Chapter 1: Everything has Changed/Clearing the Air
Ryan found himself wishing that he hadn't taken his bike down to the pier. Nothing would've made him happier than to lose himself staring across the Pacific Ocean. To just forget about all these holidays. Thanksgiving had already been a moderate disaster. The ominously named Chrismukkah he had heard Sandy joke about didn't sound much better.
But as he sat on the pier, his concern about the bike being stolen only compounding how out of place he suddenly felt. Does anyone in Newport worry about their $50 BMX being stolen?
"Ahh, hey". The soft, breathy voice jumped him out of his thoughts of Chino and Newport. Turning his head around, he realised Anna would've completely gotten the jump on him. So much for being vigilant for the bike.
"Ahh," He said breathlessly, "Anna". She smiled, she was wearing a comparatively simple outfit to her normal brash stylings. A brown denim jacket, some sort of light blue sweater?
Comparatively simple , Ryan thought to himself.
"Are," she paused, thinking about the next words carefully, "Are we allowed to talk?"
"I...Yes?" he said, wincing slightly, " Seth isn't that paranoid".
'I wasn't just thinking about Seth…"
Anna let the words hang in the air, observing his reaction. Ryan was something of a mystery to her still. From the day they'd met at Cotillon he had always been chasing Marissa. He had abandoned her for Marissa on the first day they'd known each other. That had stung. She had actually been looking forward to Cotillon on the muscular arm of Newport's Most Wanted, she had even told him.
She'd genuinely just been looking forward to getting to know Ryan. Having him turn up with Marissa after leaving her without a date. Picking Mrs Perfect Newport over a fellow outsider.
"Oh," he said. Ahh yes, the man of few words, Anna thought. Guess you'll have to fill the void, Cohen Style .
"My soul still has scorch marks from the looks Princess Mononoke gave at dance practice for Cotillon. If I had had to put money on a Cooper getting into a fight that night, I wouldn't have picked her dad. It is probably better you picked her". As she finished, she realised how that must've come across. Her first attempt at filling the Ryan Atwood silence and she had tripped at the first hurdle. She'd shattered the first hurdle into splinters.
Anna watched Ryan intently, expecting a reaction. It didn't come. His gaze remained set on the horizon. She eyed his leather jacket and hoodie. How he could wear that and not bake to death, she had no idea, even in November, Newport was hardly cold.
"About Cotillon…" he said eventually, but trailed off.
"It is okay, I'm sorry. If you think we can sit and talk and it won't result in fist fights and break-ups, let's go crazy. I don't care about Cotillon, it wasn't meant to come out like..." he smiled, visible relief on his face and Anna found herself stopping mid-sentence. What a smile. Had she ever seen him smile? Maybe once, at that damned Cotillion, at her. At a joke she had made, before she had arrived.
Oh god, I do care about Cotillon , she realised.
"Anna?" Ryan asked, the smile disappeared into confusion at her lack of response.
"Ahh, sorry, yes. Long story short Ryan, I'd like to sit with you". He had cleared a space on the bench and she sat down between him and the bike. She couldn't believe how flustered she'd just become by a smile.
They sat in silence for a moment and it felt like victory. Since Cotillion and Carnival, they'd felt like friends by association. But there had always been something unspoken, they had never cleared the air. They had moments together, Carnival, classes, the Yacht party but everything was dominated by Seth and Marissa.
This doesn't really count as having cleared the air, Anna thought sardonically. But maybe this is it. It is like a quarter clear...Maybe.
Anna realised with delight the silence wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't a Newport silence. Where the next insult was being formulated, the next scheme readied for deployment. She knew Ryan was contemplative, occasionally misguided maybe. But she also appreciated more than most that he was just trying to work out the world. So Anna sat there, trying to work it out with him.
"Do you want to talk about Seth?" he asked after a while.
"Not really." Seth was the last thing Anna wanted to talk about with him. "He apologised the other day, to me and Summer, at once. It was weird, but good".
"Ahh yes, he mentioned…" Ryan sighed, playing gently with his leather wristband. "Weird but good. That sums up Seth alright". She smiled at him, he clocked it just in time and smiled back, before they naturally broke it off and stared across the ocean and onto the horizon.
