Author's Note: This work was originally published in Shot through the Heart: An FGO Archers Zine, a free fanzine put together by the lovely Jess and full of talented contributions. Do check it out.
Ritsuka hated new moons.
The sky was always darkest on those nights, the constellations burning like cold fire. Artemis would sit alone in the old observatory, looking up at three bright stars through bitter tears. And Ritsuka would stand awkwardly in the shadows of the doorway and grit her teeth.
"Orion, my darling… please forgive me." The goddess wrung her hands in her dress. The jagged line that trimmed the bodice, red as fresh blood, ran in splatters down the sunset fabric. "I had no choice. Gods do not love as humans do."
Ritsuka's hands rhythmically opened and closed into fists as the weeping continued, silver in the silence. Every month, Artemis' madness drained away with the dwindling moonlight until she could no longer pretend the bear plush in her lap was Orion. Until the moon rose again, she no longer threw the bear at the women of Chaldea or mimed its voice with cunning ventriloquism.
"It's fine, Senpai," Mash quietly told Ritsuka after the first time the irate goddess pulled the bear, riddled with arrows, from the Shielder's chest and stalked away. "If this is what Artemis needs to cope, then I don't mind."
An example followed by most of Chaldea with Da Vinci's encouragement. For what was a harmless delusion, when they scraped through each Singularity by the skin of their teeth?
"I wanted to stay with you, with all my heart. But our promise… I'm sorry, I'm sorry…!"
It had never sat right with Ritsuka, however much they needed the moon goddess' strength. Because it wasn't harmless. How could it be, when she cried like this?
The observatory grew silent. Worried, Ritsuka tentatively poked her head in. Artemis had shifted so her back was to the door, shoulders drawn in tight. Hair dark as night fell in disarray to shroud the lithe frame of a huntress.
"My patron did not wear the same countenance in our time," said Atalanta as she and Ritsuka stood together in the training room, watching the goddess coo to her plush after a perfect shot. "She adopted those… curves… after he declared that was what he loved best in women."
The archer's furred ears flicked.
"She moved heaven and earth to please him, yet he never ceased his pursuit of others. I cannot condone what followed, and yet…"
Ritsuka shifted awkwardly on her heels. She didn't want to think of Artemis taking savage vengeance on anyone. Not the bright-eyed goddess who floated cheerfully by her side and protected her with shining arrows.
But, she had killed Orion. All the smiles in the world couldn't change that.
"It's not really so surprising, is it?" David refilled his wine cup. "Gods aren't bound by human morals, and they can get frighteningly possessive. Think of that whole business with Ishtar and Gilgamesh."
A deep sigh escaped Ritsuka's mouth. Possessive was the word, wasn't it? For even when Artemis' guilt had pushed her to imagine Orion still with her, she embodied him as a hapless plush. A safe form, one she could control.
Because gods cannot love as humans do, and she won't let him go. Even now.
Ritsuka couldn't stand it.
It's hurting her. And it's going to keep hurting her.
Her fists clenched.
I'm a sorry excuse for a magus and a Master both, but I owe her a duty. Even if it's the height of arrogance, even if I'm probably just going to make things worse… I have to try.
Otherwise, her Servants really were just weapons as EMIYA always claimed, rather than the friends Ritsuka claimed to treasure.
Steeling her jaw, Ritsuka walked into the room. Her resolve didn't stop her heart from pounding in her ears as she approached the silent goddess. She stole a glance at the command seals on the back of her hand. Even if she didn't really believe that Artemis would hurt her… well, the contract was reassuring all the same.
Her footsteps echoed loudly in the silence, but the goddess did not turn around. It was only when Ritsuka awkwardly stopped just out of hand's reach that Artemis finally looked at her. Tears glistened in her dark eyes and streaked her face.
"Ah, Artemis. I need, uh…" Ritsuka's mental script crumpled at the sight. "… I'm sorry. I think I have some tissues in my pocket…"
"Thank you, Master, but there is no need," said Artemis, turning her watery gaze back to the sky. "I'll never be ashamed of shedding tears for my darling."
Ritsuka fidgeted. She's willing to talk about him. That's good, I guess.
That didn't make taking a seat next to her any less awkward. The goddess was beautiful under starlight, even in this unfamiliar guise, but the misery weighing her shoulders broke Ritsuka's heart.
"He must have been a great man," she tried after a moment. "Orion, I mean."
"The very best," sniffled Artemis, the ghost of a smile on her face.
Shaky as that smile was, seeing it was such a relief that Ritsuka's lips quirked up in turn. Before she realized it, she was already opening her mouth to ask Artemis to tell her more about Orion. They could sit together and share stories until perhaps the goddess' tears dried, and the stars wouldn't be so painful.
