INTRO:
W: The slasher genre is an iconic piece of horror media. It can send anyone watching into fear and paranoia.
B: And aside from the gloved living nightmare, nothing better dominated the silver screen than these two masked murderers. But only ONE of them will be the King of Killers!
W: Michael Myers, the Shape and Boogeyman of Halloween.
B: And Jason Voorhees, Camp Crystal Lake's hockey-masked haunter! He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
W: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
MICHEAL MYERS:
(Main Theme - Halloween)
W: On October 31st, 1963, something seemed to snap within a 6 year old boy.
B: Apparently he was SUPER enraged that his big sister was getting laid instead of him. So, the solution? Murder her in cold blood! Damn you, big sis! How come YOU'RE so popular with lovers?! I'll show YOU! Or maybe she was too lost in lust to take him trick-or-treating.
W: For this, Micheal was sent to a psychiatric care facility, where he would remain for the next 15 years. While there, a doctor known as Sam Loomis came to a terrifying conclusion: That Micheal was void in any humanity.
B: Yeah, DUH! Even I wouldn't be as crazy to kill someone as a kid! I was already dead inside…
W: But on October 31st, 1978, Micheal escaped. He eventually made it back to Haddonfield, Illinois, where he would hunt and murder many teens, one of them being Laurie Strode. However, in the end, after a fierce struggle, Micheal was ultimately brought down by both Laurie and Sam.
B: But then he vanished! Like a gh-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-st!
W: However, 40 years later, history would repeat itself. Micheal would go on a rampage yet again, only to be presumably killed by both Laurie, her daughter, and granddaughter.
B: Presumably, because you can never kill those serial killer bastards.
W: But this is not the only incarnation of the Shape / Boogeyman. Micheal has other versions of himself, both of which also reveal him as the brother of Laurie Strode, who herself was adopted.
B: Yeah, Rob Zombie could only do so much, but if he only knew that the best words are often left unspoken.
Micheal Myers: DIE!
B: Shut the hell up, you're not supposed to talk!
W: In one timeline, Micheal is cursed by a cult known as the Mark of Thorn. In another, he targets Laurie and her offspring 20 years after the original film.
B: Micheal possesses superhuman strength, intense durability, and can even regenerate lost tissue, since his eyes were shot out and he could still see pretty fine. And for his weapon of choice, he wields your average stabby boy: The Kitchen Knife, cause he must see teens as nothing but steaks that need to be cut.
W: Micheal has also done some supernatural feats. He survived being burned, shot, and electrocuted, established a psychic connection with his niece, Jamie, lifted a tombstone, tricked Laurie into killing an imposter of him, came back from the dead, and even FINALLY killed Laurie Strode. He even showed a rare glimpse of humanity towards Jamie by taking off his mask.
B: Oh my god, she must've been so traumatized. And you know what else? Micheal's even been in Dead by Daylight, where he sacrifices mere mortals to the all-powerful god known as the Entity.
W: Still, it seems that Micheal can only be killed by powerful explosions and decapitations. But since he is seen to survive explosions, it's safe to say that only going for the head will end his reign of terror.
B: Yeah, maybe since he's the Boogeyman, he should probably hide in closets and under beds. Maybe that's where he was in the third film.
W: However, more times than none, no matter how many times the world tries to put him down, Micheal ALWAYS seems to evade death. Nothing can stop the Shape. And no one can outrun the Boogeyman.
Micheal tilts his head as he examines a recent kill.
JASON VOORHEES:
(Main Theme - Friday the 13th)
B: They were warned. They are doomed. And on Friday the 13th, nothing will save them from a 24 hour nightmare of terror.
W: Camp Crystal Lake. Within this New Jersey summer camp, there exists a legend. 20 years ago, an ugly deformed child was constantly bullied by the local kids.
B: And ultimately, because the teen counselors were too busy banging to pay attention, that boy ended up drowning after the bullies threw him in. So, I guess they were wanted for murder, maybe?
