OPENING SEQUENCE:
Wiz: Xiao Po Ping, the Dragon Warrior.
Boomstick: And Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, the Dragon Master.
Wiz: These two are the legendary icons of Dreamworks' franchise, each with three incredible tales.
Boomstick: Aside from the talking animals and green meme ogre. Both have something to do with dragons, but only one can be the Dragon Champion!
Wiz: Thus, another battle between East and West begins.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
FIGHTER 1: PO
Boomstick: Legend tells of a Dragon Warrior so skilled and deadly in martial arts, that his foes would go blind from overexposure to pure awesomeness. A fighter of unrivaled power, wisdom, and rotundity.
Wiz: This is Xiao Po Ping, a panda born in the Valley of Peace. For the longest time, this valley only knew, well, peace.
Boomstick: But everything changed when Gary Oldman the Peacock and his army attacked.
Wiz: Lord Shen received a prophecy saying his conquest would be stopped by a warrior of black and white. A panda.
Boomstick: So, in a fit of paranoia, Shen decided to GENOCIDE EVERY PANDA IN EXISTENCE! Forcing Po's mom to part with her baby as he Moses'd away in a radish box. Geez, we got real dark with the sequel, huh?
Wiz: After some... obligatory trauma, Po was taken in by a literal father goose named Ping.
Boomstick: With his expert guidance, Po trained day and night to be... a waiter at a noodle restaurant. Not the hardline warrior life I was expecting.
Wiz: It was Po's dream to be a martial artist, he idolized all things kung-fu, going so far as to make action figures of his heroes, the Furious Five.
Boomstick: Heh heh, nerd.
Wiz: However, he never expected to have the chance to actually explore that dream, until the day of the Dragon Ceremony where Master Oogway would select a chosen one to lead a new era of kung-fu as the Dragon Warrior.
Boomstick: And to the shock of everyone, Master Oogway chose him. Talk about a freak accident.
Wiz: There are no accidents, Boomstick. Despite some setbacks, Po was actually quite gifted. He just needed the right motivation, a carrot on a stick.
Boomstick: Or more accurately, a dumpling.
Wiz: Next to the Furious Five, Po experienced the classic Xiaolin animal styles which are actual practiced martial arts. Tiger Style uses furious combos, Monkey Style has unpredictable acrobatics, Mantis Style uses fast strikes, Viper Style implements fluid movements, and Crane Style is all about sweeping hits.
Boomstick: But none of them suited Po. So he made his own. You guessed it, Panda Style.
Wiz: Which is sort of inspired by the real world Dragon Style, but mostly based around using his roundness for defense. Wearing down enemies until he gets an opening.
Boomstick: His body can stop just about anything: falls, pressure point attacks, and even a club to the face.
(We cut to Wiz and Boomstick)
Boomstick: When he isn't overwhelming you with his pure fatness, Po can launch a Hadoken with the Thundering Wind Hammer, immobilize foes with Paralyzing Shoulder Touch and blind you with the Golden Lotus Clap!
(Wiz puts on sunglasses and Boomstick performs the move, only to get blinded.)
Boomstick: Oh god, it's like looking into the sun!
Wiz: (takes off sunglasses) But you have to be careful or you could blind yourself with it.
Boomstick: What?! Why wasn't that at the beginning of the instructions?! We never saw Po do this in the movies!
(As Wiz continues talking, Boomstick stumbles around completely blind and hits several objects offscreen)
Wiz: Po has been in much more than movies, like TV shows, where he picked up a lot of new powers. Such as the Hero's Chi, a life force passed onto a chosen every generation.
Boomstick: This Shonen power-up lets Po counter mind-control, shoot beams of energy, and make a giant dragon construct that devours pretty much anything.
Wiz: And of course, possessing the Hero's Chi makes Po comparable to previous owners of it.
Boomstick: Including the Black Tortoise, who was powerful enough to stop this huge meteor from hitting Earth! Po even defeated this dude who absorbed the collective Chi of the greatest fighters across China!
Wiz: Po's achievements gave him the admiration of his peers, but his journey to becoming a legend wasn't easy.
Boomstick: Yeah, big shocker, the orphaned panda Dragon Warrior raised by a goose in a noodle shop had a bit of an identity crisis. But through it all, Po proved he can hang with the best of them.
Wiz: He can evade lightning blasts, chuck a hammer into low orbit, and once cleared an entire cloud formation with just the flex of his pinky.
Boomstick: This is his signature technique: The Wuxi Finger Hold, a move that warps anyone caught in it to the Spirit Realm!
