A/N: Makes references to the episode "Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra".
Much thanks to KittyKat06 for her help and support.
There was a small patch of mud in the hallway.
In any other house, a patch of mud on the floor would've been nothing to get too fussed over. Other people would just scrub it out and move on.
This wasn't just any house, however. Nor just any person. No, this was the home of Adrian Monk. The man who would give Mr. Clean himself a run for his money in a "cleanest home ever" competition. Under normal circumstances, Natalie would've received an earful from her boss about this mess by now, complete with a demand to know who had dirtied his kitchen floor.
These weren't normal circumstances, however. She knew why he hadn't freaked out over, nor bothered to clean, the spot of mud. It was the same reason why he hadn't said a word to her for the last two hours, why his apartment was almost unbearably silent.
Tommy.
A toddler. A sweet, adorable two year old, who'd proved instrumental in the case she and Monk had just worked. Monk had even let the boy stay in his home for a few days, partly because Tommy didn't have a stable home of his own, and partly because Monk hoped that their spending time together could give him the clues he needed to solve the crime. Sure enough, it had.
Much to both his and Natalie's surprise, Tommy had also managed to win Monk's heart in the process. He'd even seriously considered adopting him, an idea that Natalie found both touching and a little concerning, for a whole host of reasons.
She needn't have worried, however, for even Monk realized he wasn't ready to be a father. Ever his moral support, she'd been right by his side as he brought Tommy to meet his new parents earlier that afternoon. The transition had gone well for Tommy. For Monk, not so much. It'd only been a couple hours ago they'd said goodbye to him for the last time, but it felt so much longer. Natalie had never seen her boss so upset, and she felt utterly helpless. At this point, she wondered if he even realized she was still here.
She couldn't bring herself to leave, though. Sure, she could've gone home after dropping him off, probably should've gone home The moment they entered Monk's apartment, he went straight into the living room and sat down in his chair, his back to her. Message received. He needed to be alone.
There was a difference, though, between needing time alone and being alone. The thought of Monk being alone right now troubled her deeply, for reasons she couldn't quite articulate, and so she decided to stick around.
No hovering, though. Monk couldn't stand people hovering. She needed...something...to distract her. Some task that would both allow her to stay busy and keep an eye on her boss all at once.
That was how she found herself milling about his kitchen. She opened Monk's fridge, which soon led to her opening various cupboards, and before she knew it, she was crawling around on the floor. She even glanced at the pipes under the sink. If anything looked even slightly out of place, she reset it. If there was any dirt or crumbs on his floor that he might've missed, she cleaned it all up and threw it out. If a surface felt or looked even the slightest bit sticky, she would wipe it. Anything to ensure his place was spotless.
Of course, she ultimately wound up having to do very little in the end. His counters were so clean she could practically see her face in them, and most everything in his cupboards and fridge was set up exactly as it should be. Helped pass the time, though, which was all that mattered.
The only thing that really jumped out at Natalie was that small patch of mud on the floor in the hall, just outside the kitchen. This, she could handle. She grabbed Monk's bucket of cleaning supplies from under the sink, got down on her knees, and began scrubbing at the stain.
Just what were you doing, silly little Tommy? Where did you and Mr. Monk go?
Natalie blinked away the sudden sting in her eyes. She briefly looked up and over in the direction of the living room. Monk was thinking about Tommy, too, she just knew it. More specifically, she knew he was replaying their last moments together.
Not that she could blame him, really. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about those moments, either. On one end, there was sweet, innocent Tommy, happily waving from the backseat of the car as he headed home to his new family, with not a care in the world.
On the other end, there was Monk, returning the wave, with perhaps the saddest expression she'd ever seen on his face. He'd tried to keep his emotions in check, but even he couldn't stop a couple tears falling. She'd pretended not to notice those tears, just as she also pretended not to notice the way he almost..curled in on himself...as she drove him home.
The distant look in his eyes as he stared out the window at nothing in particular, though – that she couldn't ignore quite so easily. That look was the reason she was still here.
The only thought that brought Natalie any relief at all in that moment was knowing that Tommy was going home with a good couple. The Murphys had seemed very nice when she and Monk met them earlier that afternoon, and the adoption agency had assured both her and Monk that they fit all the necessary qualifications to become the boy's parents.
