Buy her flowers
Buy her ice cream
Take her out on walks
Write her a love letter
Sing for her
Loki tapped his pen against his chin, lips pursed thoughtfully. Kirsten deserved the best, and somehow, he had to convince her that there was something in him that had earned her. He knew there was nothing there for her, but maybe she could be convinced to put up with him.
He'd written down all the ways he knew Midgardian women liked to be wooed, gathered from movies, books, and music. Honestly, there wasn't much to go on. Buying her trifles seemed vastly underwhelming to the vast wealth of what she meant to him. Taking her out seemed to be a waste of her valuable time. No words in the world could describe what he felt towards her. He knew, he'd tried. And he'd been told his singing sounded like a screeching penguin, so serenading her was entirely out of the question. He wanted to woo her, not scare her away with penguin-screeching.
"What are you doing, Brother?"
Loki looked up to see Thor leaning over the back of his chair. "I'm just compiling a list of things I could do to woo Kristen."
Thor's oafish face split into a wide grin. "You're finally going to try to win her hand? That's amazing! You've been crushing on her for months!"
Loki smiled, embarrassed, and nodded. "Have you any ideas?"
Thor sat down on Loki's bed, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Hm…" He hummed. "You're off to a good start. You could slay a dragon for her."
Loki brightened for a few seconds, then shook his head. "I don't think she'd like that. You know, she's got a soft spot for animals."
"Good point." Thor nodded.
"I'll put it on the list, though." Loki jotted down the idea.
Thor kicked his feet gently, a frown on his face. "Jane is always pleased when I bring her chocolates. Perhaps Kristen would enjoy that."
Loki nodded thoughtfully. "Chocolates is a little… disbalanced as to how much she really means to me, don't you think?" Nevertheless, he added it to the list.
Thor shook his head helplessly. "I admit, I, too, am still new to courting Midgardian women. Perhaps you could ask Anthony?"
So, Loki did.
"Girls like it when you pretend to be interested in them." Tony informed. "So, just let her talk, and pretend to listen, ask a couple relevant, intelligent questions, and she'll fall head-over-heels."
Loki furrowed his brow. "But I am interested in her. I already listen to everything she says. There's no pretending necessary. I love it when she speaks; I could listen to her all day."
"So that's why Pepper's mad at me…" the Billionaire mused. "Well, I guess you're further along than I am."
"But you're already married." Loki pointed out.
Tony shrugged. "Doesn't mean I'm good at it. Just means Pep can put up with my severe ineptitude."
Loki frowned, and shook his head. "You have any other advice for me?"
"Take her out to eat. Somewhere fancy." Tony shrugged. "The more money you spend on her, the better. Ask Steve. He's competent."
Loki jotted down the advice, and went to find the soldier.
He was drawing on the balcony, his legs dangling out in the atmosphere, as he hummed some sort of 40s tune. "Take her out dancing." He advised. "And, you know, be decent to her. A dame always liked being respected. That's more important than money. Spend a lot of quality time with her, and you're gold."
Loki nodded, and settled down beside Steve. "How do you mean, 'spend time with her'? Doing what?"
Steve shrugged. "I guess, just getting to know her. Find somewhere you can talk without a lot of distractions, and just talk. Or, you could go see a picture, together. I know Peggy loved that."
"A picture?" Loki was confused. "As in, art, or something like that?"
"Well, yeah, if she likes museums and stuff like that." Steve nodded. "But I meant, like at the cinema."
Loki blinked, totally lost.
Steve cracked a grin. "You know, sometimes it's nice having someone around who's more clueless than I am."
Loki gave him an unamused stare. "Glad to be entertaining. What's a cinema?"
"A movie theater?"
Loki's eyes widened in realization. "Oh, yes…" Traumatic memories of the first time Tony had taken him to a theatre flashed through his head. There were so many people, and they were everywhere, and all the candy gave him a stomachache and staring at the enormous screen had caused a headache, and he had made a fool of himself one time too many by mistaking the story for reality, as most of the tales told on Asgard were at least heavily based on fact, so it had confused him, and he would never go back, not if Thor tickled him for the rest of his life.
Well… maybe, if Kristen wanted to go…
He desperately hoped Kristen didn't want to go, but, nevertheless, he jotted it down.
"Thank you for the advice, Captain." He smiled, and scrambled to his feet.
"Yeah, no problem." Steve nodded. "You might want to ask Natasha. She is a dame, after all, and knows what women want better than I do."
So, he had gone to find Natasha. It was harder than it sounded, but he eventually tracked her down, curled up, sound asleep, in the dryer.
"You are a cat." He informed her. "It is official."
"No more than you." She yawned. "What do you want?"
Loki nodded nervously. "Well… if I liked a Midgardian woman… as in, she was the light of my eyes and my heart's true desire, and I'd do anything if only it put a smile on her face, how would I tell her? And, more importantly, what could I do or say that would show her how much she truly means to me?"