Wiz: Aka, the afterlife. No really, characters who have canonically died can be found here. And even should Po be unable to complete the hold, he can always use it on himself to bring his target to the Spirit Realm with him.
Boomstick: But despite the Spirit Realm being the afterlife and all that, death isn't always permanent. I mean, thanks to Po's Chi mastery, he can travel back home no problem!
Wiz: And eventually, he overcame the tragedy of his past and found his Inner Peace. In this state of mind, Po has an immense amount of focus, enough to catch cannonballs!
Boomstick: A trick that proved handy when it came time to defeat that asshole, Gary Oldman, who killed his mom. You show him, Jack Black. Er, um...Po.
Wiz: Po now stands ready to teach the next generation, alongside his original father. Who...apparently survived. Head and all.
Boomstick: What a nice ending...
Wiz: After mastering Chi, returning from the Spirit Realm, and saving all of China, Po has finally realized who he truly is.
Po: I am...the Dragon Warrior. Get it? See the giant dragon? (laughing)
FIGHTER 2: HICCUP
Wiz: This...is Berk. Twelve days north of Hopeless, a few degrees south of Freezing to Death, and located right on the Meridian of Misery, this wet heap of rock is home to a tribe of Viking Warriors known as the Hairy Hooligans.
Boomstick: Wait, wait, wait. Hopeless? Freezing to Death? Who the hell came up with those names?
Wiz: Apparently, the Vikings did. Berk's village has great fishing, hunting, and a charming view of the sunsets, but there's just one problem. Pests. But while most places have mice or mosquitoes, Berk had something entirely different.
Boomstick: Berk had DRAGONS! Freaking dragons that they had to fight! And you thought OUR exterminators had a tough job!
Wiz: The Hooligans battled against several kinds of dragons when the winged creatures raided their village: the spiny Deadly Nadder, the two-headed Hideous Zippleback, the lava-barfing Gronckle, and the fiery Monstrous Nightmare.
Boomstick: Hey, did that dragon just light itself on fire?! That's just like me after I had too many tacos.
Wiz: But one dragon was always unseen and feared among all the rest. One that struck quickly and retreated into the shadows.
Boomstick: This shadowy beast never stole food, never showed itself, and never missed.
Wiz: Thus, the Hairy Hooligans named this unseen dragon the Night Fury. The unholy offspring of lightning and death itself. Even the mention of its name was enough to strike fear into the heart of a seasoned Viking.
Boomstick: They were so scared of this thing, they said the only way to kill it is simple: By not freaking fighting it at all! They simply just say to hide and wait until it's gone! Well, that and hope it doesn't find you. Then you're pretty much dead.
Wiz: But one seemingly-useless Viking who wished to prove himself to his people made it his goal to bring the beast down. This...was Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, the son of chief Stoick the Vast.
Boomstick: (chuckles) What was his old man thinking, Wiz?
Wiz: Yeah, it wasn't really the best in terms of supposedly-intimidating Viking names. But Hiccup had something most Vikings didn't, his smarts. With a mobile bola launcher he invented while stuck as a lowly blacksmith apprentice, he sought out his one chance and took it. Much to his surprise, he actually managed to bring down the mighty beast.
Boomstick: I'll be damned. That little fishbone did it!
Wiz: But when Hiccup went to finish the job, he saw something in the Night Fury's eyes. Something he never thought he would see in a dragon: Fear.
Boomstick: Aww… poor little murder machine.
Wiz: So instead of killing the dragon, Hiccup spared it and cut it free. After some observations, he noticed the Night Fury was missing a tailfin from his bola, thus rendering its ability to fly. Hiccup worked to gain the dragon's trust, and he eventually succeeded. He formed a bond with the dragon, forged a prosthetic tail to help him fly again, and gave the not-so-fearsome dragon a name: Toothless.
Boomstick: Even though he really did have teeth. And with the power of friendship, they showed the entire village that people and dragons could get along…even if they had to kill a giant dragon and it cost Hiccup a leg. Thankfully, not an arm either. Still, he managed to form the first team of Dragon Riders, consisting of all his friends.
Wiz: Still, there would be times when allies, human or dragon, wouldn't be reliable to help, so Hiccupy carries a few other weapons and gear as well.
Boomstick: He's got fireproof Dragon Scale Armor, a flight suit for solo flying, a shield-crossbow-grapple-bola launcher-catapult hybrid made of super durable Gronckle Iron, and his trusty sword, Inferno. Why is it called Inferno? Because IT'S A FREAKING FIRE SWORD! OHOHOHO, THAT IS AWESOME!
