The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off complaining somewhere. Just a crazy aftermath of Double Date that came into my mind. And for those of you complaining there's not enough Ray in Season 11, here is…
Ray Gillette: Lonely Hearts Counselor
"Hey Lana," Ray greeted his friend as they went into the elevator for work. "How was your mission last night?"
"I drank an entire bottle of Louis Roederer," Lana let out a groan. "And some Glengoolie Blue in my coffee this morning."
She removed her sunglasses and revealed the bags under her eyes. "Oh my…" Ray winced. "Bad night?"
"Yuuup," Lana let out a breath as she put her sunglasses away in her purse. "The good news is that my hangover has morphed into a low dull thud…"
"Want to talk about it?" Ray asked as the got off the elevator into the office.
"Desperately," Lana sighed.
"Well then come into my office," Ray gestured. "I take it the mission wasn't exactly a rousing success?"
"The mission was a disaster in more ways than one," Lana groaned as they went into Ray's office. "Watching an assassin throw the Russian hacker into the path of an oncoming subway and seeing his body turn into an exploding meat pile was the highlight of the evening."
"So, no bounty?" Ray asked.
"No," Lana said as she sat down on the other side of Ray's desk. "And telling Mallory that still won't be the worst part of the whole thing. All she cares about is using the money to redecorate her office. Ugh, what a night!"
"Okay Lana," Ray sighed as he sat down. "What happened? As if I can't guess."
"My life is a mess and I think I've made a huge mistake," Lana groaned as she sat down.
"I was right," Ray told her. "I'm guessing Archer behaved like his usual charming self?"
"Oh yeah," Lana nodded. "I can't believe I fell for that whole stupid use a double date as a cover for surveillance line."
"Well I tried to warn you," Ray pointed out. "But you just had to try and play Archer's games! Let me guess, the woman Archer dated was a bitch? Right?"
"Gabrielle is actually really nice," Lana said. "She really read Archer the riot act when she figured out he was using her."
"Really?" Ray asked.
Lana added. "We just exchanged phone numbers so we can text each other. But for once Archer's never-ending quest to satisfy his dick wasn't the worst part of the night."
"Oh, this should be good," Ray quipped. "What happened?"
"Did you know Robert's been married before?" Lana asked. "Four times!"
"What?" Ray did a double take.
"And his first wife isn't even technically dead!" Lana balked. "Just lost in the Amazon! So, if she ever miraculously comes back, I'm screwed! And not in the fun way!"
"Wow," Ray said sarcastically. "You two kids really got to know each other before you got married."
"Not to mention he was making these…Let's just say very inappropriate remarks about me and Gabrielle…" Lana groaned. "And being the filling of…"
"I think I can guess," Ray interrupted. "Yikes!"
"And he had eleven dogs Ray!" Lana added. "The man had eleven dogs in his life that died on him!"
"But how old were they?" Ray asked. "I've had nine cats in my life but at seven of them were around twenty when I got them! What's wrong with adopting an older pet to live out its remaining days in happiness and comfort?"
"You've had nine cats?" Lana asked.
"Most of the cats I've had were when I was growing up on the farm!" Ray told her. "What? My town had a rat problem! I mean a huge rat problem. It was normal for farms to have several cats! My momma had seven of her own at the same time."
"Something tells me these dogs weren't on a farm," Lana groaned. "More like sent to a farm upstate if you get my drift. But that's still not the worst part of the night! Guess what I saw when I came home?"
"Is it a multiple-choice question?"
"My husband and Mallory laughing it up on the couch, drinking and watching an old movie together like they're the best of friends!" Lana told him. "What if Mallory decides to move in on him? She does that you know? Remember before she married Ron? Any man with a pulse she'd go after like a shark does a wounded seal!"
Ray shrugged. "Well they do have a lot in common."
"Oh, don't you start on the age thing!" Lana told him. "You know what I just realized?"
"That you basically married a male version of Ms. Archer?"
Lana's eyes widened. "I was going to say I rushed into marriage too fast trying to move on with my life. What the hell do you mean by I married a male version of Mallory?"
