Climbing up to the roof deck at oh dark thirty was not exactly how Jack had been planning on spending his night. The sound of Daniel's car had pulled him awake fifteen minutes ago...and just when had he become so attuned to the sound of Daniel's car - or Carter's for that matter - that he was able to identify it when he heard it? He'd waited a few minutes but instead of hearing his doorbell ring or even knocking, he'd heard movement up on the roof deck instead. He'd sighed and climbed out of bed.
This was the second night in a row that Daniel was up on the roof. Last night, Jack had let him get away with not giving a reason why. He wasn't going to be so lucky tonight. It had to be something major that was pushing Daniel to drive over and sit on the roof in the dead of night and he was determined to figure out what it was...and fix it if he could. He just hoped that whatever it was, it wasn't some kind of monstrosity of a problem. Major he could do. He wasn't so sure about something monstrous.
Once he reached the roof, he didn't say anything, just walked over to where Daniel sat, his back against the railing as he looked forlornly up at the night sky. Jack held the white ceramic mug he'd brought with him in front of his friend's face.
"Thanks," Daniel said softly as he took the mug and held it as he first took an appreciative sniff of the coffee inside of it and then took a sip. "I wake you?"
"Nope," Jack said as he lowered himself to sit by his friend. "Just thought I heard some giant, mutant squirrels up here and wanted to check it out." When his answer didn't get any more than a quick sideways glance from his friend, he nudged him with his shoulder. "Ok. Spill it. What's so exciting about my roof at oh dark thirty that you're here two nights in a row and don't tell me it's the Perseids."
"The what?" Daniel asked looking quizzically.
"The Perseids," Jack said again but this time waved to the night sky where frequent shooting stars could be seen. "It's the name of the meteor shower."
"Oh. No. Not the Perseids."
Jack waited a moment to see if Daniel would say anything else but, instead, he remained silent as he sipped the cup of coffee. "Ok, so it's not the Persieds. You wanna share with the rest of the class what it is? You're not going to start doing some mysterious moon chant or something are you?" he joked hoping to get some kind of reaction.
"Two years," Daniel said softly.
"Two years what?"
"If I were still on Abydos and Shar're was still with me, I would have been married two years tomorrow…or today I guess." He finished off the coffee and put the mug carefully down beside him.
"Ah," Jack said now understanding what was driving his friend.
"Yeah," Daniel said with a shrug. "I don't know why I keep coming here and waking you up. It's not like you can do anything about it."
"Hey, I can listen," Jack said gently. He turned so that he was facing Daniel and grasped his shoulder. "We are going to find her, you know. I don't want you to give up hope."
"It's hard not to. In ten days, Kasuf should unbury the StarGate on Abydos. I thought when that day came we'd have found Shar're and got that thing out of her and I could take her home." He stared into the empty coffee cup as if it held the answers he was looking for. "What am I supposed to tell him?" he mumbled.
"You tell him the truth. That you have done everything you possibly can to find Shar're and bring her home and that you're not going to give up. That's what you tell him…and you keep telling yourself that."
"I try to, Jack, but…" Daniel trailed off with a small shake of his head. He got up from where he was sitting, crossed to the other side of the roof deck, and leaned on the railing there. He looked up at the star-filled sky as he spoke. "I thought by now we'd be starting a family – not that I'd be searching the galaxy for my wife and hoping I could get the parasite that's taken her over out of her."
Jack was at a loss. He'd hoped whatever was bringing Daniel to his roof at night was something he could fix but he knew this was something he couldn't. All he could do was reiterate that they'd keep looking for Shar're…and Skaara…and that they'd get them back. But the more he thought about it, the more he said it, Jack knew deep down how hollow the litany was beginning to sound There'd been no sign of Shar're for more than a year. And Jack really didn't want to dwell on the encounter with Skaara if he could help it.
"We almost did, you know," Daniel said pulling Jack from his morose thoughts.
"Did what?"