(We cut to Wiz and Boomstick, with Boomstick eagerly trying out Inferno. After shaking the hilt and managing to ignite it, he swings it around and figures out its abilities)
Wiz: Well, the fire doesn't just shoot out on its own. The sword's blade is actually retractable. But swinging Inferno around isn't the only thing Hiccup can do with it. By placing a small canister of Monstrous Nightmare saliva inside the hilt, Hiccup is able to coat the blade with the substance so that when ignited, it produces replicated dragon fire. And by placing a small canister of Hideous Zippleback gas, which also works like a blowtorch or a flamethrower using the sword, inside the hilt, Hiccup is able to release the gas through the pommel and ignite it to create an explosion. Inferno also possesses two lighters to create sparks; each at opposite ends of the hilt. One is used to ignite the Nightmare saliva while the other is used to ignite the Hideous Zippleback gas.
(Boomstick accidentally releases the Zippleback gas and coughs)
Boomstick: Oh god, this stuff smells horrible!
(He bats at the flames, still holding an ignited Inferno. There is a loud explosion, and Boomstick is later seen in smoke and ashes)
Boomstick: (coughs) I'm okay…(he faints) Less okay...
Wiz: However, Hiccup isn't very strong on his own, leading him to avoid conflict at all costs and seek peaceful resolutions. He's not much of a fighter anyway, because...look at him! Mostly, he fights in defense, and when he's with his friends, and most importantly, Toothless.
Boomstick: Sorry, but we don't allow help. That's a big nerf, and Hiccup could barely even LIFT a heavy weapon when he was fifteen! You think this is gonna be a stomp?
Wiz: Far from likely, actually. Hiccup can hold his own in a fight, as he is capable of throwing a punch hard enough to knock teeth out, but only for so long. On the plus side, he has expert precision, incredible reflexes, and he can use his ingenuity and brains to think of quick strategies, aside from having a vast knowledge on all of the world's dragons.
Boomstick: Oh great, ANOTHER nerd!
Wiz: He's also got quite the endurance, since the Hairy Hooligans always have a habit of "not dying when they're supposed to".
Boomstick: Duh. They're Vikings! Hiccup got struck right in the head with a huge bolt of lightning… and woke up the next morning completely fine!
Wiz: Still, Hiccup has one more weapon that can be used both to his advantage and disadvantage. His leg.
Boomstick: What, so he's an expert kicker?
Wiz: No, his prosthetic leg.
Boomstick: Oh yeah, that leg. Well, it may not be as fancy and hi-tech as Wiz's arm, but the metal leg is strong enough to break metal chains, immune to pain and paralysis, and he can even take it off at times! But without it, he can't walk properly and is left vulnerable. Oh, and it's weak to magnets. Good thing my leg's a shotgun. That's not magnetic! This guy has cooked up so many gadgets and gizmos, I'm surprised he didn't lead his people into an early Renaissance. Y'know, because he's WAY ahead of his time.
Wiz: Physical weaknesses aside, Hiccup still has some mental weaknesses. For starters, he often fears that without Toothless, he was incapable of leading his people. He also worries that he will never be as good as his father once was in terms of leadership, leading him to fail Berk and all he knows. And as stated before, he's not a very good fighter on his own.
Boomstick: But with some convincing from his hot blonde girlfriend and future wife, he managed to overcome those fears and both help bring down the tyrannical dragon kaiju alpha and save his best bud from an evil version of himself. Not-not literally, though.
Wiz: Just goes to show that, with or without dragons, the people of Berk are grateful that they are being led by someone who's not a hiccup, but a hero.
Boomstick: Which is not confusing at all! I guess not all Vikings are bad, though! Good job, kid! You've earned that family. You're a good dad. (sniffs) A good dad…
Hiccup: Oh sure, they have armies, and they have armadas . . . But we . . . we have . . . our dragons!
THE BATTLE:
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the data through all possibilities! Let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLEEEEEEE!
…
(Dragon Dreams - Brandon Yates)
Within the Great Hall, Hiccup, clad in his Dragon Scale Armor, is alone as he continues to jot down more areas he and Toothless explored during their adventures. Suddenly, the hall's main doors swing open as a golden light shines in and a gong is heard. The wind is enough to get Hiccup's attention and he turns.
A round silhouette is shown, with a bamboo hat, staff and cape, which blows in the wind.
Hiccup: What?
The figure only stands awesomely...until his hat is blown off. His cape then flies over his face, and mumbles are heard as he tries to get it off, and the figure then falls backwards down the stairs. The young Viking only flinches in embarrassment.
Hiccup: Oh…
Hiccup approaches the doors and looks down at the stairs. A few minutes pass and the figure is then seen climbing back up, exhausted.
