Sho couldn't believe he used to play with this stuff.

Baby toys. These were all baby toys. That was because he used to play with them when he had been a baby. He had been six the last time he had been in this house. Now he was twelve. That was half his life. He couldn't believe that he had ever spent half of his life in this house, in this room. This was his house, this was his Castle, and these were his toys.

Baby toys.

He kicked over his bucket of plastic animals. He remembered this game. Menagerie. That was a big word for zoo. Mom had been the one to call it menagerie. Sho used to call it zoo, or animals. Aminals, because he hadn't been able to talk very well back then. He'd talked like baby sis, probably, like a little kid did…because he had been a little kid back then.

He was a big kid now.

Too big for this room. It had been a lot bigger when he had been little. He used to try, to challenge himself, to jump from his bed to big sis's and then back again. He hadn't ever made it. He hadn't been big enough to make the jump. He hadn't ever made it more than halfway. That was because his legs had been shorter…because he had been shorter back then. He'd been a lot younger. He could have made the jump now. It wasn't like there was anyone around who could have told him to stop, not to jump on the bed.

It wasn't like anyone else was here.

Mom was gone. Big sis was with her boyfriend. Dad was off doing dad shit. He was the only person in the whole Castle. When he had been little, really little, he used to imagine what it would have been like if he lived alone. Like if nobody else was around, not that they were all dead or had run away or something. He used to think about how he would stay up all night and play all day. How he would watch whatever he wanted on TV and play videogames until he got tired, not until he ran out of screen time. He would have been able to jump on all the beds, too, not just his own. Big sis's bed, mom and dad's bed, any bed. He would have even gotten a whole bunch of beds and replaced the floor with beds so he could just jump from room to room.

It would have been great.

He could do that now. He jumped onto his bed…it wasn't as high up as it had been before. Back when he'd been little he used to have to climb into bed. He was bigger now…and he could do whatever he wanted. He didn't have anyone who could tell him what to do. No more mom, no more dad, and no more big sister. He was here in the Castle…this Castle…his Castle. He was the only Suzuki in all of Castle Suzuki.

And he could jump on the bed if he wanted to.

He didn't even have to use his powers to do it. He just jumped from his bed to big sis's. He landed just fine, he didn't fall over the side or anything. He didn't even break the bed like mom had always warned him about. You'll break the bed. Mom used to warn him about that and then she would kiss him on the top of his head…and then he would do it anyway. Mom loved him so it wasn't like she would ever have punished him. Not like dad. Dad was always the one who punished him. Mom used to tell him that dad loved him in his own way. Well that wasn't true. He didn't know if she had been lying to him or if she had just been dumb…no…his mom wasn't dumb. She just…believed crazy stuff about dad. Like it was even possible for him to care about anyone other than himself.

It wasn't.

Sho jumped back over to his bed. If dad had been there then he would have told Sho not to act like that. Not to have fun. Not to do anything that would have made life just a little bit better. Funner. Easier. He didn't know what dad had against fun…or maybe it was just something against Sho himself having fun. Dad had fun all the time, he had pretty much ruined Minecraft and was trying his best to ruin Pokémon too. Dad just didn't like it when Sho had fun…because he hated him. Sho knew that dad hated him and had known for a while. Dad tried to say that he didn't but Sho knew better.

He wasn't an idiot.

"Stop that. You look like an idiot." Said Sho as he jumped on the bed. Up and down and then down and then up. Dad, if he had been around, would have used his powers to push Sho off the bed. Just as he got to the top, just as he'd jumped as high as he could, dad would have used his powers to shove him. Sho…he had been little. Dad had pushed him and instead of landing on the soft bed he, instead, landed on his bucket of animals.

Good thing he kicked it over then.

Not good for his animals. The dogs and cats, the lions and tigers, the giant mice, the tiny elephants, the wooden ones and the plastic ones. He even had some cool ones made from metal and rocks. Dad had gotten him those on one of his trips. Sho had thought, even after he had fallen, that dad must have still loved him. Because he always came back with presents. Presents didn't mean anything. Dad got him presents every single year on his birthday and every year they didn't mean anything more than 'this is what I have to do'. Dad hated him…and he hated dad…

He hated everyone.

"I hate you." Whispered Sho. He whispered even though he knew that dad wasn't there. He whispered like….like he was still scared of dad. He wasn't scared! Dad may have been really big and really strong…but Sho was strong too! He was bigger and stronger now than he had ever been before. He hadn't been this big when he left. The clothes on the ground looked like doll clothes. If he laid down in this bed he would have had to let his feet hang over the back. He didn't think that…that he was so little anymore…but the thought of facing dad….for real….

