Meeck on tumblr sent me the prompt "However many years we have left, I want to spend them all with you" + krexie. This fic is more-or-less the fic that I was going to write for Krexie Week but accidentally deleted. (It's also based on a dream I once had.) This is my first time writing this heavy of a make-out scene, so I hope it's okay!

Krel had to focus very intently on what he was doing. It had to be perfect, and he couldn't afford to be distracted. He had to make this perfect. He needed to fix things.

A bitter laugh escaped his lips before he could stop it. Douxie was always trying to fix things. Krel could fix broken machinery and make it even better than it had been originally, but Douxie wasn't a machine. There was nothing Krel could have done to fix Douxie, especially not with pancakes. Krel's cooking couldn't undo Bellroc and Skrael's ritual. It couldn't give Douxie back his magic. All Krel could hope to do was give Douxie the strength to finally be well enough to be in the same room as another person without having a panic attack.

Krel sighed. It could have been worse. A week and a half ago, Douxie had been kidnapped by Bellroc and Skrael. Well, perhaps kidnapped wasn't the best word. Kidnapped didn't describe just how brave Douxie had been (and perhaps foolish, but it wasn't like there had been any good decisions to make.) Douxie had held the two of them off while Archie got Nari to safety, and then the dragon and the demigod had called all of their Arcadian allies for backup.

It could have been worse. They had all thought it had been worse when Archie's eyes had changed to the green they had been before he had become Douxie's familiar. The only way that could have happened was if the familiar bond had been broken. It should have meant that Douxie was dead or his soul had been ripped to pieces. Archie had let out a broken yowl at that moment, and seeing Douxie bloodied and bruised, lying so pale and still between Bellroc and Skrael had broken something in Krel as well. And yet, when they had saved his corpse (so they'd have something to bury, as strange as it was that he was not yet ashes; so that Bellroc and Skrael couldn't desecrate and reanimate him into something utterly wrong to use against the rest of them), there had been a faint pulse and slow, unsteady breathing. And Krel, foolishly, had thought that Douxie would have been okay.

Krel bit his lip. No, Douxie would be okay. Eventually. Somehow. Krel didn't know how. His boyfriend needed therapy but being in a room with another person set off a panic attack, and they all knew from his texts and calls (mostly texts, he wasn't often answering his phone) that he was only getting worse from the isolation. He needed help, and they didn't know how they could give it to him.

And so, Krel was making pancakes, because it was his turn to make sure that Douxie was eating. They were all taking turns, texting Douxie to let him know they'd be coming so he could hide, and then make food for him as silently as possible. Krel wouldn't have been surprised if Douxie preferred it when Jim came to check up on him, since Jim was better at cooking than the rest of them, especially Krel. In multiple ways, Krel preferred when he wasn't the one checking on his boyfriend. It was hard, knowing that Douxie was hurting in such a close proximity and yet Krel's very presence would only make everything worse. Knowing that if Krel had been there sooner…

If Krel had been there sooner, then…

It wasn't fair.

Douxie was staying in the Mothership since it was a secure area that wouldn't require that many people to give up their dwelling in order to give him space to be isolated and not constantly panicking. The day before Douxie had been released from the hospital, Krel and his friends had cleaned out the apartment in New York and had moved everything to the Mothership, but the boxes they had packed remained mostly untouched. Only the one containing Douxie's clothes (and the small velvet box that Krel felt guilty to think about) had been moved out from the living room.

In the meantime, Krel had been crashing on Toby's couch. Archie was now staying with Claire, and Nari was with Zoe. Krel would finish the pancakes, and then he would leave, and the second the door was locked behind him he would text Douxie to tell him that the house was empty. And once Krel had done that, he would walk away, collapse in one of the chairs by the pool, and start sobbing over everything that had been done to Douxie and every single way that Krel could have been better and prevented this from happening. And then, once he was done crying, Krel would walk back to Toby's house. It wasn't fair. Douxie didn't deserve this.

Krel heard a gasp, and his first thought was that he needed to hold it together just a little longer. The pancakes were almost done. And then he realized that he wasn't the one who gasped, and dread filled his core. Surely he had texted to let Douxie know that Krel was there. Except, no, he couldn't remember if he had texted or not. Kleb, he didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be the one to break what small and fragile peace Douxie had found for himself.

