A/N: Disclaimer, I don't own this show or any of its content or characters.
He gave up on sleep a while ago, now he was just sitting in the dining room chair looking into space, thinking over the past.
He was looking down on the body of the man he had tried to save, tried and failed. He had been right there reaching for him, but he hadn't been enough. He swore to himself he would never forget Devon, or let another person down like that, and he would never forgive himself for losing Devon.
"It's Chimney", Cap's words were still imprinted in his mind when they arrived at the scene and Cap had them hang back right after being told by the other firecaptain that they might wanna prepare themself. Prepare themself, that's what they told loved ones when someone was dying.
"He's got a piece of rebar coming out both sides of his head" Bobby began to explain before moving again and continuing: "He is alert and talking, doesn't appear to be in any kind of pain"
"He's got a piece of rebar through his skull, how is that even possible?" Buck asked, amazed and horrified,
Hen began to explain how the brain didn't feel pain;
"Yeah well how about the rest of his head" he asked
"He's in shock. He hasn't registered it yet, he knows that he's pinned but that's it and we have to keep it that way, gotta stay cool"
"It's right between his eyes, can't he see it?", he was struggling hard to understand and prepare himself for what he was about to see.
"I don't know what he can see" Bobby answered him, and that was the end of that discussion, they had reached Chimney's car. Buck took a big steadying breath before he looked through the window, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw, but he didn't let Chimney know. When Chim asked how bad it was, Buck just told him it wasn't good, not knowing what else to answer, and not wanting to lie to his friend. They ended up transporting Chimney in the car. All the way to the hospital Buck didn't say a word, he kept telling himself that he was just trying to process what had just happened, but mentally he was kicking himself for not doing a better job protecting Chimney, even though he hadn't been there.
He hadn't protected Chimney from that loser to Doug, he hadn't protected Maddie or been there in time to rescue her, now one of his best friends and his sister was laying in a hospital bed, because he hadn't been able to protect them. He would never forgive himself for not being there to protect and save them, even though they were both gonna survive he couldn't forgive himself.
He had fought the waters after losing Christopher, walking the streets relentlessly unable to locate him. He was looking into the eyes of the man he loved so dearly, fighting to find the right words, trying to tell him how he had lost his son. He stood there fighting to piece together a coherent sentence, fidgeting with Christophers glasses, but Eddie wasn't looking at him anymore, instead looking past Buck to something behind him with a puzzled look; "Christopher" Eddie breathed out, walking past Buck, who in return turned to look and saw the most beautiful sight imaginable. Buck was taken aback, lost for words and fighting to breathe, unable to believe what he was seeing. He had lost Christopher and he would never forgive himself for that, even if the kid was miraculously alive and hopefully unharmed, Buck would never forgive himself for losing that beautiful angel of his best friend's son.
He hadn't been able to be there for Devon, he had failed Chimney twice, he had failed Maddie more times than he could count, and now he had failed Christopher and Eddie. He kept being a failure to the ones he loved, and to all the victims like Devon that he couldn't save in time.