"Ah, so in the end, you're all just a bunch of bullies, huh? Justifying your actions with fancy words, making excuses for why it's not really your fault!" Mikan shot the other students a look of pure hatred. In her mind, which had long since passed the brink of insanity, this class trial was about so much more than just finding out who the murderer was. There was a symbolic undertone there too. It wasn't just about truth, it was about forgiveness. It was about seeing whose side the class was really on.

Were they on Mikan's side? Ah, poor, sweet, little Mikan, who didn't do anything wrong, yet still found herself bearing a burden of guilt that she did not deserve. Or were they on Hajime's side? Big, strong, tough, detective Hajime who was apparently able to find every hole in Mikan's arguments and alibis. But it really just wasn't fair! All of Hajime's "proof" was little more than assumption and he wasn't interrogating anyone else as hard as he was interrogating Mikan, so of course she was going to look suspicious! But that was hardly her fault! It was Hajime's!

"E-Everyone always treats me like that! Always!" the girl cried, sounding genuinely hurt and alone, and in her mind, she was. Even though everyone else would've tried to dispute this claim, insisting that they were indeed Mikan's friends, Mikan's memories of their time together were much darker. While all they remembered was a sweet, albeit clumsy and socially anxious, nurse, she remembered a gang of students who never once stuck up for her. All they ever did was laugh or look away, but no one ever actually stuck their neck out for her. Not one, not once.

Every memory Mikan had of a time where someone upset her, even if it was just a little, or even if it was obviously accidental, had become warped and all she could remember was hatred. Not ignorance, but malice. For example, any time Mikan fell over, rather than trying to help her up, everyone would mostly look away and snap at her, demanding that she close her legs and not be so clumsy. Wasn't that proof that they hated her?

But to the other students, it had never been like that. The only reason they looked away was out of awkwardness. Given all the suggestive poses Mikan managed to fall in, could anyone blame the rest of the class for not quite knowing how to respond? Looking away was a reflex, not a sign of hatred. Furthermore, Mikan's clumsiness was so habitual that the students were just tired of it. It's not that they thought it made Mikan less of a friend, but there was only so many times she could fall so dramatically before people would begin to question how accidental the falls were.

But to Mikan, this inaction meant hatred. And she'd been on the receiving end of this inaction for so long that she'd completely convinced herself that the others hated her. While they would share alibis and manage to justify everything they did with some fancy explanation or another, they refused to show Mikan the same solidarity. Instead, they let Hajime grill her endlessly and not a single one of her testimonies was accepted. How was that fair?! Rather than examine themselves more closely, they continued to focus on Mikan. She practically had to bend over backwards to defend herself, but why?! And why only her?!

""It's all her fault!" "She's the one with the problem!"" Mikan mimicked bitterly. It was as if she could read her classmates' minds, because even though none of them said a word, it was clear that Mikan was right. It was her fault. She was the one with the problem. But that wasn't a mean statement, it was fact! It was a cruel irony, the one time the over-apologetic girl should've been genuinely sorry was the one time she wasn't at all. To her, at this point, any of them could technically "be" the killer if it was just argued correctly, so the fact that they were all still focusing on her made her certain that they were her enemies.

But the other students could only watch in sadness and confusion. None of them (except maybe Hiyoko) hated her. They'd all been anywhere from neutral to fond! But Mikan was so lost in her own head that she was certain that they thought about her a lot more often than they actually did. She'd convinced herself they hated her, she'd driven herself mad over something that wasn't even real.

"But I'm done with that! You hear me?! I'M DONE!" she bellowed, voice echoing around the room. Some of the students flinched in fear while the others only drew back in suspicion. This violent outburst, although frightening, was not helping Mikan look innocent… And come to think of it! Had Mikan ever actually been sorry for anything?

For all the times she'd begged for forgiveness, it felt more like she was looking for validation than a chance to make amends, which is what she should've striven for if her remorse had been genuine. And given the fact that she continually fell over in such dramatic poses despite claiming to know that it was inappropriate gave credence to the idea that she was never actually sorry. She just wanted people to tell her it was ok. That was fair enough, but when it came to a class trial, things were no longer as simple as one little slip.

Even now, it was clear that she was indeed guilty, so why was she still begging for forgiveness? Or was it all just symbolic for something more? Was she trying to see how long it would take before Hajime finally started "picking on" someone else? What point was she trying to prove?