Natalie knew that wouldn't placate him, though. She'd already prepared herself for the moment when he'd surely ask her, or Leland, to check back in with the agency, or the parents, to see how things were going. She wouldn't be able to stop him from doing such a thing even if she tried.
She glanced over in Monk's direction again. Who could've guessed that such an awful, gruesome case could lead to a wonderful bond between Monk and a young child? Truly, it was amazing, the relationship they'd managed to form over the span of just a few days. Tommy had brought out a side of her boss that she'd never seen before, and one she quite liked at that. This man, normally so closed off and reserved and...persnickety, who was resistant to touch and open displays of affection, had seemed to transform into a whole other person when the boy was around. He'd practically doted on Tommy, tending to his every need and fussing over him as often as possible.
The best part, though? He was playful. Yes! Adrian Monk was playful! He'd regaled her with stories of chasing Tommy around his home, reading stories to him, and the two of them building towers with blocks. Even in their final moments together, he still made sure Tommy had fun, running around the yard with him and making silly faces. He even rolled around in the grass with him!
He was actually willing to risk getting messy to have a bit of fun. Natalie wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes. If only I'd brought my camera.
But now Tommy was gone, and he'd seemed to have taken any semblance of joy and happiness with him. Natalie sighed, and continued scrubbing.
ooo
Once Natalie had cleaned the floor and put away the supplies, she stood, hands on hips, trying to decide what to do next. She headed towards the living room, stopping at the doorway. Even from this angle, with Monk's back still to her, she could see over his shoulder. There was a portion of what looked to be some kind of book sticking out. When she realized just what book it was, however, her heart sank.
His wedding album.
She stood very still, arms folded, and watched as Monk placed a hand over a photo. He let it linger for a moment before slowly running his hand down the page. Natalie had to fight the sudden lump that appeared in her throat at that gesture. How many times had she done the same thing when looking at old photos of Mitch, or of the two of them together? She couldn't even begin to count.
Monk bowed his head then, and Natalie took that as her cue to enter the room.
"Mr. Monk?" she said gently, her movements careful as she came to sit on the footstool in front of him. She leaned forward a little, resting her elbows on her knees, and tried to catch his eye. "Hey. Just wanted to see if you need anything."
Another long silence followed. Natalie didn't budge. One thing she'd learned about Monk, in the short time she'd worked for him, was that in moments like this, it was best to just wait him out. Give him time to get his thoughts together and figure out exactly how he was going to talk about whatever was bothering him.
When he finally did answer her, however, his response was not what she'd expected. "Trudy and I talked about having kids someday."
Such a blunt, matter-of-fact statement. Natalie could only blink in response. "Oh?"
Monk looked up then. He seemed surprised to see her actually sitting in front of him. "You asked me the other day why I took in Tommy." His voice was quiet, yet thick with emotion. He shrugged. "That's why. When – when he was – being removed from that home, I…"
He briefly squeezed his eyes shut, as he fought back tears once more. Seeing him like this was just as unnerving and startling to Natalie now as it was earlier that afternoon, and she wanted nothing more than to hug him in that moment.
For now, though, she restrained herself.
"I could hear the conversation we'd had in my head," Monk had continued. Natalie was so focused on the tears that she nearly missed that last part.
"Conversation?" Natalie echoed hesitantly. The topic of Trudy was always risky territory. Monk was such a private man as it was, and discussions like this had to be handled very delicately. Luckily, Monk seemed more in the mood to talk now, so Natalie let him lead the conversation.
"Do you remember that case we had with the martial arts guy? Sonny Chow? It was right after you started working for me?"he began.
Natalie straightened at the mention of Chow's name, unsure of where this was going. A brief shudder ran through her as she crossed her legs and wrapped her arms around herself. "Um. Yeah."
"That's the one where Downey had kidnapped me, and he buried me in that coffin," he continued. She watched as his head bobbed from side to side, his hands becoming more animated as he recounted the events. "And I'd had that psychotic break when I was trapped in there, and I told you afterward about how I had a vision of Trudy, and - "
"Yes, yes, Mr. Monk, I remember!" Natalie frantically waved a hand, urging him to get to the point. Now her curiosity was battling some bad memories of her own. She'd hated working that case. All the creepy stuff with the deceased actor was bad enough, but then Natalie had spent most of the time arguing with Monk. Over money issues, of all things. The fighting had gotten so bad that she'd actually threatened to quit at one point.
But then Monk had been buried alive. She'd nearly lost him. If she hadn't come back to apologize...
