CHARMING'S AUTHOR'S NOTE #1: I'll be honest, I don't know what dark and twisted part of my brain this came from, but this is a whole different kind of thing for me! I blame the works of the wonderfully talented ne71 and David Carner for inspiring this, albeit in different ways. The story itself was heavily inspired by the works of ne71, especially stories like "Chuck vs the Friendly Wager" "Chuck vs The Emoticon" and "Chuck vs the Real Truth" which you should all read if you haven't! I'm going to treat this like David Carner's OTP stories where i'll update this whenever I'm inspired to do so, but otherwise this will be considered "complete." The main difference is that every possible chapter will share a continuity with all of the others, even though each individual chapter will be a self contained story (you'll see what I mean.)
CHARMING'S AUTHOR'S NOTE #2: This story is unbeta'd so any mistakes are my own, just PM me if you find any and I'll fix them; with that I give you "Chuck vs. the 51F"
Chuck vs. the 51F
A Story by
CharmingCharles2896
Case #1:
The Pompom Incident
"This is your fault!" She hissed at him as they both briskly walked down the hall in Castle towards the conference room and the awaiting 51F.
"My fault? How is this my fault?" Chuck asked with a hint of indignance; Chuck stopped in his tracks as Sarah spun around to face him; Sarah pointed at his face angrily and growled back at him.
"If you hadn't kissed me, then none of this would have happened and the 51F wouldn't be necessary!" Chuck gave Sarah a stunned yet angered look.
"That's not even close to fair, it wasn't my idea for us to do that in the middle of the stage Sarah!" Chuck hissed quietly back at her, making the blonde CIA agent huff back at him before she replied indignantly.
"You'd been giving me and everyone else in the bar googly eyes all damn night, I had to practically step over your tongue every time I walked by you!" Sarah shot back at him now inches from him.
"It was pretty hard not to look!" She refused to take blame for this, she wasn't going to take the blame for what had happened in Fort Lauderdale two days prior.
"Entering that contest wasn't my idea genius!" Sarah said back to him; she knew that wasn't entirely true, but that wasn't the point at the moment.
"Mine either," Chuck said with a huff as he walked past her and entered the conference room, leaving an equally irritated Agent Walker in the hallway. Sarah eventually followed Chuck into the room and joined him at the table across from the two CIA suits the agency had sent in to perform the 51F. Once Sarah was seated, she took a calming breath so she didn't bite these guys heads off.
The two men the CIA had sent to hand the 51F were vastly different in appearance. The one on the left was a tall, wiry fellow with coke bottle glasses and balding hair; while the one on the right was a shorter, portly fellow with a warmer presence about him, even with his equally stoic facial expression.
"Okay let's begin, my name is Agent Lynch and this is my associate Agent Lynch and we'll be…" the tall suit sitting on the left said stoically before Chuck cut in.
"Wait, both of your names are Lynch? Seriously?" Chuck said as he looked at Sarah who simply shrugged with equal confusion; Tall Lynch simply cleared his throat and began again.
"Okay let's begin, my name is Agent Lynch and this is my associate Agent Lynch and we'll be conducting this CIA code of conduct, section 51F investigation…"
"I mean seriously, you don't expect us to call both of you Lynch right?" Chuck said, once again interrupting the CIA agent; Sarah had to suppress a giggle as she saw the anger on Tall Agent Lynch's face, before he cleared his throat once again and began again.
"Okay let's begin, my name is Agent Lynch and this is my associate Agent Lynch and we'll be conducting this CIA code of…" Agent Lynch didn't get in another word before Chuck cut in once again, much to Agent Lynch's anger.
"I'm going to call you Stanley and your silent friend, I'm going to call… Roger," Chuck said before Sarah interjected her own opinion.
"I don't think he looks like a Roger, he looks more like a Robert to me."
"A Bob even," Chuck said with a raised finger, Sarah simply nodded.
"Exactly! He looks just like a Bob that I…"
"ENOUGH!" Stanley yelled loudly, his frustration finally overflowing; Chuck and Sarah both quieted down quickly, properly chastised for interrupting. Stanley took a calming breath to begin once again, but just sighed and abandoned it.
