A/N: All you need to know about my terrible, stupid, super-Mary Sue-ish OC. It is terribly unfunny, be warned. Feel free to flame. If I got anything inaccurate about the 70s, the Mets, New York City, Mississippi (I'm from the North), or Black culture, please correct me. I have little to no experience with any of the 5 topics. My story is technically a Spider Man/Harry Potter Crossover.
Name: Soraya Imani Khan
Birthday: April 2, 1960 (Technically April 2, 1979, but that was my old life)
Birthplace: Queens General Hospital, Jamaica, New York (Technically Methodist Hospital of Middle Mississippi, Lexington, MS, but that was my old life)
Sex: Female
Parents: Yusuf Ziauddin Khan and Daisy Marie Evans (Technically Yusuf Ziauddin Khan and Lily Julia Evans, but that was my old life. Daryl Strawberry's baseball bat, how many times am I going to have to repeat myself?)
Current Residence: 59th St & South Road, at New York City Housing Authority's South Jamaica II complex (euphemism for 40 Projects) in South Jamaica Queens. Otherwise, Hogwarts.
School: Hogwarts, Jamaica High School (Dual Enrollment, time turners, long story). Also, I wanted to go to Ilvermorny, but they didn't accept me because I was "colored." Apparently, having a half Black half Desi father makes me lesser in the eyes of Ilvermorny admissions officers. Lawd, they are reminding me of Bob Jones more and more every day.
Year: 6th year as I'm writing this
Hair color: Red
Eye color: Green (forest Green)
Race: White (technically 1/4th Black, 1/4th Asian (Afghan and Indian), and 1/2th white, but I look white)
House: Slytherin
Blood Status: Muggleborn
Sex: Female
Religion (OPTIONAL): Pentecostal, I guess? COGIC.
Current Date: October 18th, 1976
I can speak to snakes, because my animagus form is a green anaconda.
Green anaconda animagus by 4th year, partying with Moony. No man deserves to be an island. Play soul and R&B in the shrieking shack to help Moony with his transformations, "Ain't no mountain high enough" by Tammi Terrell and Marvin Gaye. Use a jukebox, boomboxes haven't been invented yet. Also, research a cure to lycanthropy by studying the chemical structure of Remus's blood and DNA, along with that of potions ingredients (Wolfsbane, being deadly to werewolves, seems like a promising place to start).
Prank war, Slytherin (Sev and I only) vs Marauders:
Prank 1: Use Sectumsempra to shave Potter completely bald like a monk. Don't cut his head, you can do this, your brother Jamaal is the best barber in all of Southside Jamaica, Queens.
Prank 2: Disguise yourself as Lily Evans (you're her cousin, after all), slip Potter a forged love letter, and give him a brownie laced with ghost peppers and (if you can get it, Magic Mushrooms). His melanin deficient ass can't stand the spice.
Prank 3: Disguise yourself as Lily Evans, use Spidey Powers to turn invisible, sneak into the Gryffindor Common Room and Boys' Dorms, turn into your Anaconda animagi form, and play "Fortunate Son" on max. Seeing a giant anaconda next to him will scare Potter and Black and the rest of the gang. Hopefully Gryffindor will get in trouble, sneak out of Gryffindor tower invisible in the midst of all of the turmoil. PS, Use the jukebox, and sonorous to amplify the sound. (Was going to play Back That Azz Up, but that hasn't been invented yet)
Prank 4: Polyjuice yourself as Wilma Nott (not the hottest girl out there), use latex mask and wig to disguise as Lily, walk up to Sirius, flirt, take off the mask and wig, SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF HIM! A nice BOOYAH will do.
Prank 5: Really running out of ideas, even though my pranks were lame in the first place.
Disguise yourself as Lily Evans.
Shrink the vanishing cabinet (need Borgin to repair it), sneak it into the Gryffindor common room (only expand it after everyone has fallen asleep).
Rent the one from Knockturn alley and bring it to the housing projects.
Convince Grandma to go to Hogwarts.
