flying in the sky to search for Goku. Krillin, Oolong, and Icarus are seen at ground level.)
KRILLIN: Move! (he and Oolong run ahead but Icarus suddenly stops and sniffs a rock and cries out to alert the others) Icarus, if this is another dead rabbit, I swear to God I'm gonna kill you.
"Don't hurt Icarus!" Wendy protested.
OOLONG: He's saying they're trapped under the rocks.
"Guess pigs can understand dragons," Gajeel shrugged.
KRILLIN: Gohan! Goku! Are you in there?
GOHAN: (from the other side) Krillin! We're trapped under the rocks! We're running out of air! Help us!
KRILLIN: Wait, why do you need my help? Can't Goku bench press a planet?
GOHAN/Mira: (from the other side) Krillin, move the damn rocks!
(cut to everyone outside the cave)
KRILLIN: Alright Gohan, here's the plan. Take Icarus to Korin's Tower so you don't alert their scouters. Pick up some Senzu Beans for Goku and hurry back!
"Good plan, Krillin," Macao gave a thumbs up.
"Magic bean fixes everything!" Happy cheered.
GOHAN: Wait, why am I going?
KRILLIN: Because last time I hung out with him I totally forgot what his name was and just kept calling him Whiskers the Wonder Cat the whole time. It was really awkward.
Gajeel and Levy both stared at Lily with mischief gleaming in their eyes. The warrior cat shivers as their gazes pierces through him and shifts further away from the two.
(Gohan takes off to the skies riding on Icarus)
GOKU: Krillin, what smells like a dragon's breath?
KRILLIN: Shame, Goku. Lots and lots of shame. (he and Goku are now hiding inside the cave with a few of the forest animals)
"Krillin just went up on the gross-meter," Lucy's face turned green.
(Cut to Gohan and Icarus in the sky. Icarus is panting with exhaustion.)
GOHAN: Come on, Icarus. Not much longer. (sees the path up to Korin's Tower) Ah! The tower! I wonder how Yajirobe and Korin are doing.
(cut to Korin and Yajirobe in the middle of an argument)
YAJIROBE: I told you to use the brush before you got in the shower! Your hair clogs up the drain!
Gajeel shifts nervously in his seat as Levy's piercing gaze directs itself at him.
KORIN: And I told you to stay out of my kitty treats! Seriously, they're for cats! Why do you eat them?!
"Natsu…"
"It was one time, Lucy!"
"That pet store kicked us out and we didn't get paid for helping!"
"It wasn't my fault the treats smelled like meat!"
"You need to have more self-control!"
"And you need to understand that I have needs!"
"THE NEEDS TO BE AN IDIOT!"
"Uh...guys…?" Wendy chimed in and flinched when the two turned to her. "C-can we get back to the movie?"
The two mages blinked at the question and looked at everyone else staring at them impatiently. Both sat back down embarrassed.
(cuts to Gohan looking at Yajirobe when he speaks and Korin when he speaks)
YAJIROBE: I swear, the only reason I live here is because it's rent free!
KORIN: The only reason I let you live here is because you give the best belly rubs for a hundred miles.
"Frosch likes it when Rogue gives belly rubs," Frosch ran over to its partner for a belly rub. Which the dragon slayer complied.
GOHAN: Ummm...
YAJIROBE: Don't say that in front of the kid!
"He's heard worse by this point," Freed said.
KORIN: What? You should be proud. You know how to rub this pussy real good.
"Aaaaand this is where the conversation needs to end," Sting blushed.
GOHAN: Can...I have my Senzu Beans?
"Please hurry so the boy can save his dad," Makarov said.
"And get away from the lovers quarrel," Gildarts added.
YAJIROBE: Sure, fine. Here. (throws Gohan a bag of Senzu Beans)
KORIN: Hey! Those are my Senzu Beans! You can't just-
YAJIROBE: Hey, here's another one. (throws one more Senzu Bean at Gohan)
"Ha! Just to piss him off," Bickslow grinned.
KORIN: You prick! That's it! I'm done! Grab your stuff and get off my tower!