"Forget it, anyway, we are 51F investigators, sent here to gather intelligence to get a more complete picture of incidents that potentially embarrass the United States intelligence community. We're here to determine exactly what happened on the evening of April 18th, 2009; to start with, why don't you tell us how this all began Agent Walker." Stanley suggested, Sarah simply nodded and sat up in her chair and cleared her throat to speak.
"Gladly, it all started four days ago, when General Beckman gave us orders to help a DEA Agent track down a drug kingpin named Eduardo Vasquez in Fort Lauderdale." Sarah said before she watched Stanley check his files.
"Yes, an Agent Miller?" Sarah simply nodded and continued her testimony to the investigator.
"Yes, we've had previous dealings with Agent Miller in the past so there is a familiarity with her among our team."
"Too familiar sometimes," Chuck grumbled with a blush that made Sarah laugh.
"You loved it and you know it," Sarah said knowingly as she looked over at Chuck, who was fighting a smile the entire time; finally, he gave her an indignant pout that Sarah knew was totally fake.
"She scares the crap out of me," Bob simply facepalmed as Stanley looked back and forth between the two of them.
"She scares the crap out of everyone Chuck, that's her thing; she likes to make people nervous and keep them off balance." Sarah said back to Chuck, having by now completely ignored Stanley and Bob.
"I know it is, but apparently all she brings out of you is your wild side!" That got a saucy grin from Sarah and an audible gulp from Chuck.
"You loved it,"
"I did, but you know about my aversion to PDA!" Chuck said, his face a dark crimson color; the teammates were broken from their conversation by the sound of Stanley clearing his throat. Chuck and Sarah looked over at Stanley and saw the look on his face.
"Can we refocus please?" Stanley said as he clicked his pen and looked at them both expectantly; Sarah simply cleared her throat and nodded.
"Yes, my apologies, so General Beckman ordered the three members of our team to fly to Fort Lauderdale and meet up with Agent Miller and assist her in finding and stopping Vasquez, who was pushing some new and dangerous drug ahead of Spring Break. With the help of Analyst Carmichael here we were able to track him down to a bar named the Pompom." Sarah gave Chuck a sideways look that Chuck didn't know what to make of; Chuck stuck his hands up defensively.
"Why are you looking at me like that, this isn't my fault?" Chuck asked defensively.
"You told us later that he owned three businesses, why did you have us go to that one first!?" Sarah asked a tad angrily.
"The erm…" Chuck caught himself before he mentioned the Intersect. "My analysis said that Vasquez spent most of his time at the Pompom, how was I supposed to know it was a topless bar? If he spent most of his time there then that was the best place to start!" Chuck shot back at Sarah.
"You could have googled it like a normal person!" Sarah said back to him in this verbal duel they had going, before Stanley once again cleared his throat to get them back on track.
"Yes sorry, as I was saying; we tracked Vasquez down to the Pompom and found him up on stage introducing some contest. We needed to collect some evidence on this guy so the plan was to cause a distraction while one of us snuck into his office on the second floor that overlooked the barroom floor. Once in his office that person would search for evidence while the remaining three of us would do something to distract everyone." It was at this point that Chuck once again blushed brilliantly, which was not lost on anyone else in the room.
"Like I said, wasn't my fault…" Chuck commented under his breath, which made Sarah smile knowingly and continue her version of the story.
"We quickly learned that the contest was a wet tee shirt contest and Agent Miller being who she is, couldn't resist the chance to have some fun at all of our expense." Stanley simply nodded.
"We're aware of Agent Miller's proclivity for antics," Stanley said with a shrug; Sarah simply nodded, apparently Stanley was familiar with Carina's antics too.
"So the contest was unique in that it had a man in a chair component to the contest; it wasn't just about who's chest was the best, but who could one up everyone else at the same time." Stanley and Bob simply nodded, understanding where this was going; Stanley cut in and turned his attention to Chuck.
"So if Agent Miller pitched the idea of entering the contest, why didn't you go up into the office and Agent Casey be the man in the chair, because I'm assuming you rigged the contest to be the man in the chair while Agent's Walker and Miller entered the contest?" Chuck simply nodded his head to Stanley and began to speak apprehensively.
"Agent Miller… Carina, is a difficult person to work with; she's betrayed me at least once and I know she's crossed Major Casey and Agent Walker many more times than that. Going into the operation, the original plan was exactly as you described, but when I heard that Major Casey was going to be the man in the chair, I knew that couldn't happen. He has a rather… negative history with Carina to put it gently."
