2021 Cullen Week theme: Honnleath, Friendship
This is a gift one-shot for Kemvee (*AO3*/users/Kemvee), whose portrait of Cullen inspired all of this. It is also my second entry for 2021 Cullen Week (April 1-7). Finally, it serves as the second teaser fic for Where the Waves Crest (波が上り詰める所), an upcoming long fic beginning on Sunday, May 2 featuring Cullen Rutherford and Tharin Trevelyan in Japan.
Before I begin, I must express my profound gratitude to MoonCrisis (*FFN*/u/1538943/MoonCrisis), the best beta reader anyone could ask for! Their patience and their ability to fix even the most poorly written chapters never cease to amaze me.
Obviously, I do not own the rights to any characters or materials directly derived from the Dragon Age franchise, which all belong to BioWare. I do not, and will never, profit from the publication and the distribution of this fan fiction.
SPOILER WARNING! Potential spoilers for Ghibli movies discussed: My Neighbor Totoro, Porco Rosso, Ocean Waves, and Mei and the Kittenbus.
TRIGGER WARNING! Some discussion of homophobia and bullying.
When Cullen Rutherford was fourteen, his parents passed away from a car accident.
Honnleath, New Hampshire was a small town. The news reached everyone quickly, and a few of the town's adults pitched in to help the Rutherford children. The next couple weeks blurred into something of a fugue state for the family as funeral arrangements were made and bureaucratic procedures were taken care of.
But after the funeral was over and the townsfolk went back to their respective lives, the Rutherford children were left to take care of themselves. After all, Mia, the eldest, was eighteen. She could be the new caretaker. That seemed to be the consensus, in spite of the fact that she never wished to be one.
For the longest while, Cullen felt adrift and lost. Like a ship left unmoored. Despite Mia's best efforts, he grunted monosyllabic greetings and never divulged what he was feeling at the moment. He diligently helped out around the house and took care of Branson and Rosalie, the younger siblings, but that was it. No heart-to-heart conversations.
Because he could not find the right way to verbalize what he was feeling at any moment. At least, not without fearing he would completely fall apart as he expressed his feelings.
Cullen had just begun high school. Raleigh Samson, his best pal all through elementary and middle schools, used to drop by once every few weeks to hang out. After the tragic deaths of Cullen's parents, he began to come over much more frequently.
Raleigh, or Leigh as he was usually called, was a gawky kid. A beanpole. While Cullen joined the school's swimming team and started to fill out from practices and meets, Raleigh remained a studious nerd and their circles of friends began to diverge. It was too bad because Cullen liked him. Loved him, really. But between school, swimming, caring for the family, and moping about his parents, Cullen did not have extra energy to invest in a friendship that was slowly but surely disintegrating.
Leigh, however, put in the work. By the time the good people of Honnleath left the Rutherford children to their own devices, Leigh came over every day during the week.
They would pick up Branson and Rosalie from an elderly neighbor's house where they waited after their schools were let out, but once they got home, Cullen made sure they would play by themselves away from the living room. Until Mia was back, Cullen and Leigh got to monopolize the living room space.
Not that Cullen and Leigh did anything dangerous or out of bounds. Like good kids they were, they would do homework together, and then relax by watching DVDs of movies Leigh picked for them. Eventually, Mia would come home from her grueling job, ask Leigh if he wanted to stay for dinner, and be slightly relieved when the friend politely declined and went home.
The movies were usually comedies. Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller, and Adam Sandler. Not exactly the most cerebral of the choices, but at least distracting enough. But one day in December, Leigh brought something different.
Anime had become fairly popular among his peers at school, and even Cullen, who was not necessarily attuned to trends, knew about Studio Ghibli. But he never sought it out himself. But that day, Leigh had brought to his house a DVD of My Neighbor Totoro. Without giving much thought, Cullen assented to watching it. Must be cool if Leigh wants to watch it, he thought.
As he watched the movie that celebrated childlike innocence of two girls, Satsuki and Mei, the corner of Cullen's heart began to swell into something uncomfortably heavy. As the end credits rolled and the two girls' mother returned home from the hospital, something broke in Cullen. At first, he thought he was about to sneeze. Instead, he began to sob.
"Why… am I… crying?" asked Cullen, honestly confused. The tears overflowed and rolled across his cheeks. They gathered on his jawline until their weights became too much for them to hold. They then dripped. Dripped, dripped without stopping.
Instead of answering, Leigh engulfed him in a side embrace. Cullen leaned his head against his friend's shoulder, his tears staining Leigh's sweater.
Leigh whispered, "It's okay."
And they stayed that way for what felt like an eternity. The credits were long finished, and the screen had returned to the main menu.
And then something happened that confounded Cullen even more. Leigh gently grasped Cullen's chin and fused their lips.
