"Honey, you know, you don't have to go to work today. I can call Charlotte and tell her to get another surgeon instead." Jake suggested once again for what Addison could say the hundredth time as she roamed the insides of their joined closet.
She took a deep breath, silently telling herself to not aggravated. Jake is her husband; he's just worried about her. He always is, he's just a little bit more worried now because she hasn't been herself since she received the call from Amelia.
"I'm fine, Jake. It's just for a few hours." She reminded him. Again. Just like how she did a few minutes before.
"I know." He conceded. "But I also know that if you'd rather stay in bed or spend the day with the kids instead, you can do that. And Charlotte knows that too because…"
"You told her?" She cut in angrily, looking up from her hunt.
"I didn't." He said immediately. "I think Amelia did."
"Oh." She said slowly, returning to her hunt in the closet.
"Addie…"
"Jake, stop it. It's okay." She said immediately, purposefully stopping her husband from trying to console her once more. "Really, it's fine. People die all the time, you know? I lost my mom, Pete, Mark…and now, Derek. I'm going to be fine."
Jake sighed; if Addison had been with Naomi or anyone else, they'd probably believe Addison, but Jake knows his wife better than anyone else. Addison is not okay, he's sure of it because he was there. From the moment Amelia called Addison that night to tell her that Derek is dead to the weeks following as Addison mourned her ex-husband.
The moment Addison found out Derek died; Jake saw something in his wife die as well. During the first week, she'd call Amelia every night without fail, begging her to tell her that it was just some prank that Amelia was trying to pull. She begged her to say that Derek isn't really dead and if maybe they could talk and have coffee together once more – just like the old times. He thought that, that was the worst she could get…how wrong he was. Days after that, Addison became detached. She barely left their bed, always wearing a pink buttoned-up that he's never seen since they got together and always clutching a tiny box that he didn't know what contained. Sometimes he'd catch her looking through what he could think was a photo album and speaking to herself – "Remember that one time..." – it was always the same, always reminiscing. Addison mostly wanted to be alone during those days but, Jake was there. He stood by her no matter what.
Sure, he didn't appreciate the fact that Addison still owned a few valuables that her previous husband gave her or things that he owned. And sure, knowing that Addison is talking and thinking about another man – a man that she once considered the love of her life made Jake feel uncomfortable but he understood and respected it. Because Addison lost the person that meant everything to her at one point in her life and he knew how it felt. It happened to him with Lily, and even through that, Addison never said a thing so he took it upon his self to do the same thing. He respected her and once in a while – if she'd let him – he'd hold her and tell her that he's there over and over again until she'd stop crying.
"I know you are; I just want to be here for you." He says softly, fully entering their closet and standing next to his wife.
"I know that and, uhm, thank you. I know these past few weeks has been uncomfortable for you too." She mumbled shyly, looking up at him and giving him one of her soft smiles that he hasn't seen in weeks.
"You don't have to thank me." He insisted, moving closer but keeping his distance to give Addison her space. "And just so you know, I'm fine. I'm more worried about you."
"I'm fine, Jake." Addison insists, the smile on her face slowly fading.
"So, I've heard." He says sarcastically as Addison sighs, turning her back on her husband. "But Addison, are you sure you're going to be okay? You haven't left our bed in weeks and you've been on a work-leave. You still are. So, I'm sure Charlotte would get it if you don't come to work today."
"Jake, it's just a routine surgery." She reminds him, aggravation creeping in the tone of her voice.
"Which is why you should just give the surgery to a resident." He retorts without missing a beat. "Look, Addison, I'm not gatekeeping you from performing a surgery, I just want you to be ready first before you return to work."
"That's not your call to make, Jake. It's mine. I'm the only one who can say whether I'm ready or not, and I am ready." She snaps and he sighs.