The comfortable silence between them returned and Ryan was surprised. Normally Seth was itching to fill the void with noise, and often he liked it. He had just assumed Anna was mostly a female Seth. Maybe he'd assumed too quickly.
"So you sailed to Tahiti?"
"Yup, last summer".
"Impressive. Alone?"
"All alone. Didn't used to mind it so much, being alone. Before I got here."
Anna realised she was enjoying letting him talk, and despite his reputation he did talk eventually. She saw a look of consternation flash across the young man's face as he raised himself from the slight slouch he'd been in.
"I can relate, it doesn't feel like I've had two minutes alone since I got here. Just one crisis after another".
Anna tried to hold back the words but they were out of her mouth before she realised.
"Well, you have been trying to save Marissa the entire time", she blinked in disbelief at what she had said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I can leave". She went to get up, Ryan reflexively reached out and his hand brushed her bare arm. His hand lingered for a second too long before he withdrew it and laughed.
"It is okay, I didn't mean it like that either. I don't think". He paused, a serious look on his face. She felt like he was taking in every aspect of her being in those piercing blue eyes. "Don't go, please. I think I have something I want to say". Anna eyed him, leather jacket, broad shoulders, a nearly desperate desire to be understood in his eyes.
Anna sat back down, slowly. Her heart raced.
"We okay?" Ryan asked. She nodded.
More silence, this time uncomfortable. Deeply uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry", Ryan said, turning to her.
"Ryan it…"
"No, please. Let me finish," he gave a faint smile. "I promise I'll string sentences together, given enough time".
Anna couldn't help but smile, her tension from her reflexively iconoclastic comment.
"Sorry, I was only trying to help. I didn't mean to cut you off". Ryan nodded, his eyes firmly on her.
"You might think I was just chasing after Marissa at Cotillon, loved up and ignoring everything else. But I know what I did. It is what I've done too often since I got here." he leaned forwards, clasping his hands together. "Your words stuck with me. With everything that came after. Tijuana, confronting her mother, hell I nearly gave up on getting into one of the best schools in the state for a girl I've known for only a few months". He stopped, running his hand through his hair and turning away from her again.
"Each time your words rang in my ear,
'Oh look who decided to show up'
'Your hitman took care of it, I didn't feel a thing'".
Ryan shook his head.
"'No, too late. You missed your shot'".
As he finished the last word he took in a deep breath. Anna didn't dare speak for fear of derailing whatever this was.
To both of them it felt like that breath went on for an eternity. Anna couldn't turn away. She couldn't believe he remembered anything about her.
"Then you called Marissa 'Princess Mononoke'", he craned his head around to her, "which I had to ask Seth about, by the way." she smiled, he looked away again.
"Ryan", she said softly, he slowly held up his hand, she stopped.
"'Oh, so now you care?." Ryan gave a sad smile as he looked up at her, "And then finally, 'go'. I still remember your face when you said Go...". He said, pain on his face, leaning back as he finished.
"Look, Ryan. I was hurt. I'm-"
"I'm not saying it to guilt you. I'm saying it so you know that I know what I'm apologising for. You were right to say it. What I did, what I did to you was..."
The words failed him. He took another breath in, she watched his chest rise and fall. "You were new in town, and kind to me, funny as hell. Didn't judge me based on who I was. You were an outsider, you needed someone and I wasn't there, was I?" Pain flashed across his face again. "I was just….running after Marissa...At the expense of the world''.
Anna watched ten, twenty seconds after he finished talking, just in case. She realised she was shaking slightly and that Ryan had said his piece.
"Ryan…Thank you", he looked back at her and saw her smile and his sharp blue eyes lit up. They sat, the waves now audible beneath the pier.
"I have no right to ask this. I enjoyed hanging out with you at the carnival, and at the Cohen's, y'know, when Seth wasn't hiding you in his room." He searched for more words. "I was wondering if you'd give me another shot...Be friends. Like actual friends, not just hanging around with Seth friends".
"I'd like that" she said softly, "I'd like that a lot".
"Cool...Cool". He said, breathing out as if it was the first breath he'd taken in an hour.
"Not used to saying that much huh?"
"Having to give more and more speeches since I got here y'know", he smirked.
"Oh!" she exclaimed, pushing him slightly, "I just thought of a way better response to can we be non-Seth-Centric friends! Can I get another take?" Ryan laughed slightly.