Stunned, Cullen froze for a second before he recoiled from the sofa. His head felt scrambled. At least the surprise stopped the tears. He sniffed loudly, hoping his nose was not running, and yelled, "What the hell?!"
Leigh blurted, "I…" but nothing else followed.
Cullen demanded, "Why'd you do that?!"
Leigh looked disconsolate. With his gaze actively avoiding Cullen's, he susurrated, "I really like you…"
With his heart at his throat, Cullen asked with a breaking voice, "You mean… Like, you're gay, and you like me like you wanna go out with me?"
Even as he continued to look miserable, Leigh somehow managed to sound firm unlike Cullen, who felt like he was losing control of the situation. "Yeah. I mean, I'm not gay, but I wanna go out with you."
"How are you not gay? You kissed me!" shouted Cullen.
And Leigh finally lifted his face to meet Cullen's sharp gaze. He looked determined, "It doesn't matter. All I know is that I really like you."
His friend stood up to reach out for Cullen, and Cullen slapped the hand away angrily. "Don't!" He spat, "I'm definitely not gay, and I definitely don't like you."
A pitter-patter of children's feet. Branson and Rosalie must have heard the arguing. They were probably leaning on the banister on the steps leading downstairs to the living room, straining to hear whatever was going on.
It was then when Cullen felt a horrible urge to call Leigh with a word he'd heard from somewhere. Maybe part of the locker room talk amongst his swim teammates that he had shown no interest participating in. Without his knowing the origin of it, the word was already ingrained in his brain for him to wield like a weapon.
With the air expelled from the lungs by an F at the beginning, the rough sounds of two G's in the middle, and the jumpy ending of a T, it would have been satisfying. But he suppressed it for his siblings' sake if not for Leigh's sake.
Instead, Cullen muttered, "I think you should go."
Weighty silence sat in the living room as Leigh got the DVD out and gathered his things. With the full backpack slung over his shoulder that Cullen cried on, Leigh murmured, "Bye, Cul…"
Cullen saw the front door shut and exhaled. He rubbed his eyes. He liked Leigh, but not that way. Never that way. It was impossible.
His friend never came back.
From that day on, every time Cullen saw Leigh at school, he felt his heart lurch. Sickening and yet hopeful at the same time. But he did nothing about it. As he had done with all the feelings he had held closely after his parents died, he did nothing to ease the burden. As though he were in a cold war with himself, he even refused to process it in his mind.
Cullen's high school was a brutal place for those who were too smart for cool kids. He knew Leigh was an easy target for some brutish jocks raring to bully and torment. Once, he had even run into Leigh being confronted by two football players in a bathroom, but he turned a blind eye. The friendship was no more, and it was none of his business.
He kept mum about what Leigh tried at his house. That was his last act of kindness for their dead friendship.
Only at age thirty-one did Cullen realize he had a crush on Leigh as well.
Cullen had an ancient Yahoo email account that he checked perhaps once every three months, when he remembered to do so. Several data breaches over the years had compromised its security until it was in tatters, and he did not use it for anything. Nine times out of ten, it was filled with junk mails and such, nothing to pay attention to as he moved them to trash. Cullen was not even sure why he kept the account alive. It served no purpose.
Until one day in December 2022 when he received an email from Raleigh Samson.
It had been seventeen years since they last spoke. Cullen's heart drummed as he clicked and opened the email.
Its content was simple and direct. Leigh wanted to reconnect. There was not much to help divine his motivation, but wanting to reconnect could not have been for a bad reason. Yet, Cullen dithered. Cullen was mature enough to see that since that dreary December day, he had failed Leigh in so many ways.
God, how did he do it? Fail friends and family left and right? Feeling a rather significant amount of self-loathing, Cullen hesitantly wrote a reply saying he would be glad to. He could have used the fact that he was stationed in Japan as an excuse not to, but he did not. He supposed he had to face whatever was coming, may it be positive or negative.
In the next email, Leigh suggested a video call. Cullen let it sit in his account for two days before he finally responded in the affirmative.
And one cold day in January, they finally talked face to face. Or as much as the distance would allow them to talk face to face.
"Hey, how are you?" said Leigh with a tight smile.
Cullen replied with a grin that was just as artificial. "I'm good. You?"
"I'm good too."
Leigh looked well enough. His hairline was beginning to recede slightly, but Cullen could still see the young Leigh in his face, and his hazel eyes were the same. And he was no longer a skinny kid. In fact, the exact opposite. He looked muscular, athletic. Someone who could probably take on his bullies well enough now.
They talked about this and that, Cullen feeling afraid to dig into the scar between them left by the confrontation. But as they talked more, they seemed to fall into a nice groove. Something quite different compared to their time as children, but more reserved and calmer.
They talked about their families, their careers… Cullen knew Leigh had joined the army right after high school but had no idea what happened afterwards. Leigh explained that he did many tours in Afghanistan and was now studying to obtain a Psy.D. degree. He said he wanted to help veterans like himself. Unlike recounting his active-duty days, he seemed excited as he talked about his future plan.
