Eros and Agape Part 2: Anomalies
By Spunky0ne (aka Imatastyporkcutletbowl)
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Victor and Yuuri set out on their journey to reach the Grand Prix Finals in Barcelona and find it is also a mission to define themselves as more than the Alpha and Omega labels that cling to them…Omegaverse…Victuuri, some Otabek/Yurio
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Chapter 1: On Dreams
Victor waited patiently, until after dinner, when he and Yuuri rested amidst a pile of pillows near the table, their bodies still radiating with warmth from their soak in the hot springs and their bellies full of delicious katsudon and sake, before he retrieved a small pack he had been carrying and pulled out several items. Yuuri looked on curiously, then blinked in surprise as he spotted something familiar.
"Isn't that…?"
"The daruma that you and your family sent to me while I was in the hospital in Tokyo recovering from my surgery? Yes," the elder skater affirmed, setting his daruma alongside a second one and taking out two little paintbrushes and a small amount of paint, "I know that I was supposed to think of a goal, something to reach for, to wish for…and I think now is a good time to do that. But, I also thought that it would be a good time for you to do the same, Yuuri."
Yuuri smiled and nodded, accepting the second daruma and examining it quietly for a moment.
"I already know what I'm reaching for," he replied, picking up one of the brushes and dipping it into the paint.
"Good," Victor said approvingly, picking up his own daruma and paintbrush, "I want you to picture your goal. Imagine every detail. Think of how it will feel to climb onto the podium, the cool air coming off of the ice, the roar of the crowd and the euphoric feeling of having achieved exactly what you set out to do. Imagine it until you feel like you are standing there in that wonderful moment…and then paint the first eye."
Yuuri nodded and closed his eyes.
I've won smaller competitions before, so I know what he means when he talks about the coolness of the air and the sounds of the crowd. I've never been to Barcelona before, but I've watched competitions on TV that took place in that arena, so I know what it looks like.
I can imagine…
My heart still pounding from my performance, but it manages to pound harder as my name is called and I skate out to the podium, where the silver and bronze medalists have taken their places. The roar gets louder as I reach it and two hands reach out to help me onto the stand. The presenter goes to the bronze medalist first and the silver medalist second, to deliver their awards and flowers, then he stops in front of me. I can just imagine taking a second to look at Victor, who is wearing a proud smile. His eyes are shining with happy tears as I bow and I feel the little weight of the medal around my neck. The scent of the flowers reaches me, and I smile and accept them from the presenter. The sound of cheering surges again and I wave and bow gratefully.
"Wow," Victor chuckled appreciatively, "that must be some impressive vision."
"Well, you said to be detailed," Yuuri answered, blushing.
"Yes, I did," Victor agreed, turning his attention to the daruma in his hand.
Yuuri painted one eye of his own daruma, then watched as Victor finished and set his daruma next to Yuuri's on the table to dry.
"Good," he sighed, keeping his gaze on the two daruma, "We need to keep our goals clearly in mind as we move forward. Having a clear vision of what we want is the first step to reaching it. But…clear vision isn't all that it's going to take."
"Hard work?" Yuuri posited.
"Of course," Victor replied, matter-of-factly, "but there is something else too. Yuuri, you know, when I was younger and I was working my way upward, I did set goals for every new season and every individual competition, but I also had a greater vision…something that I would fall back on and think about when the going got rough. I'm sure you know that the way wasn't always smooth for me. I sometimes fell. I lost. I became ill sometimes or I got injured. During those times, it helped to think about my reasons for continuing to fight. Wanting to win a competition or to reach a certain level is good, but you need to have a longer term wish…a dream. Do you understand?"
Yuuri's already lovely smile warmed.
"I think I do."
"Just like that?" Victor asked, looking amused, "That was fast. I'm impressed."
"Well, it's the same dream that I was chasing when I got into the last Grand Prix Final," Yuuri explained, a pretty flush overtaking his features again, "I always wanted to be able to skate on the same ice as you…in competition. I hope that I win the Grand Prix Final and that I can compete against you at worlds."
Victor's happy expression became joyful.
"That sounds perfect!" he praised his blushing student, "Very good, Yuuri."
Victor's smile wavered very slightly as he reached into his pack and removed a small package. He looked down at it quietly for a moment, swallowing hard.
I can't tell you the true meaning of this next gift, Yuuri, but I promise I will when the time is right. For now…let her just inspire you the way that she inspires me.
"What is that?" Yuuri asked.
"It's…something for the two of us," Victor answered, slowly unwrapping the package and removing two small jewelry boxes.
He handed one of the boxes to Yuuri and held the other in his hand.
"Go ahead. Open it."
He watched silently, closing his eyes for a moment as Yuuri opened the box to reveal the small golden skate pendant.
It hurts.
"Victor," Yuuri breathed softly, his eyes shining as he admired the gold pendant, "it's just…beautiful! I…I don't even know what to say."
He picked up the skate and turned it over in his hand, then he froze for a moment, staring at the tiny inscription on the back.
Yume?
