A/N: Crossposted from AO3 (just like the other two stories that came before this one), so the formatting may not be good!
CONTENT WARNINGS:
- In-detail description of contemplating suicide.
- (Partial) jokes in the narration about drug usage.
Gonta is so tired. He is so... so tired. At first, the auditions for the 53rd season of Dangan Ronpa just seemed like free sign-ups to die. Obviously, that still seems to be what they are. That's literally what they are. But the difference between how he feels about them now and how he felt, like, ten minutes ago is that ten minutes ago the idea was insane and now, after remembering people like Kaede Akamatsu exist and always will exist, he's thinking it isn't such a bad idea.
Is he contemplating going through with trying out? Yes. No. Pretty much. Not really. Maybe he'll audition, maybe he won't. There isn't really a point either way, in all honesty. Either Gonta can sign up and get a part in the game and die, sign up and not get a part and find another way to die instead, or not bother signing up and just- well, the point is obvious by now.
Class hasn't started yet. School is so difficult. Maybe Gonta could sign up to avoid having to deal with school...? No, of course not. He'd have to go and plan it out and audition and they'd have to make room for him, and leave out an otherwise lucky person, and that just wouldn't be fair. But at the same time, he doesn't want to have to plan out his own death either. There'd be the method, the day, the time, the will, the note, and he'd have to decide who to give his stuff away to, and what he's going to say to certain people, and if he wants to make a scene before he goes out. Go out with a bang, they always say, and it'd be a hell of a way to remember an otherwise forgettable wannabe entomologist. But that's... so much work. Everything takes so much effort now.
Gonta doesn't want to have to try too hard on anything. Minimal tasks have even started to grow overwhelming. He doesn't want to... die, so to speak. He kind of just wants to rest. He wants a way to put life on permanent hold, but... he doesn't want to die. He doesn't have the energy to give all that energy up.
How complex. How bleak.
How dull.
At least watching the ants move around the sidewalk Gonta is sitting crisscrossed next to is menial enough to keep him occupied without exhausting him. Bugs are one of the few things that keep him grounded in reality. Entomology keeps him engaged with the real world in ways that hardly anything else can anymore.
Ants. Ants on the sidewalk keep him grounded.
Isn't that funny?
Isn't that sad?
Ants on the SIDEWALK.
Gonta looks up, only for a few seconds, at the people around him, and immediately decides that no, maybe we can socially interact with people another day, but definitely not today just like it was every day leading up to it. Reputation is just another draining thing for Gonta to have to worry about. He'd rather not drain his social battery; he's found over the years that draining one battery leads to a domino effect that renders him exhausted in every way he knew he could be and in several other ways he didn't.
...he wonders if other people ever felt the way he does. He wonders if certain people at the school such as Akamatsu would actually put the effort into their own death if they wanted to. Of all the people surrounding him... who's planning on auditioning for that game? Who already has? Who's going to just... disappear one day because of it, and be immortalized instead into the fictional world?
That would be hell. Gonta would hate that. Despise it, even. It would be... it would be so draining to have to live on with people forever. He'd rather just die, and he'd rather get it over with alone and with no one to mourn him.
Gonta Gokuhara is a very tired person. Gonta Gokuhara is a very "lone wolf" type of person.
"'re those ants? Why 're ya watching ants?"
Gonta Gokuhara is a very annoyed person. Who the hell has the time or the energy to just walk up to people and get all in their business? Have they no social cues? He turns to glare up at whoever is absolutely staring down at him-
He doesn't... need to glare up.
To Gonta's surprise, the standing person is at just about exact eye level with him. Wow. Imagine being that short.
The person (boy...? Gonta isn't sure, but it is rude to assume things) is smiling. Strange, because Gonta didn't often see students (or anyone, really) smile a genuine, non-malicious-or-sadistic smile. This person just seemed incredibly... bright. Incredibly vibrant.
Incredibly short lmao- no. No, that's rude, Gokuhara.
"Why are ya starin' at the ants like that?" they ask again, gesturing a hand to them and flapping it for a bit. Is he blowing air at the ants or something? They do not need wind! They do not need to be cooled down! Stop disturbing them, strange person! "They're just kinda... moving. 's a little boring after a while, isn't it?"
Vibrant, but just as draining to talk to. The nerve of this little-
"Those... are ants, right? Up-close things are a little blurry when I don't have the-"
"Would you be so kind as to leave me alone?" Gonta huffs.
The person... grins. Not a smug smile, but a foolish one. They're about to say something ridiculously stupid, he can just tell.
"It wasn't my intention to bug ya."
They did not disappoint.
Haha, bug joke. Gonta didn't think it was very funny, but judging from the (admittedly lighthearted) giggling, they did. "Get it? Bug?"
