INTERLUDE:
Wiz: Black. The color of the night. The color of darkness itself. Darkness represents evil, which can strike fear into the hearts of any who face it.
Boomstick: And when it comes to fear, these guys are living nightmares against anyone they face!
Wiz: Darth Vader, the Galactic Empire's Dark Lord of the Sith.
Boomstick: And Batman, Gotham City's Dark Knight. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
FIGHTER 1: DARTH VADER:
Wiz: Darth Vader. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, this mass murderer was one of the most dangerous and respected killers among the stars.
Boomstick: Nobody stood a chance - he was a "Force" to be reckoned with... Haha!
Wiz: But before he was a Dark Lord of the Sith, he was Anakin Skywalker, an innocent child sold to slavery on the harsh desert planet of Tatooine.
Boomstick: Anakin was a prodigy mechanic, a prodigy Pod racer, and a prodigy Jedi! So I'd say the junk dealer who bought him got a pretty sweet deal. Y'know, apart from the whole... "ownership of people" thing...then Liam Neeson showed up and measured his power level to find out that this kid was the Chosen One, destined to do something great that would bring balance to the all-powerful Force. Whatever the f**k that means!
Wiz: Freed from slavery and trained under Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin grew into an extremely powerful Jedi, capable of lifting starships and crushing buildings with just his mind. He quickly rose through the Jedi ranks to the very top, and led the legendary 501st Legion in the galaxy-wide Clone Wars.
Boomstick: He also grew into a really arrogant and whiny douche!
Anakin: It's all Obi-Wan's fault. He's holding me back!
Wiz: Naturally curious to an extreme, the vast potential of the force was intoxicating to Anakin. Unable to accept loss and pain, Anakin sought new powers to "fix" his problems. After a premonition of his pregnant wife's death, he decided he had no choice but to turn to the Dark Side of the Force for answers.
Emperor Palpatine: Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth... Vader.
Boomstick: Despite being trained in the Jedi's pacifism, Anakin learned that he was really freaking good at killing people, and murdered nearly the entire Jedi Order. His punishment? A tearful break-up with his old master, and a leisurely dip in a pool of lava.
Wiz: After some... pretty intense reconstructive surgery, he was rebuilt as the black-cloaked lord of the Sith, Darth Vader.
(Shows Vader being lowered off the operating table)
Boomstick: If there was anything you hated about Anakin before, don't worry! Vader is nothing like that whiny little prequel bitch! He's a badass through and through, with one of the coolest voices of all time.
Darth Vader: The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
Wiz: Vader's body was sustained by his dark armor, a mobile life support system designed to protect what was left of him and intimidate foes.
Boomstick: The suit enhanced his vision, hearing, and physique. With his robot limbs, he can leap dozens of feet and lift several hundred pounds, all without having to use the Force. The armor is even dense enough to deflect lightsaber blows.
Wiz: Unfortunately for Vader, his new body had several problems. The armor was cumbersome and weighed him down, much of it was mismatched, snagging and pulling on his body, his incessant raspy breathing often kept him awake, his synthetic skin itched constantly, and the control panel on his chest would sometimes beep for no reason at all.
Boomstick: You're saying in this technological marvel of an age, we can't fix one person who's fallen into lava?
Darth Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Wiz: It's very likely Vader's Sith master, knowing his new student could become more powerful than himself, included these faults on purpose. While it caused problems for Vader at first, he quickly grew accustomed to his suit's limitations and modified his fighting style to complement his new stance and strength. And while his life support systems are vulnerable to electric overload, should the worst happen, he can use the Force to sustain himself for several hours.
Boomstick: Vader wields a dual-phase lightsaber. Unlike normal lightsabers, which are already cool as shit, Vader can manually adjust his to double its length, but if it lasts for more than four hours, he needs to consult a doctor.
Darth Vader: All too easy.
Wiz: With his unmatched connection to the force, and training in both Jedi and Sith arts, he's learned a variety of techniques. He can deflect energy blasts with nothing but his hands, anticipate his opponent's next moves, and increase his speed and strength. And though his mechanical limbs cannot channel Force Lightning like his master, he can condense and launch a ball of electricity called Kinetite.
Boomstick: And he can always use telekinesis to lift people up and choke the ever living hell out of them, a power that would come in handy if you ever had to deal with an annoying co-host.
Darth Vader: You don't know the power of the Dark Side.
Wiz: Using the Dark Side of The Force, Vader embraces his passion and rage in battle, complementing his extremely offensive fighting style, the angrier he gets, the deadlier he becomes.