Natasha raised an eyebrow, and crawled out of the Midgardian machine, socks clinging to her hair and catsuit with static electricity. "Are you trying to tell me something?"
"You think I mean you?" He shook his head, looking at her as if she was crazy. "No. Not at all. I was referring to Kristen."
Natasha nodded amiably. "Oh, I see. Yeah, she is pretty cool."
Loki nodded, unaware of the moony smile that had crept over his features. "Yes. The coolest. Now, how do I win her hand?"
"Well…" Natasha hummed. "You could buy her a diamond ring, then, next time you see her, get down on one knee, and give her the same look you have on your face, right now."
Loki blinked in confusion. "Midgardians have strange traditions…"
"Yeah, I guess." The spy shrugged. "But that's how you get someone's hand in marriage."
"In marriage?" Loki yelped. "Natasha, I'm seventeen! I'm not ready for that! Besides, she'd never say yes, even if I was older, and we haven't even gone on one romantic excursion, yet! She doesn't even know I love her!"
Natasha face-palmed. "Oh, you just want to court her? Why didn't you just say that?"
"I didn't think you'd tell me how to propose…" Loki grumbled, but filed the information away for later. "No. I want to ask her out on a date. Is that what they're called? Or is it pineapple? I can never remember…"
"Date." Natasha assured him. "Just be yourself. Ask her if she wants to spend time with you, go out to eat, or something, and just be yourself. You don't want her to like you for your façade."
"I suppose not." Loki glanced down at his list, once more, as Natasha crawled back into the dryer.
Buy her flowers
Buy her ice cream
Take her out on walks
Write her a love letter
Sing for her
Slay a fearsome beast
Chocolates
Listen to her
Take her out to eat
Take her out dancing
Respect her
Movies? (Last resort)
Spend time with her
Be myself
There was only one problem. Loki hated himself, and there was no reason for Kristen not to hate him, as well. It was true that he didn't want her to like his mask, but… at least, if she liked his mask, she liked anything about him at all.
Loki and Kristen walked down the sidewalk, Loki being uncharacteristically quiet as Kristen talked about her new job in Stark Tower. Loki found his thoughts wandering, as she watched her animated expressions. It wasn't his fault; he was a scatter-brained man by nature. He'd bought her ice cream, earlier, and she'd seemed to appreciate that, and now they were spending time together. He was listening to her, and he was pretty sure he was respecting her… Wait, he wasn't listening, anymore.
Mentally, he kicked himself, and dragged himself back down to reality. She was now talking about finding an apartment in Brooklyn, now, so she could be closer to the tower, and her workplace.
"You'd be closer to me, too." He pointed out with a smile.
"Well, yeah." Kristen agreed, and glanced away, tucking her hair behind her ear self-consciously. "That would be nice."
"Kristen?" He suddenly said. "Do you like dancing?"
She shrugged easily, and made a so-so motion with her hand. "Sort of. I'm bad at it."
"Oh, I'm sure you're not." Loki quickly stated. "You're good at everything else."
With a tiny smirk, the mortal laughed. "Well, thanks. But trust me, I'm bad. I'd step all over your feet."
Very well, then. If she didn't want to, for whatever reason, Loki could be fine with that. "Well, then… how would you feel about us – that is, just the two of us – going to a restaurant? Together?"
Kristen narrowed her eyes, and stopped in her tracks. Curiously, Loki turned and looked into her sea-green eyes. How beautiful they were… "Is something wrong?"
"Are you asking me out?" She narrowed her eyes with a tiny smirk.
Asking her… out? Loki had never heard that phrase used, before. What could it mean? Asking her out of what? His life? Was it shockingly rude on Midgard to ask a woman to go to restaurant with you? Had he insulted her? Did she think he wanted her out of his life, now? "No." He quickly assured her. "No, of course not. I didn't mean it that way at all. I would never ask that of you. Don't worry."
Kristen's eyes got very, very big, and she stared at him with a rather strange expression that he couldn't decipher at all. "O-Okay." She finally nodded. "But… Never?"
"Not in a million years." Loki assured her with a comforting smile. "There is no reason I could think of, that would make me do that."
"Oh." She said in a very small voice. "Then, we're just… friends?"
Loki smiled, and nodded reassuringly. That was a strange way to ask if someone was still friends. To his horror, though, Kristen wrapped her arms around herself miserably, as if giving herself a hug, and looked away to hide the – oh, dear – tears in her eyes. What had Loki done? He thought he'd fixed it. He'd thought… But, then, Kristen turned, and shook her head. "I guess it's no secret, then. I don't think of you that way."
She didn't even want to be his friend, anymore? Had he insulted her that deeply? "I-I'm so sorry." He whispered. He'd thought it was agonizing, seeing her every day, and yet, not having the courage to tell her how he felt, but the prospect of not ever seeing her, again? It was almost more than he could bear.
Kristen glanced up at him, the tears about to overflow. "Okay." She gulped. "I, uh… I need to get home."
