Just a little spec fic based on that upstead promo fic. Hopefully, this helps Wednesday come a little quicker! Shout out to the several people on twitter who requested this fic!
Title comes from the song "The Dark" by SYML
Hope you enjoy!
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
"Hailey….Hailey." Jay calls out from the kitchen for what must be the fifth time, but by now, the sound of his voice just sounds like buzzing. "Hailey, you need to eat something and go to sleep."
"We should be out there looking for her," Hailey ignores him, pacing back and forth in her living room. Her body has long lost track of what hour, or even what day it is, but all she knows is that Kim is missing and they should be looking for her, not standing in her apartment.
"Hailey, we have been up for close to forty hours," Jay tells her calmly, leaning against the kitchen island. "You heard Voight, patrol is looking for her. We need a few hours of rest. We need to be on our A-game. Kim deserves that much."
"She deserves every cop in the city looking for her," Hailey corrects him. "She deserves her team looking for her."
She paces from the edge of the couch to the wall and back again, the same worried knot that has been in her stomach all day running rampant.
The minute Adam found her missing, the search began. The team met at her last known location and fought like bats out of hell to find her, but still, nothing. It was only when Voight noticed they were all running on nothing more than anxiety and caffeine that he finally sent them home and told them to get a few hours of sleep because they had a long case ahead of them.
They all fought him. Every single one of them protested. Adam yelled, Hailey and Kevin reasoned, even Jay had a comment or two, but Voight's word was final. They had already been up for longer than they should have been and they were no good to Kim if they were too tired to safely do their jobs.
So, now Hailey and Jay find themselves in her apartment, but instead of sleeping, she is pacing.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
"Hailey," Jay calls out again, and normally, the gentle way he voices her name is enough to ground her, but today, it's in one ear and out the other.
"Hailey," He tries one more time and in the fast-paced frenzy of her walking, she can barely see him walking away from the kitchen island and coming to stand in front of her, his hands reaching out and resting on her arms to hold her in place.
"We are going to find her," Jay whispers. "Kim is strong. You know that. She is going to keep fighting and so are we."
"Jay, she's got a kid." Hailey bites out through gritted teeth. "It's different this time, you know that. Makayla has already been through so much."
"I know," Jay agrees softly, running this thumb over her coat. "But Adam is over there with her, she's okay right now."
Hailey bites the inside of her cheek, turning her head to stare at the door. She can already feel the tears starting to well in her eyes when she looks back at Jay. "He is tearing himself up. You know that right?"
"I know. We all are-"
"No," Hailey cuts him off, her voice thick with emotion. "It's different for him. He…" Her voice trails off as the tears start to fall.
"When it was you, I couldn't even see straight," Hailey whispers. "I couldn't figure out which way was up. It was absolute hell."
"Hailey-" He breathes out, shaking his head, and she knows by the look on his face there is more he wants to say, but between the exhaustion and the emotion, he can't find the words.
"I thought I was going to lose you," She chokes out. "And that's what Adam is thinking right now."
"Come here," He whispers before pulling her close to him, wrapping his arms around her body as he rests his chin on her head. She lets her hands come to rest on his back, leaning her head into the space under his neck, listening to the comforting sound of his breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
It's enough to ground her, to help her remember where she is and what is going on.
"I'm here," He whispers into her hair as he rubs nonsensical patterns on her back. "I'm here and you're here. And we are going to find Kim, you got that?"
She closes her eyes, relishing in the sound of his breathing and the feeling of his chest moving up and down against her body. She feels him lean back, just an inch, and before she can protest, his lips are against her forehead, leaving a feather-light kiss to her skin.
When she feels him remove his lips from her forehead, she opens her eyes and leans back, removing her hand from his back and letting it come to cup his jaw. Her eyes are completely connected with his so she feels more than sees his hand come to rest on top of hers, steadying her shaky fingers.
"Do you want to try to eat something?"
She shakes her head. "Can we just go lay down?"
He nods, even though they both know the odds of them sleeping are slim to none. Right now, all she honestly thinks she can do is pace back and forth, but she knows what she needs is for him to hold her still.
They make quick work of getting changed and getting into bed, silently letting themselves become wrapped up together like they have so many nights before. Her head is resting on his bare chest and his arm is around her back and their legs are a tangled mess underneath the sheets.
Her fingers trace the constellations of his freckles, pacing in a pattern like she was doing out in the living room.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
It is not until the pads of her index finger brush against the red circle on his chest that her fingers still.
"It was the worst day of my life," She whispers. "I somehow remember everything but it all seems so fuzzy. It makes no sense."
"I think I get it," He murmurs, tilting his head down so he can see her. "When it was you and Kim...I was a mess too."
"You never told me about that day. Adam told me that you were pretty pissed, but I don't think you and I have ever talked about it."
Jay chuckles lightly and she feels his fingers run up and down the curve of her spine. "I was terrified. I blamed myself and I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if I never saw you again."