Another shiver ran down her spine. Needless to say, that particular incident wasn't something she cared to revisit.
Monk seemed oblivious to Natalie's discomfort, though, pressing on with his explanation. "Anyway, at one point during that vision, Trudy and I were together in this – this park." His eyes took on a faraway look then, as he recalled the memory. "At one point, we were sitting on a bench, and we started talking about having kids." He ran his hand over the photo again, looking thoughtful. "It was the exact same conversation we used to often have when she was - "
"When she was here," Natalie finished, earning her a quick, grateful smile from Monk.
"Exactly." He looked back at the photo. "She was so eager to have children. She even made a point of reminding me that she wasn't getting any younger.."
Natalie chuckled at that last statement. Yeah, she understood that. Times like these she wished she'd known Trudy. They would've gotten along.
She rested her chin in one of her hands. "What did you say to that?"
He swallowed. "I told her I wasn't sure what kind of father I'd be. I didn't have the best upbringing, so I was afraid, you know?"
Natalie simply nodded, encouraging him to go on.
"Anyway, she tried to reassure me that we'd be different, that our kids would be happier. She was always good at that, reassuring me and calming me down." He let out a soft laugh, but his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "And all I kept thinking was, I should've said yes. I even told her that. 'I should've said yes'." He curled a hand as he said that last part, punctuating all four words with a firm shake of his fist.
She was starting to understand everything now. "So when you saw Tommy, that was your way of saying yes."
Monk nodded. "He needed a home. A family who cared about him. I guess I thought..." He waved away whatever he'd been about to say. "I don't know."
Natalie mulled over his explanation for a moment before continuing. "Maybe it's a sign."
Monk furrowed his brow. "What?"
She began flailing her hands about, making big, dramatic circles. "It! All of it! Your conversation, the feeling you got when you saw Tommy, Tommy himself. Maybe it's all the universe's way of telling you not to give up on your dream of being a dad someday.."
He smiled sadly at her. "My dream was to have kids with Trudy. Nobody else can be Trudy."
His voice was so small, so broken. Natalie couldn't stand it any longer. She reached out and just barely touched the top of the photo album with her fingertips. "You're right, Mr. Monk," she began. "Nobody else can be Trudy. She was obviously very special."
Monk stared down at her fingers. He seemed very aware of how close they were to his own.
"But that doesn't mean you can't someday meet another woman who's special in her own way. Who loves you for you, and wants to spend her life with you. Who would love to have children with you."
Monk opened his mouth to protest, and she held up her other hand to silence him. "I'm not saying you have to go looking right now. I'm just saying, if having a family would make you happy, then you shouldn't give up on that dream." She studied him then, watching as he considered her words. "From what you've told me about Trudy, she would want you to be happy."
He threw her a skeptical look. "Easier said than done," he said wryly, pulling his hand away. He closed the photo album, clutching it to his chest.
Natalie sighed. "I know. Believe me, I know." Now she was the one blinking away tears. She quickly wiped at her eyes, glancing at the ceiling and taking a deep breath, before she faced him again. "It's something I struggled with, too, after Mitch. But Mr. Monk, what helped me was having other people to lean on. Family and friends who cared about me, and who I cared about."
She leaned forward again. "You do have that, you know. You have Leland, and Randy, and Dr. Kroger. And," she continued, reaching out to touch his arm. "you have me. And Julie."
If Monk was startled by her hand on his arm, he didn't comment on it. Instead, he simply stared at her, as though he were trying to absorb her words. In that moment, Natalie couldn't help taking notice of his eyes. So dark, so expressive, so intense...
...and so very, very sad. Once more, she resisted the urge to wrap her arms around him.
"Maybe that's another thing that bothers me," Monk mused, more to himself than to her.
"Hm?" Natalie shook herself out of her thoughts. She pulled back, curious. "What do you mean?"
Monk was staring straight ahead now, tapping a finger against the album. Natalie could practically see the wheels turning in his head.
"You mentioned Julie. It got me thinking. Maybe part of why I connected so strongly with Tommy was because of Benjy."
"He wasn't a toddler," Natalie pointed out, confused.
"No. But we got on well, and I liked looking out for him and spending time with him. And then one day Sharona took him and they just...left." He waved a hand, as if to indicate their sudden disappearance. "He wrote me a goodbye letter, but it's still not the same as a face to face goodbye, you know?"
