The wind rattled the worn-out windows of the old house on Spinner's End, causing a draft to rip through the front sitting room where Severus Snape sat, waiting. His black hair fell in curtains around his face as he stared into the fireplace without really seeing, lost in thought. He felt nervous to the point of nauseous, a feeling that gripped him only in these particular instances. He worried that tonight would be the last time he would ever see her alone.
He stood quickly, as this thought consumed his mind. He felt sickened with himself and yet knew he would surely go mad without trying one last time. If she said no, if she refused…
If. He looked pleadingly towards the ceiling, as though a reassurance would be waiting there to comfort him. There was no 'if'. Not anymore.
And maybe, said a pitiful voice inside his head, maybe there never has been.
The weight of this detrimental thought crashed over him, forcing him to sink back down into his armchair. He felt completely lost to the point of hopelessness.
Several more, heavy minutes passed while Severus sat, his palms pressed into his eyes, his entire body shaking slightly.
Suddenly, there were three soft knocks at the door. His legs now seemed to be made of lead, making it impossible for him to stand. He simply stared at the door to his left, his heart racing.
Then, with a click and a thump, the front door unlocked and swung forward quickly, hitting the wall due to the thunderous wind.
Severus stared, but no one entered. Suddenly on the alert, he stood, grabbing his wand from his inside robe pocket and pointing it at the open doorway.
"Reveal yourself," he said softly, but firmly.
The door slammed shut, cutting off the roar of the storm. Severus did not move and did not lower his wand. He continued to stare at the door, and at the worn, threadbare rug that lay in front of it. Just as he raised his wand, there was a quick swish, as Lily Potter tore off an invisibility cloak, and appeared standing on the rug wearing a deep blue travelling cloak, her long, red hair hanging loose from under her hood.
She pulled her hood down to reveal a pale face with pink stained cheeks from the cold, and startlingly beautiful green eyes. She was holding her wand out, and Severus noticed that she gripped it tightly.
All the air from the room seemed to be extinguished as Severus looked at her. He slowly lowered his wand, drinking in every feature of her, from her laced-up boots to the wave of her hair around her face. It had been worth the tormented build-up, just for this.
"I'm here." She said it coldly, detached.
Severus opened his mouth to speak but found that he couldn't. He had spent the better part of the last two days focusing on what he would say to her and how he would say it, even going so far as to practice out loud, and now found that his mouth was dry and his head empty.
Lily raised her eyebrows, staring at his face intently. She was still clutching her wand, which was pointed directly at his chest.
"Well?" She said impatiently.
When Severus still did not speak, she turned towards the door, grabbing the handle and pulling it open once more.
"Wait!" Severus called quickly, holding out his hand to signal for her to stop. "Please, wait. I'm sorry. I'll be quick." His voice was pleading, almost desperate.
She looked at him, and then pushed the door closed again, still not lowering her wand.
"Then speak, "she said, "Because I am leaving here in exactly five minutes or less."
Severus swallowed hard. Looking at her made it nearly impossible to tell her what he knew he needed to. It was like a stolen reward that he knew he didn't deserve but coveted just the same.
"I-I have made a lot of mistakes." Snape tried to remember everything he wanted to say, as he had rehearsed it. "I have-well, I have messed up my entire life."
Lily snorted. "And what- you're calling me here for sympathy? Would you like me to pat you on the head and tell you it's going to be okay? That you can change?"
"I can," he replied quickly, "I mean, I can-"
"No." Lily cut across him, holding up her hand that wasn't holding her wand, "you can't."
Severus looked up at the ceiling again, willing some semblance of hope.
Lily laughed sarcastically, "You're in it, Sev. I mean, big time in it. You can't get out, and you don't want to get out. You've had so many points in your life where you had choices," her voice dripped with derision, "and every time, you chose this life."
Severus looked around the small, dark sitting room where he had grown up, at the peeling wallpaper, and the worn-out, dirty floors.
"No," she grimaced, "that life." She gestured to his left forearm. Severus glanced down at it, wishing he could throw it away from himself.
Lily shook her head, a disgusted expression on her face.
Severus looked at her full in the face. "I wanted to tell you," he said, with a great, sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, "that I love you."
Lily stared at him, her expression unchanging.
"More than this," he said desperately, throwing up his left arm, "more than anything that I have ever had in my entire life."
And now the words tumbled from him as though a spout were turned on.
"I don't need to live this life!" he said loudly, "I don't need any of-of the dark arts, or anything that comes with it. I would give it all up, all of it, every piece of who I am, if it meant that you would love me too. If it meant that you could look at me like you used to, like you cared. If it meant that you trusted me enough to lower your wand, trusted me enough to know that I would never hurt you."
He took a step towards her. She did not move.
"I love you," he said again, "and I want to prove it to you. Please, let me."
He searched her eyes, trying to decipher some meaning from them. Lily stared back at him, her expression now impassive. Several moments passed.
She let her wand arm fall to her side.
"I know you don't need it," she said sadly. "But you want it more than anything else."
Severus jerked his head quickly, as though he could shake the truth away.
"Deny it," she challenged.
"Do you love me?" he pressed on, his mind only working towards this.
Lily raised her eyebrows. "I did."
"The way I love you?"
She paused. "No."
Severus took a step back, as though her words were a physical barrier that had suddenly been thrown up between them. Clenching his teeth tightly together, he felt disoriented. The truth was like venom over his skin.
"I love you more than he does!" he threw at her, hot, angry tears springing up behind his eyes.
Lily slowly inclined her head back, conveying her impatience.
"Ah, okay," she said, "So is this about loving me, or hating him?"
"Both!" he shouted.
Lily nodded her head, conveying to him that he was acting exactly how she would expect him to.
"Strange," she said casually, but still with a hint of disdain in her voice, "How you can be so overwhelmed with thoughts of me and James Potter while living in Voldemort's pocket and doing his torturous bidding."
They stared at one another, the roar of the storm outside performing a perfect echo of what Severus felt.
"I will not come again," she said. "I know where my loyalties lie, and where yours do. And contrary to what you say," she pressed on, because he showed signs of wanting to interrupt, "they do not lie with me, no matter how much you have me built up in your head."
Stooping down to pick up the invisibility cloak, she whisked it around her shoulders. Severus watched her, feeling helpless and angry.
She moved towards the door, opening it and welcoming in the thunderous wind once again.
"By the way," she said loudly over the howl, "what does Voldemort have to say about his favorite Death Eater loving a mudblood?" Her face bore that same disgusted expression from earlier, as she pulled her hood back up, and vanished from sight as the door slammed.
A ringing silence filled the room as Snape stood rooted to the spot.
It was like a poisonous well that had been lying dormant in his chest had suddenly become uncovered, and was now overflowing, its contents moving throughout his body. Her rejection of him had always lay unbidden in the depths of his mind, but now it was all too present.
His mind now felt consumed with the worst of the heaviest feelings that Severus had yet felt. He had hoped that convincing her to come here tonight would bring him some sort of reassurance that hope was not lost for him, that he could start over, that maybe she could love him back if he changed.
But now, said the bitter voice in his mind, there is nothing left to lose.