INTRO:
Wiz: Giant Monsters vs Giant Robots. It is a legendary genre within the Japanese and anime culture. We have seen the mechanical and natural behemoths clash many times again and again, but these fighters will be well known as the original Japanese Giants.
Boomstick: Remember that 4D ride where the two franchises met? Well, it's time to see which one is stronger!
Wiz: Godzilla, the legendary King of the Monsters.
Boomstick: And Eva Unit 01, the first non-prototype Evangelion unit. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
GODZILLA:
Wiz: The year was 1954, less than a decade after Little Boy and Fatman had decimated Japan.
Boomstick: The nuclear age has begun.
Wiz: As the United States tested their shiny new hydrogen bombs across the Pacific, one of them woke something up.
Godzilla roars.
Boomstick: Godzilla, the radioactive rampaging savior/destroyer of Japan.
Wiz: Mutated by nuclear energy, Godzilla stands over 300 feet tall and weighs 90 thousand tons. He is an unstoppable force of nature.
Boomstick: And for some reason, Godzilla has made Japan his personal playground and has been stomping through it for 60 years.
Man: Couldn't he have picked on some other country?
Boardroom: *laughs*
Wiz: Godzilla's radioactive mutation leaves everything in his wake contaminated: water, plants, even people. Godzilla's presence alone makes a city block completely uninhabitable.
Boomstick: Like that noisy upstairs neighbor or people who let their dog shit in your front lawn.
Wiz: But Godzilla does not simply walk past his enemies to destroy them.
Boomstick: His strength is insane. He once lifted and threw his arch-rival Keizer Ghidorah, who weighs 100 thousand freakin' tons.
Wiz: He channels this strength through his claws, teeth, tail -
Boomstick: AND EPIC GRAVITY-DEFYING DROPKICKS!
Godzilla dropkicks Megalon.
Wiz: Hilarious abilities aside, Godzilla would not be such a legendary kaiju without some serious firepower. He can emit atomic energy from his body for a short-range Nuclear Pulse.
Boomstick: Or fire his signature Atomic Breath, a goddamn laser beam of pure radiation! That's like microwaving at least a hundred balls of tinfoil.
Wiz: Well, give or take a few... million...
Godzilla fires the Atomic Breath directly to the army from Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001).
Boomstick: The Atomic Breath can melt, burn, or blow up just much anything, and you know it just can't smell good! I mean... that's a lot of fish!
Wiz: NO! No, no, no! That right there is Zilla, the bastardized and shamed American version that Toho literally bought the rights to and completely re-branded... just to murder on-screen.
Boomstick: *chuckles* Take that, America!
Wiz: And that was just the real Godzilla's standard Atomic Breath.
Boomstick: Yep. After absorbing a giant pterodactyl's soul... oookay... he gained the power to boost his breath to the red spiral ray...
Wiz: ...an attack so deadly it only took a few blasts to obliterate the more powerful clone of himself, Space Godzilla.
Boomstick: What?! Space Godzilla?!
Wiz: Yes, Space Godzilla is a thing, moving on...
Boomstick: Ohh...
Wiz: When Godzilla absorbs enough radiation, he can transform into Burning Godzilla, which raises his body temperature so high that he can melt surrounding buildings and structures just by standing near them. He is far stronger in this form, as he easily killed both Destroyah and King Ghidorah while in this form. And his cell structure can quickly regenerate from all manner of wounds, and despite being vulnerable to man-made electricity, he possesses magnetic properties. Like a lightning rod, he can attract thunderbolts from the sky and use nature's power to enhance his own abilities... or turn himself into a giant living magnet.
Boomstick: Magnets... how do they even work? Well believe it or not, that isn't the weirdest thing that Godzilla can do. If Big G needs to get somewhere quick, he bends over, charges up, and does this...
Godzilla uses his Atomic Breath to propel himself through the air.
Wiz: Well, at least Japan is... creative?
Boomstick: Wait, can that even happen?
Wiz: Scaling to the present, to actually lift his body means his Atomic Breath must have a force of over 328 trillion psi. That's the equivalent of 1 TRILLION riot control fire hoses, enough to wrap around the earth 38 THOUSAND times.
Boomstick: Damn! Godzilla has 44 known victories, largely due to his insane durability. He's fallen into a volcano, survived a black hole, and tanked a meteorite point-blank... without a scratch.
