A/N: Real quick refresher here - Murphy is M WFT, Carrie is F WFT, and Igrene is default Inkling.
Murphy leaned back in his chair, and sighed. Why couldn't he figure this out? He ran his hand through his hair. The problem that had plagued him since he was a little boy. What was bread so unhealthy? Why couldn't he create a bread that was healthy that people would eat? How could everything he baked possibly taste so bad?
He glared at his list of ingredients. Sure, he'd managed to make Fightness Bread, but he still hadn't been able to make something that people would consume. That was the whole point of this project. If people didn't have healthy bread to eat, it would be harder for them to be fit! Wasn't that the whole reason he'd gotten into fitness and become a Fitness Trainer? To help people make the most of their lives by helping them improve their health?
Murphy had sunk a lot of time into his Fitness Bread Project over the years. He'd learned where the find the organic ingredients needed for his bread. He'd learned new processing and baking techniques to make the bread. He'd adjusted the amounts of said ingredients multiple times and switched out more ingredients then he cared to admit. He'd failed so many times. The others thought that Fitness Bread tasted bad. Every single time. If only they'd tasted the rejected versions. If only they'd seen the versions that didn't even make it past the smell test, let alone the taste test.
There wasn't any reason for this not to work. He'd redone the recipe more times than he could count and he was sure of his baking prowess at this point. The bread should not be tasting terrible anymore! Sure, taste was a subjective thing, but when a sample size of 70+ individuals from a variety of different cultures and backgrounds adamantly described the taste as awful, it was hard to argue with them.
He needed to take a break from this. He'd even started having dreams about Fitness Bread. There was the one where Ness's birthday cake was accidentally made of fitness bread and Ness changed his birthday wish mid party to have the cake burned. They even shouted, "Burn the witch!" as Bowser incinerated the cake. Then there was the other one where the Mario Bros accidentally made ravioli with Fitness Bread dough. The less said about that one, the better. There was even that dream that a meteor made of Fitness Bread was coming to destroy the planet. Yeesh, he needed to get his mind off this. Even if the dream where he singlehandedly defeated Dracula with garlic Fightness Bread and was named an honorary Belmont was pretty sweet.
A timer went off. Murphy went out to his balcony, where his newest loaf of Fitness Bread had just finished baking in his secret toaster oven, now under the cover of several hanging plants. He'd managed to power the stove by wrapping an extension cord covertly around potted plants of his little "Yoga Garden" as he'd disguised it. Not that he didn't practice yoga there, he did, it was just that it also now housed his little secret Fitness Bread bakery. Since the kitchen was currently under 24 hr surveillance now.
He pulled out the loaf of bread and cut himself a slice. He took a bite. He winced and eventually swallowed the bite with some effort. Yeesh. That was bad. Even by his standards. His mind began to race again, trying to determine some flaw, any flaw in his creation. Gah! If only the bread…had less flavor…
Murphy stopped cold, half eaten piece of bread in his hand. He had an idea. And with that, he turned on his heel and rushed out the door.
A half an hour later, K Rool was standing near the garage door. He was feeling hungry, and he was also feeling pizza. Incidentally, so was Bowser. So here he was, waiting for old turtle shell to get to the garage.
Suddenly, the garage door burst open, and Murphy burst through at tremendous speed with two grocery bags. As he passed, K Rool noted that the bags were full of various kinds of bread. That was strange. Didn't Murphy have his own crummy bread? K Rool shrugged. Maybe he'd given up the whole Fitness Bread thing. Thankfully, he'd managed to avoid eating any Fitness Bread through strict caution, observing what had been eaten by others and waiting for their reaction to it. He'd had a few close calls so far, but his teeth had yet to sink into the "World's Worst Bread" as it was known to some.
He heard heavy footfalls behind him.
"Hey K Rool, you see Murphy rush past here just a second ago?" asked Bowser.
"Yeah. Nearly ran me over," said K Rool.
"With grocery bags full of bread," clarified Bowser.
"Yup."
"What's gotten into him?"
"No idea. Come on, let's just get our pizza."
"Fair enough. As long as the crust isn't made of Fitness Bread, right?"
"You know it!" said K Rool. If the crust of his pizza was made of Fitness Bread, he was getting the place shut down for health and safety violations.
A few minutes later, Murphy sat in his room, chewing thoughtfully on a slice of wheat bread. He put it down the package of wheat bread next to the white bread, rye bread, and the 10 grain bread.
