Author's note:

hi, everyone! this is a fic that i originally posted to AO3 ( immen_sity is my username on there; you find can me at that handle on Twitter too) and thought i'd share on FF as well – i started writing it in December last year and will be finishing it this month (May 2021), so i'll be uploading chapters in pretty rapid succession over the next couple of weeks or so.

*if you've already read this on AO3, this is an exact copy of what's been published on there, so you're not missing anything!

this is a 22-chapter, slow burn, angsty Barson fic (with a happy ending, i promise) that spans 17x23 Manhattan Transfer to the middle of S18.

just a heads up that this fic is about cheating/infidelity, which i definitely don't personally condone, but was interested in exploring the complexities of. i hope you enjoy this!

"No, Ed is not capable of that." Rafael, accusing Ed Tucker of being a sex trafficker? She couldn't believe what he was hearing.

The worst thing was that he was dead serious about the accusations, and she knew it.

"Since when? I thought SVU hated this guy. He's gone after each and every one of you!"

He had a point. She'd known Ed for over a decade and most of their interactions, until very recently, had revolved around finding fault in one of her partners - or her. IAB and SVU didn't have the best relationship, and occasionally it made her question what on earth she saw in Ed, especially after all the negative encounters they'd had. She shuddered a little thinking about the time she was framed for murder, but instinctively put her guard up and defended the man she'd kissed goodbye that morning.

"That's his job! He has to be relentless. You're wrong about him. Trust me," she retorted, her tone insistent and firm. She couldn't possibly be wrong about Ed. Not after all she'd endured in her love life to finally end up in a relationship with someone reliable and stable.

She instantly regretted not catching herself when she saw his reaction.

"Wait." Rafael's expression turned cold. "Are you involved with him?" he demanded, green eyes burning with something Olivia couldn't read. It terrified her. Hurt? Anger? Suspicion?

"Don't ask me that." What else was she going to say - "I'm in a committed relationship with a man you're convinced is a serial child sex trafficker"? Lie that she didn't have a special relationship with Ed, after what she'd just told Rafael? She turned away from him and avoided his red-hot gaze, feeling like she had to physically remove herself from its path.

"When were you gonna tell me? I am informing you that a captain at IAB may be involved in a sex trafficking ring, and you don't mention that the two of you are sleeping together?!"

She stiffened hearing the fury in his tone. This was something he saved for uncooperative witnesses and difficult defense attorneys. Never her. Feeling a wave of defiance ripple through her, Olivia turned towards him, inhaled deeply, and stilled her shaking voice.

"You're wrong about him. Bring him in here, ask him yourself." There was no way Ed was involved with any of this. Not right after she'd finally let her guard down enough to let him into her life. But there was no convincing Rafael otherwise.

"You and I are done talking." His voice was steely and booming, but his eyes said otherwise. Was that... hurt? Jealousy, even?

She couldn't muster a response. Olivia picked up the jacket she'd draped on his chair and left without another word, feeling as though Rafael's gaze had physical weight. It crushed her.

She'd fucked up her closest friendship, big time.

Olivia waited by the path she knew Rafael took to his office every morning. From her vantage point she watched him approach his usual coffee stand, walking quickly and lost in thought. Probably thinking about how to nail my boyfriend for sex trafficking, she thought. He was wrong. She had to set him straight.

"Barba."

He didn't even pause to look at her. "We're not supposed to be talking." He was technically right, but she wasn't going to let her bestfriend - if that's what they still were - walk right past her without acknowledging what he'd done. He'd gotten her transferred! To Community Affairs! "Did you know that I was getting transferred?"

She couldn't even express how much she hated that job, as lovely as her new colleagues (hopefully not for long) were. Olivia stepped right in front of him, forcing him to stop dead in his tracks and look her in the eye."You told them about me and Tucker, and a few hours later I'm getting pep talks about what a great asset that I would be to women in Community Affairs," she spit out, hoping he'd feel a modicum of guilt, at the very least.

"Liv, you're seeing someone I'm investigating. 1PP had to know."

She really didn't want to bring Tucker's name up again, but her emotions got the better of her. "Tucker is not a sex trafficker."

"Then the investigation will clear him. Until it does, just stay out of it," he fired back, emphasising the last phrase.

Momentarily she felt terrible for cornering him like that. He was just looking out for her. He had a professional obligation to report her relationship to 1PP. However, it still stung when he flat-out refused to talk to her for just a minute, even when she begged him to help the poor girls who had been trafficked. She watched as he strode away, leaving her standing alone in the middle of the crowded sidewalk.

"Rafael, I need to talk to you."