Lead Grandma to the Marauders dorm.
Tell Grandma that James Potter and Sirius Black are demonically possessed. Because seriously (no pun intended) are you really goin' trust two honkies with crazier hair than any Brothas? They are clearly the evil work of Yakub (although Grandma, being saved, just calls him the Debbil), straight outta the assembly line at Patmos.
Watch Grandma give Potter and Black an exorcism.
Prank 6: Hex Potter and Black, so that every time the word "Hallelujah" is said, they start doing the Holy Ghost two step. Honestly, doing praise breaks every once in a while would deflate their arrogant, buffoonish heads.
James Potter = Joe DiMaggio. Arrogant, rich, yt, spoiled, aristocratic (although DiMaggio was blue collar Joe), elitist, lunkheaded, cocksucker in them fuckin' pinstripes (like the evil empire Yankees). Thinks the world belongs to him, all the ladies must love him, because he's that brave, handsome, noble, rich, popular Gryffindor jock.
Sirius Black = Mickey Mantle (A-Rod, although saying that would make me look insane). Another cocksuckin' bastard in pinstripes. Same trash as DiMaggio Hate that shitface more than I hate that arrogant alpha male John Wayne). Scum of the lowest degree. Sometimes, I just wanna wipe that shit eatin' grin off his face. Perhaps a punch will suffice?
When you use muggle pen and paper for taking notes but quill and parchment for exams and assignments 😊
Me: The most honest, selfless, humble, compassionate, fair, nice, brave (kinda), and open-minded Slytherin you'll ever stumble across (although I am really sneaky, snake-loving, resourceful, and ambitious. C'mon, I want to major in Astrophysics).
Sev (Doctor), always to the right thing
Transfiguring Hogwarts food into Church's Chicken biscuits, Fried Chicken, and COLLARD GREENS
Sits on the bench, refuses to sing when they play the Hogwarts School Song. I ain't going to sing nothin' till you get some Brothas in this motherfuckin' school!
Kool Aid, Pepsi, Sweet Tea mocktail
Friendly neighborhood Spider Girl. Even the web shooters are made from muggle mechanics. Wealth and fame, she's ignored. Fighting a war on two fronts. Against those arrogant, reckless Gryffindor jocks, and corrupt administration run by a headmaster who obviously favors Gryffindors, as well as my own house of racist, equally arrogant Slytherins (seriously, hate is stupid. I don't care what ol' Sal (I mean Salazar Slytherin, not Salvatore from Do the Right Thing) says. He better get some Brothas on that motherfuckin' wall, or I'm closing that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] for good). Well, no one said doing the right thing was easy. Sometimes, you have to stand firm in righteousness like a lone warrior or bushwhacker. You just have to be that scrappy fella, hangin' in there no matter what, never givin' up. Fight the powers that be. Fight the Potters that be.
Fuhgeddaboudit, Klingon! (my nickname for Black)
All of the nastiness, richness, and authenticity of a New York pastrami sandwich.