Murphy's research had resulted in a surprising realization. Bread apparently didn't have a strong flavor. Not that he'd know, his family had always been into health and the times he'd gotten to eat bread, such as with a sandwich or in the form of garlic bread, were rare. But the lack of strong flavor fed straight into his realization. He didn't need to change the flavor into something that tasted good, he could just get rid of the flavor entirely. Murphy turned back to his recipe book. It was time to get to work.
The Next Day….
King Dedede shuffled into the kitchen, half asleep. He yawned loudly and shuffled to the refrigerator. Fox and Falco were already there, guzzling coffee down by the pint.
"Mornin, fellas," said Dedede. "Y'all drinking coffee already?"
"What else would we be doing?" asked Falco.
"Eh, fair point."
Dedede opened the fridge and rummaged through the contents.
Somebody came up behind him.
"Aye, what have we for breakfast?" asked Simon.
"Uh, let's see here," said Dedede. "Looking like we got eggs, ham and hashbrowns here. Unless y'all got something better."
"That will suffice," said Simon. "Though methinks I see a loaf of bread in the back?"
"Eh? Loaf a bread? Where?" said Dedede in alarm.
"Behind the pickles," said Simon. "May I inquire as to your cause of alarm?"
"Cause of alarm!? That could be Fitness Bread!" said Dedede. "Better pitch it. Ya'll got those fire bombs of yours on ya right?"
"Fire Bombs? Whom is to be roasted?" asked a new voice.
"Richter! I see that thou hast not overslept again. Thou hast done well," said Simon.
"Of course, Uncle Simon!" said Richter. "But tis time to eat, is it not? What stymies our breakfast?"
"Fitness Bread," said Dedede gruffly. "Ya'll don't want none of this."
"Nonsense!" said Richter. "No bread could be so foul as to not be eaten in that condition! This bread is totes still good!"
Simon sighed. "Richter, my lad, we should trust our comrade's judgement. This Fitness Bread he speaks of has plagued the refrigerator as of late. We must be wary."
Richter grabbed the bread and sniffed it. "It doth not smell foul, uncle! Surely it is wholesome!"
"Your loss," grumbled Dedede as he reached for the eggs. "Scrambled eggs, anyone?"
"Me!" said Fox and Falco at nearly the same time. In unison, they both raised their mugs and took another gulp of their coffee.
Dedede shook his head. Layabouts, the whole lot of them.
He pulled the eggs out and saw Richter put the loaf of bread on a cutting board.
"Hold yer horses, Richter! Ya'll can't be serious about eatin' that Fitness Bread!"
"Wait! Who's eating Fitness Bread?" shouted a new voice, followed by the drumming of several feet.
Dedede looked up to see Ness, followed by a few of the other kid smashers.
"Kids, ya'll about to see the world's dumbest Belmont eat a slice of obvious Fitness Bread," said Dedede. "Popcorn anyone?"
"Richter!" said Ness. "Don't do it! It's horrible beyond words!"
"Yeah! Yes it!" chimed in Popo. "Its AWFUL!"
"Yeah! I've never eaten it, but I've heard all about it!" said Igrene. The young Inkling jumped up and down, trying to get her face in the Belmont's range of vision from the back of the crowd.
Richter just grinned. "One must have some liveliment in their life! YOLO!"
And with that, he took a large bite. The whole room went silent.
"Tis bland," said Richter. "Methinks the oat bread at home hath more flavor."
"Eh? Say what?" said Dedede in surprise. Was it not Fitness Bread?
"What?!" said Ness. "Let me try!"
"Hold on now," said Fox, getting up from his chair. "Let me try it first, just to make sure."
"Ugh, all right," grumbled Ness.
Fox cut himself a slice and took a cautious bite, coffee at his elbow, just in case.
"Huh. Richter's right. It's almost flavorless. Here, I'll cut you some slices."
The kids quickly grabbed the slices of bread as they were cut. Dedede watched in surprise as they all began eating the slices of bread.
"Yeah! It's totally flavorless!" said Ness. "What kind of bread is it, though? It tastes different!"
"It's not rye, that's for sure," said Nana. "That's the kind we always get at home."
"I don't think it's white bread either," said Tetra.
"It's not banana nut bread, but I think we all knew that," said Dixie Kong. Diddy nodded in agreement.
"All right, all right, I'm gonna try this stuff," said Dedede, walking over to the loaf of bread. He cut himself a slice and sniffed it suspiciously. There was no odor. He then took a bite. Sure, it had almost no flavor, and he'd never tasted this texture of food before, but it was passable. He chewed on the rest of the slice thoughtfully.
