Sho had always lived in the Castle.

He had spent the first part of his life in the Castle. Sho didn't know what it had been like when he had been a baby but he did know what it had been like when he had been a little kid…and it hadn't been like this. So…so much smaller.

The house had been so much bigger when he'd been a lot smaller.

In his memories the house had been as tall as the sky and as wide as the great wall of-of China even though they were in Japan. The was surrounded by walls, too, and when Sho had been a little kid, before he could use his powers, he used to spend hours and hours out of his day trying to get to the top of the wall…and to walk it. He used to try jumping onto it from the swing set or making stairs from his toys. He had thought that once he got to the wall he would have been king of the house or at least…a least something better than what he had been.

Sho gum.

He had been nothing more than Sho gum when he'd been a little kid. Because he hadn't had his powers. Because he hadn't been as good as big sis…he would never be as good as big sis. Even if he had his powers now he knew that he would never be….he would never be her. She had been born right and he had been born wrong. She had been born lucky and he had been lucky to be born. She…everything always worked out for her. She was so lucky. She got to be with her boyfriend and…and he didn't care if dad liked her or not…but he liked her better. He had always liked her better. Back when they had been little mom had asked them to pick…which parent did they want. Which was for him and which was for her…

He picked mom. She picked dad. Mom left. She still had dad. He didn't have anyone.

He didn't want anyone. Mom was somewhere in the world….and that somewhere wasn't here. The whole house was dark. Sho could see the house from here, from just inside the front wall. All the curtains were closed…but even with the curtains closed he still should have been able to see the light coming through. That was how it had been when he had been little….

Very little.

He remembered….dad hadn't been home. It had just been him and big sis and mom. It had been winter, like now, and there had been a lot of snow on the ground. It had been after his birthday, he remembered because he had the new sled. He had wanted to go sledding and mom had said that she would take him to the hill in the park tomorrow. Tomorrow never came, though, not with mom. Not when she had been sick. Sho knew that he wouldn't have been going to the park with the hill in a long time….if ever.

So he'd made his own hill.

Mom and big sis had been inside the house playing and stuff. He couldn't remember exactly what they had been doing. All he could remember, mostly, was the feel of the snow in his boots. It had gotten into his boots and up his sleeves, too. Sho remembered how cold it had been…he kept his hands together. Mom hadn't let him go outside without gloves on, and a hat, and boots. He'd thrown the scarf. He'd taken it off and thrown it…and mom had just told him that he'd know why she made him do the things she made him do when he was older…and he went outside. That was how he had gotten outside…back when he had been very little.

He wasn't very little now.

He had made his hill over by the corner of the back wall when he'd been little. Sho's feet began to follow the path he took all those years ago. Around the house…through the bushes that would have separated the front from the back. They were more like hedges now, they were all tall and stuff. Almost as tall as he was now. He walked through them…they had been shorter when he'd been little…but he'd been shorter so it all balanced out. He walked right through these bushes…he walked right to the back and there, in that corner, he'd made the hill.

It had been a lot taller back then.

He had been a lot smaller. The wall had been this big…thing. This thing that he had to conquer. He hadn't even been able to get there on his own….but the snow helped. He'd spent…he didn't know how long he'd spent. Long enough that mom had called him in for dinner…but he'd ignored her. When she came looking for him he'd just hidden behind the swing set…

A terrible hiding spot.

The bars….he got closer. It was rusty…and thin. The bars were a lot thinner than they had been in his memory. His hands had been smaller. There hadn't been so much rust. There were hadn't been so much…it used to be red. It used to be red and now it was all rusty and brown. Things were so…so much smaller. He had been smaller, then, though. Small enough that he'd been able to hide behind it…or if mom had seen him then she had just let him play. She had been nice like that. Big sis used to do that, too, when he'd try and hide from her. He knew that she had been able to see his aura but she had still been all like 'oh no, I guess I'll have to take a bath without Sho' and then she'd taken her bath and he'd been free to keep on playing or drawing or whatever. She used to be nice….

