AN: The first 5 chapters are dog shit. Those after that are only marginally better, read at your own peril.

Have you ever thought about what comes after your death? Many in history asked this question at least once in their lives. Some say that you leave into a supposed clouded paradise where you could forever be in indentured servitude to a megalomaniac dictator who calls himself God. If you offend this supreme being with your supposed free will, you are sent to a blazing inferno for an eternity. Others might say that nothing will happen and your corpse is just left to rot, eventually to be forgotten forever. Personally, I subscribed to the latter option.

Unfortunately, it seems that neither were the case, as I was thrown back into the mortal coil as fast as I had left it. It seems that after the traumatic experience of birth, the life of an infant is extremely boring, so I created you, the reader, a figment of my imagination as a coping mechanism. I did this mainly so I could retain my relatively fragile sanity.

To understand how I got here, I would have to provide at least a small amount of context. So here I was, a middle-class American white boy with both parents present in his life. I had it good in comparison to many other, less fortunate, people. My life was supposedly set in stone, go to school, get a job, get married, pump out a few crotch goblins, repeat. But I saw through all the bullshit after my parents died and I couldn't take it. How could I bring another soul into this decadent yet dying world, with the most selfish evil species imaginable, humanity? How dare did this supposed "God" uplift a bunch of apes to experience the world just so that they could suffer.

Look around at the people around you? Do you see hope? Do you see something to believe in? What I see is a tiny little infant, my new twin brother, that only does three things: eat, shit, cry. I reckon that many of those around you haven't even matured past that. That bitch Karen at the local coffee shop, bitching and crying since they can't eat due to their ignorance in about everything, and they shit out their conspiracies about things they can't comprehend like 5G and wearing a fucking mask.

After seeing so much bullshit by everything and everyone, I did the greatest act of free will that a person could do: I opted out.

It's as easy as taking an entire pill bottle of opioids that Big Pharma peddles for as little as a papercut.

So here I am, living a second chance that I neither signed up for nor wanted.

What the fuck do I do now?

~Age: 5 months, in a crib~

Eat.

Breath.

Shit.

Sleep.

This is the life of an infant. The more that this maddening routine continues, the more I hate the supposed gift of life.

The only thing that is causing me to retain my sanity is the continued development of my senses and motor functions. I'm really scraping at the bottom of the barrel here but at the very least I can properly experience Room 101 in 4K.

It was merely a month ago that I noticed many things were odd, despite my blurry vision, the world seemingly had hard color borders and it looked like 2d projected into 3d. As my vision developed further, I saw that there was something wrong with the proportions of my biological progenitors, the eyes being too big, the nose and mouth being too small. I thought I was reincarnated as one of those Roswell aliens.

Soon, it became clear, and hoo-boy was I pissed! That rat bastard of an omnipotent being stuck me into the most beloved medium of entertainment of the modern troglodyte, anime. I don't know which one but I might figure it out eventually as I unwillingly grow up.

And to compound onto that, I was stuck learning possibly the most needlessly complex and annoying languages to learn in the world, Japanese.

Finally, as my hearing evolved from what's loud and not-loud, I learned the serial number that was branded onto this biological unit pumped out: Hyoudou Iyahiro (or in moon-speak – 兵藤弥滉).

~Age: 20 months, the local park in Kuoh~

Time passed and things went quite uneventful, I copied from my brothers development so I didn't look like a freak of nature. If there was anything I was good at in both of my lives, it was pretending I was a well adjusted drone like the rest.

The reason I started talking to you again is that today is the day I finally meet people outside of my family. Specifically, the Shidou family: the father being a pastor, the mother being a secretary, and a little toddler girl named Irina thankfully distracted by Issei, leaving me some peace and no-quiet (children are LOUD).

"Was' your name?" asked my brother.

"Iwina!" responded the girl in a voice just loud enough to pierce the ears.

"Iseh!"

"Wan' pway?"

"yeh!"

Truly a fascinating and thought provoking conversation. Aristotle would be proud. Now to waddle away on my stumpy little legs before they drag me into their "game".

~Age: 6 years, the local park in Kuoh~

Turns out the Shidous would become a repeat visitor, as Issei and Irina bonded over their mundane activities. One of the few enjoyments I have found is the harmless idiocy of my younger brother of 15 minutes, one such example being the fact that he insists that Irina is a boy despite all the evidence to the contrary. Once he latches onto an idea, it would take a B83 nuclear weapon to get it through his thick skull.

I mention this because one day, we were in the park and while Irina was taking a nap, Issei decided to wander off.

"Issei!" I called out. No sign of him.

I was starting to get worried because despite being the misanthropic asshole that I am, I still have feeling and I love my brother very much, although I don't show it much.

I called again, no dice.

Eventually, I come upon a park bench, where Issei was sitting, talking to… Is that fucking Dumbledore. Look at that long ass grey beard, truly this is the Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards.

Now as I approached, I listened carefully to what the sage advice that Issei is so enraptured by…

It's tits.

It's all tits and nothing but tits.

…

Okay, who the fuck says this shit to a 6 year old?

As I was about to put an end to the corruption of my brother, I heard a loud shout,

"Odin!" a feminine voice came from the distance.

Dumbledore quickly hauled ass faster than Usian Bolt on cartel super-meth, followed by a blur going at impossible speeds.

Now to survey the damage.

My brother sees me and run over, gibbering about the wonders of Oppai. I know that look on his face, that is a look of zeal that would make a Franciscan monk look like an Agnostic.

Dear Xenu, old man, what have you unleashed upon this forsaken world?

~Age: 16 years, outside Kuoh Academy~

The time has finally arrived, it is time to face The Beast, high school. Particularly this weird former all-girls school the size of my former college campus, in a town that is at most 80,000 people. Issei, along with tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum, thought that the disproportionately large female population would increase their chances of getting laid (not happening), and he thought to drag me along, come hell or high-water.

Too bad, I hate people in this life even more than my last life because they are, somehow, even more shallow; and some pussy ain't gonna change that for me.

Time to face the music, conveniently played on Kazoo.

AN: This trash heap is my first attempt at creative writing, wasted on a tits-filled universe that I barely put any research into (wiki-diving mostly). If I ever get any motivation, you might be able to see the next chapter of Coldsteel the Hedgeheg's edgy adventure through anime-land.