GOHAN: (thinking) Just keep moving, Gohan. (flies off)
"Wisest choice you've made today," Erza nodded.
KORIN: Dah! Ahh, ya scared him off!
YAJIROBE: You were the one screaming your head off.
KORIN: ...I want one.
YAJIROBE: I told you. I'm not ready for kids!
KORIN: Well when WILL you be ready?
YAJIROBE: I don't know, okay?!
"I'm still wondering if they can reproduce," Millianna wanted to see cat/human babies.
(cut to inside the cave where it's now dawn and Krillin wakes up)
KRILLIN: Huh? It's morning?! Goku, are you-
GOKU: (talking in his sleep) Ah, yeah. That's right Chi-Chi. Pour that maple syrup...all over my breakfast. You beautiful lady who lives in my house.
"You think that's their foreplay?" Gajeel asked.
"GAJEEL!" Levy smacked his arm, blushing at the thought. Everyone else with any sex knowledge blushed thinking about Goku, Chi-Chi, and maple syrup in a bedroom.
(cut to Gohan riding Icarus in the sky, with Icarus flying at full speed)
GOHAN: You know, Icarus. I know you like flying fast, but maybe we should be more careful now just to-
SAUZA: Well hello, Diddy. Where's Donkey? (Gohan turns around and sees Cooler's Armored Squadron behind him and blasts Icarus, sending it flying down to the ground.)
"ICARUS!"
GOHAN: Icarus! (dodges a punch by Neiz, but he gets sent flying by another punch by him and then gets his head grabbed by Doore)
"DAMMIT!"
"GOHAN!"
"FIGHT BACK GOHAN!"
DOORE: Hey, boys! Remember when I said I once popped an ape's skull with me bare hands?
"Don't you even…" Mira curses angrily.
DOORE: Check this out. (starts crushing Gohan's head with his hand, but gets hit from behind with a ki blast and releases Gohan) Bloody hell? (the person who shot the blast is revealed to be Piccolo)
"ALRIGHT PICCOLO!"
"Oh thank god," Mira felt relieved to see Gohan safe.
"Makes me wonder where Vegeta is," Levy questions.
PICCOLO: Okay, I think I got this one. (to Sauza) Pretty one. (to Doore) Stupid one. (to Neiz) One with weird powers.
DOORE: Oi! I appreciate that but I say I'm more handsome than pretty.
SAUZA: And my powers are not zat weird!
NEIZ: (roars)
"Again, they're all stupid," Laxus groaned.
PICCOLO: ...Okay, I take it back. You're all stupid. (removes his turban)
DOORE: Someone check the clock! 'Cause I believe it's go time! (charges and tries punching Piccolo, but all he hits is his cape)
PICCOLO: ¡Olé. (elbows Doore, sending him flying past Gohan, and then starts fighting Neiz) Gohan! You know what to do!
GOHAN: Yes sir, Mr. Piccolo! (flies off)
DOORE: I got the little bugger! (chases after Gohan)
PICCOLO: I meant back me up! (fires a ki blasts at Niez, who evades it by ducking his head)
"You can handle it," Mira said, waving off any concern.
NEIZ: (makes a taunting noise)
SAUZA: You babbling fool! He was aiming for Doore! (Piccolo kicks Neiz away)
DOORE: Huh? (sees the incoming ki blast) Oh, no. No,no,no,no, no. (tries moving away from the blast, but it keeps following him) No,no, no. No, no, no, no, no. (tries blocking the ki blast with his hands) No, no, no, no, no, NO! (gets obliterated by the blast)
"One down! Two to go!" Meredy clapped her hands.
NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible gibberish and paralyzes Piccolo with an electric attack)
"Seriously!?" Kagura gasped.
SAUZA: Zat is right! I forgot you could do zat! Brilliant! I'm going to go get zat child! You finish him off and bring ze body back to Cooler! You know how he likes zat!
"Piccolo, get your green butt in gear and stop them!" Mira yelled.