Besides the crying and detachment, she's been snappish as well. Mostly, directly to only him. And he's grateful for that. Addison loves their children, she's an amazing mother, always so patient with them. Apparently even if she's going through a lot, being an amazing mother comes in nature with her.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, I know that it's your call, I just care about you. A lot. Addison, you're my wife. And I love you so much." He says softly, abandoning all reserve to wrap his arms around his wife. For a minute, he thought that she'd push him away but she didn't. And he's glad, his heart felt like soaring when he felt her relax in his arms.
"And I love you too, Jake. So much." She says, turning in his arms to meet his eyes. "You're right, I'm not okay but I can assure you that I'm ready. But even if I'm not, I'd still go to work because that would help me be ready. I need this to be ready."
"I know." He concedes, planting a kiss on her forehead. "Will you at least let me watch the surgery?"
She chuckles softly at that, "Must I remind you that I'm only performing a routine surgery, Dr. Reilly? I'm sure you've seen it performed by other doctors a thousand times before."
"You're right, I've seen that done thousands of times before because a c-section is very routine. But not when you do it. When you walk in an OR, its like you're performing magic. And I for one will never get tired of watching you do that, Dr. Montgomery-Reilly." He offers her a wide grin and she reciprocates with a soft smile.
"Well, if you insist." She says teasingly wriggling out of his embrace. "But you don't have to watch me right now. I'll meet you downstairs, I just need to find something."
"What are you trying looking for?" He asks curiously. "Maybe, I can help you find it."
But she didn't answer, she just started roaming around their closet again. Maybe accidentally (or purposefully) ignoring her husband's question. She's not ready to answer, and she's not sure if he's going to be ready for her answer.
"Addison?" He prodded a few moments later as she reached into a box.
"It's fine." She says distractedly, slowly standing up with what Jake could tell was a scrub cap in her hand. "I-I found what I was looking for."
He eyed the scrub cap critically as she stared at it – her eyes soft. The scrub cap was black and it had constellations all over it. Though it was a beautiful scrub cap, it was drastically different from Addison's usual scrub cap – the blue and white swirl one. And even Jake can tell that the design is so un-Addison.
"I don't think I've ever seen you wear that before." He comments teasingly when he feels the tension in the room begin to rise.
"It's not mine." She admits, looking up at Jake. "I gave this to Derek as an anniversary present. And I don't know. With him being…being dead. I mean, he's dead and it just feels, I, I just…"
"I get it." He cuts in softly, wrapping his arms around her.
Addison lets her body relax in her husband's arms. But her mind apparently had different plans... because as she closes her eyes, all she could see was the smile that Derek had on his face as she gave him the scrub cap.
xxx
"Derek, where are we going?" Addison asks her husband once again as they rode the hospital elevator.
"It wouldn't be a surprise if I tell you won't it?" He asks her teasingly. He laughs as Addison rolls her eyes. "Come on, Honey, I'm not going to do anything stupid. This day is special for the both of us, I want it to be special."
"I get your point." She concedes as her resolve softens with her husband's reasoning. "I want this to be special too but, Honey, you know how much I hate surprises."
"Of course, I know that. I am your husband for a year now, after all." He says confidently, wrapping an arm around Addison's shoulders.
"And I've been your wife for the past 365 days." She says softly, a big smile slowly forming on her face. "You know sometimes I still can't believe that we've been married for a year."
"Well, believe it because today's our first-year anniversary as Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd." Derek smiled widely as the elevator doors open.
"Wow…the hospital roof, how lovely." Addison muttered teasingly as Derek pulled her with him as he exited the elevator. "You do realize that we brownbag here almost every day, right?"
"Which is why I brought you here because this place…it may not be ours but it feels like it is. This place has been a part of the 365 days that we've shared together as a married couple." He says as they reach the railing where you can see almost all of Manhattan. "And the view here is beautiful."
"Yeah…" Addison sighs contently as Derek plants a kiss on her forehead. "Oh, before I forget, I have something for you."
"Addison." He reprimands. "I told you, I don't need a gift for today."
"But I wanted to buy you one. Besides…" She trails off smugly. "I told you I didn't need a gift either but you still bought me one anyway."