No. That might make her feel better, but it's just papering things over until the next new moon. Ritsuka's nails dug into her palms. I shouldn't help Artemis retreat back into fantasy instead of confronting things.
A slow exhale of breath as she tried to steady her nerves.
Okay, how can I possibly broach this… 'Can I ask you something a bit painful?'… no, no, too tentative! You have to be firm, Ritsuka!
Her hands tightened, pressing her nails further in, to the point of pain.
'Hey Artemis, I know you feel guilty and all but you really need to get a grip' … oh god, I'd deserve to be shot full of holes… okay, okay, don't panic. Maybe talk to her for a bit, find a way to ease into it—
"The night wears on, Master. I'm happy you came to see me, but—"
"I know it hurts!" Ritsuka blurted, then flinched as Artemis stared at her.
Masterfully done, Ritsuka. Totally natural.
Biting back a groan, she forced herself to meet the goddess' gaze.
"It hurts, thinking back on our mistakes," she said slowly, trying to pick her words with care. "There's bits of my past I'm really not proud of, and… well, there's people here in Chaldea that have done some terrible things. Even…" Her throat felt impossibly thick. "Even murder."
"Murder," repeated Artemis in a flat voice, her expression as unreadable as an overcast moon.
"Y-Yeah… Hercules, Brynhildr, and Arjuna and… and so on." Ritsuka scratched her cheek. "But even if we can't change the past, we can work towards the future. We're all here together now, working to save humanity. That must count for something, right?"
Her tentative smile faltered and died under the goddess' silent gaze.
"You believe I murdered my darling." The other's tone was clipped and machine-like.
A shiver ran down Ritsuka's spine.
No… I can't retreat. I need to help her face this, or nothing will change.
And if she ran now, she might never drum up enough courage again. That didn't stop sweat from trickling down the nape of Ritsuka's neck as she locked eyes with the other, amber on ice blue.
"Artemis, you're the Goddess of the Hunt, the queen of archers…" Ritsuka took a deep breath. "You must have known what you were aiming at when you drew your bow that day."
Artemis' eyes hardened until they were steel. Terror lanced through Ritsuka, paralyzing her like a hare before the hound.
"Yes," said the goddess at last. "I knew it wasn't Candeon swimming in that sea, whatever my brother claimed. I nocked my arrow in full knowledge."
The silence drew between them like razor wire. Then Artemis' brow softened as she looked back up at the shining tri-stars, and Ritsuka could breathe again.
"That was the last gift I could give my beloved," said the goddess quietly. "D-dying by my hand… he promised to do the same for me, you know… how could I deny him?"
Ritsuka blinked a few times as she digested this. "Then the girls…"
"Is that what Chaldea thinks?" Artemis looked faintly amused as she resettled herself. "I suppose the bear… well. I won't say it didn't bother me when Darling chased other women." She puffed out her cheeks. "Always melting them with pelts and flowers, when he already had me! For eternity!"
"Aha. Well, when you phrase it that way…"
Artemis looked wistful. "But he always came back to me, no matter how many times I let him have it. And even if he had left me… gods do not love as humans do." Long fingers traced her lips. "I will always have the smile he taught me."
"Then why?" said Ritsuka before she could stop herself. "If you were so happy together, why would you…"
The gentle smile on Artemis' face made Ritsuka look away, her stomach twisting in on herself. Somehow the silence that followed was the worst one yet.
It's not fair. Rama and Sita… Kama… they try so hard. So why do things always turn out like this?
"My brother Apollo was a proud god," said Artemis at last, her voice drifting over Ritsuka's hunched shoulders. "That pride would not tolerate his sister loving a mortal. Not even a demi-god."
Ritsuka sucked in a breath. She remembered this from Chiron's retelling.
"And above all else, my darling Orion wished to remain human."
That made Ritsuka blink. "Wait. But I thought heroes… I mean, isn't it a reward to ascend to godhood?"
"'That would be boring,'" said Artemis fondly. "That's what he told me when I asked whether he wanted to be eternal. At first I was angry—wasn't I enough for him? But then I understood. He said that because he loved me."
"I don't understand," said Ritsuka, finally raising her head to look at her Servant.
The goddess' smile was strained, but she held it.
"Humans love differently than we do," she said. "Not as bright a flame, but so much warmer. Orion didn't want his feelings for me to change." Artemis looked almost shy as she tucked back a loose strand of hair. "The way his heart caught on my smile, he said."
"Artemis…"
"Because of me, that humanity was in danger." The goddess' jaw tightened. "One day Apollo would force the issue, or… Orion was kind, far too kind. He worried that I would be lonely when he passed on."
