"What the hell is this?"
Vaggie had just completed a routine search of Angel's room at the Hazbin Hotel and was now confronting him the lobby. The rest of the staff – Charlie, Alastor, Niffty, and Husk – looked on as she held up a small bag of white powder.
Angel looked the object over. "Would you believe me if I told you it was baking soda?"
"That depends. Does baking soda happen to be a new street name for PCP?"
"Not that I know of. Not that it would matter since that's actually cocaine."
Vaggie let out a roar of anger and hurled the bag at Charlie, who awkwardly caught it. "This is the third piece of contraband we've found this week!" she screamed. "First it was that switchblade, then that porno magazine-"
"To be fair, that issue wasn't as explicit as the cover promised."
"This is a place for rehabilitation! That means no weapons, no pornography, and absolutely no drugs!"
"Except prescription! Which that just so happens to be."
"Prescrip- who the fuck would give you a prescription for cocaine?"
"Oh, there's this pharmacist on Beelzebub Street who died in the 1870s. Gives this stuff out like baby aspirin. Difference is, aspirin can't get you high; believe me, I've tried."
"You son of a-"
"Okay!" Charlie said, stepping between the two of them. "Okay! Let's just all calm down now. So Angel, despite technically being prescription, we'll still have to confiscate this, obviously. Sorry about that. And we also have to give you a penalty for breaking the rules. How about… um..."
"How about kicking him out on the street?" Vaggie suggested.
"Vaggie!" Charlie said. "We can't kick someone out of rehab just because they had a relapse!"
"Well, can't we at least institute a three strikes policy?" Vaggie asked. "Or maybe a five strikes policy? Ten strikes? For fuck's sake, Charlie, he's clearly not taking this seriously!"
"I'd object, but she's pretty much right on," Angel said.
Vaggie flipped him the bird.
Charlie turned back to Angel. "We're not going to make you leave," she said, "but you do have to face consequences for your actions. So… um... no dessert with dinner tonight!"
"Oh, gosh, no dessert? Oh, well, I guess that's what I deserve." It wasn't apparently whether Angel was being sarcastic or attempting to act disappointed, but either way, it was clear he wasn't being sincere.
Vaggie glared at Charlie.
"Er… no dessert for a week?"
Vaggie continued to glare.
"Er… and TV privileges are restricted to one hour a night! Or one movie a night. Since, you know, movies are typically longer than an hour and it wouldn't be fair to make you only watch half a movie."
Vaggie pushed past Charlie and got up in Angel's face. "You're damned lucky my girlfriend's so nice."
"I'll bet she is," Angel said, waggling an eyebrow.
"Wha- not like that, you pig!"
"Hmmph. You know, I don't think Nuggets would appreciate you using his species as an insult like that."
"You're right; I don't think any actual pig could be as disgusting as you!"
"Okay! Okay!" Charlie said, stepping between them again. "Now, look, Angel's punishment has been decided, all right? So there's no reason to keep this conversation going."
Vaggie growled. "Just know that if it were up to me, you'd be gone in a nanosecond," she said.
"Well, good thing it's not up to you, then," Angel said.
"Yes… extremely good… for you." She took deep breath and headed for the stairs. "I think I'm going to try and blow off some steam. Which for me, unlike some some people, doesn't involve narcotics."
"And I'm gonna use my movie privileges to watch Scarface," Angel said. "The good version, where the guy's Italian and not some Hispanic."
Vaggie spun around. "What, you got some problem with Hispanics?"
"Well, I know one Hispanic that I've-"
"Would you just go already!?" Charlie shouted.
The two of them shot one last dirty look at each other before storming up to their rooms via separate staircases. Charlie was left standing the middle of the lobby, frazzled by the incident.
Alastor approached. "Well, this has been fun, but I'm afraid I've got other matters I need to attend to at the moment," he said. "I should be back in a couple days. I trust everything will operate just as dysfunctionally in my absence. Ta-ta!" He began to depart, but turned back suddenly. "Incidentally, when I said this has been fun, I wasn't being ironic; I sincerely enjoyed watching those two quarrel. It was exhilarating how upset they were. Well, toodles!"
Charlie watched him leave, then went over to the bar where Husk and Niffty were and sat down. Husk wordlessly poured her her usual – a cup of cranberry juice – which Charlie took but didn't drink.
"So," Niffty said, "when you said no dessert for a week, did you mean for everyone or just Miss Angel?"
Charlie groaned and slumped her head on the counter.
"What kind of dumb question is that?" Husk said to Niffty. "She obvious just meant the latter! Now look how upset your stupidity made her!"
"No, no, it's not that," Charlie said, glancing up a little. "It's just… this entire hotel idea is much more stressful than I imagined it would be. Like, Angel can be a pain sometimes, but Vaggie constantly snapping at him isn't helping either." She sighed. "I just wish they got along better, you know?"
"Yeah, I feel ya," Husk said.
Charlie perked her head up. "Philia," she said. "That's it!"
"Come again?"
"Razzle! Dazzle!" Charlie said, addressing her valets. "Go to my room and fetch my copy of "Recipes for Disaster: 300 Potions to Assert Your Will or Cause Chaos."
The duo gave a salute and raced off.
"I'm sorry, what?" Husk said.
"It was a gift from my dad for my 73rd birthday," Charlie explained. "Don't worry about the title; the potions can also be used for good! Presumably."
Husk and Niffty exchanged a glance of uncertainty.
The animated goat plushies returned carrying a fairly large tome. "Thank you," Charlie said, taking the book and flipping through it. "Now, what section were the love potions in?"
"Love potions?" Husk said. "Wait, for Vaggie and Angel?"
"You want your lesbian girlfriend to fall in love with a gay guy?" Niffty asked.
"Of course not," Charlie said. "But love doesn't just mean, well, love. Haven't you guys ever read C. S. Lewis?"
The two stared blankly.
"Oh, right," she said. "My dad banned all his work after the Screwtape incident. So the gist of it is, you have eros, romantic love; storge, familial love; agape, love and compassion towards people as a whole; and philia, love between good friends. That final one is what we want. A-ha!" She had located the right section. "See? Friendship potion. That should work. Let's check that we have all the ingredients. Ready, Husk?"
"What? Oh, yeah, ready," Husk said.
"Okay- pineapple juice."
"Check," Husk said, pulling a bottle out from under the counter.
"Cocoa powder."
"Check."
"Squid ink."
"Check."
"Raccoon blood."
"Check."
"Incubus sweat."
"Check."
"Wow, this is a really well-stocked bar."
"Well," Husk said with a shrug, "the Radio Demon provides the best."
"It also says we also need some hair from each of the two people we want to affect."
"Ooh! Here you go!" Niffty said, holding up two tufts of hair.
"I'm not going to question why you have those," Charlie said.
"I have locks of all you guys' hair."
"We really should question why she has those," Husk said.
"Later," Charlie said. "Let's get this potion mixed first."