A/N: Hello! So I started this a few weeks ago, deciding I wanted to write something where Tim and Lucy could have all the conversations I'd love to see them have on TV. It somehow got longer and longer so I'm only posting it now. It's set after episode 12, but before the season finale. Also, it's not really proofread so I'm sorry in advance! Hope you enjoy, would love it if you'd review. Thanks!
Lucy tapped her fingers lightly on the desk, wishing they were wrapped around the coffee she hadn't had time to pick up before roll call. She was desperate for the caffeine and Jackson had yet again failed as a friend and roommate this morning by not anticipating that.
"Nolan, Harper," she heard Sergeant Grey's voice give directions and let herself tune out a little at the names that didn't belong to her. Something about assisting Lopez on a something or other. "And that leaves us with Bradford and Chen."
Lucy's head snapped up, suddenly alert. Her name hadn't been paired with Tim's in weeks, not since she'd finished her FTO program.
"You'll be following up a burglary report from…" Grey's instructions continued, but Lucy's mind was elsewhere. She turned her head in Tim's direction. He nodded at her, expression as neutral as ever.
Today would be their first time riding together as partners. Equals. Well, not equals. But less… unequal.
"Yes, sir," she heard Tim say.
"Yes, sir," Lucy followed suit, although she wasn't entirely clear on their orders.
"Be safe out there," Grey finished up as the officers began to disperse.
Tim and Lucy reached the door at the same time and he let her walk through first before joining her.
"Gonna be just like old times, hey, Boot?"
"Yeah, except you can't call me that anymore."
"That takes all the fun out of it." He took a sharp left. "Get the gear," he called without even turning back to her.
Lucy started to protest, but rolled her eyes instead. So that's how it was gonna be. And why had she expected any different? She felt a smile creep across her lips all the same. Today was going to be a good day.
"So," Lucy began, and Tim looked over at her in the passenger seat of the shop. "How'd you get stuck with me today?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Stuck with you?"
"You heard me."
"I'll have you know that I personally requested to ride with you today."
She looked back at him quizzically and he wasn't sure if the surprise on her face amused him or disappointed him. "Don't look so shocked."
She pursed her lips and squinted at him. "Let me guess. They haven't assigned you a rookie yet so you wanted someone who'd follow your orders and carry your gear because she's been doing it so long she knows better than to question it?"
Tim shifted in his seat and tilted his head. "Something like that."
Actually nothing like that. But the fact that that's where her mind went reflected poorly on him, and he kinda hated himself for it.
"Well, I'm not complaining." She looked over at him with that Lucy smile that had grown on him so much this last year. "I've missed this."
"You have not."
"I have!" she defended herself.
"Oh, please. You couldn't wait to be rid of me. I could swear you even told me so yourself."
"Yeah, because that was easier than being sad that we were about to just move on and barely see each other again."
"I see you almost every day."
"It's not the same."
How did she do that? Just speak her mind like that. Make herself vulnerable like that. Express herself like that. Tim couldn't fathom it.
"I know," was the best response he had.
Because the truth was he had requested to ride with her today, and not at all for the reasons she'd suggested. They'd hardly seen each other since she'd become a P2 and he was keen to check in. And, if he was being honest with himself, just keen to spend time with her, to pretend to be annoyed by her endless chatting, to have someone watching his back whom he trusted implicitly. Someone he could count on. Someone who got him.
Say it back. Say you've missed her too.
Nope.
Tim shook his head, answering the voice in his own head. It seemed she hadn't lost her knack for driving him crazy.
"Can I ask you a favour?" She turned her body to face him and the look on her face had him curious. Was she nervous?
"Go for it."
"But you can't lecture me."
"Then no."
"You're not my TO anymore."
"I'm still the senior officer."
"Okay." She turned her body back to face forwards. "Nevermind then."
"Just spit it out, Chen."
She winced. "Can you tell me what our assignment is?"
He spat out a laugh. "Are you kidding me?"
"I zoned out for like a second."
"Let me guess. No coffee this morning?"
"I didn't have time."
"It should be a condition of your employment that you can't start a shift without having had a coffee."
"I would be okay with that."
He looked over at her.
"You really want to lecture me, don't you?"