NEIZ: (speaks unintelligible and approaches Piccolo)
PICCOLO: Gotcha, bitch! (grabs Neiz's face and frys him with his own attack and then fires two ki blasts at Sauza)
"A reversal? Nice touch, green guy!" Gildarts smirked.
"Now, it's just one-on-one! Piccolo's got this," Gray smiled, confidently.
SAUZA: Huh? (sees the incoming blasts and deflects them) Ha! Bon mon ami, but not bon enough. (Piccolo suddenly appears and kicks him in the face) Merde!
"Was that a good enough kick for ya?" Juvia asked, smugly.
(cut to Sauza and Piccolo flying through a forest with "The Forest Battle" from Star Wars playing)
NAIL: (Hey, know what this reminds me of? That scene from Return of the Jedi.)
"I wonder what that is?" Romeo wondered.(No, they will not watch Star Wars. Don't even think of asking.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Not now, Nail.
(Sauza fires a ki blast that destroys a small portion of the forest and takes a moment to catch his breath while standing on a tree)
SAUZA: Huh? (dodges a couple of attacks from Piccolo, who's now attacking by stretching his arms)
NAIL: (Wow, I didn't know we could do that.)
"You were too busy losing your arms to Frieza," Levy responded.
PICCOLO: (thinking) Yeah, I forget about them sometimes too.
"Depends on the situation, I guess," Yukino said.
(Sauza lights up an energy blade on his hand)
NAIL: (Oh, man. Speaking of Star Wars, check that out. Lightsaber.) (Sauza cuts Piccolo in the gi)
"I have to agree, that is pretty cool," Sting comments.
PICCOLO: (thinking) Lightsabers don't stick out of people's arms!
NAIL: (It's totally making the same sound; you can't make that up.) (Piccolo grabs Sauza's arm with both hands)
"Now headbutt him!" Natsu said.
SAUZA: If you strike me down I will only become- (gets punted into the air and above the forest) Ugh!
"That's what you get for making a reference we don't understand!" Romeo yelled.
"And for being annoying!" Juvia yelled as well.
NAIL: (And it's good!)
SAUZA: You insolent slug! You may have killed our men, but "He" won't let you get away with this.
PICCOLO: Oh, really? And who's he?
COOLER: (off-screen) That's "He" with a capital H by the way. (blasts Piccolo in the chest)
"OH COME ON!"
"PICCOLO WAS WINNING! DAMMIT!"
(cut to Krillin and Goku inside the cave)
KRILLIN: Goku, you okay?
GOKU: I've got...a fever.
"Oh no!" Yukino gasped, worried.
KRILLIN: Oh, no! what should I-
GOKU: And the only prescription...is Icarus.
The celestial wizard's face morphed into a blank stare.
KRILLIN: What?
GOKU: Dragon meat is yummy and I really want it in my tummy.
"I'm actually scared he might eat, Icarus," Carla said.
GOHAN: Dad, I'm back.
KRILLIN: What took you so long?
GOHAN: I...lost Icarus halfway here, but I have these Senzu Beans!
"Magic medicine!"
GOKU: Ahh, but those are bland and tasteless!
"Just take your medicine, Goku. Has he taken his medicine for the heart virus at all yet?" Erza wondered to herself.
GOKU: (the bag of Senzu Beans gets blasted and ignites on fire on the ground) You know, in my experience, cooking actually makes them worse.
"Aw! Really?" Natsu groaned, disappointed. Erza's metal hand smacked him in the head.
"We have more pressing matters at hand!" Erza reminded him.
SAUZA: (standing outside of the cave) Oh, I'm sorry. I saw you risking your life for those and I thought "Wow, those must be important". Please tell me they were important.
"Fricking prick!" Gray hissed.
KRILLIN: Those were our only hope, you bastard! (charges at Sauza)
GOHAN: (as Krillin is heard getting beaten up by Sauza off-screen) Krillin, no! I probably should have mentioned I still had this one.
"Yeah, but this is more entertaining," Gajeel said.
GOHAN: (takes a Senzu Bean from inside his obi) Here, Dad. Eat up.
GOKU: Why does this one smell weird?
"Because of where Gohan had put it," Lisanna explained.