"No, it isn't," Natalie agreed. She'd always been curious about Sharona. From the way Monk had talked about her, she was a good nurse, and he was clearly very fond of her and her son. She seemed like a great person, someone Natalie would've liked to get to know.
And yet, she'd up and moved away with no warning. Strange, that.
Hey, you threatened to quit, she reminded herself.
Yes, and I came back another part of her argued. She knew precisely why she came back, too – she was staring at the very reason right now. Perhaps that was why Sharona had just up and left without a proper goodbye. Maybe she knew if she looked Monk in the face, even for a second, to tell him she was quitting, she never would've been able to leave.
As Natalie continued to study her friend, it hit her then just how truly lonely he was. All the reassurances in the world weren't going to be enough to comfort him and put him at ease. He'd become so accustomed to losing people he cared about, to where he'd just assumed that would continue to be the pattern.
No wonder he was so protective and possessive of certain items and places. She felt a pang of guilt as she recalled Trudy's old office just then. Unlike people, things like goodbye letters and pillows and offices couldn't leave him.
Well, that pattern was going to end here and now, if Natalie had anything to say about it.
"You were right, by the way." Monk said then, interrupting her thoughts once more.
Natalie beamed. "Wow. I think that's the first time you've ever said that to me."
Monk flashed a small smile, acknowledging her teasing. He set the album in his lap. "I was hoping Tommy would love me. For the first time, someone needed me, not the other way around. Tommy didn't judge me, he didn't laugh at me, he didn't find me weird." His eyes lit up as he kept talking. "He wanted to be like me!"
As fast as his excitement appeared, however, it disappeared just as quickly, His voice became soft again, more reflective. "He allowed me to experience a bit of the childhood I'd always wanted." He grimaced as he realized what he'd just said. "God, that sounds so...selfish."
Natalie shook her head. "No, Mr. Monk, it isn't selfish," she insisted. "It's human. Everyone wants to be accepted, and loved, and cared for. What Janet Novak did, that is selfish. She put others' lives at risk for her own gain. Look," She moved to sit on the arm of the chair. "You told Mrs. Carlyle that you'd do anything for Tommy. Remember? You said you'd give your life for him. And you proved that. Selfishness would've been keeping Tommy when you knew it wasn't right. And you didn't do that."
Monk nodded slowly. "That's true," he admitted.
"Yeah. You made sure he went with people who would love and care about him as much as you did. You made sure he wouldn't have the kind of upbringing you did." Natalie put a hand to her heart. "That's about the most unselfish thing anyone can do."
Monk didn't respond, but Natalie could see that her words seemed to be having an effect.
"Trudy was right," she continued. "Tommy, Benjy, Julie…you had, and have, a great relationship with all of them. You've looked out for them, you've cared about them, you've kept them safe." She patted his shoulder. "You'll be a great dad, when the time comes."
"If..." Monk began, looking up at her.
"No. When. Don't argue with me on this one, Mr. Monk." She pointed a finger at him, her expression leaving no room for any further discussion. He simply shook his head in response. As doubtful as he seemed about her certainty, he did look a little happier than he'd been even a half hour ago. Natalie considered that a win.
The two of them stood then, stretching briefly, and she watched as Monk put his photo album back in its rightful spot. She put a hand to her throat. All this emotion, all this talking, it'd made her rather thirsty. She started back towards the kitchen.
"Julie's supposed to be getting out of school soon, right?"
Natalie halted at Monk's words. "Um, yeah," she said. "About..." She checked her watch. "...half an hour from now, in fact. Why do you ask?" She put her hands on her hips, her expression curious.
He clasped his hands together and rolled a shoulder. "Can I...go with you to pick her up?" He gestured between them. "Maybe we could...go do something afterward? Just the three of us?"
Oh. This time, Natalie was sure her smile lit up her entire face. His face was an odd mix of hopeful and nervous, but to her, it was strangely endearing. She walked right over to him, grinning as she wrapped her arms around him from the side and gave him a quick yet firm hug. He squirmed a little, but didn't seem to protest too much.
"That sounds like a great idea." She looked at her watch again. "In fact, if we leave now, we should get there in good time. Come on, let's go," She grabbed her keys, and the two began to head out.
Monk glanced at Natalie as he opened the door. "Thanks for staying," he murmured.
She placed a hand on his back as she guided him out. "Anytime, Mr. Monk,"
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