AN: HeathenVampires came up with this AU idea the other day, and I just had to write this. Fluffy crack and cracky fluff ahead. With maybe an unexpected bout of feels in between. Enjoy. ^^

Doctor Who AU:
Hiccup is the Doctor.
Eret is kind of Captain Jack Harkness.
Astrid is the embodiment of the TARDIS.

. o O o .

The Parisian Sewage System, Venice, And Other Mistakes

When they opened the door, the surrounding area was entirely empty. Not empty-space-empty. Just empty.

It was night as they arrived, the sky dark. Or maybe that was just because the air was thick with some strange mist. It obscured the sky, and even that hill over there, which seemed not that far away, was only visible as a vague outline. And what was that strange distance thundering roar?

"Okay, this is not Paris."

Eret glanced at Hiccup standing next to him, and amusement made his lips twitch at the other man's startled expression. Hiccup seemed to have a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that they were not where he'd wanted to go—even though that happened often enough, as far as Eret could tell.

"Or maybe we are in Paris," Eret suggested. "Just not on the day you meant to come?"

Hiccup shook his head, looking around the barren lands in front of them with bewilderment clear on his face. "No… There's no time period ever where the area of Paris looks like this. Uh, Astrid? Where are we?"

"Not in Paris."

The reply came from a few steps behind them and the salty tone of Astrid's voice made them both jump. When they turned, she stood with her arms crossed in front of her, one foot tapping against the floor, and a clearly annoyed expression. She also hadn't changed yet, still wore her usual outfit of a light blue shirt, dark blue leggings, and a brown leather skirt.

"Yeah," Hiccup said carefully. "I can see that. But why? I'm sure I set the coordinates correctly." He went over to the main controller board of his TARDIS, then nodded. "Yep. Paris, June 10th, 2087, 7pm. All correct. So why didn't it work?" He threw Astrid, the TARDIS's physical avatar, a worried look. "Was it a malfunction? I'm not sure what exactly could have caused us to land here, but I can go down to the engine room and see what I can find. Fiddle around a bit and—"

He broke off when Astrid let out a harsh snort. "Sure," she said acidly. "Go down on me and see whether that fixes anything."

Eret chocked on a laugh. Even angry—and there was no doubt about her current mood—Astrid's sense of humour was amazing. Even as Hiccup clearly didn't think so at this moment.

"But… I don't understand," he muttered. He threw a pleading look at Eret, but he could only shrug. He did not know why she was angry, either.

"Yeah, I know. Nothing new."

"But I thought you wanted to do something romantic," Hiccup exclaimed, a little helplessly. "That's why I booked a table for us in that restaurant. It's supposed to be the best and most romantic place humankind ever created."

Given his experience, Eret seriously doubted that, but he kept his mouth shut nonetheless. Getting between a Time Lord and his TARDIS? There was only one situation when that wasn't a horrible mistake, and this was not it.

"Oh, I'm sure it is," Astrid hissed. She turned around and walked away, up the stairs, and after a quick confused glance, Hiccup and Eret followed her.

"But I don't understand—"

"You already said that."

"—What is wrong with going out? Isn't that what you wanted?"

Without a warning, Astrid suddenly appeared behind them again, the TARDIS projecting her avatar to different places as she sometimes did. Hiccup cringed as she stepped toward him, her finger accusingly stabbing at his chest. "Going out to eat at a romantic restaurant with my boyfriends? Yes!"

"Then why—"

"Being left behind in the fucking sewage system of Paris? What were you even thinking?"

"Uh... I didn't…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Astrid threw her hand up in the air, then turned to further climb the stairs.

"But who said something about leaving you behind?" Eret asked cautiously. He knew for a fact that Hiccup had booked the table for all three of them. Supposedly, it was to celebrate him being with them for 500 days. But how would one even count days and years when travelling through time and space? Besides, as far as he could tell, Hiccup and Astrid weren't shy to use any excuse for a day trip.

Astrid paused and gave him a tired smile. "Eret, love, you don't know any better yet, so I'll forgive you. When I go with you, in this body, then I see and smell and experience everything she does. I can sit with you at that table and I can taste the delicious food. I can listen to the music in the background, smell the flowers all around us, and feel the breeze caressing my skin. But all that wouldn't change that I would still be standing in the sewage system. In that damp darkness, with that horrific smell, and with the rats all around nagging at my walls. No romantic restaurant in the universe can compensate for that, and he knows that!" Again, she suddenly appeared in front of Hiccup, giving him a dangerous glare.

With a sheepish grimace, Hiccup scratched the back of his head. "But… I thought you wouldn't mind. In those times, landing on the surface is too dangerous."