Even in military careers, Leigh got the short end of the stick. While Cullen served in the Navy at home or in Japan, considered to be a cushy overseas position, Leigh was deployed to Afghanistan, a war zone. It made Cullen feel even guiltier.
But there was bound to be a lull in the conversation eventually, and when there was one, Leigh sighed and began, "The reason why I wanted to reconnect is because…" His face contorted into another tight grin. "I never liked the way we left things."
Leigh looked away, his gaze now directed downward. "I did a terrible thing to you. Kissing you like that was just… not okay. I'm so sorry, Cul."
"No, it's me who should be sorry. I'm sorry, Leigh. I shouldn't have reacted so terribly. And I should've stood up for you at school. I knew you were being bullied, and I didn't do anything. I was a coward. No, worse than a coward. I was an enabler." Cullen rattled on, feeling like he had to confess his failings right away or else explode from all the guilt he carried.
Leigh's face relaxed. He beamed. "You were always the nicest kid. Only you could make this into something you did wrong. Listen, you were justified in your anger. And I… I didn't expect us to be friends after that.
"You could've been just as bad as all the other popular kids, but you never were. You could've outed me, told everyone about how I tried to kiss you, but you didn't. I mean, true, you could've stood up for me, I guess. But you were also busy mourning your parents and taking care of your family. You didn't have time to be involved in my problems."
Cullen felt his cheeks heat up. "I should've done better by you. You were my best friend, and you deserved more."
Leigh tsked. "Hey, now. It goes both ways. You were my best friend, and I should've been better."
As Cullen stared at his friend's soft smile, something in Cullen clicked. And it dawned on him.
He never allowed himself to contemplate about it that deeply. But now, he had to confront the feelings that had been buried for well over a decade and a half. Because being near Leigh did make him feel some things back then. Some things that he instinctively pushed down.
The same things he felt when Tharin and he first started going out.
He had always thought that his bisexual awakening happened when he was a high school junior and crushed on a senior swimmer. But maybe it was much earlier than he'd realized.
He began to whisper, "I think… I think I really liked you too."
A crease appeared in Leigh's brow. "You mean as a friend? That's a weird thing to say after all these years."
"No, no. As in 'I want to date you.' You and me. I had a crush on you too."
With a raised brow, Leigh asked, "I thought you were straight?"
"I'm bi. I have a boyfriend now."
After interminable silence across the screen, Leigh burst out laughing. "Oh, man. This is too funny. You mean to tell me that you liked me the way I liked you?"
Cullen's voice shook badly. "Y-yeah… I think… you were my first crush on a guy."
Leigh's laughter continued. "Oh, the irony." He ran a finger across his eyes. "Maddie will like this a lot."
"Maddie?"
"Maddox. My husband. We met in the army. Don't Ask, Don't Tell was a bitch, I tell ya." Leigh held up his left hand, showing the wedding band.
"C-congratulations," stammered Cullen.
"Why, thank you." Leigh shook his head and chuckled some more. "I just can't believe it. Cullen Rutherford, a state swim champion, a sailor, and a general man's man is actually a man's man."
Cullen scowled. "It's not that funny."
And Leigh, infuriatingly enough, smirked. "You have to admit, it is a little."
"Fine." Cullen harrumphed, but nothing came to him as he thought of a good retort to that snarky comment. "I guess it is."
On second Saturday of the month, Cullen decided to cook for his boyfriend.
Not to say that he was all that skilled at cooking. The most sophisticated meal he could manage to make was tonkatsu, miso soup, and a side salad, all Japanese household staples.
After dropping by the grocery store with Tharin, at which they light-heartedly bickered about various things that they did differently while shopping, Cullen stood at Tharin's kitchenette breading thick pieces of pork loin and boiling bonito stock for the soup.
Tharin's place was a tiny studio with no dining room. Cullen sat at the desk as he ate, and Tharin used a plastic platter to hold his cup of chilled barley tea, a bowl of the soup, and the plate in place as he partook on his bed. It felt like Cullen was back in his college dorm room, which he found enjoyable, bizarrely enough.
As Cullen clumsily used chopsticks to pick up a piece of the cutlet and dip it in the steak sauce, Tharin chortled and began, "You were humming the Totoro theme song while cooking."
"Oh, was I?" Cullen tried to sound indifferent, but worried that he'd failed. The video call with Leigh inspired him to look up the theme song on YouTube two days ago. Ever since then, it had been playing in his head in repeat.
Tharin snorted. "Yeah, you were. I'd recognize that tune anywhere."
"I looked up the theme song the other day. I just remembered liking the movie as a kid. That's all."
"Do you secretly love Ghibli movies? Is that what's happening?" Tharin set the platter aside and stood up from the bed. He then approached to peck a light kiss on Cullen's forehead. "I mean, I thought you were all macho until you told me you liked Lost in Translation. Is this the same situation?"