(Sauza knocks Krillin through a rock)
GOHAN: Krillin! Don't worry, Dad! You take Cooler and I'll take the small fry- (Sauza kicks him away) Dad, help!
"Just stay out the way Gohan…" Lucy sweatdropped.
SAUZA: And now to lay the coup de grâce to the King of Kongs. (scouter goes off) What? Whose power level is that? It's going off the scale, but the only one in there was the dying monkey and the pig. Sacrebleu...! Could it be...the Legendary Super Swine?!
"Oolong with Super Saiyan hair!" Happy laughed.
"He'll be the one to defeat Cooler and save the world," Lisanna giggled.
"Frieza was really scared of the Super Swine, not the Super Saiyan," Romeo said.
SAUZA: (scouter blows up) Ze hell? (gasps and sees Goku fully recovered and standing outside the cave)
GOKU: So. I really don't think I appreciate you beating on my friends and family.
"Time for Goku to clean house!" Natsu's feral grin appeared.
COOLER: So, wait. Which one does this constitute? Friend or family? (shows him in the sky holding Piccolo's body) I'm going to guess friend, considering.
"Nothing wrong with green!" Evergreen yelled, offended.
"I don't think he was insulting the color," Elfman told her.
"Shut up!"
GOKU: *gasps* Piccolo! You give him here.
COOLER: Oh, I wouldn't go anywhere near him if I were you. He seems to have come down with a terrible case of explosions. (drops Piccolo)
"I've never heard of that illness before," Wendy said, confused.
GOKU: What? (Piccolo blows up and land on the ground)
"PICCOLO!"
"T-that's what he meant…" Wendy gasped.
GOKU: *gasp* Is that contagious? (gets punched in the face by Sauza, who snickers but gasps when he sees it has no effect) Seriously, I don't want to catch that.
"Sucks doesn't you Jeice rip-off!" Juvia insulted.
COOLER: Unfortunately, after I kill you, I'm to give the whole planet a terrible case of explosions. So basically I'm going to blow up the planet.
"Frieza tried it and failed," Freed said.
GOKU: Goku, attack mode activate!
(Goku powers up, knocking Sauza away, and proceeds to punch Cooler in the face and launches him with a kick. As Goku attempts to attack with another punch, Cooler stops him by grabbing both his wrists.)
COOLER: I see how you handled my little shit brother so easily. (he and Goku fall into the water and later resurfaces near a waterfall) And that is the history of my family.
"WHAT!? I WANT TO HEAR THAT!" Levy yelled, outraged.
GOKU: Wow, I'm sorry about your dad.
COOLER: Oh, don't even get me started again.
"Dads," Camna huffed.
"My sweet Canna," Gildarts moves to hug her, but Canna's foot holds him back.
GOKU: Well I assure you, if I ever have a son I'll treat him better.
"But...you...ugh…" Kagura slumps into her seat.
COOLER: Really. It's my brother's fault, pissing and moaning if he didn't own every galaxy. And didn't he just ramble on, (in a whiny voice to imitate Freeza) "'Dirty monkey' this, 'dirty monkey' that."?
"You nailed Frieza's entire character exactly!" Levy claps her hands.
"Brothers know each other best," Gray said.
GOKU: Oh, that is just him! That is exactly him! To a P.
COOLER: See, now. That's the difference between him and I. He liked to talk. I, on the other hand... (roars and transforms into his Final Form) (speaking in a voice resemblant to Bane from The Dark Knight) Tonight I dine on monkey soup.
All of the mages looked in shock at Cooler's terrifying transformation. A new form that neither Frieza or King Cold had. "This..will be an issue…" Erza said, nervously.
"Time to turn blonde, Goku!" Sting yelled.
COOLER: (covers his mouth with a mask and charges at Goku, who manages to escape by disappearing into the sky)
GOKU: Why do I let people do that? (Cooler dive kicks him, sending him across the ground, and then punches him into a wall)
The entire guild winced at the impact between Goku's body and the mountain.