W: Or, so the story goes. But to tell the truth, the boy lived. He was saved and kept secret by a man called Deuce Hill. He ultimately made it back to Crystal Lake, but it was too late. His mother, Pamela Voorhees, had gone mad from his presumed death, and was ultimately killed by decapitation in self-defense. Having witnessed this, that boy swore revenge.
B: And thus, a horror legend was born!
The iconic Friday the 13th sound plays.
W: This...was Jason Voorhees. After hiding his deformed face with a burlap sack, he avenged his mother with nothing but an icepick. But the bloodlust clouded his mind. He would NEVER stop...until they were all dead. Until they suffered like he and his mother did.
B: Even though he was outsmarted, he came back in Part 3 with a sweet hockey mask and machete. At long last, the legend was complete.
Jason looks in a broken mirror after putting on his mask.
B: Yeah, that looks good on you! Who needs that crappy burlap pillow sack anyway?!
W: And so, unopposed and feared throughout the entire camp, Jason continued his unrelenting killing spree. Until he met a boy known as Tommy Jarvis.
B: Wait, he met his match by the Green Power Ranger?!
W: No no no no, that was Tommy OLIVER!
B: Aw...that would've been so cool.
W: Anyway, Tommy Jarvis did the one thing no one else could. He killed Jason.
Lightning flashes.
B: HA! JUST KIDDING! He came back to life! As a z-o-o-omb-i-i-i-ie! It's alive! It's alive!
W: Thus, now superhuman, Jason continued his rampage. And ensured that his legacy would forever remain untainted.
B: Jason's freakishly strong. And the dude's both done and survived some crazy shit! He punched a dude's head clean off, survived getting a knife to the neck, literally went to hell and back, got upgraded to the badass Jason X, and also fought Freddy Kruger himself! He even competed in Mortal Kombat!
W: Jason is a pure killer, and uses whatever he has as a weapon, whether it was tools, actual weapons, the environment itself, or even his bare hands.
B: Oh yeah! He crushed a guy's head in! He's also freakishly fast, but you don't often see him doing that since he prefers to walk like a badass. And he can teleport!
W: Jason is an unstoppable brute force, and like Frankenstein's monster, he can come to life once again with some lightning. However, he CAN be fooled by people impersonating his younger self or his mother, as he kidnapped a young girl who looked just like Pamela.
B: And he's even survived getting blown to bits, and his heart hypnotized this guy into...eating it. Don't-don't think about it too much, it gets batshit confusing fast. Well, at least the mask is still co-(He sees Jason's true face) OOOOO-HOLY SHIT F***!
W: And THAT'S why he wears it.
B: He makes Darth Vader's face look normal!
W: Still, Jason has done even more supernatural feats. He's possessed many hosts, can breathe underwater, punch through solid steel, survive the vacuum of space, and is even surprisingly stealthy as well.
B: Still, Jason's a complete aquaphobic. And he can transfer his soul from victim to victim by an ugly-ass makeout session. And then the former victim becomes the Wicked Witch of the West after she takes a shower. He's even got a copycat killer! But he can't even bring himself to kill young kids.
W: By my calculations of the films, Jason has killed approximately 158 people: More than anyone else in film history.
B: Damn, he really is Momma's boy. In your face, Freddy Kruger! And dreams, too!
W: There is simply no denying it. Jason Voorhees is, without a doubt, the most deadliest killer in slasher history.
Pamela: They're here, Jason. Find them. Kill for Mommy.
THE FIGHT:
W: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the data through all possibilities! Let's end this debate once and for all!
B: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLEEEEE!
…
(The 13th Halloween - Brandon Yates)
Jason Voorhees wanders the grounds of Camp Crystal Lake. However, it feels different. Dead By Daylight's Entity lurks in the night skies above, and he can't hear the voice of his mother.