Cullen felt his face flush. He did not want to get into the how and why. And so, he merely nodded.
Tharin caressed the back of Cullen's neck as he teased in a soft baritone, "Am I gonna find you covered in puppies and kittens one day? Christ, I don't think you understand how cute you are sometimes." With a laughter spreading in his voice, Tharin asked, "Would you like for us to go visit the Ghibli Museum? I haven't made it there yet because it's too far away, but it might be worth it if you like Ghibli movies."
Cullen agreed immediately, glad to change the subject and feel the anxiety within him subside, "Yeah, that would be nice. I didn't know Ghibli had its own Museum, but that's cool."
"In the meantime, have you seen Porco Rosso?"
Cullen shook his head.
Tharin's face glowed. "Then we should watch it! I think you'd really like it."
And Cullen couldn't say no to his boyfriend, especially when his handsome face glowed like that. "Sure. We can do that."
That evening, sitting on the bed curled up with Tharin and feeling cozy, Cullen found himself enjoying Porco Rosso immensely. A debonair Italian flying ace cursed to live as a pig? Free spirits resisting the encroaching shadow of fascism in the Adriatic? He was all in from the get-go.
Plus, it was nice to be able to feel Tharin's body heat and smell his scent. It was always nice to be able to do that.
As usual, Tharin with his impressive Japanese skill navigated the complicated process of planning for the visit. The Ghibli Museum apparently had a peculiar way of managing visitors. They had to purchase tickets through a special website. Only a week's worth of tickets was available at any time, and tickets were gone in the blink of an eye as soon as they were released. Tharin looked proud as he explained how he kept refreshing the page to make sure he was able to get the tickets for Saturday, January 28, the day of Cullen's liberty.
Tharin was not exaggerating when he said the Museum was far away. And there were many transfers. On the day of their visit, Cullen woke up even earlier than usual at 0530 and left the naval base right before 0645.
He had prepared himself for a two-hour long journey. With his reader app full of new books for him to peruse, he embarked on the Yokosuka Line. He met up with Tharin at Shin-Kawasaki Station, rode on a Shōnan-Shinjuku Line train until Shinjuku Station, and then transferred to the Chūō Line and headed to Mitaka Station.
Tharin planned to have them arrive earlier so that they could grab a light breakfast at a convenience store in Mitaka. The two men left the non-descript concrete and steel station building behind and walked through an alleyway that meandered through the neighborhood. They need not walk far. Just a street away from the station square were two convenience stores facing each other across a one-way road. Only in Japan.
"Which one?" asked Tharin.
Cullen frowned. "Not sure…" He caressed his chin before pointing. "I guess the right one."
Tharin laughed. "Excellent choice, milord."
To this, Cullen could not help but laugh also. "Yeah, I definitely did not have a case of decision paralysis."
At the convenience store, Tharin grabbed a kitsune udon noodle cup and Cullen bought two rice balls, one with mentaiko and Japanese mayonnaise and another with grilled salmon inside. Cullen went to the counter by the glass wall facing outside and waited for Tharin to fill his cup with hot water.
As they partook their simple breakfast, Tharin began to talk about a Ghibli movie he found especially intriguing.
"I'm not sure if I'd call it my favorite. I find it interesting. I guess a good way to describe it is that it's more complex than it lets on."
He slurped the noodles, chewed quickly, and continued as he waved his disposable chopsticks, "It's Umi ga Kikoeru, Ocean Waves in English. The first time I watched it was at my high school Japanese class."
Another quick slurp of a few strands of noodle before more commentary. "Basically, you've got two guy friends in a countryside high school, Morisaki and Matsuno. Enter Mutō Rikako, a girl from Tokyo. Matsuno falls for her but gets rejected. In the meantime, Mutō manipulates Morisaki to do all kinds of her bidding. The movie basically ends with Mutō and Morisaki now in college 'falling in love.'"
Tharin emphasized the last part with air quotes. A very American gesture, Cullen noted with a subdued sniff. After being immersed in Japanese society for nearly three years, Tharin had picked up a fair number of habits customary to the Japanese. So, the young man's body language had become an interesting amalgamation of all things American and Japanese.
The young man continued, "At first, I thought it was just a poorly done coming-of-age story set in the 90s. But I gave it another watch when I was in college and realized that it might be purposely gay."
Cullen knitted his brow. That… did not seem likely. "What?"
Tharin's eyes crinkled as his mouth stretched in a smirk. "I know! From Ghibli in the 90s? Unthinkable. Except, there's something going on between Morisaki and Matsuno.
"There's a line said by Morisaki that goes something like, 'In my heart, Matsuno was a little different from all the other friends.' And then he perks up so much whenever he's with Matsuno, it's ridiculous. If some movie nowadays pulled what Ocean Waves did, people would expect Morisaki and Matsuno to end up together."