COOLER: I'ma plant me a dumbass tree! (plants Goku inside the ground, who reappears between the separated water)
"If this wasn't such a bad situation, I'd totally want to take that line," Gajeel winced.
COOLER: That all you got, monkey?
GOKU: Haaaaiiiii... (turns Kaio-Ken X20 and prepares a Kaio-Ken X20 Kamehameha wave)
"Why aren't you going Super Saiyan!?" Lucy questioned, desperately.
"Now is the perfect time to go Super Saiyan!" Yukino agreed.
COOLER: Oh, this is gonna be great...!
"Yeah! For us when the kamehameha beats you!" Natsu retorted.
GOKU: (fires the X20 Kamehameha wave) ...yaaaaaaaaaaah!
COOLER: (flies through the Kamehameha wave and appears in front of Goku) Avon calling! (punches Goku into a wall and kicks him in the stomach)
The mages gape at the absolute beating Goku received from Cooler. The Saiyan from earth was outclassed in every way possible.
GOKU: (as he gets kicked) Aaaaaggghh! Ugh. (drops his head)
"GET BACK UP!"
"DON'T LET THAT KNOCK OFF FRIEZA WIN!"
COOLER: Look at you, wasted and gasping for air. But you don't get to go, yet... When your planet is in ashes... then, you have my permission to die.
"Stop trying to look cool! It's not working!" Rogue spat.
"It's kinda working," Sting mumbled.
GOKU: (falls out of the wall and yelps as he hits two rocks and hits the ground with a bird landing near him) Oh, hello birdie. I'm gonna call you...Toriyama. (Toriyama appears to die)
"No! Toriyama!" Lisanna cried.
"That poor birdie," Wendy sniffled.
GOKU: Toriyama, no! You were taken before your time. No. No... NOOOOOOOOOO!
COOLER: The Devil!?
GOKU: Go Toriyama...and teach a dinosaur to ride a ball.
"He healed him!" Lisanna cheered in happiness.
"Maybe ki works like healing magic?" Wendy pondered.
GOKU: (heals Toriyama, who flies off, and is now seen as a Super Saiyan and glares at Cooler)
"FINALLY! NOW IT'S SUPER ASS-KICKING TIME!" Natsu shouted.
"Avenge Toriyama! Even though he isn't dead anymore…" Lisanna said.
COOLER: I see. This must be the power you used to kill my brother. Well don't think that I'll- (Goku suddenly grabs his arm) Aaahhh!
"You talk as much as your brother," Laxus rolled his eyes at Cooler.
GOKU: Not going anywhere for a while?
COOLER: (breaks free and punches Goku in the stomach, which has no effect) Huh?
"Those abs of steel," Minerva licked her lips. Erza glared silent daggers at the sabertooth mage next to her.
GOKU: Grab a Snickers.
"He's dead," Gildarts leaned back in confidence.
COOLER: I can't help but feel we're both missing some context here.
"He did say something similar when he broke Frieza's hand," Levy responded.
COOLER: (groans as Goku knees him in the stomach) My gas pocket!
GOKU: Now get off my planet!
"Yeah! They have bigger fish to fry than you!" Lector said.
"FISH!?" Happy shouted, looking around for his favorite food.
"N-no there's no fish," Lector sweatdrops.
"Oh…"
COOLER: Well alright, if you insist. Ha! (fires a Death Flash at Goku, which does nothing to him, and is seen holding a Supernova after the smoke clears) Technically I can't be on a planet if there IS no planet!
"This entire family is filled with sore losers," Bickslow commented.
GOKU: Now you're just arguing semetics!
"Semantics," Carla corrected.
COOLER: By the way. Before I throw this thing, did my brother do this?
GOKU: Yeah but his was smaller.
COOLER: Knew it!
"Comparing sizes now?" Canna grew a sly grin.
COOLER: Ha! (throws the Supernova at Goku, who screams and grabs it, struggling to hold onto it) See, this is the difference. My brother would have stood around postulating and claiming his victory, like some haughty green horn child.
"So, exactly what you're doing right now?" Freed asked.
"Envy runs strong within Cooler's soul," Makarov said.