"That's how I felt," Hailey breathes out. "I felt like I failed as your partner. I thought I was never going to see you again and even when you got shot and you were in the hospital...I thought I was never going to get to tell you how I felt about you."
His hand stills on her back and his eyes grow a little at her words. "You were going to say something at the hospital...was that it?"
He looks at her, green eyes soft, and it hits her hard how close she came to losing him. All day, the thoughts of him in that basement have been flooding her head but now, with him holding her so tight that she can feel his breath on her skin, it strikes her just how close she came to never having this.
Hailey swallows, nodding against his chest. "Yeah...I think almost losing you made me see that I didn't want to live without you."
She notices the small smile on his face and she thinks if they were having this conversation at any other time, he would make a joke about how maybe he should have gotten kidnapped sooner if he knew it was going to help her realize her feelings. But now, that all feels a little too on the nose, and even if something good came out of all of that, she would go back and change it in a heartbeat if she could.
So instead, he tightens his grip on her, turning on his side just enough that their chests are flush with each other. She feels him kiss the top of her head as she wraps her own arm around his back, her fingers resting under his shoulder blades.
"You are never gonna have to live without me," He says so quietly she almost doesn't hear it. "Nothing is gonna happen to either of us. And nothing is gonna happen to Kim. We are going to find her and she is going to go home to Adam and Makayla. And I am always going to come home to you."
She tilts up her head a little to see his eyes and there are a few watery tears that were not there before. She knows he means it all, even if he can't know for sure. He can't know what tomorrow is going to bring or if they are going to find Kim, but that does not change the promise he is making to always fight to come home to her.
"And I'm always going to come home to you," She breathes out.
It's silent for a few minutes and she thinks they can maybe both hear the other's thoughts: thoughts about the fear of what is happening to Kim right now, the heartbreak of what Adam and Makayla are currently going through, the pain of remembering how close they have come to losing each other.
"It's different now," He says after a while, and even though he is looking right at her, it feels more like he is thinking out loud. "It's different for all of us. I mean, the last time Kim got kidnapped, she didn't have Makayla. But now, she has something to go home to. Something to fight for."
There is an unspoken truth to his words that she hears loud and clear: she's got more to fight for, but she's got more to lose.
"When Kim and I got kidnapped," Hailey says. "I told her to leave and go get help. I thought the odds of us both getting out were pretty slim, so I told her to leave and find help, but I really did it so she could save herself."
Jay loosens his grip on her and lays on his back once again, adjusting Hailey so she is pressed up against his side. "I don't think I ever knew that."
"Yeah," She mutters. "And obviously, I'm thankful that she stayed, but I can't help but think what would have happened if things went differently that day….what happens if things go differently this time around?"
"Kim's-"
"Strong," She cuts off his thought gently. "I know. Trust me, I know. She was so brave back when we were in that cabin….but it doesn't change the fact that I'm terrified."
"I know, Hailey. I'm scared too."
"When it was you…" Hailey starts tentatively, almost feeling bad for bringing it up when Kim is still out there, alone and cold. "I knew you were the strongest person I had ever met but I was so damn scared. Every time I closed my eyes I saw you beaten up or injured or worse...and I could barely think straight because I kept thinking about all the things I never told you, all the things we were never gonna get to do."
She thought about how they would never have another chance to do their thing and how she would never ride shotgun in his truck again. She thought about how she would never get to cheer his name when he made Sergeant. She wouldn't get to tell him that he slowly but surely became more than her partner and that he somehow became the most important thing in her life.
"That's what I thought when I was down there in that basement," Jay turns to look up at the ceiling, running his free hand through his messy hair. Hailey lifts her head up and rests her chin on his chest to see him better as he continues.
"I mean, it wasn't my first time being in that type of situation...but it felt different," He explains. "My first thought when I woke up there was that you were going to kill me when you found me."
Hailey chuckles lightly at the joke, watching as he tilts his head and lets his hand come to brush a strand of hair out of her face. It might be a joke, but she can tell he is serious and she is not sure if it makes her want to kiss him or cry.
"After that, I thought about how I did such a lousy job of telling you how much you meant to me," He whispers, his eyes steadied on hers. "I made a promise to myself that I was going to get out of that basement and I was going to tell you one day how much I cared about you."
It didn't happen right away, but he kept that promise. He has told her in quiet whispers and he has told her in grand gestures and he has told her between sweet stolen kisses in the privacy of her apartment. They have both told each other time and time again what they thought they would never get the chance to.
"Kim is gonna fight tooth and nail to get out of there," Hailey whispers. "For Makayla."
"And we are gonna fight tooth and nail to find her. For Kim, for Makayla...for all of us."
Her fingers start running across his chest again, connecting the patterns of his freckles and tracing his scars. "This is my least favorite part of the job. Always being so scared of losing everything in an instant."
It's a strange dialectic, being a police officer because there is a constant awareness that everything could be taken from you in a second and the realization that you can't let that fear overtake you. And with years on the job, Hailey has learned to balance those two realities, but on days like today, it is hard to not let the overwhelming fear settle in.