"We're well aware of what happened to Major Casey in Prague," Stanley said, Chuck simply nodded and continued.
"I knew that if it was Casey in that chair, then Carina would go out of her way to mess with him, I knew she'd cross the line and do something unprofessional. Casey is a dear friend of mine and I wasn't going to let that happen to him… so I volunteered to be the man in the chair." Sarah gave Chuck a small, warm smile as she saw him pause to think of how best to proceed. Regardless of everything else, Sarah had to give Chuck credit for going way outside of his comfort zone to help the team and make sure a friend of his wasn't the victim of Carina's teasing.
"Very admirable Analyst Carmichael, so you obviously rigged the man in the chair contest to be the man in the chair, but why did one of you have to be the man in the chair, why not have the two of you sneak up into his office?"
"Trust," Chuck said simply, Stanley and Bob looked at him like he was insane, which said a lot about the CIA and its moral code. "This wet tee shirt contest was degrading and sexist, and it wasn't about parading Sarah and Carina out there so everyone could see them in all their glory." Sarah blushed at Chuck's compliment as he continued. "It wouldn't have been fair to either Carina or Sarah if they had to degrade themselves all over some drunk frat boy from UNC. If it's me in that chair, at least it's someone they know and trust, someone they know will only push things as far as they are willing to go, someone who respects them as people, instead of tits with eyes." Chuck was getting a little heated over this line of questioning, how hard was it to understand wanting to respect Sarah and Carina?
"Not to mention, Casey was old enough to be my father, which is just… gross," Sarah added with a disgusted shiver.
"That too," Chuck added as Stanley wrote something in his new notes and then looked at all of the rest of his notes and files before turning back to Sarah for more questioning.
"So Analyst Carmichael is the man in the chair, for the whole contest no less; his profile says that's unlikely behavior Agent Walker, how'd you actually get him to sell it?" Sarah didn't even have to think about her answer, which she gave in a complete deadpan.
"Tequila, several shots of tequila," Stanley simply nodded to himself while Bob showed signs of cracking a smile, which he did much to hide.
"So once Analyst Carmichael was… loosened up, then what happened, from your vantage point?" Stanley asked, which got a knowing smile from Sarah, who simply laughed hard enough she had tears in her eyes.
"Oh god, you guys should have been there, he was mortified at first; every girl that came out was just all over him and he's just trying to look everywhere but at them. These girls are persistent though and the tequila started to catch up with him so he starts getting into it and actually selling it. No matter what he says, no matter how much he says otherwise, I was there and I KNOW that he loved every minute of it!" Sarah said with a laugh; Chuck simply blushed at her description of the events and chuckled along with her.
"So, Chuck's actually doing a pretty good job playing the drunk partier at a wet tee shirt contest, he wasn't a pig, but he was definitely way outside his comfort zone, then Carina came out." Sarah said, which made Chuck simply gulp and looked away, as Sarah continued her part of the story. "So Carina comes out and of course she's in it to win it like she always is. At the same time, she's also mad that Chuck cost her a chance to mess with Casey, so she's going to make the nerd squirm, but he's well lubricated by this point from all the tequila shots, so his reaction isn't as exaggerated as it would normally be." Chuck huffed at her remark.
"I do not overreact!" Chuck said rather loudly, Sarah simply gave him a look.
"Shush, I'm telling the story," Chuck just threw up his hands in frustration as she continued.
"At this point Carina is just mad at Chuck, so she gets ornery with him and I mean real ornery," Sarah gave Chuck and sideways look and a crooked smile which made him shrink away from her look defensively.
"I'm sorry, I'm just a man, damn it!" That got a laugh from Sarah, while Bob suppressed an amused smile; Stanley didn't react as Sarah continued her story.
"So yeah, Carina finally gets off stage and it's my turn, and that bitch just had to say something." Chuck laughed at that one, well aware of Agent Sarah Walker's competitive streak.
"What did Agent Miller say?" Stanley said as he clicked his pen, obviously ready to take notes; Sarah simply huffed as she remembered what her best friend said.
