The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out somewhere. Just a thought that ran through my head after the events of Caught Napping. It's easy to bash Lana but there are two sides to every story…
The Poster Girl Of Mommy Shaming
Mallory was hanging out at the bar of the Swiss hotel. Lana walked in. "How's AJ?" Mallory asked concerned.
"Sound asleep," Lana told her as she sat down. "She seems okay. Considering she was held hostage. Robert and I are going to be with her for the weekend before sending her back. But not after Robert and I had a serious talk with the school board."
"I was wondering where you were the past few hours," Mallory remarked as she took a drink. "And why Pam was watching AJ."
"Robert browbeat the school into cutting AJ's tuition down by fifty percent," Lana told her. "And there will be some severe upgrades into the school security system."
"Good," Mallory sniffed. "It's the least they could do for dropping the ball. How did Peregrine get to AJ anyway?"
"Turns out Peregrine went to school with the vice principal," Lana groaned as she got a hot toddy. "Who is now so fired!"
"Figures," Mallory sighed. "AJ wants to go back?"
"She loves her school," Lana sighed. "And her little friends. She can't wait to tell everybody of her little adventure. Apparently, all the cool kids at school get kidnapped at least once."
"Then why do you look like she just kicked you in the kneecaps and told you she's off to join the Bolsheviks?" Mallory asked.
"Oh…" Lana sighed. "First of all, Archer was pouting again about AJ considering Robert her dad."
"What were you supposed to do?" Mallory asked. "I love Sterling but let's be honest, a stable father figure he is not. I mean we're talking about a man who knocked up a hooker and tattooed his name on the baby!"
"And the other one was some of the snarky comments I got from one of the teachers at the school," Lana sighed. "Saying I put my daughter in danger. That as her mother I should have been there for her. It took me two minutes to get her fired too."
"Good for you!" Mallory nodded and she took a drink.
"Yeah but…" Lana sighed. "She might have had a point. Did I really just send AJ away so she'd be out of the way? Was I really being selfish and acting like…? Uh…"
"Let me guess," Mallory raised an eyebrow. "Me?"
"Cheryl may have made a Mallory Jr. comment," Lana winced.
"Lana listen to me," Mallory sighed. "I know what it's like to second guess your decisions about your child. Believe me. I know. But you honestly did what you thought was best for AJ. And I know you think you're like me but you're not. Our situations are totally different."
"How is it different?" Lana asked.
"Well for starters," Mallory paused. "You can't get fired today for having a child out of wedlock. Which happened to me. Twice."
"Oh," Lana paused.
"Day care wasn't exactly a thing back then," Mallory sighed. "That's why I created my own spy agency. Spying was all I knew and I didn't want to be tied down to some man. I had to make money somehow. And not too many people were hiring women back then. Single women had it tough enough. If you had a kid, forget it!"
"That sucks," Lana said.
"Tell me about it," Mallory waved. "But if you were a man who knocked up a half dozen secretaries…Nobody said a word! Talk about your double standards!"
"Creeps," Lana grumbled as she drank some hot toddy.
"Worse than creeps," Mallory told her. "They're the type that give creeps a bad name. Anyway, I had to hide away Sterling for any chance of a career. And when people found out about him I had to make up a fake dead husband."
"What's the other reason?"
"AJ actually likes her school," Mallory told her. "And she's an excellent student. Sterling was already kicked out of two schools by the time he was AJ's age."
"She is at the top of her class," Lana sighed.
"AJ is a very smart child. She would have been bored in a regular school," Mallory waved.
"Yes, but there are schools in New York," Lana sighed. "I could have put her in one of those. And don't say anything about sending her away would make AJ safe because we all know that's a load of…"
"Lana you had no way of knowing what Peregrine was capable of," Mallory interrupted her. "We both researched the hell out of that school and we thought it was the best security wise as well as academia wise. For God's sake prime ministers, royalty, sheiks and mobsters send their kids there. You can't beat yourself up for that. Especially since you did such a good job on Peregrine."
"I still feel guilty," Lana sighed.
"Welcome to the never-ending rodeo known as Motherhood," Mallory said. "You think I don't feel guilty about the choices I made with Sterling? God looking back on it now, maybe leaving him with a heroin addicted valet was not the smartest move I could have made?"
"You think?" Lana asked. "Not that I'm much better."