"It's not fair. It's not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Notfair notfair notfair notfairnotfairnotfairnotfair!" Mikan's voice escalated from a low and resentful whisper to a full blown scream of fury, but she was beyond caring now. She'd locked herself in a downward spiral and she was falling fast.

The Ultimate Nurse could only stew bitterly in her thoughts as she continued to survey her classmates' faces. Liars, traitors, cowards and enemies! The whole lot of em! What had she done to deserve such a miserable life?! Hadn't she apologized enough for all of her shortcomings?! So how and why hadn't she been forgiven yet?! Maybe she would've felt more at peace with things if she could've at least figured out what she'd done wrong, but nothing was coming up. And why was that? … Because she hadn't done anything wrong! She hadn't! She hadn't! SHE HADN'T!

So why were they LOOKING AT HER LIKE THAT?! It wasn't fair! Why were they always gossiping about her?! And why only her?!

"If you did something wrong, you'd forgive yourself right away!" she screamed. Years of pain filled her voice as all of the emotions she'd kept locked inside for so very long finally came bursting free.

Switching back and forth between desperate, terrified, hurt, outraged, bitter and sadistic, Mikan continued to argue with Hajime. Even though he repeatedly begged her to just come quietly, she refused. To her, this class trial was not just about the victims' truth, but the killer's and court's too. So what if Mikan did it? Wasn't she owed at least a little leeway after all the times she'd sacrificed so much of herself for everyone else?

Besides, none of Hajime's evidence was even decisive enough to truly convict her! So as far as she was concerned, she was technically still innocent, and Hajime was grilling her for no reason! If he really wanted to force this narrative onto her, then he was going to have to bend over backwards to do it! After all the leeway everyone else got from each other, Mikan expected the same. If not, then Hajime's words were as good as lies in her eyes. Besides, it was only fair! And if they really cared about fairness and justice that much, then they needed to show it to Mikan too!

"Do you have any proof that I'm the one that fabricated that video?" she growled quietly. "Waaaaaaaah! That's right! Show me your proof!" she bawled a second later. "WHY DOES EVERYBODY ALWAYS HATE ME?!" and another second later, she was grabbing at her hair in frustration and shouting again, wild and desperate.

Just give me the forgiveness that I want! The forgiveness that I deserve! It's only fair! And then we can all go home! As soon as you admit that you're wrong and I'm right, we can all be friends again! You guys have always protected each other, so why won't anybody protect ME?! When's MY turn to get away with something?! You guys are supposed to be MY FRIENDS! So why do you all keep accusing me like this?! What did I do!? Why won't ANYBODY FORGIVE ME?!

"PLEASE! JUST FORGIVE ME ALREADY!"

Finally, she jerked her head towards Hajime, eyes brimming with tears of bitterness and hurt.

"Why do you get to decide I'm the killer!" she managed to choke out. For once, her tears were real. It was not an act, she was genuinely hurt and confused and anguished. "Who gave you the right or reason? By what authority do you lead this trial and why do you lead it against me?!" she bellowed. "It's not fair! It's not fair that you get to lead! It's not fair that everyone loves you but not me! Why do they all always listen to you?! What makes you so special?! Why does nobody ever listen to ME?! Why do your words get to mean so much to everyone while mine mean nothing!?"

Even after Hajime managed to successfully argue everyone over to his side, Mikan remained mystified. To her, Hajime was no more or less correct and honest than she was. The only difference was that the class just liked his arguments more, so they were choosing to believe him over her. But it wasn't necessarily that he was right and she was wrong, it was that everyone just kept listening to his arguments even though hers were just as valid! (At least in her eyes, they were).

So even though Hajime was doing nothing more than explaining the murder in more and more detail, Mikan perceived it as him making up increasingly fanciful loopholes and wormholes to make it look like Mikan was the killer. But there were so many other places and instances where someone else could've (and should've) taken the blame, yet only Mikan was being interrogated. Why was it always her fault and not the people that drove her to such great lengths to begin with?

But she wasn't going to stop until they forgave her! She wasn't going to stop until they finally sided with her for once, and treated her like the friend they claimed she was. Until they were nicer to her and tried seeing things her way, she was going to keep arguing. If Hajime really wanted to see justice done, he was literally missing every opportunity sent his way. Mikan was practically beating him over the head with it by now, but rather than just defend her even once, or let her speak out just a little, he continued to claim that she was the killer. Well, then she was going to keep going until she found an argument just as compelling as Hajime's. They would have to listen to her then!