"Eh. It's edible. Not the best bread out there, but it'll pass, I guess," said Dedede.
"YES!" screamed a voice from the pantry, causing everyone to jump in surprise.
"Eh? Murphy?" said Dedede. "What's this? Is it a trap!?"
Murphy burst out of the pantry form behind the closed door. He fell on his knees, tears streaming from his eyes.
"AT LONG LAST….FITNESS BREAD IS COMPLETE!"
"Gah! Fitness Bread? Where?" asked Falco.
"Before you!" said Murphy, pointing to the loaf of bread.
"That's Fitness Bread?" asked Popo. "No way! That doesn't taste like Fitness Bread!"
"Ah, but it is!" said Murphy. "I have reworked the recipe yet again! And this time, I have succeeded! Fitness Bread has finally reached it's final form!" He jumped to his feet and started doing the robot dance.
"What?!" said Dedede in surprise. He looked down at the loaf of bread in disbelief.
Falco jumped to his feet and rushed over to the loaf of bread. "I don't believe this!" He cut himself a slice and took a bite.
"I don't believe it! This isn't Fitness Bread!"
"Oh, but it is!" said Murphy, who was now air guitaring.
"Hey! What's all the commotion about?" asked Carrie, bursting into the kitchen. "Why is Murphy air guitaring?"
"Apparently, this is Fitness Bread," said Fox, holding up his half-eaten slice.
Carrie walked up to him, snatched it out of his hand and took a bite out of the other end.
"No way…" she said amazed.
"HAH! Even Carrie think's it's good!" crowed Murphy as he moonwalked across the kitchen.
"I mean…it's pretty tasteless…but at least it doesn't taste horrible," said Carrie.
"Yeah," agreed Fox. "I mean, it wouldn't be too bad to eat with coffee. I guess?"
"Maybe? At least it would taste like coffee then?" shrugged Falco. He dipped his piece of bread into his mug of coffee and took a bite.
"What does it taste like?" asked Tetra.
"Like coffee. In soggy bread form," said Falco.
Fox grinned. "Ahhh! Coffee never fails!"
Dedede rolled his eyes. Simon cut himself a slice and tasted it.
"Verily, it doth have little flavor. But tis healthy is it not?"
"Of course it is!" crowed Murphy, now doing figure 8 sways. "Anything I make is certified healthy!"
"I mean, doesn't that go for both you and Carrie?" asked Falco. "Personal trainers and all?"
"Well yes, but…uh, Carrie, are you ok?" asked Murphy, finally stopping dancing. Carrie was just staring at the loaf of bread, dumbfounded.
"I…never thought I'd see the day…" muttered Carrie. "I…don't believe it…"
"Oh, come on! I'm your own twin brother!" protested Murphy. "Have some faith in me!"
Wario rounded the corner into the kitchen. He looked around in confusion.
"What's-a going on here?"
"Behold! My greatest creation!" said Murphy.
"Eh? Don't tell me that's that Fitness Bread crap again! Guys like me need to maintain our weight! None of that diet nonsense! And anyway, isn't it poisonous?"
"It just tastes bad…" said Popo.
"Bah, so why'd you make more?" asked Wario.
"It no longer tastes bad!" said Murphy. "Try some!"
"Eh, sure, why not. It's free, right?" said Wario.
"Of course!" Murphy cut Wario a slice and handed it to him. Wario took a bite.
"Hey! This tastes like nothing!" said Wario. "Ah! I know!"
He reached into his pocket and produced a bottle chocolate syrup and poured a bunch of chocolate syrup on the bread. He wolfed it down in one bite.
"Wahaha! Much better! Thanks Murphy!"
Wario sauntered out with a spring in his step. Murphy just stared, jaw slack. Everybody else was absolutely silent.
"HEY! THAT'S NOT HOW FITNESS BREAD WORKS!"
As I'm sure you've guessed from the title, this is meant to be the last Fitness Bread. It's been a fun series to write, but to be completely honest, I'm out of ideas for this, so I thought I'd send it out with a hopefully satisfying conclusion. Fear not, if you're looking for more Murphy action, Fitness Bread, Library of Moments (yeah, I need to update that one sooner than later), and Echoes of Battles Past share the same universe. So, he'll be showing up there from time to time in those fics.
Well, I think that's all there is to say, and I think its time to close out this series!
Puph 17, singing out!