"We must always have a dream," Victor whispered, keeping his burning eyes closed, "something that pushes us forward, even when we think we've lost the strength to move. It's not going to be easy to reach the dream we desire. We have to fight for it, Yuuri, and no matter what, we have to keep trying until we get there."
So…yume isn't a person, but an idea?
Did I misunderstand Victor before? But…why would he choose a Japanese word? Is it because I am Japanese and he's trying to relate to me?
What is he thinking?
Yuuri's breath caught and he startled as Victor's warm hand touched his, taking the pendant and letting it dangle on its chain as he moved into position behind Yuuri and fastened it around his neck.
"Our dreams are precious, Yuuri," Victor breathed into his ear, "Not all of them come to fruition, but they are important because they shift the course of our lives and set us on new paths, even if the old ones suddenly disappear. Whatever happens, we still have our dreams."
Yuuri turned to face his mentor and Victor reached out and touched the pendant with a gentle fingertip.
"I had these made with that idea in mind," he explained to his spellbound student, "I thought that…when things get difficult during this season, when you are out there on the ice and I can't be right with you, you can touch this to remind yourself why we are fighting these battles."
Yuuri swallowed hard and nodded, then he accepted the second pendant and moved around Victor to fasten it in place around the Russian skater's neck. He didn't miss the little shiver that went through Victor's slender body as the metal touched him and the quickening of his breaths.
This really means something to Victor. I rarely see him acting this serious.
I wonder…
"Thank you," Victor said, stroking the pendant lightly for a moment longer before letting his hand drop.
He nodded back in the direction of the table.
"Now, we should get back to drinking," he chuckled.
"You don't think we've had enough?" Yuuri mused, grinning.
"You should enjoy tonight," Victor warned him, "It's going to be a grueling summer of training and you aren't going to have any competitions, so no katsudon until you win again."
"Oh my god, you're right," Yuuri sighed, looking at his empty bowl, then looking up hopefully as his mother came into the room.
"How are you boys doing?" she asked.
"I think I need another pork cutlet bowl," Yuuri requested.
Hiroko smiled and nodded.
"What about you, Vic-chan? Do you want anything else?"
"Oh, I'm fine with the sake. One pork cutlet bowl was enough for me," he sighed, reaching for his glass and drinking deeply to stave off the ache that had opened up inside him.
He watched as Hiroko left for the kitchen, then he sighed again and staggered to his feet, swaying a little before steadying himself.
"You all right?" Yuuri asked in a concerned tone.
"Fine," Victor lied, "I just…need to excuse myself for a moment. I'll be right back."
He stumbled back to his room, his head spinning and the ache in his belly growing until he couldn't bear it anymore. He barely made it into the bathroom before dropping to his knees and expelling everything he had eaten and drunk at dinner. Sitting back against the wall, he buried his face in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
What's wrong with me?
It's like I can't stop!
Uncertainty stabbed his insides as he tried to remember whether or not he'd had the presence of mind to close the bedroom and bathroom doors on the way in, but he couldn't lift his head enough to check. Hard, muted sobs continued to shake his body as pent up grief poured out of him. He wasn't sure how long he remained there before he felt a familiar touch on his shoulder and he didn't have to look up to know who was there. He turned into Hiroko's waiting arms, burying his face in her shoulder, shocked out of making any more sounds, but still shedding tears. He was sure he was beyond answering any questions about his behavior, but to his surprise, she didn't ask. Her arms remained locked around him, anchoring and comforting as he worked for several long minutes to bring his burgeoning pain under control. Finally, the hold it had over him relinquished and he loosed it in a hard, shuddering breath and relaxed.
I just feel so empty and tired now.
The pendant with her ashes in it feels so…heavy.
As though she'd read his mind, she helped him to his feet, out of the bathroom and into his bed. She tucked him in and leaned over to kiss him on the forehead. As she began to withdraw, Victor touched her arm and his still-teary eyes looked into hers.
"Thank you."
"No thanks are needed, dear," Hiroko assured him, "but…maybe it would be good for you to think a bit more on what Doctor Enatsu discussed with you before?"
"The counseling," Victor mused, biting uncomfortably at his lips.
"I know that you said that you didn't think you needed it, because you felt that you were accepting and managing your grief on your own. I am not questioning your strength…"
"Oh, I know that, Mama Katsuki," Victor assured her, managing a little smile, "You always try to help. I just…I thought that I was doing all right. I expected to feel sad, even to cry sometimes. But when I gave Yuuri the pendant…something shifted and I realized I was holding back more emotion than I thought. I barely got out of the room before it got the best of me."
He paused and ran shaky hands over his pale, sweaty face.
"I suppose I can't just let it go on like this."
Neither noticed Yuuri had arrived outside the door and remained, watching silently.
"I have perfect faith in Yuuri," Victor went on in a soft tone, barely loud enough for his concealed student to hear, "I know that he is going to work hard and he will medal in the Grand Prix Final. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think that was true. But, while he trains, I want him to be very focused. He needs to bring all of himself to his performances if he is going to win. Everything else has to wait."