"Uh, sure?" Maybe she was like Seth after all
Anna pretended to think, stroking her chin.
"Well, it just so happens I have a vacancy at the moment",
"Lucky me", Ryan said, shaking his head at the absurdity.
"Very, you have good qualifications. I could use a friend that isn't from Newport". She said, raising her eyebrows.
"Me too", he said, raising his back.
"But remember, I might not be from Newport but I'm still a rich kid", she said, pointing at the pier dinner. "And I hear you don't like 'nuthin' about rich kids," she giggled.
Ryan looked down at the wooden planks and sighed.
"Ahh, Seth told you about that".
"Even if he hadn't I've heard it from about 4 other people, you are the talk of the town".
"Newport's Most Wanted…" he sighed.
"Hey, no brooding", she said, clicking her fingers, he turned to face her. "It would've been nice to debut with Newport's Most Wanted, genuinely. I was hurt, I meant what I said", she paused, saw the regret creep across his face, "but I want to be your friend Ryan, you seem...well, great".
"You too, I mean it. It wasn't for a lack of interest I didn't reach out, but everything is always so crazy here. Only a few days ago Sandy told me how you roasted Caleb about the Heights at Thanksgiving", he let out a whistle. "Wow".
"What can I say, you aren't the only one who doesn't fit in around here".
Ryan let out a small and genuine laugh, as he laid his hand on the BMX. The wind picked up for just a moment, the breeze was cooling, Anna realised she'd need to leave soon. But not yet. That this had even happened at all, she wasn't ready to stop this.
"I can't believe you can be mega-rich and still an outsider in this place". Ryan said eventually.
"Pittsburgh, ew", Anna said, mimicking Summer. Ryan raised his hand.
"Chino, ew", She let out a breathy laugh, he looked down and smiled.
"Deal breakers, apparently", she said smugly.
For a few minutes they said nothing. Both slowly felt their nerves and shaking subside, Ryan hadn't fully known the words had been in him, but seeing Anna, having the time to think. It had made all the difference. And if Ryan was surprised, Anna was entirely blown away by what had just occurred.
By the time either spoke again, the Sun seemed set to collide with the Pacific Ocean's horizon.
"Well, I wasn't expecting that." Anna said earnestly with a slight laugh behind it. "After you asked about Tahiti I was just going to ask why you came down here and then probably disappear. Maybe make a comment about you reliving memories of punching Luke in the face and delivering witty one-liners?"
"Contrary to popular belief, I don't exactly revel in violence…"
"I know, I think that is why I like the name Newport's Most Wanted. You don't seem like that at all Ryan. Though you seem drawn to drama like a moth to a flame".
"Ah, thanks. It isn't intentional. I swear". He said, slightly sullen.
"I was joking, Chino",
"Alright, Pittsburgh, save it for the judge", Ryan shot back.
Anna let out another breathy laugh and Ryan watched her for just a moment too long. She noticed and he quickly turned back to the ocean.
"They don't have this in Chino", he said, moments later. "Less than an hour from the sea but it might as well be another galaxy. I could look at it for hours, weird as it sounds".
"Ahh, well, snap. This isn't exactly what you get in Pittsburgh. And it isn't weird Ryan, I don't think I'll ever get bored of it either…" She paused. "Ahh, that is why you asked about Tahiti, right?"
"Right". He said, smiling. "Not like Seth's plan though, I'm pretty keen on returning".
"Yes, the catamaran is a bold choice…" she smirked as the realisation clicked. "Huh, so you do like it here? And there I thought with all the brooding and fighting and fires..." He looked up as she stopped talking.
It had been meant as a gentle tease but maybe it was too close to Newport's Most Wanted territory judging from Ryan's reaction. Anna watched as he shifted his head back to look skywards. This conversation was a roller-coaster, she thought.
"Fancy another borrowed speech? Just a small one. What you said reminded me of it, and I don't think Seth would get it. He is a little too…"
"Newpsie" Anna said,
"Yeah, exactly", he said, laughing that she knew the term.
"Shoot, Ryan".
"Sandy said something to me, that night, before the Cotillion. We were talking about Newport. About not fitting in, he told me everyone here has secrets. I asked him what his secret was, while we played Dynasty Warriors, of all things. He turned to me and said 'Sometimes, when the sun's coming up, and the surf is good, and I haven't pissed off my wife quite as much as I have today, I kinda like this place'".