Tharin sighed as he indifferently stirred his nearly empty noodle cup with the chopsticks, gathering little bits of rehydrated vegetables and kamaboko fish cakes. A large drop of condensation on the paper lid rolled and fell to the counter. His voice was pensive. "Poor Morisaki. He was in love with Matsuno and didn't even realize it. Plus, he gets slapped by Mutō and then gets punched by Matsuno."
Cullen flinched at the last sentence. In his mind, he saw the image of Raleigh Samson, looking despondent as he wordlessly left the Rutherford house. He stuttered, "W-why did Matsuno punch Morisaki?"
"Oh, well, the movie makes it seem like it was because Morisaki saw Mutō get confronted by other girls about some boy and didn't intervene. That's why he got slapped by Mutō too."
"But you think there's more?"
"Well, I have a different scenario in my head. Matsuno realizes that Morisaki has a crush on him, feels threatened, and that's why he punches him. Eh, it's a fanciful idea, I know."
Cullen did not know how to respond. His guilt about Leigh ballooned. "Yeah," he repeated as if he only knew how to say one word, "Yeah…"
Tharin checked the time on his phone and began to clear the counter. "C'mon. There's a bus leaving for the Museum in five minutes. We better go before the line there gets too long."
The shuttle bus reminded Cullen of an American school bus, painted glossy yellow.
The ride was peaceful. The well-maintained road ran straight through the quiet residential neighborhoods of Mitaka and Kichijōji. On both sides were tall roadside trees and two-story houses with Japanese tiled roofs. The sun shined and the air was crisp. A perfect day for an excursion.
Too bad the bittersweet memory of Leigh hung heavy in Cullen's mind.
There was already a long queue stretching from the front gate of the Ghibli Museum. Tharin and Cullen took their spots in the line and waited. The time was just past 0945, about 15 minutes to the opening.
It portended for a long day, which Tharin had warned Cullen about. He said they could expect to be at the museum for up to four hours.
When the Museum officially opened, the line started moving relatively quickly. As the two men rounded the corner, they came upon a giant plushie Totoro sitting inside a little glassed-in kiosk. Most people passing by naturally stopped to take photos of and with the gigantic Totoro.
As they neared the kiosk, Tharin kept glancing toward the Totoro. Cullen ventured, "Do you want a picture?"
With his eyes gleaming, Tharin replied, "Yes, please!" He padded to the side of the kiosk, flashed a toothy smile, and raised a peace sign.
Cullen found his boyfriend's pure giddiness too endearing. It was enough to set aside his guilt for a moment. With a soft grin, he snapped a photo on his phone. He even caught the little peephole from which dust bunnies were peeking out.
He showed the photo to Tharin for his approval and was met with a sunny countenance. The young man clasped his arms around Cullen and eagerly demanded, "Quick! Send it to me!" Cullen eyed at Tharin amusingly as he worked his phone.
Unique was the perfect adjective to describe the main building of the Museum. It lacked sharp corners typical of contemporary structures, reminiscent of adobe homes and churches in the American Southwest, and was painted in bright pastel colors in flowing, round shapes. The hues could have been deemed kitschy. But with the general lushness of the rooftop plants and the ivy crawling up the building's sides, the colors were rendered enchanting. A Ghibli aesthetic, one may say.
At the ticketing counter, Tharin showed the online receipt with a QR code and received two tickets. They were… unique as well. Cullen held his up against the sky to examine it closely. The tickets contained actual film reels from the Ghibli movies. In his ticket were three shots of Fio from Porco Rosso, busy designing for restoration of Marco's aircraft.
Tharin looked over his shoulder and exclaimed, "Lucky. You got the reels from Porco Rosso."
"Yeah. What's yours from?" Cullen craned his neck, trying to see the segment of the reel attached to Tharin's ticket. There were three shots of an older lady in kimono sitting by a Japanese lattice door overlooking the ocean.
"A fairly new one. From Up on Poppy Hill. It's the main character's grandmother."
"You're secretly a diehard fan, aren't you?" Cullen noticed a stray hair on Tharin's forehead and lifted his hand to smooth the onyx mane.
Tharin blushed. "I think I've seen every movie except for the two new ones. Gotta play a catchup soon."
When they entered the building proper through stained glass doors that featured Ghibli characters, Cullen looked up at the raised ceiling of the entrance hall. It was a baby blue rotunda filled with airy light. From top to bottom, its walls were filled with frescos of various flora. Bright sunflowers, grapes, tulips, apples, and other shrubbery, all elaborate and lifelike.
Farther in was the main hall that extended from the first floor all the way to the third floor, a glass dome sitting on top and a humongous fan rotating slowly underneath. There were colonnaded corridors and spiral staircases galore, making the Museum feel quite labyrinthine. But it was all in good fun.