"Hooold on," said Ritsuka, raising a hand. "He said that, then went off running after girls?"
"That's just the kind of man my darling was," smiled Artemis. "Free and full of joy. That was how he lived despite his great power. I loved that about him, even if it annoyed me too."
She closed her eyes and sighed.
"And he loved me. Enough that he considered embracing immortality after all, entirely for my sake. Just as he promised to shoot me down, should I ever lose myself. I could see it in his eyes."
Ritsuka clutched at her forearms, her mind racing. "So when you shot him…"
"I killed him so that he would stay Orion. The mortal he wished to be." Artemis' shoulders trembled. "The man I loved, and who loved me."
"I see…" murmured Ritsuka, "I'm sorry."
Meaningless words, empty words. How many times had Ritsuka offered them in the wake of tragedy, well-meaning condolences that did nothing to lift the dark? And here she was again, sitting by helplessly while fresh tears rolled down Artemis' face.
Unless…
"Hey," she said gently, leaning forward to catch the goddess' attention. "I know it's a long shot, but heroic spirits can manifest in different incarnations. Maybe we can try summoning Orion—"
"No!" Artemis abruptly stood, a silver blade in the darkness as she glared down at the girl. "You shall not. I forbid it."
Ritsuka recoiled and raised her hands appeasingly. "Right, ixnay on the summons! Right!"
The goddess' face remained stern, though the tension in her frame eased a fraction. That gave Ritsuka the courage to meet her gaze. "Can I ask why, though?"
"My darling is finally at rest," said the goddess. "When your summons tried to pull him from it, I seized his Saint Graph and took his place."
She glowered a moment more then took her seat again. A little further away, Ritsuka couldn't help but notice.
"I won't allow my darling to suffer any more. I'll fulfill his duty in his place, so he can rest easy. No matter how many battlefields I have to wade through, no matter how many nights I have to endure. Even if it's another thousand…"
Artemis did not look at the stars. Instead her gaze trailed along the ground, her shoulders slumped. Ritsuka had seen the goddess look both joyful and melancholy, even enraged at times, but never so…
Tired. She looks exhausted.
Hadn't Chiron said that the Greek gods had drifted for a long time before setting foot on Earth? The centaur had never explained what he'd meant, but looking at Artemis now, she believed it.
Ritsuka's eyes strayed up to the three stars glittering in the night sky. Then she inhaled sharply and turned to the goddess again.
"Artemis, about bear Orion…"
The elegant hands tightened their grip on the plush.
"The way you embody him… he's a reflection of Orion's personality, isn't he? And with how much you loved him, I'm sure it's an accurate one."
The ghost of a smile. A small nod of the plush's head.
"From what you've shown me…" Ritsuka breathed in. "He loved living life to the fullest, even when things got tough. I think he would've been happy here in Chaldea—meeting his fellow heroes, sparring, chasing women… and most of all, seeing you again."
The hands trembled.
"Look, you can smite me down for saying this. But the person who needs rest isn't Orion, it's y—"
Artemis wailed. It was not at all like the crystal weeping from earlier, but an ugly howl of grief and pain.
Ritsuka folded in under that pain, crumpling like a cheap umbrella while the goddess sobbed more bitterly than ever. Her eyes were swollen red, her shoulders heaving as snot and salt water ran down her face.
"C-Cruel, Master," she gasped at last between ragged breaths, "It's cruel to tell me this now. When it's too late for me to re-relinquish the S-Saint… oh, Orion!"
The goddess' renewed anguish drove Ritsuka's hand into her pocket before she could think of it. To her surprise, Artemis took the proffered tissues and blew her nose.
"Hey, listen…" the magus began. "We'll talk to Da Vinci. I'm sure we can figure something out."
Artemis nodded between her sniffles. "Yes, you can still meet the true Orion. I've corrupted my darling's spirit origin in Chaldea's systems beyond repair, but a fresh install should fix things. You'll need to erase the current Graph, then—"
"No!" Ritsuka whirled on her. "Absolutely not! That would banish you, wouldn't it?"
"Master," said the other gently, "it is only right that—"
"I won't allow it!" Something hot prickled in the corners of Ritsuka's eyes. "I… you can't come here and fight by my side, and… and be my friend, and say that! And…" She clenched her fists in her lap. "H-how could I ever look Orion—any Orion—in the eye, and tell him I let you die for him?"
Another silence stretched, broken only by muffled crying. It took a moment for Ritsuka to realize it was her own. Then long fingers brushed her shoulder, and she glanced up into the crystal blue of the moon goddess' eyes, still shimmering with tears.