Chemical qualities of potions. ChemE or BME basically. Stir clockwise to make the potion chill. Crushing the Sophorous bean is a hell lot better than chopping it (Potions)
Equations of spells, how to do the wandwork (based on wandlength, and the power and intent of the spell) (Arithmancy)
Etymology of spells (Ancient Runes)
Easy O (Muggle Studies)
Turning stuff into biscuits, conjuring church harts (Transfiguration)
The one where you have all of the teachers that never last longer than a single year (DADA)
Accio White Castle Sliders! Professor Flitwick: WHY IN THE NAME OF MERLIN ARE YOU VIOLATING THE INTERNATIONAL STATUTE OF SECRECY! 100 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN AND DETENTION! (Charms)
I love fluffy critters (Care for Magical Creatures)
Me: Hi Professor Sprout, May I borrow some Mandrake leaves, if you'll be so kind? Thanks. Professor Sprout: Oh Merlin she's definitely up to something! (Herbology)
Stephen Hawking, eat your heart out! [Neil DeGrasse Tyson hasn't become famous yet] (Astronomy)
Me: And that's why it's not okay to discriminate against Goblins, Professor Binns. (Inserts Malcolm X quote from Do The Right Thing)… "I don't even call it violence when it's in self defense. I call it intelligence" (Brother Malcolm). Professor Binns: 20 points from Slytherin for wasting my time! Well, at least I now know why you're not a Hufflepuff (History of Magic)
Screw Quidditch, go Amazins! (Shows Selene Greengrass my Cleon Jones baseball card)
Halloween costume: Tom Seaver (It would be racist if I dressed up as my fave, Cleon Jones)
Sev: Pino. Heart is in the right place, can't let the hate turn him into a bigot/Klan sympathizer. Look, I know Sev came from a blue collar background like me, I know he hates muggles because of that, I know that his shred of wizarding blood (The Half Blood Prince) gives him a psychological wage (or whatever DuBois said) the way the white privilege gives the po' buckra a leg up, but I really like him. He's a shy, dorky guy, a tinkerer. Not an arrogant, self righteous meathead like Potter. I'm going to do everything I can to prevent Sev from becoming another Pino.
Me: Hey Sev, who's your closest friend?
Sev: Lily.
Me: Who's your second closest friend?
Sev: Um you? (blushes)
Me: Sev, all you ever talk about is 'mudblood this and mudblood that,' and all your favorite people are so-called mudbloods.
Muggle Studies project: Book report on the Autobiography of Malcolm X (the rock landed on us). Potter picked Pride and Prejudice (he thinks he's Darcy), Black picked Fanny Hill (was reassigned David Copperfield), Lupin (of course) picked Great Expectations, and Lily picked Jane Eyre. If Sev took Muggle Studies, he'd pick Wuthering Heights.
Future kid names:
Girls
Mayday Eileen Snape
Anna Soraya Snape
Boys
Benjamin (Peter would only remind Sev of Wormtail) Severus Snape
Richard (After Richard Parker) Demetrius (yeah, the same middle name as Jamaal) Snape
Siblings:
Jamaal Demetrius (older half brother) is a barber/mechanic/handyman, DeVante Reginald (twin brother) will be part of the Morehouse class of 1981 (Hell yeah he skipped a frickin' grade). My lil' (technically twin) Brotha, a MOREHOUSE MAN! Hallelujah!
Philosophy:
Sev (Doctor), always do the right thing. 'Nuff Said
The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody (Technically that saying doesn't exist yet but I don't care. It's not like I'm gonna walk up to the Muggle Studies professor and start talking about 2Pac). Don't bully nobody or they going to bite you in the ass. Stop tormenting Sev for the very fact that he exists.
All Power to the People! Not just muggle born wizards, but trolls, goblins, centaurs, giants, veelas, werewolves, house elves, vampires, and other rational magical entities too! I mean Jesus died for them, right?
Predictions:
Juneteenth, 1978: Crashing a Weird Sisters concert at Hogsmeade with a powerful Silencio. Gives a long speech about how my dad has been discriminated against for the color of his skin and how the lingering effects of slavery (racism) continue to hold back people like my daddy even today. Brings out church trumpet, plays "Lift Every Voice and Sing" for the audience. If they can't appreciate it, they're racists for honestly preferring the beatnik/mop top crap that the Weird Sisters spit out.
July 15, 1985: Blasting "Before I let Go" at the '85 cookout. Turns out, neither the marauders, nor Sev, nor Lily, nor the Longbottoms know how to properly two step.
Thanksgiving (Brits don't celebrate it), 1992: My daughter Mayday blasting "Fight the Power" at a Gryffindor vs Slytherin Quidditch match (she's Slytherin)
Christmas 1994: Playing Baby got Back at the Yule Ball. The Weird Sisters really hate me. Their weak, lame, mayo tainted tunes have been swapped for real music. Lawd, they are goin' kill me for crashin' another one of their concerts (long story, see 1978).