AN: No Such Luck. Dear God, No Such Luck. This episode is so thoroughly despised that writing a fanfic about it is actually somewhat tricky, just because everybody's done it. There are so, so many stories that cover every single conceivable scenario about this episode's events, and it's pretty hard to write one that's not cliché. That said, I did want to tackle NSL, and suffice to say that this fic gives the episode EXACTLY the treatment it deserves while also being (I hope) an original idea. It's set at Nickelodeon headquarters where two writers for Loud House are discussing episode ideas, and—well, you'll see. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Disclaimer: Nickelodeon owns Loud House and No Such Luck, not me. Seriously, if I really owned Loud House, No Such Luck would never have aired because I'd be mighty embarrassed to have my name associated with that train wreck of an episode. Having said that, the characters Ralph and Chuck are my creations and are not in any way connected with real people, at Nickelodeon or anywhere else. They're entirely fictional.
Ralph scratched his chin, deep in thought. As a writer for Nickelodeon's Loud House, it was his job to come up with new episode ideas and translate them into scripts. On this particular day, though, he just couldn't think of anything. Sometimes writer's block hit hard, and today was one of those days. Unfortunately for him, he needed to get a new episode script written by the end of the week.
As Ralph puzzled over new ideas, his assistant Chuck came into his office. "Ralph, I've got the perfect idea for a new episode," he said, with a big grin. "This is a good one. The fans are going to love it!"
Saved by the assistant, Ralph thought. If Chuck's idea was good, he'd have another week to fend off his writer's block. "That's great, Chuck. What's it about?"
"Well, since it'll be airing around St. Patrick's Day, I thought I'd make it luck-themed. It's based around Lynn's superstitions as an athlete."
"Okay," Ralph nodded. This sounded promising. "So what happens?"
"Well, it all starts with Lincoln talking about going to his sisters' activities and wanting some time for himself. Normal for a kid with ten sisters, right? Well, Lynn then comes in and tells him to go to her softball game. But she loses and blames him for jinxing her."
Ralph raised an eyebrow. That sounded kind of mean-spirited, but still nothing that was out-of-character for Lynn. "Okay. What happens then?"
"Lynn totally loses it," Chuck explained. "She brands Lincoln 'bad luck' and bans him from coming to any more of her activities. But, see, it gives Lincoln an idea. Since he wants time for himself, he gets it into his head to convince the rest of the family that he's bad luck so they'll leave him alone."
Ralph had to suppress a snicker at the idea. Like that would really work. Lynn was the only character on the show who was superstitious. It would be really bizarre for the rest of the family to buy this bad luck idea, especially hyper-rational Lisa. "So what does Lincoln do?"
"They all buy his story. Even Lisa ends up becoming convinced when he deliberately falls over while holding Lori's golf club. And so they all ban him from their activities."
Ralph was a little taken aback by this. "Do the girls really believe him, or is there a reveal that they're just messing with him?"
"They really, truly believe he's bad luck. Even the parents! And it works for a bit, since Lincoln gets the alone time he wanted. But it backfires really fast, since the whole family wants nothing to do with him. They make him eat breakfast in the living room, and that night they make him stay home while the rest of the family goes to a movie together. To keep them from getting his bad luck."
Ralph was getting very uncomfortable. There had been several episodes where Lincoln had gotten himself into messes before, but this just sounded really mean-spirited. "What next?"
Chuck was grinning. "His folks finally kick him out of the house and make him sleep outside. They want to keep his 'bad luck' outside the building. And when he finally apologizes and says he was faking it, they won't believe him. And making it worse is that he can't go to the beach with them later because of his 'bad luck'. Lola even yells 'You! Can't Come!' in his face! Lincoln's crushed and devastated by what's happening."
Ralph was in disbelief at how cruel Chuck was writing the Louds to be. This wasn't what the show was about. Loud House was a lighthearted family comedy, and this was incredibly ugly. Still, he figured he'd at least hear the rest of it. "Then what happens?"
"Well, Lincoln decides to prove he's not bad luck so he sneaks into Lynn's game that day wearing her team's mascot costume. This time she wins, and Lincoln lets his family know he was there, proving he's not really bad luck. But here's the kicker—they've already sold all his stuff! And at the end, they haven't changed their minds. They just think the squirrel suit is good luck and make him wear it to the beach."
Well, it would be a great Family Guy episode, but what are we doing for Loud House? Ralph thought sardonically. There was absolutely no way he was going to green-light this script, writer's block or no writer's block. Regardless, Chuck was a good friend and Ralph didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him what a bad idea this was. He decided he would just quietly discard the story and blame the Nickelodeon brass for nixing it. "Well, I'll see what the execs say. Do you have a title for the episode?"
At that question, Chuck's grin grew even wider, and he could barely suppress a laugh.
"The Aristocrats!"
Both Chuck and Ralph broke into loud guffaws. "Chucky, you got me good there!" Ralph laughed as tears of mirth rolled down his cheeks. "I was really thinking you were proposing a real episode!"
"Come on, bud. Like an episode like THAT would really get green-lit," Chuck laughed. "Even if the Nickelodeon execs didn't kill us, the fans sure would!"
"Right you are. But that said, we do still need an episode by the end of the week. Any real proposals?"
"Hmmm." Chuck thought for a bit. "Well, we all know how much Lana loves frogs. Maybe she could be against the science class dissecting them…"