"Unfortunately."
"Because- because ants are bugs, and-" They wave one of their hands at the ants as if Gonta didn't already know exactly what they were, where they were and what they were doing. (Stop cooling down the ants. Seriously.) But how could they help it? It was a funny joke! Funny! "-and, and bug you, and it's a wordplay joke since the word bug means bug but could also mean-"
"-and how you are also the bug in this scenario, by being a nagging bitch and not letting me be? Yes, I understand." Gonta's nearly icy stare is unrelenting; if only looks could kill, he'd lament if he cared enough to actually attempt murder. "...funny."
...they flinch a bit at his tone, adjusting their beanie that Gonta is very sure is not protected under the dress code rules. One of the many pins catches Gonta's eye because of the color contrast: the pin was deep blue, and in white letters was printed: he/him/his. Ah. Good to know. "...sorry. It just kinda came to my head and-"
"And...?" Despite Gonta's annoyance, his tone softens ever so slightly. He didn't mean to hurt the guy's feelings, but that guy is the one pushing his buttons even if he didn't realize what he was doing. Gonta had to be defensive. It was only fair.
This sort of thing happens a lot. Maybe this is why Gonta doesn't have anyone.
Well, maybe, he doesn't want anyone in the first place. So it works out. Win-win or whatever.
"...and you looked like ya haven't laughed in a while! Don't rely on blurry bugs to tell jokes! Ants aren't exactly funny, don't think." He tugs on his beanie as if adjusting it, the smile that had fleetingly left his face returning just as quickly and with a vengeance. "Unless ya can talk to ants. Do ya think ants could make it in the performing arts industry, or like, as stand-up comedians? Because I don't. Absolutely not. I mean, look, they just-" The boy just starts rambling on and on and onnnnn. As the boy gets more into it, he starts... grabbing at the air, almost, with one of his hands. He isn't necessarily aiming for anything, just... thinking, but the movement is something that does not go unnoticed.
Still, Gonta easily tunes his nonsensical spiel out, opting to instead glancing at all the pins on this kid's hat. The majority look as if they're from cutesy little video games that Gonta would have absolutely no interest in ever looking into. He recognizes one of them as a discolored Minecraft mob (it was Minecraft, right? That was the game that added the bees? Finally, the game gets interesting); it was, in fact, a bee. Instead of the traditional yellow and black, there's three stripes, an almost gradient from pink to purple to blue.
Is this one of those pride things? Gonta isn't very interested or knowledgeable in anything related to LGBQT or whatever the acronym was (he can never seem to get the letters in the right order), but he sees people make edits like this for certain labels all the time, so... what is it? He does not know what any of the flags mean, he can never remember. Is this guy gay or...?
...hold the phone.
"...and honestly, if gettin' stepped on after a bad comedy routine is how I'm going to die, then I can't really do anything 'bout that, but what a way to go out, yeah? That reminds me, my cousin knows a comedian an- hey, wait, have you been listening to m-"
"I'm not interested."
Probably Gay tilts his head. It only just now occurs to Gonta that after all this rambling, he still has no clue what this guy's name is. Sticking to ridiculous internal labels to apply to him until the name has been learned, he supposes. "Whaddya mean?"
"I don't know what you're trying to do," Gonta elaborates, somehow appearing even more cold than before, "but I don't swing that way. Honestly don't know how anyone could with people like you around nagging the living hell out of everybody."
"..."
"..."
There's a long stretch of silence between the two. Generic Minecraft Fan looks up with a surprised expression, not saying anything, and the silence is returned by Gonta's angry look.
...and then Beanie Bitch smiles again, slowly. He at least has the decency to try to stifle his laughter at first, but it gets to the point where he can't help but laugh unashamedly about it, and Gonta somehow gets even more upset. His valid statements are being mocked and it's insulting. "What's so funny to you-?"
"Ya think 'm trying to ask ya out or something!?"
"..."
"No, no, what- made ya think- I'm so sorry, but I don't even know your name! Ya don't know mine, either!"
"Then stop laughing at me and give yours over, and I might decide not to punch you."
It takes a few more seconds of laughing about it, but Giggles does manage to calm down. "Sorry, sorry- I jus' think it's funny. Ya try to talk to anyone here to make friends and all ya get's either 'I'm taken, get lost' or an attempted hate crime. This was new." He holds his hand out, as if for Gonta to shake. "Ryoma Hoshi! Hoshi would be more 'socially acceptable' or whatever, but a lot about me's bashed for not bein' 'socially acceptable', so I stopped caring a little bit."