"Beat that Blondie," Sarah said as she looked up from her hands towards Stanley. "Well, she issued a challenge and as is probably well documented, I don't usually back down from a challenge so…" Sarah said trailing off.
"I never stood a chance," Chuck muttered under his breath, which finally made Bob crack and chuckle under his breath; with a shake of his head Chuck spoke up and contributed to the story. "I don't know what possessed this one to do it, but she made Carina look like the Virgin Mary!" Sarah had a pleased look on her face as she sat back in her chair, finally hearing Chuck's perspective on the whole situation.
"Is this the point where you kissed Agent Walker?" Stanley asked as he read the police report of the incident, Chuck simply nodded.
"I don't know what came over me! I was so keyed up from the whole night, and I was drunk from the tequila, and she was just so damn hot, like oh my god!" That made Sarah giggle, and her insides do little summersaults; she'd made him lose control alright. "She was right there, and her shirt was so see-through, so damn see through. She had that smile on her face that always gets to me, and her eyes were just so blue, I… I couldn't help myself." Chuck said with a blush as Sarah tried hard not to cry from laughing so hard; it was at this point that something truly unexpected happened… Bob spoke.
"So according to the police report, you tackled him over the back of the chair after that?" Bob asked Sarah with a quirked eyebrow that made Sarah herself blush; Sarah simply nodded.
"It was the whole night, the kiss just… got to me; before I knew what was happening, I had tackled Chuck over the back of the chair and well… the police report is pretty descriptive." Sarah said with a hint of embarrassment as Chuck simply shook his head at the whole damn incident. Bob simply nodded at Sarah as he read the very detailed police report; with raised eyebrows, Bob looked back up at Sarah and spoke.
"Right there on the stage huh?" Sarah and Chuck simply turned matching shades of crimson and nodded mutedly. "That's adventurous even for you Agent Walker, well done." Bob said before giving them both a thumbs up, which finally broke Chuck, who laughed hard at the whole moment. The moment got similar laughs from Bob, and Sarah as well; eventually everyone calmed down before Stanley spoke once again.
"Okay so it was at this point that the police were called and all three of you were arrested while Major Casey escaped with the evidence, correct?" Chuck and Sarah simply nodded to Stanley's question as he continued. "Was Agent Miller really arrested for breaking a police officer's hand?" Chuck simply nodded.
"He grabbed her ass, I'm surprised she didn't rip his arm off and beat him to death with it," Sarah simply nodded in agreement with puffed out cheeks before she released a breath.
"Well, the federal government is going to get the charges for all three of you cleared and expunged so don't worry about that; now your covers on the other hand may need some work." Stanley said, getting a confused look from both Chuck and Sarah.
"The video of the whole thing is all over the internet, it's already got five million hits on PornHub." Bob said before pulling out his iPhone and pulling the video up to show them the view count was indeed well north of five million. Sarah subtly gave Chuck a high five under the table, before waving that off, much to Stanley's shock.
"We've known all about that; the Buymorons won't stop talking about it," Sarah said in reference to Chuck's coworkers, Chuck simply nodded at the truth in her words.
"Might actually help my street cred around here," Chuck mumbled to himself.
"What street cred?" Sarah shot back with a bemused smile.
"Exactly, I may have some now," Chuck said back, which made the blonde assassin giggle at her asset.
"You two are really okay with this?" Stanley asked in shock, this was not the Agent Walker that his files had described, he'd expected ice cold and by the book, not… this.
"Yeah, everyone at the Buy More already thinks I'm a high-priced escort anyway, so this doesn't really change anything." Sarah said back casually, which simply made Bob laugh once again.
"You two are fun," Bob said honestly, which made Chuck and Sarah inwardly celebrate, they'd won at least one of them over.
"Yes we are, at least one of you gets it!" Chuck said excitedly as Bob stood up; Stanley simply stayed put, still shocked. Bob spoke with a chuckle as he gathered all of their things and put them back in the briefcase they'd brought in with them.
"I think we've got everything we need Agent Walker, Analyst Carmichael; you two have a good evening." Bob shook both of their hands and led Stanley out of the conference room, still laughing at the whole thing. Once Stanley and Bob were gone, Chuck and Sarah both sighed in relief, that could have been bad, but it wasn't.
Now alone, Chuck turned to Sarah and simply gave her a small hug; a simple gesture of support among friends after a stressful moment.