She was still…

Sho kicked the swing set. He didn't hurt it…and he hadn't been trying to! He had been trying to…to kick big sis? No! No, he couldn't hurt her…he had hurt her. He'd pushed her and then…and then she had been hurt. He couldn't be a better little brother…even though he'd tried he couldn't. He had tried and then…and then all of those years were just…gone. Like all the hours he'd spent trying to build that hill….it must have been hours. He kicked the ground, the snow, there was snow here…not in Tokyo but here…like there had been when he had been a kid.

Mom was the one who'd had to dig him out.

He'd been little, way too little. He'd made the snow pile taller than him. He'd used all the snow in the yard and when he was done he thought that….that it had been the perfect opportunity, he had thought, to climb the wall. To get up there. Big sis had been able to fly, back then, not for very high or for very long but she had been able to do it. Dad had told her that he was proud of her…he had never said that to Sho. He had just told Sho to leave them alone….that he had no reason to be there…that he was unnecessary.

That he was Sho gum.

Sho kicked the snow…it didn't get rid of the feeling.

The feeling that he was little and…and squished. That he was gum that was sitting there on the bottom of his shoes. That he should have been nothing else but…but to be there and just get ground down and stepped on. That he just…he kicked the snow again. He kicked it again and again and again until he made a little hill.

If he had been little then it would have been a mountain.

He had been so little…the yard had so much snow…but he remembered. He had gone under. He had tried to use the hill to get to the wall. He thought that if he had been able to get up to the wall, that if he had been able to walk it, that dad would have thought that it had been cool. That Sho had been cool. That Sho had been more than what he was…that he would have been more than Sho gum. That he would have been more than…that he would have been enough.

He had been kind of stupid back when he'd been a little kid.

He had been stupid enough to think that he would ever have been enough for dad. He had been mom's, he had been enough for her, and that should have been enough. She had been the one to dig him out of the snow pile, not dad. He had gone under the snow…he had been too heavy and the whole thing had come apart under his feet. He went under and it had been so cold…and dark. It had been cold and dark and he had tried, as hard he could, to dig himself out. He had dug himself deeper, probably, so deep and so cold…but then mom had been there. She had dug him out of the snow. He hadn't even made it to the wall…and he'd made her put him down…

He had been such an idiot.

He had pushed his way out of mom's arms and then ran into the house. He had ran past big sis. She had…she had tried to see him…to see what was wrong with him. She had always looked at him like he was Sho. He could have been Sho gum to her, like he had been Sho gum to dad, but he hadn't been anything other than….than her little brother. Than a person. Than Sho….than what he looked like to dad. But he pushed her…he pushed her back then and he pushed her now….he pushed the wall. He pushed it. He kicked it. He slapped it. He punched it. He felt…it felt….he just…

He sat down.

He sat down in the snow and kicked it. He didn't know…he didn't know. He didn't know what he didn't know. He only knew….he knew that he was Sho gum. He had pushed his sister…he had pushed the one person in the whole world that didn't look at him like he was the gum that came from the bottom of her shoe. She…but it didn't matter. He had still messed up. He had messed up and….and…..and it wasn't fair! None of this was fair!

Why was the wall so low!?

He stood up. It was so low…he was so tall….he was taller now because he had gotten older…but what was the point of getting older if everything always just stayed the same!? He was still Sho gum. He had been Sho gum since the day he had been born and he was Sho gum now. He had hurt her and…and it wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that she got to be with someone she loved and…and it wasn't fair that dad liked her better…and he shouldn't have even cared who dad liked better! He should have been happy that dad didn't bother him about shit! He should have been happy that dad didn't care what he said or did…so long as he didn't fuck with Claw. That he didn't fuck with dad's dream. That meant not having a boyfriend, that meant that he had go get married and have kids and…and he should have broken up with Emmy. He hadn't said anything to her in a long time and….and he was cheating on her…

He had made himself into Sho gum.

Someone had trusted him, loved him, felt the same way about him that he felt about Ritsu and….he was Sho gum. He pushed his sister and cheated on his girlfriend…he was like dad. He was as big of an asshole as dad was….he just…it was like….he didn't want this! He shouted. He shouted and shouted and shouted. There wasn't anyone around to hear him. They were far from any neighbors and the house was empty. He could shout as much as he wanted…mom had never let him shout like this….

But mom wasn't here.