"For zoning out during roll call, then coming out on an assignment without knowing where you're going or what you're about to face? Absolutely."
"Then have at it."
"You think since you're not a rookie anymore, you can relax a little? That things are easier now?"
"Of course not."
"I've already been driving myself crazy because I know I can't always be right there now if you need me. And you're not exactly instilling me with confidence."
"Hey, I've been doing great."
"You got shot last week."
She scoffed. "In the vest."
"Because you didn't wait for someone to cover you."
"There wasn't-wait, how do you know that?"
Tim stalled. Exhaled.
"You've been checking up on me?"
"No."
"Wow, you really do have that little confidence in me." She sat back in her seat and turned her gaze out the passenger window, away from him.
She was partly right. He had been checking up on her. He'd read her report from that day and watched her body cam footage. He honestly wasn't sure why.
And she had every right to interpret his actions as a result of lack of confidence in her, but that was where she was wrong.
This wasn't how he'd wanted today to go. He hadn't asked to be paired with her today so he could lecture her. Or keep tabs on her. But he was reverting to that, his comfort zone. His favourite way of putting distance between the two of them. How could he fix this?
"Lucy-"
"Please, can you just tell me what we're doing?"
So he did. They were responding to a burglary in a penthouse apartment of a well-known social media presence who he'd never heard of, but Lucy definitely had. The woman had returned home from a yoga retreat to find several valuables stolen, jewelry, electronics. They needed to do a preliminary check of the scene, question the victim and document any stolen items before detectives arrived on scene.
The smile on her face when he pulled up to a drive-through coffee shop on the way told him he was probably forgiven for his earlier comments. He'd never been good at apologies. But she knew him well enough to know that him paying for the coffee was his equivalent.
"Are we good now?" he asked as she took her first sip.
"Mmm," she closed her eyes as she sipped like it was the best thing she'd ever tasted. "So good."
He stifled a chuckle. "Good."
"Sometimes I think my apartment is pretty nice. Then I walk into places like this," Lucy marvelled, her eyes scanning the lobby of the apartment complex as the strode towards the elevator.
"I don't know why someone rich enough to afford a place like this would spend it on a place like this."
"What?" Lucy looked up at him. "This is gorgeous."
Tim tilted his head and shrugged. "It's okay." He leaned forward and hit the upward facing arrow next to the elevator. Moments later, they stepped in and turned to face the doors as they closed. Lucy hit the button to take them to the top floor.
"So if you were rich enough to get a place like this, what kind of place would you get?" Lucy asked, her penchant for asking personal questions as strong as ever.
"I don't know. I-" Tim was cut off as the elevator thumped to a halt. He braced himself with a hand on the wall as the lights flickered off, then on, then off again. Pitch darkness surrounded them.
"You've got to be kidding me," he muttered under his breath, pulling his flashlight from his belt. He pressed the emergency button on the elevator and waited. Nothing. "Bet you're having second thoughts about how nice this place is," he commented in Lucy's direction.
He retrieved his radio from his belt and notified control of their situation, requesting that they notify the building manager to send maintenance. He kept the radio in his hand as he waited for an update on maintenance. "Guess all we can do is wait."
Lucy's lack of response was uncharacteristic of her. She must have been annoyed.
"A place as fancy as this, I'm sure it won't take long."
Still no response.
"Chen?"
"Tim." The word came out as more of a whimper than anything else and Tim turned immediately in her direction, his flashlight illuminating her terrified face. She'd backed up into the corner of the elevator and was leaning against the wall, though her body looked stiff.
"Lucy." He stepped towards her, keeping his flashlight on but pointed away from her face. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
She closed her eyes and shook her head rapidly. She swallowed as tears escaped her closed eyelids. Her expression nearly broke him.
He knew then what was happening. "Okay, hey. You're okay." He kept his voice low, calm, hopefully soothing.
She sucked in a breath through gritted teeth. "I think I'm having a panic attack."
"Yeah, I think so."
"I've never had one before."
"That's okay." He stepped closer again, but not too close. "That's okay. I've had plenty. So I know you're gonna get through this, okay?"
She nodded.
"I'm right here."
She nodded again, eyes still closed.