"What are you supposed to do Lana?" Mallory looked at her. "Bring AJ to the office? With these drugged-up idiots around? That's like Woodhouse Squared. Not to mention the bullets that tend to fly around the place."
"You have a point," Lana sighed. "And leaving her around Cheryl…No. Not a good idea."
"Gunfire and a glued-up idiot," Mallory went on. "Yeah that's a safe and wholesome environment for a child!"
"But maybe letting AJ go to school in New York…?" Lana began.
Mallory interrupted speaking in a mock child's voice. "On today's Show and Tell, my Aunt Pam is going to eat a whole pie while hitting on a male teacher. Uncle Krieger is going bring in a flesh eating radioactive pig. Uncle Cyril will be having a nervous breakdown while my Uncle Ray talks about fashion. And Aunt Cheryl will burn the school down because the teacher won't give her any glue!"
Lana paused. "You have a point."
"Remember her preschool graduation?" Mallory asked.
"I wish I didn't," Lana groaned.
"Trust me. Having AJ go to school as far away as possible from those idiots is the best thing you can do for her education," Mallory remarked. "And her social life."
Lana blanched. "I just had a thought of Archer going to AJ's school."
"Let me guess," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "He was drunk and hitting on the teacher?"
"And not wearing pants," Lana winced. "Now I'm reconsidering the decision I was reconsidering."
"Here's another thing," Mallory told her. "AJ has two fathers in her life which is a lot more than Sterling ever had. And you made sure that AJ knew that Sterling existed. That says a lot in my book."
"I'm not sure she knows Archer is her biological father," Lana paused.
"The fact that she's heard you call Sterling a sperm delivery device indicates otherwise," Mallory paused. "I'm not saying that it isn't true…"
"Thanks…" Lana sighed. "It really does help to talk to you about stuff like this."
"Oh please," Mallory scoffed. "I was the Poster Girl of Mommy Shaming before it became a thing. You should have heard the things people said about me. There's always going to be self-righteous bitches and bastards who think they know better than you how to raise your own child. Especially those that don't have any of their own. It's amazing. People who have no kids are suddenly experts on child raising and can make all the comments they want…"
"But you can't even though you're the mother," Lana finished.
"AJ isn't being abused or starved," Mallory pointed out. "If anything, I think she's overeating."
"Will you cut that out?" Lana snapped. "What happened to no mommy shaming?"
"I'm the grandmother," Mallory waved. "I can say what I want. That's different."
"Of course," Lana rolled her eyes.
"It's everybody else who should butt out and shut their traps," Mallory snapped. "Everybody thinks it's their god given right to judge people. Especially mothers. God forbid a mother is a human being and has the right to make mistakes."
"I knew it," Lana threw up her hands. "I knew sending my daughter away was a mistake."
"That's not what I said!" Mallory snapped. "Listen to me. This the truth. You're going to make mistakes. Everyone does. Even Donna Freaking Reed. The trick is learning from them. And you are raising a beautiful, intelligent, independent little girl. If you ask me, you're doing a damn good job."
"Thanks," Lana sighed. "Although maybe I should transfer AJ to a school in New York? I mean it's worth thinking about."
"True," Mallory thought. "I could visit my grandchild more often. Maybe teach her how to properly fire a weapon and create a decent gin and tonic?"
"I'm not letting you teach my daughter to drink and shoot weapons!"
"Of course not!" Mallory defended. "Obviously I don't want AJ drunk when she learns how to shoot firearms. I just want her to learn how to properly make drinks! There's a difference."
"Mallory…" Lana paused.
"Plus, if she was packing heat," Mallory suggested. "She wouldn't be so easy to kidnap."
"Ugh," Lana took a drink.
"She's old enough to start smoking right?" Mallory asked.
"MALLORY!" Lana barked.
"Well not cigars obviously!" Mallory protested. "But dainty little things with less tars. It will help keep her weight down."
"You will not teach my daughter how to smoke!" Lana snapped.
"Fine, let her learn in the girls' bathroom like everyone else," Mallory rolled her eyes as she got up. "I'm going to look for some eligible men at another bar. This one is dryer than Trudy Beekman's vagina. Don't bother me for the rest of the night in case I get lucky."
"On the other hand…" Lana blinked after Mallory left. "Keeping her away from her grandmother isn't the worst thing in the world."