Ray counted off with his fingers. "Extremely horny. Says extremely inappropriate things. Older but not always wiser. Drinks a lot. Enjoys brutally insulting people. That doesn't sound familiar to you?"
"Oh God…" Realization hit Lana like a ton of bricks.
"Or an older version of Archer," Ray remarked.
"Oh God…" Lana groaned.
"Face it Lana," Ray shrugged. "You have a type."
"Oh, dear God…" Lana groaned. "Oh God, I was actually thinking about having another child. With Robert. Seriously reconsidering that decision!"
"Does Robert want a kid?" Ray asked. "Does he already have a kid?"
"We never really discussed either…" Lana paused. "Oh god. What if he does have a kid and just didn't tell me?"
"Lana you have two choices," Ray told her. "You can either cut and run. Or you can work on your marriage."
"I think I'm going to go work on some scotch in my office," Lana got up to leave.
"That's also an option," Ray quipped as she left. "Who am I kidding? It's a way of life around here!"
He took out a bottle of scotch from his desk and poured himself a drink. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
"Hey Ray…" Krieger walked in dejectedly. "Can we talk?"
"Why not?" Ray sighed. "What's up?"
"Not my penis that's for sure," Krieger groaned as he sat down. "I think Mitsuko is going to leave me. For good this time!"
"Oh boy," Ray sighed as he took a drink.
"I don't know what to do," Krieger sighed. "I think she may be secretly seeing…Other scientists! Or worse! Other holographic computer programs!"
"Is that a thing?" Ray asked.
"It is in Disney," Krieger shrugged. "Oh god! She's been watching Disney movies almost nonstop lately!"
"I feel for you buddy," Ray nodded. "I really do."
"What do I do Ray?" Krieger asked. "I'm at my wit's end! Normally I'd just unplug her but since she's practically immortal with all her copies and backup drives in places even I don't know about…"
"Okay Krieger, you need to break it off with Little Miss Lightbulb and get a real woman!" Ray told him. "Give me your phone."
"Why?" Krieger asked.
"Just do it," Ray took Krieger's phone. "I'm downloading a Tinder app. God help us all this might be a huge mistake on my part. But for you, it's a step up."
"Hang on," Krieger realized. "Isn't that the dating app that encourages casual sex with complete strangers?"
"Yes," Ray sighed.
"Thanks!" Krieger beamed.
Ray gave Krieger's phone back to him. "You just put your profile in there. The app will walk you through it."
"Okay!" Krieger nodded. "This will show Mitsuko! Thanks Ray!" He got up while looking at his phone.
Ray sighed and took a drink. "God please don't let this end up with several dead bodies in a dumpster."
"Hey Ray," Pam walked in. "We have a little problem."
"When don't we have a little problem?" Ray asked her. "I'm seriously asking."
"We had a little setback last night," Pam sighed. "Cyril kind of fell off the wagon."
"Please don't mean that literally."
"No, I mean the Food Wagon," Pam groaned. "As well as the Sad Sack Train. And his repressed rage issues are coming back. I'm actually worried about the little guy."
"If he goes back to eating he won't be so little anymore," Ray groaned. "What happened?"
"Apparently Archer, Lana and everyone else pulled a dine and dash while Cyril dealt with the Russian hacker's bodyguard," Pam explained. "Leaving Cyril with a mountain of food and the bill. But for some reason they took Cyril's coat with his wallet in it. Me, Krieger and Cheryl had to go bail him out. Cheryl pulled the old, 'He Touched My Breast Scam' and then we went to Coney Island."
"Why?"
"To cheer up both Cyril and Krieger," Pam explained. "Krieger's…"
"I know," Ray interrupted. "He was just in here a minute ago. I set him up with a Tinder app."
"That explains why he was drooling over his phone," Pam shrugged. "Long story short, Cyril had a breakdown and took it out on a pitching machine. To be fair the machine hit him in the balls twice. We got into an argument with the manager. Cheryl set a fire as a diversion…"
"Cheryl burned down Coney Island?" Ray asked.