Wiz: But despite popular belief, Godzilla is not invincible. His regeneration takes time, his speed is lacking, and despite having two brains, one in his skull and the other where his tail meets his torso, he's pretty darn clumsy.
Boomstick: Where were you on that one, ass brain?
Wiz: He officially lost a fight against King Kong and he's even died in four separate films.
Boomstick: But Godzilla's victories definitely outweigh his failures. There's a good reason they call him the "King of the Monsters."
Godzilla roars
EVA UNIT 01:
Wiz: The year was 2000. Tokyo was in ruins following the Second Impact, and mankind was threatened by hostile and gigantic beings called Angels.
Boomstick: But these weren't your typical Christianity kids with wings. Instead they were ranging from all SORTS of abominations, just like in the Bible! And to fight these giant monsters, this group called NERV decided to do it the old fashioned way: By creating GiANT ROBOTS to kick their asses!
Wiz: These beings were called Evangelions, or Evas, and they possessed godlike power.
Boomstick: What?! Come on, they're totally robots!
Wiz: Actually, they're not. Evangelions are massive humanoid cyborgs imbued with human souls.
Boomstick: Really? Then why are they PILOTED?!
Wiz: Well, pilots wear plugsuits and pilot the Eva within an Entry Plug, and see all that armor? That's so NERV can hide the Evas' true organic form and keep them under their control.
Boomstick: So...they're giant robot SLAVES?!
Wiz: Well, the souls within the Evas are actually the souls of the pilot's mother, such as the case with the pilot of the Eva Unit 01: Shinji Ikari.
Boomstick: Oh yeah! After his mom's death when he was 3, he was abandoned by his dad, who also died later on, and lived with his sensei for 11 years. But even though he wasn't taught any cool fighting moves from a guy that wasn't even a martial arts master, Shinji was eventually brought to Tokyo-3, because the second Tokyo was probably blown up too. Or it was just the capital of Japan. Don't judge me, it's anime.
Wiz: This was because Shinji was to be the one to pilot the first non-prototype Evangelion. This would be known as Evangelion Unit 01, which housed the soul of Shinji's mother, Yui Ikari.
Boomstick: Eva 1 was also the first cyborg mech to be born from Lilith, an extraterrestrial entity called a Seed of Life created by the First Ancestral Race, who are basically alien creators of life. And it's got a shitton of weapons, like a bigass Handgun, a larger than life Progressive Knife, an Absolute Terror Field that acts as a shield, and the Spear of Longinus, because it's long as f***. It also has incredible agility. But there's just one problem: Shinji's got a lot of trauma. He's gone through a lot of things, such as letting the original Eva 01 pilot getting terribly injured, burning his hands, getting trapped in a Sea of Dirac, abandoning his duties as a pilot after his dad made him nearly kill a fellow pilot, betrayed by Kaworu, killing him, and he's also a downright fraidy-cat.
Wiz: And this trauma, grief, and rage can be seen as weaponized after Eva 01 ate a Super Solenoid (or S Squared) Engine, an organ located within the core of an angel, from the Angel Zeruel. This triggered a transformation known as Berserk Mode.
Eva Unit 01 roars.
Boomstick: Oho-ho, Mamma's PISSED! This Berserk Mode is when an Eva goes WAY outta the pilot's control, and it becomes a straight up murder machine!
Wiz: Evangelions don't have S Squared Engines like Angels, so they need to rely on other power sources, such as Umbilical Cables which link Evas to external power supplies, and Internal Batteries which are emergency backups when Umbilical Cables can't be used.
Boomstick: Ugh. Why does this remind me of cyborg robot birth? That's disturbing…
Wiz: Well, not as disturbing as the TRUE purpose of the Evangelions. And that was to bring about the Third Impact, which would evolve humanity further.
Boomstick: Which WOULD'VE happened if Shinji's suicidal wishes hadn't screwed everything up and killed everyone! All because he nearly strangled his girlfriend to death. Man, I REALLY wanted to evolve to have an infinite stomach! I could drink all the beer I wanted! And he left his giant robot cyborg mom drifting through space! Man, talk about a sacrifice being in vain.
Wiz: As tragic as it might be, Eva Unit 01 would forever stand as an eternal testament to one thing: That the human race truly did exist. And for Shinji, he realized that he wanted real feelings of his own even if it meant once again exposing himself to betrayal and pain. And deep within himself and mankind, is the capacity for acceptance, compassion, redemption, and change.
