How To Train Your Human
To my dragon brethren. For many years we raided the humans, who killed us, so we killed them in defence, and it didn't turn out well for anyone. Fortunately, all of that is over now, thanks to my own very clever and brave human (and myself, of course).
The humans have taken it upon themselves to feed us, groom us, clean up our droppings, heal our wounds and build us nests. All they ask for in return is to be taken on rides, and to be protected; because let's face it, humans are meat-sacks who often use anything other than their own bodies to defend themselves. They don't even have claws or fangs, poor things. They have to use sharp pieces of metal.
Humans are confusing creatures. My friends and I have put together a series of useful tips on how to train and form a close bond with your very own human.
Signed, Toothless.
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Feeding
1. Feeding time is bonding time. Turn it into a game of fetch; when your human tries to toss you a fish, be sure to miss it so they need to pick it up and try again. You can have loads of fun. If they hit you in the face with the fish, they want to play catch, so throw it back. Warning - if you play too much they might take away the fish from you.
2. If your human suggests getting food when you are already near the ocean, or food source of your choice, give them the thrill of experiencing what it's like to hunt prey. They might sound annoyed when they're soaking wet and freezing, but they don't know any better. Be sure to help them warm up once you are back on the ground.
3. We dragons are generous creatures. Be sure to express your gratitude for your humans' efforts in feeding you by regurgitating some of the meal to share with them. Half a fish will do. As a bonus, pretending to sulk after they inevitably politely refuse your offering will lead to them trying to make up for it. Do not let them catch onto this.
4. If you are a Nadder, demand cooked chicken. This miraculous food is delicious, nutritious and will make you fly faster than ever before. Nothing else compares. If you are not a Nadder, don't ask for cooked chicken. You will be eating the food that is rightfully ours, and we will come for you. We will find you. We can smell anything.
5. If you're lucky, you'll have a human who likes to eat as much as you do. Gently encourage them to give you meals earlier and more often, so that you can devour helpings to your hearts' content. Whining and slumping as if you have no strength to move will usually nudge them into feeding you. However, this is not always the case.
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Grooming
1. Be sure to get as dirty as possible before grooming sessions. Your human wants to use this time to bond with you, so naturally, the longer they need to spend scraping gunk from between your claws and dirt off your wings, the more bonding time they'll get. At first they might seem ungrateful, but they'll thank you eventually. Trust me.
2. As with feeding time, show your appreciation by returning the favour and grooming your human. Cover them with scents that tell everyone they are yours and you love them. (Please note - this is not advisable for dragons with flammable or poisonous spit). Don't worry if they protest; humans just don't appreciate a good layer of saliva.
3. Humans are very good at grooming, what with their opposable thumbs and flexible arms. Best of all, many of them – especially the females – love our beautiful scales. Be sure to encourage the most grooming when you're shedding. You get loose scales taken off and they get pretty souvenirs, it's a win win. Make sure they get your back.
4. Be careful about which humans are grooming you. If you know the human, then all is well. If you don't know them, and you are also in a cage, then be wary. They might be polishing your scales with the intent of turning you into dragonskin bags and belts. Warning: under no circumstances should you let yourself end up in a cage.
5. Try not to let your human groom you if you are planning on taking a nap. This is fine so long as they only want to groom the top of you. If they want to groom your underside, they are likely to try and make you roll over. It is tempting to roll over on top of them, but squashing your human is one of the surest ways to lose your human.
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Healing
1. One of the best things about living with humans is the free dentistry. They know we lash out when hurt, so take the opportunity to blow off steam by setting things on fire from the pain of your bad fang. Be sure not to let them catch on when you're faking it, as they will be less likely to help you for real next time. Humans are wily creatures.
2. Having a broken leg, or worse a wing, is awful, but your human is there to help. Not only will they splint the wound, they'll feel compelled to nurse you back to health so that you and they can go flying again as soon as possible. This means they'll be at your beck and call for at least a month or so. Make the most of this bonding time.
3. Once you're flying fit, revel in your returned independence by going for a nice relaxing flight without your human to distract you. After all, they've been around you for weeks already. Then take them out for a ride the next morning, the earlier the better. They've taken such good care of you all that time, it's the least you can do.
4. If you happen to get sick from the blue-death flower, your human will hopefully know how to cure you. If they don't know, you have our condolences. Getting the cure of Scauldron venom will be very dangerous for them without you, so be sure to give them plenty of grateful licks for risking their life on your behalf to retrieve it.
5. Sometimes your human will get sick. It is best to let other humans heal them, but you can help too! Make sure they know they are not alone. If they are injured, and you don't have poisonous/flammable/acidic spit, lick their wounds. If they are feeling unwell, purr a lot to make them feel better. They will be very grateful afterwards.
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Nesting
1. When your human makes you a nest, if they don't just decide to save time
and invite you into theirs, it will be made of wood. You may feel an urge to set the wood on fire to mark your territory, especially if you are a Monstrous Nightmare, but try to refrain. If you burn down another 'stable' your human might not build it again.
2. If your human invites you into their nest, be careful. It will be full of fragile things, or sharp things. Or both. Try not to break too much, eat too much of their food, or use any part of their nest to mark your territory. Doing so will make your human angry and they will probably kick you out to sleep on your own. Or their sire and dam will do so.
3. Return the favour now and then by bringing them into your nest. Don't worry if they protest; soon your warmth and purring will lull them to sleep. Be very careful not to squish or skewer them. Pretend they are a hatchling if you want to. Be warned - like hatchlings, some humans are prone to fidget and whine a lot, and may try to escape.
4. You deserve a good nest. Don't be afraid to complain if the nest your human builds isn't up to scratch. You want it to be nice and big, with plenty of room to turn around or stretch out in. If you find that your humans' nest is larger than the one they made for you, invite yourself into their nest and stretch yourself out so that they get the hint.
5. If you don't want to sleep in a human made nest, that's fine! You can still stay close by in case they need protecting. Good places to make your nest are behind theirs, or on top of theirs. Be careful - if you are too heavy you might fall into their nest. Do not make a nest in front of theirs. Your human will see this as a challenge for territory.
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Training and Discipline
1. Always remember - your human is not the boss of you. It is okay to do as they ask sometimes, but you are a proud and mighty dragon. If your human is bossy or too demanding then be sure to ignore them until they get the hint. To make up for this, you should help them if they ask nicely by offering you fish. Always eat the fish first.
2. Sometimes your human will try to punish you by shutting you in a cage. If possible, escape at the first opportunity and demand a reckoning. If not possible, be sure to sulk and refuse all commands or entreaties. At least until they get the hint and grovel to apologise for treating you that way. It may seem hard at first, but stay strong.
3. You might find that your human has terrible survival instincts; really, it's a wonder any of them are still around. Sooner or later they may try to do something stupid, like jump off a cliff with fake wings. If at all possible, restrain them so that they can't hurt themselves, or make sure you're there to catch them when they inevitably fail to fly.
4. Your human will be under the impression that they are training you. Some of this training will be fun new flying tricks! Sometimes you may not understand what it is they want you to do. If this happens, refuse to do anything until they explain. Humans are quite stupid creatures, so you might have to wait a while for them to get the idea.
5. If you do not wish to do something your human demands, then do not do it. They can't make you do anything, and it will be amusing to see them try. However, you should indulge them whenever possible, in case they think you dislike them. As a bonus, your human is likely to reward your generous help with fish or a rub down.