"No! Just a small part of it," Pam waved. "A vacant stand nobody was using. Long story short I think we're banned from Coney Island. But Cyril is still a real mess."
"Lana's not much better," Ray groaned. "Her marriage with Robert is on the rocks."
"Did she finally figure out that she basically married a male Ms. Archer?" Pam asked as Ray poured her a drink of scotch.
"Uh huh," Ray gave her a glass. "And she thinks that the real Ms. Archer might be interested in Robert."
"Honestly, I'm amazed it took this long for her to have Robert in her sights," Pam took a drink.
"Well she's still rebounding from Ron," Ray told her. "Ron's death hit her harder than she wants to admit."
"I know," Pam sighed. "I miss that old guy too."
"So do I," Ray sighed. "But right now, our problem is Cyril. Where is he?"
"Sobbing in his office," Pam told him. "I made sure the donuts were out of his reach."
"By eating them?"
"You know a better way?" Pam asked. "What do we do Ray?"
"Just tell him he had a little setback on his diet but it's nothing to worry about," Ray said. "Then call his diet sponsor."
"That's me!" Pam told him.
"You're Cyril's sponsor?" Ray did a double take.
"What? We have a lot of the same addictions," Pam told him. "Eating. Sex. Problems with self-esteem. Although I've really turned a corner on that last one. I really like me."
"Look," Ray sighed. "This afternoon you and I will take Cyril out to lunch at that salad place down the block. Give him a pep talk. Tell him he's pretty. Yada, yada, yada and he'll snap out of it. This is basically the Dylan's Candy Bar disaster from last year all over again."
"I don't think so," Pam told Ray. "This time Archer has lit the fuse and not an invitation to a high school reunion. Cyril's really getting unwound. I'm really getting worried he might snap. And he's not the only one. Cheryl's back on the groovy bears and glue like it's no tomorrow."
"I know," Ray sighed. "I saw what she did yesterday in the copy machine. So sticky…From the glue! Get your mind out of the gutter!"
"Ever feel like you're the only sane person in this dump?" Pam took a drink.
"Every day…" Ray groaned.
Pam finished her drink. "The salad place isn't a bad idea. I could use some extra roughage. And watching Cyril this morning is a good excuse not to do paperwork."
Pam did a double take as she looked out the office door. "Cyril! Cyril! Step away from the vending machine! GOD DAMN IT!" She ran out the door.
"I should have been a psychiatrist," Ray groaned. "I'm around crazy people all day."
"Hey Ray," Archer walked in. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Now serving Number Four," Ray quipped. "Is this about your double date from Hell last night?"
Archer paused. "Maybe?"
"And you actually want to talk to me?" Ray asked.
"Well I'm sure as hell not going to talk to Lana," Archer told him as he sat down and took the bottle of scotch. "Or Mother. Pam is doing something with Cyril who's crying in his office again. Cheryl is drinking and sniffing glue. Krieger is obsessed with his phone for some reason. So, by process of elimination…"
"I'm flattered," Ray remarked as Archer took a swig of Ray's scotch. "Help yourself. What's it been? Half an hour since you had a drink?"
"My flask ran out last night on the damn subway!" Archer groaned as he finished the scotch. "Which I was stuck on for almost all night!"
"How do you get stuck on a…?"
"I wasn't exactly paying attention all right?" Archer admitted. "And by the time I realized that, I was in Lynbrook! Took me forever to get back!"
"Wait don't you have to change…?"
"I got confused and got on the wrong line! Twice!" Archer snapped. "But that's not the problem."
"You know you guys ditched Cyril last night?" Ray spoke up.
"Again, not the problem," Archer added.
"And your mother doesn't know yet that someone else killed your bounty before you caught him," Ray added.
Archer waved. "So, Mother has to wait another month before she can hire a decorator for her office? Big deal! That's not the problem. The problem is that I think I may have screwed up a shot at a real relationship."
"You mean with Lana?"