Mom was gone. She was gone and he was here…she had been gone for so long. If he went in the house…she wouldn't have been there. He could see the windows. They were black. She didn't live there anymore. She had left…she had left and big sis…he had left big sis. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was just how their family worked. They all just left one another. He wiped his eyes. Cold. Snow. There was snow everywhere. He sank into it, his legs did. He was…a lot taller now. Even if he got to the top of the wall, though, it wouldn't have changed anything. Even though enough time had passed that he could have gotten up there without his powers it wouldn't have changed anything.

He was still Sho gum.

He grabbed the top of the wall. The snow was like cold fire against his hands. He didn't have gloves…or a real coat. He wasn't a little kid, he didn't need someone to tell him how to dress…and he didn't need help getting to the top. Even if he fell, like the time when he fell and broke his arm, he'd be fine. It wasn't like Fukuda was there to put him back together. He pulled to the top. The distance wasn't much…he stood on the top of the wall. He could see the house, the swing set, the tree, where the flowers should have grown…he could see the whole thing from here.

It was just a house.

It was just…a place where people had lived. He was back. He didn't know what he had been expecting. That mom would have been there waiting for him. That she would have been here all this time. That she would have hugged him and asked him what was wrong. That he would have told her what had happened, how he had pushed big sis, and how she'd had to run away from him…how he'd had to run away from her. He would have told her and she…she wouldn't have hated him…she would have held him. She would have loved him, too, even if he told her about…about Ritsu.

About how he loved him.

Ritsu was the bravest person in the world. Ritsu had gotten kidnaped and nearly brainwashed and it had just pissed him off. He was planning on taking down dad, just him and this really annoying guy who complained too much. Fuck him…fuck that guy. He didn't know why Ritsu wanted to be his friend…he didn't know…a lot of stuff. Like where Ritsu was. It hurt…he could have told mom that it hurt. That it all hurt so much….she would have held him. She would have held him and told him that everything was going to be ok. She loved him…she had loved him….but she was gone now…

Sho fell.

He let himself fall. He let himself fall backward into the snow. The ground was hard but the snow was cold and soft. It was like that part in Frozen where they fell off the cliff. That used to be the only part of the movie that he had liked…if he had been little, if he had been in the house with big sis, then they probably would have been watching Frozen…but that wasn't how it was, now. Things were different. Things were…they were something that he hadn't been able to see coming. How much things had changed…how much bigger he got…

How much smaller the house was now.

Everything….everything was different…but the fact that he was Sho gum. Even though the house and the wall had gotten so much smaller…he was still…he was still Sho gum. He….he didn't know…it hurt! It hurt and he didn't know how to make it stop! Mom wasn't here to dig him out of the snow this time. Mom wasn't here to hold him. Mom wasn't here to try and pick him up. Mom was just…she was somewhere and he was here…

He was here.

"I'm here….I'm here! I'm here!" shouted Sho. He didn't actually think that mom would come running…or big sis. He was alone. He was all alone and…and it hurt…but everything hurt. Being in this yard…he had gotten hurt so many times in this yard. Jumping off the swings, trying to climb the wall, even when dad…when dad got mad. He used to throw Sho around the yard…or take him out here to hit him where Mom couldn't see…she always got so upset when dad hit him…

But she never tried to stop him.

Not like big sis did. She had told dad to stop…but all Sho had done was push her. He sucked. He sucked dick in a public bathroom for ten yen coins during golden week like an out of work businessman. He cheated on his girlfriend…he had someone he loved who he just…he had put Ritsu in danger for no reason…he hadn't even been home. Sho…he sucked. He knew that he sucked and he had no idea how to stop sucking….so maybe he just needed to sit down in the snow and freeze. Maybe he should just sit here in the snow and freeze like in that movie that big sis didn't like….

Maybe he'd go crazy and kill everyone.

"All work and no play makes Sho…cold." Said Sho as he looked over his head at the house. That did look kind of like the hotel. Maybe he was the crazy guy who was going to chop up his whole family…so everyone was safe since nobody lived here…he lived alone. This was his house now, his Castle, and he lived alone in it…this was where he lived now. This was…he lived here and…and at least he couldn't fuck up here….at least he couldn't hurt big sis anymore here. At least….at least he was finally back home….back at the house, like he had always wanted….at least he lived in the Castle again.

The Castle was his home again…it was cold.