Krel turned off the stove and turned towards his boyfriend. Douxie had the blanket from Krel's bed wrapped around himself. He was still so pale, so much paler than he'd been two and a half weeks ago. Then again, it could have easily been the white hair playing tricks on Krel's eyes. Krel was pretty sure that every hair on Douxie's body had gone white as a scar from having his magic and soul ripped out, with one permanently gone and the other damaged in a way that no one could tell if it was magical in nature or just the normal ways that a human pushed too hard could break.

Douxie wasn't showing any outward signs of a panic attack, which was a good sign. Maybe he was feeling better? Douxie looked almost hopeful as he took a step towards Krel. He reached for where his bracer was supposed to be and flinched when he hit bare skin. Both the bracer and the staff had been destroyed by the Arcane Order. He flicked his wrists and fingers in the way he did to cast simple spells, and nothing happened. All the hope in his gaze left him, but he didn't start trembling and screaming.

"I… I thought…" Douxie sniffled.

"Do you want me to hug you?" Douxie nodded, and Krel wrapped all four of his arms around his boyfriend.

"Everyone else I've seen, they're wrong." Douxie said against the crook of Krel's neck. "Ever since I lost my magic, but not you. Not now."

Krel frowned. This was the first time he and Douxie had been alone together in two and a half weeks. Except, it wasn't supposed to be the first time they had been alone together in so long. They were supposed to have spent the day together on the day that Bellroc and Skrael had attacked the New York apartment, but something infinitely less important had come up and Krel had cancelled their plans so that they would only spend the evening together. Krel had been so stupid; he had thought it was supposed to be a normal day for the two of them, not one that was going to change their lives forever no matter what. (It was supposed to have been for the better.) If Krel had been earlier like he was supposed to have been then maybe –

Krel squeezed his boyfriend a little tighter. Douxie didn't need to hear about Krel's guilt, because knowing Douxie he would try to make Krel feel better and make himself feel worse in the process.

This was the first time he and Douxie had been alone together in two and a half weeks. Could it be that there was something about Krel's presence specifically, or would this have happened with anyone?

"How do they look wrong?"

"I… I don't know, they just… it's like there's something that I should be seeing and it's not there but it's there for you and –"

"Breathe," Krel said, rubbing small circles into Douxie's back. When Douxie's breathing evened out again, Krel resumed speaking. "Do you think it's possible that you were sensing everyone else's magic? And now you aren't, and didn't realize?"

Akiridions weren't magical creatures, and even after living near the reignited Heartstone for years Nari couldn't sense Krel, even though all the humans of Arcadia could be considered magical from constant exposure to the Heartstone. That had been what had saved Krel back when the Arcane Order had taken all of his frozen friends back to their fortress on the night that he and Douxie had met. If Krel was right, then Douxie was seeing Krel as he always had, completely without magic.

"I… doing that subconsciously would've taken a lot of spare magic, and I don't remember ever not doing that so…" Two weeks ago, Douxie probably would have sounded smug about how powerful that must have made him, and Krel would have told him off for it, and Douxie would have made some joke about pots and kettles. Right now, though, he was quiet. Mournful.

And then he did something Krel didn't expect – Douxie turned his head to kiss Krel. Douxie licked at Krel's lips, and when Krel opened his mouth Douxie coaxed Krel's tongue into his mouth.

Douxie didn't normally initiate kisses like this. He tended to go for gentle, brushing kisses and touches. If their kiss was going to get more heated, then it was almost always Krel who would coax the kiss in that direction. They had had an argument over this four months into dating, because Krel had mistaken Douxie's gentleness for a lack of trust, had thought that just because Krel wasn't good at hand-to-hand fights like the rest of their friends that Douxie thought Krel was fragile and needed to be handled delicately. Douxie hadn't been intending to, as Krel has found out, he had just genuinely liked a multitude of soft, brushing, gentle kisses over a single deep and heated kiss. Not that Douxie disliked more heated kisses; Krel had been pleased to learn just how much Douxie liked it when Krel demonstrated that Akiridion tongues were longer and more flexible than human tongues. And yet, in their six years of dating, even when Douxie was the one to deepen the kiss, he always took his time doing so, not like right now.