"No, with Gabrielle!" Archer told him. "She was funny. Smart. Beautiful. But instead I just saw her as a substitute for Lana. To make Lana mad. And I didn't realize what I good thing I was blowing until it was too late."
"Struck out again, didn't you?"
"I don't get it!" Archer barked. "Ever since I got out of the coma I've been in a dry spell like you can't believe. Nobody in this office will have sex with me. My former semi-girlfriends won't return my calls. The escort agencies I used to use have either closed down or blacklisted me!"
"I warned you about that incident with the trampoline and the lemur."
"Okay I admit I wanted to make Lana jealous," Archer groaned. "But I messed up a sure thing as well as a possible new romance. And it's all Lana's fault for marrying Robert!"
"Her fault?" Ray asked. "You don't think your constant horn dogging all over town had something to do with it?"
"Uhh…Is that a multiple-choice question?"
"Okay Archer," Ray sighed. "What the hell is your endgame here? And don't say orgasm!"
"Well I think it goes without saying…"
"I'm serious Archer!" Ray snapped. "Let's pretend for the sake of argument that somehow you get Lana back. Then what? Are you going to marry her after she gets divorced?"
"Uh I don't know," Archer said.
"And what about AJ?" Ray asked. "Are you going to settle down and be a better father to her? Lana's thinking about having another kid. Do you want another kid?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa Ray!" Archer protested. "Back up here. Ray you know I don't like to plan that far ahead."
"And that particular strategy has worked wonders for you in the past hasn't it?" Ray asked sarcastically. "You know? Like breaking up with Lana and ending up in a coma? For three years? What you want to end up in another one? Or dead?"
"Ray…"
"Don't say it can't happen because it can and has happened!" Ray snapped. "Listen to me Archer. This isn't just Lana's life you're screwing with. AJ's life is also on the line!"
"Well shouldn't she be with her father?" Archer asked.
"Depends on how serious you are being in her life," Ray told him. "And how you treat her mother! Who you clearly still have feelings for."
"What are you saying, Ray?" Archer asked.
"The only way you're going to be able to move on," Ray told him. "Is to have a deep, honest conversation with yourself about what you want and need. Then you need to have it out with Lana. Not insulting or annoying her. But a real honest talk. Do you understand?"
"Oh My God!" Archer gasped. "I just realized…MY CAR HASN'T BEEN RETURNED YET! DAMN IT!" He threw down the empty bottle on the floor.
"Hey! I just had my carpet cleaned!" Ray snapped. "Archer…"
"Not now Ray!" Archer got to his feet and started to leave. "I have to hunt down and brutally murder a homeless man. Assuming he hasn't already died of an overdose in an alley somewhere!" He ran off.
"That man has a one-track mind," Ray grumbled as he cleaned up the mess using a small broom and dustpan from behind his desk. "Unfortunately, it runs off a cliff."
"God this office has more drama than a mess of soap operas," Ray sighed as he finished cleaning and sat back down at his desk. "At least nobody else has anything to say."
Mallory walked in and sat down. "I think I'm falling in love with Robert."
"COME ON!" Ray looked at the sky. "What am I? The designated Lonely-Hearts Counselor around here?"
"Well I can't talk to Sterling about this!" Mallory protested. "And I'm sure as hell not going to talk to Lana or Pam about this. Cyril's kind of a mess for some reason. The reason probably being that he's realized he's Cyril. Krieger is…Krieger. God only knows what he's doing and Cheryl…"
"I get it," Ray groaned.
"You say anything about this and you will get it," Mallory warned. "Speaking of which, do you know if they caught that Russian hacker last night?"
"Got killed by another assassin before they could catch him," Ray told her.
"Damn it!" Mallory groaned. "I was really looking forward to redecorating my office. But that's not important now."
"Right," Ray nodded. "No use crying over subway splattered Russians."
"Ray last night was wonderful! I haven't laughed that hard with a man since Ron," Mallory told him. "I never thought I could connect with another man like that. And not just sexually."
"You didn't!"