Glossing over formalities? Socially acceptable? How do you only stop caring a little bit? What the hell does he mean by attempted hate crimes? Is this kid alright?
...never mind. Gonta knows the answer to that bit already. No one at this school is alright, ever, at any given time, not even "happy" people. Hoshi probably does hardcore meth or something; no one's ever nice without some really dramatic downside and it's a real fucking downer.
He sighs and rolls his eyes before reaching his hand out - "Gonta Gokuhara. I'm calling you Hoshi, and I'd prefer you use Gokuhara for me." - and retracting it before an actual handshake could ever happen, because ew, contact. "Formality may not mean much to you, but it does to me."
"That's cool! But why, if ya don't mind me asking?"
Too Many Questions- no. He knows the name now. Hoshi. Did Hoshi seriously just ask why formality meant anything to him? How dare he ask even when Gonta doesn't truly know the answer! Especially when Gonta doesn't truly know the answer! "Because... I mean, it... doesn't. Not really. A lot doesn't, but might as well keep the same routines going-"
"I'm sorry you feel like that." That... came out of nowhere. "It doesn't... feel great to not have a lot mean to ya."
Strange. No one's ever... cared about that before. Or cared about him enough to feel bad for why he may feel the way he does. Gonta doesn't know how to respond, not at all, so he just... doesn't. Like you do.
Silence. Long silence. And Gonta is the one to break it by finally, finally striking the conversation back up again-
"Can I stay here with ya for a while? Jus' until class, promise." He looks behind him, and then behind Gonta, still grabbing at the air with his hands. "I, uh, may or may not be running from someone."
-nope. Never mind. Because of course. Gonta normally would have went "fuck off" in a heartbeat and probably would have a few minutes ago if it was anybody, anybody else trying to get through to him. But... Hoshi is tiny. He looks more or less defenseless. And some of these students can be absolutely ruthless when it comes to not liking each other.
… It'll only be for the morning. And that's only a few more minutes. "Fine."
"Swag."
"No one uses that word anymore."
"But I just did?"
…
Alrighty, then.
Ah. Well, whatever. Gonta can only really find one similarity between them here (the fact that he can even find one amid this rocky conversation is exceptional, really): the two of them are both just trying to get through school and avoid as much conflict as they possibly can. Gonta can admittedly respect that. He can also admittedly respect how Hoshi hasn't been snappy with him. That's a really common thing he has to put up with.
"Well, I'll give you one thing. You're different than a lot of people here."
Gonta wouldn't even have to look at him to know; he could hear the optimism in Hoshi's voice. Optimism that was about to be squashed. "A good different?"
"No."
Hoshi squints. "You really don't like talking to new people, do you?" Someone give this man a medal.
"No."
"Are ya just gonna keep saying no to me or what?"
"No." Well, now, he wants to. WHAT the hell.
"Ya sure?"
"...yes...?"
Hoshi points! Triumph! "Ha! Gotcha!"
He groans. God, this kid. Not a kid, no, probably in his grade, but Gonta is super tall and it's habitual by now to give people internal nicknames like "kiddo" and the like. Nonetheless, Hoshi is persistent. Maybe there is no ulterior motive from all of this. After all, what would he gain from even talking to someone he's never met (or maybe even seen) before? Well, other than hiding with him from... someone.
Perhaps besides that, he genuinely does just want to go around and try to make people smile. Perhaps Hoshi's only "bad side" is unintentionally pissing people off along the way. Would you look at that? A genuinely kind person? In MY school?
...nice try, and nice potential act. But Gonta doesn't trust that easily.
Unless, of course, you're one of the ants on the sidewalk marching away in lines more organized than either of them could ever hope to be. They talk about the ants for a few seconds. Then they talk about organization, and how everyone else could possibly manage to keep their lives together. On that note, what is wrong with everyone here, anyway? And why are so many of them fans of that Danger Conga or whatever the hell it's called (thanks, Hoshi!)? It's dumb, Hoshi thinks, and it's horrific. The series alone was fine before it started killing real people. Now it's just fucked.
Gonta says that he doesn't really care, and even plans on joining. Doesn't go into why, but that doesn't change that Hoshi is absolutely appalled to hear it. The lack of time left stops them from being able to discuss it any further, and they part their separate ways.
After that, he'll finally leave me alone. Nothing's going to happen to him while he's by himself. Probably. Whatever.
Well now, I definitely can't leave him alone. What'll happen to him if I do? He dies? Perpetuates that cycle? HELL no. … Hey, you know who ISN'T alone? The ants. Wonder how they do it.
The ants are completely irrelevant. They're literally never going to be discussed again. But at least they're not planning on auditioning for the 53rd season, and at least they're not dying at the end of the story. Lucky them, I suppose.