Cullen turned to look at Tharin looking up at the glass dome. The soft smile on the young man caught the ray of the pallid winter sun and transmogrified it into something golden. The alchemical phenomenon was intoxicating. He had a fleeting thought that he would very much like to lunge at his boyfriend and kiss him.
But then, the darkness within him whispered, Do you deserve to have this much fun? He sighed discreetly.
They first went down the corridor to the exhibit that explained how animations were made. Each board was filled with intricate illustrations and comic strips by Studio Ghibli, a veritable feast for the eyes. But the explanations were all in Japanese, which required Tharin to work his language skills extra hard. Cullen watched the young man in awe, listening to his seamless translation of the materials.
Next, they went to the Saturn Theater to watch a short movie produced by the Studio. Again, they had to line up and present the movie reel tickets to enter.
It seemed like half the people were children and the other half were their parents. The two brawny Americans were definitely odd men out of the bunch. They took their seats on the sides in the back, making sure they were not getting in anyone's way, and waited for the short to begin.
And it went without saying that the short was adorable. It featured Mei, the younger sister from My Neighbor Totoro, and the Kittenbus. The plot, which had Mei befriend the Kittenbus and go on a short outing with it to meet Totoro and other cats, was linear and simple enough that Cullen could follow even without the subtitles. Plus, all those children sitting in front of them somehow added to the movie by laughing and exclaiming at appropriate moments.
Still, at the end of the movie, all Cullen saw was Leigh and his younger self, enfolded together as he cried the tears he did not comprehend. If only he understood himself a little better then, maybe he could have stood up for Leigh and his friend would not have had a hellish high school experience.
After the short movie, Tharin and Cullen explored the Museum thoroughly for several more hours. There were exquisite wood carvings everywhere. They ran into a workroom of Miyazaki Hayao, which contained a mishmash of fantastical knick-knacks like a model of a steampunk airship and a collection of decorative Victorian lamps.
And the Museum turned out to be a genuine labyrinth after all; one minute, the two men would turn a corner expecting to find nothing significant, and then the next minute, they would find a whole other exhibit. Despite its seemingly modest size, the Museum offered much, much more than the ticket price of 1,000 yen suggested.
As they moved upstairs, they found a room with a truly gargantuan Catbus plush toy. There were seven children going in and out of the toy, and the parents surrounded the room. Some of the adults looked slightly envious as the children frolicked, and Tharin was definitely one of those adults. Cullen got an urge to poke fun at the young man, but let the moment pass by. He could not bring himself to be jolly.
Finally, they climbed the spiral stairs to the rooftop garden. The place was mysteriously verdant in January, though Cullen supposed it made sense. The temperature almost never dropped to below freezing in Tokyo.
The area was littered with metal artifacts, which Tharin said were from a movie called The Castle in the Sky. A giant statue of a robot stood in the middle, with tourists crowding around it. Tharin grabbed Cullen's wrist and pulled him toward the robot, insisting, "C'mon, I want a photo of you with the thing!"
Even the many exhibitions and shows at the Museum were not enough to make Cullen forget about Raleigh Samson. Any lapse was temporary. Nothing could change the fact that Cullen had chased the boy out of his house the day he was kissed or that he at least passively contributed to Leigh's victimization at school. Or that he had a crush on Leigh.
With everything roiling inside, Cullen posed awkwardly in front of the robot soldier as Tharin took pictures.
The gift shop was petite and charming. Or maybe it felt petite because of all the people inside.
A veritable cornucopia of Studio Ghibli goods distracted Cullen just long enough for him to feel like he deserved to have fun.
Cullen and Tharin got separated as they browsed the shelves. Cullen had been thinking about getting something for his three siblings. Something small enough to be sent across the Pacific, yet meaningful enough to surprise and delight them.
He caught something out of the corner of his eye. He turned to find stacks of postcards with Miyazaki Hayao's drawings. Cullen's lips upturned. With his own words written, these would do nicely indeed.
Cullen picked three different ones. One with two Catbuses on the foreground and the Museum, one with the view of the Museum at night, and one with Totoro holding a tiny indigo umbrella.
Content with his choices, Cullen turned around to find Tharin standing a couple feet behind him beaming.
"I've got the perfect thing for you, Cul."
"Oh? what is it?"
"Ta-da!"
Tharin held out something made from gray fabric. Cullen reached out to grab it.
He snorted when he realized what it was. It was a fleece ski hat with tassels. From the end of the tassels hung small balls of dust bunnies. They looked like lumps of coal with googly eyes. Cute. But more importantly, the hat was in the shape of Totoro, complete with its round eyes and triangular ears sticking out on top of it.
Cullen was not sure what gravitated him toward it, but he decided he liked it.
"You know what, I like it." He moved it to his left hand along with the three postcards. "I'm getting it."