B: Just like Asuka showed him. Aw, now they can be Adam and Eve all over again.
Shinji: (I mustn't run away!)
THE FIGHT:
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the data through all possibilities! Let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLEEEEEEE!
…
(Atomic Impact - Brandon Yates)
Eva Unit 01 heads through the destroyed city of Tokyo-3, searching for its target. Shinji speaks in Japanese.
Shinji: (Apparently the Angel that did this was unlike any other. An eighteenth, perhaps? Not that I care. I was too late to stop it. But it will pay…)
Suddenly, something large begins to move within the massive cloud of dust in front of Eva Unit 01.
Shinji: (What?! What IS that?!)
The massive figure stomps forward, glaring with a monstrous look. Godzilla then roars at his challenger, ready to fight. Eva Unit 01 punches an open palm.
Shinji: (Alright, you monster! I won't rest until I kill you!)
DB Announcer: FIGHT!
Eva Unit 01 gets into a runner's starting pose, then takes off. Shinji lets out a battle cry as Eva Unit 01 socks Godzilla across the jaw. Godzilla retaliates by lashing out with his tail, slamming Eva Unit 01 into a building. Unit 01 pushes itself off and recovers.
Shinji: *panting* (What the hell IS this thing?! I've never seen an Angel like THAT before!)
Godzilla then rams into Unit 01, throwing it into the air and making Shinji yell out. Eva recovers and Shinji grits his teeth.
Shinji: (Damn you, bastard! Take this!)
Eva Unit 01 pulls out its Handgun and fires at Godzilla, but only scratches his right shoulder. Godzilla roars out in pain, but Eva notices clouds beginning to cover up the sun. Suddenly, Godzilla's dorsal plates begin to glow blue.
Shinji: (What the hell…?)
Finally, after charging up, Godzilla unleashes his Atomic Breath.
Shinji: (SHIT!)
Eva Unit 01 blocks the Atomic Breath with its arms, but Godzilla only unleashes another Atomic Breath, which Eva Unit 01 also blocks. However, some damage seeps through, and Shinji screams as he feels the heat. 01 falls to the ground, but it gets back up and fires its Handgun again, stunning Godzilla.
Shinji: (You made one crucial mistake, monster. By killing everyone in this city, you've given me the all-clear to not hold back!)
Eva Unit 01 rips a building from the ground and throws it at Godzilla, who only destroys it with his Atomic Breath, creating another cloud of dust. Godzilla charges from it, but Eva dodges it and counters with a punch. Eva rams Godzilla against a building and holds him there, but Godzilla bites down hard on Eva's right arm, making Shinji scream in pain. Godzilla then throws Eva, sending it tumbling into various cars before skidding to a halt just near a car, setting off its alarm. Dazed, Eva gets back up.
Shinji: (Not yet...I'm...I'm not...I'M NOT DONE YET!)
Eva then fires its Handgun, hitting Godzilla a few times before a bullet cartridge jams the pistol, forcing Eva to discard it and instead pull out its Progressive Knife.
Shinji: (HYAAAAAAA!)
Eva Unit 01 leaps onto Godzills and stabs him in the neck, causing Godzilla to roar out in pain. Eva then leaps off after throwing away the knife, making Godzilla fall to the ground.
Shinji: *panting* (At last...they're all avenged…)
Suddenly, he notices an alarm go off.
Shinji: (W-What?! Temperature's rising?!)
Eva turns back around.
Shinji: (Dammit! It's still alive!)
Godzilla gets back up, his sheer presence melting the skyscrapers. He then roars at Eva Unit 01, now as Burning Godzilla.
Shinji: (Why won't you DIE?!)
Eva rushes up to Burning Godzilla and pounds at it, but the blows do nothing. Burning Godzilla throws Eva Unit 01 off, forcing it to use its agility to leap from building to building to dodge his Burning Atomic Breath. When it gets behind Burning Godzilla, Eva Unit 01 grabs a downward swinging tail, throws it aside, and leaps forward to deliver a powerful punch. However, Godzilla bites down on the arm again, and throws Eva Unit 01 through another building, making it crash into a subway station.
Shinji: *coughing* (N-No...It's...it's even STRONGER now!)