"I'm gonna come closer, okay? But let me know if you need space." He stepped towards her and placed a hand on her arm, his other hand still holding the flashlight. It had been a while, but back in the day panic attacks were a regular thing for Tim. In those moments, he'd needed the space, needed not to be touched at all. So while everything in him ached to wrap her firmly in his arms, he wanted to give her the option to push him away.
She took another breath as he touched her and he took that as a good sign. He reached for her hand and gently placed her palm on his chest.
"Just breathe with me. In. Out."
She opened her eyes and looked up at him through her tears. He fought for composure. She was the one breaking apart here so he had to hold it together. But the terror in her eyes would haunt him well past today, he knew.
"Listen to me, Lucy. You are okay. You're in an elevator that's stopped and they're going to fix it, okay? You're not in danger. You're not going to run out of oxygen. And you're not alone. It's not like last time."
Last time. The barrel. He'd been with her in cramped spaces since then, and she'd been fine. She'd even come face to face with Rosalind and came out okay. But she was trapped now and he couldn't imagine the kind of memories it must be bringing back.
"I know," she whispered.
"Good." He squeezed her arm lightly. "I'm going to take off your duty belt, alright?"
She nodded and he was relieved she didn't ask for an explanation. He could never imagine Lucy doing something stupid, even in a state of panic, but if she was in an altered state he had to make sure she couldn't hurt herself, or him for that matter.
He reached toward her buckle and undid it gently, holding the belt as it came away from her waist.
"I'm gonna put this on the ground."
Reluctantly, he stepped away from her and her hand dropped from his chest. He retrieved her flashlight before placing the belt on the ground behind him. He then leaned both their flashlights against her belt, angling toward the ceiling. The more light they had in the space, the less it would feel like the barrel.
A voice on the radio interrupted his movements. "Seven adam nineteen, we've been advised maintenance is en route and will provide an update when they arrive."
"Copy," he responded into the radio as Lucy released a sob.
He returned to Lucy, placing both hands on her upper arms. "We've got this, Lucy. You've got this."
She closed her eyes tightly, as if willing the panic attack away, and he sincerely wished it worked like that. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
He released a breathy laugh in response, even though it wasn't funny. The reaction was in disbelief that she felt the need to apologise for something like this. "Nothing to be sorry for."
Tears spilled down her cheeks and the amount of self-control he had to muster to not hold her tightly against him was ridiculous. He ran his thumbs back and forth over her shoulders while his hands remained on her upper arms. This was as close as he could allow himself to be to her, but it wasn't close enough.
If he was being honest with himself, the internal war when it came to Lucy wasn't completely unfamiliar. But he'd been winning so far, maintaining professionalism. She'd been breaking down his carefully crafted walls since the day they met, but over time, he'd started letting her. Resisting had been fruitless anyway.
At some point, he'd become aware she was no longer just a rookie to him, or just a colleague even. And that was okay. Objectively speaking, she was a likeable person. Intelligent. Witty. Compassionate. Beautiful. Objectively speaking. Although that last descriptor was perhaps less okay.
As her TO, he would never have allowed himself to act as anything more than her mentor and, as time went on, her friend.
And now, even though she'd finished her FTO program, he respected her way too much to attempt to be anything other than a friend and co-worker. The damage a relationship with him, or even rumours of a relationship between them, could do to her career was just one reason it wasn't worth the risk.
He was clear on that.
Most of the time.
Right now it was less clear.
Her right hand returned to his chest and he hoped she couldn't feel how his heart rate elevated in that moment. He fought to keep his breath steady, in and out, so she could match hers with his.
They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, maybe longer, and her breathing slowed.
"Better?" he asked, his concern more evident in his voice than he'd meant it to be.
She looked up at him in response and he felt some of his resolve slip. Those eyes.
He felt one of his hands leave her shoulder and his fingers brush some stray hair from her face. His fingers lingered across her jaw longer than they should have before he dropped his hand back to his side.
This was dangerous. And stupid.
Him pushing boundaries was the last thing she needed when she was at her most vulnerable.
"I thought I'd dealt with it," she said softly, voice raw.
"I know. These things have a way of sneaking up on us when we least expect them to."
"Does it ever go away?"
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "But I know it gets easier."