Again, she gave an angry snort. "So, you think because I've already spent so much time, years and years, in one galactic sewage system or another, I wouldn't mind the smell during a romantic date, either? Or do you think the Parisian sewage system is special somehow? Because I'm petty sure it smells just the same as every other sewage system."

Following her as she went on up the stairs, Hiccup was at least smart enough to not argue further. "Yeah, okay. I made a mistake there, I see that now. And I'm sorry, Astrid, I promise to consider where to park you more carefully from now on."

She grunted in acknowledgement

"So, how about we go back down? I change the parameters, and we head to that restaurant? It's not as if we're getting late, or something. And the table is booked for us, after all."

With a sigh, Astrid turned toward them, and she already looked less angry now. "I'm not in the mood for Paris anymore. That table won't go anywhere, we can travel there on another day. As you said, it's not as if we're getting late."

Well, she had a point, Eret guessed.

"All right." Hiccup yielded with a small sigh. Wise man. "How about we travel somewhere else then? Somewhere without a sewage system. Venice, maybe? There are lots of romantic places there, too."

Eret could tell that Hiccup was a little proud to have come up with that idea. And he had to admit that in the countless years of his existence, he'd never been to Venice before. It sounded like a good idea.

Except that Astrid seemed to think differently. She appeared dangling from a pipe above them, looking incredulously at Hiccup.

"Venice? Are you serious? Don't you remember what happened the last time we went to Venice?"

Hiccup winced. "Oh… right…"

"What happened the last time you went to Venice?" Eret asked. Now that Astrid wasn't actually angry anymore, it was entertaining to watch the back and forth between her and Hiccup. Their behaviour had a fun long-married-couple-vibe to it—which wasn't completely off, anyway.

"Oh, nothing major," Hiccup muttered hastily. "We just ran into a few vampires."

"Vampires!?" Eret gaped. He'd never heard of actual vampires before, let alone met one.

"They were space vampires, Hiccup," Astrid corrected tersely, appearing right in front of Hiccup again. "Space vampires! With frills! And they nearly killed you. We're not going to Venice!" She stormed off, her braid swinging agitatedly.

Eret raised an eyebrow at Hiccup. "Space vampires?" he asked cautiously.

Grimacing, Hiccup waved his hands as if to shoo the memories aside. "It's a… a long story."

"Uh-huh." Eret's lips twitched. He was looking forward to hearing this story. Later.

They kept following Astrid as she climbed higher and higher. She was easily able to transform the insides of the TARDIS in every way she wanted, and so there was no need for them to climb for so long. Except that she wanted to make a point, probably. Eventually though, she'd apparently made them suffer for long enough. Around the next corner, she was waiting for them in front of a heavy metal door, and the smile on her face could almost be called serene. No matter how upset or annoyed she'd been before, she seemed to be happy now.

"Are you ready?"

"For what?" Hiccup asked cautiously.

But Astrid didn't reply, just grinned and took them by the hand. The door opened at her silent command, and they all stepped out on what seemed to be some kind of balcony. It wasn't real, Eret knew; they were still inside the TARDIS. But it felt authentic enough, the mist curling around them, the thundering roar echoing from somewhere nearby, and a light breeze caressing their skin.

On Astrid's other side, Hiccup took a few steps forward, looking around in awe. And when Eret followed his gaze, glimpsing what lay behind the mist, he understood him all too well.

They stood above what appeared to be a high cliff. Around them, uncountable formations of mountains rose into the sky. Some were just soft hills covered in flowers made of stone. Some were sheer cliffs, broken mountains. And others looked more like sculptures, intricate forms etched into the stone by the wind. And less than a hundred meters away from them, a gigantic waterfall rushed past them into the abyss below. The source of the roaring thunder.

"What is this?" Hiccup asked, then turned to look at Astrid. "Where are we?"

Eret turned as well and noticed how her appearance had changed. She now wore a dress in a dark blue, sparkling as if made of woven starlight, and her hair was only partially up in little braids winding their way around her head. The far bigger part hung loosely around her shoulders, and it was the biggest testimony to their impressive surroundings that Hiccup paid them any attention at all next to this sight.

"We're in the Archipelago galaxy," she said in a soft voice, her eyes brimming with joy at having surprised them so effectively. "This is the second planet in the Berk system."

"Stormfly," Eret muttered absently, old and dusty memories of learning names resurfacing at her words.

Astrid nodded, and Hiccup turned toward him with a flabbergasted expression. "You've heard of this before?"