"I hate you." Said Sho. The thought of facing dad should have been…it should have been awesome! Thinking about kicking his ass should have made him happy not…whatever this feeling was. Scared, maybe? Like he was little again. Like he wanted to run and hide. Like he wanted to find mom and hide behind her legs. She had been so tall…it had been so safe behind her…but she was gone. She was gone and he was here on his own.

"I hate…." Said Sho. Mom was…mom. She had left him. She had left him all alone with dad. She had just gotten up one day and left like…like she didn't have any kids. Like this was a….a house….a doll house. He stopped jumping. There, in the corner, was big sis's dollhouse. There was a family still in there. A mom, a dad, a boy, a girl, and a baby that could be either a boy or a girl. That was what a family looked like…like dolls. Mom had just…she had just left like they were her doll kids and not her real kids. Not he had a dad, a sister, and a baby….well the baby was a little kid now and also a girl. He jumped off the bed. Before he knew what he was doing he kicked it as hard as he could.

And then he kicked it again.

"I hate you!" shouted Sho as he kicked big sis's dollhouse. Stupid doll house with it' stupid doll family…the whole thing was just so…so stupid! That wasn't how…how it was supposed to be! Family wasn't just the kind of thing that…that could be started and stopped and paused like a game! This was life and…and mom couldn't just leave and…and big sis couldn't…she couldn't….she couldn't….

She couldn't….

He couldn't push her…and he couldn't break her stuff. He stopped kicking. There wasn't really anything left to kick at this point. There was just wood and tiny furniture. That was it. Wood. That was…the Castle was made of wood and bricks and stuff. It would have been a lot harder to kick down. Not that he wanted to kick the Castle down…this was his home now. He couldn't ever go back…even if it was still really cold in here. The heat would kick in and then it would be ok and then…and then he could spend his life here. He had pushed big sis…he wasn't supposed to do that anymore…

He had promised himself.

He sat down and picked at the wood. He had promised that he would never hurt big sis again, that he wouldn't end up like dad…but here he was. He was an asshole. Dad beat people up so badly that they bled. Sho had scratched big sis so bad she bled back when they had been little…and then he had decided to stop. He had decided that he wasn't going to be ever be that kind of person.

He had fucked up.

"I'm sorry." said Sho. This was the only way he could say sorry, when there wasn't anyone else around. He knew that he had to say sorry to big sis. She deserved that. She deserved…she had done so much…she was the only person in their family who loved him. The only person who wasn't Mukai…but she was two. She loved everyone, even dad. One day she would either side with dad or side with him. One day dad would tell Mukai to hate him…or she would hate dad…there was so much hate. Big sis probably hated him. He'd pushed her.

She had betrayed him, though….

He had told her to cover for him but then she came looking for him…and not for him. She had come looking for him so she could see her stupid boyfriend. He was such an asshole. He only had weird tea and he only played FIFA and he was a sore winner and a sore loser at the same time…and he wasn't that cute even….he sucked! He sucked and big sis had betrayed her own brother for him. Sho would never have betrayed her for anyone, not even Ritsu. Ritsu was…he was the bravest person that Sho had ever met in is life…but even for him he wouldn't have betrayed big sis. She had betrayed him. She was with her boyfriend now…her boyfriend the liar and the betrayer...

How could she have?

He was happy that he had broken her dollhouse. He was happy that he had pushed…no. That was too far. Dollhouse breaking was ok but pushing…pushing made him like dad. Pushing turned him into the person that he had never wanted to be. He hated dad…he hated dad so much….Sho closed his eyes. He hated dad so much that it hurt…

He hated that he was dad.

A part of him. He was a part of dad and a part of mom. That was how it worked when you had kids. No matter where he went and what he did he would always have had dad's blood and his powers and…and all the stuff that made dad 'dad'. He was part of mom, too, but he didn't see it. Mom had been so nice all the time. She had been so nice and…and she had cared about him so much but…but she still ran away…like he had run away.

So he was like mom after all.

Why did she have to go!? If she had been there then…then she could have held him and told him that it was all going to be ok. Like she always did…like she had done when he'd been little. He used to cry so much. Dad used to punish him all the time…but mom had always been there until she hadn't been. She had just run away…like Sho had. He'd run away from big sis. He'd run away from little sis. He'd run away from his friends…and from his boyfriend. He had no idea where Ritsu was and…and even if it had taken weeks and months and years he should have just waited for Ritsu….

He had run away from his own boyfriend.

He loved Ritsu. He loved him so much…it hurt. His heart hurt. The goldfish from his stomach had moved into his heart and it was swimming around like crazy. It was bumping into the walls and stopping the blood from going in and out. It was just…going…and going and going and going. That was what love felt like…it hurt…or maybe it just hurt when you were away from the person you loved. He…he should have stayed and waited for Ritsu…

Then they could have been together.