"Alright." Loki nodded, forcing his voice to be calm, and teleported the both of them to her home. He ought to say something. "I'll… see you later?"
"Yeah. Later." Kristen sighed, and silently trudged up the steps, closing the door behind her without a backwards glance.
Loki stumbled back, feeling like he was about to faint. What had he done? He didn't even know where he'd gone wrong. Dejectedly, he teleported himself to the room he and Thor shared. The list of ways to woo her was folded neatly by his pillow, and he unfolded it, and skimmed it over. It all seemed so pointless, so inadequate. Just like him. Why had he even tried? He'd never be enough for such a perfect woman as her.
Dejectedly, he buried his face in his hands, and cried himself senseless.
It seemed almost years later, when Loki felt Thor's strong arms wrap around his shaking shoulders. "What's the matter, Brother?"
Loki only hiccupped, and buried his face in Thor's shoulder, a fresh onslaught of tears pouring down his face. Thor sighed, and stroked his younger brother's hair softly, humming a tune their mother had sung when they were small to calm him. "There, there…" He murmured. "It'll be alright."
"No…" Loki whimpered. "I've ruined it all."
"What have you ruined?" Thor frowned in confusion, pulling Loki back to arms' length, as he wiped the tears off his narrow face, now flushed from weeping. "Come, Loki, calm yourself."
The Trickster struggled to take a deep breath, and heaved a shaky sigh. "I've made Kristen angry with me. I fear I insulted her."
Thor was silent, prompting Loki to go on.
"I was going to ask her to go on a date with me." He whimpered. "But I hurt her, instead. Why do I always ruin everything?" Loki demanded. "Why do I always mess things up? Now she won't even be my friend, anymore. I'm such a failure…"
Thor sighed, and wrapped his miserable brother in another hug. "She'll understand. If you apologize to her, I'm sure she'll forgive you."
"B-But that's just the thing." Loki sniffled. "I did apologize, and that only made her more upset. I don't understand women…"
The Thunderer chuckled. "No man alive truly does." He patted Loki gently on the shoulder. "I'm sure this is a misunderstanding, okay? When did she start acting upset?"
"When I told her I wouldn't dream of asking her out." Loki mumbled.
There was a confused silence. "You told her… what?" Thor finally blurted.
Loki frowned in confusion. "That I wouldn't dream of asking her out. What… What does that mean?"
Thor sighed, and face-palmed. "It means ask her to go on a date with you."
"Oh." The blood drained from Loki's face, and his hands began shaking. "Oh, what have I done? She probably thinks I don't even love her!"
Thor somberly nodded. "You should probably go explain yourself, and quickly."
Loki immediately leapt to his feet, and teleported to her doorstep. It was raining, extremely hard, and Loki was soaked to the skin in seconds. It mattered little, though, and he ran up to the door, and pressed the doorbell.
It took a while, but she finally opened the door, her face streaked with tears, and she started in confusion when she saw his face. "Oh my God, Loki?" She gasped. "What are you doing, here?"
Loki stared at his boots, the pelting rain only adding to the whole miserable person look. "I… I came to apologize."
Kristen sighed, and glanced down at her feet. "Don't ever apologize for what you feel… or for what you don't."
"No, please." Loki stepped forward insistently.
Kristen glanced up at his sodden form. "Gosh, I'm so stupid, come on in, dry yourself off."
Loki gladly nodded, and stepped inside the shelter of her entry. With a twist of his fingers, he turned the water in his clothes and hair to steam. Fidgeting slightly, he pondered over how, exactly to phrase this.
"You must think I'm so insipid…" Kristen was saying. "Going home and crying because my crush doesn't like me back. I'm sorry. I've ruined a beautiful friendship."
"But he does." Loki blurted. "He does like you back."
"I was referring to you." Kristen informed him, her face red in embarrassment. "I have a crush on you."
Loki licked his lips nervously, and nodded. "I know that, now. And, um…" He flicked his wrist, summoning a bouquet of roses to his hands. "Kristen?" he ventured. Her eyes were wide and hopeful, yet disbelieving, as if she was sure she must be misunderstanding.
"Yeah?"
Loki stepped a little closer. "Kristen, I love you. I know I'm not worth your time, and I didn't mean to hurt you, and I just want to…" It really would have been better if he had prepared a speech. "I just want to show you how much you really mean to me. If I've ruined everything, I'm sorry, I really am. Could you still find it your heart to… allow me to…"
He didn't even need to finish. Kristen's impish grin had resurfaced, and her eyes sparkled like sunlight on snow. "You mean it?"
"More than I've ever meant anything in my life." Loki whispered. He started to hold out the roses, but Kristen suddenly stepped forward, and wrapped her arms softly around Loki's neck, and brushed a kiss onto his cheek.
"Thank you…" Loki gasped, on the verge of tears, again. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
Kristen pulled back, and cupped his face in her hands. "My pleasure."
TheOnlyHuman.