"Okay, Master," said Artemis through a shaky smile, "I'll stay here with you and protect the humanity my darling loved. I think it's a fitting penance."
Ritsuka didn't think any penance was needed, but held her tongue. That was for Artemis to decide, wasn't it?
Instead she nodded. "Thank you, Artemis. That's all I can ask for."
Artemis rubbed her eyes. "And while I'm here, I might as well have fun, too. Draw my bow against Chiron's, race atop the waves with Ishtar. Even if my darling isn't here with me, I know it would make him smile. He did so love feats of strength."
"Really?" said Ritsuka, folding her hands behind her head. "Like what?"
"Ahahaha!" Artemis positively beamed. "Everything, Master, everything, so long as he could share it over wine afterwards. Why, when Python's eldest spawn came rising from the sea…"
Ritsuka ended up sharing stories with Artemis that night after all. They talked about Orion's exploits, but also the time a gull ran off with his favourite bracer, and Artemis' joy the first time a sea lion nuzzled her hand, and the time Ritsuka's mother blew up a spell so badly that most of the kitchen ended up on the roof. They talked until the night sky shaded into dawn and the magus' throat was hoarse from speaking.
There was no way of knowing if she'd truly helped. Perhaps on the next new moon, she'd return to find the goddess weeping as harshly as ever. Still, Ritsuka staggered to her bed that morning feeling hopeful.
Then despaired two hours later when Artoria Alter kicked down her door and dragged her off for training, deaf to the most heartfelt of pleas and shameless of bribes.
—
"Are you sure, Artemis?"
The little Master looked up at her as they made their way through Chaldea's corridors towards the summoning chamber.
"Of course," smiled Artemis as she floated by her shoulder. "The shieldmaiden mentioned that having a Servant by your side for the summons is a good luck charm, right? Then just imagine, with a goddess by your side!"
"Believe me, I'm grateful." Ritsuka scratched her cheek. "But… I mean, you've always turned me down before."
Artemis rebalanced the plush bear on her head. It sat there quietly these days, now that she was determined to live without the phantom of her beloved holding her hand. She still liked carrying it, though—a reminder that even if Orion couldn't be with her now, she could walk forward with everything he'd given her.
"Yes. I know I missed my customary 'first spin,' but… I couldn't accompany you then. Not when there was only one hero I longed—and feared—to see." She straightened her shoulders as they rounded the corner together. "Now I can finally greet whoever comes through with an open heart, no matter who it is."
"Even if it's Alpheus?" said Ritsuka innocently.
"Hmph! If that lowlife of a god dares show his face around here, I'll shoot him all the way back to Okea… ahem." Artemis raised her chin. "Any reasonable spirit, then."
Laughing, the girl pushed open the chamber's door. The goddess hesitated before following her in. Despite her conviction, her flesh heart hammered in her chest as she stepped over the threshold.
Little puffs of breath hung in the air, chilled to keep the machines from overheating. Ritsuka didn't complain or perhaps even notice, too busy running over to the Shielder waiting by the platform. Excitedly she produced a fistful of cards from her pocket and pressed them into the other girl's hands.
The sight brought a smile to Artemis' lips.
Darling. You would have loved it here.
When Ritsuka finally tore herself from her excited conference with her partner to glance back at her, Artemis merely waved and took her place at the far side.
I wish…
But she had long given up any right to plead with the Fates.
Holding her head up, she watched as the system powered on. There was the crackling of electricity and a sharp scent of ozone, familiar and yet entirely alien. She did not shiver, nor did she look away when blinding white light arched over the metal floor.
The familiar aura hit her even before the sparks faded and heavy boots landed with a thump. Her heart lodged painfully in her throat.
Love sees not with the eyes, but with the mind.
She shivered violently.
Pulsing mana coalesced into flesh and blood, a great wall of powerful muscle. Then Orion stepped off the platform, his smile boyish despite the iron club and bow in his hands.
"Sorry Master, introductions have to wait," he said. "There's something I gotta do first."
The instinct to throw herself into those broad arms was almost overwhelming. Only the crush of guilt over Artemis' shoulders pinned her in place.
"Darling, you…" she whispered helplessly.
Deep brown eyes turned her way, and his smile widened. "Hey, Artemis. I think you're finally ready to see me, yeah?"
The guilt melted under the warmth of that smile. With an inarticulate cry of joy, she launched herself at him. Orion grinned as he easily caught her up and swung her around, his face beaming with the same happiness.
I'm sorry, I missed you, I love you. She wasn't sure how many times she frantically repeated it to him, or how long he held her to his chest like a precious thing.
Neither of them noticed when the others slipped out of the room, too caught up in each other.
Because gods and humans may not love the same way, but their hearts can still beat as one.