Tharin looked shocked. "I was kidding. It's 2,080 yen. I… don't think it's worth it."
"I think it's worth it." As Cullen stared at Tharin's dismayed face, he could barely suppress a wicked titter. He was now certain that he had to buy the hat. It was not often that something as trivial as a hat flustered the young man. He was usually so self-assured. Cullen emphasized, "I really, really like it."
There was one register that was inexplicably free of people. Cullen gave Tharin a wide grin as he walked over to the register. "I'm buying it," he intoned.
The in-house diner cum café was usually the last place people stopped by at the Ghibli Museum.
Like everything else at the Museum, the café was mobbed. The wait time was an hour, and it was already getting to be near 1400, which was later than the two men's lunchtime. Even a slice of Japanese strawberry shortcake with a flag of Jiji the Cat from Kiki's Delivery Service was not enough of an incentive for them to stay.
Still, Tharin suggested that they walk back to Kichijōji Station, another stop on the Chūō Line, instead of taking the shuttle bus back to Mitaka Station. The young man had apparently scoped out a place for lunch. A late lunch. The two rice balls from earlier would have to hold Cullen over for twenty more minutes.
The temperature was suitable for a long stroll. In the low-50s, making this a warm winter day.
As they wandered through the dense groves of Inokashira Park, Cullen felt compelled to keep the fragile inner peace together longer. Anything to divert his mind from Leigh. He rummaged through the paper bag holding their gift shop purchases. He found what he was looking for and held it out with a smug smile. "You know what's coming?"
Tharin bit his bottom lip and groaned, "Oh, no. You're doing this? Here?"
"Yes, I am," declared Cullen as he put the Totoro ski hat with little dust bunny tassels on his head. "Because this is my hat, and I love my hat."
"Oh. I see we're throwing around the word 'love' willy-nilly today."
"Nope, I do love my new hat. It's my favorite. From now on, I'm wearing it every single day I see you."
"You're giving me a headache," said Tharin as he massaged his temples.
Cullen laughed heartily. "It's because you're hungry. Not my fault."
As Tharin's left thumb kept massaging the temple, his right hand moved to his stomach. It emitted a timely gurgling noise. "Ugh, I should've gotten more than a cup noodle. Stupid past me."
As they ambled by the serene Inokashira Pond, Cullen knew he was attracting weird looks from some of the Japanese passersby. At least one child in a stroller pointed and waved at him as he walked by, clearly delighted by the Totoro hat. But he could not care less.
Before he had met Tharin, or even just a year ago, Cullen would have been too anxious to pull something like this. But this Cullen was confident enough. And though it would have been a lie to say that he did not feel nervous at all, he could indulge in the puckishness of the moment without shrinking.
Besides, though love may have been too strong a word, Cullen did like his new Totoro hat. Watching Tharin's scarlet cheeks stretch in a smile was just the icing on the cake.
Tharin had lied.
Well, no. He did not exactly lie, but what Cullen encountered in Kichijōji was different than what he had expected.
After they came upon the busy station and walked past to get to Steak House Fujiwara, the restaurant Tharin wanted to check out, Cullen thought they would be able to sit down and order for some food immediately.
Not true. Instead of going inside the restaurant, they stood outside in line for menchi-katsu, a breaded and deep-fried wagyu beef patty, sold at the stall on the side. Tharin looked way too excited about it for Cullen to object, and he was not the type to whine and moan anyway. If it was for his boyfriend, he could be patient a little longer, even if he was getting to the point of being famished.
Tharin did apologize profusely as they waited. A bit of solace, the knowledge that Cullen could probably tease the young man about this for a week or so.
The line by Fujiwara was long enough that the restaurant had to have one of its staff focus purely on wrangling everyone in a queue. There was a large gap in the middle of the line to allow for pedestrians to pass through the cross way. It took them fifteen minutes to get to the end of the line and put in an order.
Tharin purchased three menchi-katsu and two potato croquettes, totaling 1,020 yen, for them to share. Menchi-katsu was essentially a deep-fried meatball, but Cullen could not deny that it was delicious. Well, at this point, I'm too hungry to care whether it's good or not, he thought, not entirely impressed by the food. But Tharin seemed exceptionally pleased, and that was all that mattered.
The two men stood on a corner of the covered arcade of Kichijōji neighborhood, peoplewatching and idly chatting about what they saw at the Museum. When the topic of the conversation turned to the plushie Catbus and the short movie starring Mei and the Kittenbus, Cullen's mind inevitably turned back to what prompted this whole trip, why he looked up the movie's theme song in the first place.
Leigh.
Even though Cullen was confident about his relationship with Tharin, he could not be certain that Tharin would be unreservedly supportive if he were to tell him about what he had done to Leigh. But Cullen wanted to tell the young man about what transpired that day and its far-reaching consequences. It was an important part of his growing years that he had inadvertently relegated to the unconscious part of his brain all this time. Leigh deserved to be properly mentioned, and his boyfriend deserved to know how callous he could really be.