"Speaking of the cover, how'd Ellie and Devon react when they found out about this?" Sarah asked, as soon as the words left her mouth she saw Chuck blush brilliantly, which only made her giggle harder.
"Ellie wasn't very happy with my decision making and said she expected better of me; Awesome said something similar while Ellie was in the room. Once Ellie had left the room he gave me a high five and told me he knew I had a wild side in me." Sarah simply shook her head knowingly.
"You can take Devon out of the frat house, but you can't take the frat house out of Devon," Sarah said as the two of them turned and left the conference room. Chuck and Sarah chatted idly while they walked the halls of Castle on their way to the exit in the Double O; it had been a busy two days and they hadn't really had a chance to talk since they'd been arrested in Fort Lauderdale.
Once the two of them had left Castle, they made their way back towards the Buy More to collect Chuck's things before they could drive one of the Herders back home. Chuck had uncharacteristically surprised Sarah this morning by picking her up before work; he even bought coffee with him, which was a nice surprise. As the two of them walked across the parking lot, Chuck turned to Sarah spoke.
"How'd we do in there?" Sarah paused to think for a moment before answering with a shrug, which simply made Chuck laugh.
"That's it? All you've got for me after telling them that epic story is a simple shrug?" Chuck said with a laugh and a beaming smile; Sarah simply shrugged once again.
"I think they're satisfied; I don't see any reason for a 49B so we should be good. You were drunk at the time and you'd had busty, half-naked women dancing all over you for an hour before it all went down, so I'd say you get a pass on that one from the General." That answer seemed to satisfy Chuck who nodded, Chuck got a sly smile on his face.
"You started it Sarah, I was defenseless against your feminine wiles and you did tackle me, if you'll think back," Chuck said with a pointed finger that made Sarah gasp in shock for a moment before she whacked him on the arm and then pushed him hard.
"Ow, so violent!" Chuck cried out as he stumbled away and rubbed the sore spot on his right arm, Sarah simply gave Chuck a faux glare that had a smile threatening to burst out of it.
"You jerk, I was tempted by your kiss if you'll remember!" Chuck just rolled his eyes.
"Says the woman who was trying to grind a hole in my jeans!" That got a blush from Sarah who spoke back to him with a sly smile on her face.
"You liked it," Chuck simply looked away with raised eyebrows, unwilling to dignify that statement with a reply.
"I did like it," Chuck mumbled under his breath as they got close to the Buy More; Sarah simply gave Chuck a satisfied smile as they walked inside. Everyone was looking at them, but Sarah was surprisingly okay with that; okay so maybe this assignment was a bad influence on her. Sarah stopped at the Nerd Herd desk while Chuck ran to his locker to grab his stuff. As Sarah stood there and waited for Chuck, she noticed all the looks she was getting from all of the Buymorons. Anna was the most subtle about it as she watched Sarah from the DVD isle, but Sarah was still a spy so she'd seen the Thai Nerd Herder. Skip and Fernando were trying to not look like they were checking her out, but failing spectacularly, while Jeff was just blankly staring at her. Off to her left she could see a very pensive looking Morgan Grimes; he obviously wanted to say something, but he was hesitating.
"Something on your mind Morgan?" Morgan jumped in shock and closed the distance between them before talking to her in hushed tones.
"I know your relationship with my main man Chuck is none of my business," Morgan began.
"Your right, it isn't," Sarah said flatly, Morgan simply nodded and continued.
"Right, but in light of recent… happenings, is there any reason I need to worry if you're going to be a bad influence on him?" Morgan said with a surprising amount of intensity. Sarah simply gave Morgan a small smile; Morgan was simply concerned about his best friend. Sarah shook her head no and saw Morgan noticeably relax before a small smile graced his face.
"No Morgan, you have nothing to worry about; regardless of what you may have seen on the internet, we just had a bit too much fun at Spring Break is all," Sarah said, Morgan shook his head and looked away.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Morgan said unconvincingly without making eye contact; Sarah simply eyed him.
"Right…" Sarah said much like Dr. Evil before looking over her shoulder and spotting Chuck walking over towards her; Sarah turned to leave when she heard Morgan once again.