"Have a family." Daniel turned around so his back was against the railing and he was facing his friend. "A couple of months after you left, Sha're…she told me she was pregnant." He glanced down, shaking his head slightly with a sad smile on his face. "Scared the crap out of me. I don't think I slept that entire night or that week. I just kept wondering how I could be a father. What did I know about being a father? Dad died when I was eight and after that, it was just a series of foster fathers. Some of them weren't exactly father of the year material. So, what did I know about being a good father?"
"More than you think you know," Jack answered but didn't elaborate.
Daniel looked at Jack quizzically; trying to puzzle out his answer then continued talking. "I think Shar're was as scared as I was but, after a while, I think we sort of forgot about that - being afraid. I'd think about all the things I could teach him or her; the things we could do."
"Where to hide the bodies of the boys who'd come around if it was a girl," Jack added with a smile as he remembered the days when Sara was pregnant and he'd think about the same things.
"Yeah That too," Daniel said with an answering smile.
"So, what happened," Jack prompted even though he had a feeling he knew this was yet another happy ending Daniel had had taken from him.
Daniel turned around to face out to the night sky again. "She lost the baby. You could just start to see she was pregnant then…" he shrugged trailing off. "I don't know why." He pulled in a deep breath, trying to compose himself and looked briefly up at the sky again. "I'd just stopped being so scared every time I thought about it, you know. I was looking forward to being a father to this little person who was a part of me and Shar're and then…it was just gone. I didn't know you could hurt so much for someone who's never born."
Jack put his hand on Daniel's shoulder, patted it once then let his hand stay. "That was your child, and you didn't love it any less, than you would have if you'd held a baby."
"We were ready to try again to have a family. I don't think I would have been so scared this time…but…I lost her." He spun around to face Jack, anger burning in his eyes. "I should be holding my son or my daughter and worrying about how to give him or her the best life I possibly can. I shouldn't be going back to tell Shar're's father that I failed and she's still lost with that thing inside of her." The anger melted away as quickly as it had appeared only to be replaced by sorrow. "It's not fair, Jack. It's not fair," he cried in a strangled voice. "I love her so much."
Damn right, it's not fair, Jack thought. He wasn't sure what unlucky star Daniel had been born under but Karma had done more than just bite him on the butt. She kept making a meal out of him and coming back for more. "I know it's not, Daniel. You deserve to be happy and with the people you love." He reached to brush away the single tear that was on Daniel's cheek. "We'll find her, Danny, and you'll have that family you want; but you have to remember you do have one here, one that cares about you." Jack pulled him into a quick hug, patted his back lightly. "You're gonna get through this. I can promise you that."
"Thank you," Daniel whispered accepting the strength of Jack's tight embrace.
Jack stepped back from the tight cinch but continued to rest his hands on Daniel's shoulders. "We've got a mission tomorrow and we both need to get some sleep, ok?"
"Uh, yeah," Daniel agreed and rubbed his hands across his face. "I'll get going. Sorry I woke you up."
"Enough with the 'sorries' already and I'm not letting you drive home at this hour. You can crash in the spare room." He turned Daniel toward the ladder and gave the younger man a gentle push to get him going. "And I don't want to hear any arguments, Mister. It's too damned late for that."
"Yes, Sir," Daniel agreed with a mocking salute before placing his right foot on the top rung... "Thanks, Jack. You're a good friend."
"Yeah, yeah," Jack agreed. "I'm a regular ol' marshmallow." He tried to hold back a yawn. "A marshmallow that needs to sleep," he said through it.
A few hours later, Jack stole down the hallway to the spare room. The door was slightly ajar and the forgotten window shade allowed enough moonlight in to dimly illuminate Daniel where he lay curled into himself on the bed.
Jack crept up to the side of the bed, straightened the covers over his sleeping friend and tucked them in. One hand pillowed Daniel's cheek, the other curled into a loose fist under his chin. It reminded Jack so much of the nights he used to sneak in to watch Charlie sleep.
As he moved over to the window and raised an arm to pull the shade down, Jack glimpsed a meteor streak past. He remembered how he'd made wishes on shooting stars as a child and on impulse rather than conscious thought found himself making a wish on this shooting star. A wish that Daniel could know happiness and could hold onto it so he'd never have to face another "could have been".