"How did you…"
"Mark may have accidentally slipped." She cuts in. "He asked what gift I wanted for my birthday but my birthday has passed so I got so suspicious and forced him to tell me."
"You're such a control-freak." He smiles down at her, amusement written on his face.
"What's wrong with being a control freak?" She asks defensively.
"Oh, but I love that about you." He offers her a reconciliatory smile before kissing her softly. "So, uh, who should go first?"
"I think you should go first because, Honey, I already know what your gift is anyway." She says smugly as Derek rolled his eyes.
"You're not sure about that." He says as he hands her a tiny box – a tiny music box. "I love a lot of things about you, but your music taste isn't one of them so I chose the music that it'll play. Try it."
Addison nodded and did as he said, tears welling up in her eyes as she heard the melody of Richard Marx's Now and Forever – the song that they chose to dance to during their first dance as a married couple play.
"This is amazing Derek." She mumbled softly as she hugged her husband tightly. "You've already trumped my gift, now I don't know if I should still give it to you."
"Now, you definitely need to show me this gift." He says teasingly as she pulls away from the hug.
"Okay, but promise me that you won't get disappointed." She murmurs shyly as she reaches into the pocket of her lab coat, "It's just a little something."
And as she sees the wide smile on Derek's face as she hands him the scrub cap, she bought him, she knew that he was thinking otherwise – and she's right, Derek thinks that the word "little" is an understatement. Though he gets why she said that, she's already bought him a lot of scrub caps. Including his favorite, the ferry boat scrub cap that she gave him as a wedding gift.
"Constellations because during our first date, you said my eyes reminded you of stars. Because of the way they sparkle." He whispers loud enough for Addison to hear as he continued to eye the scrub cap – the black scrub cap with constellations that she bought him; it maybe small but Derek knows that Addison didn't just choose the design randomly. She chose that because their first date – and the others that followed and will be following – was a big part of their life. So even if it's just small, it's going to hold a very big place in his heart.
"You like it?" She asks curiously.
"I don't like it," He smiles widely, meeting his wife's eyes. "I love it. And I love you, Addison."
It's her time to smile at that. "I love you too, Derek." She says, leaning in to kiss him briefly. "Happy anniversary, Mr. Shepherd."
"Happy anniversary, Mrs. Shepherd." He murmurs as he draws her in to wrap his arms around her. "And here's to more anniversaries to come as we continue our journey towards every day until eternity."
And as the two of them continue to embrace each other, they can't help but smile as they both think of what every day until eternity can bring them. All their hopes and dreams. Her hopes and dreams of becoming the mother of Derek's children and his hopes and dreams of both of them becoming the best surgeons in the nation. Their plans in the upcoming months and years; scheduled dates; moving in to the brownstone; checking out the house in the Hamptons; their next anniversary. And then there's Christmas. Every Christmas that they're going to celebrate together. It seemed impossible but they trusted each other enough to know that together they can make every day until eternity happen.
But then again, like Bizzy always says – people plan and God laughs. The plans, the hopes, the dreams, the every day until eternity never happened for them. Because a few years later, Christmas wasn't as bright as it was for them during the early years of their marriage. Derek's eyes stopped shining like stars when he looked at her and she no longer had the right to call him her husband. And the promise of every day until eternity became something that they'd regret forever because it never came for them.
Derek promised her that in the far future, when the two of them are close to retiring, he'd wear the constellation scrub cap for his last surgery. But now that would never happen because when Derek fled their homeland, it's one of the things that he left behind to start a new life. That and of course, the glaringly obvious fact – Derek is dead. As for the tiny box that Derek gave her? He'll always be in that tiny box – their memories will always be in that tiny box – and she'd always cling onto it so that she could get out of bed in the morning.
xxx
"Addison." She heard Charlotte call her a few hours later as she scrubbed in for surgery.