Right now, Douxie kissed Krel like only something within Krel's mouth could fill the emptiness within him. It wouldn't. Krel wanted to kiss Douxie until Douxie was fixed, but he couldn't fix his boyfriend. All he could do was try to comfort him, and so Krel reached up to cradle Douxie's jaw. With his thumb, Krel traced Douxie's cheek. A tear fell onto Krel's thumb, and Douxie pulled away from Krel.

"I'm sorry, I, I'm sorry," Douxie said between wet, gasping sobs.

"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm making this harder. On both of us."

"Making what harder?"

"I'm going to die. I was, I, I was prepared to outlive our friends! I would've been okay with staying alive for centuries after them because that's what I do!" Krel reached out to rub Douxie's shoulder in a way that would hopefully comfort him and remind him to breathe as opposed to hyperventilate. "I'm going to die, and you're going to outlive me by centuries. You should, you, you shouldn't have to go through that. Watching me waste away even more from how broken I am now."

Maybe, if they were to revisit this conversation, Krel would point out that he already had outlived Douxie, when he survived the night they first met and Douxie had fallen out of the sky. But not now. No reminders of Douxie's newfound mortality were needed, not when everything was a reminder, down to the bangs hanging in front of Douxie's tear-filled eyes.

"However many years we have left, I want to spend them all with you." If you'll have me.

"But I'm not who I used to be."

"I still love you."

"I love you too, but you deserve better than me."

"No, I don't." If anything, Douxie deserved better than a boyfriend who had pushed their date until the evening and thus not have been there to protect Douxie. And, as Archie had explained, Douxie had been planning on proposing the day he had been attacked, with the two of them going out for a celebratory dinner afterwards, a dinner that Douxie had planned to turn into when he would propose instead. And, as Claire had found on accident, Douxie had a ring and everything. Krel didn't feel worthy of being Douxie's fiancé, but if he had showed up when he was supposed to, he would have said yes. "And I don't want anyone other than you. Even if you did cut in line."

Douxie laughed a little. Krel took a corner of the blanket and used it to dry Douxie's tears. "Are you hungry?" Krel asked. "Because the pancakes are still warm."

Krel expected Douxie to go wait sit and wait as Krel served up the pancakes, but instead he hovered next to Krel. "Are you going to eat?"

Krel wasn't planning on it, but Douxie would get sad when Krel neglected his health, so Krel grabbed a second plate and snagged the smallest of the pancakes. The two of them ate in silence. Krel kept an eye on his boyfriend, whose eyes keep on fluttering closed.

"How…" Krel swallowed the last of the pancake. "Are you sleeping?"

"Not well. I'm tired but I end up just staring ahead blankly at the wall for hours, and even if I'm able to fall asleep I'm just going to wake up an hour later, screaming." Douxie leaned against Krel, yawning quietly. "I'm so tired of screaming. I'm so tired…"

"Do you want to go back to sleep? I can pack up the food and then go."

"Stay." Douxie tightly grabbed one of Krel's wrists between both his hands. Then his grip loosened as a guilty look overcame his face. "I mean, you don't have to. I'm sure you have better things to do."

Krel softly pressed his lips to Douxie's forehead. "I have nothing better to do than to stay by your side as long as you need or want me to."

Krel would have stayed by Douxie's side for hundreds of keltons if the universe had allowed it.

"That being said," Krel continued, "I will need to eventually go retrieve my stuff from Toby's. Do you think you'll be able to come with?"

Douxie frowned. "I don't know. Knowing why I can't be around people –"

"– maybe why," Krel interrupted because he didn't want to give his boyfriend false hope.

"Maybe why I can't be around people helps, but I don't know if I can actually be around people who aren't you. Not yet."

"Take as long as you need. I'll be here for you."

For the record, it's entirely possible to get therapy via a video call, even pre-pandemic. I once did this and I found I preferred in-person, but that would be a viable option for Douxie to use while he's still getting used to the whole "can't sense other people's magic" thing. Also, it wasn't until well into the fic I realized that I had completely forgotten the existence of the Blanks, so feel free to come up w/your own reason why they're not there.