He didn't care what they did together. He didn't care if they stayed up all night talking again or kissing or…or even if they just stared at each other. He just wanted Ritsu back….he needed Ritsu back. He needed to be with his boyfriend. He didn't know how mom could have run away if this was how much it hurt to be away from the person you loved….well she must not have loved dad. She must have realized how terrible he'd been, how much of a bad person he was, and she stopped loving him and she ran away….without taking him and big sis. She just left him with dad…

Everyone left.

He'd left and Ritsu had…he had gone somewhere with his family…but that was the story that big sis's liar of a boyfriend had told. He had told him that Ritsu would be back, too, but he had been lying. Ritsu could have been gone forever for all Sho knew…since that was what people did. The people who loved him. The people who loved him always left him in the end….Sho was always alone in the end. Ritsu was just…he was gone.

Sho laid down.

He laid right down on the rug. It hurt. He was laying on his toys…on what was left over from big sis's doll house. He looked up. His whole menagerie was looking at him. They were wondering, probably, where he had been all these years and why he had come back now. Why he had come back if he was just going to ruin everything. Maybe he should have just left forever…everyone always left him…or betrayed him. Maybe he was just supposed to spend his whole life all alone…

He closed his eyes.

He didn't need them right now. There was nothing to look at. Just a messy room that was way too small and…..and….there. He could sense…oh. Fukuda. He kept his eyes closed. Fukuda had found him…somehow. He had been careful, he had left his phone at home even, but Fukuda was here. Right now. He was getting closer…Sho could tell where he was with his mind's eye. Shimazaki would have bene so happy….but Sho had run away from him….not that Shimazaki would ever have liked him back…and not that Sho even liked him anymore. He couldn't like anyone who was scared of dad.

Not like a boyfriend or a friend or anything.

Fukuda was scared of dad. Sho could feel him getting closer. Sho knew that Fukuda had only come here because he was scared of what dad would have done to him if Sho went missing. That was all. Sho didn't care. He wasn't moving. He was going to lay here forever. Fukuda could be as scared as he wanted to be. Fukuda could be scared of dad, Sho didn't have to be. Sho was running away, he had run away, and now this was where he'd run away to and even if he had to lay here for a million years he was never going to move.

Ever.

He didn't move when he heard the front door open. He didn't move when he heard Fukuda calling out to him. He didn't move when Fukuda made his way down the hallway. He would have moved if he'd been younger, if he'd still been a little kid. He used to always run to the door when Fukuda got there. He used to always be excited to see him, to play with him. He used to come by all the time. He and mom had been friends. They used to hang out together all the time. Fukuda used to help her make dinner and then afterwards they would all watch TV or play together….it had been so…he had been little. He wasn't little anymore and he didn't get to…to feel….any of this….

He wasn't a little kid anymore.

"Sho! Are you-" said Fukuda as he came in through the door. Sho didn't look up, he just laid there.

"I'm fine. No concussions, contusions, or abrasions." Said Sho. He didn't even open his eyes, he didn't feel like it. There didn't seem to be a point. He knew that Fukuda was there, Fukuda knew that he was there, so what would have even been the point?

"Then why are you on the floor? And what happened in here?" asked Fukuda as he sat down next to Sho. Sho just turned his back.

"What do you care? Just go back to dad. Tell him that I live here now and if he has a problem with it then he can go suck a dick." Said Sho. He expected Fukuda to gasp and tell him something about language…well that was fine. If he wanted to freak then he could freak out. Sho didn't even care anymore.

"He should…but I won't tell him that. Now come on, we have to get home. It's freezing in here." Said Fukuda. Sho opened his eyes and sat up. That was…not what he had been expecting. What in the…this was Fukuda. Same green coat, same green aura, same green everything. Even if he hadn't been in green then he still would have been Fukuda…he was just more like himself when he wore green.

"It's December, it's freezing everywhere." Said Sho as he closed his jacket around himself. He didn't care if it was cold. He didn't care if Fukuda was here. He didn't care about anything else than being here…and being alone. He didn't need Fukuda. He didn't need anyone.

"Not at home." Said Fukuda

"This is my home." Said Sho

"This isn't a home, Sho, it's just four walls and a roof." Said Fukuda. How….how could he even say that?! This was…this was the Castle! Even with no people in it the Castle was still home! How could Fukuda even…how could he even say anything like that?! He….he sucked!