Po: Ha! Oof! (He groans as he gets back to the top.) Phew! So…(pants) So... many...stairs…
Hiccup is then able to clearly see Po.
Hiccup: A...talking bear? Who...are you?!
Po: Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior…(lets out another exhausted gasp)
Hiccup: Dragon...Warrior? Never heard that before.
Po: Heard that my awesome legends hadn't gotten to these parts. That and I, uh, kinda got lost. But after I heard about you, fellow Dragon buddy, I was eager to see what you could do.
Hiccup: Well, I'm more of a trainer than a fighter…
Po: Trainer?! Oh-ho-ho! You mean you can teach me some new insanely awesomely cool kung-fu moves?!
Hiccup: Kung...what? Uh, no, I'm not that kind of-
Po: Aw yeah, here we go!
He charges and lands a belly flop on Hiccup, sending him crashing against a wall.
Hiccup: (groans) Oh great…
DB Announcer: FIGHT!
Hiccup grabs a nearby sword and begins striking, with Po easily blocking the attacks before landing a few fast attacks. Hiccup goes for a kick with his prosthetic leg, but Po intercepts it with a punch...and stumbles back, shaking his hand in pain.
Po: Ah-hahaha-how! You've been kicking ironwood trees or something?
Hiccup: Nah, just the advantages of a metal leg.
Po: You have a metal leg?! That is awesome-yah!
In his amazed state, Po is left wide open for a poke with the sword's hilt, but retaliates with swift Panda Style combos. Landing successful strikes on Hiccup, he hits Hiccup's face with an open palm and somersaults to land a split kick, stunning Hiccup.
Po: Dragon Strike!
Po lands a hard punch, ultimately knocking Hiccup away. The chief rolls along the floor and manages to recover.
Po: Sasha-Booey!
He launches a Thunderwing Wind Hammer, and Hiccup rolls to dodge it. Albeit stunned, Hiccup grabs his nearby shield and blocks another before throwing the shield at Po, who catches it.
Po: Ooo, what's this?
The shield's catapult function activates and whacks him in the face.
Po: Ow!
He falls to the ground, with Hiccup managing to grab the shield. He converts it to Crossbow Mode and fires a bola at Po, but he gets back up and it bounces off his fat belly and knocks Hiccup in the face.
Hiccup: This guy's as fat as a Gronckle! Alright then…
Hiccup gets out Inferno and ignites it. At the sight of this, Po gasps excitedly.
Po: You have a sword made of fire?! THAT IS SO AWESOME!
Hiccup only puts on his helmet and charges. Po easily dodges the strikes, even blocking the blade and bouncing Hiccup back. He then notices that his hand is on fire and begins running around yelling before stuffing it in his mouth. However, once Hiccup was knocked down, Inferno accidentally touched the wooden floor and a wall of fire separates the two combatants.
Po: Uh, okay, I got this!
Before he can put out the fire with a Golden Lotus Clap, he sees Hiccup get back up and walk through the fire harmlessly. Rather than be intimidated, Po is only excited even more.
Po: WOAH! You're fireproof?!
Hiccup only unleashes some Zippleback Gas, and Po coughs.
Po: Geez! I know it wasn't ME that cut the cheese!
He then notices the sparks getting lit up.
Po: Uh oh…
The explosion sends him out of the Great Hall, and Po yells as he tumbles down the stairs, rolling like a ball. Steering himself, he bounces off the huts and redirects himself as Hiccup glides out of the Great Hall and looks around. Po is launched upward, using a wheelbarrow as a ramp.
Hiccup: What the-OOF!
Po slams into him and both come to a stop in the Berk Dragon Training Academy. Hiccup only groans as he gets back up. Meanwhile, the ruckus has stirred all the dragons at the Academy, who notice Po and roar. The Dragon Warrior yelps as he notices a purple Deadly Nadder approach him.
Hiccup: Oh no! (groans) If only I had Toothless right now!
The Nadder charges, but Po stands ready.
Po: Wa-Ha!
He dodges the Nadder's bite and easily uppercuts it back. The dragon roars and prepares to breathe fire.
Po: Oh no you don't! Golden Lotus Clap!
The blinding light stuns the dragon, but Hiccup is blinded as well. The Nadder then flies off, with Po then continuing the fight.
Po: Thundering Wind Hammer!
Still blinded, Hiccup is hit by the attack. He stumbles back up, but Po blocks a blind Inferno swing and grabs a punching arm, readying the Wuxi Finger Hold. Hiccup then regains his sight.
Hiccup: Hey bud, w-what are you doing?
Po: Skadoosh.
A golden flash of light fills the area, and when Hiccup regains his sight once more, he sees himself in the Spirit Realm.