"There's only one tote bag, so it's impossible to use it in two places at the same time!" she cried cheerfully, but Hajime only shook his head.

"The theater bonus prize."

Completely out of arguments, Mikan could only stare at him in complete horror.

"Wh-why?!" she pleaded, raising her arms as if to shield her face from oncoming blows. For once, she sounded genuinely heartbroken in disbelief. "Why can't you forgive me?! WHY?!"

Even after all she'd said and done, both before and during the trial, her perfect crime had still come crashing down in the final hour. All of her enemies, who started out friends, not only turned on her, but they managed to win too! And by dragging out the trial as long as she could, Mikan had only prolonged her suffering. It had literally all been for nothing. And worst of all, in some ways, it really, genuinely, had not been her fault!

ooo

Had that stupid, rotten little Hiyoko not come barging into the music venue, Mikan might've actually succeeded! But no, that pesky little monster had to be just as much of a bullying pain in death as she was in life. Of course Hiyoko was the one to bring Mikan's plans crashing down! She was almost lucky she was dead, because Mikan knew she wouldn't have been able to tolerate Hiyoko at all anymore!

In fact, Mikan had even considered making Hiyoko her target for that very reason. The only reason she ultimately decided against it was because Ibuki was an easier target. It had been a purely pragmatic decision. Furthermore, Mikan knew this murder had to be as quick and clean as possible, but Hiyoko didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve such an easy passing. No, she deserved something much slower and louder. But that obviously would've been impossible to pull off, so Mikan had changed plans.

But none of that had actually mattered, now had it? Hiyoko still wound up barging in anyway, forcing Mikan to kill her, even though it had been a deeply unsatisfying event to both students involved. But not only had Hiyoko stupidly gotten herself killed, she'd also robbed Mikan of her chance at real revenge. Mikan had hoped that after successfully killing Ibuki, once she also won the class trial, she would get the privilege of watching Hiyoko's execution. But it was not to be. One little slice to the neck, and Hiyoko was gone.

Who knew someone could mess up a murder that badly? Even if the physical action had been a success, literally nothing else was. It was like Nagito-levels of bad luck, but it was still possible to make it even worse. Not only had Mikan been robbed of her chance at a better revenge against Hiyoko, but her other victim carried personal tragedy too.

Even though Mikan had chosen Ibuki purely for pragmatic reasons, the two had sort of been friends. Or at the very least, just because of Ibuki's loud and physical nature, her displays of affection towards Mikan had always been much less subtle than normal. As such, Mikan had a few fond memories of the overly-excited musician, so to have to kill her had been difficult. And even worse, especially when contrasted with Hiyoko's death, was the fact that Ibuki's had been slow and painful. Death by strangulation and hanging. Mikan had been forced to do all of that, not to Hiyoko, but Ibuki, one of the only students who ever showed her explicit kindness rather than a glancing scrap.

Every piece and part of the plan had gone awry. Even in ways that shouldn't have been possible, Mikan had failed. Then she got to watch it all come undone bit by bit. She'd even tried to frame Hajime as the murderer at first, back when she'd still had a shot at winning the trial. But no, that all came undone and Hajime became her primary accuser! But this didn't just hurt for the obvious reasons. It was also because, like Ibuki, Mikan had also been fairly fond of Hajime.

So once again, Mikan had sentenced a friend to death. Even if the entire class would've died, making Hajime the prime suspect was salt on the wound for Mikan. At least at first. But in the end, it failed. Even after everything Mikan had been through and planned and done, including forcing herself to accept Ibuki and Hajime as necessary sacrifices, she still lost in the end. It was every worst fear realized, including actually losing the trial. She thought she'd suffered enough that she would finally be granted a victory, but no. It was not to be. Instead, it was only suffering. And then, somehow, even more suffering. It was like the ultimate nightmare combination of suffering, and it was, somehow, by the cruel hand of fate, all Mikan's. Every last bit of suffering was all hers…

ooo

"Heh… heh… heh… hahahahahahahahaha!" Mikan began to giggle uncontrollably, shaking with laughter and tears. Once again, the class recoiled in horror and confusion, but Mikan kept giggling. Everything only served to make her laugh harder and harder and harder. She was completely broken now. Everything had failed so spectacularly and perfectly that all she could do was be in awe. THIS was what it meant to despair!