He took a breath and glanced around the elevator, his eyes narrowing in on an escape hatch above them. Climbing out of here would be quicker than waiting. But he didn't know if Lucy would be up for something like that. Any other day he knew she'd jump at the challenge, but right now…
He'd have to lift her up through the hatch and she'd have to climb through alone before helping him up. And then they'd have to climb the emergency ladder to the next floor while maintenance overrode the doors.
But if she panicked in the elevator shaft, it would be so much worse. He couldn't risk it.
"Listen, it looks like we're going to be here a little while. Do you want to sit?"
"Yeah, okay."
She used the wall for support as she slid to the ground and leaned her head back against it, eyes closed, once she was seated. She stretched her legs out in front of her, as if reminding herself that she could. Her breathing had become less shallow, but her hands were still trembling.
He took a seat next to her, leaving a small amount of space between them. "You want a distraction?" he offered.
"Please."
"Okay." He racked his brains for a split-second before landing on a topic. "Did you hear I'm Angela's man of honor?"
She looked over at him, jaw dropped slightly. "No."
"It's true."
"No, it's not."
"It is. I helped her pick a wedding dress, tasted like twenty different cakes. I've taken on her mother-in-law multiple times. Recently I've been trying and failing to plan a bachelorette party."
"Aw, Tim." She nudged him, a trace of a familiar smile on her lips. "That's adorable."
"Thought you'd like that."
"Am I invited?"
"To the bachelorette party? If you help me find a venue. And tell me what actually happens at bachelorette parties."
"Deal."
He felt himself smile. If it weren't for the slight shake in her voice, and the fact that her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, this could be a normal conversation between them. That was progress.
But as the conversation faded, so did her smile. He scrambled for a new topic.
"Mack's in rehab. My buddy from the UC convention." He instantly wished he'd opted for a lighter topic.
"That's great."
"I ran into him at the hospital, working security for Madrigal."
"Oh yeah, I heard about that."
"He agreed to let me take him that night. Last I heard, he's doing well. Over the worst of the withdrawal."
"Tim, that's amazing. You should be so proud of yourself. Are you proud of yourself?"
He shrugged. "He's the one doing the work."
"Yeah, because you equipped him to do it." She looked up at him and he met her gaze. "I'm proud of you."
Her words warmed him instantly. He'd had many proud moments as her TO. He hadn't imagined it would feel so good hearing that from her.
He looked away, but noticed in his peripherals that her eyes were still on him. Moments later, he looked back to find an unreadable expression on her face.
"What?"
Lucy's heart rate was still noticeably faster than it should be, but at least it didn't feel like a battering ram against her rib cage anymore. At least she could breathe.
She knew she'd been staring at Tim a moment too long, analysing him, a little in awe of him, really. But every so often she got to see a new layer of him, and each and every time she was impressed.
"What?" he finally asked, with a kind of sideways, self-conscious smirk.
"You are just… so different from the Tim I met on my first day."
"Good."
"And I'm trying to figure out if it's just because I didn't know you then or if you've changed."
"Both, I think."
"I mean, I'm not saying you were a horrible person then, even if you were a little horrible to me," she grinned up at him as she said the last part. "You were just as selfless and dedicated and loyal back then. But I couldn't imagine that Tim agreeing to be someone's maid of honor."
"Man of honor," he corrected her.
"Right, of course."
He laughed, but his expression faded as he pondered her words. "Back then, I was angry. All that stuff that went down with Isabel really had me questioning everything - my instincts, my values, the job even. Really, I think I was grieving. But of all the emotions that come with grieving, the easiest one for me to cope with was anger. So I was angry. And you copped the brunt of that for a while," he admitted. "You were the antithesis of everything I was feeling."
"That's super poetic."
He chuckled. "It's true. You were all sunshine and smiles. So full of hope. You believed in people. And that was hard for me to swallow."
It made a kind of sense to her now. While she'd tried to convince herself at the time that the way he acted toward her was just how he was, she'd always somehow felt like it was personal.
"I feel like I should apologise for some reason," she said. She'd never meant to deliberately grate on him.
"Don't." He looked up, avoiding eye contact with her. "You were exactly what I needed. I would have gotten over Isabel eventually, found a way to move on. But you helped me heal when I didn't even know that's what I needed."
"In that case," she looked up at him with a slight grin, "you're welcome."