"No! No! I didn't…" Mallory paused. "Yet…I'm talking more about an emotional connection. I just enjoyed being with him and watching old movies. You have to admit Robert and I have a lot in common."
"I'm aware," Ray said dryly. "And so does Lana."
"Lana knows?" Mallory asked. "I thought I heard her drinking in the next room."
"Whole bottle of champagne," Ray nodded. "I don't think she knows everything but she suspects you might do something."
"I wouldn't…" Mallory paused. "Who am I kidding? Even I don't believe that one!"
Ray sighed. "Look I'm not saying Lana's marriage isn't on the rocks…But something like this won't help!"
"True but let's be honest," Mallory waved. "That's not going to last anyway. Honestly I'm amazed she lasted this long!"
"Me too," Ray groaned. "And its clear Archer and Lana still have feelings for each other. But neither are willing to acknowledge it!"
"I know," Mallory looked around. "Why does it smell like a brewery in here?"
"Your son stole my scotch and made a mess."
"He took yours too?" Mallory snapped. "Damn it, I'm going to have to lock up my good stuff again."
"Let's get back to the problem at hand," Ray remarked. "Your feelings for Robert are going to have to be put on the shelf. At least for now."
"Well you say that…"
"Robert has given the agency some good work and good contacts," Ray advised. "You don't want to jeopardize that do you?"
"That's a good point," Mallory frowned. "We don't want to fry that golden goose. I need to think of The Agency and the money."
"Also think about this," Ray added. "If you do have sex with Robert, that would send Archer over the edge! I mean it's bad enough Robert had sex with Lana but if he also had sex with his mother…"
"Oh right," Mallory paused. "Huh. You realize that's also an argument for me to sleep with Robert?"
"Oh, for God's…" Ray was frustrated. "Look just don't do anything for now. All right? For all we know you'll find another richer man in a few days!"
"That's possible," Mallory admitted. "Or Lana and Robert might get divorced and Lana can hang on long enough to get some decent alimony."
"Unless his first wife returns from the Amazon," Ray shrugged.
"That's happened to me," Mallory admitted. "Twice. That's always awkward as hell. And the wife usually tends to be a bitch about the whole thing."
Ray added. "By the way Cyril is losing his mind again."
"Like the Dylan's Candy Bar disaster?"
"Worse," Ray sighed. "And Cheryl caused another scene and started another fire on Coney Island."
"Of course," Mallory groaned. "Dare I ask what Krieger's doing?"
"He's just discovered Tinder."
"That's actually a step up for him," Mallory admitted. "What the hell is happening to my Agency? We're losing bounties. My staff is losing their minds. Not that most of them had much to begin with. Our reputation is starting to sink like the first leak in the Titanic…"
"And when did all of this start?" Ray looked at her.
Mallory glared at him. "Are you implying that Sterling may be responsible for all this?"
"There is come correlation you must admit," Ray pointed out.
"Listen Missy…" Mallory said defensively.
THUD!
"CYRIL GET OFF THE DAMN VENDING MACHINE!" Pam was heard screaming.
"I'll get him off!" Cheryl cackled madly.
"GOD DAMN IT CHERYL! NO!" Pam screamed. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT LIGHTER?"
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl laughed manically. "BURN! BURN! BURN!'
"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory groaned as she got up. "I SWEAR TO GOD YOU IDIOTS, ONE DAY I WILL LET THIS BUILDING BURN TO THE GROUND! SO HELP ME!"
"Why me?" Ray looked to the heavens. "Why do I have to be the sane one around here that everybody goes to?"
"CYRIL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T!" Pam screamed.
"I NEED THOSE CANDIES!" Cyril screamed. "CANDY BARS DON'T JUDGE YOU! OR DITCH YOU IN A DAMN RESTAURANT!"
"HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl laughed with glee as a fire alarm went off.
"WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP?" Lana screamed. "YOU'RE AGGRIVATING MY HANGOVER!"
Ray sighed. "Well at least this time nobody's calling me while I'm in the bathtub."