Boomstick: He's defeated tons of Jedi masters, including Obi-Wan himself, he matched his secret apprentice Galen Marek in force combat, who is powerful enough to move Star Destroyers, and killed a doppelganger of Darth Maul by impaling himself. Damn, that's dedication.
Wiz: And finally, after discovering his long lost son, Vader had a change of heart. He rescued his son by sacrificing himself to destroy the Sith once and for all... or at least until the next movie comes out.
Boomstick: Darth Vader is impressive, most impressive.
Darth Vader: There is no escape. don't make me destroy you.
FIGHTER 2: BATMAN:
Wiz: Throughout the underworld of Gotham City, one name strikes fear into the hearts of even the most hardened of criminals.
Boomstick: The Goddamn Batman! You know who he is, the billionaire Bruce Wayne, and it ain't his first battle to the death.
Wiz: Pretty much, though don't mistake his intentions. Vengeance may sound dramatic and all, but in truth, Batman fights crime in an attempt to save others from suffering the same kind of tragedy he experienced as a child.
Boomstick: How noble, and ironic, considering he was taught to be a badass by a group called "The League of Assassins".
Wiz: Well, he dresses like a bat, sleeps with a cat burglar and constantly brings children into battle, so he's clearly got a few complicated issues.
Boomstick: But let's see what he can really do. Bats is really, REALLY smart, and considered one of the best tacticians on Earth. No wonder he's always welcome at the Justice League, even though he doesn't have any superpowers at all.
Green Lantern: Wait, you're not just some guy in a bat costume, are ya?
(Batman turns around and smiles at him)
Wiz: Sure, he's intelligent, but he's also incredibly deadly.
Boomstick: He WAS trained to be a ninja, who's a master of infiltration and silent takedowns, so sounds about right.
Wiz: Bruce has studied every martial art known to man. After perfecting full-body control at the age of 18, he was able to quickly learn and master at least one-hundred twenty-seven of them, including Taekwondo, Muay Thai, Judo and Boxing.
Boomstick: It's not every day you can find someone who can literally take you down in 127 different ways.
Wiz: He is also touted as "The World's Greatest Detective", and with good reason.
Boomstick: He's like Sherlock Holmes on steroids. He once figured out that an opponent didn't have a tongue just by the way their jaw bounced off his knuckles. There's being a detective, and then there's being Batman.
Wiz: And all that's before his handy-dandy Utility Belt, filled to the brim with all sorts of useful gadgets and gizmos.
Boomstick: A lot of which are thanks to his family business, Wayne Enterprises. From steel mills, to airlines, to record labels, this company does it all, and that means Batman has it all, too.
Wiz: According to Forbes, Wayne's net worth, thanks to his company, adds up to 9.2 billion US Dollars.
Boomstick: With that much cash, he can afford any kinda weapon he wants, grappling hooks, smoke pellets, cryo and thermite grenades, and of course, the batarangs.
Wiz: Originally designed as a boomerang weapon, Wayne eventually molded his batarangs into custom shurikens, some of which are outfitted with electric shocks, flash bulbs, and explosives.
Boomstick: And last but not least, don't forget his batsuit, it can resist fire, electricity, and bladed attacks, and is almost totally bulletproof, thanks to a Kevlar vest sewn into it.
Wiz: Plus, his cowl sports night, infrared, and UV vision.
Boomstick: But Bats is more than just a tech wizard, this guy bench presses a thousand pounds in his everyday workout, a thousand pounds! And I thought this guy didn't have any superpowers.
Wiz: He doesn't, the current bench press world record is actually slightly higher, at 1,075 pounds, solidly placing Wayne at peak human levels. This idea generally applies to him in pretty much every area, physically and mentally, he's strong enough to break through walls, rip apart car parts, and pull out prison bars. He's quick enough to avoid gunfire, and even Darkseid's nearly unavoidable Omega Beams. In his strongest suits, he's even tough enough to take a hit from Superman.
Boomstick: Yeah, if Brucie ever enters the Olympics, everyone else might as well rage quit, same difference, really.
Wiz: That's not to say he's invincible.
Boomstick: True, whenever the Justice League gets in a fight with some big bads, he usually has to keep his distance.
Wiz: He's also somewhat mentally unstable, and prone to lashing out, however, he knows this, it's one of the main reasons why he refuses to carry firearms.
Boomstick: That's a bummer, those are my favorite types of arms! Maybe they'll help him next time Bane tries to break his back.
Wiz: But of all his traits, Bruce Wayne's strongest attribute is his sheer, unstoppable tenacity. Even after being drugged by The Joker after days without sleep, put in a straightjacket, locked in a coffin, and buried alive six feet underground, he refused to die.