She saw a smile touch his lips, but he was still lost in his thoughts somewhere. Then it hit again. The silence. Every time that happened, she found her awareness of her surroundings would increase. She closed her eyes against it, tried to picture somewhere - anywhere - else. A lake. A meadow. But it didn't work. And each time, the air seemed to grow thinner.
She took a deep breath. In. Out. Slowly and deliberately. She opened her eyes and could see Tim watching her. She hated that this was happening in front of him almost as much as she knew she'd rather it be him over anyone else.
He angled his body towards her, reaching out a hand but stopping short of touching her.
"Tim."
"I know." He exhaled. "Hold on, I'm working on a new topic."
"Hurry up."
"You know small talk is not a skill of mine. You should be impressed with how well I'm doing."
"Tim."
"Okay, uh," he stalled. "How about you think of a topic? Ask me anything."
She opened her eyes, but her mind was too scrambled to process any sort of question.
"Anything you want. Ask me. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity."
A short, sharp laugh escaped her gritted teeth. She wished she had more time to contemplate because she was sure she could come up with something amazing. But there was one question she'd had recently that she hadn't dared to ask. So she went for it. "What happened with you and Rachel?"
He tilted his head as if he wasn't expecting the question. "You haven't talked to her?"
"No, I did. She just said you two grew apart and didn't want to go into detail."
He shrugged. "Yeah, well, that's pretty much it. I was serious about trying to make it work long distance. But over time, things just kind of fizzled out. We spoke less often, texted less. We were supposed to visit each other and we just couldn't get the timing right. Honestly, I really thought I was trying but she got more and more distant. We both agreed it was time to call it and that was that."
"I'm sorry. I know you cared about her."
"Don't be. Really. How's she doing?"
"I'm not sure," Lucy admitted. "Honestly, she's kind of distanced herself from me too. I was wondering if you knew why."
Tim looked down. Then up. Then back at her. "I don't, sorry."
Lucy shrugged away the rejection from Rachel that she had already mentally dealt with. "So I take it you two aren't in contact either?"
He shook his head. "No. I mean, I check in on Isabel from time to time, but in general, I don't believe exes can be friends."
"That's ridiculous. If Nolan and I can be friends without any awkwardness then-"
"Nolan?" He turned to her, confusion painted across his expression. "Why Nolan?"
Lucy felt her stomach flip and her heart stop. What had she done? Her lips parted as she willed an explanation to come to mind, but she'd gone blank.
"Hang on." She could almost see the wheels turning in his mind as he processed. "You and Nolan?"
"N-no." She took a breath. Tried to sound casual. Tried to form words. "No, just-"
"Don't lie to me, Chen."
"Okay, no, see-"
"I can't believe this."
She placed a hand on his arm, trying to get him to stop spiralling and listen to her. "Tim, listen-"
"When? When did this happen? In the academy?"
"Yes." She looked down and mumbled under her breath, "and for a little while after that."
"Nolan?" His brow creased and lips twisted into an expression that seemed to fall just short of disgust.
"Wait, why is this so hard to believe?" She felt her amusement at his reaction begin to show on her face and she removed her hand from his arm and brought her fingers to her lips as she tried to tamp it down.
"Because you can do so much better than Nolan."
"What? Nolan's great."
"He's…" Tim stopped and tilted his head in concession. "Yeah, okay, he's not bad. But still, you have no idea the damage that could have done to your career."
"I did know, actually, and that's why it ended."
Tim went quiet for a moment, seeming to calm slightly. "Did anyone else know?"
"Officer Bishop clued in pretty quickly. And I found out much later that Jackson knew the whole time."
"Bishop knew?"
"Yeah, and was pretty adamant I needed to end things."
"Good. She was right."
"I know, that's why I did it." Lucy felt herself becoming defensive and a little frustrated. She got why it was a big deal, but it was so far in the past. She barely thought about it now. It felt like he was taking it personally for some reason, and she wasn't sure why. But she also felt an unexpected urge to emphasise to him just how over it was, and how she didn't see John as anything other than a good friend now. And she wasn't sure why that was either.
He released a huff and she looked up at him to see him roll his eyes. "You've been going on and on about your personal life, despite my protests, for as long as I've known you. But you left this out."