COOLER: I know what it takes to get the job done. Which is why father should have…
"Yup, just pettiness," Gray shook his head.
GOKU: (starts lifting the Supernova) Ka... Me... Ha... Me...
COOLER: Oh, that's fine. Go ahead, lift it up. I'll just make another one and-
"Then do it instead of running your mouth," Laxus spat.
GOKU: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (fires a Kamehameha wave to send the Supernova back at Cooler)
COOLER: Oh, that's getting really clo...OOOOOOOOSE-! (grabs the Supernova and gets launched into space)
"Alright! I knew a kamehameha would defeat him!" Natsu pumped his fist in excitement.
COOLER: I know there is some kind of hubristic irony to consider here, but I'm far too distracted by the coldness of space!
"I don't get it," Natsu said.
"His name is Cooler," Lucy told him. The dragon slayer's mouth made an "O" shape in understanding.
COOLER: Wait... (turns to see a light in the distance) ...no, now it's actually getting sort of toasty. (sees that the light in the distance is the Sun) Oh, shit! Now it's REALLY getting toasty! (collides with the Sun) AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EVERYTHING IS BURNING!
"Looks like Cooler is now roaster…." Millianna tried to joke.
"Just stop before you hurt yourself, sweetheart," Minerva sighed.
COOLER: (shivers in pain) I really am just like my brother...
(in flashback)
COOLER: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat, then he's going to accept the responsibility. If this comes back to bite him, that's his fault.
"He's accepted that he and his brother are alike while also realizing that his mistakes will always come back to hurt you. Maybe, if he realized this all sooner he could've won this battle," Levy finalized her notes on Cooler.
(in the present)
COOLER: (thinking) But at least I know I'm still...Cooler.
"Had to get that last one in," Gajeel snickered.
"His is definitely cooler than Frieza," Romeo said.
"I just hope this is the last of Frieza's family," Lucy prayed.(She REALLY needs to watch what she says.)
COOLER: (screams and blows up with the sun, which cause the Earth to completely black out)
MR. POPO: Huh, hold on a second. (the sun flickers back into existence and lights up the Earth)
"..."
GOKU: (is shown lying on the ground) Sun, you grow my food. You kill my enemies. You're totally worth the skin cancer.
"I don't agree with that last part," Wendy said.
KRILLIN: Goku! You're okay! (lifts Goku up)
"Of course he's ok! He's Goku," Natsu stated as a fact.
GOHAN: You won!
GOKU: Yep, and we all pitched in.
"You mean you and Piccolo did everything," Laxus corrected.
"Gohan got the senzu beans," Mira defended the half-saiyan.
"He got beat multiple times, so he didn't do anything in my book," Laxus retorted. Mira would've attacked if her siblings didn't hold her back.
"Nobody even tried to defend Krillin," Yukino sweatdropped.
GOKU: Except Icarus. (Icarus squawks) Come here! Goku's hungry!
"At this point…" Carla huffed, annoyed.
GOHAN: Wait, what are you...
GOKU: I wanna eat your dragon!
"NO!"
(the credits start rolling but suddenly stops)
"Huh?"
SAUZA: Hold ze f***ing frog legs!
"I forgot about him," Kagura said.
"We all did," Erza coughs into her hand.
SAUZA: (is seen heavily damaged and laughs evilly) You may have defeated Monsieur Cooler, but now you face the wrath of Sauza! (gets impaled by a Special Beam Cannon)
"AND THAT'S THREE FOR THREE FOR PICCOLO!" The guild cheered at the defeat of Sauza.
PICCOLO: (thinking) I will see you in space hell, cousin Jeice. (collapses on the ground, dead)
"I knew they were related!" Juvia shouts at the screen in victory.
GOKU: Seriously, give me your dragon.
("There's Always Someone Cooler" by Ben Folds starts playing as the credits roll, with the background image zooming out to reveal Icarus' skeleton)
Wendy starts crying at seeing Icarus' skeleton as Carla tries to console the affectionate girl. Everyone else(Even Natsu and Erza) could only stare disapprovingly at Goku's need to eat that poor dragon.
Chapter End