Boomstick: It takes a lot, a lot, to take down the Batman.
Carmine Falcone: What the hell are you?
[Batman grabs him by the collar]
Batman: I'm Batman.
BATTLE:
W: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the data through all possibilities! Let's end this debate once and for all!
B: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLEEEEEEE!
…
(Imperial Night - Brandon Yates)
Several stormtroopers investigate an abandoned city at night. However, an unseen force takes them out one by one. One is yanked up, another falls, and something hits a third with enough force to knock them out.
Finally, a black figure stops in an alleyway as iconic breathing is heard. An empty stormtrooper helmet rolls to Vader's feet, and he senses something drop down behind him.
Darth Vader: Most impressive.
He turns around and ignites his lightsaber.
Darth Vader: But you are nothing before the power of the Force.
DB Announcer: FIGHT!
Vader throws his lightsaber, which Batman easily dodges. He throws several Batarangs, but Vader catches them with the Force and throws them back, with Batman blocking them. Vader recalls his lightsaber with the Force, and Batman dodges once more by using his grapple gun to get to a higher elevation point, then swings at Vader, delivering a strong kick to knock him into a building. There, Batman destroys all the lights. The only thing that can be seen is the red glow of hatred from the Sith's weapon.
Darth Vader: I see. Fear is your weapon. But fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate…
He senses Batman's location and uses the Force to slam him to the ground. Batman lets out a quick grunt of pain once he is slammed into the ground.
Darth Vader: Leads to suffering.
He throws several debris at Batman with the Force, but he manages to break and dodge them. Having deduced that Vader's weak point is the control panel on his suit, Batman throws an electric Batarang at the control panel at his chest, damaging it. He then rushes at Vader after throwing down a smoke bomb, managing to snag his lightsaber. He goes for another weak spot, but the armor only deflects the lightsaber blow. Seeing that the weapon might be useless against this opponent, Batman destroys the lightsaber.
Darth Vader: Do not think me defenseless.
He begins to Force Choke Batman, but the Dark Knight only activates a sonic transmitter that stuns Vader, also summoning a swarm of bats to attack him. Angered, Vader only snaps their necks with the Force, then Force Pushes Batman out into the streets. With his foe stunned, Vader begins to recall his shattered lightsaber and tries to use the Force to rebuild it, but Batman uses his Grapple Gun to snag Vader's outstretched hand and yank him onto the road.
Darth Vader: So be it.
Vader then uses the Force to pick up his nearby TIE Advanced and throws it at Batman, but he only remotely activates the Batwing and has it destroy the starfighter, then calls in the Batmobile. Vader, thinking Batman plans to run him over, only uses a Force-assisted jump to leap over the vehicle.
Darth Vader: All too easy.
Batman leaps into the Batmobile as Vader reassembles his lightsaber. He then notices the weapons of both the Batmobile and Batwing locked on him.
Darth Vader: What is the meaning of this?
Batman has both vehicles open fire on Vader, the immense firepower kicking up a cloud of smoke. Vader lets out his Soul Calibur defeat yell as he is bombarded, since he can't catch the ammo with the Force since he is using it to sustain his breathing after Batman damaged his suit's control panel.
The battle seems won, but suddenly, the Batwing is sent crashing down onto the Batmobile, both becoming crushed. Gritting his teeth with a grunt, Batman ejects from the Batmobile as both vehicles are destroyed, but is suddenly impaled through the chest by Vader's lightsaber, with not even the bat symbol's Kevlar enough to stop it.
Batman's neck is snapped before he drops to the ground as Vader, unscathed by the immense firepower, recalls his lightsaber before deactivating it.
Darth Vader: You are a fool. You did not know the power of the dark side.
RESULTS:
DB Announcer: KO!
Boomstick: Okay, seriously, whose idea was this?! This was a complete STOMP!
Wiz: As impressive as Batman's arsenal and armor was, it was still not enough to match the Force, let alone Vader's sheer power and lightsaber. However, given enough prep time, Batman may have gained an opportunity to deal the final blow.
Boomstick: But more times than not, time or no time, Vader would most certainly always have the high ground. Sure, Bats may have been quick to deduce Vader's weakness, but exploiting it was far easier said than done!
Wiz: Thanks to his Force abilities, Vader had a greater control over the battle and the area than Batman ever did. He could even sense Batman's location, so sneaking up on him was utterly useless.
Boomstick: Too bad. For the third time in a row, Batman couldn't E-Vader his inevitable loss.
Wiz: The winner is Darth Vader.