"I would have to have been an idiot to tell you at the time. And honestly, I don't even think about it anymore. It hasn't occurred to me."
He seemed to accept that, and she debated internally whether she should continue. But for the sake of her career, and his trust in her, she had to tell him the rest.
"Tim, there's something else."
"Who else did you date? Smitty?"
"On and off," she grinned up at him and he rolled his eyes, not as amused by her joke as she was. "Okay, no, but this is serious." She wiped the grin from her expression.
"Okay," he nodded at her to continue.
She grappled with an explanation, tried to formulate a way to not make it sound as bad as it was. He would look at her differently. That's what was scaring her the most, when she knew she should be afraid for her career.
"Okay, so it's actually serious," he said in response to her hesitation, eyes scanning her face.
She allowed herself to meet his gaze for a moment before looking away, unnerved by the concern and curiosity. "I…" she spoke slowly, mapping out her words as she spoke them, "...lied to internal affairs to keep my relationship with John a secret."
"Okay," he responded, expression blank, which amused her for some reason.
She pointed an accusing finger at him. "I can see you trying to mask your disappointment."
He threw his hands up defensively. "I'm not."
"You are."
"Lucy-"
"And it's okay. You're allowed to be disappointed. You should be." The seriousness of what she'd done hit her again. "When he was investigated for shooting and killing the suspect he was chasing..."
"I remember."
"...we had just broken up. They asked me if I knew of any events recently occurring in his personal life and I said no."
"Okay."
"Stop saying 'okay'."
"Okay. Sorry."
Lucy took a breath, cringing at her words before they even left her mouth. "The night he was attacked by the suspect's brother, I was with him."
Tim nodded slowly. "So you hadn't broken up?"
"We had." She felt physically ill talking about this with Tim. "It was a… momentary lapse."
"Right."
"I was just coming out of the shower when-"
He held a hand up, cutting her off. "Yeah, I don't-I don't need details."
"Right, sorry."
Why? Why would she tell him that?
"Anyway, I left before the LAPD showed up. And when the guy said he'd heard a second person in the house at the time, I made Nolan lie about it."
"That was stupid."
"I know. Nolan wanted to tell the truth, but-"
"Not the lying part. The fact that there was anything to lie about at all."
"I know," she groaned. "I know. I absolutely know. But the bottom line is, nobody can know that John and I ever dated."
He waved a hand at her as if to tell her to calm down. "I'm not gonna tell anyone, Chen."
It usually didn't bother her when he called her Chen. He still called Angela by her last name and they'd been friends for years. But sometimes it felt deliberate, like there was meaning behind it. The few times he'd called her Lucy since she'd known him had always left her feeling something… well, something she wasn't about to name. Each time it had felt like a breakthrough. Most of the time, when he called her by her last name, it was out of habit - that was her name, after all - but this was one of those times that had meaning behind it. Where he was distancing himself. She could not have resented herself more in that moment for giving him a reason to.
"Was it serious?" he eventually asked, voice slicing through her self-loathing.
She looked up at him, taken aback by the question. "No," she answered honestly. "Well, yes. I mean, at the time, yeah, it felt like it was. We share the same values and a lot of the same passions, we could relate about the job. Plus he was mature and respectful and-"
"I think I get the idea."
"My point is, we mistakenly thought our compatibility meant we would make a good couple, when we were actually only ever meant to be really good friends."
He was staring at her, expression unreadable. She wished she knew what was going through his mind.
"I know you're disappointed in me."
He nodded, still staring. "I am, yeah."
She broke eye contact then, unable to withstand it any longer. She hated that she'd let him down. She shook her head, unwilling to let him see the emotion that threatened to spill over.
"Chen, you are a brilliant cop."
"What?" She looked up at him, thoroughly surprised and confused.
"You don't know how good you are. I probably shouldda told you more often." His voice was firm, filled with conviction, as he continued to speak. "But you were born for this. Born to be a cop and born to be brilliant at it." He swallowed. "You need to understand how good you are, so you'll stop taking risks with your career. Do not jeopardize everything you've worked for and everything you have ahead of you for anything, especially for some guy. LA needs cops like you."
There was nothing Lucy could do to stop the smile growing on her lips. The fact that he was telling her this moments after she'd had a full on meltdown in an elevator was the most shocking part. She wanted to thank him, but the words felt shallow, like they weren't enough to express to him just how grateful she was.