"It IS home! This is my home and I live in it now! This is my Castle and it's my home and…and if you don't want to be here then you can leave." Said Sho

"This isn't a home…not without…." Said Fukuda. He looked away, then, down at the rug. Sho followed the path his eyes took. That was just the rug. What was he even looking at…and what was he even saying!? This was the Castle! This was home! This was home and…and Fukuda…this had been his home too! Sort of….he used to come over a lot. He even used to sleep over all the time. This was…he knew just as well as Sho did that this was home even if…even if everyone was gone!

"Without what?! This is the Castle! This is…this is home!" said Sho

"This is…it's just a place…but if this is where you want to be then this is where I want to be too." Said Fukuda

"You just said that it was freezing." Said Sho

"It is…but if this is where you want to be then this is where I want to be too." Said Fukuda. Sho had no clue what he had just heard. Fukuda…wasn't scared of dad? But he'd spent his whole life being scared of dad?! It didn't….it didn't make sense!

"….you're not scared of dad?" asked Sho. That couldn't have been what he had meant…it didn't make sense. Sho…he could feel it. Hope. He hoped…hoping was like wishing. None of it was real. Wishes and hopes didn't mean anything else but disappointment and pain.

"Let me deal with your dad." Said Fukuda. That was…he didn't sound like he was lying…but people lied all the time. Even Fukuda had lied. Fukuda believed in pragmatic choices. Sho didn't believe in those anymore. They were real, of course, but he didn't put any faith in them. They didn't ever make anything better. If anything they just made everything worse.

"…you wouldn't, you're too scared of him. Everyone's too scared of him." said Sho. If even Shimazaki was scared of him then what chance did Fukuda have? The only person who truly wasn't afraid of dad was Ritsu…but there was nobody else like Ritsu in the entire world. Sho knew. He'd been around the world and the only person like Ritsu that he'd ever met had been Ritsu himself.

"I love you more than I'm scared of him, alright? And right now…you need me. I don't know what happened but-" said Fukuda. No…no…no! This wasn't…Fukuda was just…he had just said all of that because he wanted to know what had happened. He was just being nosy and…and he didn't care! Nobody cared! Not even…if big sis didn't care then…then how could he have expected anyone else to care!?

"Fuck you! I don't need you or-or anyone! And nothing happened! Nothing but me being stupid!" said Sho. He had been stupid to trust big sis's boyfriend and…and he'd been stupid to trust Fukuda and…and he was stupid! He was such an idiot and…and…fuck this and fuck him and fuck…fuck everything!

"You weren't stupid and you didn't do anything wrong. I'm guessing that all of this has to do with your sister." Said Fukuda

"Yes! No! I don't know! I just…I told her to cover for me! I told her to cover for me but she was so scared of dad to-to-to cover for me! She just…she came after me and…and because she wanted to see her boyfriend and…and why does she get to see her boyfriend I don't! It's not fair and-and-and nothing's fair and-" said Sho

"I know. I know that nothing is fair. I know that it hurts seeing her with her boyfriend when you can't see yours. I know what it's like to be in love with someone who you…who you can't be with." Said Fukuda. Sho shoved him. It didn't hurt nearly as much as pushing big sis.

"You don't have a girlfriend. You've never been in love." Said Sho. What did Fukuda know? He had never once had a girlfriend in the whole time that Sho had known him. He didn't know what it was like to love someone, to know where they were but not be able to see them, to feel so tired and hurt that you…that you didn't even know….that it felt like it would never stop!

"I have. I loved…there was a woman once who I loved more than anything else in the world. I would have done anything for her. I did do anything for her. I…love can make a person do the craziest things. Like run away from home." Said Fukuda

"I would have come back eventually. I would have…I just wanted to see Ritsu. That's all. I just wanted to…to be with him. That's all I really wanted and…I didn't get to see him on my birthday or…or any of the other times I wanted to see him…and it's not fair. I just wanted to see Ritsu and….and then…" said Sho. He wiped his eyes. Fukuda reached up but Sho slapped his hand away. He could cry whenever the fuck he felt like it!

"I know. I know it hurts…and it's ok that it hurts. If you want to cry then you can cry. I won't stop you. If you want to get away from your sister then we can stay here for a little bit. Whatever you want we can do." Said Fukuda. Sho didn't even know what he wanted to do….that was the problem! He just….he cried. That was all he could do. He felt his eyes telling him to cry so…so he did. He cried because it hurt…because everything hurt…and there was nothing that he could do about it.

He was too old to cry.

This was a little kid's room but he wasn't a little kid anymore. He was too big for this. He wasn't any better than Fukuda or…or the others. Here he was, crying, when he should have been planning. He should have been planning how he would make this better, how he would take down dad, how he would make things right…how he would make this the kind of life that he'd always wanted. One where he could be with who he loved. That was what he should have been doing but instead he just….cried…

Like he belonged in this room. Like he was a….like a little kid.