"Sarah," she turned back to him with a warm smile. "Was uh, was that Carina, with you?" Sarah gave Morgan an amused smile and shook her head at him, the cheeky nerd.
"Yes, she was there with us, why do you want to know?" Sarah said as she continued to give Morgan an amused smirk, he blushed a little bit.
"Did she uh, did she mention me?" Morgan asked completely seriously, reminding Sarah that Morgan totally had a thing for Carina; in a split-second decision, Sarah looked Morgan straight in the eye.
"Yes Morgan, she mentioned you a few times," Morgan got a big smile on his face and turned away from Sarah.
"I knew it, she's totally into me," Morgan said as Sarah giggled at the silliness of it all and looked away from him. "It's the beard, you know," Morgan said, grabbing Sarah's attention once again.
"Hmm?" Sarah asked curiously as she looked back at Morgan.
"It's the beard, it does things to women, just ask Anna," Morgan said completely serious.
"The beard had nothing to do with it," Anna said in a dead pan as she walked by, towards the back of the store; Sarah simply chuckled at Morgan's blush.
"Like I said, totally into me," Morgan said with a warped smile as he turned on his heels and made for the TV's where a customer was pensively looking at all of them. Chuck had simply watched the exchange from afar and had to laugh at his cover girlfriend; Sarah saw Chuck simply standing there and she gave him a look.
"What?"
"Just wondering why you'd do that to a friend of yours?" Chuck said with a big smile, Sarah gave Chuck a confused look.
"What do you mean, I'm not hurting Morgan?" Sarah asked, which simply made Chuck laugh as he closed the distance between them; Chuck reached out and simply held her arms as he spoke.
"I'm talking about Carina; you unleashed the Morgan on Carina!? I thought Carina was your friend!" That just made Sarah laugh; she turned at looked to see Morgan attemto to talk to he pretty girl looking at TV's and failing. Sarah turned back to Chuck and gave him a shrug before she followed him towards the front doors.
"Carina is my friend, but she got us into this mess, so she deserves it," Sarah said flatly, Chuck honestly couldn't argue with that logic. "Regardless, we need to hurry home because she's waiting for us." Sarah said eagerly to Chuck, who simply gave her a confused look.
"When you say waiting for us…" Chuck began, before he saw the predatory grin on Sarah's face.
"I mean she's waiting for us to join her," Chuck reared away from Sarah in shocked horror, which simply made Sarah giggle, something she'd been doing a lot lately.
"We can't go home and do that!"
"Of course we can't do that at your place that you share with your sister; we CAN do that at my hotel room though." Sarah said with a pointed finger, Chuck simply nodded in understanding before replying with a question of his own.
"Is it really a good idea to be doing that after what happened on Saturday?" Chuck asked as they approached Herder Number Five; Sarah simply waved that off.
"You'll love it,"
"She still scares the crap out of me," Chuck grumbled as he pulled out his keys and opened the driver's side door. Sarah opened the passenger door, but didn't get in and spoke to Chuck once again.
"Don't worry, I'll protect you," Sarah said with a smirk, that made Chuck chuckle.
"I have stuff for that in my wallet," Chuck quipped as he climbed into the Herder; Sarah's smile blossomed as Chuck finally got on board with her plan.
"That's the spirit, Chuck; now hurry, she really is waiting for us," Sarah said eagerly, much to Chuck's amusement; Chuck simply shook his head and started his car before he replied.
"She really does bring the wild side out of you," Sarah replied with a shrug.
"You love it," Chuck simply shook his head and pulled away.
"Don't I know it…"
CHARMING'S AUTHOR'S NOTE #3: Okay so that was Team Bartowski's first ever 51F, but will it be their last? Only time will tell, but I had a ball writing this one so I think Chuck and Sarah will be seeing Stanley and Bob again. Who knows, maybe other members of the greater Bartowski clan will be interviewed by Stanley and Bob one day. Either way, I really enjoyed this one and laughed a whole bunch while writing and revising it. If you enjoyed this one then please consider letting me know by leaving a review. Your constructive criticism is vital to ensuring my writing meets not only the standard of quality set by the fantastic writers of this community, but my own quality standards as well. I'm busy working away on chapter six of "I Don't Want Your Desire" as well as chapter two of "Never Again" so look for those in the coming week(s).
UNTIL NEXT TIME :D