"Call Carmen and make an appointment, then. Don't show up at my door at 2am." He glared at her and was about to shut the door on her, but she stuck her arm out and stopped him.

"Ed's been cleared and you got your job back, Liv. There's nothing we need to talk about."

"Let me in," she demanded. "I came all the way here from Forlini's." The feeling of not having her best friend's back during the investigation was hard enough. She wasn't going to drag out this feud they were having. With a deep sigh, he gave in and let her in. She threw her jacket off and sat on his couch, collecting herself before what she had to say next.

He poured himself a glass of scotch and stood over her. "Shouldn't you be celebrating with Tucker?" he asked dryly.

"Pour me a glass. We need to talk about... us," she declared. He sat down at the opposite end of the couch. I'm listening, he told her, wordlessly.

Scotch in hand, Olivia poured her soul out to Rafael. "Ed and I had a fight at the bar. I didn't know where else to go. It's been hard for us, this case..." That was a no-brainer, especially when the person she shared a bed with had been accused of sex trafficking. "I snapped and admitted to him that this case made me question my relationship with him. He sensed I couldn't relax, and wanted to know why I wasn't jumping for joy. Long story short, we got into a huge fight and I left. And now I'm here."

"And you're telling me all this because you want advice from Dr Phil?" He sipped his scotch slowly, green eyes meeting hers over the rim of his glass. "I'm not the person for you."

"Something still doesn't feel right and it's making me angry and stressed. And that something, I realised when I left the bar, is you. We're friends, right, Rafael? And we finally can clear the air between us now that all this is over."

"If you're here to chew me out for reporting you to 1PP, spare it. I had to do it, Liv. I couldn't look like I was protecting you or Tucker. 1PP and the DA's office know that we're close. And getting you transferred was the best way to keep you and your name out of this investigation until I could clear the both of you." He noticed her dissatisfaction with his response, and added, "I don't have a grudge against Tucker, Liv, despite what you think you sensed that afternoon in my office."

"That's what I want to talk about. Not the investigation. That afternoon, in your office."

"You weren't upfront with me, Liv! You should have told me about your relationship with Tucker the instant his name came up. You always press me to be forthcoming and honest with you, and I can't do the same? I practically had to force the answer out of you. You weren't going to tell me otherwise, right?"

She downed the glass in one gulp and promptly poured herself another, to which Rafael didn't protest. "You made your anger abundantly clear to me, Rafael."

"Then cut to the chase and stop skirting whatever issue you've come here to shout at me about." He rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat with an exasperated sigh.

"Why did you react so strongly when you found out that I'm involved with Tucker?" she demanded, re-using his words from that day.

"Because you could have fucked up this investigation, Liv! Do you not get that? You could have screwed me - and yourself - over big time. Surely you're not holding things against me for, I don't know, protecting your reputation and career with the NYPD?" His sarcasm dripped all over her.

"Oh, you know that's not what I'm talking about, Rafael." When he didn't react, she slammed her glass on the table, startling him. "You acted like I drove a knife straight through your heart when you found out. Don't think I didn't see the look in your eyes. You want to tell me what all that's about?"

"It doesn't matter, Liv. You and Tucker can be out in the open together now. Why do you care what I think about the two of you? Tucker was right. For someone who's just had her ass saved, you are very unhappy."

"Answer the question, Rafael."

"Oh, I'm on the witness stand now?" he snarled. He set his glass next to hers and crossed his arms.

"I know you were hiding something. And I'm not backing down until you explain it to me." The scotch had gone directly to her head, giving her the liquid courage she needed to stare him down.

"Fine," he snapped. She watched him stand up and pace the room, arms still folded. "But don't come crying to me if the truth hurts."

"Go ahead. I've been dragged through the mud enough the last few weeks."

"I hate seeing you and Tucker together," he spat out. "Fuck, I hate that guy. I hate seeing him destroy you and your squad."

"What?"

"I thought we had something, Liv." He stood by the window and gazed out at Central Park, his voice suddenly softer and aching. "So yes, I was hurt that when I found out you were... are involved with Tucker. You can do better than him."

This was not how Rafael wanted to declare his feelings for Olivia Benson. But she'd chosen Tucker over him, and there was no use in fighting that. Especially after he'd been cleared of any involvement in that heinous sex trafficking ring.

"You think you're better than Ed? That's rich coming from someone who spent his first few weeks at SVU treating me like I was an idiot."

"Tucker has spent years going after you and your squad, Liv! Don't think I haven't heard about the time he had you arrested on that murder charge and your friends had to pool money to get Langan to defend you. He practically destroyed Amaro's career, not to mention he almost wrecked yours. And you're comparing asshole me to him? I thought you, of all people, would know that I've changed for the better since I started working with you." He kept his eyes trained on the Manhattan skyline, but Olivia saw the hurt - and were those tears? - welling up in them.