"I understand, dear," Hiroko assured him, "I only wish that you would consider letting Yuuri be supportive of you also. You take so much on yourself and you don't seem to feel comfortable sharing the weight with him. I know that your expectations for him as your student are high, but while you are training together, you can also rely on him as a friend. Maybe, because you are used to taking care of yourself…"
Victor let out a shaky breath and shook his head.
"Yuuri has enough to deal with without him adding my problems," he sighed wearily, "I promise I will call the counselor that Doctor Enatsu recommended. I understand the importance of maintaining my own health while training Yuuri."
He broke off as Yuuri burst suddenly into the room, then skidded to a stop, blinking as he tried to make sense of his own action.
Victor stiffened slightly, but calmed again almost immediately as Hiroko gave them a smile and left the room. Yuuri took a steadying breath and his hands clenched and unclenched as he gathered his courage.
"I…ah…you didn't come back," he said finally, watching Victor's curious expression and noting the tired, pained look in his blue-green eyes, "I got worried that maybe you were sick or something."
"I just drank too much at dinner," Victor answered, relaxing as Yuuri came closer to the bed, "Mama Katsuki was kind enough to take care of me. I will be fine, Yuuri. You should go back and enjoy your dinner."
"Oh, I'm done with that," Yuuri chuckled.
"So quickly," Victor teased, "Maybe I'm going too easy on you."
"Don't worry," Yuuri assured him, moving another step closer to him, "I will be ready to train tomorrow. I promise that I'll give you my best."
"I know you will, but we should get some sleep."
"Yeah," Yuuri agreed, deflating a little.
He paused, thinking for a moment, then he took another breath and braced himself.
"But…do you think that I could sit with you for awhile…just while you fall asleep? I mean, we don't have to talk or anything, if you're tired, I just…it seemed like maybe something was bothering you and I…"
"I'm fine, Yuuri," Victor lied, "I told you I just drank too much. You know I do that sometimes."
"Yeah, I do," Yuuri admitted as he reached the chair Hiroko had been sitting in, "but I feel like there's something bothering you and maybe that's why you were drinking so much. You don't have to say anything, just…let me stay for a little while?"
Victor's hand rose and rubbed his chin briefly as he considered, then he gave a little nod and patted the space on the bed, beside him.
"Okay," he relented, "I think that might help me fall asleep. It's been harder to do that, being away from home…and Macca's been sleeping in your room, so he hasn't been here for me to hug while I fall asleep, like I do at home."
"Oh!" Yuuri exclaimed softly as he blushed furiously, but climbed onto the bed, sitting on top of the covers beside his idol, "I'm sorry. He just…follows me to bed."
"I know. It's fine, Yuuri. Maccachin is sensitive to people's emotions. If he's choosing to sleep next to you, I have confidence it's right for him to do that."
"But what about you?" Yuuri objected.
Victor's warmer smile returned and he reached over to squeeze Yuuri's hand.
"Well, you're here now, and that is just fine with me. Maybe, while I fall asleep, you can look over your performance video from the competition and try to pick out some things to work on."
Yuuri gave a knowing chuckle.
"Like the Salchow landing," he offered.
"Of course," Victor agreed, "That was horrible, Yuuri."
"Yeah," Yuuri sighed, blushing again and reaching up to play with the ends of his hair, "I know."
"And I don't know why, after all of that work you did, you managed to do such an incredibly poor triple axel."
"Hey! It wasn't that bad," Yuuri complained.
"If it wasn't for your high component score and the fact that no one was expecting you to try to seduce me right in front of them with all of that girlish ass shaking…"
"Victor!" Yuuri yelped, making the Russian skater laugh and ruffle his hair with affectionate fingers.
"You know, you really do have impressive flexibility."
"Ah…"
Victor reached over and picked up a laptop that was sitting on the nightstand. He handed it to Yuuri, who set it on the bed in front of him and touched the keys to play back the performance video. He watched Yurio's performance first as Victor slid down under the covers and closed his eyes.
"Wow," Yuuri sighed, "Yurio's such a great skater. I don't know how I managed to win."
"He is a great skater," Victor mumbled sleepily, not bothering to look at the laptop, "but he lacks experience…experience he will gain during the skating season. He will make rapid progress, so you will have to work harder to beat him next time."
"Y-yeah," Yuuri agreed, "I know. I'm going to work really hard with you this summer, Victor, and I'm going to win."
"Yes," Victor breathed, beginning to drop off, "you are going to win."
Yuuri bit at his lips, breathing slowly to steady himself before continuing.
"Thank you, Victor, for coming to Hasetsu to be my coach. It really means a lot to me…and I promise you that I will do everything you ask of me. I'm going to give you everything I've got this season!"
But all he received in response was a soft, contented snore.
Yuuri lifted a hand and touched the tips of his fingers to the golden skate charm Victor had given him, then he climbed off of the bed and slipped out of the room, pausing to turn off the lights before taking a last look at Victor's relaxed, sleeping form.
There are still secrets, things Victor seems to feel like he can't share, some kind of burden that he thinks he has to carry alone…and maybe he's right not to entrust them to me yet. Victor and I are getting to know each other. I hope that as we get closer, maybe he'll start to rely on me more.
Right now, I'm just so glad that I won and he didn't leave.
We'll just have to work on the rest this summer.