Hiccup: What?! Where am I?! Is this...Valhalla?
Po: Call it what ya like, Dragon Master. Gotta say, that weapon of yours is pretty sweet.
Donning his Dragon Warrior outfit, Po conjures his Yin-Yang Staff as his Chi Dragon construct appears behind him. Hiccup is in shock over this.
Hiccup: Woah...what is that?! Some kind of new dragon? I've...never seen one like that before! How did you bond and train with this thing?!
Po: Train the dragon? I am the dragon.
He then charges, with Hiccup following. Golden staff and fire sword clash awesomely as the energy can be seen pulsing out through the Spirit Realm, with a faint roar similar to Toothless' being heard. Some islands smash apart thanks to the immense Chi, showing Dreamstones.
Hiccup: I hoped you'd learn it differently, but taking on the chief of Berk was nothing but an accident!
Po: Oh please. There are no accidents!
Po blocks a strike and kicks Hiccup away, drawing a Chinese kanji out of chi. He launches it at Hiccup, who rolls to the side and blocks another kanji with his shield. He closes the distance with a sprint, connecting Inferno with Po's staff.
The clashes are fierce, and even though Hiccup is knocked back, he finds a bow with some arrows and takes them, opening fire. Po easily deflects the arrows, and even has his dragon construct eat some. Next, Hiccup glides to a floating chunk of rock and pushes it towards Po with a double kick. Po only conjures a yin-yang shield to break the rock apart.
Hiccup: Okay...what would Astrid do?
He readies both his sword and shield, mask donned, as Po enters his Dragon Construct.
Hiccup: Here I come!
Po: Oh yeah! Get ready to feel the thunder!
He flies at Hiccup, who charges and manages to slide and swings Inferno at the dragon's underside, which does nothing.
Hiccup: What?!
Po: (laughs) That tickled!
He goes around for another dive, snapping his teeth. Hiccup manages to land on the construct's back, and is forced to hang on as Po makes the dragon do tight turns and bucks. Po makes Hiccup hit a rock formation, and he is sent tumbling until he grabs the dragon by the tail. Po then makes the dragon do a downward tail flip, sending Hiccup falling onto an island with buildings similar to the Valley of Peace and Berk.
Po: Dragon Crush!
He has the Chi Dragon fly right towards Hiccup, who braces with his shield as the construct smashes into him. Still stubborn, Hiccup gets back up, readying his weapons.
Hiccup: Alright, bud! Time to finish this!
Po: Oh yeah! Prepare to taste justice!
Po channels his Chi and throws a golden projectile similar to Toothless' plasma, and Hiccup easily blocks it. The two then clash weapons once more, as above them, Chi Constructs of a white Eastern Dragon and a black Western Dragon (resembling Po's Chi Construct and Toothless respectively), also begin to duke it out. Finally, with yells of determination, both panda and viking ready what seem to be fatal strikes.
Hiccup: HAAAAA!
Po: SKADOOSH!
We don't see the two land their hits, but the island they are on explodes upon the immense contact, as both dragons fade away. When the light fades, the island is left in a similar shape of a crescent moon, with lotus petals floating about. Finally, we see Po as the sole victor, with no trace of Hiccup. He is laying on the island ruins, exhausted, with his staff in a similar stance to the fishing boy's rod.
Po: Phew! Wow! Man, that was AWESOME! Right, master? Master?
He then notices the damage he accidentally caused to the Spirit Realm.
Po: Uuuuhhhh…...oops?
RESULTS:
DB Announcer: KO!
Boomstick: Such a legendary showdown of dragon legends. Well, we'll always have the memories.
Wiz: Both were iconic and strong in their own ways, and they both often had help from friends. However, this was more crucial to Hiccup then it was to Po. Hiccup may have been able to hold his own, but he wasn't very strong by himself.
Boomstick: And they both had some wicked endurance. Hiccup survived getting struck by lightning and being frozen by this massive Bewilderbeast, but Po, who could dodge lightning, managed to survive getting this huge island slammed into him AND falling down the many many stairs of the Jade Palace! He even survived Tai Lung's axe kick that made this crater upon impact, let alone being immune to his pressure point attacks, which easily worked on the Furious Five!
Wiz: Even if Hiccup was fighting alongside Toothless in this battle, it may be a guarantee that Po would still win, since his Chi Dragon Construct also gives him the ability to fly and most likely keep up with a Night Fury's speed. He could even possibly catch Toothless' plasma and throw it right back!
Boomstick: At least the fight of our Dreams worked out and didn't Drag-on!
Wiz: The winner is Po.