However, she wasn't going to let herself be swayed by that. "Don't, Rafael. Don't make me feel guilty for choosing to be with Ed. You should be happy for me."

"See, Liv, this is why I didn't want to tell you about this. It's better for everyone... you... if I just shut up and left you two alone. And I'm not going to get dragged into... whatever it is you and Ed have going on."

Olivia stared into her now-empty scotch glass. "He's my boyfriend, Rafael. And this is why I didn't tell you that he and I were together. Because I feared how you would react."

"You're admitting it, then?"

"Admitting to what?"

"You know that I have feelings for you."

"You weren't very subtle about them, Rafael. And no offense, but "Rafael has feelings for me" isn't a reason to put my love life on pause."

"This isn't high school. Life goes on even if my feelings are unrequited and I can deal with them like an adult. But don't act like you're above it all and haven't flirted with me in the past. The day you sat in my office and cried over the Hank Abraham case in my arms, for example. You already were seeing Tucker then, weren't you?"

He was right. But she couldn't admit to that - not now. So she settled for a barb, her face flushed and voice venomous.

"You're acting like a jealous asshole right now. Oh, right. You are."

"You're the one in a relationship with Tucker, not me. Go and deal with him. Don't sit there and take out your relationship problems on me."

Olivia stood up and marched over to the window where he was standing, standing so close to him that she could see his chest huffing. Without her shoes on, she stood eye-to-eye with him.

"Say it to my face, then. Say that you never had any feelings for me and we'll put this to rest," he taunted, his face nearly touching hers. "Say it."

Olivia stared into his eyes, which were once again filled with an inscrutable mix of fury and vulnerability, and now daring her to let him down once and for all. She felt utterly helpless as they bore into her soul, and resisted the urge to turn away like she'd done in his office.

I've never had feelings for you, she wanted to say. I don't have feelings for you. It was so easy to say - why couldn't she just say it?

But she couldn't, because both of those statements were outright lies. And Rafael Barba could see through practically any lie she constructed.

Now she'd never be able to look at Ed without thinking about Rafael's admission, or questioning her feelings for both Ed and him. She'd been attracted to him since the Jocelyn Paley case, when he wrapped that belt around his neck and taunted Adam Cain into pulling it until he lost all control and revealed his true colours on the stand. Now he was doing the same to her; tugging at her emotions until she was on the precipice of bursting. This is what he did in court. Not to her.

I will not fold.

But she did.

"I can't do that, Rafael." She felt foolishly near tears, and kept her eyes glued to the Chrysler Building in the distance. "Please don't make me do that," she whispered.

"Why? Cat's got your tongue?" His tone, still haughty and demanding, rang in her ears.

Her voice shook. "I'd be lying if I said that to you, and you know it."

"So, what are we going to do about it? You leave and we pretend this conversation never happened, and I pretend to be happy for you whenever I see you with Ed? This conversation never should have happened."

They were inches apart but trapped, feeling like they'd reached an impasse. Someone had to back down. Walk away. Their relationship would never be the same again. There was no deeper shit they could possibly be in.

She inhaled his combination of scotch and woodsy cologne. He eyed her with a potent mix of anger and lust. She felt naked, exposed, turned on.

Do I want him?

Desire erupted in her belly. And he was radiating it too.

If I weren't with Ed, what would I be doing right now?

The next thing she did came over her like a spell, but it didn't detract from the blinding clarity in her mind.

She lunged at him, grabbed his suspenders, pulled him close, and plunged her tongue into his mouth.

She wasn't surprised when he kissed back or felt his hand creep down her back.

Sunlight streamed through the partially open window, bathing the bedroom in a warm glow. On a chilly morning, the warmth was divine. Olivia rubbed her eyes and sank into the bed beneath her, ignoring the mild headache that she felt coming on.

Wait. This didn't feel like her quilt. The pillows didn't smell like hers. It wasn't her side of the bed. She didn't recognise the ceiling. Her clothes weren't on.

Fuck. This bed wasn't hers.

Her eyes shot open and she turned to her left, pulse accelerating.

Next to her lay the sleeping, half-naked figure of Rafael Barba.

Rafael sensed some unfamiliar movement in his bed and fumbled around for the body that lay next to his, eyes still closed. He gasped when his hand brushed against what felt like a woman's hand, and immediately sat up, with Olivia following suit.

Green eyes found brown and a wave of horror washed over them both. The gravity of what they'd done the night before hit them like a freight truck. No, this wasn't a drunken one-night stand.