"Charlotte…" She begins, turning around to meet Charlotte's eyes. "I already got it from Nae and Violet, if you're here to tell me that I'm not ready then just go ahead and do so but you have to make it quick because I'm about to scrub in."
"Why on Earth would I try to talk you out of entering the OR? You're keeping the board happy which means that you're keeping me happy as well." Charlotte says in a typical 'Charlotte' way – filled with feigned innocence with a bit of arrogance. "Anyway, I'm here to tell you that we have a mother being brought here through a helicopter. She's pregnant with twins, and one of the twins isn't getting the right amount of blood…"
"So, its TTTS and you want me to operate." Addison assessed knowingly.
"Well, you're the only surgeon in the West Coast that can perform surgeries like that." She shrugged nonchalantly. "Now, it's your call if you want to do it or not."
"You said it yourself, Charlotte. I'm the only surgeon in the West Coast who can perform TTTS. Of course, I'd take it." She says as she returns into scrubbing in.
"Well, that's good." Charlotte nods, turning to leave the scrub room.
"Charlotte." Addison calls out, turning the faucet off.
"Yes?"
"Thank you." She doesn't say why. Charlotte could tell. She's thanking her for giving her something that could take her mind away from Derek.
"Just doing my job. Now, don't let me take all of your time and get your ass in the OR." The two of them exchange smiles before Charlotte says. "And Montgomery, nice scrub cap. They remind me of your eyes."
Addison gives Charlotte a nod, trying not to let her emotion get the best of her with Charlotte's assessment. "I'll go inside, just page me when the patient comes." She says before disappearing inside the OR.
And as she enters, her eyes roam around the one place that she's considered as her home. Besides Jake and their family, the OR is hers and a lot of surgeons' home. And one of the homes that she used to share with Derek at one time in her life. It's one of the few places that changes so much in different ways but stays the same in Addison's heart. It's one of her constants – her every day until eternity.
But right now, she feels lost in it. Admittedly, ever since she moved to LA, she rarely entered the OR but even so, she's always still so confident when she enters it. Addison is aware that she's a great surgeon and she makes it a habit to impress other doctors with her skills in the OR. But now feels different, and she's sure that it's not because she hasn't been in the OR for a while. It's because a piece of her died. Addison has long gotten over Derek but a part of her always knew that Derek is and will always be a part of her – a soulmate that wasn't meant to be. Especially in her medical career. And now that she'd lost Derek permanently, it's making her feel like she's lost.
She can barely breathe and her heart is pounding. And so, like she did during her first solo-surgery, she looked up and search for her source of strength in the gallery. But unlike the first time, instead of Derek's piercing ocean eyes, she met Jake's honey brown ones. The eyes of the man who she promised to be the last man she says "I love you" to.
And though there are still a lot of changes made today, a sense of familiarity kicked in within her. Even if it's not the same, Jake was still able to make her heart flutter the same way Derek did. (And if she's being honest, Jake was the only man who was able to trump Derek in making her heart flutter). Jake who has been with her through everything since they got together, the man who understood her during the darkest times of her life. The man who she met over pineapples and eventually became the father of her children – her husband and the love of her life.
"Dr. Montgomery?" One of the residents cut through her thoughts.
Addison looked around the OR one more time. The patient has been prepped. Surgical instruments were scattered neatly on the table next to her. The other doctors that she was meaning to impress were all around her. Everything was ready – everything and everyone besides her.
She contemplates for a minute – it's not her superstition, after all. But with the timing and the voice in her head that's telling her to just to do so. – "Say it, Addison. Say it." – it just feels right. It's the least she can do but it just feels right to honor Derek – and the memory behind that mantra – by saying it.
So, behind her mask, she gives everyone a broad smile before glancing up to her husband one more time.
"It's a beautiful day to save lives; let's have some fun." She says, reaching her hand towards a scrub nurse. "Ten blade."