She leaned her head back against the wall, allowing herself to revel in his compliments a moment longer.
"But just so you know, I'm definitely going to have to include this information in my report."
Relieved by the break in the moment, she shoved him with her arm. "You and I know way too much about each other to start spilling secrets now."
"Enough blackmail material to last a lifetime."
"Remind me not to get on your bad side."
"I don't think that's possible," he said, and she was pretty sure those words had left his mouth before he'd been able to stop them.
So many of the moments in which she'd seen the real Tim throughout their time together were accidents on his part. Words said without thought. Actions that meant more than he realized. Things he'd learned about her without meaning to.
She wanted to respond to his comment, to say she felt the same, or make a joke, or embarrass him, but the more the words sunk in, the less she wanted the moment to pass.
The silence between them wasn't as overwhelming as before.
Briefly, she considered making use of that escape hatch at the top of the elevator. She was sure it must have occurred to him earlier, and she was so grateful he hadn't suggested it. She still wasn't keen on the idea, if she was being honest with herself, but she felt bad keeping him trapped in here unnecessarily.
Her mind flickered back to the moment she was sure they'd shared just a few minutes earlier. The moment he was standing so close she could feel his breath on her face. The moment he ran his fingers lightly across her forehead and down to her jaw. It was so quick she could almost convince herself it hadn't happened.
Next to her, Tim suddenly jumped up from the floor. He stood and took a few steps to the opposite end of the elevator, then turned back to her.
"Getting restless?" she asked.
"Looking forward to some fresh air."
She stood too, legs still a little weak, hands still shaking slightly, but she could breathe. She kept reminding herself of that. She could breathe.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
She nodded. "Better."
Tim paced the elevator a couple of times, almost like a caged tiger.
"Tim?"
"Yeah?" He looked over at her, still tucked into her corner, though standing now.
"Can you chill out a second?"
"Why's it taking so long? How long does it take to fix an elevator?"
"I have no idea."
He continued pacing, every now and then glancing up at the hatch.
"Tim, can you stop with the pacing?" She stepped in front of him, blocking his path. She lifted her hands as he bumped into her, her palms landing on his chest.
"Sorry." He halted, now standing much closer to her than she'd meant for him too. And normally she'd take a step back. A few steps. And let the moment fall away like every other little moment between them did.
But this time she couldn't. He was breathing heavily. As if the pacing had worn him out but she knew that it couldn't have.
He didn't step back either, she noticed.
"I just want to get you out of here," he said softly.
"You don't have to this time."
He nodded, and she felt touched that he was so concerned about getting her out. It hadn't occurred to her earlier that a situation like this could trigger some bad memories for him too. She'd never really asked him what he went through that day he pulled her out of the barrel.
But this time was different, just like he'd said before. Maintenance was going to get them out of here. It wasn't on Tim.
She let her hands drop to her side. "Look, there's only room in this elevator for one of us to freak out, okay? And today, that's gonna be me."
He laughed. "Does that mean it's my turn next time?"
"Oh no," she shook her head. "We are taking the stairs from now on."
They stood like that a moment longer, both aware that they probably shouldn't be. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or disappointed when he took three steps backward and leaned back against the wall of the elevator.
"So," he crossed his arms. "Do I get to ask you a question?"
Lucy also stepped back and leaned against the wall opposite him. "I don't know about that. I feel like I kinda wasted mine."
"Yeah, you really did. You could've asked about my childhood traumas, my time in the military, my drug addict ex-wife, or the panic attacks I only just told you about for the first time. And instead you asked me about Rachel," he teased smugly.
"Hey, I didn't have a lot of time to think," she defended herself.
"Too bad. I said it was a once in a lifetime chance."
"Yeah, and that's our problem," she threw an accusing hand in his direction. "You know there's not a question you could ask me that I won't answer. I've probably blabbed most of my secrets to you in the shop at some point anyway. I'm an open book and you…"
"...would like to start doing better at that," he finished, the answer taking her by surprise. "Especially with you."
Whatever she'd been about to say escaped her after that confession.
"So can I ask you a question?" he repeated.
"I take it you've got one in mind?"
"I do."
"Then go for it."