An uneasy silence fell over them as Olivia ran through her morning routine in her head - the only thing that could still her when she was in such deep shit. Noah - Lucy had agreed to take him to her mother's place in Jersey for the weekend, knowing how much Mrs Huston loved Noah. Work - she needed to get home, as soon as possible, for a shower and change of clothes, because God forbid she reported to work in the same clothes as the day before. Breakfast - she'd grab a protein bar from the kitchen drawer, once she got back home to…

Ed.

Oh God, Ed.

She jumped out of the bed, startling Rafael. He watched her rummage through her clothes on his bedroom floor for her phone. "Five missed calls from Ed. He's probably wondering where the hell I was last night. Fuck." She was on the verge of tears, but couldn't get her head straight enough to decide what the hell she was going to do.

"Liv, you need to calm down." She looked up and found Rafael standing next to her, putting his T-shirt on. He had to be just as frazzled as she was, but if he was, he wasn't showing it.

"Don't tell me to calm down! I have a boyfriend and he's going to flip when he finds out I was here with you and did... oh my God." The reality of what she'd just done began to sink in, and she felt a wave of nausea rise up her throat. Without another word, she sprinted into his bathroom, phone and clothes in hand, and locked the door behind her.

Olivia splashed ice-cold water on her face and stared at herself in the mirror. No hickeys or love marks, thank God. She noticed the full bottle of Terre D'Hermes on the counter and figured that she probably reeked of it, but she had a bottle of perfume in the glove compartment of her car and could easily mask his scent with hers even if she didn't have time for a shower.

Her phone buzzed in her hand as she ran her fingers through her unkempt, oily hair. Shit. She not only had the five missed calls from Ed, but he'd also left multiple voice messages. With trembling fingers, she played them back one-by-one. The first three were from last night.

Liv, I'm sorry for what happened at the bar. Did you make it home safe? You probably don't want to talk to me right now, but text me when you get back, okay?

Liv, are you alright? Can I come over? I want to apologise. In person, of course.

Okay, Liv. I get it - I was wrong, and I won't bother you again tonight. I've headed back to my place. I'll see you after you get off work tomorrow. Love you.

A tear formed in her eye. Ed was being such a sweetheart, and she'd gone and slept with someone else... Thank goodness he hadn't gone over to her place after the fight at the bar or this morning. He'd have known right away that she wasn't back all night. If she wanted to bury this, she could hide it from him indefinitely, provided Rafael was in on it too. The guilt ate away at her as she played the remaining message.

Hi Liv. Hope you slept well. I just wanted to say sorry again for last night. It was hard for both of us and I shouldn't have interrogated you like that. IAB habits, you know? It's not an excuse, but I'm trying, Liv, and I'll make it up to you, I promise. I love you so much. Take care today and I'll see you tonight, hopefully.

She was fucked.

Three minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom, dressed in her work clothes from the day before and looking somewhat more polished than before although she felt like absolute trash. Rafael was choosing a fresh suit from his closet, but he put the hangers down and turned to look at her when he heard her footsteps.

"Liv." He took a step towards her and looked her in the eye. She didn't know how he was so calm. Right - he didn't have a committed partner who'd probably find out eventually. "I don't know how the hell we ended up in this position."

"We're going to have to talk about this, Rafael. But not now. We have to get to work on time . And not a word to Ed or anyone who knows either of us until we can talk this through, as long as you can keep your mouth shut this time."

He nodded, understanding the gravity of the situation. The NYPD and DA's office were breeding grounds for office gossip, and Rafael's disclosure of Olivia and Ed's relationship had already spread like wildfire, especially after her transfer to Community Affairs. He wasn't about to get in the middle of an already messy situation and drag his own name through the mud. What would people think of him, an ADA sleeping with the high-profile girlfriend of an equally high-profile IAB captain? He had to keep this quiet.

Neither wanted to know what the backlash would look like.

Without another word, she retrieved her jacket from the living room couch and stormed out his front door, like she'd never been there. It was his cue to shower and get dressed for a day in court, like absolutely nothing had happened.

He stood in front of his mirror and straightened his tie and suspenders, while she sped through the Manhattan streets, hands clutching the wheel and berating herself for cheating on her boyfriend.

It wasn't a drunken night of debauchery that they could write off as a moment of bad judgment. She kissed Rafael Barba first. She practically led him into the bedroom and dared him to fuck her brains out. She knew exactly what she was doing the entire time and didn't do a thing to stop it.

Worst of all, they'd both enjoyed it.

Both had a sinking feeling that things were only going to get more complicated from here.