He gasps as he sees another alarm indicating that Burning Godzilla will soon explode, as well as the predicted blast radius and the time until the explosion. To his horror, it will engulf all of Tokyo-3, including the NERV HQ!
Shinji: (That bastard! He's gonna blow himself up to take me with him! Well, he can HAVE me, but NOT the city! NOT WHAT'S LEFT OF IT!)
Eva gets back up and charges at Godzilla, leaping onto his back and delivering punch after punch, with Shinji fighting through the intense pain of the high temperatures. Angered, Burning Godzilla uses his Atomic Breath to push himself into a building, slamming Eva Unit 01 in between them. Shinji tries to have Eva get back up, but sees that the controls aren't responding. Knowing that this means, he grits his teeth.
Shinji: (KILL HIM!)
Entering Berserk Mode, Eva Unit 01 roars out at Burning Godzilla, who roars back before they charge at each other. Finally, they clashed and began trading blows. Eva dodges a tail swipe and Godzilla dodges a punch. Berserk Eva then begins using its AT Fields for offense, proving a match for Godzilla's durability. Eva's speed and agility matches Godzilla's strength and durability, and it seems to be an equal fight. However, Shinji notices that there are only 5 minutes left until Burning Godzilla explodes, and the temperature rises to immeasurable degrees. Still, he ignores the message's recommendation of retreat. As traumatic events race through his mind as the mental pressure and area temperature increases, Shinji lets out a berserk scream of rage as Godzilla and Eva roar at each other. Eva throws another punch with its left arm, but Godzilla bites it again. This time, however, Shinji's scream of rage becomes that of pain as Godzilla rips the arm off, making Eva Unit 01 roar out in pain.
Shinji: (YOU BASTAAAARRRDDDD!)
Burning Godzilla takes another AT Field to the shoulder like a champ, shattering it with another tail swipe.
Shinji: (I'll kill you... I'LL KILL YOU DEAD!)
From the heavens, the Spear of Longinus comes crashing down as EVA Unit 01 grips it with ease, preparing to throw it at a bracing Godzilla.
Shinji: (IT'S OVER! DIE!)
With force rivaling that of an Olympic athlete, EVA 01 hurls it towards Burning Godzilla, who simply shatters it with a powerful-enough bite.
Shinji: (...Oh god.)
Burning Godzilla begins charging up for a Nuclear Pulse, Unit 01 pulling up a crapton of AT Fields in response.
Shinji: (I won't back down, I can-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)
The nuclear pulse rips clean through the innumerable AT Fields, burning Unit 01 as Godzilla charges ahead, the Infinite Spiral Heat Ray burning in his jaws. Godzilla then bites down on Unit 01, blasting the Infinite Spiral Heat Ray clean into it as red cracks like veins spread all over its body.
Shinji: (Damn you...DAMN YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!)
Unit 01 explodes, taking the NERV Headquarters and Tokyo 3 with it. As the smoke settles, Godzilla reverts back as the final attack had used up all of the radiation he had left as Burning Godzilla, thus stopping the imminent explosion, which had only 60 seconds until he exploded.
Triumphant once more, Godzilla roars in victory over his atomized foe.
RESULTS:
DB Announcer: KO!
Boomstick: Holy shit! Godzilla showed no mercy! And Shinji was just a kid!
Wiz: Eva Unit 01 had the advantage in terms of speed and agility, but even with Shinji's unwaverable will, Godzilla still outclassed him in terms of durability and strength. Plus, with Shinji's trauma about the horrible memories, he was left a little mentally weakened.
Boomstick: Yeah, we know that Eva Unit 01 was stronger when Berserk, like when it tore a fellow Evangelion and an Angel to pieces, but Burning Godzilla's WAY stronger! I mean, he killed a freaking flying crab demon monster and a three-headed hydra alien dragon!
Wiz: While Eva Unit 01 has fought many massive monsters, Godzilla is leagues above the Angels. And while Eva Unit 01 was trapped floating in space for all eternity, Godzilla managed to survive a re-atmospheric entry when he was dropped by King Ghidorah. And he even managed to survive the Oxygen Destroyer, albeit barely, which killed the original Godzilla!
Boomstick: Well, at least Shinji's with his mom and dad again. But it also looks like even though Eva Unit 01 may be the living embodiment of a God, it still couldn't match the power of God-zilla!
Wiz: The winner is Godzilla!