Cullen finished the last bite of his menchi-katsu and brushed the greasy crumbs off from his left hand. He then began grimly, "At what point should I accept that there's something wrong with me, that I'm a cruel person?"
Tharin was in a midbite, a large one that made one of his cheeks bulge slightly. The young man swallowed roughly – it actually looked somewhat painful – and croaked, "What?"
"Remember how I told you, I realized that I was attracted to men when I crushed on a swim teammate?"
"Yeah?"
"I was wrong. I recently realized that it was earlier. When I was fourteen."
A crease appeared on Tharin's brow. "Alright, I'll bite. What does this have to do with you being cruel?"
After a deep breath, Cullen explained, "I had a best friend named Leigh who literally lent me his shoulder to cry on when my parents passed away. We were watching Totoro, and all the backed-up emotions gave in me, made me sob uncontrollably.
"That's why I was humming the Totoro theme song. I had a recovered memory about the whole thing and looked the song up on YouTube. And then, I just let it play on repeat while I did some chores."
Tharin's eyes widened. "So, wait… You aren't even a Ghibli fan?!"
"I mean, I am. I really did enjoy Totoro right up till the point when I started crying, and Porco Rosso was amazing. And what can I say, I love my hat."
The young man lightly punched Cullen's arm with the hand holding the wax paper bag and chortled. It didn't hurt at all. "You liar! You're just a damn casual!"
Yet the best Cullen could do was flash a pained smile as he nervously tugged at one of the two dust bunny tassels hanging from his ski hat. He continued, "But then Leigh kissed me and told me he liked me. I got furious, called him gay, and yelled at him to leave. We weren't friends after that.
"I guess I was… What were the names of the characters from your movie?"
Tharin immediately chimed, "Morisaki's possibly the gay one, and Matsuno's the one who punched him."
"Right. I was Matsuno to Leigh's Morisaki. Except I had a crush on him, too. I only realized it recently when I reconnected with him."
Tharin's eyebrows were raised. He had put back his half-finished menchi-katsu back in the paper bag in his hand. "Wow, that's… a lot."
Cullen grabbed a paper napkin he'd squirreled away earlier at Fujiwara from his pocket and wiped his greasy hands with it. He checked to make sure the arcade was busy enough for them to be not so conspicuous, and then entwined his right hand with Tharin's left. He nodded. "Yeah, it is… a lot. But there's more.
"Leigh was getting bullied at school, and I didn't do anything to help him. I can't believe how cruel I was back then, but that's what I was. Just… cruel."
He squeezed Tharin's hand, half-expecting the young man to retract his hand. But it stayed.
Tharin was quiet. There was an air of melancholy surrounding them that Cullen could not dismiss. With his eyes directed to the tiled walkway and his voice low, Tharin finally inquired, "Has Leigh forgiven you?"
"I suppose he has. Yeah. He actually apologized for kissing me." Cullen looked to Tharin with a grimace. "We apologized to each other. But I think I was more in the wrong."
It was Tharin's turn to squeeze Cullen's hand. With a soft tone, he began, "Cul, you aren't a cruel person. You're more than your past actions. And you grew up to be the most empathetic person I've ever met." The young man was relentlessly kind. "You need to accept both the past and the present as they are. You should definitely learn from the past, but you shouldn't beat yourself up over something you can't change."
Every single word uttered by Tharin was cathartic to Cullen. Part of him in the darkest recess still insisted that he should feel guilty, and he realized that the feeling may never go away. But he wanted to believe Tharin. Perhaps there was a chance that he was not a cruel person by nature. And he gazed deeply into the brilliant cobalt eyes that seemed to convey that message.
Tharin curved his lips benevolently. "And look how far you've come! You have me, and you reached out to hold my hand in public. You are courageous, and you would've stood up for your friend if it were now."
There was an addendum, however. The young man joked, "Although you did lie about being a Ghibli fan, and I'll never ever forgive you for that."
Cullen was finally able to give a genuine smile. "I don't care. I still love you even if you hate me."
Tharin grumbled, "Ugh, you're too much," only to follow up with something sweet, which was so characteristically Tharin. He muttered, "I love you too."
A short affirmation from Tharin and Cullen's heart raced. If he was worthy of Tharin's love, perhaps he was worthy of forgiveness from himself.
And if not today, it would come someday soon.
The alternative interpretation of the movie Ocean Waves I utilize here was originally presented by a YouTuber eliquorice (*YouTube*/watch?v=VbFnvTiHLw8).
If you liked this fic, please come back on Sunday, May 2 and check out the first chapter of Where the Waves Crest (波が上り詰める所). I promise many, many more adventures with these two lovable boys in and around Tokyo!
Comments, reviews, and critiques are always welcome but never obligatory! Thank you for reading!