"Ah! It's been such a long time!" she sighed, sounding almost dreamy. And she wasn't wrong at all. It had indeed been a long time since she last felt such sweet, blistering despair. Even if the rest of the class still didn't know, she did. But hey, it was about time she got to have something that the others didn't, right? It was their turn to be confused while she was in the know.

"This feeling! I know it well! Like the floor is collapsing, like the sky is falling down upon you! This feeling of despair!"

And that was when Nagito finally interrupted.

"This is why I could not forgive her," he growled to Hajime.

In the trial, the only person who had been harder on Mikan than Hajime was Nagito. He'd been uncharacteristically cruel with her, even compared to how he'd treated the last two killers, but now the reason why was finally being revealed. Unlike the last two killers, Mikan had been driven by despair, and that was the unforgivable sin in Nagito's eyes. It was clear that at least some of Mikan's plan had been inspired by despair (not just for herself, but her classmates too) and that was what disgusted him so much: an Ultimate using their Talent to spread Despair.

"No, what I did was for the sake of my beloved," Mikan replied, that dreamy and demented voice returning.

"Love?" Nagito sounded genuinely caught off guard.

"You don't understand?" Mikan asked, her voice light and airy like before, but the smile she gave him was ruthless and mocking. "Is it because you don't have anyone to love? Is it because you're also someone who isn't accepted by anyone?"

And for once, Nagito was left speechless. He could only stare back at Mikan as she continued to sneer at him, eyes full of a mad glee. He could see memory in her eyes. She knew something he didn't. But he also already knew she'd never tell, and he refused to stoop to the level of asking her.

"What a pity. I feel sorry for you," she said patronizingly before turning to the others. "I'm sure nobody here would understand but, Love is a wonderful thing. Ahhh, this feeling of freedom where you no longer care about anything! It was just my beloved and I! Not even hope or despair could touch us. That is why, no matter how much they tease me, splash me with water, kick me... It's like nothing matters! I could just die, that's how little it matters! Who cares about hope or despair! It's love, only love!"

"And hey, the reason I became like this wasn't my fault. It was all your fault, you know?" Mikan sniffed haughtily. "It's not like I'm entirely responsible for turning out like this. I'm the person I am today because of many human relationships. So it's everybody's fault that I turned out like this, you see?" she continued, but the others still didn't understand. They still didn't remember.

But what did any of that matter now? They wanted the truth, so here it was! Even if no one else remembered, Mikan did, and that was enough. For once, one witness was enough. This time, it was her testimony that carried all the weight. This time, it was she who was correct, no one else. They turned her into a killer, so they were to blame.

"But Mikan, the trial only cared about immediate evidence surrounding the case, not everyone's entire backstory," someone said timidly.

"Tch!" Mikan scoffed. "Immediacy is relative. You all kept making insane claims and leaps of logic in order to dodge suspicion yourselves, but you kept acting like everything I did was somehow a "clue" to my guilt!" Mikan shook her head in disgust.

"The "current me" was most strongly influenced by my beloved's existence," she continued. "They created the version of me that none of you could forgive. But my beloved still forgives me. That is the key difference between all of you and my beloved. Even after seeing how broken I was, they still wanted me. They still loved, cherished and accepted me for who I was, flaws and all. They treated me… as an equal! While you all could never accept any version of me, they accepted me right away and helped mold me into someone… happy."

Her eyes grew love-crazed again and she gave another unhinged giggle.

"So it's over. It's really... Now I can go to my beloved who always forgives me!" she sighed dreamily. "Please forgive me, the one who's going to die with the hope of finally seeing you!" she pleaded. Even in her final minutes, Mikan could do nothing but beg forgiveness, but this time, she did it with a smile on her face. But that was because, for once in her life, she felt assured that she would be forgiven. Her beloved always forgave her. Even if her beloved might not like that Mikan hoped to see them again, that beloved would forgive Mikan either way. What a blessed reassurance! That was why Mikan was able to hold her head high, even though death was fast approaching.

Besides, she thought absentmindedly, Even in the worst and most impossible scenario, where my beloved does not forgive me, it will surely plunge me into such despair that I will still have achieved my goal regardless! And at the very least, I will no longer be here. That will be enough…

She gave her peers one last little frown, narrowing her eyes, but she said nothing more. Instead, she only gave Monokuma a small nod.

"It's punishment time."

AN: Just really enjoyed Mikan's trial and breakdown and backstory, so I wanted to write part of it out and theorize what her trains of thought were during the trial. Hope you all enjoyed!