Eret shrugged, and fought to suppress a grin. Even though he tried to not let it show, it clearly miffed Hiccup that Eret, the former con man and just plain ordinary time traveller, knew more about a planet than he, the Time Lord.

"Right…" He turned back towards Astrid, even as his eyes kept shifting to the shadowy landscape. "So, why did you bring us here? Not that the view isn't impressive, but—"

He broke off when Astrid walked up to him, and with a smirk playing around her lips leaned in to kiss him. "You're so cute when you're like this," she teased.

Eret liked watching them, but he also liked when she turned to him next, kissed him as well, and then pulled them both over to the far end of the balcony.

"Why I bought us here, you ask? Well…" She sank down onto a thick blanket that hadn't been there only moments before, then patted the empty places next to her. "Come here and see for yourself."

Hiccup and Eret exchanged a bemused look, but then followed her invitation. They laid down next to each other with Astrid in the middle and gazed up into the misty sky.

"So… what are we waiting for?" Hiccup asked. Eret could tell that his slight annoyance from before had evaporated already. The prospect of seeing or learning something new always excited him.

Astrid chuckled. "Just wait for it."

It took another half dozen minutes, time spent with holding hands and murmured conversation before it happened. From one moment to the other, the surrounding mist seemed to explode with light and colours. Logically, he understood that dawn had set in, but it seemed more like the air itself was on fire—except that it wasn't hot and the mist glowed in more colours than he'd ever seen before.

It was like a rainbow, except that it was everywhere around them. Blue and yellow mixed with red and turquoise, hints of purple showing up here and there, and even more colours, some he didn't even have a name for. The waterfall had transformed into a billion crystals, reflecting the light as if the water itself was glowing. And the stone formations all glowed in bright gold, reaching into the sky like beacons or spikes. It was absolutely breathtaking.

But it was even more than that. Eret stared in wonder as memories and emotions he'd thought he'd lost millennia ago churned in his heart. This… it… it was… It was just like… home.

"It's called Aurvandil's fire," Astrid explained in a soft voice. "The light from the sun reflects and reacts with the mist. It's a unique spectacle, as far as I know. Supposedly one of the most beautiful sights that ever existed."

"Why did we never come here before?" Hiccup asked, his voice thick with emotions as well.

"Because it was never the right time before."

Eret sucked in a breath when he felt her hand on his face, wiping a tear off his cheek. When his eyes met hers, there was understanding in them. He didn't know who he was, where he came from. The memories of his childhood, his family, his home or people, they were all lost to him, and no matter how hard he'd tried to retrieve them, he'd never even found the tiniest shred of information. Until now.

"How did you know?"

She just smiled. For a heartbeat, her eyes, blue like ever, seemed to swirl like a maelstrom, knowledge deeper than anything he'd ever known hidden well beneath the surface.

"I'm glad you found your way toward us," she murmured, and she sounded so sincere that Eret thought he could feel her voice caress his heart.

"Same for me," came Hiccup's voice from somewhere above him. When Eret craned his head back, Hiccup leaned over him, his soft lips finding his in an awkward yet somehow comfortable upside-down kiss.

"Thanks," Eret croaked as they parted, and the amount of warmth and love in Hiccup's green eyes nearly knocked the air out of his lungs. "Thanks, guys. I'm glad to be here with you, too."

This was not what he'd expected of tonight. A fun night out, celebrating their love, maybe getting a little drunk, continuing the party in the elaborate bedroom they all shared in the TARDIS. But now… With Astrid cuddled to his one side and Hiccup to the other, and with this Aurvandil's fire above them, he felt more at home than ever before.

"Okay, I admit, this is far better than a restaurant in Paris," Hiccup said with a sigh. Both he and Astrid had one arm splayed across Eret's chest, but now Hiccup was reaching for her hand, squeezing her apologetically. A wise move, in Eret's impartial opinion. "And I'm truly sorry for all the sewage systems I ever made you endure. I'll make sure to do better from now on."

Against his arm, Eret could feel Astrid's lips twitching into a grin. "Okay. But if you mess it up, after all, you can still always go down on me to fix it."

They all burst out laughing.

. o O o .

AN:

I've said this often before already, I always imagine Eret as some kind of Jack Harkness of Berk.
Hiccup "Oh, look, a possibly lethal but so interesting situation-let's jump right in!" Haddock? Yeah, he'd make a great doctor, I think. 😁
And Astrid... She already has the TARDIS in her name, it was inevitable. I think she would be pretty fed up with all of Hiccup's crazy plans.

~ I am but a street artist, offering my art to those around me. If you enjoyed it, a tip in the form of a like or comment would be highly appreciated. 😊