He paused a moment, as if figuring out exactly how to phrase it. "You remember Officer Barnes?"
"Of course." She inwardly cringed at her reaction to Tim's treatment of Barnes that day. "Looks like you wasted your one question too."
"That wasn't the question."
She smirked and gestured at him to proceed.
"You asked me why I was treating her so much nicer than I treated you."
"Yeah. Not my finest moment."
"The reasons you suggested as to why I was treating her differently were that she was - to use your words - fit and beautiful and smart."
She truly wished she could sink into the floor. "Are you sure those were my words?"
"Positive." He seemed to be enjoying her embarrassment and she despised him for it.
"Okay. So what's your question?"
"Do you really think that I would base my method of training on someone's appearance?"
Her mouth fell open slightly. She'd obviously felt like an idiot immediately after that conversation ended, but she'd never considered that she may have offended him. "Tim, no. Of course not. Of course not." She didn't know how else to emphasize it. "I was just mad that you were being so nice to her when you were so hard on me."
"Because she was beautiful?"
"I honestly don't know why I said that."
"Don't you think if that were something I considered I would have gone a lot easier on you than I did?"
"N-" she halted as his words sunk in. She paused, tilted her head.
He realized immediately what he'd just said. He opened his mouth to retract it.
"No." She held up a finger to silence him.
"Chen-"
"Uh-uh. You can't take it back."
He rolled his eyes. "Lucy-"
"Say it again," she grinned, enjoying both the revelation that he thought she was beautiful and the discomfort it caused him to say it.
"You're missing my point."
"I like this point."
He shot her what she thought was supposed to be a glare, but she could tell he wasn't really mad at her. "You know you're enjoying this way too much?"
"It's not every day a girl gets to hear Tim Bradford say she's beautiful." She shrugged and smiled sweetly.
"Can we focus here?"
Letting him off the hook, Lucy forced her mind back onto his original question. "Fine." She let the teasing fade from her voice and her expression. "Tim, listen to me. I do not doubt your integrity as a training officer. I never have, despite what I said that day. My reaction was a reflection of my own insecurities, not of you."
"What were you insecure about?"
Good question. She was still trying to figure that out. "I don't know," she answered honestly. "I think I just wasn't prepared to see you with a new rookie."
He smiled a little. "Kinda sounds like you were jealous."
She crossed her arms. "Kinda sounded like you were jealous when I told you about Nolan."
They stared each other down for several moments, both knowing that neither of them would dare take this conversation any further.
He opened his mouth to respond as the elevator lights suddenly flickered on.
"Seven Adam nineteen, be advised maintenance is on site and estimates a quick resolution."
As Tim's radio went silent, the elevator started moving downward.
"No kidding," Tim commented. He bent down to pick up their flashlights and her duty belt, which he handed to her. "You good?"
"Yeah." She'd just finished strapping on her belt when the doors opened.
They were met with a flurry of apologies from the hotel manager, a brief explanation of the malfunction from one of the maintenance guys, and the directions to the stairwell, because there was no way either of them were getting in that elevator again.
Tim opened the door to the stairwell and waited for her to walk through before joining her. "We're headed to the top floor. You sure you're up for this?"
Lucy began ascending the steps. "No problem. Let me know if you need a break," she teased, turning to him as she reached the first landing.
He shot her a pointed look as he passed her, but turned back before he began the second flight. "Chen?"
"Yeah?" She looked up at him, curious.
"I said some things back there that…" He stopped. "I mean, I just don't want you to think…"
She wanted to help him out, to try to guess what he was going to say, or tell him not to worry about. But she also really wanted to know what it was he was trying to say. When he didn't make another attempt, she took pity on him. "Don't worry, Tim. What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator."
He laughed, even as he rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"The panic attack was not something I'd like to repeat," she started, frankly feeling a little sick just at the memory of it, "but I'm glad we got to talk. I've missed you."
"I've missed you too."
And that was about the most candid thing they'd ever said to each other. Which was progress.
"Now quit slacking off," he said with a grin, before turning and continuing up the stairs.
Lucy knew she'd spend hours tonight analysing the conversations they'd just had, the new ground they seemed to have reached.
It felt like the start of a new stage in their… whatever it was they had. And she couldn't wait to see where it went.