Days like today show them they are not invincible. They are not immune to the dangers of the job and it's just a matter of time before something bad happens to them or someone they care about.
"It's harder when you have something to come home to," He hums in agreement.
The same thing that gives you something to fight for is what makes this job hard because it's the very thing you could lose.
She is well aware they are no longer talking about Kim and Makayla. He is thinking about her bloodied and bruised face, hands in shackles in a cabin. She is thinking about his body on a yellow board, blood pouring from his chest, an oxygen mask covering his face.
They are thinking about how lucky they got but how, maybe next time, they won't get so lucky.
And it would have been hard both of those times for one to lose the other. But now? Now that they have this? Now that they know the taste of each other's kiss and the feel of the other's body? Now that they know what it's like to say "I love you" and what it's like to hear it back?
It would be beyond devastating.
"I can't lose you," She breathes out.
"I can't lose you either," He whispers back as he tightens his grip on her back.
There is no resolution to their words and no comforting promise that they won't lose the other. Right now, they both know they need a moment to be scared. Scared for Kim, for Makayla, for Adam, for the team, and for them.
"Kim has this whole life planned with Makayla," Hailey can feel the hot tears start to roll down her cheek and she does her best to wipe them away, but it feels futile. "We have this whole life planned and it's not fair that we can all lose those plans in a minute because of some criminal."
Kim had plans of raising her daughter, of teaching her to ride a bike and how to drive, of holding her hand through her first heartbreak, and seeing her walk across a stage at her high school graduation.
They have plans too. This thing between them is new, but they've got plans. Plans of a life and a future and happiness. Hailey's got plans of doing this relationship thing the right way, of unlearning what she saw in her past and figuring out what love actually looks like with him.
"I know," He agrees in a murmur. "It's not fair. But I think that all we can do is just do our jobs to the best of our ability and then go home and hug the people in our lives tight."
His hand comes to rest on hers on his chest, stilling the movement of her fingers. Her hand feels safe between the skin of his hand and the skin of his chest and she can feel his heart beating against her palm, reminding her that he is here and he is alive and so is she.
She raises herself up to kiss him, sweet and slow, a reminder to both of them that she made it out of that cabin and he made it out of that basement.
And maybe it's naive, but it feels like a promise that they both are going to fight to get out of the next cabin or basement or bad situation they find themselves in and that they are going to come home and hold the other close.
"I love you," She breathes out against his lips when they separate. The words are sometimes still hard for her to say, but right now, they slip out of her mouth so easily.
"I love you too," He whispers. "Nothing is ever going to stop me from fighting to come home to you."
"Me too," Hailey says. "I've never really had a good relationship with the idea of home but...you're my home, Jay. You have been for a while and I promise I am going to fight to come back to you too."
He kisses her again and she can feel the pain and the exhaustion and the fear and the love in his lips. It's overwhelming, yet it's grounding, healing in the most simple of ways.
"You're my home too," He murmurs, turning his head completely towards her and using his hand to cup her chin. "And I know we can't control what's going to happen out there on the job, but I promise you, I am never going to stop fighting for us."
"Neither am I."
No kidnapping and no bad guy and no fear from the past is stopping her from living this life that she so desperately wants with him.
Their eyes watch each other in the deafening silence of her bedroom, neither of them daring to move from the safe little bubble they have created. She knows the minute they move, it is back to reality and right now, she is not ready.
"You're still scared about Kim? Jay asks softly, even though they both know the answer to the question.
Hailey nods. "Talking helped...but I'm going to be worried until we find her."
"I know," Jay whispers, stroking Hailey's back supportively. "We should really try to get some sleep though. When we go back to work, it's going to be a long and emotional day."
"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep," Hailey tells him in a small voice and he closes his eyes and nods, understanding what she is saying.
The fear is real and the nightmares are going to come and her body is too on edge to get anything resembling sleep right now.
"I know, baby. I'm scared too," He leans forward and kisses her cheek, his lips mingling with the tears that have now dried against her skin. "But do you think we can try? For Kim?"
She doesn't say anything, but she gives him a little shy nod. The last thing she wants to do right now is sleep, her brain running amuck with thoughts of what could be happening with Kim and memories of how she has been through this before, but she knows she needs to try to get some rest.
"I promise I'll be right here," He whispers. "I've got you."
"I've got you too. Always."
They leave the lights on and they are only under half the blankets, but neither of them cares. He wraps her up tighter in his arms and she further tangles their legs and she is honestly not sure where one of them starts and the other ends. She is scared to close her eyes, scared she will see visions of Kim in shackles, or she will see Jay bleeding out in a basement, but she tries to focus on the beating of his heart and the rhythm of his breathing instead.
For the first time since they got home, she doesn't feel the anxiety completely overwhelming her body. She doesn't feel the need to pace in an attempt to be doing something. She is still scared: scared about Kim and about them and about everything.
But she feels still and she feels safe here in the comfort of his arms so she closes her eyes and tries to get some rest.
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