And that's when the magic begins. It's still the same as always. But at the same time, it's also different. Because unlike the other times that she's operated, instead of thinking of all the complications that could arise as she moves through every incision and cuts, her mind is being brought back to the time when she first heard him say that.
xxx
"Addison." She hears Mark call after her as she runs towards the gallery of one of the ORs in Mt. Sinai. "Addison, Webber's going to kill us!"
"Let him be, Mark." She says hurriedly as Mark tries to match her pace.
"Look, I know that you have control over Webber," Mark begins as he grabs her arm. "But I don't and I don't want to do SCUT for the rest of the year. And I know you don't want to do that either, so, let's go!"
"Mark." She sighs in frustration. "I don't care if I get SCUT or get assigned in the pit for the rest of the year, I don't want to miss Derek's first solo-surgery. And I know that you don't either, you're just scared. Now, what's more important for you? Your fear of SCUT or watching Derek's first solo-surgery?"
"My fear of SCUT." He answers immediately. "I'm sorry, just tell Derek I'm sorry when you see him because I'm sure you'd see him before I do."
"Fine." Addison rolls her eyes. "But make sure that you come over to our apartment later to celebrate."
"7 PM tonight. Got it!" Mark exclaims as he runs back towards the ER.
"And bring Derek's favorite scotch!" She calls after him before continuing to run towards the gallery. Her fear that Derek has started the surgery before he got to see her or that maybe she'd have no place in the gallery any more increasing with every step she took.
Lucky for her though, as she arrived in the gallery, the only person that she saw was Vivian Carlsmith, her mentor. Breathlessly, she immediately moved towards the front and took the seat next to Vivian.
"They haven't started yet?" Addison asks Vivian as she looks down, seeing a very nervous Derek standing next to his mentor, Edward Belle.
"They're still prepping." She says, walking towards the speakers in the gallery before turning it on. "I was waiting for you to get here, and I think Derek is too."
"Thank you, Vivian." She says gratefully.
"You're lucky, you're my favorite student." Vivian says teasingly, sitting down again as the voices of the people in the OR come through the speakers.
"I think, we're all set." They hear Edward's voice through the speaker. "Derek? Do you want to say a few words before we get started?"
"W-what?" Derek stuttered.
"Say a few words like a mantra." Derek's mentor explains.
"Oh." He said quietly. "I don't have anything prepared."
"Sure, you do." Edward insists. "Besides saving lives, what is something or someone else that you love?"
"A-Addison. I love Dr. Montgomery." He says softly, looking up to see Addison smiling widely at him.
"Well, then." Edward says, grinning amusedly. "Think about a word that describes Addison."
Derek nodded, fixing his eyes at his fiancé – even with the droopy eyes and the tired smile that a 24-hour shift gave her, she still looked as beautiful as ever. Just like when he first met her that summer over the cadaver. But besides her physical attributes, Derek knows – he sees something beautiful inside of her too. "Beautiful, she's beautiful…Uh…She's, I mean, it's a beautiful day to save lives."
"Okay, everyone, let's have some fun. Give him the ten blade." Edward orders.
Everything went by like lightning. From Addison watching Derek make his first incision to watching Derek beam proudly. Even though it was his first every solo-surgery, he made it look like he's done it so many times before. Everything seemed as text-booked as it can when an intern performs it.
"I am so proud of you!" Addison beams as proudly as she launches herself to Derek as they meet outside of the scrub room a few moments later.
"Thank you." He whispers softly in her ear.
"For what?" She asks confusedly as she meets Derek's eyes.
"For being you, for being the most beautiful woman I know." He says softly, caressing her cheek with his fingers.
"Oh." A hearty laugh escapes her lips, both of their eyes shining in happiness. "Thank you but uhm, let's talk about you because I'm so proud of you."
"Yeah?" He mumbles, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Yeah. You were a God today. You were a God in that OR. You slew dragons. You walked on water." She trails off, wrapping her arms around his neck, and brushing his lips with hers. "You were a God."
"If I'm a God, then what are you?"
"I don't know, all I know is that I'm about to be your wife." She says confidently.