Ryan turned when Anna didn't say anything, his eyes shone faintly when he saw her smiling.
"You've got a talent for remembering the words other people use".
"Easier than having to come up with my own", he said, a smirk to match his gleaming eyes followed.
"Mr Cohen seems incredible, and I understand what he meant. I see why it stayed with you".
"He really is, I owe him more than I can comprehend. He took an insane risk, the biggest anyone has ever taken for me. I don't want to ruin this and…"
Ryan paused, she sensed that this was just their natural rhythm of conversation, and she was fine with it.
"Take your time, it is important to get the right words". He nodded, those few words meant more to him than she knew.
"And things are okay with Marissa, now. For now. I don't know what I'm trying to say, I'm sorry". He turned away from her and sighed.
"No wait," she grabbed the arm of his leather jacket, "No Ryan. I get it. Or I think I do".
She cleared her throat, her nerves nearly winning out.
"I don't have any answers for you when it comes to dealing with Princess Mononoke, I'm biased and I don't want to...ruin? Derail? Endanger. Whatever friendship we have here. But keep those concerns in mind, you seem smart as hell. And with whatever happens next, stay mindful. And I'll do the same for Seth. We will navigate these...Newpsies? Together". He stayed silent, her hand rested on his leather jacket, like she was afraid he might fly away if she let go.
"I'm smart as hell and Seth is a Newpsie…" Ryan raised his eyebrows, speaking in a croaky, reflective voice. "I can live with that".
"I'm glad, because this is your second shot. Don't blow it". Anna let go of his jacket. He gave her an earnest smile
The conversation turned to a few smaller things, the end of school, how overwhelming Harbour could be, his work at the crab shack.
Both became keenly aware that time was marching on, but they were hesitant to leave. What if events overtook them? What if this was swept beneath the waves, the drama of their lives.
With a good amount of her courage, Anna stood up from the bench, Ryan reflexively did the same.
"Is it time?" he asked, she nodded.
"This was supposed to be a quick walk", she said.
"Well, I'm glad it wasn't". He gave that trademark apologetic smile.
"Me too",
She wanted to hug him, he wanted her to hug him. Neither of them moved.
"One more thing," Ryan said, to break the tension, "do I mention this to Seth...and Marissa?" Ryan asked, his eyes following her.
"No, I think those two are neurotic enough without this, don't you?" Ryan glanced away and smiled.
"So I'll see you around?"
"Oh yes, Seth has invited me over for Chrismukkah".
Chrismukkah. The word filled Ryan with dread.
As Ryan picked up his bike, he thought about what he had said. What had spilled out of him. He had surprised himself with what he had done. Remembering the words she had said. He felt lighter. To think, if he hadn't cycled down to the ocean. If he had walked instead, or not gone at all. He might've never said anything to Anna, they could've been swept up in events with Marissa and Seth. They still might be.
He was amazed he'd mustered the courage, he had considered it at the carnival. Oh shit, the carnival. He'd need to talk to her about that next time. Next time, yes, there will be a next time. He thought about her, her smile, her name, her and Seth. About how she had understood and desired to be understood. How she had let him speak. That all of this could've passed him by.
Anna couldn't quite believe what had just happened. She had just assumed that their Cotillion experience had been an accident, an unexpected result of Marissa's desire to make sure Ryan didn't meet anyone. Match him with the short blonde girl from some nowhere city on the East Coast.
Well, maybe that had backfired, Princess Mononoke. No, she chided herself. One step at a time. For now, you have a friend. And holy hell, in Newport you needed all the friends you could get. And what a friend Ryan Atwood seemed to be. Sweet, strong, thoughtful. She could even forgive all the bad boy brooding. She might even quite like it. From what Seth had told her of his past, he was allowed a bit of brooding
And that was without factoring in Marissa. Yes, it all came back to Marissa. In that conversation, it had always come back to Marissa.
As Anna looked out across the ocean, the sun was now sinking beneath the horizon. She picked up a stone from the beach and threw it into the vastness of the ocean. She walked back slowly towards her house, reflecting that not a lot had changed, one conversation, a pebble thrown into the roil that was their lives. But a stone could make ripples that would be felt in time. She wondered, smiled, and her mind went back to Chrismukkah, whatever that was.