Suddenly, a girl's scream, much like Pamela's, runs through the air. Turning to the source, Jason runs through the twisted landscape of his familiar home, now one of the Entity's many Realms. Once he reaches the area, he sees a masked figure kill a girl who is hooked by slitting her throat, then tilts his head as he examines his kill. The girl looks exactly like Pamela.
As memories of his mother's death rush through Jason's mind, Micheal Myers turns to see the other masked man. Voices also begin to whisper in his mind, most likely the Entity. We also see images flash, such as the Mark of Thorn and even Cthulhu.
Lovecraftian Voice: Kill...him…
The two masked figures walk towards each other, drawing their knife and machete, until finally, they are close enough.
Terrordrome Announcer: FIGHT!
The two clash blades again and again, and Jason lands a solid blow by punching Michael in the face, with an X-Ray showing he cracked the skull. Countering, Micheal stabs Jason three times in the stomach, then a fourth time in the neck before Jason kicks him back. Looking at the wound, Jason only pulls the knife out and drops it before grabbing Michael and throwing him into a nearby cabin.
Micheal gets back up and retrieves another kitchen knife as Jason throws a table aside, breaking a lantern on it that sets the cabin on fire. Both killers are undeterred, though.
Micheal dodges a machete swipe, counters with a stab, then dodges another swipe. Still, Jason manages to grab and throw him, then drag him across the windows. All the while, Michael viciously stabs Jason, who doesn't even feel the pain. He then throws Micheal outside, where they continue their fight, both matching each other in brute strength.
Micheal is thrown back again, but when he spots a propane tank, he gets an idea. He slashes the tank with his knife, launching it like a torpedo at Jason. It lands a solid hit on Jason. Michael gets close to Jason, who recovers and walks towards him. Micheal slashes open an exposed sewer pipe, which sprays out water which stops Jason in his tracks. Micheal only stares back into the hockey mask…
And when Jason blinks, Micheal is gone.
Jason whirls around, trying to find Micheal. However, within the darkness, Micheal emerges as a shape emerging from the shadows.
He then slits Jason's throat and kicks him to the ground. After staring, he walks away as the rain starts pouring.
Suddenly, Micheal stops when lightning strikes behind him. He turns around to see Jason get back up, still alive from the lightning strike.
They continue their clash, slicing the very raindrops during the fight. Eventually, the fight takes them to a pierside, where they clash over the water. When his mask is slashed with the machete, Michael slices off Jason's fingers, making him drop the machete. Micheal takes it and begins viciously slashing at Jason, and ultimately chops Jason in the skull with his own weapon.
Still, this doesn't work on Jason, as he grabs Micheal by the neck and holds him over the water. Using this chance, Micheal uses his own strength to drag Jason into the water, where they continue their tussle.
However, despite his fear of drowning and Michael stabbing him in the head relentlessly, Jason summons all the strength he can get.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM!
Readying his machete, Jason swings it just as Micheal aims for the brain. The screen cuts to black with splotches of red.
Eventually, Jason is seen surfacing from the water and walks towards the beach, holding Micheal Myers' mask, the head still inside.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: Fatality! Jason Wins!
Letting out the iconic Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma sound, Jason throws Michael's head to the ground and watches it roll. Readying his machete, Jason looks up to the sky, where the Entity lurks, ready to challenge the malevolent being.
RESULTS:
DB Announcer: KO!
B: Looks like Mikey brought a knife to a swordfight! Or is it a machete fight?
W: Despite all of his strength and durability, Michael Myers is still just human. Jason was FAR more!
B: Micheal may be strong to lift a tombstone, but Jason's strong enough to punch someone's head off! And decapitation would be Michael's downfall, even though Jason would hesitate when he was near water.
W: So, there it is. The TRUE Killer King remains undefeated. Long may he live, and may God have mercy on any who encounter him.
B: Yeah, Micheal may be the Shape, but he's nothing but a copycat of the true OG Murderer. At least he can stalk his sister again, just like old times.
W: The winner is Jason.