"Well, I can't wait for you to be my wife." He smiles widely before kissing her deeply.
xxx
"Sweetheart?" Addison sat up from her place in one of the bunk-beds, seeing her husband standing from the doorway of the on-call room. "I got you something."
"Coffee?" She asks groggily, gesturing towards the cup in Jake's hand.
"Juju." He says, fully entering the on-call room to sit beside his wife. "You lost a patient so I got you some juju."
Addison nods gratefully as Jake sits next to her. Juju. He brought her some juju. Of course he did, she told him about her superstition. And ever since she did, it became their thing. He'd bring her juju every time she loses a patient or gets a very difficult case to deal with, and she'd do the same thing with him. Among the other things that became their thing, like the drink-sharing and making their own Christmas traditions, drinking juju after losing patients became a part of Addison-and-Jake.
"Thanks." She says appreciatively as she takes the cup from her husband.
For a minute, the two of them sat in uncomfortable silence. Lately, the air between the two of them has been tense. Especially when they're left together without their children in the room. Addison wants to say something, break the ice between her and her husband but she can't think of anything. But luckily, as she sips her juju, her husband finally decided to break the silence between them.
"You were great in there, you know." He says softly, meeting Addison's eyes. "You still made magic in there and you still made me so proud of you."
"Thank you, Jake. And uhm…" She takes a deep breath. For the past few weeks, she pretty much treated him coldly – something that she never thought she could do and she regrets it deeply. Jake has nothing but good to her and she feels awful. "I'm sorry. For these past few weeks, I'm sorry for everything." She apologizes, putting the cup of juju away.
"You don't have to say sorry, Addison." He insists as Addison shakes her head vehemently.
"No, I've been treating you badly these past few weeks. And I've been avoiding spending alone time with you, I shouldn't have done that. As your wife – "
"As your husband, it's my job to understand and love you unconditionally no matter what." He cuts in gently. "We're in this together, remember? No questions, no reservations. And besides, I know what it's like to lose the one person that you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. A part of both of us will always love them. Especially you, because Derek was your first love. He was your first almost everything."
"Jake…"
"And I'm not trying to imply anything. Because I don't want to be your first, I'm going to be your last. And I'm happy because I intend to be your last. I want to be with you till the end and even if that means that I'm going to have to deal with your firsts, its okay. Because in the end, I'll be the one who's going to be with you. You and our kids, we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. And I'll be the man – "
"You're going to be the last man that I ever love." She fills in, smiling softly at him. "We're okay, right?"
"We're more than okay, Addison." He murmurs, reaching for her cheek to pull her in for a kiss. "We're in it for the long-haul. For as long as we both shall live."
"For as long as we both shall live." Addison echoes, kissing Jake deeply.
And as Addison continues to kiss her husband, she feels heart flutter. Not just because it's Jake, but because they're going to be okay. What they've gone through those last couple of weeks, it's just a small bump in the road but she knows that she'll always cling onto it. It will always be a big part of their lives. Because those small bumps…it's what makes them better. Its what makes them stronger.
Both of them still knows that they have a long way to go through. A death of someone you love will change you forever and getting over it takes time. But even so, she knows and Jake knows that Addison will get through it. Because she's not going to be alone, she'd have him – and together they make magic.
Everyone has their fare-share of firsts; first loves, first heart breaks. And those firsts will forever be in our lives. Whether we want to or not, it's one of the reasons why we're who we are today. Through the good and bad – or sometimes, the downright awful changes that they brought in their life by leaving, we should still be grateful. Because it could be an opening to something even better, something that would be right for us. Like what happened to Addison, she may have lost her first in the cruelest way possible but she also found the person who made her a better person. The right person for her. She found her last. Someone that she'd have for as long as she shall live.
She'll forever be grateful to Derek, wherever he is, because if he hadn't let her go – if he hadn't changed her life, she probably would've never met Jake; and her life right now, it would just be a pipedream. So, in honor of him, she'll savor the moments that she'd have with her loved ones and live the life she has to the fullest.